Contractor JOW #650

I received a request to make my JOW this week about contractors.  We have all dealt with home contractors.  The very word ‘contractor’, of course, comes from the Latin root ‘contractus’ which means ’shoddy work’.  I should know: I once worked as a contractor for Bustagrape Masonary.  It is amazing that some of those buildings I worked on are still standing. 

So here are some jokes roughly connected to contracting.

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A contractor walks into his neighborhood bar and says to the bartender, “Hey Joe, you know how I’m always having to get rid of critters when I do crawl jobs?”

The bartender smiles, “You complain about it all the time, Bob.”

“Well, if I show you something really cool, will you give me a free drink?” The bartender considers it, then agrees. The contractor reaches into his pocket and pulls out a tiny rat.

“Check this out!” he says. “I found him last week while I was fixing Missus Jones’ ductwork.” He reaches into his other pocket and pulls out a tiny piano. The rat stretches, cracks his knuckles, and proceeds to play the blues.

The bartender is amazed, and pours Bob a beer. After Bob finishes his drink, he asks the bartender, “If I show you an even cooler trick, will you give me free beers for the rest of the evening?” The bartender agrees, thinking that no trick could possibly be better than the first.

The contractor reaches into his pocket and pulls out the tiny rat again. He reaches into his other pocket and pulls out the tiny piano. The rat stretches, cracks his knuckles, and proceeds to play the blues. The contractor reaches into another pocket and pulls out a small bullfrog, who begins to sing along with the rat’s music.

Number after number, the frog sings his head off. Everyone in the bar is amazed.

While the contractor is enjoying his beers, a stranger walks up to him and offers him $10,000 for the bullfrog. “Sorry,” the contractor replies, “he’s not for sale.” The stranger increases the offer to $25,000 cash up front. “No,” he insists, “he’s not for sale.” The stranger again increases the offer, this time to $500,000 cash. The contractor finally agrees, and turns the frog over to the stranger in exchange for the money.

“Are you insane?” the bartender demanded. “That frog could have been worth millions to you, and you let him go for a mere $50,000!”

“Don’t worry about it.” the contractor answered. “The frog was really nothing special. You see, the rat’s a ventriloquist.”

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A painting contractor was speaking with a woman about a job. In the first room, she said she would like a pale blue. The contractor wrote this down and went to the window, opened it, and yelled out
"GREEN SIDE UP!"
In the second room, she told the painter she would like it painted in a soft yellow. He wrote this on his pad, walked to the window, opened it, and yelled "GREEN SIDE UP!"

The lady was somewhat curious but she said nothing.
In the third room, she said she would like it painted a warm rose color. The painter wrote this down, walked to the window, opened it and yelled "GREEN SIDE UP!"
The lady then asked him, "Why do you keep yelling 'green side up'?"
"I'm sorry," came the reply. "But I have a new crew laying sod across the street."

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A builder was telling his friend about a property they were demolishing.

He said: "We found a skeleton behind a wall with a gold medal round his neck."

His friend asked what was on the medal.

The builder replied: "Hide and Seek Champion, 1991."

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I used to design cul de sacs but I stopped. It was a dead end job.

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A Texan was taking a taxi tour of London, and was in a hurry.
As they went by the Tower of London the cabbie explained what it was and that construction started in 1346 and it was completed in 1412, the Texan replied, "Shoot, a little ol' tower like that? In Houston we'd have that thing up in two weeks!"
House of Parliament next - Started construction in 1544, completed 1618

"Hell boy, we put up a bigger one than that in Dallas and it only took a year!"
As they passed Westminster Abbey the cabby was silent.

"Whoa! What's that over there?"

"Damned if I know,” replied the cabbie, “It wasn't there yesterday..."

And to end on a totally unrelated note:  

Why can’t you hear a pterodactyl go to the bathroom? 

The ‘p’ is silent

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Churchy JOW #649

I have been doing a fair bit of church stuff, it being the start of Lent and such so I decided to do a church-based theme.  Tom provided me with most of these although the first one is an actual occurrence dating from my youth.

On a separate note, after a hiatus of several years we will once again be hosting the Pinney Crawfish Boil and Beer Drinking Bacchanalia this year.  Ruth will be home on Spring Break in March and so we will conduct the event on the afternoon of Saturday, 16 March.  Feedingt will start around 1400 or so (that is 2:00 PM Glen) and go until we run out of food or beer.  We will be having crawdads, shrimp, brisket, and other informal goodies.  Bring your own beverages.  Since the JOW is distributed to about a hundred people all over the US and overseas I understand that many of you will be unable to attend this event, but let the record show – you have been invited.

Now for the jokes –

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A pastor was talking to some first graders about the story of the young Jesus with the elders in the temple.  He explained how his parents did not know where the twelve year old Jesus was for three whole days until they found him in the temple.

“What do you think they said to him when they finally found him?” asked the pastor.

A six year old girl, stood up to answer.  She put on fist on her hip and shaking her finger exclaimed, “Jesus Christ, where have you been?”

And a related one:

A Sunday School teacher asked her class why Joseph and Mary took Jesus with them to Jerusalem.

A small child replied: "They couldn't get a baby sitter."

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The minister was preoccupied with thoughts of how he was going to ask the congregation to come up with more money than they were expecting for repairs to the church building. Therefore, he was annoyed to find that the regular organist was sick and a substitute had been brought in at the last minute. The substitute wanted to know what to play.
"Here's a copy of the service," he said impatiently. "But, you'll have to think of something to play after I make the announcement about the finances."
During the service, the minister paused and said, "Brothers and Sisters, we are in great  difficulty; the roof repairs cost twice as much as we expected and we need $4,000 more. Any of you who can pledge $100 or more, please stand up."
At that moment, the substitute organist played "The Star Spangled Banner."
And that is how the substitute became the regular organist.

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Father O'Malley answers the phone. "Hello, is this Father O'Malley?" 

"It is" 

"This is the IRS. Can you help us?" 

"I can" 

"Do you know a Ted Houlihan?"

"I do"

"Is he a member of your congregation?" 

"He is" 

"Did he donate $10,000 to the church?" 

"He will."

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There was a very gracious lady who was mailing an old family Bible to her
brother in another part of the country.
"Is there anything breakable in here?" asked the postal clerk.
"Only the Ten Commandments." answered the lady.

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"Somebody has said there are only two kinds of people in the world. There are those who wake up in the morning and say, "Good morning, Lord," and there are those who wake up in the morning and say, "Good Lord, it's morning."

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Sunday after church, a Mom asked her very young daughter what the lesson was about.
The daughter answered, "Don't be scared, you'll get your quilt."
Needless to say, the Mom was perplexed. Later in the day, the pastor stopped by for tea and the Mom asked him what that morning's Sunday school lesson was about.
He said "Be not afraid, thy comforter is coming."

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And finally

Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered to her mother, "Why is the bride dressed in white?"

"Because white is the color of happiness, and today is the happiest day of her life."

The child thought about this for a moment, then said "So why is the groom wearing black?"

Valentine JOW #648

I try to keep my JOW topical.  This week has the made-up holiday - Valentine’s Day.  Like Mother’s Day and Father’s Day it is what is referred to as a ‘Hallmark Holiday’; a manufactured event designed to extort more money from you.  Men tend to hate Valentine’s Day.  I actually think women do, too; they just like to get stuff from their guys.  But on the other hand, Valentine's Day is the holiday that reminds you that if you don't have a special someone, you're alone. 

Fortunately, Valentine’s Day has a lot of humor attached to it, so here is a Valentine card to all of you -

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A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing "Love" stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them.
His curiosity getting the better of him, he goes up to the balding man and asks him what he is doing.

The man says, "I'm sending out one thousand Valentine cards signed, 'Guess who?'"
"But why?" asks the man.
"I'm a divorce lawyer," the man replies.

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He loved her very much. He wanted this Valentine's Day to be special, so he had ordered a bottle of her favorite liquor imported from France. On his way home, he stopped at the local florist. He had planned to have a bouquet made with her favorite flower, white anemones, but to his dismay he found that the florist had sold all her flowers and had only a few sterns of feathery ferns left for decoration.

In a moment of inspiration, he had the answer. He asked the florist to make a bouquet using the flask of liquor instead of flower.  What she produced was magnificent well beyond his expectations. He added a card, and proceeded to pick up his sweetheart.  He presented her with his gift. 

She opened the card to read, "Absinthe makes the heart grow fonder."

With a tear in her eye, she whispered to him lovingly, "Yes, and with fronds like these, who needs anemones."

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"Do you love me with all your heart and soul?" asked Becky on Valentine’s Day.

"Mmm hmm." replied Dave.

"Do you think I'm the most beautiful girl in the world?"

"Mmm hmm."

"Do you think my lips are like rose petals?"

"Mmm hmm."

"Oh Dave," gushed Becky, "you say the most beautiful things!"

Here are a few gifts you should not get your sweetheart.  Trust me on this.

1.  A box of chocolates, clumsily rearranged in an attempt to hide the fact you ate all the caramel ones.

2.  Any food item with the words "diet", "light", or "high fiber" on the label.

3.  Any movie starring Sylvester Stallone or Jim Carrey.

4.  Flowers from a hospital's gift shop--or worse, a mortuary's.

5.  Any household appliance, power tool or other item from the harder side of Sears.

6.  A gift certificate.

7.  Cash.

8.  Anything you could have bought at the gas station mini-mart on the way over, even if you didn't.

9.  An apologetic look and the words "That was today?"

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A shy guy goes into a bar on Valentine's Day night and sees an attractive young woman at the bar.  He walked over to her and asked her politely, "Um, would you mind if I give you some company?"

She made a furious face and yelled at the top of her lungs, "How dare you asked me to sleep with you tonight?" Everyone in the bar started staring at the man who was completely embarrassed.

After a few minutes, woman walked over to him and apologized - ". I am sorry; I was just messing with you.  May I sit down?"

 The young man suddenly gave a loud yell, "What do you mean $200?"

And finally a few random thoughts -

·         I wanted to lose some weight so I went to the paint store.  I heard you could get thinner there.

·         John Deere makes superb farm equipment.  They stand behind everything they make – with the exception of the manure spreader.

·         Dead batteries are given out free of charge.

·         They could make a pencil with an eraser at both ends, but what would be the point?

Marriage JOW #647

This week’s JOW is a bit tardy so it has an easy theme, marriage and the battle of the sexes, along with a couple of unrelated bits that were suggested to me. 

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The woman applying for a job in a Florida lemon grove seemed way too qualified for the job.

 “Look Miss," said the foreman, "have you any actual experience in picking lemons?"

 "Well, as a matter of fact, yes!" she replied. "I've been divorced three times."

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After a quarrel, a husband said to his wife, "You know, I was a fool when I married you."

"Yes, dear,” She replied, “but I was in love and didn't notice." 

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Young Son: Is it true, Dad, I heard that in India a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?
Dad: That happens in every country, son. 

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While attending a Marriage Seminar dealing with communication,

Bill and his wife Grace listened to the instructor,

'It is essential that husbands and wives know each other's likes and dislikes.'

He addressed the man,

'Can you name your wife's favorite flower?'

Bill leaned over, touched his wife's arm gently and whispered,

'It's Pillsbury, isn't it?

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A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a day... 30,000 to a man's 15,000.

The wife replied, 'The reason has to be because we have to repeat everything we say to men....

The husband turned to his wife and asked, 'What?'

Single women claim that all the good men are married, while all married women complain about their lousy husbands, which just confirms that there is no such thing as a good man.

   

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Bob was worried about his marriage; the spark seemed to have gone out of it.  A coworker advised him to express his love to his wife more freely and openly.  Bob thought he'd give it a go. When he got home, he gave his wife a massive hug, kissed her and told her that he loved her. His wife burst into tears. 
Bob was confused and asked why she was crying.

She said, "This is the worst day of my life. First, little Billy fell off his bike and twisted his ankle. Then, the washing machine broke and flooded the basement. And now, you come home drunk!"

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A young lady visited a matchmaker - "I'm looking for a spouse. Can you please help me?"

"What are your requirements?" the matchmaker asked.
"Well, let me see. Needs to be good looking, polite, humorous, sporty, knowledgeable, good at singing and dancing. Willing accompany me the whole day at home. He should tell me interesting stories when I need companion for conversation and be silent when I want to rest."
The matchmaker listened carefully and replied," I understand. You need a television."

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A Practical Quiz

·         Where was the Declaration of Independence signed?   * at the bottom of the  page  

·         The River Ravi flows in which state?   * liquid  

·         What is the main reason for divorce?   * marriage  

·         What is the main reason for failure?   * exams  

·         What can you never eat for breakfast?   * Lunch & dinner  

·         What looks like half an apple?   *   The other half  

·         If you throw a red stone into the blue sea what it will become?   *   It will become wet  

·         How can a man go eight days without sleeping?   *   No problem, he sleeps at night.  

·         How can you lift an elephant with one hand?   *   You will never find an elephant that has only one hand. 

·         If you had three apples and four oranges in one hand and four apples and three oranges in other hand, what would you have?   *   Very large hands  

·         If it took eight men ten hours to build a wall, how long would it take four men to build it?   * No time at all, the wall is already built.  

·         How can you drop a raw egg onto a concrete floor without cracking it?   * Any way you want, concrete floors are very hard to crack.  

·         What happened when wheel was invented?  news got around

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And Finally….

Billy Graham was returning to Charlotte after a speaking engagement and when his plane arrived there was a limousine there to transport him to his home. As he prepared to get into the limo, he stopped and spoke to the driver.
'You know' he said, 'I have never driven a limousine. Would you mind if I drove it for a while?'
The driver said, 'No problem. Have at it.'
Billy gets into the driver's seat and they head off down the highway. A short distance away sat a rookie State Trooper operating his first speed trap.
The long black limo went by him doing 70 in a 55 mph zone.
The trooper pulled out and easily caught the limo then got out of his patrol car to begin the procedure. The young trooper walked up to the driver's door and when the glass was rolled down, he was surprised to see who was driving.
He immediately excused himself and went back to his car and called his supervisor. 'I know we are supposed to enforce the law.... but I also know that important people are sometimes given certain courtesies. I need to know what I should do because I have stopped a very important person.'
The supervisor asked, 'Is it the governor?'
The young trooper said, 'No, he's more important than that.'
The supervisor said, 'Oh, so it's the president.' 
The young trooper said, 'No, he's even more important than that.'
After a moment, the supervisor finally asked, 'Well then, who is it?'
The young trooper said, 'I don’t know but he's got Billy Graham for a chauffeur!'