Electile Dysfunction JOW #811

I am suffering from what Tom calls Electile Dysfunction – the inability to get excited about any of the candidates.  For decades politicians spend uncounted millions of dollars telling us that their opponents are awful, terrible people.  And we believe them: we now think that all politicians are assholes.  And look at the candidates we have this cycle: we have the ultimate political insider whom most Americans view as a slippery, untrustworthy, opportunistic nasty lawyer; a kindly but weird Jewish grandfather who is an avowed Socialist, a governor who has apparently had a charisma bypass operation, a desperately unlikeable wannabe rightwing Ayatollah, and a bombastic, monomaniacal, narcissistic, game show host.  Okay, I apologize; Homer J Trump was not a game show host.  There are many fine and respectable game show hosts who would object to being compared to The Donald.  Trump was a Reality Show Host – you know, like the Kardashians or Honey Boo Boo.  That somehow qualifies him to be the Commander in Chief.

Enough with my political rant.  I have a few jokes – most of which are not political – that you may find amusing.

Famous people answer the eternal question: Why did the chicken cross the road?

DONALD TRUMP: We will build a big wall to keep illegal chickens from crossing the road. We will have a door for legal chickens.

 JOHN KERRY: We will trust the chicken to tell us whether it crossed the road or not.

RAND PAUL: It's none of our business why the chicken crossed the road.

NANCY PELOSI: We will have to wait until the chicken crosses the road to see what it says.

 TED CRUZ: Hillary Clinton lied about why the chicken crossed the road.

BRIAN WILLIAMS: I crossed the road with the chicken.

BEN CARSON: This isn't brain surgery. To look for pyramids... it wanted grain.

SARAH PALIN: The chicken crossed the road because, gosh-darn it, he's a maverick!

BARACK OBAMA: Let me be perfectly clear, if the chickens like their eggs they can keep their eggs. No chicken will be required to cross the road to surrender her eggs. Period.

HILLARY CLINTON: What difference at this point does it make why the chicken crossed the road?

GEORGE W. BUSH: We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road or not.

The chicken is either with us or against us. There is no middle ground here.

 BILL CLINTON: I did not cross the road with that chicken.

 BERNIE SANDERS: That little chicken will pay 80% income taxes no matter what side of the road it's on. He's got to help finance free college even for those that just want a four year vacation.

 AL SHARPTON: Why are all the chickens white?

GEORGE CLOONEY:  I will renounce my U.S. citizenship and move to France if that chicken that crossed the road is elected President.

 COL SANDERS: What! I missed one?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

On an icy, bitter-cold day, Hank visited Lou.

“I had a rough time getting here,” said Hank. “For every step forward, I slipped back two.”

“If you slid back two steps for every one you took forward, how’d you get here?” asked Lou.

“I almost didn’t. But then I said to myself, forget it. So I turned around and started home.”

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The south is big into fishing.  I recently saw a casket arriving at a cemetery carried not in a hearse, but on top of a fishing boat.  Curious I went over to one of the mourners who was watching as the casket was lifted down from the boat by the pall bearers and carried over to the grave.

“He must have been a really dedicated fisherman,” I said to the mourner.

“Oh, he still is,” the man replied.  “He’s going fishing right after his wife’s funeral is over.”

A little boy was crying in a big mall.  A friendly cop come up to him and knelt down.

“What’s the matter little boy?”

“I can’t find my daddy,” the tyke replied.

What’s your daddy like little boy?

“Beer, football, and women.”

*****************

NASA in an attempt to stimulate interest in the space program again is proposing to launch some cattle into a single low earth orbit.

They are calling the project the “Shot herd around the world.”

____________________

Two vampire bats were hungry but the sun was almost up.  One decided to wait until the next night, but the other decided to fly out to look for food.

An hour later he came back with his face covered in blood.  The first bat is impressed.

“Where did you get all that blood?” Bat one asked.

“Follow me, I’ll show you.”

The two fly out to the outskirts of the city.

“Do you see that tall building behind the trees?” the bloody bat asks.

“Yes.”

“Good for you, because I didn’t.”

++++++++++++++++++++++++

A man walks into a bar and orders a whisky.

Just as he is taking his first sip a guy runs into the bar and shouts, “John, your house is on fire!”

So he runs outside but then realizes – ‘Hey, I don’t have a house.’

He goes back in the bar and takes another sip of his whiskey.

Another guys runs into the bar and hollers, “John, your brother is in a fight outside.”

So he puts down his whiskey again and runs outside.  But then he realizes, ‘Hey, I don’t have a brother.’

He has almost finished his whiskey when yet another guy runs into the bar and yells, “John, you have just won the lottery!”

He puts down his glass and runs over the the lottery story when suddenly he realizes – ‘Hey, my name is not John.’

Patient Doctor JOW #810

There has been a lot of rain here in the greater Houston area with the typical flooding and street closures.  All the weather did not affect my commute: from the bedroom to the kitchen and then up to my office.  Retirement does not suck.  First, I must share a startling bit of pre-history.  I just watched an old episode – made in 2000 – of the Simpson.  In this one, they flashed forward to where Lisa was the President of the US.  Here are two bits of startling dialog.

Lisa –“I am proud to be the first straight woman to be elected president.”

And a few lines later she asks about the economy. 

“Well, the Trump administration left us pretty much broke.”

(It was season 11, episode 17)

Which reminds me of two other Simpson quotes:

“I never apologize.  I am sorry, that is just the way I am.”

“Here’s to alcohol, the cause of, and solution for all our problems.”

====================

However my theme is the relationship between medicos and their patients.  I was going to have a construction joke but I'm still working on it....

The old man went to the pharmacy and asked to speak to the pharmacist on duty.  He carefully set a little brown bottle and a tea spoon on the counter.  The pharmacist came over and asked if he could help the man.

“Yes, can you please taste this for me?”

Seeing a senior citizen the Pharmacist went along.  He took the spoon and put a little of the liquid on his tongue and swirled it around in his mouth.  Immediately he got a terrible look on his face and spit it out.

Before he could regain his composure the old man asked, “Now does that taste sweet to you?”

“No!” he replied, “it tasted awful.”

“Oh, good.  That is a relief.  My doctor told me to have a pharmacist test my urine for sugar.

++++++++++++++++

Patty goes in to see the Doctor about some general malaise. After twenty minutes of thorough examinations the Doctor relents, "Patty, I am sorry but I just can't seem to figure out what is wrong you. I think it could be the drink."

Patty, "Ah don't worry about it Doc, sure I'll come back when you're sober."

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

Patient: Doctor, Doctor, I broke my arm in two places! Doctor: Stay out of them places!

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Aunt Lavinia hasn't been feeling well for the past couple of weeks so we called the doctor. As it turned out, the community paramedic came out to the old farm house to see her. When he was done, he asked for a glass of water from our old fashioned well.   So we steered him out to the well complete with a stone rim and bucket. The medic was leaning over a little too far, and fell into the well.

I pulled him out and told him to treat the sick, and leave the well alone.

Here is one I can relate to:

Patient: Doctor, you must help me. I'm under such a lot of stress, I keep losing my temper with people.

Doctor: Tell me about your problem.

Patient: I just did, didn't I, you stupid SOB! 

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An old man went to the doctor complaining of a pain in his right leg.

“I am afraid it is just old age,” the doctor told him. “There is nothing I can do about it.”

“That can’t be right,” fumed the old man, “you don’t know what you are talking about.”

“Why do you think that.”

“Because my other leg is the same age and it is fine.”

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> 

Childhood fear – getting a shot from a doctor

Adult fear – getting a bill from a doctor

Childhood joy – getting birthday presents

Adult joy – getting birthday notifications on Facebook

Childhood joy – Eating at McDonald’s

Adult despair – Eating at McDonald’s

Childhood joy – Oh, boy!  I can stay up late.

Adulthood despair– Oh, damn!  I have to stay up late.

,,,,,,,,,,
St. Peter is very busy in Heaven, so he leaves a sign by the Pearly Gates:
"For Service Ring Bell."

Away he goes; he barely gets started when BING! the bell rings. He rushes back to the gates, but no one's there.  St. Peter goes back to work when suddenly BING! the bell rings again. He rushes back to the gates, but no one's there. A little annoyed, St. Peter goes back to work.

Suddenly, BING! the bell rings again. St. Peter goes back; again, no one's there, and he's now really, really irritated.

"Okay, that's it," he says. "I'm going to hide and watch to see what's going on." So St. Peter hides, and a moment later, a little old man walks up and rings the bell.

St. Peter jumps out and yells, "Aha! Are you the guy who keeps ringing the bell?"

"Yes, that's me," the little old man says.

"Well, why do you keep ringing the bell and going away?" St. Peter asks.

"They keep resuscitating me."

<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<< 

Pat says he buys all his guns from a guy known as T-Rex.   

He is a small arms dealer.

~~~~~~~~~~~

A blonde decided to make her password as: SneezyDopeySleepyGrumpyHappyBashfullDocSacramento.

“Why such a long password?” she was asked by the administrator.

“You said I needed seven characters and a capitol.”

……………………..

A weeping woman bursts into her hypnotherapist’s office and declares, “Doctor, I have been faithful to my husband for 15 years, but yesterday 
I broke that trust and had an affair! The guilt is killing me. I just want to forget that it ever happened!”

The hypnotherapist shakes his head. “Not again …”

And finally, a touching medical story with a moral.

A small boy named Mike lived in a tiny Irish village.  All his classmates hated him for his stupidity especially his teacher who would yell, “You’re driving me crazy, Mike.”

One day his mother went to check on how he was doing at school.  Her teacher told her that her son was getting very low marks because he was so dumb.  His mother could not accept such feedback and took her son out of the school and moved to a nearby city.

Twenty five years later that teacher developed cardiac disease.  The doctors told her only one doctor in the city could perform the delicate surgery she required. 

Left with no other choice she went for it.  The surgery was successful.  And when she opened her eyes after the operation she saw a handsome doctor staring at her with caring concern.  Suddenly she jerked upright and tried to raise her hand and tell the doctor something.  But it was all in vain. 

She died trying to tell that wonderful doctor that her dumb old student Mike who was working as a janitor in the hospital had just unplugged her ventilator to connect the buffer he was using.

And the moral is:

And if you were thinking that Mike had become the doctor, you have been watching way too many soap operas.