Why did the JOW cross the road #806

I try to use a lot of different types of jokes, including some really hoary old ones – like ‘why did the chicken cross the road.’  The humor is based on the punchline being matter of fact instead of clever – it is funny precisely because it is not what you expect.  Okay, it is not really all that funny. But it is a genre and after all these years, it gets hard to come up with anything new.

So here are a few jokes that cross the line, or the road rather, followed by a few other non-chicken related jokes.

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Why did the chicken cross the playground?
To get to the other slide.

Why did the chicken cross the road?

Because he had warrants.

Why did the chicken cross the Mobius strip?

To get to the same side.

Why did the chicken lawyer cross the road?
To corrupt the other side.

Why did the chicken cross the road?

I dream of a day when chickens can cross the road without their motives being questioned.

Why did chicken called Jim Morrison cross the road?
To break on through to the other side

Why did the chicken cross the road?

To prove to the possum that it could be done!

Why did the cow cross the road?
To get to the udder side

Why did the duck cross the road?
To prove he wasn't chicken!

A duck started to cross the road when a chicken stopped him.

“Don’t do it man, you will never hear the end of it.

Why did the chicken cross the road?

To get to your house.

Knock, Knock

Who’s there?

The chicken you numbskull.

Some thoughts from Tom:

·         My goal for 2016 is to lose 10 pounds.  Only 15 to go.  Yes, he finished his 14-day diet in only 3 hours and 20 minutes.

·         We just went to Daylight Savings Time.  Don't forget to set your bathroom scale back 10 pounds. 

·         How to prepare Tofu:

1.  Throw it in the trash.

2.  Grill some Meat.

·         A recent study has found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it.

·         Kids today don't know how easy they have it.  When I was young, I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the TV channel.

·         I may not be that funny or athletic or good looking or smart or talented…. I forgot where I was going with this

Sign in a bar: If you are drinking to forget, please pay in advance

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> 

A man came to an interview for a circus.

The interviewer asks, “What do you do that is special?”

“I can imitate birds.”

“Look, sorry, but that is just not special enough for us.”

The man sighs and says, “Okay.  Thanks anyway.”  Then he opened the window and flew away.

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A preschool teacher was helping her little ones put on their coats and boots before they went out to play in the snow.  A little girl came over to her in tears.

“My boots are gone,” she wailed.

“There they are, over in the corner,” the teacher said pointing to her boots.

“Those are not mine!” she said stamping her foot.  “MINE HAS SNOW ON THEM!”           

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Two old high school girlfriends met at the ten year high school reunion.

“So how are you doing?” one asked the other.

“Fantastic!  My husband just bought me a new Mercedes sports car.”

“That’s nice.”

“And he got me a new 24 carat gold watch.”

 “That’s nice.”

“And he bought me a house on the beach for our romantic getaways.”

“That’s nice.”

“So I heard you just went through a messy divorce.  Did you get anything out of it?”

“Yes, I got enough money to go to Finishing School.”

“What did they teach you at Finishing School?”

“How to say ‘that’s nice’ instead of ‘go to hell.’”

$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$

A little old lady was walking down the street dragging two black garbage bags behind her.  A $20 bill escapes out of the top of one and falls to the sidewalk.  Noticing this, a policeman stops her and tells her she has lost a $20 bill.

“Oh, really? Darn,” says the little old lady.  “Thanks for telling me.”

“Wait a minute,” says the cop, “Just where did you get all that money?”

“Well, you see, officer, my back yard is right next to the football stadium parking lot.   On game days a lot of the fans come and pee through the gaps in fence onto my flower garden.  So I stand behind the fence with my hedge clippers.  Each time a man’s thing comes through my fence I say $20 or off it comes.”

The cop laughs, “That seems fair.  Oh, but what is in the other bag?
“Well, you know,” says the little old lady, “not everybody pays.”

Qotable Political JOW #805

I do believe that the real purpose of presidential elections is to give the 24 hour news stations something to talk about for the two years leading up to the election.  Once upon a time, bars were closed on Election Day.  I am sure that created conflicts when an election happened on St. Patrick’s Day.  Now, of course, with early voting you can easily have a few before going in to cast your ballot.  And with the current crop of candidates that will probably be a necessity. 

With that in mind here are a few (forwarded) quotes on politics and politicians followed by some various jokes.  Not that I did not mention Pi day (3-14-16)  I was too busy shoveling rocks to get the JOW out.

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If God wanted us to vote, he would have given us better candidates.     .............. ~Jay Leno~

The problem with political jokes is they get elected.         .......... ~Henry Cate, VII~ 

We hang the petty thieves and appoint the great ones to public office. ...  ~Aesop~

If we got one-tenth of what was promised to us in these State of the Union speeches, there wouldn't be any inducement to go to heaven.           .................  ~Will Rogers~

Politicians are the same all over. They promise to build a bridge even where there is no river.   ............................ ~Nikita  Khrushchev~

When I was a boy I was told that anybody could become President; I'm beginning to believe it.            ..............~Clarence Darrow~

Politicians are people who, when they see light at the end of the tunnel, go out and buy some more tunnel.              ......................~John Quinton~

Politics is the gentle art of getting votes from the poor and campaign funds from the rich, by promising to protect each from the other.                    .......................~Oscar Ameringer~

 I offer my opponents a bargain: if they will stop telling lies about us, I will stop telling the truth about them.     ...............................~Adlai Stevenson~

A politician is a person who will lay down your life for the country.     ..............~ Tex Guinan~

I have come to the conclusion that politics is too serious a matter to be left to the politicians.                        .............................~Charles de Gaulle~

Instead of giving a politician the keys to the city, it might be better to change the locks.
                                          .................................~Doug Larson~

There ought to be one day -- just one -- when there is open season on Congressmen   ....................................~Will Rogers

Everyone has a right to be stupid.  Politicians abuse the privilege. ………..…..~Richard Lopatt~

Two environmental investigators from the DA's office were discussing vacation plans. The female said that it might not be a good time for her male counterpart to take a vacation.

 "Why not?", he said.

"You remember how we always talk about some evil and ugly genetic monster emerging from all the contaminants in places like the Hudson River? Some uncontrollable mutant life-form that'll raise its horrible snout from the toxic muck and slime of New York., and terrify the entire nation with its wicked bellowing?"

"Yeah? her partner replied."

"It's happening. Trump is still leading in the polls".

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Death appeared to three sailors on the deck of their boat and offered them a challenge.

“I have come for you all.  But you may throw whatever you want over the side.  I will let it sink for one minute if I cannot bring it back to you within another minute you may live.

The first sailor threw a single hair of his head over the side.  A minute later Death dived in and quickly returned with the same hair.

The second sailor threw a needle into the sea.  A minute later Death went in and promptly returned with the needle.

The third sailor, however was saved.  He threw an Alka-Seltzer tablet into the water.

Here are two dog jokes from Dick.

The first begins with a dog walking into a telegram office.

 (This one takes place in the old days, when people sent telegrams.)

Dog: “I’d like to send a telegram. The message is, ‘Woof woof woof. Woof woof, woof woof, woof woof woof woof.’”

Clerk: “Sir, for the same price, you can add two more woofs.”

Dog: “But then it wouldn’t make any sense.”

……………………….

A guy goes to a psychiatrist and he says, “Doc you have to help me.  I feel like I’m a dog.”

 Very empathetically, the doctor asks, “How long have you felt this way?”

 The guy says, “Ever since I was a puppy!!!”

Some bits from Pat

It is not that hard to tell alligators and crocodiles apart.  One will see you later, the other will see you after a while.

Marriage – a relationship between two people where one is right and the other is the husband.

If you walk a mile in my shoes there is a good chance you will wind up in a bar.

Sign in a bar – We do not have WiFi.  Pretend it’s 1995 and actually talk to each other.

Exercise makes you look better naked, but then so does Tequila.  It’s your call.

There is no better karate instructor than a spider web in your face.

Some politically incorrect bits from comedians:

The real reason we can’t have the Ten Commandments in a courthouse is they include the commandments ‘Thou shall not steal’, Thou shall not commit adultery’, ‘Thou shalt not lie.’  In a building full of lawyers and politicians it would create a hostile work place. – George Carlin

“Some people say Jesus wasn’t Jewish. Of course he was Jewish. Thirty years old, single, lives with his parents — come on. He works in his father’s business, his mom thought he was God’s gift — he’s Jewish. Give it up!” RW

“Have you ever noticed that your ugliest friend is most afraid of being raped?” Natasha Leggero

“Women are constantly patting themselves on the back for how difficult their lives are and no one corrects them because they want to have sex with them.   Bill Burr

My school had ramps all over the place. It looked like Tony Hawk designed my school.” Russell Peters

“I’ll tell you why we make fun of midgets: We’re not afraid of them.” Sarah Silverman

“I don’t think Donald Trump needs a campaign; what he needs is a hug.” Jerry Seinfeld