I went to a listen to the symphony this week at a local venue. It is nice to hear the power of a really good full symphony from time to time. That got me thinking about musical jokes for the JOW, starting with an old pun.
A couple of enterprising bass players, unwilling to sit through a long, bass-less stretch of Beethoven's Ninth, sneaked off stage and into the bar next door. Beer flowed; time passed. "Look at the time! We have to get back!" said one.
"Relax," said his partner, "I tied the last few pages of the conductor's score together with string. It will take him a few minutes to untangle it." They staggered back into the hall and took their places. About this time, a member of the audience noted that the conductor was breaking a sweat.
"Of course," replied her companion, "It's the bottom of the Ninth, the score's tied, and the bassists are loaded!"
A quick musical one liner:
Kenny G walks into an elevator and says "wow, this music rocks!"
Here are a couple of heavenly musician jokes
Saint Peter is checking ID's at the Pearly Gates, and first comes a Texan.
"Tell me, what have you done in life?" says St. Peter.
The Texan says, "Well, I struck oil, so I became rich, but I didn't sit on my laurels--I divided all my money among my entire family in my will, so our descendants are all set for about three generations."
St. Peter says, "That's quite something. Come on in. Next!"
The second guy in line has been listening, so he says, "I struck it big in the stock market, but I didn't selfishly just provide for my own like that Texan guy. I donated five million to Save the Children."
"Wonderful!" says Saint Peter. "Come in. Who's next?"
The third guy has been listening, and says timidly with a downcast look, "Well, I only made five thousand dollars in my entire lifetime."
"Heavens!" says St. Peter. "What instrument did you play?"
………………………..
A jazz player dies and goes to heaven... (no that's not the joke)... Once he gets there, St. Peter points to where the heavenly jazz band. The guy goes there and sees all of the greats that ever lived... Charlie Parker, John Coltrane, Miles Davis, everybody! Duke Ellington was conducting the band.
"Duke, this is some kind of band! I mean, you've got everybody here! This is great!"
"Yeah,well," Duke replies, "it's okay."
The jazz player is shocked. "OK? This is the greatest band ever!"
Duke replied, "Yeah, the band's great. But see, God has this girlfriend, and she sings."
=======
Thinking of the jazz led me to the Blues.
=================
1. Most Blues begin, "Woke up this morning..."
2. "I got a good woman" is a bad way to begin the Blues, unless you stick something nasty in the next line like, "I got a good woman, with the meanest face in town."
3. The Blues is simple. After you get the first line right, repeat it. Then find something that rhymes... sort of: "Got a good woman with the meanest face in town. Yes, I got a good woman with the meanest face in town. Got teeth like Margaret Thatcher, and she weigh 500 pound."
4. The Blues is not about choice. You stuck in a ditch, you stuck in a ditch--ain't no way out.
5. Blues cars: Chevys, Fords, Cadillac’s and broken-down trucks. Blues don't travel in Volvos, BMWs, or Sport Utility Vehicles. Most Blues transportation is a Greyhound bus or a southbound train. Jet aircraft and company motor pools ain't even in the running. Walkin' plays a major part in the blues lifestyle. So does fixin' to die.
6. Adults sing the Blues. Teenagers can't sing the Blues. They ain't fixin' to die yet. In Blues, "adulthood" means being old enough to get the electric chair if you shoot a man in Memphis.
7. Blues can take place in New York City but not in Hawaii or any place in Canada. Hard times in Minneapolis or Seattle is probably just clinical depression. Chicago, St. Louis, and Kansas City are still the best places to have the Blues. You cannot have the blues in any place that don't get rain.
8. A man with male pattern baldness ain't the blues. A woman with male pattern baldness is. Breaking your leg cause you were skiing is not the blues. Breaking your leg 'cause a alligator be chompin' on it is.
9. You can't have no Blues in an office or a shopping mall. The lighting is wrong. Go outside to the parking lot or sit by the dumpster.
10. Good places for the Blues: a. Highway b. Jailhouse c. An empty bed d. Bottom of a whiskey glass
11. Bad places for the Blues: a. Nordstrom's b. Gallery openings c. Ivy league institutions d. Golf courses
12. No one will believe it's the Blues if you wear a suit, 'less you happen to be a old ethnic person, and you slept in it. 1
3. You have the right to sing the Blues if: a. You older than dirt b. You blind c. You shot a man in Memphis d. You can't be satisfied
14. You don't have the right to sing the Blues if: a. You have all your teeth b. You were once blind but now can see c. The man you shot in Memphis lived d. You have a pension fund
15. Blues is not a matter of color. It's a matter of bad luck. Tiger Woods cannot sing the blues. Sonny Liston could. Ugly white people also got a leg up on the blues.
16. If you ask for water and your darlin' give you gasoline, it's the Blues
17. Other acceptable Blues beverages are: a. cheap wine b. Whiskey or bourbon c. Muddy water d. Nasty black coffee
18. The following are NOT Blues beverages: a. Perrier b. Chardonnay c. Snapple d. Slim Fast
19. If death occurs in a cheap motel or a shotgun shack, it's a Blues death. Stabbed in the back by a jealous lover is another Blues way to die. So is the electric chair, substance abuse and dying lonely on a broke-down cot. You can't have a Blues death if you die during a tennis match or while getting liposuction.
20. Some Blues names for women: a. Sadie b. Big Mama c. Bessie d. Fat River Dumpling
21. Some Blues names for men: a. Joe b. Willie c. Little Willie d. Big Willie
22. Persons with names like Michelle, Amber, Debbie, and Heather can't sing the Blues no matter how many men they shoot in Memphis.
23. If you want to make your own Blues name here is a Starter Kit: a. name of physical infirmity (Blind, Cripple, Lame, etc.) b. first name (see above) plus name of fruit (Lemon, Lime, Melon, Kiwi, etc.) c. last name of President (Jefferson, Johnson, Fillmore, etc.) For example: Blind Lime Jefferson, Jackleg Lemon Johnson or Cripple Kiwi Fillmore, etc. (Well, maybe not "Kiwi.")
Thos. Pinney
Friday, April 30, 2010
Tuesday, April 20, 2010
In Passing JOW
I want to thank all of you for your many kind condolences after the passing of my old friend Khobar. Your many kind words, cards, and flowers (!) made it much easier for me to get over my loss. Thank you all from the bottom of my heart.
However, never being one to be too serious about any topic for long, I decided to address the usually taboo subject of death and funerals in the Joke of the Week. Here are half a dozen related jokes.
=============================
An old man and woman were married for years even though they hated each other. When they had a confrontation yelling could be heard deep into the night. A constant statement was heard by the neighbors who feared the man the most.
"When I die I will dig my way up and out of the grave to come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!" He would threaten at the top of his lungs.
They believed the old man practiced black magic. He was feared and enjoyed the respect it garnished. He died abruptly under strange circumstances and the funeral had a closed casket. After the burial, the wife went straight to the local bar and began to party as if there was no tomorrow.
Her neighbors approached in a group to ask these questions: ‘Are you not afraid? Concerned? Worried? This man practiced black magic swore that when he died he would dig his way up and out of the grave to come back and haunt you for the rest of your life?’
The wife put down her drink and smiled at her worried friends. . . "let the old man dig. I had him buried upside down."
====================
A MUSICIAN had given orders that when he died, his flute was to be buried with him.
"What did you think, madam:" a friend asked the widow.
"Well," she replied, "I thought it a blessing he didn't play the piano."
………………………………………………..
“I want you to spend at least $20,000 on my funeral,” the cranky old man demanded of his wife while on his deathbed. “I want a big ceremony, a fine casket, and a high quality memorial stone.”
“And I did,” the new widow assured her friends after he had passed, “$1,000 for the ceremony, $3,000 for the casket, $4,000 for the plot, and the rest for a memorial stone.”
“Goodness,” her friends said sympathetically, for her husband had been a mean, tight-fisted man. “That means you had to have spent $12,000 for the stone. How big is it?”
The widow smiled and extended her hand for display, "About three carats."
===========================
One evening my husband and I were talking about our wills. I asked him, if he should go first, what funeral arrangements he would like. He told me he wanted to be cremated and have his ashes scattered over Catalina Island.
"Why Catalina?" I asked.
"Why? Because I've never been there before."
-----------------------------------------------------
A husband and his wife were lying in bed one night and the subject or mortality came up.
“If I die, would you ever remarry?” she asked of her husband.
“Well, I suppose I would. Not for a while, of course, but I would probably remarry someday.”
This interested his wife. “Well, would you still live in this house?”
“I guess so. It is a good house and the note is almost paid off on it.”
Brief silence. Then: “Well, would you let her drive my car?”
“I suppose so; it is in pretty good shape. Why would I want a new one?”
Another silence as this was digested.
“Well,” she said with some mild indignation, “would you let her use my golf clubs?”
“Oh, no, she is left handed.”
Deep, prolonged silence.
==================================
An elderly man, 82, just returned from the doctors only to find he didn't have long to live. So he summoned the three most important people in his life to tell them of his fate: his doctor, his priest, and his lawyer.
“Well, today I found out I don't have long to live. So I have summoned you three here, because you are the most important people in my life, and I need to ask a favor. They say you can’t take it with you. I am going to prove everyone wrong. I am going to give each of you and envelope with $50,000 dollars cash. When I die, I want all three of you throw the money into my grave as it is being filled.
At the old man’s funeral each of the three men were seen to throw and envelope into the grave. Then the 3 men adjourned to a local bar to toast their departed friend. After a time the doctor had a confession,
"I have to admit I kept $10,000 dollars of the cash. He owed me on lots of medical bills. But, I threw the other $40,000 in as he requested."
The Priest said, "I have to admit also, I kept back $25,000 dollars cash for the church. It’s all going to a good cause. I did, however, throw the other $25,000 in the grave."
Well the Lawyer just couldn't believe what he was hearing! "I am surprised at you two taking advantage of him like that. I wrote him a personal check for the full amount and threw it in!!!"
However, never being one to be too serious about any topic for long, I decided to address the usually taboo subject of death and funerals in the Joke of the Week. Here are half a dozen related jokes.
=============================
An old man and woman were married for years even though they hated each other. When they had a confrontation yelling could be heard deep into the night. A constant statement was heard by the neighbors who feared the man the most.
"When I die I will dig my way up and out of the grave to come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!" He would threaten at the top of his lungs.
They believed the old man practiced black magic. He was feared and enjoyed the respect it garnished. He died abruptly under strange circumstances and the funeral had a closed casket. After the burial, the wife went straight to the local bar and began to party as if there was no tomorrow.
Her neighbors approached in a group to ask these questions: ‘Are you not afraid? Concerned? Worried? This man practiced black magic swore that when he died he would dig his way up and out of the grave to come back and haunt you for the rest of your life?’
The wife put down her drink and smiled at her worried friends. . . "let the old man dig. I had him buried upside down."
====================
A MUSICIAN had given orders that when he died, his flute was to be buried with him.
"What did you think, madam:" a friend asked the widow.
"Well," she replied, "I thought it a blessing he didn't play the piano."
………………………………………………..
“I want you to spend at least $20,000 on my funeral,” the cranky old man demanded of his wife while on his deathbed. “I want a big ceremony, a fine casket, and a high quality memorial stone.”
“And I did,” the new widow assured her friends after he had passed, “$1,000 for the ceremony, $3,000 for the casket, $4,000 for the plot, and the rest for a memorial stone.”
“Goodness,” her friends said sympathetically, for her husband had been a mean, tight-fisted man. “That means you had to have spent $12,000 for the stone. How big is it?”
The widow smiled and extended her hand for display, "About three carats."
===========================
One evening my husband and I were talking about our wills. I asked him, if he should go first, what funeral arrangements he would like. He told me he wanted to be cremated and have his ashes scattered over Catalina Island.
"Why Catalina?" I asked.
"Why? Because I've never been there before."
-----------------------------------------------------
A husband and his wife were lying in bed one night and the subject or mortality came up.
“If I die, would you ever remarry?” she asked of her husband.
“Well, I suppose I would. Not for a while, of course, but I would probably remarry someday.”
This interested his wife. “Well, would you still live in this house?”
“I guess so. It is a good house and the note is almost paid off on it.”
Brief silence. Then: “Well, would you let her drive my car?”
“I suppose so; it is in pretty good shape. Why would I want a new one?”
Another silence as this was digested.
“Well,” she said with some mild indignation, “would you let her use my golf clubs?”
“Oh, no, she is left handed.”
Deep, prolonged silence.
==================================
An elderly man, 82, just returned from the doctors only to find he didn't have long to live. So he summoned the three most important people in his life to tell them of his fate: his doctor, his priest, and his lawyer.
“Well, today I found out I don't have long to live. So I have summoned you three here, because you are the most important people in my life, and I need to ask a favor. They say you can’t take it with you. I am going to prove everyone wrong. I am going to give each of you and envelope with $50,000 dollars cash. When I die, I want all three of you throw the money into my grave as it is being filled.
At the old man’s funeral each of the three men were seen to throw and envelope into the grave. Then the 3 men adjourned to a local bar to toast their departed friend. After a time the doctor had a confession,
"I have to admit I kept $10,000 dollars of the cash. He owed me on lots of medical bills. But, I threw the other $40,000 in as he requested."
The Priest said, "I have to admit also, I kept back $25,000 dollars cash for the church. It’s all going to a good cause. I did, however, throw the other $25,000 in the grave."
Well the Lawyer just couldn't believe what he was hearing! "I am surprised at you two taking advantage of him like that. I wrote him a personal check for the full amount and threw it in!!!"
Tuesday, April 13, 2010
Dog Gone JOW
This is by far the hardest JOW I have ever done. The one where I announced I had a brain tumor and was facing life-threatening surgery was a snap by comparison. That was about something that was happening to me. This is about something that happened to my best friend: Khobar, our ten year old Saluki. He became so sick that we had to put him down this morning. As I loved him very much is a sad time, but it was also the right time for him to depart.
So far this JOW is entirely too maudlin for a supposed set of jokes. I will include a photograph of us running as well as some more vignettes about my late dog after the last joke so if you are not in a mood to hear about my late buddy you can skip the tribute.
Some quotes about dogs by some famously witty people.
"You think dogs will not be in heaven? I tell you, they will be there long before any of us."
Robert Louis Stevenson
"If there are no dogs in Heaven, then when I die I want to go where they went."
Will Rogers, 1897-1935
"The dog is a gentleman; I hope to go to his heaven, not man's."
Mark Twain, letter to WD Howells 1899
-------------------
To show that I can make jokes about most things, here is one I used a few months ago.
A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet and says "My dog is cross-eyed. Is there anything you can do for him?"
The vet says, "Well, let's have a look at him." So the vet picks the dog up while examining his eyes. Finally he says "I'm going to have to put him down."
"What? Just because he is cross-eyed?"
"No, because he is really, really heavy."
It was a slow day in heaven so God phoned Satan to see what was going on down there.
"It's slow here, too", said Satan
"Well," God said, "I think a dog show might be fun."
"Sounds good," says Satan, "But why are you calling me? You've got all the dogs up there."
"I know," answered God, "But you've got all the dog show judges."
Ways the U.S. Would Be Different If the Next President Were a Dog:
There would be a doggy door on oval office
At press conferences, instead of "Mr. President," reporters would shout, "Here fella!"
There would be toilet a bowl water scandals & sausage-gate
The Washington Monument would be replaced with hundred-story fire hydrant
U.S. might have more coherent foreign policy
The Top Ten Reasons Why a Dog Is Better than a Woman:
10. A dog's parents will never visit you.
9. A dog loves you when you leave your clothes on the floor.
8. A dog limits its time in the bathroom to a quick drink.
7. A dog never expects you to telephone.
6. A dog will not get mad at you if you forget its birthday.
5. A dog does not care about the previous dogs in your life.
4. A dog does not get mad at you if you pet another dog.
3. A dog never expects flowers on Valentine's Day.
2. The later you are, the happier a dog is to see you.
1. A dog does not shop.
Top Ten Reasons Why Dogs Are Better Than Men:
10. Dogs don't feel threatened by your intelligence.
9. Dogs are already in touch with their inner puppies.
8. Dogs are very direct about wanting to go out.
7. Dogs think you are a culinary genius.
6. You can house train a dog.
5. Dogs feel guilt when they've done something wrong.
4. Middle-aged dogs don't feel the need to abandon you for a younger owner.
3. Dogs mean it when they kiss you.
2. Dogs don't care whether or not you shave your legs.
1. Dogs obsess about you as much as you obsess about them.
=====================
Doggie Bumper Stickers:
Honk If You Love Hot Dogs!
If You Can Read This, You're Hanging Too Far Out Of The Window!
Vet is a 4-Letter Word!
I'd Rather Be Digging A Hole In The Back Yard!
Caution - Driver Drools Out The Window!
Dead Cats - We're For 'Em!
And finally a story that is entirely too close to home.
An old man and his dog were walking along a road with fences on both sides… The man was enjoying the walk when it suddenly came to him that he was dead. He remembered dying. His dog had been dead for years.
As they walked along they came to a beautiful gate with a person in white robes standing there. "Welcome to Heaven"
he said. The old man was happy and started in with his dog following him.
The gatekeeper stopped him. "Dogs aren't allowed; he can't come with you."
"What kind of Heaven won't allow dogs? If He can't come in, then I will stay out with him. He's been my faithful companion all his life, I can't desert him now."
"Suit yourself, but I have to warn you, the Devil's on this road and he'll try to sweet talk you
into his area, he'll promise you anything, but, the dog can't go there either. If you won't leave the dog, you'll spend Eternity on this road.”
The old man shook his head, turned and he and his dog went on down the road together.
A little while later they came to a rundown fence with a simple gate that looked as if had never been closed. Another old man was inside.
"Scuse me Sir, my dog and I are getting mighty tired, mind if we come in and sit in the shade for awhile?"
"Of course, there's some cold water under that tree over there. Make yourselves comfortable “
“You're sure my dog can come in?”
“The man down the road said dogs weren't allowed anywhere."
"Would you come in if you had to leave the dog?"
"No sir, that's why I didn't go to Heaven, he said the dog couldn't come in. We'll be spending
Eternity on this road, and a glass of cold water and some shade would be mighty fine right about now. But, I won't come in if my buddy here can't come too, and that's final."
The man smiled a big smile and said "Welcome to Heaven."
"You mean this is Heaven? Dogs ARE allowed? That is confusing; how come that fellow down the road said that was heaven, too?"
"That was the Devil and he gets all the people who are willing to give up a life-long companion for a comfortable place to stay. They soon find out their mistake, but then it's too late. We are just happy they screen out the folks who would just leave their best friend behind.”
===========================================
Some of my readers had the pleasure of meeting our big, regal white saluki, Al Khobar; he was a sweet and dignified animal. We got his as a puppy in early 2000, all long legs and soft coat. He soon grew to his full-Texas sized stature; some said he was the biggest Saluki in North America. Like all Salukis, Khobar loved to run and he was good at it. There are few things more graceful and lovely than a Saluki at speed. I have seen him catch ducks and geese on the wing. He could run faster than they could fly. He would come up on their rear quarter and leap into the air to snatch the bird right out of the air; an amazing sight. It was all catch and release for Khobar. This is the sound he made when he spit out a duck: “phutt”. Then he would preen to me about his running skills while the duck waddled off to hold an indignation meeting. After a year or so, all the waterfowl headed for ponds as soon as Khobar came in view: he was not so good at swimming. I would sometimes let him run free on a safe golf course. He would dash off the length of the hole, and then turn and come flying back passing close by like an animated motorcycle. I once measured his stride on a wet fairway. Four footprints, almost in a line, were spaced each about a foot or so apart, then there a prodigious bound of eight to nine feet to another grouping of four footprints. Khobar loved to go jogging; we ran many hundred miles together. He still holds the record at our local club with 55 Five Kilometer runs completed. Of course, he always took advantage of the lakes and ponds along the course. In the heat of summer he would usually go in for a refreshing dip, making him a Biathlete of sorts.
What he did best was lounge about looking elegant. As David R. once put it, ‘you would be in a room and then notice he had quietly drifted in. He wouldn’t bug you, he just wanted to provide company.’ It was rare for me to be in a room for five minutes without Khobar coming by to either make sure I was there, or to quietly join me ─ a discrete friendly presence.
Always a gentleman, he would greet visitors with typical reserve. Once he came to trust you he might bestow a special honor on you ─ to pass between your legs. As he was a very tall dog, his could be quite a thrill for shorter visitors. He was certainly the King Dog in the house, and he filled that role with royal grace.
Khobar had been in declining in vigor for some weeks. When he would not even go out for a walk we knew it was time to see the vet. Monday morning we took him in. He had become so weak that I had to help him in and out of the car. X-Rays revealed a dramatically enlarged heart and a number of serious associated health issues. I got medicine for him and brought him home. We knew that the prognosis was not good at all ─ he did not have long to live. He was a dog with literally too great a heart.
When we got home we tempted him into taking all his meds with some of his favorite treats; it did not last. Within an hour he has thrown them all up. After that he refused to eat anything at all. At one point late last night as I lay beside him he bumped me with his big head and gave me a look. The thought was as clear as if he had spoken ─“It is time for me to go, Boss.”
We took him in this morning. By now he was so weak I had to actually carry him ─ no easy task with an 85 pound dog. They did not keep us waiting long. Khobar passed out of this life painlessly, full of years, surrounded by the people who loved him. We should all be so lucky but I miss him terribly.
Nothing would be more joyous to me than, when my own time comes, God chooses to send a big white furry four-legged angel racing down to bring me home.
Thos. Pinney
So far this JOW is entirely too maudlin for a supposed set of jokes. I will include a photograph of us running as well as some more vignettes about my late dog after the last joke so if you are not in a mood to hear about my late buddy you can skip the tribute.
Some quotes about dogs by some famously witty people.
"You think dogs will not be in heaven? I tell you, they will be there long before any of us."
Robert Louis Stevenson
"If there are no dogs in Heaven, then when I die I want to go where they went."
Will Rogers, 1897-1935
"The dog is a gentleman; I hope to go to his heaven, not man's."
Mark Twain, letter to WD Howells 1899
-------------------
To show that I can make jokes about most things, here is one I used a few months ago.
A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet and says "My dog is cross-eyed. Is there anything you can do for him?"
The vet says, "Well, let's have a look at him." So the vet picks the dog up while examining his eyes. Finally he says "I'm going to have to put him down."
"What? Just because he is cross-eyed?"
"No, because he is really, really heavy."
It was a slow day in heaven so God phoned Satan to see what was going on down there.
"It's slow here, too", said Satan
"Well," God said, "I think a dog show might be fun."
"Sounds good," says Satan, "But why are you calling me? You've got all the dogs up there."
"I know," answered God, "But you've got all the dog show judges."
Ways the U.S. Would Be Different If the Next President Were a Dog:
There would be a doggy door on oval office
At press conferences, instead of "Mr. President," reporters would shout, "Here fella!"
There would be toilet a bowl water scandals & sausage-gate
The Washington Monument would be replaced with hundred-story fire hydrant
U.S. might have more coherent foreign policy
The Top Ten Reasons Why a Dog Is Better than a Woman:
10. A dog's parents will never visit you.
9. A dog loves you when you leave your clothes on the floor.
8. A dog limits its time in the bathroom to a quick drink.
7. A dog never expects you to telephone.
6. A dog will not get mad at you if you forget its birthday.
5. A dog does not care about the previous dogs in your life.
4. A dog does not get mad at you if you pet another dog.
3. A dog never expects flowers on Valentine's Day.
2. The later you are, the happier a dog is to see you.
1. A dog does not shop.
Top Ten Reasons Why Dogs Are Better Than Men:
10. Dogs don't feel threatened by your intelligence.
9. Dogs are already in touch with their inner puppies.
8. Dogs are very direct about wanting to go out.
7. Dogs think you are a culinary genius.
6. You can house train a dog.
5. Dogs feel guilt when they've done something wrong.
4. Middle-aged dogs don't feel the need to abandon you for a younger owner.
3. Dogs mean it when they kiss you.
2. Dogs don't care whether or not you shave your legs.
1. Dogs obsess about you as much as you obsess about them.
=====================
Doggie Bumper Stickers:
Honk If You Love Hot Dogs!
If You Can Read This, You're Hanging Too Far Out Of The Window!
Vet is a 4-Letter Word!
I'd Rather Be Digging A Hole In The Back Yard!
Caution - Driver Drools Out The Window!
Dead Cats - We're For 'Em!
And finally a story that is entirely too close to home.
An old man and his dog were walking along a road with fences on both sides… The man was enjoying the walk when it suddenly came to him that he was dead. He remembered dying. His dog had been dead for years.
As they walked along they came to a beautiful gate with a person in white robes standing there. "Welcome to Heaven"
he said. The old man was happy and started in with his dog following him.
The gatekeeper stopped him. "Dogs aren't allowed; he can't come with you."
"What kind of Heaven won't allow dogs? If He can't come in, then I will stay out with him. He's been my faithful companion all his life, I can't desert him now."
"Suit yourself, but I have to warn you, the Devil's on this road and he'll try to sweet talk you
into his area, he'll promise you anything, but, the dog can't go there either. If you won't leave the dog, you'll spend Eternity on this road.”
The old man shook his head, turned and he and his dog went on down the road together.
A little while later they came to a rundown fence with a simple gate that looked as if had never been closed. Another old man was inside.
"Scuse me Sir, my dog and I are getting mighty tired, mind if we come in and sit in the shade for awhile?"
"Of course, there's some cold water under that tree over there. Make yourselves comfortable “
“You're sure my dog can come in?”
“The man down the road said dogs weren't allowed anywhere."
"Would you come in if you had to leave the dog?"
"No sir, that's why I didn't go to Heaven, he said the dog couldn't come in. We'll be spending
Eternity on this road, and a glass of cold water and some shade would be mighty fine right about now. But, I won't come in if my buddy here can't come too, and that's final."
The man smiled a big smile and said "Welcome to Heaven."
"You mean this is Heaven? Dogs ARE allowed? That is confusing; how come that fellow down the road said that was heaven, too?"
"That was the Devil and he gets all the people who are willing to give up a life-long companion for a comfortable place to stay. They soon find out their mistake, but then it's too late. We are just happy they screen out the folks who would just leave their best friend behind.”
===========================================
Some of my readers had the pleasure of meeting our big, regal white saluki, Al Khobar; he was a sweet and dignified animal. We got his as a puppy in early 2000, all long legs and soft coat. He soon grew to his full-Texas sized stature; some said he was the biggest Saluki in North America. Like all Salukis, Khobar loved to run and he was good at it. There are few things more graceful and lovely than a Saluki at speed. I have seen him catch ducks and geese on the wing. He could run faster than they could fly. He would come up on their rear quarter and leap into the air to snatch the bird right out of the air; an amazing sight. It was all catch and release for Khobar. This is the sound he made when he spit out a duck: “phutt”. Then he would preen to me about his running skills while the duck waddled off to hold an indignation meeting. After a year or so, all the waterfowl headed for ponds as soon as Khobar came in view: he was not so good at swimming. I would sometimes let him run free on a safe golf course. He would dash off the length of the hole, and then turn and come flying back passing close by like an animated motorcycle. I once measured his stride on a wet fairway. Four footprints, almost in a line, were spaced each about a foot or so apart, then there a prodigious bound of eight to nine feet to another grouping of four footprints. Khobar loved to go jogging; we ran many hundred miles together. He still holds the record at our local club with 55 Five Kilometer runs completed. Of course, he always took advantage of the lakes and ponds along the course. In the heat of summer he would usually go in for a refreshing dip, making him a Biathlete of sorts.
What he did best was lounge about looking elegant. As David R. once put it, ‘you would be in a room and then notice he had quietly drifted in. He wouldn’t bug you, he just wanted to provide company.’ It was rare for me to be in a room for five minutes without Khobar coming by to either make sure I was there, or to quietly join me ─ a discrete friendly presence.
Always a gentleman, he would greet visitors with typical reserve. Once he came to trust you he might bestow a special honor on you ─ to pass between your legs. As he was a very tall dog, his could be quite a thrill for shorter visitors. He was certainly the King Dog in the house, and he filled that role with royal grace.
Khobar had been in declining in vigor for some weeks. When he would not even go out for a walk we knew it was time to see the vet. Monday morning we took him in. He had become so weak that I had to help him in and out of the car. X-Rays revealed a dramatically enlarged heart and a number of serious associated health issues. I got medicine for him and brought him home. We knew that the prognosis was not good at all ─ he did not have long to live. He was a dog with literally too great a heart.
When we got home we tempted him into taking all his meds with some of his favorite treats; it did not last. Within an hour he has thrown them all up. After that he refused to eat anything at all. At one point late last night as I lay beside him he bumped me with his big head and gave me a look. The thought was as clear as if he had spoken ─“It is time for me to go, Boss.”
We took him in this morning. By now he was so weak I had to actually carry him ─ no easy task with an 85 pound dog. They did not keep us waiting long. Khobar passed out of this life painlessly, full of years, surrounded by the people who loved him. We should all be so lucky but I miss him terribly.
Nothing would be more joyous to me than, when my own time comes, God chooses to send a big white furry four-legged angel racing down to bring me home.
Thos. Pinney
Tuesday, April 6, 2010
Sporty JOW #503
What with various basketball and golf tournaments going on as well as Opening Day for Baseball, my mind has turned to sports. Here are a few sports-related jokes for your amusement.
I used to try to play golf. Because words are important to me I wondered if the word for a stroke taken on the green was spelled P-U-T or P-U-T-T. P-U-T-T is correct. P-U-T means to place a thing where you want it. P-U-T-T means a vain attempt to do the same thing.
I will start with a true story about truth in advertising.
Nike has a television commercial for hiking shoes that was shot in Kenya using Samburu tribesmen. The camera closes in on the one tribesman who speaks, in native Maa. As he speaks, the Nike slogan "Just Do It" appears in the screen. Lee Cronk, an anthropologist at the University of Cincinnati, says the Kenyan is really saying, "I don't want these. Give me big shoes."
Nike's Elizabeth Dolan admitted, "We thought nobody in America would know what he said." -from an article in Forbes Magazine
March Madness, is behind us, unless you refer to the time you spend doing your income taxes. I thought a few basketball jokes would be appropriate.
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"He's great on the court, but how's his scholastic work?" asked sportswriter of a college basketball player in a interview.
"Why, he makes straight A's," replied the coach.
"Wonderful!" said the sportswriter.
"Yes," agreed the coach, "but his B's are a little crooked."
-L.A. Lakers Elden Campbell was asked if he earned a degree at Clemson University, “No”, he replied “but they gave one to me anyway.”
-------------
A true Bobby Knight story: In the 1980 Olympics, the U.S. basketball team, coached by Knight, played and beat the Chinese team handily. When asked about the win, Bobby with typical sensitivity said, "It was a lot of fun playing the Chinese, but an hour later, we wanted to play them again."
------------
As two referees walked through the countryside, they noticed some tracks.
First said, “Are those deer tracks?”
Second said “No, I think they are bear tracks.”
The conversation ended abruptly when a train hit them.
----------
Sometimes I play old guy pickup basketball games. We don't have jump balls. The ref just puts the ball on the floor and whoever can bend over and pick it up gets possession.
In honor of the Masters Golf Tournament here are a couple of golf jokes
A wife was getting tired of her husband golfing every Saturday, so she decided to go with him to see what the attraction was.
His first drive of the day went into the rough,; his second shot bounced across the fairway into the lake. After retrieving his ball, his third shot wasn't any better. It went back across the fairway into the rough again.
After taking several more shots to finally reach the green, he turned to his wife and said,
"And you thought I was having coming out here to enjoy myself."
-------
An here is old guy golf joke in honor of my late dad.
An Octogenarian moved to a new town and joined the local Country Club. He went to the Club for the first time to play but was told everyone scheduled to play was already out on the course. He was so disappointed, the Assistant Pro said he would play with him and would give him a 12 stroke handicap.
The 80 year old said "I really don't need a handicap. The only real problem I have is getting out of sand traps."
On the very first hole, the old fellow’s ball landed in one of the two sand traps around the hole. Shooting from the sand trap, he hit a high ball which landed on the green and rolled right into the hole!
The Assistant Pro was stunned. "Nice shot, but I thought you said you have a problem getting out of sand traps."
"I do,” replied the octogenarian."Give me a hand."
I used to try to play golf. Because words are important to me I wondered if the word for a stroke taken on the green was spelled P-U-T or P-U-T-T. P-U-T-T is correct. P-U-T means to place a thing where you want it. P-U-T-T means a vain attempt to do the same thing.
I will start with a true story about truth in advertising.
Nike has a television commercial for hiking shoes that was shot in Kenya using Samburu tribesmen. The camera closes in on the one tribesman who speaks, in native Maa. As he speaks, the Nike slogan "Just Do It" appears in the screen. Lee Cronk, an anthropologist at the University of Cincinnati, says the Kenyan is really saying, "I don't want these. Give me big shoes."
Nike's Elizabeth Dolan admitted, "We thought nobody in America would know what he said." -from an article in Forbes Magazine
March Madness, is behind us, unless you refer to the time you spend doing your income taxes. I thought a few basketball jokes would be appropriate.
---------
"He's great on the court, but how's his scholastic work?" asked sportswriter of a college basketball player in a interview.
"Why, he makes straight A's," replied the coach.
"Wonderful!" said the sportswriter.
"Yes," agreed the coach, "but his B's are a little crooked."
-L.A. Lakers Elden Campbell was asked if he earned a degree at Clemson University, “No”, he replied “but they gave one to me anyway.”
-------------
A true Bobby Knight story: In the 1980 Olympics, the U.S. basketball team, coached by Knight, played and beat the Chinese team handily. When asked about the win, Bobby with typical sensitivity said, "It was a lot of fun playing the Chinese, but an hour later, we wanted to play them again."
------------
As two referees walked through the countryside, they noticed some tracks.
First said, “Are those deer tracks?”
Second said “No, I think they are bear tracks.”
The conversation ended abruptly when a train hit them.
----------
Sometimes I play old guy pickup basketball games. We don't have jump balls. The ref just puts the ball on the floor and whoever can bend over and pick it up gets possession.
In honor of the Masters Golf Tournament here are a couple of golf jokes
A wife was getting tired of her husband golfing every Saturday, so she decided to go with him to see what the attraction was.
His first drive of the day went into the rough,; his second shot bounced across the fairway into the lake. After retrieving his ball, his third shot wasn't any better. It went back across the fairway into the rough again.
After taking several more shots to finally reach the green, he turned to his wife and said,
"And you thought I was having coming out here to enjoy myself."
-------
An here is old guy golf joke in honor of my late dad.
An Octogenarian moved to a new town and joined the local Country Club. He went to the Club for the first time to play but was told everyone scheduled to play was already out on the course. He was so disappointed, the Assistant Pro said he would play with him and would give him a 12 stroke handicap.
The 80 year old said "I really don't need a handicap. The only real problem I have is getting out of sand traps."
On the very first hole, the old fellow’s ball landed in one of the two sand traps around the hole. Shooting from the sand trap, he hit a high ball which landed on the green and rolled right into the hole!
The Assistant Pro was stunned. "Nice shot, but I thought you said you have a problem getting out of sand traps."
"I do,” replied the octogenarian."Give me a hand."
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