Texas is a most unusual state.
You can drive hard all day and not leave the state! Football is really
important in Texas the rivalry between A&M and UT defines people’s ideas of
good and evil... and don’t even bring up OU.
Vending machines are regularly stocked with items like
the "Big Texas Cinnamon Rolls". Are other states celebrated this way like
Texas is? Can you imagine ‘Mammoth
Massachusetts Twinkies’? Or ‘Big Rhode Island Bagels? How about ‘Colossal Connecticut Cinnabuns’?
It's a common misconception that everything is twice as big in Texas, really,
everything is 1.965 times bigger, but they round up.
It is easy to become a Texan: buy a pair of boots or a Stetson hat
and you are immediately accepted. Once you acknowledge your new status you will
find that:
• You drive a pickup truck because you want to.
• You understand that high school football is a way of life.
• You understand that high school football is a way of life.
• You know and actually drink Lone Star Beer is.
·
You prefer Whataburger to McDonalds.
• You attend a formal event in your best clothes, your finest
jewelry and your cowboy boots.
·
You have 5 pairs of boots and they all serve
different purposes.
1) Work boots
2) Rodeo boots
3) Dress boots
4) Casual boots
5) Huntin’ boots
1) Work boots
2) Rodeo boots
3) Dress boots
4) Casual boots
5) Huntin’ boots
·
Even your pastor wears boots
Q: Why do University of Texas Pan American
grads keep their diplomas on their dashboards?
A: So they can park in handicap spaces.
====================
Students in a psychology class were attending their first class on emotional extremes.
"In order to establish some parameters," the professor said to a student from Alabama, "What is the opposite of joy?"
"Sadness," replied the student.
"And what is the opposite of depression?", the professor asked a young lady from Mississippi.
"Elation," she answered.
"And you, young man," he said to a student from Texas. "What about the opposite of woe?"
"Well, sir, I believe that'd be 'giddy-up'," the Texan replied.
Students in a psychology class were attending their first class on emotional extremes.
"In order to establish some parameters," the professor said to a student from Alabama, "What is the opposite of joy?"
"Sadness," replied the student.
"And what is the opposite of depression?", the professor asked a young lady from Mississippi.
"Elation," she answered.
"And you, young man," he said to a student from Texas. "What about the opposite of woe?"
"Well, sir, I believe that'd be 'giddy-up'," the Texan replied.
-----------------------------------
A cowboy rode into town and stopped at a saloon for a drink.
Unfortunately, the locals had a habit of picking on strangers. So when he
finished his drink, he found his horse had been stolen. He went back into the
bar, handily flipped his gun into the air, caught it above his head and fired a
shot into the ceiling. ''WHICH ONE OF YOU SIDEWINDERS STOLE MY HOSS?'' he
yelled.
No one answered.
''ALL RIGHT, I'M GONNA HAVE ANOTHA' BEER, AND IF MY HOSS AIN'T BACK OUTSIDE BY THE TIME I FINISH, I'M GONNA DO WHAT I DONE IN TEXAS! AND I DON'T LIKE TO HAVE TO DO WHAT I DONE IN TEXAS!''
Some of the locals shifted restlessly. The cowboy had another beer, walked outside, and his horse was back! He saddled up and started to ride out of town. The bartender wandered out of the bar and asked, ''Say partner, before you go. . .what happened in Texas?''
The cowboy turned back and said, ''I had to walk home.''
No one answered.
''ALL RIGHT, I'M GONNA HAVE ANOTHA' BEER, AND IF MY HOSS AIN'T BACK OUTSIDE BY THE TIME I FINISH, I'M GONNA DO WHAT I DONE IN TEXAS! AND I DON'T LIKE TO HAVE TO DO WHAT I DONE IN TEXAS!''
Some of the locals shifted restlessly. The cowboy had another beer, walked outside, and his horse was back! He saddled up and started to ride out of town. The bartender wandered out of the bar and asked, ''Say partner, before you go. . .what happened in Texas?''
The cowboy turned back and said, ''I had to walk home.''
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A man fell in love with the girl of his dreams. They were perfect for each other, except for one minor problem: She was an Texas A&M Aggies fan and he was a Texas Longhorns fan. He decided to make the ultimate sacrifice and become a Aggies fan. He went to the doctor and asked if there was an easy way to do this. The doctor replied, "Yes, it's a very simple procedure. What we do is go in and remove half your brain. When you wake up, you will be an Texas A&M Aggies fan." The man agrees, and the next week goes into surgery. After he wakes up the doctor comes up to him concerned. "Sir, I apologize, but there was a mix-up with the scalpel. Instead of removing half your brain we removed 3/4 of it. How do you feel?" The man sat up, looked around, and said "GO RED RAIDERS!"
A man fell in love with the girl of his dreams. They were perfect for each other, except for one minor problem: She was an Texas A&M Aggies fan and he was a Texas Longhorns fan. He decided to make the ultimate sacrifice and become a Aggies fan. He went to the doctor and asked if there was an easy way to do this. The doctor replied, "Yes, it's a very simple procedure. What we do is go in and remove half your brain. When you wake up, you will be an Texas A&M Aggies fan." The man agrees, and the next week goes into surgery. After he wakes up the doctor comes up to him concerned. "Sir, I apologize, but there was a mix-up with the scalpel. Instead of removing half your brain we removed 3/4 of it. How do you feel?" The man sat up, looked around, and said "GO RED RAIDERS!"
And on a totally different note here are two
more. Tor sent this from the earthly
paradise where he is spending the summer on his boat Silver Heels.
The Iranian Ambassador to the UN had just finished giving a speech
and walked out into the lobby of the convention center where he was introduced
to a U.S. Marine General. As they talked, the Iranian said, "I have just
one question about what I have seen in America."
The General said, "Well, anything I can do to help."
The Iranian whispered, "My son watches this show called Star
Trek and in it there is... Kirk who is Canadian, Chekhov who is Russian, Scotty
who is Scottish, Uhura who is black, and Sulu who is Japanese, but there are no
Muslims. My son is very upset and doesn't understand why there aren't any
Iranians, Iraqis, Afghans, Egyptians, Palestinians, Saudis, Syrians, or
Pakistanis on Star Trek."
The General leaned toward the Iranian Ambassador, and whispered in
his ear, "That's because it takes place in the future."
Nancy provided this one which seems topical
A father walks into a restaurant with
his young son. He gives the young boy 3 nickels to play with to keep him
occupied.
Suddenly, the boy starts choking, going blue in the face. The father realizes the boy has swallowed the nickels and starts slapping him on the back. The boy coughs up 2 of the nickels, but keeps choking. Looking at his son, the father is panicking, shouting for help.
A well-dressed, attractive, and serious looking woman in a blue business suit is sitting at the coffee bar reading a newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee. At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down, neatly folds the newspaper and places it on it on the counter, gets up from her seat and makes her way, unhurried, across the restaurant.
Reaching the boy, the woman carefully drops his pants; takes hold of the boy's testicles and starts to squeeze and twist, gently at first and then ever so firmly. After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the last nickel, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand.
Releasing the boy's testicles, the woman hands the nickel to the father and walks back to her seat at the coffee bar without saying a word.
As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no ill effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying, "I've never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic. Are you a doctor? "
"No," the woman replied, "I'm with the Internal Revenue Service."
Suddenly, the boy starts choking, going blue in the face. The father realizes the boy has swallowed the nickels and starts slapping him on the back. The boy coughs up 2 of the nickels, but keeps choking. Looking at his son, the father is panicking, shouting for help.
A well-dressed, attractive, and serious looking woman in a blue business suit is sitting at the coffee bar reading a newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee. At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down, neatly folds the newspaper and places it on it on the counter, gets up from her seat and makes her way, unhurried, across the restaurant.
Reaching the boy, the woman carefully drops his pants; takes hold of the boy's testicles and starts to squeeze and twist, gently at first and then ever so firmly. After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the last nickel, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand.
Releasing the boy's testicles, the woman hands the nickel to the father and walks back to her seat at the coffee bar without saying a word.
As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no ill effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying, "I've never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic. Are you a doctor? "
"No," the woman replied, "I'm with the Internal Revenue Service."
