The city of Houston instituted a program allowing people and groups to take ownership of drains, much like some places do with stretches of highway. In return for keeping the drain clear the people got to name ‘their’ drain. Alas, the program faltered when many of the names suggested were obscene (well beyond the boundaries of JOW decency). I wish I could pass them on because they are often hilarious. I start with a few drain names that passed the censors before shifting to more typical jokes.
- How to Drain Your Dragon
- Drain "The Rock" Johnson
- I Can't Believe its not Gutter
- I bless the drains down in Africa
- Pennywise's Lair
- Pinky and the Drain
- Midnight Drain To Georgia
- Sewert Little
- Grate Expectations
- The Downward Spiral
- Purple Drain
- Your tax dollars
- My hopes and dreams
- Sir Drains a Lot
- Thomas, the thirsty trench
- Drainey McDrainface
- The Grate Gatsby
Some short jokes.
A mandate is not a
law. It’s when two men go out to dinner.
For most people, when you
lose your ‘khakis’ you’ve lost your pants.
In Boston it means you can’t start your car
People who ask me what I’m
doing tomorrow probably assume I even know what day of the week it is.
Make a decision. There are millions of dead squirrels in the
road who couldn’t make up their minds.
Some call it
multi-tasking. I call it doing something
else while I try to remember what I was doing in the first place.
A new respectful term for
senior women: Queen-agers.
I need a life alert
bracelet to notify me if I ever get a life.
I used to sell home alarm
systems door to door. I was really good
at it. If no one was home I would leave
a brochure on the kitchen table.
Coffee is essential for
survival. Dinosaurs didn’t have coffee
and look how that turned out.
Surround yourself with
people who have some issues. Because people
with issues usually also have alcohol to share.
Tonight I will be having
my favorite drink. It’s called ‘A Lot’.
If at first you don’t
succeed, drink whiskey. You’ll be amazed
how little you care.
I just fired myself from
cleaning the house. I don’t like my
attitude and I got caught drinking on the job.
I have been
wondering: Is an opossum just an Irish
possum?
Why is Elon musk a true
Edison of our time?
He, too, found a way to
make money out of Nicolai Tesla after Tesla was dead.
Some longer jokes
Vladimir Putin consulted
with a fortune teller. He asked:
"How long will I
live?"
The psychic replied:
"I cannot tell that but I do know you will die on a Ukrainian
holiday."
"Which holiday?" Putin asked.
"Whichever day you die will be a Ukrainian holiday."
The wife and I took a
long, leisurely drive out to the country and pulled over to fill up our car's
gas tank and tires... She was surprised to see that the station had a fee to
fill the tires and asked me, "Why in the world do they charge for AIR?!"
I responded, "Inflation."
Paddy had long heard the
stories of an amazing family tradition...
It seems that his father,
grandfather and great-grandfather had all been able to walk on water on their
18th birthday.
On that special day, they'd each walked across the lake to the pub on the far
side for their first legal drink.
So when Paddy's 18th birthday came 'round, he and his pal Mick, took a boat out
to the middle of the lake, Paddy, stepped out of the boat ... and nearly
drowned! Mick just barely managed to pull him to safety. Furious and confused,
Paddy went to see his grandmother.
"Grandma," he asked, "It's my 18th birthday, so why can't I walk
'cross the lake like my father, his father, and his father before him?"
Granny looked deeply into Paddy's, troubled brown eyes and said,
"Because you were born in August, but your father, your grandfather and
your great grandfather were all born in December, when the lake is frozen, you
great idiot."
A Catholic boy and a
Baptist boy were having a discussion about prayer.
“We Baptists pray straight
to God,” stated the Baptist boy. “How
about you?”
“Well,” replied the
Catholic boy, “We pray to the priest. Then he prays to the Bishop, he prays to the
Cardinal, and the Cardinal prays to the Pope.
I guess the Pope is the one who prays directly to God.”
“So,” said the puzzled
Baptist boy, “I guess that makes the Pope a Baptist.”
Finally, an instructive
joke
In the early days, metal
containers were the cheapest and easiest to make, so almost all food was stored
in cans. Tin was a particularly soft and easy to mold/shape, and didn’t rust
like other options, so most preserved food cans were made of tin.
Things went great for a while, with some foods easily being shipped to places
they previously wouldn’t have survived due to long journeys, and families could
store food to eat when it wasn’t available fresh.
However, reports of illness around certain foods started to become prevalent.
Pickled foods would frequently “go bad” much sooner than other canned foods,
and even though the food tasted the same, people would report illness very soon
after eating older pickled products. After years of analyzing) samples of
purportedly problematic pickles, scientists finally concluded the preserved
foods themselves were fine—it was the cans that were the problem!
They discovered certain food solutions—like pickle brine—could “leach” harmful
chemicals from tin, much faster than non-brined foods. As an experiment, they
started un-canning recently preserved pickles and putting pickled food in glass
containers instead of tin. Jarred pickles tasted exactly the same and were
preserved just as well as their canned counterparts, but nobody got sick!
In the end, the conclusion was uncanny and jarring.
