We have lots of hot and dry jokes these days such as: “We have catfish a 12” long that haven’t learned how to swim yet.” It is really hot. The weathermen, in their continuing effort to make things look as bad as possible have invented a “feel’s like” Heat Index that takes into account our dreadful humidity. So we have temperatures of 99 with a Heat Index of 104. Meanwhile, over in Phoenix, Dave and Janet are putting up with a typical Arizona summer day with actual temperatures of 108.
To get a break, Ruth and I will take next week off and spend our time loafing about on a houseboat on the St. John’s River in central Florida, so I may have to have a break in the JOW chain. Ruth has decided she will not swim in any river that she has to share with gators, the big sissy. So my theme this week is ALLIGATORS!
On a vacation to Florida, a tourist capsized his boat. He could swim, but his fear of alligators kept him clinging to the overturned craft. Spotting and old beachcomber standing on the shore, the tourist shouted, "Are there any gators around here?!"
"No," the man hollered back, "they ain't been around for years!"
Feeling safe, the tourist started swimming leisurely toward the shore. About halfway there he asked the guy, "How'd you get rid of the gators?"
"Oh," the beachcomber said. "The sharks got 'em."
Alligator shoes:
A young blonde was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana.
She wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking.
After becoming very frustrated, the blonde shouted, "Maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator so I can get a pair of shoes at a reasonable price!"
The shopkeeper said, "By all means, be my guest. Maybe you'll catch yourself a big one!"
Determined, the blonde turned and headed for the swamps, set on catching herself an alligator.
Later in the day, the shopkeeper was driving home when he spotted the young woman standing waist deep in the water, shotgun in hand.
Just then, he saw a huge 9 foot alligator swimming quickly toward her. She took aim, killed the creature and with a great deal of effort hauled it on to the swamp bank. Laying nearby were several more of the dead creatures.
The shopkeeper watched in amazement. Just then the blonde flipped the alligator on its back and, frustrated, shouts out,
"Damn it, this one isn't wearing any shoes either!
A Yankee was being led through the swamps of Louisiana by a friend.
"Is it true that an alligator won' t attack you if you carry a flashlight?"
His friend smirked and replied, "Depends on how fast you carry the flashlight."
That reminds me of a lawyer/alligator joke
A man walked into a bar with his alligator and asked the bartender "Do you serve lawyers here?" "Sure do," replied the bartender. "Good," said the customer, "Give me a beer, and I'll have a lawyer for my gator."
And one non-gator joke:
Two friends meet on the street after not having seen each other for some
time. One of them is using crutches.
"What's the matter with you?" asks his friend.
"Bus accident," says the man on crutches.
"When did that happen?"
"About six weeks ago."
"And you still have to use crutches?" the friend asks.
"Well," says the man, "my doctor says I could get along without
them, but my lawyer says I can't.
Tuesday, June 23, 2009
Friday, June 19, 2009
Hot JOW
A high pressure dome has settled in for an extended stay over Texas. That means the weathermen have nothing to do until it breaks. Like Hawaii they merely post up the same forecast every day: highs in the upper 90’s lows in the upper 70’s and very humid. We have lots of humidity here on the Gulf Coast. Humidity is the experience of looking for air and finding water. You can get soaked in sweat just going out to pick up the morning paper. Anyway, I have some hot jokes and a couple of religious ones that will probably earn me a few hot decades in Purgatory. But if they make you smile, it will be worth it.
First about the weather:
•If you see a heat wave, should you wave back?
•What's worse than raining cats and dogs? Hailing Taxis!
•And now, for your extended forecast: "Foooorrrcaaaasssstt"
Everybody knows about the Fujita Scale which measures the power of tornados. But nobody really knows what all those types of twisters do to COWS. So here is the MOOJITA Scale...
M0 Tornado - Cows in an open field are spun around parallel to the wind flow and become mildly annoyed.
M1 Tornado - Cows are tipped over and can't get up.
M2 Tornado - Cows begin rolling with the wind.
M3 Tornado - Cows tumble and bounce.
M4 Tornado - Cows are AIRBORNE.
M5 Tornado - S T E A K ! ! !
Questions from Don
Why do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
Why do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a diet coke.
Why do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
Why do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.
Mary Ellen suggested this one
A man arrives at the gates of heaven. St. Peter asks, Religion?
The man says ‘Catholic.’
St Peter looks down his list and says - go to room 28 but be very quiet as you pass room 8
Another man arrives - Religion? ‘Baptist’.
Go to room 18 but be very quiet as you pass room 8.
A third man arrives at the gates. Religion? Jewish.
Go to room 11 but be very quiet as you pass room 8.
The man says, “I can understand there being different rooms for different religions, but why must I be quiet when I pass room 8?”
St. Peter says, "The Jehovah's Witnesses are in room 8, and they think they are the only ones here."
Which reminded me of this one from Mike
A priest, a Pentecostal preacher and a Rabbi all served as chaplains to the students of Northern Michigan University in Marquette. They would get together two or three times a week for coffee and to talk shop.
One day, someone made the comment that preaching to people isn't really all that hard. A real challenge would be to preach to a bear.
One thing led to another and they decided to do an experiment .They would all go out into the woods, find a bear, preach to it, and attempt to convert it.
Seven days later, they're all together to discuss the experience.
Father Flannery, who has his arm in a sling, and has various bandages, goes first.
"Well," he says, "I went into the woods to find me a bear. And when I found him I began to read to him from the Catechism. Well, that bear wanted nothing to do with me and began to slap me around. So I quickly grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him and, Holy Mary Mother of God, he became as gentle a lamb. The bishop is coming out next week
to give him first communion and confirmation."
Reverend Billy Bob spoke next. He was on crutches.
In his best fire and brimstone oratory he claimed, "WELL brothers, you KNOW that we don't sprinkle! I went out and I FOUND me a bear. And then I began to read to my bear from God's HOLY WORD! But that bear wanted nothing to do with me. So I took HOLD of him and we began to wrestle. We wrestled down one hill, UP another and DOWN another until we came to a creek. So I quick DUNKED him and BAPTIZED his hairy soul. And just like you said, he became as gentle as a lamb. We spent the rest of the time praising Jesus."
They both looked down at the rabbi, who was lying in a hospital bed. He was in a body cast and traction with IV's and monitors running in and out of him. He was in bad shape. The rabbi looks up and says, "Looking back on it, circumcision may not have been the best way to start.
First about the weather:
•If you see a heat wave, should you wave back?
•What's worse than raining cats and dogs? Hailing Taxis!
•And now, for your extended forecast: "Foooorrrcaaaasssstt"
Everybody knows about the Fujita Scale which measures the power of tornados. But nobody really knows what all those types of twisters do to COWS. So here is the MOOJITA Scale...
M0 Tornado - Cows in an open field are spun around parallel to the wind flow and become mildly annoyed.
M1 Tornado - Cows are tipped over and can't get up.
M2 Tornado - Cows begin rolling with the wind.
M3 Tornado - Cows tumble and bounce.
M4 Tornado - Cows are AIRBORNE.
M5 Tornado - S T E A K ! ! !
Questions from Don
Why do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
Why do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a diet coke.
Why do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
Why do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.
Mary Ellen suggested this one
A man arrives at the gates of heaven. St. Peter asks, Religion?
The man says ‘Catholic.’
St Peter looks down his list and says - go to room 28 but be very quiet as you pass room 8
Another man arrives - Religion? ‘Baptist’.
Go to room 18 but be very quiet as you pass room 8.
A third man arrives at the gates. Religion? Jewish.
Go to room 11 but be very quiet as you pass room 8.
The man says, “I can understand there being different rooms for different religions, but why must I be quiet when I pass room 8?”
St. Peter says, "The Jehovah's Witnesses are in room 8, and they think they are the only ones here."
Which reminded me of this one from Mike
A priest, a Pentecostal preacher and a Rabbi all served as chaplains to the students of Northern Michigan University in Marquette. They would get together two or three times a week for coffee and to talk shop.
One day, someone made the comment that preaching to people isn't really all that hard. A real challenge would be to preach to a bear.
One thing led to another and they decided to do an experiment .They would all go out into the woods, find a bear, preach to it, and attempt to convert it.
Seven days later, they're all together to discuss the experience.
Father Flannery, who has his arm in a sling, and has various bandages, goes first.
"Well," he says, "I went into the woods to find me a bear. And when I found him I began to read to him from the Catechism. Well, that bear wanted nothing to do with me and began to slap me around. So I quickly grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him and, Holy Mary Mother of God, he became as gentle a lamb. The bishop is coming out next week
to give him first communion and confirmation."
Reverend Billy Bob spoke next. He was on crutches.
In his best fire and brimstone oratory he claimed, "WELL brothers, you KNOW that we don't sprinkle! I went out and I FOUND me a bear. And then I began to read to my bear from God's HOLY WORD! But that bear wanted nothing to do with me. So I took HOLD of him and we began to wrestle. We wrestled down one hill, UP another and DOWN another until we came to a creek. So I quick DUNKED him and BAPTIZED his hairy soul. And just like you said, he became as gentle as a lamb. We spent the rest of the time praising Jesus."
They both looked down at the rabbi, who was lying in a hospital bed. He was in a body cast and traction with IV's and monitors running in and out of him. He was in bad shape. The rabbi looks up and says, "Looking back on it, circumcision may not have been the best way to start.
Tuesday, June 9, 2009
Downhill JOW
Ken and Donna provided me with these funny and uplifting jokes. Then we go down hill with one from Mary Ellen. I probably should have quit when I was ahead.
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered to her mother, 'Why is the bride dressed in white?''
The mother replied, 'Because white is the color of happiness, and today is the happiest day of her life.'
The child thought about this for a moment then said, 'So why is the groom wearing black?'
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Three boys are in the school yard bragging about their fathers. The first boy says, 'My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a poem, they give him $50.'
The second boy says, 'That's nothing. My Dad scribbles a few words on piece of paper, he calls it a song, they give him $100.'
The third boy says, 'I got you both beat. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a sermon, and it takes four ushers to collect all the money!'
~~~~~~~~~~~~
An elderly woman died last month. Having never married, she requested no male pallbearers. In her handwritten instructions for her memorial service, she wrote,
'They wouldn't take me out while I was alive, I don't want them to take me out when I'm dead.'
I can relate to this one.
A police recruit was asked during the exam, 'What would you do if you had to arrest your own mother?'
He answered, 'Call for backup.'
Mary Ellen is to blame for this joke.
John was a salesman's delight when it came to any kind of unusual gimmick. His wife Marsha had long ago given up trying to get him to change.
0ne day John came home with another one of his unusual purchases.
It was a machine that John claimed was actually a flawless lie detector that could recognize when anyone told a lie.
It was about 5:30 that afternoon when Tommy, their 11 year old son, returned home from school. Tommy was over 2 hours late.
‘Where have you been? Why are you over 2 hours late getting home?' asked John. 'Several of us went to the library to work on an extra credit project,' said Tommy.
“Bzzzz” went the lie detector.
'Son,' said John, This is a lie detector. Now tell us where you really were after school.'
'We went to Bobby's house and watched a movie.' said Tommy.
'What did you watch?' asked Marsha.
'The Ten Commandments.' answered Tommy.
“Bzzzz” when the lie detector.
With his lip quivering, Tommy said, 'I am sorry I lied.
We really watched a tape called Sex Queen.'
'I am ashamed of you son,' said John. 'When I was your age, I never lied to my parents.'
“BZZZZ.”
Marsha doubled over in laughter, almost in tears and said, 'Boy, did you ever ask for that one! Well, you can't be too mad with Tommy. After all, he is your son!'
“BZZZZZZZ!”
Finally, this email warning came from a blonde friend who shall remain anonymous.
Subject: Tick Warning:
This could really save you!!
I hate it when people forward bogus warnings, and I have even done it myself a couple of times ... But this one is real, and it's important so please send this warning to everyone on your e-mail list:
If people come to your front door saying they are checking for ticks due to the warming weather and ask you to take your clothes off and dance around with your arms up, do not do it!! It is a scam!!
They only want to see you naked ... I wish I'd gotten this yesterday.
I feel so stupid.
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered to her mother, 'Why is the bride dressed in white?''
The mother replied, 'Because white is the color of happiness, and today is the happiest day of her life.'
The child thought about this for a moment then said, 'So why is the groom wearing black?'
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Three boys are in the school yard bragging about their fathers. The first boy says, 'My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a poem, they give him $50.'
The second boy says, 'That's nothing. My Dad scribbles a few words on piece of paper, he calls it a song, they give him $100.'
The third boy says, 'I got you both beat. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a sermon, and it takes four ushers to collect all the money!'
~~~~~~~~~~~~
An elderly woman died last month. Having never married, she requested no male pallbearers. In her handwritten instructions for her memorial service, she wrote,
'They wouldn't take me out while I was alive, I don't want them to take me out when I'm dead.'
I can relate to this one.
A police recruit was asked during the exam, 'What would you do if you had to arrest your own mother?'
He answered, 'Call for backup.'
Mary Ellen is to blame for this joke.
John was a salesman's delight when it came to any kind of unusual gimmick. His wife Marsha had long ago given up trying to get him to change.
0ne day John came home with another one of his unusual purchases.
It was a machine that John claimed was actually a flawless lie detector that could recognize when anyone told a lie.
It was about 5:30 that afternoon when Tommy, their 11 year old son, returned home from school. Tommy was over 2 hours late.
‘Where have you been? Why are you over 2 hours late getting home?' asked John. 'Several of us went to the library to work on an extra credit project,' said Tommy.
“Bzzzz” went the lie detector.
'Son,' said John, This is a lie detector. Now tell us where you really were after school.'
'We went to Bobby's house and watched a movie.' said Tommy.
'What did you watch?' asked Marsha.
'The Ten Commandments.' answered Tommy.
“Bzzzz” when the lie detector.
With his lip quivering, Tommy said, 'I am sorry I lied.
We really watched a tape called Sex Queen.'
'I am ashamed of you son,' said John. 'When I was your age, I never lied to my parents.'
“BZZZZ.”
Marsha doubled over in laughter, almost in tears and said, 'Boy, did you ever ask for that one! Well, you can't be too mad with Tommy. After all, he is your son!'
“BZZZZZZZ!”
Finally, this email warning came from a blonde friend who shall remain anonymous.
Subject: Tick Warning:
This could really save you!!
I hate it when people forward bogus warnings, and I have even done it myself a couple of times ... But this one is real, and it's important so please send this warning to everyone on your e-mail list:
If people come to your front door saying they are checking for ticks due to the warming weather and ask you to take your clothes off and dance around with your arms up, do not do it!! It is a scam!!
They only want to see you naked ... I wish I'd gotten this yesterday.
I feel so stupid.
Thursday, June 4, 2009
Cajun JOW
I was in New Orleans last week. Now that I am no longer working for HP, I may be spending more time there doing contract work. There are lots of good Cajun jokes. Things like “How do you know you are in a Cajun Zoo? There are two plaques by each of the animal enclosures. One describing the animal, one providing a recipe.
So here are a few “you might be” bits followed by a couple of Cajun jokes.
YOU MIGHT BE A CAJUN IF...
• Watching "Wild Kingdom" inspires you to write a cookbook.
• You won't eat a lobster because you think it's a crawfish on steroids
• You take a bite of 5-alarm Texas chili and reach for some Tabasco.
• You pass up a chance to meet the president to go to the Crawfish Festival in Breaux Bridge.
• You're asked to name the four seasons and you reply, "Onions, celery, bell peppers, and garlic."
• You let your coffee cool and find it has gelled.
• You describe a complete breakfast as some deer sausage and a yard of boudin.
• None of your favorite vacation spots are north of Abbeville.
• You sit down to eat boiled crawfish and someone says, "Don't eat the dead ones" and you know what they mean.
• You refer to Louisiana winters as "gumbo weather"
• You gave up Tabasco for Lent.
• You don't know the real names of your close friends - only their nicknames.
• Your high school's rendition of the national anthem begins with, "Jambalaya, crawfish pie, and a filet gumbo..."
=================
A Cajun discovered himself in Hell. He looked around awhile, then went to work shoveling brimstone.
The devil came up to him and said, "How you like it here, my friend? It's hard work and it's hot, yeah?"
The Cajun just smiled and answered, "It not so bad. The work is steady. I got no problem with steady work. And it ain't so hot. You think this is hot? Man, I'm from south Louisiana --- It hot there, my fren! This ain't nothing." He just laughed and went back to work singing and having a high old time.
Satan, being a former Texan, did not like Cajuns. He said to himself, "I'll get him. So he don't mind the hot, huh?" Satan waved a hand and the whole place was suddenly ice and snow, solid. And he said, "That'll fix dat fool!"
When he went back to check on the Cajun, he found him jumping up and yelling and laughing and clapping and dancing. So Satan said, "Man, what's wrong with you?!"
The Cajun smiled big and replied, "The Saints done won the Super Bowl!
=================
Boudreaux won $10 million in the Louisiana lottery last week. Bright and early the next morning, he got in his Country Cadillac, and drove all the way to Baton Rouge to collect his money. When he walked in, he told the lottery man, "Hey, I'm Boudreaux, the lottery winner, and I'm here to collect my money!"
The lottery man said, "Well, Mr. Boudreaux, it doesn't work like that. You can't have the whole amount at one time, but we will pay you half a million a year for the next twenty years."
Boudreaux, upset, told the man, "Mais, no, sha, I won the lottery and I want all my money right now. I don' want to wait for twenty years to get it !"
The man tried to calm Boudreaux down, telling him that's how the lottery works.
Boudreaux, really angry now, said, "Mais, if dats de way y'all wanta be, jus' never mind! Here's your damn ticket --- gimme my dollar back!"
Bil provided this ‘case study’
If you've ever worked for a boss that reacts before getting the facts and thinking things through, you will love this!
Arcelor-Mittal Steel, feeling it was time for a shakeup, hired a new CEO. The new boss was determined to rid the company of all slackers.
On a tour of the facilities, the CEO noticed a guy leaning on a wall.
The room was full of workers and he wanted to let them know that he meant business.
He walked up to the guy leaning against the wall and asked, 'How much money do you make a week?'
A little surprised, the young man looked at him and replied, 'I make $400 a week... Why?'
The CEO then handed the guy $1,600 in cash and screamed, 'Here's four weeks' pay, now GET OUT and don't come back.'
Feeling pretty good about himself, the CEO looked around the room and asked, 'Does anyone want to tell me what that goof-ball did here? '
From across the room came a voice, 'Pizza delivery guy from Domino's.'
Some people are interested in anagrams. Here are a few “thought provokers”
ASTRONOMER:
When you rearrange the letters:
MOON STARER
DESPERATION:
When you rearrange the letters:
A ROPE ENDS IT
THE EYES:
When you rearrange the letters:
THEY SEE
HE MORSE CODE :
When you rearrange the letters:
HERE COME DOTS
SLOT MACHINES:
When you rearrange the letters:
CASH LOST IN ME
So here are a few “you might be” bits followed by a couple of Cajun jokes.
YOU MIGHT BE A CAJUN IF...
• Watching "Wild Kingdom" inspires you to write a cookbook.
• You won't eat a lobster because you think it's a crawfish on steroids
• You take a bite of 5-alarm Texas chili and reach for some Tabasco.
• You pass up a chance to meet the president to go to the Crawfish Festival in Breaux Bridge.
• You're asked to name the four seasons and you reply, "Onions, celery, bell peppers, and garlic."
• You let your coffee cool and find it has gelled.
• You describe a complete breakfast as some deer sausage and a yard of boudin.
• None of your favorite vacation spots are north of Abbeville.
• You sit down to eat boiled crawfish and someone says, "Don't eat the dead ones" and you know what they mean.
• You refer to Louisiana winters as "gumbo weather"
• You gave up Tabasco for Lent.
• You don't know the real names of your close friends - only their nicknames.
• Your high school's rendition of the national anthem begins with, "Jambalaya, crawfish pie, and a filet gumbo..."
=================
A Cajun discovered himself in Hell. He looked around awhile, then went to work shoveling brimstone.
The devil came up to him and said, "How you like it here, my friend? It's hard work and it's hot, yeah?"
The Cajun just smiled and answered, "It not so bad. The work is steady. I got no problem with steady work. And it ain't so hot. You think this is hot? Man, I'm from south Louisiana --- It hot there, my fren! This ain't nothing." He just laughed and went back to work singing and having a high old time.
Satan, being a former Texan, did not like Cajuns. He said to himself, "I'll get him. So he don't mind the hot, huh?" Satan waved a hand and the whole place was suddenly ice and snow, solid. And he said, "That'll fix dat fool!"
When he went back to check on the Cajun, he found him jumping up and yelling and laughing and clapping and dancing. So Satan said, "Man, what's wrong with you?!"
The Cajun smiled big and replied, "The Saints done won the Super Bowl!
=================
Boudreaux won $10 million in the Louisiana lottery last week. Bright and early the next morning, he got in his Country Cadillac, and drove all the way to Baton Rouge to collect his money. When he walked in, he told the lottery man, "Hey, I'm Boudreaux, the lottery winner, and I'm here to collect my money!"
The lottery man said, "Well, Mr. Boudreaux, it doesn't work like that. You can't have the whole amount at one time, but we will pay you half a million a year for the next twenty years."
Boudreaux, upset, told the man, "Mais, no, sha, I won the lottery and I want all my money right now. I don' want to wait for twenty years to get it !"
The man tried to calm Boudreaux down, telling him that's how the lottery works.
Boudreaux, really angry now, said, "Mais, if dats de way y'all wanta be, jus' never mind! Here's your damn ticket --- gimme my dollar back!"
Bil provided this ‘case study’
If you've ever worked for a boss that reacts before getting the facts and thinking things through, you will love this!
Arcelor-Mittal Steel, feeling it was time for a shakeup, hired a new CEO. The new boss was determined to rid the company of all slackers.
On a tour of the facilities, the CEO noticed a guy leaning on a wall.
The room was full of workers and he wanted to let them know that he meant business.
He walked up to the guy leaning against the wall and asked, 'How much money do you make a week?'
A little surprised, the young man looked at him and replied, 'I make $400 a week... Why?'
The CEO then handed the guy $1,600 in cash and screamed, 'Here's four weeks' pay, now GET OUT and don't come back.'
Feeling pretty good about himself, the CEO looked around the room and asked, 'Does anyone want to tell me what that goof-ball did here? '
From across the room came a voice, 'Pizza delivery guy from Domino's.'
Some people are interested in anagrams. Here are a few “thought provokers”
ASTRONOMER:
When you rearrange the letters:
MOON STARER
DESPERATION:
When you rearrange the letters:
A ROPE ENDS IT
THE EYES:
When you rearrange the letters:
THEY SEE
HE MORSE CODE :
When you rearrange the letters:
HERE COME DOTS
SLOT MACHINES:
When you rearrange the letters:
CASH LOST IN ME
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