Halloween-like JOW #736

It will be Halloween on Friday.  Halloween is a strange sort of a holiday.  Years ago it was just for kids, but as adults began to use it as an excuse for parties it has gained in popularity.  This is true of all the holidays in our culture, from Valentine’s Day to Mother’s Day.  Their value is in how much money people will spend on them.  It is hard to get people to drop a bundle on the Fourth of July or Labor Day; ah, but Halloween has decorations - second only to Christmas.  Halloween has always meant buying lots of candy.  And there is the additional cachet of costumes – and adults spend way more on costumes than they do for their kids.  I have been working at the Texas Renaissance Faire – believe me there are some really elaborate costumes of every sort there.  So we see Halloween now being pumped up by the marketing media even more than the Thanksgiving or New Year’s holidays. 

I did my best to provide some timely jokes but unfortunately I do not find very many Halloween jokes to be all that funny.  Most lean toward simplistic riddles and such.  Others are inappropriate such as this overly political one:

Kids can always tell what political party people belong to from their attitude toward trick or treaters.  Republicans tell the kids that if they are looking for a handout all the candy is on the roof and they should wait for it to trickle down.  Democrats want to take half the trick or treater’s candy and give it to kids who are not out trick or treating for themselves. 

Here are a few light Halloween bits to get started.

·         Can a spirit get busted for possession? 

·         And if a ghost is really frightened is it scared ‘sheetless’? 

·         Or does a ghost go to a party just for the ‘boos’?

·         Could the devil light a ‘match made in heaven’?

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Q: What’s the ratio of a pumpkin’s circumference to its diameter?
A: Pumpkin Pi (3.1415926535…)

……………………….

Farmer Smith was driving his tractor along the road with a trailer load of fertilizer.  Alex a little boy of nine was playing ball in his yard; he saw the farmer and asked:

'What've you got in your trailer?'
'Manure,' farmer Smith replied.

'What are you going to do with it?' asked Alex.
'Put it on my pumpkins,' answered the farmer.

Alex replied, 'You ought to come and eat with us, we put ice-cream on our pumpkin pie.'

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The UPS lady was delivering a new plastic skeleton to the doctor's office.  As she waited at the main desk Nora was aware that the waiting room full of patients was staring at her.  So she smiled and said," I am bringing him in to doctor Henderson." 

An old lady said sympathetically, "My dear!  Isn't it a bit late for the doctor?"

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County Community Burn Ordinances pertaining to recreational fires and burning of yard and household waste: All outdoor burning is prohibited in the City except for those parcels described in ordinance. Recreational fires are allowed, but not during the hours of 6:00 p.m. to 6:00 a.m.

At 8.00pm on October 31st two fire-fighters could see a fire in the back yard.  It was clearly in breach of the rule on burning leaves after dark.  One of the firemen knocked on the door, and they both waited each holding his helmet in their hand.  The little old woman opened the door and promptly dropping a bar of candy into each helmet.  She then told them, 'Aren't you boys are a little old for trick and treat, and closed the door'.  The fire-fighters left open mouthed.

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7 Signs That You Are Too Old For Trick or Treat

You have to choose a costume that won't dislodge your hairpiece.

Children say, 'Great Mick Jagger mask!'  But you're not wearing a mask.

You get out of breath climbing three steps and knocking at the door

You ask for high fiber candy.

You lose your false teeth apple bobbing.

You are the only 'ghost' with a Zimmer walker frame.

At the end of the evening, you have more restraining orders than treats.

+++++++++++++++

On another note, I don’t get apps – you know all the cool applications young people are using on their iPhones to  insulate themselves from the outside world.  I tried a few and did not get it.  Whenever I delete an app on my iPhone, the shaking icons make me feel like they're panicking over who's next to go. I mean I thought as a senior citizen Napster would be right up my alley; nope, it was not what I thought it was.  And why Angry Birds – I would prefer Early Birds.  And iPrunes for what is now my generation’s most common form of music.  And I wonder why are iPhone chargers not called Apple Juice?

Frankly, my iPhone screen is brighter than my future.  

And finally, is it true that they dig up Steve Jobs every year to give him an upgraded coffin?

Epidemic JOW #735

It seems the worst of the Ebola Crisis has faded.  I thought the best line so far was that the recommendation of the jet that flew an Ebola patient should be renamed the “Ebola Gay.”  (For younger readers who did not get that joke, look up ‘WWII atomic bomber’.)

The Nigerian government has announced that the Nigeria is now officially ‘Ebola free’.  “We are glad it is gone,” an unnamed official reported, “It was costing us a fortune in bribes.  Yes, there are still many sick people here, but they do not have the Ebola; definitely not Ebola.”

With no new cases in the US, the cable news outlets seemed bereft of something to talk about; they stared at one another for a bit and talked half-heartedly about the upcoming mid-term election. There was a rumor one of the Fox affiliates in LA was going to have a producer get into a car chase with the cops; they had the helicopter ready to go when they were saved by a the story of a  crazed woman stalker who got herself stuck in her would-be boyfriend’s chimney.

Now that the media frenzy/hysteria about Ebola has faded somewhat I thought I might do some medically themed jokes.  Enjoy.

==================

A redneck felt sick and decided to go to the doctor. The doctor examined him.

"I can't seem to find the problem, but I think it has something to do with alcohol."

"Well," said the redneck, "then I'll come back when you're sober.'

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

With a screech of brakes, an ambulance pulls up at the local casualty ward and an unconscious hippie is wheeled out on a gurney. The doctor questions his long-haired colleagues.

''So what is he on?'' asks the physician. ''Acid? Heroin?''

''No,'' replies one of the hippies, nervously thumbing his caftan. ''But we ran out of dope, so I skinned up a homemade spliff.''

''And what was in that?'' asks the doctor.

''Um, I kind of raided my girlfriend's spice rack.'' says the hippie. ''There was a bit of cumin, coriander, ground nuts, turmeric and a little paprika mixed with yogurt.''

''Well, that explains it,'' the doctor replies, looking at them gravely. ''This man is in a Korma.''

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The instructor in the Medical College exhibited a diagram.
         "The subject here limps," he explained, "because one leg is shorter than the other." He addressed one of the students:
       "Now, Mr. Snead, what would you do in such a case?"
 Young Snead pondered earnestly and replied with conviction:
      "I would probably limp, too."

=========================

 “Did you hear about the guy who lost his left arm and leg in a car accident?”

“Don’t worry, he’s all right now.”

……………………………………………..

A blond is having sharp pains in her side.

The doctor examines her and says, “You have acute appendicitis.”

Whimpering, the blond says, “that’s nice of you doc, but I’m here for medical advice.”

+++++++++++++++++++++++++

 Patient: Doctor, Doctor, I broke my arm in two places!
 Doctor: Stay out of them places!

……………….

A patient walks into a doctor's office and addresses the MD.  “Doctor, people ignore me.”
             Doctor: “Next!”

……………….

Doctor: Did you take those pills I gave you to improve your memory?
             Patient: What pills?

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 In Ireland there is a mental institution that every year picks two of its most improved patients and questions them. If they get the questions right they are free to leave. This year the two lucky patients were Patty and Mike. They were called down to the office and left there by the orderly. They were told to wait as the doctor got their files. The doctor came out and motioned for Patty to come in for her questioning.
             When Patty came into the office, she was instructed to sit in the seat across from the doctor. "Patty, you know the tradition of this institution so I imagine you know why you are here. You will be asked two questions, and if you get them right, you will be free to go. Do you understand all that you have been told?" said the doctor.

Patty nodded, and the doctor began to question her.
             The first question was this: "Patty, if I was to poke out one of your eyes, what would happen?"

"I would be half blind of course," Patty answered without much thought.

"What would happen if I poked out the other eye?"

"I would be completely blind," said Patty knowing that she had just gotten her freedom.     The doctor then sent her outside while he drew up the paperwork and accessed Mike's files.
            When Patty got into the waiting room however, she told Mike what the questions would be and what the correct answers were. The doctor calls in Mike and he followed the same procedure that he had with Patty. "Mike, the first question is what would happen if I cut off your ear?"

"I would be blind in one eye," he said remembering what he had been told.
      This received a perplexed look from the doctor but he just simply asks the other question so that he could figure out what the man was thinking. "Mike, what would happen if I cut off your other ear?"

"I would be completely blind," he answered with a smile as if he knew he had passed.
             “And why is that?”

            "My hat would fall down over my eyes."

And finally, Tor sent me a Priest's Retirement Speech

A Catholic priest was being honored at his retirement dinner after 25 years in the parish. A leading local politician and member of the congregation was chosen to make the presentation and to give a little speech at the dinner. However, he was delayed, so the Priest decided to say his own few words while they waited:

“I got my first impression of the parish from the very first confession I heard here. I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place. The very first person who entered my confessional told me he had stolen a television set and, when questioned by the police, was able to lie his way out of it. He had stolen money from his parents; embezzled from his employer, had an affair with his boss’s wife; had taken illegal drugs; he was a thoroughly corrupt person.  I was appalled that one person could do so many awful things. But as the days went on, I learned that my people were not all like that and I had, indeed, come to a fine parish full of good and loving people.”

Just as the Priest finished his talk, the politician arrived full of himself and unapologetic about being late. He immediately began to make the presentation and gave his talk:

“I’ll never forget the first day our parish Priest arrived,” said the politician. “In fact, I had the honor of being the first person to go to him for confession.”

Happy Birthday Navy JOW #743

Today is a special day: it is the 239^th birthday of the United States Navy, backbone of our nation’s defense.  On this date the Continental Congress approved a resolution to fit out two schooners to raid British shipping.  It was, in fact only after George Washington took it upon himself to authorize the ships that Congress followed suit.  As George himself put it, “Without an effective Navy our peoples can never be secured.”  Abraham Lincoln said that, “Though there were many battles and sacrifices, without the Navy the war could never have been won.”

Even Thomas Jefferson (who was never in the military) later in life admitted that, “The biggest mistake I made as president was in neglecting the backbone of our national defense - the United States Navy.”

By the way, I found those quotes on the internet so they must be true.  You can’t put anything on the internet if it isn’t true, can you.

So in honor or the founding of the world’s greatest navy, I offer you a few bits of (mostly) Navy related humor.

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A Sailor sent an e-mail to his wife, informing her that his ship would be returning from deployment a day early. Arriving home, he found his wife with another man. Upset, he stormed off and got a room at the Navy Lodge to decide what to do next. His thoughts were interrupted by a call from his mother-in-law.

“Bill” she said, “I checked with my daughter and, as I expected, there is a perfectly good explanation for this whole episode.”

“This I’ve got to hear,” the Sailor said.

“It was an honest mistake,” the mother-in -law said. ” She never got your e-mail!”

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Joe’s first military assignment was to a military induction center, and, because he was a good talker, they assigned him the duty of advising new recruits about the government benefits, especially the GI insurance to which they were entitled.

Before long the Captain in charge of the induction center began noticing that Bubba was getting a 99 percent sign-up for the top GI insurance.  This was odd, because it would cost these poor inductees nearly $30.00 per month more for their higher coverage than what the government was already granting. The Captain decided that he would sit in the back of the room and observe Joe’s sales pitch.

Joe stood up before his latest group of inductees and stated:

“If you have the normal GI insurance and go overseas and are killed, the government pays your beneficiary $6,000.”

“If you take out the supplemental GI insurance which will cost you an additional $30.00 per month, the government pays your beneficiary $200,000.”

“Now… Which bunch do you think they’re gonna send into combat first?”

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

A Navy man walks into a bar, gives the bartender a conspiratorial wink and says, “Quick, pour me a drink, before the trouble starts.” The bartender pours a drink and watches as the Sailor downs it in one gulp.

The Sailor slams the glass down on the bar and says, “Quick, give me another one before the trouble starts.”

The bartender pours another glass and the Sailor drinks it as quickly as he had the first. The Sailor pauses, lets out a belch and demands a third drink ‘before the trouble starts.’

After several rounds of this, the bartender says, “Look Sailor, you’ve been talking about trouble for ten minutes. Just when is this ‘trouble’ going to start?”

The sailor looks at the bartender and grins. “The trouble starts just as soon as you figure out that I don’t have any money.”

…………………………………………

One time during the underway watch the OOD decided to test a Chief Petty Officer's seamanship.
"Chief, what would you do if the forward watch fell off the side of the ship?"

"Easy, sir, I'd call 'Man Overboard' and follow the Man Overboard procedures."
"What would you do if an officer fell overboard?"

"Hmmm," The Chief said, "Which one, sir?"

Three fighter pilot jokes:

Q: How can you tell if there’s a fighter pilot at your party?

A: He’ll tell you.

Q: How can you tell when your date with a fighter pilot is half over?

A: He says, “But enough about me… Wanna hear about my plane?”

Q: What’s the difference between a jet engine and a fighter pilot?

A: A jet engine will stop whining when you shut the plane down.

================================

An old Chief and an old Gunny were sitting at the VFW arguing about who'd had the tougher career. "I did 30 years in the Corps," the Gunny declared proudly, "and fought in three of my country's wars. Fresh out of boot camp I hit the beach at Okinawa, clawed my way up the blood soaked sand, and eventually took out an entire enemy machine gun nest with a single grenade. "As a sergeant, I fought in Korea alongside General Mac Arthur. We pushed back the enemy inch by bloody inch all the way up to the Chinese border, always under a barrage of artillery and small arms fire. "Finally, as a gunny sergeant, I did three consecutive combat tours in Vietnam. We humped through the mud and razor grass for 14 hours a day, plagued by rain and mosquitoes, ducking under sniper fire all day and mortar fire all night. In a fire fight, we'd fire until our arms ached and our guns were empty, then we'd charge the enemy with bayonets!"
"Ah," said the Chief with a dismissive wave of his hand, "all shore duty, huh?”

**********************

The Master Chief noticed a new Seaman one day and barked at him to come into his office.
"What is your name?" was the first thing the Master Chief asked the new guy. "John," the new guy replied.
The Master Chief scowled, "Look, I don't know what kind of bleeding-heart, liberal pansy stuff they're teaching sailors in Boot camp today, but I don't call anyone by their first name. It breeds familiarity and that leads to a breakdown in authority. I refer to my Sailors by their last name only - Smith, Jones, Baker - that's all.
I am to be referred to only as 'Master Chief.'
Do I make myself clear?"
"Yes, Master Chief!"
"Good! Now that we got that straight, what is your last name?"
The new guy sighed and said, "Darling. My name is John Darling, Master Chief."
"Okay, John, the next thing I want to tell you is..."

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++

In the spring of 1957 a sailor went to pick up his date. When he goes to the front door, the girl's father answers and invites him in. "Carrie's not ready yet, so why don't you have a seat?"

"That's cool" says the sailor.

Carrie's father asks the sailor what they're planning to do.

The sailor replies politely that they will probably just go to the soda shop or a movie.

Carrie's father responds "why don't you two go out and screw? I hear all the kids are doing it."

Naturally, this comes as a quite a surprise to the young sailor - so he asks Carrie's Dad to repeat it.

"Yeah," says Carrie's father, "Carrie really likes to screw; she'll screw all night if we let her!"

Well, this just made the sailor's eyes light up, and his plan for the evening was beginning to look pretty good.

A few minutes later, Carrie comes downstairs in her little poodle skirt and announces that she's ready to go. Almost breathless with anticipation, the young sailor escorts his date out the front door.

About 20 minutes later, Carrie rushes back into the house, slams the door behind her, and screams at her father:

" DAMMIT DADDY! IT'S CALLED THE TWIST!!!"

And a couple of quick football jokes

If the Jacksonville Jaguars are known as the "Jags" and the Tampa Bay Buccaneers are known as the "Bucs," what does that make the Tennessee Titans?

And speaking of the Jaguars:

Three fans were bemoaning the sorry state of the Jaguars.

“I blame the general manager,” said the first fan. “If he signed better players, we’d be a great team.”

“I blame the players,” said the second fan. “If they made more of
an effort, we’d score some points.”

“I blame my parents,” said the third. “If I’d been born in Denver, I’d be supporting a decent team.”