We have had some rain here in the greater Houston area, and that means flooding. People continue to build in flood plains and pave over every square foot of land in the area, so it is pretty much expected. All this water reminded me of one of my favorite jokes.
A man was sitting on his front porch when it started to rain. The rain came down harder and harder and the man realized that it was a flood. So the flood waters were rising and when the water started to spill over the porch, the National Guard in a big truck comes by.
"Need any help?" they ask him.
But the man said, "Nope, the Lord will take care of me!"
A few hours later, the man was standing on a chair on his front porch and another rowboat comes by. The man in the boat yells, "Need any help?"
But the man smiles and says, "Nope, the Lord will take care of me!"
A few hours later, the man is on his roof and a helicopter comes by and the pilot inside yells, "Need any help?!"
But the man just says, "Nope! The Lord will take care of me!"
A few hours later, the flood gets to be too much for the man and he drowns.
When he enters Heaven, he asks the Lord, "Lord, why didn't you take care of me?"
The Lord says, "Well, I sent you the National Guard, a rowboat and a helicopter!"
A guy walks into the doctors office with a radish in one ear, an olive in the other, a cherry tomato in one nostril and some parsley in the other.
"I don't feel so good," he says to the doctor.
"Well," the doctor replied, "that's because you're not eating right."
Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day; teach him to use the Net and he won't bother you for weeks.
Tiffany’s favorite joke: If a man speaks in the forest and there is no woman around to hear him, is he still wrong?
"I've always wanted to be somebody, but now I see that I should have been more specific." - Lily Tomlin
Every morning when I get up, I read the obituary page. If my name's not there, I shave. - George Burns
Wise words from Wayne Campbell in the movie Wayne's World: You know I thought I had mono once for an entire year--turned out I was just really bored.
There is one thing I would break up over, and that is if she catches me in bed with another woman. - Steve Martin on relationships
From Bil
"My advice to you is get married: if you find a good wife you'll be happy; if not, you'll become a philosopher." - Socrates (470-399 B.C.)
"Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays." – Anonymous (Oh prudent man!)
You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to. – Same anonymous guy
A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Wife wanted". Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."
"There's a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It's called marriage."
Sam Kinison
The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once...
Tuesday, April 28, 2009
Tuesday, April 21, 2009
Republic of Texas JOW
Our esteemed Governor Rick Perry has hinted that perhaps Texas should secede from the Union. Right. Like that worked so well in 1861. His comments have absolutely nothing to do with trailing in polls for the current race for governor. When asked that since it was the only independent country to join the union, Texas has the right to secede from the United States, the State Attorney General responded, “What, are you nuts! That is the stupidest thing I have ever heard! Are you drunk? Of course not, you idiot!”
Oops, I have exceeded my sarcasm allowance by a wide margin. Should I call that a ‘sarchasm’?
Of course, Jay Leno was all over Rick’s hints about Texas withdrawing from the Union.
• We have a new border czar. His job is to make sure nobody sneaks into the United States from Texas.”
• “Rick Perry? Didn’t he used to be the lead singer of Journey?”
• And my favorite: “If Texas did secede from the union, then we could invade it for the oil.”
Then there are suggestions for a new ‘national motto’ of the New Republic of Texas
"Texas is for wackos."
"Get off our land!"
"Sunny beaches, rolling hills, armed nut jobs."
"Texas: illegally acquired; universally admired."
"Indulge your delusions of grandeur."
...and the number one new tourism slogan for the Republic of Texas:
"It really *is* a whole 'nother country!"
Or as the old joke has it─
The best thing about Texas is that it is the only state which can legally secede from the union.
The worst thing about Texas is that it hasn't.
Texas has more than its fair share of colorful politicians. Actually I think it has a plurality. The old Texas House Speaker Gib Lewis was colorful enough all by himself to fill the quota for most states.
ACTUAL TEXAS POLITICIAN QUOTES
1. "It just makes good sense to put all your eggs in one basket."
Texas Rep. Joe Salem speaking on an amendment requiring all revenues to go into the state treasury.
2. "Lemme give ya' a hypothetic."
Texas Rep. Renal Rosson.
3. "Ain't nothin' in the middle of the road but yellow stripes and dead armadillos."
Texas Agriculture Commissioner Jim Hightower.
4. "And now, will y'all stand and be recognized?"
Texas House Speaker Gib Lewis to a group of handicapped people in wheelchairs.
5. "Dallas salutes a person who can buy a piece of art, but not a person who can create one."
C. Greene.
6. "No thanks, once was enough."
Texas Governor Bill Clements, asked if he had been born again.
7. "Oh good. Now he'll be bi-ignorant."
Texas Agriculture Commissioner Jim Hightower when told that Texas Governor Bill Clements had been studying Spanish.
8. "I'd just make a little bit of money, I wouldn't make a whole lot."
Texas House Speaker Gib Lewis defending himself against the charge that he would personally profit from a bill he had introduced.
9. "Well, there never was a Bible in the room."
Texas Governor Bill Clements, asked about repeatedly lying about the SMU football scandal.
10. "I am filled with humidity."
Texas House Speaker Gib Lewis.
11. "If ignorance ever goes to $40 a barrel, I want drillin' rights on that man's head."
Texas Agriculture Commissioner Jim Hightower discussing President George Bush's policies.
12. "If it's dangerous to talk to yourself, it's probably even dicier to listen"
Texas Agriculture Commissioner Jim Hightower.
13. "I move we recess to go outside and throw up."
Texas House Speaker Gib Lewis during a budget hearing.
14. "This is a real competitive business."
A gas station owner, when asked to explain the rapid rise in gasoline prices when Kuwait was invaded.
15. "...idiots, imbeciles, aliens, the insane and women..."
Law standing in Texas until 1918 regulating who could not vote.
16. "It's the sediment of the House that we adjourn."
Texas House Speaker Wayne Clayton.
17. "Let's do this in one foul sweep."
Texas House Speaker Wayne Clayton.
18. "This is unparalyzed in the state's history."
Texas House Speaker Gib Lewis.
19. "I want to thank each and every one of you for having extinguished yourselves this session."
Texas House Speaker Gib Lewis.
20. "We'll run it up the flagpole and see who salutes that booger."
Texas House Speaker Gib Lewis.
21. "There's a lot of uncertainty that's not clear in my mind."
Texas House Speaker Gib Lewis.
22. "I can explain it for you, but I can't understand it for you."
Anon.
When I lived in New Mexico we always hated it when Texan came over to ski in ‘our’ mountains. They were all so loud and solvent. We said things like:
Poor New Mexico─ so far from heaven, so close to Texas
&
If God had wanted Texans to ski....
He would have given them a mountain.
or
He would have made BS white.
To which the Texans would reply
If God had wanted New Mexicans to ski, He would have given them money.
If God had not wanted Texans to ski, He wouldn't have given them New Mexico and Colorado.
• Texas: Where you can see farther and see less than any place on earth.
• Texas women are so beautiful because if a girl is not pretty by the time she is 12 they ship her off to Oklahoma.
• Of course, some Texans claim that Oklahoma is nothing more than an outlying province of Texas.
• To which Oklahomans reply that it is impossible to out lie a Texan.
You might be from Texas if:
- You know exactly what calf fries are, and eat them anyway. (if you don’t know, email me and I will explain they are only available on male calves.)
- When someone refers to the current season, you have no idea if they mean spring, summer, fall, winter or football.
- "Howdy" seems to be a normal way of greeting another adult, with no irony intended.
- You have used the phrase "fixin' to" during the last 12 months.
- Someone you know has used a football schedule to plan their wedding date.
- You save all your life for your dream vacation, and use it to go to the OU/Texas game.
- A tornado warning siren is your signal to go out in the yard and look for a funnel
Finally, an actual Texas joke; it is better if you try to do the accent.
A Texas farmer walked into an attorney's office wanting to file for a divorce.
The attorney asked, "May I help you?"
The farmer said, "Yea, I want to get one of those dayvorce's."
The attorney said, "Well do you have any grounds?"
The farmer said, "Yea, I got about 140 acres."
The attorney said, "No, you don't understand, do you have a case?"
The farmer said, "No, I don't have a Case, but I have a John Deere."
The attorney said, "No you don't understand, I mean do you have a grudge?"
The farmer said, "Yea I got a grudge, that's where I park my John
Deere."
The attorney said, "No sir, I mean do you have a suit?"
The farmer said, "Yes sir, I got a suit. I wear it to church on Sundays."
The exasperated attorney said, "Well sir, does your wife beat you up or anything?"
The farmer said, "No sir, we both get up about 4:30."
Finally, the attorney says, "Okay, let me put it this way."WHY DO
YOU WANT A DIVORCE?"
And the farmer replies, "Well, I can never have a meaningful conversation with her."
Oops, I have exceeded my sarcasm allowance by a wide margin. Should I call that a ‘sarchasm’?
Of course, Jay Leno was all over Rick’s hints about Texas withdrawing from the Union.
• We have a new border czar. His job is to make sure nobody sneaks into the United States from Texas.”
• “Rick Perry? Didn’t he used to be the lead singer of Journey?”
• And my favorite: “If Texas did secede from the union, then we could invade it for the oil.”
Then there are suggestions for a new ‘national motto’ of the New Republic of Texas
"Texas is for wackos."
"Get off our land!"
"Sunny beaches, rolling hills, armed nut jobs."
"Texas: illegally acquired; universally admired."
"Indulge your delusions of grandeur."
...and the number one new tourism slogan for the Republic of Texas:
"It really *is* a whole 'nother country!"
Or as the old joke has it─
The best thing about Texas is that it is the only state which can legally secede from the union.
The worst thing about Texas is that it hasn't.
Texas has more than its fair share of colorful politicians. Actually I think it has a plurality. The old Texas House Speaker Gib Lewis was colorful enough all by himself to fill the quota for most states.
ACTUAL TEXAS POLITICIAN QUOTES
1. "It just makes good sense to put all your eggs in one basket."
Texas Rep. Joe Salem speaking on an amendment requiring all revenues to go into the state treasury.
2. "Lemme give ya' a hypothetic."
Texas Rep. Renal Rosson.
3. "Ain't nothin' in the middle of the road but yellow stripes and dead armadillos."
Texas Agriculture Commissioner Jim Hightower.
4. "And now, will y'all stand and be recognized?"
Texas House Speaker Gib Lewis to a group of handicapped people in wheelchairs.
5. "Dallas salutes a person who can buy a piece of art, but not a person who can create one."
C. Greene.
6. "No thanks, once was enough."
Texas Governor Bill Clements, asked if he had been born again.
7. "Oh good. Now he'll be bi-ignorant."
Texas Agriculture Commissioner Jim Hightower when told that Texas Governor Bill Clements had been studying Spanish.
8. "I'd just make a little bit of money, I wouldn't make a whole lot."
Texas House Speaker Gib Lewis defending himself against the charge that he would personally profit from a bill he had introduced.
9. "Well, there never was a Bible in the room."
Texas Governor Bill Clements, asked about repeatedly lying about the SMU football scandal.
10. "I am filled with humidity."
Texas House Speaker Gib Lewis.
11. "If ignorance ever goes to $40 a barrel, I want drillin' rights on that man's head."
Texas Agriculture Commissioner Jim Hightower discussing President George Bush's policies.
12. "If it's dangerous to talk to yourself, it's probably even dicier to listen"
Texas Agriculture Commissioner Jim Hightower.
13. "I move we recess to go outside and throw up."
Texas House Speaker Gib Lewis during a budget hearing.
14. "This is a real competitive business."
A gas station owner, when asked to explain the rapid rise in gasoline prices when Kuwait was invaded.
15. "...idiots, imbeciles, aliens, the insane and women..."
Law standing in Texas until 1918 regulating who could not vote.
16. "It's the sediment of the House that we adjourn."
Texas House Speaker Wayne Clayton.
17. "Let's do this in one foul sweep."
Texas House Speaker Wayne Clayton.
18. "This is unparalyzed in the state's history."
Texas House Speaker Gib Lewis.
19. "I want to thank each and every one of you for having extinguished yourselves this session."
Texas House Speaker Gib Lewis.
20. "We'll run it up the flagpole and see who salutes that booger."
Texas House Speaker Gib Lewis.
21. "There's a lot of uncertainty that's not clear in my mind."
Texas House Speaker Gib Lewis.
22. "I can explain it for you, but I can't understand it for you."
Anon.
When I lived in New Mexico we always hated it when Texan came over to ski in ‘our’ mountains. They were all so loud and solvent. We said things like:
Poor New Mexico─ so far from heaven, so close to Texas
&
If God had wanted Texans to ski....
He would have given them a mountain.
or
He would have made BS white.
To which the Texans would reply
If God had wanted New Mexicans to ski, He would have given them money.
If God had not wanted Texans to ski, He wouldn't have given them New Mexico and Colorado.
• Texas: Where you can see farther and see less than any place on earth.
• Texas women are so beautiful because if a girl is not pretty by the time she is 12 they ship her off to Oklahoma.
• Of course, some Texans claim that Oklahoma is nothing more than an outlying province of Texas.
• To which Oklahomans reply that it is impossible to out lie a Texan.
You might be from Texas if:
- You know exactly what calf fries are, and eat them anyway. (if you don’t know, email me and I will explain they are only available on male calves.)
- When someone refers to the current season, you have no idea if they mean spring, summer, fall, winter or football.
- "Howdy" seems to be a normal way of greeting another adult, with no irony intended.
- You have used the phrase "fixin' to" during the last 12 months.
- Someone you know has used a football schedule to plan their wedding date.
- You save all your life for your dream vacation, and use it to go to the OU/Texas game.
- A tornado warning siren is your signal to go out in the yard and look for a funnel
Finally, an actual Texas joke; it is better if you try to do the accent.
A Texas farmer walked into an attorney's office wanting to file for a divorce.
The attorney asked, "May I help you?"
The farmer said, "Yea, I want to get one of those dayvorce's."
The attorney said, "Well do you have any grounds?"
The farmer said, "Yea, I got about 140 acres."
The attorney said, "No, you don't understand, do you have a case?"
The farmer said, "No, I don't have a Case, but I have a John Deere."
The attorney said, "No you don't understand, I mean do you have a grudge?"
The farmer said, "Yea I got a grudge, that's where I park my John
Deere."
The attorney said, "No sir, I mean do you have a suit?"
The farmer said, "Yes sir, I got a suit. I wear it to church on Sundays."
The exasperated attorney said, "Well sir, does your wife beat you up or anything?"
The farmer said, "No sir, we both get up about 4:30."
Finally, the attorney says, "Okay, let me put it this way."WHY DO
YOU WANT A DIVORCE?"
And the farmer replies, "Well, I can never have a meaningful conversation with her."
Tuesday, April 14, 2009
I have a mixed bag of jokes this week. An Italian joke, a few Jewish/Buddhist bits of wisdom, and IT humor from Susan.
Mike offered this
The Italian Grandmother … or Jewish … depending on your accent
An Italian grandmother is giving directions to her grown grandson who is coming to visit with his wife:
"You comma to de front door of the apartmenta.
I am inna apartmenta 301.
There issa bigga panel at the front door. With you elbow you pusha button 301.
I will Buzza you in. Come inside. … The elevator is on the right.
Get ina the elevator and with you elbow you pusha 3.
When you get out, I'ma on the left.
With you elbow, hit my doorbell."
"Grandma, that sounds easy, but why am I hitting all these buttons with my elbow"?
“What . . . . . . . . You coming empty handed ?”
From Ruth – sayings from the Jewish Buddha
• Be here now. Be someplace else later. Is that so complicated?
• Drink tea and nourish life; with the first sip, joy; with the second sip, satisfaction; with the third sip, peace; with the fourth, a nice Danish.
• Wherever you go, there you are. Your luggage is another story.
• Accept misfortune as a blessing. Do not wish for perfect health, or a life without problems. What would you talk about?
• There is no escaping karma. In a previous life, you never called, you never wrote, you never visited. And whose fault was that?
• Zen is not easy. It takes effort to attain nothingness. And then what do you have? Bupkis.
• The Tao does not speak. The Tao does not blame. The Tao does not take sides. The Tao has no expectations. The Tao demands nothing of others. The Tao is not Jewish.
• Breathe in. Breathe out. Breathe in. Breathe out. Forget this and attaining Enlightenment will be the least of your problems.
• Let your mind be as a floating cloud. Let your stillness be as a wooded glen. And sit up straight. You'll never meet the Buddha with such rounded shoulders.
• Deep inside you are ten thousand flowers. Each flower blossoms ten thousand times.
• Each blossom has ten thousand petals. You might want to see a specialist.
• Be aware of your body. Be aware of your perceptions. Keep in mind that not every physical sensation is a symptom of a terminal illness.
• The Torah says, Love your neighbor as yourself. The Buddha says, “there is no self”. So ... maybe we're off the hook?
• If there is no self, whose arthritis is this?
Finally, Susan provided us with insights into IT.
Harold the Computer Guy
I was having trouble with my computer. So I called Harold, the computer guy, to come over. Harold clicked a couple of buttons and solved the
problem. He gave me a bill for a minimum service call.
As he was walking away, I called after him, "So, what was wrong?"
He replied, "It was an 'ID ten T' error."
I didn't want to appear stupid, but I nonetheless inquired, "An ID ten T Error? What's that, in case I need to fix it again?"
Harold grinned. "Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?"
"No," I replied.
"Write it down," he said, "and I think you'll figure it out."
So I wrote it down.
I D 1 0 T
I used to like Harold...
Mike offered this
The Italian Grandmother … or Jewish … depending on your accent
An Italian grandmother is giving directions to her grown grandson who is coming to visit with his wife:
"You comma to de front door of the apartmenta.
I am inna apartmenta 301.
There issa bigga panel at the front door. With you elbow you pusha button 301.
I will Buzza you in. Come inside. … The elevator is on the right.
Get ina the elevator and with you elbow you pusha 3.
When you get out, I'ma on the left.
With you elbow, hit my doorbell."
"Grandma, that sounds easy, but why am I hitting all these buttons with my elbow"?
“What . . . . . . . . You coming empty handed ?”
From Ruth – sayings from the Jewish Buddha
• Be here now. Be someplace else later. Is that so complicated?
• Drink tea and nourish life; with the first sip, joy; with the second sip, satisfaction; with the third sip, peace; with the fourth, a nice Danish.
• Wherever you go, there you are. Your luggage is another story.
• Accept misfortune as a blessing. Do not wish for perfect health, or a life without problems. What would you talk about?
• There is no escaping karma. In a previous life, you never called, you never wrote, you never visited. And whose fault was that?
• Zen is not easy. It takes effort to attain nothingness. And then what do you have? Bupkis.
• The Tao does not speak. The Tao does not blame. The Tao does not take sides. The Tao has no expectations. The Tao demands nothing of others. The Tao is not Jewish.
• Breathe in. Breathe out. Breathe in. Breathe out. Forget this and attaining Enlightenment will be the least of your problems.
• Let your mind be as a floating cloud. Let your stillness be as a wooded glen. And sit up straight. You'll never meet the Buddha with such rounded shoulders.
• Deep inside you are ten thousand flowers. Each flower blossoms ten thousand times.
• Each blossom has ten thousand petals. You might want to see a specialist.
• Be aware of your body. Be aware of your perceptions. Keep in mind that not every physical sensation is a symptom of a terminal illness.
• The Torah says, Love your neighbor as yourself. The Buddha says, “there is no self”. So ... maybe we're off the hook?
• If there is no self, whose arthritis is this?
Finally, Susan provided us with insights into IT.
Harold the Computer Guy
I was having trouble with my computer. So I called Harold, the computer guy, to come over. Harold clicked a couple of buttons and solved the
problem. He gave me a bill for a minimum service call.
As he was walking away, I called after him, "So, what was wrong?"
He replied, "It was an 'ID ten T' error."
I didn't want to appear stupid, but I nonetheless inquired, "An ID ten T Error? What's that, in case I need to fix it again?"
Harold grinned. "Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?"
"No," I replied.
"Write it down," he said, "and I think you'll figure it out."
So I wrote it down.
I D 1 0 T
I used to like Harold...
Thursday, April 9, 2009
Easter JOW
It is Easter. That brings to mind some the things we associate with that spring time celebration─ Bunnies, Easter eggs, and above all chocolate. Never forget─ Money may talk but Chocolate sings.
Don’t blame me for the first joke. Pammy sent it to me.
A man was blissfully driving along the highway, when he saw the Easter Bunny hopping across the middle of the road. He swerved to avoid hitting the Bunny, but unfortunately the rabbit jumped in front of his car and was hit. The basket of eggs went flying all over the place.
The driver, being a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulled over to the side of the road, and got out to see what had become of the Bunny carrying the basket. Much to his dismay, the colorful Bunny was dead. The driver felt guilty and began to cry.
A woman driving down the same highway saw the man crying on the side of the road and pulled over. She stepped out of her car and asked the man what was wrong.
"I feel terrible," he explained, "I accidentally hit the Easter Bunny and killed it. There may not be an Easter because of me. What should I do?"
The woman told the man not to worry. She knew exactly what to do. She went to her car trunk, and pulled out a spray can. She walked over to the limp, dead Bunny, and sprayed the entire contents of the can onto the little furry animal.
Miraculously the Easter Bunny came to back life, jumped up, picked up the spilled eggs and candy, waved its paw at the two humans and hopped on down the road. 50 yards away the Easter Bunny stopped, turned around, waved and hopped on down the road another 50 yards, turned, waved, hopped another 50 yards and waved again!
The man was astonished. He said to the woman, "What in heaven's name is in your spray can? What was it that you sprayed on the Easter Bunny?"
The woman turned the can around so that the man could read the label.
It said: "Hair spray. Restores life to dead hair. Adds permanent wave."
The Rules of Chocolate
• If you get melted chocolate all over your hands, you're eating it too slowly.
• Chocolate covered raisins, cherries, orange slices and strawberries all count as fruit, so eat as many as you want.
• A nice box of chocolates can provide your total daily intake of calories in one place. Isn't that handy?
• If you can't eat all your chocolate, it will keep in the freezer. But if you can't eat all your chocolate, what is wrong with you?
• Chocolate has many preservatives. Preservatives keep you looking younger.
• Q. Why is there no such organization as Chocoholics Anonymous?
A. Because no one wants to quit.
• Put "eat chocolate" at the top of your list of things to do today. That way, at least you'll get one thing done.
• Chocolate is a health food. Chocolate is derived from cacao beans. Bean = vegetable. Sugar is derived either from sugar beets or cane, both vegetables. And, of course, the milk/cream is dairy. So eat more chocolate to meet the dietary requirements for daily vegetable and dairy intake.
The problem: How to get two pounds of chocolate home from the store in a hot car.
The solution: Eat it in the parking lot.
Good Idea: Finding Easter eggs on Easter.
Bad Idea: Finding Easter eggs on Christmas.
Alzheimer’s Advantage- You can hide your own Easter eggs.
Q. What do Easter Bunny helpers get for making a basket?
A. Two points, unless they are behind the three point line.
Finally, I am going to resort to some Easter-themed Knock Knock jokes.
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Ether.
Ether who?
Ether bunny.
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Anna.
Anna who?
Anna nother ether bunny.
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Juan.
Juan who?
Juan more ether bunny.
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Stella.
Stella who?
Stella nother ether bunny.
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Consumption.
Consumption who?
Consumption be done about all these ether bunnies?
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Orange.
Orange who?
Orange you glad it's not another ether bunny joke?
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Dewey
Dewey who?
Dewey have to read any more ether bunny jokes?
Well, no.
Don’t blame me for the first joke. Pammy sent it to me.
A man was blissfully driving along the highway, when he saw the Easter Bunny hopping across the middle of the road. He swerved to avoid hitting the Bunny, but unfortunately the rabbit jumped in front of his car and was hit. The basket of eggs went flying all over the place.
The driver, being a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulled over to the side of the road, and got out to see what had become of the Bunny carrying the basket. Much to his dismay, the colorful Bunny was dead. The driver felt guilty and began to cry.
A woman driving down the same highway saw the man crying on the side of the road and pulled over. She stepped out of her car and asked the man what was wrong.
"I feel terrible," he explained, "I accidentally hit the Easter Bunny and killed it. There may not be an Easter because of me. What should I do?"
The woman told the man not to worry. She knew exactly what to do. She went to her car trunk, and pulled out a spray can. She walked over to the limp, dead Bunny, and sprayed the entire contents of the can onto the little furry animal.
Miraculously the Easter Bunny came to back life, jumped up, picked up the spilled eggs and candy, waved its paw at the two humans and hopped on down the road. 50 yards away the Easter Bunny stopped, turned around, waved and hopped on down the road another 50 yards, turned, waved, hopped another 50 yards and waved again!
The man was astonished. He said to the woman, "What in heaven's name is in your spray can? What was it that you sprayed on the Easter Bunny?"
The woman turned the can around so that the man could read the label.
It said: "Hair spray. Restores life to dead hair. Adds permanent wave."
The Rules of Chocolate
• If you get melted chocolate all over your hands, you're eating it too slowly.
• Chocolate covered raisins, cherries, orange slices and strawberries all count as fruit, so eat as many as you want.
• A nice box of chocolates can provide your total daily intake of calories in one place. Isn't that handy?
• If you can't eat all your chocolate, it will keep in the freezer. But if you can't eat all your chocolate, what is wrong with you?
• Chocolate has many preservatives. Preservatives keep you looking younger.
• Q. Why is there no such organization as Chocoholics Anonymous?
A. Because no one wants to quit.
• Put "eat chocolate" at the top of your list of things to do today. That way, at least you'll get one thing done.
• Chocolate is a health food. Chocolate is derived from cacao beans. Bean = vegetable. Sugar is derived either from sugar beets or cane, both vegetables. And, of course, the milk/cream is dairy. So eat more chocolate to meet the dietary requirements for daily vegetable and dairy intake.
The problem: How to get two pounds of chocolate home from the store in a hot car.
The solution: Eat it in the parking lot.
Good Idea: Finding Easter eggs on Easter.
Bad Idea: Finding Easter eggs on Christmas.
Alzheimer’s Advantage- You can hide your own Easter eggs.
Q. What do Easter Bunny helpers get for making a basket?
A. Two points, unless they are behind the three point line.
Finally, I am going to resort to some Easter-themed Knock Knock jokes.
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Ether.
Ether who?
Ether bunny.
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Anna.
Anna who?
Anna nother ether bunny.
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Juan.
Juan who?
Juan more ether bunny.
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Stella.
Stella who?
Stella nother ether bunny.
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Consumption.
Consumption who?
Consumption be done about all these ether bunnies?
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Orange.
Orange who?
Orange you glad it's not another ether bunny joke?
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Dewey
Dewey who?
Dewey have to read any more ether bunny jokes?
Well, no.
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