Argumentative JOW #1019

Men and women have been having disagreements since, well, forever.  The man is usually outmaneuvered in these verbal conflicts.  There are two ways a man can argue with a woman.  Neither one works.

My wife and I have the secret to making a marriage last.  Two time a week we got to a nice restaurant and have a little wine and some good food.  She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.

Here are a few jokes about gender communications.

A romantic wife, missing her husband who was on a trip, sent him this lovely text:

“If you are sleeping send me your dreams.  If you are laughing send me your smile.  If you are drinking, send me a sip.  If you are crying send me your tears.  I love you.”

The husband, an engineer, replied: “I am on the toilet.  Please advise.”

Therapist – Your wife says you never buy her flowers.

Husband – I never even knew she sold flowers.

Husband – I want to you have this bracelet.  It belonged to my grandmother.

Wife – Why does it say “Do Not Resuscitate”?

Husband – I want to be cremated after I die.

Wife – I’ll make an appointment for next Thursday.

Wife – Take me to a restaurant where they make your dinner right in front of you.

Husband – Subway, here we come!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The three hardest things for a man to say.

·         I was wrong

·         I am sorry

·         Worcestershire Sause

And on a different note.

I have a bumper sticker: “Honk if you think I’m Sexy.”  Then I just sit at the light when it turns green until I feel better about myself.

^^^^^^^^^^^^

I hate it when people act all intellectual and talk about Mozart when they’ve never even seen one of his paintings….

From Dan:

I call my stomach flat.  The ‘L’ is silent.

I thought the dryer made my clothes shrink.  Turns out it was the refrigerator.

Exercise makes you look better naked.  So does alcohol…. It’s your choice.

I have a new invention.  I combined a laxative and alphabet soup.  I call it ‘Letter Rip.”

I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.

If you don’t know what to get the man who has everything, try burning down his house.

Dick sent some good ones…

From Argentina: The government has announced that starting May 1 there will be a reduction of 25% for a liter of gasoline.  The new liter will be 750 ml.

Some formerly royal jokes

“Prince Harry is the first man I’ve ever heard of who wants to quit his family so he can spend more time working.”

  

“Prince Harry always wanted to run away from home…he just waited until he was 35, married, and with a small child to do it.”

“The Duke and Duchess of Sussex are fed up with all the trappings of royal life…they just want to be regular millionaires.”

“Harry and Meghan are sending a terrible message to young people – that if they ever want to leave home they can always find a Canadian billionaire who will give them a place to stay.”

“Harry and Meghan are showing us all how to be independent. First, find that Canadian billionaire who can give you a place to stay.”

Some racy old faux Confucius jokes.

 OK to let a fool kiss you, but not OK to let a kiss fool you.

 Kiss is merely shopping upstairs for real merchandise downstairs.

 Better to lose a lover than love a loser.

 Man with broken condom often called Daddy.

 Drunken man's words often sober man's thoughts.

 Marriage is same as bank account.  You put it in, you take it out, you lose interest.

 Viagra just like Disneyland ......One hour wait for 2-minute ride..

 Joke is just like sex.  Neither any good if you don't get it.

 Virginity like bubble on stream of life, one prick, and it's gone forever.

 Man who buys many prunes, get good run for money.

  

 It take many nails to build crib, but one screw to fill it..

 Man who fish in other man's well often catch crabs

.

 Crowded elevator smell different to midget.

 Man who wants pretty nurse, must be patient.

 Passionate kiss, like spider web, leads to undoing of fly.

And finally

Three old ladies are sitting around a table playing bridge and bragging about their sons. “My Freddie,” said Margaret, “Everyone should be so lucky to have a son like my Freddie. Once a week he brings me a huge bouquet of flowers, he’s constantly bringing me out to restaurants to eat, if I so much as hint that I want something the next morning it’s on my doorstep.”

“That’s very nice about your Freddie”, says Gertrude. “But with all due respect, when I think about the way my Sammy takes care of me, it just can’t compare. Every morning as soon as I wake up he greets me with bacon and freshly brewed coffee. Every lunch he comes over and cooks me a gourmet lunch, and every supper he brings me to his house for supper, he truly treats me like a queen.”

“WELL!” Says Lorraine “I don’t want to make any of you feel bad or anything, but wait until you hear about my Harry, twice a week he pays someone $200 an hour just so he can lie on their couch and talk to them, and who do you think he talks about at those prices? I’ll tell you who he talks about! ALL HE TALKS ABOUT IS ME!”

Prayerful JOW #1018

I have been thinking about prayer lately.  I am confident prayer works; when I had my brain tumor many of you prayed for me (or perhaps for my surgeons) with good results.  So I am confident in the power of prayer.  When Nancy Pelosi says she is praying for Donald Trump, I believe her - and I recommend Donald Trump get himself a good checkup from his oncologist. 

Here are a few jokes about prayer:

‘’’’’’’’’’

So far today, God, I've done all right. I haven't lost my temper, haven't been greedy, grumpy, nasty, selfish, or over-indulgent. I'm really glad about that. But in a few minutes, God, I'm going to get out of bed and from then on I'm probably going to need a lot more help.

++++++++++++

A young boy called the pastor of a local ‘corner’ church to ask the pastor to come by to pray for his mother who had been very ill with the flu.  The pastor knew the family and was aware they had been attending another church down the road. So the pastor asked, "Shouldn't you be asking Brother Simon down the road to come by to pray with your mom?" 
The young boy replied, "Yeah, but we didn't want to take the chance that he might catch whatever this is that Mom has."

=========

They have Dial-a-Prayer for atheists now.  You call up and it rings and rings but nobody answers.

>>>>>>>>>> 

Three preachers sat discussing the best positions for prayer while a telephone repairman worked nearby. "Kneeling is definitely best," claimed one.      

"No," another contended. "I get the best results standing with my hands outstretched to Heaven."      

"You're both wrong," the third insisted. "The most effective prayer position is lying prostrate, face down on the floor."      

The repairman could contain himself no longer. "Hey, fellas, "he interrupted, "the best prayin' I ever did was hangin' upside down from a telephone pole."

````````````````

A journalist was assigned to the Jerusalem bureau of his newspaper. He gets an apartment overlooking the Western Wall. After several weeks he realizes that whenever he looks at the wall he sees an old Jewish man praying vigorously.   The journalist wondered whether there was a publishable story here. He goes down to the wall, introduces himself and says: "You come every day to the wall. What are you praying for?"      

The old man replies: "What am I praying for? In the morning I pray for world peace, then I pray for the brotherhood of man. I go home, have a glass of tea, and I come back to the wall to pray for the eradication of illness and disease from the earth."      

The journalist is taken by the old man's sincerity and persistence. "You mean you have been coming to the wall to pray every day for these things?"      The old man nods.      "How long have you been coming to the wall to pray for these things?"      

The old man becomes reflective and then replies: "How long? Maybe twenty, twenty-five years."      

The amazed journalist finally asks: "How does it feel to come and pray every day for over 20 years for these things?"      

"How does it feel?" the old man replies. "It feels like I'm talking to a wall."

---------------------

The temporary Sunday school teacher was struggling to open a combination lock on the supply cabinet. She had been told the combination, but couldn't quite remember it.
Finally she went to the pastor's study and asked for help. The pastor came into the room and began to turn the dial.
After the first two numbers he paused and stared blankly for a moment.
Finally he looked serenely heavenward and his lips moved silently.
Then he looked back at the lock, and quickly turned to the final number, and opened the lock.
The teacher was amazed. "I'm in awe at your faith, pastor," she said.
"It's really nothing," he answered. "The number is on a piece of tape on the ceiling."

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

A little boy was kneeling beside his bed with his mother and grandmother and softly saying his prayers, "Dear God, please bless Mummy and Daddy and all the family and please give me a good night's sleep."
Suddenly he looked up and shouted, "And don't forget to give me a bicycle for my birthday!!"
"There is no need to shout like that," said his mother. "God isn't deaf."
No," said the little boy, "but Grandma is."

>>>>>>>>>> 

There was once a Christian lady who lived next door to an atheist.  Everyday, when the lady prayed, the atheist guy could hear her. He thought to himself, "She sure is crazy, praying all the time like that. Doesn't she know there isn't a God?"
Many times, he would go to her house and harass her, saying "Lady, why do you pray all the time? Don't you know there is no God?" But she kept on praying.
One day, she ran out of groceries. As usual, she was praying to the Lord explaining her situation and thanking Him for what He was going to do.
The atheist heard her praying and thought to himself. "Hmph . . .I'll fix her."  He went to the grocery store, bought a whole bunch of groceries, took them to her house, dropped them off on the front porch, rang the doorbell and then hid in the bushes to see what she would do. When she opened the door and saw the groceries, she began to loudly praise the Lord with all her heart, jumping,  and shouting.
The atheist then jumped out of the bushes and told her, "You ol' crazy lady, God didn't buy you those groceries, I bought those groceries!"
Well, she began praising the Lord even louder.  "I knew the Lord would provide me with some groceries, but I didn't know he was gonna make the devil pay for them!"

No Account(ing) JOW 1017

I have had to do the minor bookkeeping for my shooting club.  I hate doing the books and can’t imagine doing them for a living - that is what accountants are for.  When I was young I needed some nice clothes that cost $100.  I didn’t have the money so I borrowed $50 from dad and $50 from my mom.  The clothes only cost $97 so I gave my mom and dad $1 each and kept $1 for myself.  Then I realized I owned dad $49, mom $49 which equals $98.  I had one dollar for myself. That is $99. I could never figure out what happened to the other dollar.  That was the moment I realized I could never be an accountant.

So I thought perhaps I should do some accounting jokes.  Have you heard the joke about the interesting accountant? Nope. Me neither.

Accounting professionals like to think they are calm, composed and methodical. They are sure they can save the world through peace, goodwill, and reconciliation.  They have such strong internal controls, they're never, ever unbalanced. When I ask how many accountants it takes to change a light bulb, one will say, let me run a few numbers and get back to you, quickly concluding: It takes one accountant to do the work and one to make sure it was done within budget.

Do you know many accountants I think it takes to change a light bulb? How much money do you have?

What is the definition of “accountant”? Someone who solves a problem you didn’t know you had in a way you don’t understand.

An accountant is the type of man who marries a supermodel for her money.

A tax accountant is a person who takes numbers on pieces of paper and puts the numbers on other pieces of paper.

What do you call an accountant who is seen talking to someone? Popular

How do you know when an accountant is on vacation?

He doesn’t wear a tie and comes in after 8 a.m.

An accountant is having a hard time sleeping and goes to see his doctor. "Doctor, I just can't get to sleep at night," he says. "Have you tried counting sheep?" asks the doctor. 

"That's the problem — I make a mistake and then spend six hours trying to find it."

What does an accountant’s wife say when she can’t get to sleep?  “Darling, could you tell me about your work.”

  

 What does an accountant call a trial balance that doesn't balance?

A late night.

A young accountant fresh out of college is interviewed by the owner of a small business. “I need someone with an accounting degree,” says the man. “But mainly I’m looking for someone to do my worrying for me. I have lots of things to worry about, but I want someone else to worry about money matters.”

“OK,” says the accountant. “How much are you offering?”

“You can start at $75,000 a year,” says the owner.

“That’s a great salary!” says the young accountant. “How can a business like yours afford to pay so much?”

“That,” says the man, “is your first worry.”

Accountant questions

An accountancy student asks a partner to explain ethics in accountancy. The partner thinks for a moment and relates the following.
‘Mr. Jones, one of our clients, came to see me last week and paid me his bill of $1,000 in cash. As he left I counted the notes and they came to $1,100.
The student said. ‘I see. The ethics question is do I tell the client?’
‘No. The question is: do I tell my partner’

If your dog “does his business" in the basement can you deduct it as office space?

What do actuaries do to liven up their office party? Invite an accountant.

Why do some accountants decide to become actuaries? They find bookkeeping too exciting.

Why was the accountant in rehab? Solvency abuse

Did you hear about the deviant Forensic Accountant? He got his client’s charges reduced from gross indecency to net indecency

Why don’t accountants read many novels? Because the only numbers in them are page numbers

What is the most wicked thing a group of young accountants can do? Go into town and gang-audit someone.

Where do homeless accountants live? In a tax shelter

What’s the difference between an accountant and a lawyer? The accountant knows he’s boring.

Why do economists exist? So accountants have someone to laugh at.

What’s an actuary? An accountant without a sense of humor

Why do some accountants become actuaries? They find bookkeeping too exciting

You might be an accountant if:

·         You deduct Ex-Lax as “moving expenses”

·         You have no idea that GAP is a clothing store

·         Your idea of trashing your hotel room is refusing to fill out the guest comment card

A business owner tells her friend that she is desperately searching for an accountant. Her friend asks, “Didn’t your company hire an accountant a short while ago?” The business owner replies, “That’s the accountant I’ve been searching for.”

One last unrelated joke

The world's leading expert on European wasps walks into a record shop.

He asks the assistant “Do you have ‘European Vespidae Acoustics Volume 2? I believe it was released this week.”
 “Certainly,” replies the assistant. “Would you like to listen before you buy it?”

 "That would be wonderful," says the expert, and puts on a pair of headphones and begins listening to the buzzing sounds.
He listens for a few moments and says to the assistant, “I'm terribly sorry, but I am the world's leading expert on European wasps and this is not accurate at all. I don't recognize any of those sounds. Are you sure this is the correct recording?”
 The assistant checks the turntable, and replies that it is indeed European Vespidae Acoustics Volume 2. The assistant apologizes and lifts the needle onto the next track.
 Again the expert listens for a few moments and then says to the assistant, "No, this just can't be right! I've been an expert in this field for 43 years and I still don't recognize any of these sounds."

 The assistant apologizes again and lifts the needle to the next track.
The expert throws off the headphones as soon as it starts playing and is fuming with rage. 

"This is outrageous false advertising! I am the world's leading expert on European wasps and no European wasp has ever made a sound like the ones on this record!"

The manager of the shop overhears the commotion and walks over.

"What seems to be the problem, sir?"

"This is an outrage! I am the world's leading expert on European wasps. Nobody knows more about them than I do. There is no way in hell that the sounds on that record were made by European wasps!"
 The manager glances down and notices the problem instantly.

"I'm terribly sorry, sir. It appears we've been playing you the bee side"

Shy, Retiring JOW #1016

It recently realized that I have not had a steady ‘real job’ since 2009.  I guess that means I have been retired for over ten years.  Retirement is wonderful.  It’s doing nothing without worrying about getting caught at it.   I guess retirement is when you stop lying about your age and start lying around the house.  So I have a few riddles, quotes, truisms, and jokes about poor old retirees.

Retirement riddles

How many days in a retiree’s week?

Six Saturdays and Sunday.

When is a retiree’s bedtime?

Two hours after falling asleep on the couch.

How many retirees does it take to change a light bulb?

Only one but it takes all day.

What is the biggest gripe of retirees?

There is not enough time to get everything done.

Why don’t retirees mind being called Seniors?

The term comes with a 10% discount

What is considered formal attire for retirees?

Tied shoes.

Why do retirees count their pennies?

They are the only ones who have the time.

What do retirees call a long lunch?

Normal

What do mathematicians call retirement?

Aftermath

What do you call a person who is glad to see Monday arrive?

Retired

Retired truisms

·         In your retirement years never drink coffee at lunch; it will keep you aware in the afternoon.

·         Retirement is like a long vacation in Las Vegas. The goal is to enjoy it the fullest, but not so fully that you run out of money.

·         The money’s not as good in retirement but the hours are way better.

·         When a man retires his wife gets twice the husband but only half the income.

·         When you retire, you switch bosses – from the one who hired you to the one who married you.

·         Retirement is the time in your life when time is no longer money.

Some quotes

"There's never enough time to do all the nothing you want." — Bill Watterson

“It is better to live rich than to die rich.” — Samuel Johnson

 “There are some who start their retirement long before they stop working.” — Robert Half

 “Retirement: It’s nice to get out of the rat race, but you have to learn to get along with less cheese.” — Gene Perret

>>>>>>>>>>> 

My grandfather tried to warn them about the Titanic. He screamed and shouted about the iceberg and how the ship was going to sink, but all they did was throw him out of the theater.

````````

After my 91-year-old woman finished having her hair cut and shaped, the stylist announced, “There, now you look ten years younger.”
She, un­impressed, replied, “Who wants to look 81 years old?”

--------

Maurice, and 87 year old man, was very happy living in a nursing home.  After meeting Edna, a 76 year old lady, he was even happier.  Soon he fell deeply in love.  One afternoon while they were taking a walk Maurice plucked up his courage, got down on one knee.  Taking a big gulp he told Edna there were two things he would like to ask her.  Edna smiled and replied, “Alright.”

Maurice asked softly, “Edna, will you marry me?”

Delighted Edna answered him, “Yes.  And what is the second question?”

“Will you please help me get up?”

============

Somewhere an elderly lady reads a book on how to use the internet, while a young boy googles "how to read a book".

Which brought me to this amazing news article

In what has been hailed as ‘a miracle’, one Waterford teenager has reportedly survived in his home with no connection to the internet for almost 6 whole hours.

Answering to the name ‘David Gowan’, the 16-year-old was found in a distressed state yesterday evening, walking through a neighborhood holding his Samsung Galaxy above his head looking for a signal and muttering incoherently.

The emergency services were notified and David was brought to a nearby Starbucks and hooked up to their Wi-Fi immediately. It remains unclear as to how the teen was left without internet for such a long period of time, and a search has begun to find David’s parents, with fears that they may have other kids without even a single bar of coverage.

“David survived without access to any social media or video sharing sites for the better part of an afternoon,” said an amazed member of Waterford’s child protection services.

“No GIFs, no memes, no porn. It’s incredible to see him in such good condition, considering what he went through. There’s grown adults who can’t go without internet for that long, let alone teenagers.

~~~~~~

Do you remember before the internet that people though the cause of stupidity was the lack of access to information?  Yeah, it wasn’t that.

_______

Do regular dogs see police dogs and think “Oh no.  It’s a cop.”?

……….

It used to be only death and taxes.  Now, of course, there's shipping and handling, too.

And finally, a Dad Joke

A father wanted to prove that he's not just some boring house Dad so he went and got his first tattoo.

When he got home he excitedly showed it off to his wife and kids.

"Oh, cool! It's.. uhh?" his wife asked.

"It's my thermos! From work!" he replied proudly.

His daughter starts to reach out towards him and says, "Well, uh, the line work is certainly…"

Dad slaps her hand away and says, "Don't touch the thermos tat!"