This week I thought to explore ethnic humor. Most of it does not appeal to me – there are too many jokes that mock accents or belittle various other ethnicities. That is in part because humor is based in part on things that are unexpected, ridiculous, silly, or different, and ethnic groups are usually by definition different. With the wreck of the Costa Concordia, Italian captains are in the news, so the Italians sort of dominate this particular episode of the JOW.
Let’s get some stereotypes out of the way first.
HEAVEN is where:
The police are British
The chefs Italian
The mechanics are German
The lovers are French
and it's all organized by the Swiss
HELL is where:
The police are German
The chefs are British
The mechanics are French
The lovers are Swiss
and it's all organized by the Italians!!
Speaking of Italians….
Q: How do they serve alcoholic drinks on Italian cruise ships?
A: On the rocks
Q: What's the fastest way to get off an Italian cruise ship?
A: Follow the captain
After his retirement, Winston Churchill was cruising the Mediterranean on an Italian cruise liner, when some Italian journalists asked him why a former British prime minister would choose an Italian ship. Churchill replied, “There are three things I like about being on an Italian cruise ship. First, their cuisine is unsurpassed. Second, their service is superb. And then, in time of emergency, there is none of this nonsense about women and infants first.”
A paraphrase of Winston Churchill to J. Ribbentrop, German foreign minister shortly before WWII: "It's only fair that you have the Italians this time, we had them last time."
………………………………..
Luigi wanted his son to make a good marriage but mistrusted the boy’s judgment; so he took matters into his own hands.
Luigi 'I want you to marry a girl of my choice.'
Son: 'I will choose my own bride!!!'
Luigi: 'But the girl is Bill Gates' daughter.'
Son: 'Well, in that case... ok'
Next Luigi approaches Bill Gates.
Luigi: 'I have a husband for your daughter...'
Bill Gates: 'But my daughter is too young to marry!!!!!'
Luigi: 'But this young man is a vice-president of the World Bank'
Bill Gates: 'Ah, in that case...ok'
Finally Luigi goes to see the president of the World Bank.
Luigi: 'I have a young man to be recommended as a vice-president.'
President: 'But I already have more vice-presidents than I need!'
Luigi: 'But this young man is Bill Gates' son-in-law.'
President: 'Ah, in that case...ok'
And that, my friends, is how Italians do business.
Did you hear about the 21 year old Italian girl who knelt in front of the statue of Madonna?
She said: "You who conceived without sin, let me sin without conceiving!"
This one is from Debbie
Q: How do the Amish hunt?
A: They sneak up on a deer and build a barn around it
Ruthie passed this one on to me.
A man asked an American Indian
What was his wife's name.
He replied, "She is called Five Horses".
The man said, "That's an unusual name for your wife. What does it mean?"
The Old Indian answered, "It old Indian name. It mean...
NAG, NAG, NAG, NAG, NAG!
Finally one from Martha that reaches all ethnicities
Celibacy can be a choice in life, or a condition imposed by circumstances.
While attending a Marriage Weekend, Frank and his wife Nancy listened to the instructor declare, "It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other."
He then addressed the men. "Can you name and describe your wife's favorite flower?"
Frank leaned over, touched Nancy’s arm gently, and whispered, "Gold Medal-All-Purpose, isn't it?"
And thus began Frank's life of celibacy...
Tom
Monday, January 30, 2012
Monday, January 23, 2012
JOW of Genius
I saw a wonderful show about Albert Einstein on my favorite cable network: Geek TV. That got me thinking about genius. I myself am a misunderstood genius; I must be misunderstood, because nobody else thinks I'm a genius. That delusion (one of many) admitted, I do think my JOW readers are pretty smart people. So here are some jokes sort of connected to the idea of genius.
______________
Albert Einstein died of a cerebral hemorrhage - you could call it a Stroke of Genius.
……………………
“A genius is someone who takes a complex thing and makes it look simple. An academic does the opposite.”
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
How come you can play guitar and harmonica at the same time, like, you know, Bob Dylan or Neil Young you're a musical genius, but if you take that extra effort to strap some cymbals to your knees, people will cross the street to get the hell away from you?
====================
If genius is 1% inspiration and 99% perspiration, there must be a lot of bright people at my gym.
~~~~~~~~~~
Did you hear about the florist's twins? One was a budding genius and the other was a blooming idiot.
…………………….
A sad man walks into a bar, and the bartender asks him what the problem is.
"My life is awful," the man says. "Every night, I play Trivial Pursuit with my wife, and every night she beats me."
"Well, why don't you just stop playing Trivial Pursuit?" the bartender asks.
"I love the game," the man says. "I'm a genius. I never lose."
The bartender is confused. "I thought you just said your wife beats you."
"Well," the man explained, "she's a sore loser."
<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<
A police officer stops the famous Dr. Werner Heisenberg in his car for speeding. He walks up to the window and says "Do you have any idea how fast you were going, sir?"
"No", replies Heisenberg, "but I know exactly where I am!"
A quick puzzle:
Q: What type of cheese is made backwards?
A: EDAM.
Some folks say Steve Jobs was a genius; others say that it is ‘too soon’ to make jokes about him. These groups are wrong.
• Steve Jobs has released a new product called "iDead"
• Latest marketing claim by Apple - "The new G4 phones will do everything but cure pancreatic cancer."
Then there are those souls who make all of the rest of us look like geniuses. Here are some quotes to make that point
• "The word "genius" isn't applicable in football. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein." --Joe Theisman, NFL football quarterback & sports analyst.
• "Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that, but not with all those flies and death and stuff." --Mariah Carey
• "Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life," -- Brooke Shields, during an interview to become spokesperson for federal anti-smoking campaign
• "I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body," --Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward.
• "Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country," --Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, DC.
• "Half this game is ninety percent mental." --Philadelphia Phillies manager, Danny Ozark
Finally, after all that brain work, here are two simple quizzes that always make me smile.
Q: What do you call a bear with no ear?
A: 'B'
&
Q: What's brown and sticky?
A: A stick
Tom
______________
Albert Einstein died of a cerebral hemorrhage - you could call it a Stroke of Genius.
……………………
“A genius is someone who takes a complex thing and makes it look simple. An academic does the opposite.”
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
How come you can play guitar and harmonica at the same time, like, you know, Bob Dylan or Neil Young you're a musical genius, but if you take that extra effort to strap some cymbals to your knees, people will cross the street to get the hell away from you?
====================
If genius is 1% inspiration and 99% perspiration, there must be a lot of bright people at my gym.
~~~~~~~~~~
Did you hear about the florist's twins? One was a budding genius and the other was a blooming idiot.
…………………….
A sad man walks into a bar, and the bartender asks him what the problem is.
"My life is awful," the man says. "Every night, I play Trivial Pursuit with my wife, and every night she beats me."
"Well, why don't you just stop playing Trivial Pursuit?" the bartender asks.
"I love the game," the man says. "I'm a genius. I never lose."
The bartender is confused. "I thought you just said your wife beats you."
"Well," the man explained, "she's a sore loser."
<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<
A police officer stops the famous Dr. Werner Heisenberg in his car for speeding. He walks up to the window and says "Do you have any idea how fast you were going, sir?"
"No", replies Heisenberg, "but I know exactly where I am!"
A quick puzzle:
Q: What type of cheese is made backwards?
A: EDAM.
Some folks say Steve Jobs was a genius; others say that it is ‘too soon’ to make jokes about him. These groups are wrong.
• Steve Jobs has released a new product called "iDead"
• Latest marketing claim by Apple - "The new G4 phones will do everything but cure pancreatic cancer."
Then there are those souls who make all of the rest of us look like geniuses. Here are some quotes to make that point
• "The word "genius" isn't applicable in football. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein." --Joe Theisman, NFL football quarterback & sports analyst.
• "Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that, but not with all those flies and death and stuff." --Mariah Carey
• "Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life," -- Brooke Shields, during an interview to become spokesperson for federal anti-smoking campaign
• "I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body," --Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward.
• "Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country," --Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, DC.
• "Half this game is ninety percent mental." --Philadelphia Phillies manager, Danny Ozark
Finally, after all that brain work, here are two simple quizzes that always make me smile.
Q: What do you call a bear with no ear?
A: 'B'
&
Q: What's brown and sticky?
A: A stick
Tom
Monday, January 16, 2012
California Dreaming JOW
I am in California this week helping facilitate a project; since I am otherwise occupied this will be a terse JOW. Being in California has me thinking about that great state – California has it all: earthquakes, fires, mudslides, blizzards, riots, Initiatives, hey – think of a disaster and California has ‘em and probably better than anyone else. With that in mind here are my California Dreaming jokes.
When you live in Southern California things are a bit different:
• You make over $250,000 a year and still can't afford a house.
• It's sprinkling outside, so you leave for work an hour early to avoid all the weather-related accidents.
• Your child's third grade teacher has purple hair, a nose ring, and is named Breeze.
• You've been to a baby shower for an infant who has two mothers and a sperm donor.
• You have a very strong opinion about where your coffee beans are grown, and can taste the difference between Sumatran and Ethiopian.
• You know which restaurant serves the freshest arugula.
• The guy in line at Starbucks, wearing the baseball cap, sunglasses, and looks like George Clooney, IS George Clooney.
• Your car insurance costs as much as your house payment.
• Your hairdresser is straight, your plumber is gay, and your Mary Kay rep is a guy in drag.
• It's sprinkling out, and there's a report on every news channel about "THE STORM!"
• A family of four owns six vehicles.
• Even if the store is across the street, you drive there.
_______________
Q. How many Californians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A. None. Californians cannot afford to turn on the lights.
or
B. None. Californians might screw in hot tubs but never in light bulbs.
________________
Los Angeles police say a missing 84-year-old Canoga Park, California man with Alzheimer’s has been found in Nevada.
While doctors say that while it’s always dangerous for an Alzheimer’s patient to wander off, they’re somewhat encouraged that the man still had enough wherewithal to try and get the hell out of California.
…………………………………..
Occupy” protesters in Oakland clashed with police, set fires, and shattered windows. After their release from jail, several of the protesters are expected to be signed by the Raiders.
The San Francisco 49er’s are likely to go to the Super Bowl this year, so here are a couple of 49er jokes. Actually they were funnier when they were losing.
Marc Anthony, Jennifer Lopez's husband has become a minority owner in the Miami Dolphins. This move was apparently done to increase ticket sales to Miami's Hispanic population. In a elated move, the San Francisco 49ers sold a piece of the team to Clay Aiken
Police have detained a suspect in the shooting outside "Candlestick" Park... His name: Colonel Mustard..
Newspapers of America & Demographics
1. The Wall Street Journal is read by the people who run the country.
2. The Washington Post is read by people who think they run the country.
3. The New York Times is read by people who think they should run the country and who are very good at crossword puzzles.
4. USA Today is read by people who think they ought to run the country but don't really understand The New York Times. They do, however, like their statistics shown in pie charts.
5. The Los Angeles Times is read by people who wouldn't mind running the country, if they could find the time, and if they didn't have to leave Southern California to do it.
6. The Boston Globe is read by people whose parents used to run the country and did a poor job of it, thank you very much.
7. The New York Daily News is read by people who aren't too sure who's running the country and don't really care as long as they can get a seat on the train.
8. The New York Post is read by people who don't care who is running the country as long as they do something really scandalous, preferably while intoxicated.
9. The Miami Herald is read by people who are running another country but need the baseball scores.
10. The San Francisco Chronicle is read by people who aren't sure if there is a country or that anyone is running it; but if so, they oppose all that they stand for. There are occasional exceptions if the leaders are handicapped minority feminist atheists who also happen to be illegal aliens from any other country or galaxy - provided of course, that they are not Republicans.
11. The National Enquirer is read by people trapped in line at the grocery store.
12. The Seattle Times is read by people who have recently caught a fish and need something in which to wrap it.
++++++++++++++
Finally a couple of “numbers” jokes
There are two rules for success: 1.) Don't tell all you know.
And from Bill, a joke that really has to be read to be appreciated.
There are only lO types of people in the world; those that believe in binary numbers and those that don’t.
Tom
When you live in Southern California things are a bit different:
• You make over $250,000 a year and still can't afford a house.
• It's sprinkling outside, so you leave for work an hour early to avoid all the weather-related accidents.
• Your child's third grade teacher has purple hair, a nose ring, and is named Breeze.
• You've been to a baby shower for an infant who has two mothers and a sperm donor.
• You have a very strong opinion about where your coffee beans are grown, and can taste the difference between Sumatran and Ethiopian.
• You know which restaurant serves the freshest arugula.
• The guy in line at Starbucks, wearing the baseball cap, sunglasses, and looks like George Clooney, IS George Clooney.
• Your car insurance costs as much as your house payment.
• Your hairdresser is straight, your plumber is gay, and your Mary Kay rep is a guy in drag.
• It's sprinkling out, and there's a report on every news channel about "THE STORM!"
• A family of four owns six vehicles.
• Even if the store is across the street, you drive there.
_______________
Q. How many Californians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A. None. Californians cannot afford to turn on the lights.
or
B. None. Californians might screw in hot tubs but never in light bulbs.
________________
Los Angeles police say a missing 84-year-old Canoga Park, California man with Alzheimer’s has been found in Nevada.
While doctors say that while it’s always dangerous for an Alzheimer’s patient to wander off, they’re somewhat encouraged that the man still had enough wherewithal to try and get the hell out of California.
…………………………………..
Occupy” protesters in Oakland clashed with police, set fires, and shattered windows. After their release from jail, several of the protesters are expected to be signed by the Raiders.
The San Francisco 49er’s are likely to go to the Super Bowl this year, so here are a couple of 49er jokes. Actually they were funnier when they were losing.
Marc Anthony, Jennifer Lopez's husband has become a minority owner in the Miami Dolphins. This move was apparently done to increase ticket sales to Miami's Hispanic population. In a elated move, the San Francisco 49ers sold a piece of the team to Clay Aiken
Police have detained a suspect in the shooting outside "Candlestick" Park... His name: Colonel Mustard..
Newspapers of America & Demographics
1. The Wall Street Journal is read by the people who run the country.
2. The Washington Post is read by people who think they run the country.
3. The New York Times is read by people who think they should run the country and who are very good at crossword puzzles.
4. USA Today is read by people who think they ought to run the country but don't really understand The New York Times. They do, however, like their statistics shown in pie charts.
5. The Los Angeles Times is read by people who wouldn't mind running the country, if they could find the time, and if they didn't have to leave Southern California to do it.
6. The Boston Globe is read by people whose parents used to run the country and did a poor job of it, thank you very much.
7. The New York Daily News is read by people who aren't too sure who's running the country and don't really care as long as they can get a seat on the train.
8. The New York Post is read by people who don't care who is running the country as long as they do something really scandalous, preferably while intoxicated.
9. The Miami Herald is read by people who are running another country but need the baseball scores.
10. The San Francisco Chronicle is read by people who aren't sure if there is a country or that anyone is running it; but if so, they oppose all that they stand for. There are occasional exceptions if the leaders are handicapped minority feminist atheists who also happen to be illegal aliens from any other country or galaxy - provided of course, that they are not Republicans.
11. The National Enquirer is read by people trapped in line at the grocery store.
12. The Seattle Times is read by people who have recently caught a fish and need something in which to wrap it.
++++++++++++++
Finally a couple of “numbers” jokes
There are two rules for success: 1.) Don't tell all you know.
And from Bill, a joke that really has to be read to be appreciated.
There are only lO types of people in the world; those that believe in binary numbers and those that don’t.
Tom
Tuesday, January 10, 2012
Testing...testing.... JOW
Many students are back in school now which got me thinking about school and tests, and the next thing I knew I had my JOW theme – tests and some ‘pretty good answers’. By the way Ruth and I had the opportunity to do some work in connection with a building implosion this Sunday. My friend Travis is quite the skilled videographer. If you want to see what a building that has been in existence longer than I have looks like coming down, please check out Travis’ excellent half speed video of the event. I assure you it was quite spectacular to watch (and feel) something that big come down, all in about 20 seconds.
Here is the link - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QGCpT8quqXI
Dan contributed these questions with their perfectly rational (but incorrect) answers.
Q1. In which battle did Napoleon die?
* his last battle
Q2. Where was the Declaration of Independence signed?
* at the bottom of the page
Q3. River Ravi flows in which state?
* liquid
Q4. What is the main reason for divorce?
* marriage
Q5. What is the main reason for failure?
* exams
Q6. What can you never eat for breakfast?
* Lunch & dinner
Q7. What looks like half an apple?
* The other half
Q8. If you throw a red stone into the blue sea what it will become?
* It will simply become wet
Q9. How can a man go eight days without sleeping?
* No problem, he sleeps at night.
Q10. How can you lift an elephant with one hand?
* You will never find an elephant that has only one hand..
Q11. If you had three apples and four oranges in one hand and four apples and three oranges in other hand, what would you have?
* Very large hands
Q12. If it took eight men ten hours to build a wall, how long would it take four men to build it?
* No time at all, the wall is already built.
Q13. How can u drop a raw egg onto a concrete floor without cracking it?
*Any way you want, concrete floors are very hard to crack.
------------------------------------
A philosophy professor asked his students just one question for their final exam.
The question was: “How are you going to make me believe that this chair in front of you is invisible?”
It took most of the class an hour of scribbling in their blue books. One student, however only took a few seconds and got a passing grade. His answer?
“What chair?”
……………………………………..
Q: How many software testers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. Software testers just noticed that the room was dark. Testers don't fix the problems, they just find them.
****************
Q: How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: NONE! That's a hardware problem....
++++++++++++++++
And while we are on the subject of software testers:
Two software testers went into a diner and ordered two drinks. Then they produced sandwiches from their briefcases and started to eat. The owner became quite disturbed; he marched over and told them, “You cannot eat your own sandwiches in here!”
The testers looked at each other, shrugged their shoulders and then exchanged sandwiches.
=======================================
Mary Ellen offered this sample of test answers
Students in an advanced Biology class were taking their mid-term test. The last question was, 'Name seven advantages of Mother's Milk.'
One student was hard put to think of seven advantages. He wrote:
1.) It is perfect formula for the child.
2.) It provides immunity against several diseases.
3.) It is always the right temperature.
4.) It is inexpensive.
5.) It bonds the child to mother, and vice versa.
6.) It is always available as needed.
And then, the student was stuck. Finally, in desperation, just before the bell rang indicating the end of the test, he wrote..
7.) It comes in 2 attractive reusable containers.
He got an A+
Tom
Here is the link - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QGCpT8quqXI
Dan contributed these questions with their perfectly rational (but incorrect) answers.
Q1. In which battle did Napoleon die?
* his last battle
Q2. Where was the Declaration of Independence signed?
* at the bottom of the page
Q3. River Ravi flows in which state?
* liquid
Q4. What is the main reason for divorce?
* marriage
Q5. What is the main reason for failure?
* exams
Q6. What can you never eat for breakfast?
* Lunch & dinner
Q7. What looks like half an apple?
* The other half
Q8. If you throw a red stone into the blue sea what it will become?
* It will simply become wet
Q9. How can a man go eight days without sleeping?
* No problem, he sleeps at night.
Q10. How can you lift an elephant with one hand?
* You will never find an elephant that has only one hand..
Q11. If you had three apples and four oranges in one hand and four apples and three oranges in other hand, what would you have?
* Very large hands
Q12. If it took eight men ten hours to build a wall, how long would it take four men to build it?
* No time at all, the wall is already built.
Q13. How can u drop a raw egg onto a concrete floor without cracking it?
*Any way you want, concrete floors are very hard to crack.
------------------------------------
A philosophy professor asked his students just one question for their final exam.
The question was: “How are you going to make me believe that this chair in front of you is invisible?”
It took most of the class an hour of scribbling in their blue books. One student, however only took a few seconds and got a passing grade. His answer?
“What chair?”
……………………………………..
Q: How many software testers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. Software testers just noticed that the room was dark. Testers don't fix the problems, they just find them.
****************
Q: How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: NONE! That's a hardware problem....
++++++++++++++++
And while we are on the subject of software testers:
Two software testers went into a diner and ordered two drinks. Then they produced sandwiches from their briefcases and started to eat. The owner became quite disturbed; he marched over and told them, “You cannot eat your own sandwiches in here!”
The testers looked at each other, shrugged their shoulders and then exchanged sandwiches.
=======================================
Mary Ellen offered this sample of test answers
Students in an advanced Biology class were taking their mid-term test. The last question was, 'Name seven advantages of Mother's Milk.'
One student was hard put to think of seven advantages. He wrote:
1.) It is perfect formula for the child.
2.) It provides immunity against several diseases.
3.) It is always the right temperature.
4.) It is inexpensive.
5.) It bonds the child to mother, and vice versa.
6.) It is always available as needed.
And then, the student was stuck. Finally, in desperation, just before the bell rang indicating the end of the test, he wrote..
7.) It comes in 2 attractive reusable containers.
He got an A+
Tom
Tuesday, January 3, 2012
Poetic JOW
My poetic license was not renewed this Christmas; I am sure this comes as a relief to some of you. This loss got me thinking about poetry – mostly bad poetry. I will start with some actual poetry from an acknowledged poet about humor; things go downhill pretty fast after that.
"Don't Grin or You'll Have To Bear It"
by Ogden Nash
It is better in the long run to have an abscess or a tumor
Than to possess a sense of humor
People who have senses of humor have a very good time
But they never accomplish anything of note, either despicable or sublime
Because how can anyone accomplish anything immortal
When they realize they look pretty funny doing it and have to stop to chortle
-----------------------------------------------
A nurse is giving a young medical intern a tour of the hospital.
The intern approaches one bedridden patient and asks, “Why are you here?”
The patient replies, “Wee sleket cowerin’ timrous beastie/O, what a panic is in thy breastie.”
The intern moves on to the next bed and asks the same question, “Why are you here?”
The patient answers, “O, my luv is like a red, red, rose that’s newly sprung in June.”
The intern moves on to a third bed and asks again, “Why are you here” to which
the third patient replies,
“The best laid plans of mice and men, may often gang awry.”
At this the intern turns to the nurse and asks, “What ward is this anyway.”
And the nurse answers, “It’s the Burns Unit.”
+++++++++++++++++++++
Poetic Questions
• Question: How does a poet sneeze?
Answer: Haiku!!!
• Question: Why are poets always so poor?
Answer: Because rhyme doesn’t pay.
• Question: What did William Wordsworth mean by “a spontaneous overflow of emotion recollected in tranquility”?
Answer: Puberty.
• Question: Why do Cowboys write poetry?
Answer: Because they’re inspired by the moos.
• Question: What is the highest honor among Cowboy poets?
Answer: Poet lariat.
• Question: Why didn’t the angry farmer divorce his wife when she traded their prize milking cow for a book of poetry?
Answer: Because he vowed to love her for butter or verse.
• Question: What do you get when you combine Robert Frost and James Bond?
Answer: The Road Not Shaken but Stirred.
• Question: Where do poets obtain poetic licenses?
Answer: From the DMV - the Department of Metrical Verse.
Here are some metaphorical questions
• Question: What did the poet say to Luke Skywalker?
Answer: “Metaphors be with you.”
• Question: What is a metaphor?
Answer: For grazin’ yer cattle.
• Question: What is a simile?
Answer: It’s like a metaphor.
• Question: What is a poetic pick up line?
Answer: Haven’t we metaphor?
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Just before Christmas I came across a long line of people waiting for a promised shipment of dolls from Mattel at a store in Houston. As I scanned the line, I noticed a friend waiting with all the others. I knew my friend had no young daughters or female relatives, so I figured he must like the dolls himself.
"Glen," I said going up to him, "I didn't know you were a doll collector!"
"I'm not," he replied.
"Oh," I said, "You're buying a gift, then."
"No, not at all," my friend responded.
"If you don't mind my asking then Glen," I said, "Why are you standing in this line?"
"Oh that; I just love a Texas barbie queue!"
Which gets me thinking of Barbie; here is a recently intercepted letter from her to Mattel corporate headquarters.
Dear Sir,
I've been helping you out every year, playing at being the perfect Christmas present, wearing skimpy bathing suits in frigid weather, and drowning in fake tea from one too many tea parties: IT'S DEFINITELY PAYBACK TIME! There had better be some changes around here this year, or I am going to have a meltdown (and trust me, you won't wanna be around to smell it).
So, here are my demands:
1. A nice, comfy pair of sweat pants and a frumpy, oversized sweatshirt. I'm sick of looking like a hooker. How much smaller are these bathing suits gonna get? Do you have any idea what it feels like to have nylon and Velcro crawling up your butt?
2. Real underwear that can be pulled on and off. Preferably white. What bonehead at Mattel decided to cheap out and MOLD imitation underwear to my skin?!? It looks like cellulite!
3. A REAL man...maybe GI Joe. Hell, I'd take Tickle-Me Elmo over that wimped-out excuse for a boyfriend, Ken. And what's with that earring anyway? If I'm gonna have to suffer with him, at least make him (and me) anatomically correct.
4. Arms that actually bend so I can push the aforementioned Ken-wimp away once he is anatomically correct.
5. Breast reduction surgery. I don't care whose arm you have to twist, just get it done.
6. A sports bra to wear until I get the surgery.
7. A new career. Pet doctor and school teacher just don't cut it. How about a systems analyst? Or better yet, an advertising account exec!
8. A new, persona; after all I am over 40 now. Maybe "PMS Barbie", complete with a miniature container of chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream, some red wine, and a bag of chips; or "Stop Smoking Barbie", sporting a removable Nicotrol patch and equipped with several packs of gum.
Ok, Mr. CEO, that's it. Considering my valuable contribution to society, I don't think these requests are out of line. If you disagree, then you can find yourself a new bimbo doll for next Christmas. It's that simple.
Yours truly,
Barbie
Dream house, Malibu, CA
Tom
"Don't Grin or You'll Have To Bear It"
by Ogden Nash
It is better in the long run to have an abscess or a tumor
Than to possess a sense of humor
People who have senses of humor have a very good time
But they never accomplish anything of note, either despicable or sublime
Because how can anyone accomplish anything immortal
When they realize they look pretty funny doing it and have to stop to chortle
-----------------------------------------------
A nurse is giving a young medical intern a tour of the hospital.
The intern approaches one bedridden patient and asks, “Why are you here?”
The patient replies, “Wee sleket cowerin’ timrous beastie/O, what a panic is in thy breastie.”
The intern moves on to the next bed and asks the same question, “Why are you here?”
The patient answers, “O, my luv is like a red, red, rose that’s newly sprung in June.”
The intern moves on to a third bed and asks again, “Why are you here” to which
the third patient replies,
“The best laid plans of mice and men, may often gang awry.”
At this the intern turns to the nurse and asks, “What ward is this anyway.”
And the nurse answers, “It’s the Burns Unit.”
+++++++++++++++++++++
Poetic Questions
• Question: How does a poet sneeze?
Answer: Haiku!!!
• Question: Why are poets always so poor?
Answer: Because rhyme doesn’t pay.
• Question: What did William Wordsworth mean by “a spontaneous overflow of emotion recollected in tranquility”?
Answer: Puberty.
• Question: Why do Cowboys write poetry?
Answer: Because they’re inspired by the moos.
• Question: What is the highest honor among Cowboy poets?
Answer: Poet lariat.
• Question: Why didn’t the angry farmer divorce his wife when she traded their prize milking cow for a book of poetry?
Answer: Because he vowed to love her for butter or verse.
• Question: What do you get when you combine Robert Frost and James Bond?
Answer: The Road Not Shaken but Stirred.
• Question: Where do poets obtain poetic licenses?
Answer: From the DMV - the Department of Metrical Verse.
Here are some metaphorical questions
• Question: What did the poet say to Luke Skywalker?
Answer: “Metaphors be with you.”
• Question: What is a metaphor?
Answer: For grazin’ yer cattle.
• Question: What is a simile?
Answer: It’s like a metaphor.
• Question: What is a poetic pick up line?
Answer: Haven’t we metaphor?
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Just before Christmas I came across a long line of people waiting for a promised shipment of dolls from Mattel at a store in Houston. As I scanned the line, I noticed a friend waiting with all the others. I knew my friend had no young daughters or female relatives, so I figured he must like the dolls himself.
"Glen," I said going up to him, "I didn't know you were a doll collector!"
"I'm not," he replied.
"Oh," I said, "You're buying a gift, then."
"No, not at all," my friend responded.
"If you don't mind my asking then Glen," I said, "Why are you standing in this line?"
"Oh that; I just love a Texas barbie queue!"
Which gets me thinking of Barbie; here is a recently intercepted letter from her to Mattel corporate headquarters.
Dear Sir,
I've been helping you out every year, playing at being the perfect Christmas present, wearing skimpy bathing suits in frigid weather, and drowning in fake tea from one too many tea parties: IT'S DEFINITELY PAYBACK TIME! There had better be some changes around here this year, or I am going to have a meltdown (and trust me, you won't wanna be around to smell it).
So, here are my demands:
1. A nice, comfy pair of sweat pants and a frumpy, oversized sweatshirt. I'm sick of looking like a hooker. How much smaller are these bathing suits gonna get? Do you have any idea what it feels like to have nylon and Velcro crawling up your butt?
2. Real underwear that can be pulled on and off. Preferably white. What bonehead at Mattel decided to cheap out and MOLD imitation underwear to my skin?!? It looks like cellulite!
3. A REAL man...maybe GI Joe. Hell, I'd take Tickle-Me Elmo over that wimped-out excuse for a boyfriend, Ken. And what's with that earring anyway? If I'm gonna have to suffer with him, at least make him (and me) anatomically correct.
4. Arms that actually bend so I can push the aforementioned Ken-wimp away once he is anatomically correct.
5. Breast reduction surgery. I don't care whose arm you have to twist, just get it done.
6. A sports bra to wear until I get the surgery.
7. A new career. Pet doctor and school teacher just don't cut it. How about a systems analyst? Or better yet, an advertising account exec!
8. A new, persona; after all I am over 40 now. Maybe "PMS Barbie", complete with a miniature container of chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream, some red wine, and a bag of chips; or "Stop Smoking Barbie", sporting a removable Nicotrol patch and equipped with several packs of gum.
Ok, Mr. CEO, that's it. Considering my valuable contribution to society, I don't think these requests are out of line. If you disagree, then you can find yourself a new bimbo doll for next Christmas. It's that simple.
Yours truly,
Barbie
Dream house, Malibu, CA
Tom
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)