Hunting for a JOW #731

I had the opportunity to do some dove hunting last weekend.  I do enjoy hunting those sneaky little birds that seem to manifest out of the clear air and then come sweeping around in high speed arcs.  So my jokes this week focus on hunting.

I will probably not be providing you with jokes next week as my friend David and I are going backpacking in the Colorado Rockies.

First, here is a riddle for you - Two fathers and two sons went dove hunting. Each shot a dove but they shot only three doves in all. How?  The answer is at the end of the jokes.

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 Tom and Charlie were on a hunting trip. At nightfall, Tom complained, 'We've been hunting all day. We've shot at ten dove and not hit one!'

'OK, ‘Charlie replied, ‘Let's miss two more and then head back to camp'.

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What's the difference between a hunter and a fisherman?

A hunter lies in wait. A fisherman waits and lies.

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An avid duck hunter was in the market for a new bird dog. His search ended when he found a dog that could actually walk on water to retrieve a duck. Shocked by his find, he was sure none of his friends would ever believe him. He decided to try to break the news to a friend of his, the eternal pessimist who refused to be impressed with anything. This, surely, would impress him. He invited him to hunt with him and his new dog. As they waited by the shore, a flock of ducks flew by. They fired, and a duck fell. The dog responded and jumped into the water. The dog, however, did not sink but instead walked across the water to retrieve the bird, never getting more than his paws wet. This continued all day long; each time a duck fell, the dog walked across the surface of the water to retrieve it. The pessimist watched carefully, saw everything, but did not say a single word. On the drive home the hunter asked his friend, "Did you notice anything unusual about my new dog?"

"I sure did," responded the pessimist. "He can't swim."

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> 

·         What do you get if you cross a telephone with a hunting dog? A golden receiver!

·         What is the best way to hunt bear? With your clothes off.

Sales rep and a project engineer went bear hunting.

“You stay here,” the sales rep said “and I will get you a bear to skin.”

The project engineer stayed in the cabin sharpening his skinning knife and waiting by the big table inside.   

Soon enough he heard and enormous roaring; the sales rep flung the door open and dashed inside with a bear in hot pursuit.  The sales guy rounded the table and flew out the door, slamming it closed on the pursuing bear while calling out to the engineer;  

"You skin this one while I go and get another!"

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Commissioned by a zoo to bring them some baboons, the big game hunter devised a novel scheme to trap them - his only requirements being a sack, a gun, and a particularly vicious and bad tempered dog. Once in the jungle he explained to his assistant, "I'll climb this tree and shake the branches; if there are any baboons up there, they will fall to the ground - and the dogs will bite their crotch and immobilize them so that you can pick them up quite safely and put them in the sack."

"But what do I need the gun for?" asked the assistant.

"If I should fall out of the tree by mistake, shoot the dog."

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> 

The church service coincided with the last day of hunting season. Our pastor asked who had bagged a deer. No one raised a hand. Puzzled, the pastor said, "I don't get it. Last Sunday many of you said you were unable to make our service because of hunting season. I had the whole congregation pray for your deer."

One hunter groaned, "Well, it worked. They're all safe."

………………………

Some men go on a hunting trip and separate into pairs. That evening one hunter, Sam, returned to camp alone toting a 12 point buck. "Where's George?" one of the men asked, noticing that Sam had returned alone. "He's about two miles back. He tripped and broke his ankle. I left him there 'cause I figured ain't nobody 'bout to steal him."

+++++++++++++++++

The big game hunter was showing his friends his hunting trophies. Drawing their attention to a lion skin rug on the floor he said, "I shot this fellow in Africa. Didn't want to kill such a magnificent beast, of course, but it was either him or me."

"Well," said a guest, "he certainly makes a much better rug than you would!"

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Craig and James went hunting. Craig saw a dove fly by. He raised his shotgun to shoot.

'Don't waste your time,' James hollered. ‘Your shotgun is not loaded.'

'I can't wait,' Craig shouted back. 'The bird will be gone if I take the time to load!'

Answer to the riddle - The hunters were a man, his son and his grandson.

Aggie JOW #730

I had the opportunity to attend a Texas A&M football game at Kyle Stadium.  It was a wonderful experience to feel the tremendous college spirit of the students and alumni.  For those who are not from Texas it should be noted that there are two BIG state schools in Texas and thus there is a feud of almost Scottish intensity between them.  The University in Texas in Austin has always looked down upon the Agricultural and Mechanical school located in the hinterlands of College Station.  Aggies for their part feel that the Longhorns are effete dilatants and possibly even ‘liberal’ – a deadly insult in the state of Texas.  The UT/A&M rivalry ranks right up there with Duke/NC, and Auburn/Alabama for duration and depth of feeling.  Just as Virginia Tech considers students from the University of Virginia to be somewhat dim, Longhorns think Aggies are charmingly dumb; which is of course not true in the case of Texas A&M.

At any rate there are many, many jokes about dumb Aggies.  I offer a few of them to you this week as my Jokes of the Week.

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An Aggie and a Longhorn are caught by a jungle tribe and sentenced to death.  They are told that they will each have one last request.  The Aggie thinks and says, "I want to hear the A&M Fight Song just one more time."  The tribe agrees and asks the Longhorn what his last request is.  

He replies with only three words, "Kill me first."

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An Aggie student was visiting a Yankee relative in Boston over the holidays. He went to a large party and met a pretty coed. He was attempted to start up a conversation with the tired line "Where do y'all go to school?" The coed was not overly impressed with his grammar or southern drawl but did answer his question. "Yale," she replied.
The Aggie student took a big, deep breath and shouted, "WHERE DO Y'ALL GO TO SCHOOL?"

It is always standard to insult the appearance of the other team’s cheerleaders.  However, since A&M has male ‘Yell Leaders’ I am not sure these jokes apply. 

Q: Why do Aggie cheerleaders wear bibs?
A: To keep the tobacco juice off their uniforms.

Q: What do you get when you put 32 Aggie cheerleaders in the same room?
A: A full set of teeth.

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An Aggie got a job at an east Texas saw mill. Just before lunch on his first day, he lost a finger. When asked how he lost it, he replied, "I just touched this big spinning thing here like thi...Damn! There goes another one!"

………………………………………………

A lucky Aggie won the Texas Lottery. When he went to collect his money they told him he wouldn't get it in one lump sum and that it would be spread over 20 years. The indignant Aggie demanded that they give him his dollar back.

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At the end of the night, the Aggie turns to his girlfriend (a UT coed) and asked her, "Why is it every time I go out with you, I end up spending two hundred dollars?"
            And she says, "Because I'm a prostitute."

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·         Did you hear about the Aggie terrorist who tried to blow up the Longhorn team bus.?

He burned his lip on the tailpipe.

·         How many Aggies does it take to screw in a light bulb?
            Only one, but he gets 3 hours credit.

·         Ice is no longer available in the drinks at the cafeterias at A&M.
            The senior who knew the recipe graduated.

·         Why can't Aggies field an ice-hockey team?
            Everyone drowns in spring training.

·         Why can't Aggie farmers raise chickens?
            They plant the eggs too deep.

Another agricultural joke:

An Aggie decides to raise chickens. So, he goes to the feed store and buys some chicks. He takes the chicks home, and plants them with their heads sticking up. He waters them, but they die. He goes back to the feed store and tells the proprietor that he bought defective chicks, and gets another set. This time he plants them with their heads sticking down. He waters them, but they die. He then sends a letter to his Alma Mater, describing the problem.

They send a letter back asking for a soil sample.

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A visiting professor at Texas A&M University is giving a seminar on the supernatural.  To get a feel for his audience, he asks: "How many people here believe in ghosts?"  About 90 students raise their hands.
"Well that's a good start. Out of those of you who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you've ever seen a ghost?" About 40 students raise their hands.
"That's really good. I'm really glad you take this seriously. Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost?" 15 students raise their hands. "That's a great response. Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?" 3 students raise their hands.  "That's fantastic."
"But let me ask you one question further...Have any of you ever made love to a ghost?"

One student in the back raises his hand. The professor is astonished.  He takes off his glasses, takes a step back, and says, "Son, all the years I've been giving this lecture, no one has ever claimed to have slept with a ghost.  You've got to come up here and tell us about your experience." 
The redneck student replies with a nod and a grin, and begins to make his way up to the podium.
The professor says, "Well, tell us what it's like to have sex with a ghost."
The student replies, "Ghost? Damn... From back there I thought you said 'goats'."

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

A woman hired a contractor to repaint the interior of her house. The woman walked the man through the second floor of her home and told him what colors she wanted for each room.
As they walked through the first room, the woman said, "I think I would like this room in a cream color."
The contractor wrote on his clipboard, walked to the window, opened it and yelled out, "Green side up!"
He then closed the window and continued following the woman to the next room. The woman looked confused, but proceeded with her tour.
"In this room, I was thinking of an off blue."
Again, the contractor wrote this down, went to the window, opened it and yelled out, "Green side up!"
This baffled the woman, but she was hesitant to say anything. In the next room, the woman said she would like it painted in a light rose color.
And once more, the contractor opened the window and yelled, "Green side up!"
Struck with curiosity, the woman mustered up the nerve to ask, "Why do you keep yelling 'Green side up' out my window every time I tell you the color I would like the room?"
The contractor replied, "Because I have to supervise a crew of Aggies laying sod across the street."

Wordy JOW #729

September is probably my least favorite month.  This is a bit strange since September marks the beginning of many things I like – school, football, the church calendar, and cooler weather.  The problem with September, at least in east Texas is that I am so tired of it being so very hot and humid, especially in the morning.  I can take high temperatures, but there is literally no part of the day in which it is comfortable to be outside in September.

But enough whining about the heat:  I decided to do some word jokes.  I like words and so word jokes are some of my favorites.  Also, today is National Teddy Bear Day.

English is a very flexible language, always adding words and phrases.  Here are few new ones that are currently in use:

Lost in Textation. -The awkward part of texting where the context of a conversation is lost without vocal and facial aid. What would normally be a joke or sarcastic comment comes off as an insult.

Muesdays - After a holiday on Monday, going back to work on Tuesday feels like a Monday. You will have a case of the Muesdays.

Abeerance - The act of showing up somewhere because you feel obligated... but only for one beer because you don't want to stay too long.

Gumby shoulders - The slumping of the shoulders (and head) when feeling extremely disappointed or dejected. Named after the claymation V character Gumby.

Facebook Warrior - Someone who posts all the time on Facebook about all their ideals and causes....without doing any real work.

God Donut - A way to say "God Dammit" when political correctness is required. It is derived from the iPhone autocorrect function.

Facialfro - A huge, burly unkempt beard worn by a Hipster. It should never be trimmed or manicured in any way. Wherever the hair grows, you let it grow. This includes cheeks, under the chin and the neck if hair follicles exist. A Face Fro can also be worn by a lumber jack, biker or a Duck Dynasty dude.

Sequelphobia, - You loved the original so much, that when the sequel comes out you have you have the fear it won't live up to the original.

Here are some more plays on words:

·         A joke is like sex. Neither is any good if you don't get it.

·         I am afraid I have an enlarged vowel in my hEart.

·         Instead of "the John," I call my toilet "the Jim." That way it sounds better when I say I go to the Jim every morning.

·         I never wanted to believe that my son was stealing from his job as a road worker. But when I got home, all the signs were there.

·         I went into the bank and asked the teller to check my balance.  So she gave me a little shove.

·         Did you hear about the kidnapping at school?  It's okay. He woke up.

·         Have you heard about crime in multi-story parking decks? It's just wrong on so many levels.

·         Two men broke into a drugstore and stole all the Viagra. The police put out an alert to be on the lookout for the two hardened criminals.

·         An English teacher wrote these words on the whiteboard, "Woman without her man is nothing." The teacher then asked the students to punctuate the words correctly. The men wrote, "Woman, without her man, is nothing." The women wrote, "Woman! Without her, man is nothing."

And some word riddles:

Q: What's the difference between a cat and a complex sentence?
A: A cat has claws at the end of its paws and a complex sentence has a pause at the end of its clause.

Q: What do you call a bear with no teeth?
A: A gummy bear.

Q: What happens to a frog's car when it breaks down?
A: It gets toad away.

Q: What do you get if you divide the circumference of a pumpkin by its diameter?
A: Pumpkin Pi.

Q: What do an old person, a Mexican man, and a high school student close to graduation have in common?
A: They're all seniors.

Finally, Glen sent this to me and I thought I should pass it along.

Jiggs McDonald, NHL Hall of Fame broadcaster was speaking in Ontario. "I am truly perplexed that so many of my friends are against another mosque being built in Toronto.   
I think it should be the goal of every Canadian to be tolerant regardless of their religious beliefs. Thus the mosque should be allowed, in an effort to promote tolerance.
I also propose that two nightclubs be opened next door to the mosque, thereby promoting tolerance from within the mosque.   We could call one of the clubs, which would be gay, "The Turban Cowboy," and the other a topless bar called "You Mecca Me Hot."
Next door should be a butcher shop that specializes in pork, and adjacent to that an open-pit barbecue pork restaurant, called "Iraq of Ribs." Across the street there could be a lingerie store called “Victoria Keeps Nothing Secret," with sexy mannequins in the window modeling the goods.
Next door to the lingerie shop there would be room for an adult sex toy shop , "Koranal Knowledge,"  its name in flashing neon lights, and on the other side a liquor store called "Morehammered." All of this would encourage Muslims to demonstrate the tolerance they demand of us, so their mosque issue would not be a problem for others.”

And if you are not laughing or smiling at this point... It is either past your bedtime, or it's midnight at the oasis and time to put your camel to bed!!!

Soap Box JOW #728

First, I need to get up on my soapbox for a bit.  I have been watching the news on the tragedy in Ferguson, Missouri; and it is a tragedy - fueled by fear and hubris.   The response by the local police will probably become a textbook case in how not to handle a controversial police shooting. There have been associated protests around the country crying out that “our young men are being killed.”   This is true for African American men – they suffer a murder rate (as victims) six times higher than whites; and 93% of their murderers were also black.  It is puzzling that there in so much coverage and outrage when a white police officer kills a black man yet the ongoing slaughter (and that is the word) of young black men by other black men is essentially ignored by the wider media and certainly by the activists. 

Another interesting spin was the outrage caused when another white police officer posted comments about how not to be assaulted by the police.  Apparently none one remembers the hilarious video released by Chris Rock called “How not to get your ass kicked by the police.” You can watch it at the following link: (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uj0mtxXEGE8.)

In the video, Chris has a series of skits demonstrating such helpful tips as “Obey the law’; “Be polite”; and “Stop immediately.”  In each vignette the subject is first shown having a perfectly polite encounter with the officers and then the same actor shows how ‘not to’ behave.  In each case he winds up surrounded by police who are simulating kicking his ass.  It doesn’t sound like it would be funny – but it is.

Let me step off my soapbox now and provide you with some humor for this Labor Day.

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Tom sent me a photo of one of those annoying signs created (using our tax dollars) which encourage us to behave in a healthier manner.  One of the most irritating is the one urging men to stop smoking and get medical checkups and such like.  It reads:

This year thousands of men will die from stubbornness.

Spray painted below it in a masculine hand is “No we won’t”

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My friend Tor may be more or less retired but he apparently still knows how to have a good time if this story he sent me is true.

………….

I recently work my Vietnam Veteran ball cap to my local Walmart.

While standing in line to check out, the guy in front of me, probably in his early thirties, asked, "Are you a Vietnam Vet?"

"No," I replied.

"Then why are you wearing that cap?"

 "Because I couldn't find the one from the War of 1812."

 I thought this was a snappy retort.

 "The War of 1812, huh?" the "Walmartian" queried, "When was that?"

 God forgive me, but I couldn't pass up such an opportunity. "1936," I answered, as straight-faced as possible.

 He pondered my response for a moment and then asked, "Why do they call it the War of 1812 if it was in 1936?"

"It was a Black Operation. No one is supposed to know about it."

 This was beginning to be way too much fun!

 "Dude! Really?" he exclaimed.

"How did you get to do something that COOOOL?"

I glanced furtively around me for effect, leaned toward the guy, and in a low voice said. "I'm not sure. I was the only Caucasian on the mission."

"Dude," he was really getting excited about what he was hearing, "that is seriously awesome! But, didn't you kind of stand out?"

"Not really. The other guys were all wearing white camouflage."

The moron nodded knowingly.

"Listen man," I said in a very serious tone, "You can't tell anyone about this. It's still 'top secret' and I shouldn't have said anything."

"Oh yeah?" he gave me that, 'don't threaten me look.' "Like, what's gonna happen if I do?"

With a really hard look I said, "You have a family don't you? We wouldn't want anything to happen to them, would we?"

The guy gulped, left his basket where it was and fled through the door. By this time the lady behind me was about to have a heart attack, she was laughing so hard. I just grinned at her.

After checking out and going to the parking lot I saw the Dimwit leaning in a car window talking to a young woman. Upon catching sight of me he started pointing excitedly in my direction.

Giving him another 'deadly' serious look, I made the 'I see you' gesture. He turned kind of pale, jumped into the car and sped out of the parking lot in a flurry of dust.

What a great time I had!

Tomorrow I'm going back with my Homeland Security cap.

Then the next day I will go to the DMV so I can wear my Border Patrol hat, and see how long it takes to empty out the place.

Whoever said retirement is boring? You just need the right kind of cap!

A recent survey claimed that men are happier then women. Dan passed these thoughts from a female friend on just why that is so:

·         Wedding plans take care of themselves.

·         Chocolate is just another snack.

·         You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.  Heck, you can wear NO shirt to a water park.

·         Car mechanics tell you the truth.

·         The world is your urinal.

·         You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky.

·         Wrinkles add character.

·         Wedding dress $5000. Tux rental-$100.

·         People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.

·         New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.

·         One mood - all the time.

·         Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.

·         You know stuff about tanks.

·         A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.

·         You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.

·         If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.

·         Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack.

·         Three pairs of shoes are more than enough..

·         You almost never have strap problems in public.

·         You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes..

·         Everything on your face stays its original color.

·         The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.

·         You only have to shave your face and neck.

·         You can play with toys all your life.

·         You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.

·         You can 'do' your nails with a pocket knife.

·         You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.

No wonder men are happier.

And to wrap up this week’s offerings a few pseudo intellectual-style jokes.

There is a band called 1023MB.  They haven’t had any gigs yet.

It is not easy being a self-made man unless you have and Oedipus complex and a time machine.

Did you hear about the man who was cooled to absolute zero?  He is 0 K now.

Q: Why did the chicken cross the Mobius strip?  A: To get to the same side.

Q: How many surrealists does it take to screw in a light bulb?  A: The goldfish.