The drought in Texas continues, but there are signs of it breaking up; there have even been some floods. In a mere 37 minutes, from 5:24 PM to 6:01 PM, Midland International Airport recorded more than twice the total amount of rain than had fallen during the previous 319 days, dating back to September 26, 2010. John Nielsen-Gammon, the Texas State Climatologist, cautioned that the 0.36″ of rain Midland received in 37 minutes yesterday was still not sufficient to break the drought.
“It’s a very good start,” he said. “And the additional hundredth we received an hour later was really the icing on the cake. Just twenty-two more “flooding events” like this one and Midland will be back up to normal precipitation for the year.”
Since it is still golfing season, I thought I would put in a few jokes about one of the few sports that has always escaped me; perhaps I should say that I have escaped – golf.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The schoolteacher was taking her first golfing lesson.
"Is the word spelt p-u-t or p-u-t-t"'' she asked the instructor.
"P-u-t-t is correct,'' he replied.
"Put means to place a thing where you want it. Putt means merely a vain attempt to do the same thing."
………………………………………..
A young man who was an avid golfer found himself with a few hours to spare one afternoon. He figured if he hurried and played very fast, he could get in nine holes before he had to head home. Just as he was about to tee off an old gentleman shuffled onto the tee and asked if he could accompany the young man as he was golfing alone. Not being able to say no, he allowed the old gent to join him.
To his surprise the old man played fairly quickly. He didn't hit the ball far, but plodded along consistently and didn't waste much time. Finally, they reached the 9th fairway and the young man found himself with a tough shot. There was a large pine tree right in front of his ball - and directly between his ball and the green.
After several minutes of debating how to hit the shot the old man finally said, "You know, when I was your age I'd hit the ball right over that tree."
With that challenge placed before him, the youngster swung hard, hit the ball up, right smack into the top of the tree trunk and it thudded back on the ground not a foot from where it had originally lay.
The old man offered one more comment, "Of course, when I was your age that pine tree was only three feet tall."
-------------------------------------
The room was full of pregnant women and their partners. The Lamaze class was in full swing. The instructor was teaching the women how to breathe properly, and informing the men how to give the necessary assurances at this stage of the plan.
"Ladies, exercise is good for you," announced the teacher. "Walking is especially beneficial. And, gentlemen, it wouldn't hurt you to take the time to go walking with your partner!"
The room was very quiet. Finally, a man in the middle of the group raised his hand.
"Yes" asked the instructor.
"Is it all right if she carries a golf bag while we walk?"
Martha send me these immutable Golf Laws
________________________________________
LAW 1:
No matter how bad your last shot was, you should have Inner Peace knowing that a worse one is yet to come. This law does not expire on the 18th hole, since it has the supernatural tendency to extend over the course of a tournament, a summer and, eventually, a lifetime.
LAW 2:
Your best round of golf will be followed almost immediately by your worst round ever. The probability of the latter increases with the number of
people you tell about the former.
LAW 3:
Brand new golf balls are water-magnetic. Though this cannot be proven in the lab, it is a known fact that the more expensive the golf ball, the greater its attraction to water. Expensive clubs have been known to be partly made with this most unusual natural alloy.
LAW 4:
Golf balls never bounce off of trees back into play. If one does, the tree is breaking a law of the universe and should be cut down.
LAW 5
The higher a golfer's handicap, the more qualified he deems himself as an instructor.
LAW 6
A golfer behind you who hits his ball into your group will always be bigger than anyone in your group. Likewise, a group you accidentally hit into will consist of a football player, a professional wrestler, a convicted murderer and an IRS agent -- or some similar combination.
LAW 7:
Golf balls from the same box tend to follow one another, particularly out of bounds or into the water. See LAW 3.
LAW 8
The last three holes of a round will automatically adjust your score to what it really should be.
LAW 9
Golf should be given up at least monthly.
LAW 10:
All vows taken on a golf course shall be valid only until sunset.
LAW 11:
Since bad shots come in groups of three, your fourth consecutive bad shot is really the beginning of the next group of three.
LAW 12:
It's surprisingly easy to hole a 50-foot putt when you're lying 8.
LAW 13:
Counting on your opponent to inform you when he breaks a rule is like expecting him to make fun of his own haircut.
LAW 14
Nonchalant putts count the same as chalant putts.
LAW 15:
The shortest distance between any two points on a golf course is a straight line that passes directly through the center of a very large tree.
LAW 16:
You can hit a 2-acre fairway 10% of the time, and a 2-inch branch 90% of the time.
Finally, my wise sister Dianne sent me these wise quotes for the JOW
<><>
I had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalogue: - 'No good in a bed, but fine against a wall.'
- Eleanor Roosevelt
<><>
Last week, I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have since been visited by her sister, and now wish to withdraw that statement..
- Mark Twain
<><>
The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending; and to have the two as close together as possible
- George Burns
<><>
Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people only once a year.
- Victor Borge
<><>
Be careful about reading health books.. You may die of a misprint.
- Mark Twain
<><>
By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
- Socrates
<><>
I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
- Groucho Marx
<><>
I have never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back.
- Zsa Zsa Gabor
<><>
Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat.
- Alex Levine
<><>
My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying.
- Rodney Dangerfield
<><>
Money can't buy you happiness ..... But it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery.
- Spike Milligan
<><>
Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was SHUT UP .
- Joe Namath
<><>
I don't feel old. I don't feel anything until noon. Then it's time for my nap.
- Bob Hope
<><>
I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it..
- W. C.. Fields
<><>
We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work its way through Congress.
- Will Rogers
<><>
Don't worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older, it will avoid you.
- Winston Churchill
<><>
Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty .. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out...
- Phyllis Diller
<><>
By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere.
- Billy Crystal
<><>
Tom
Tuesday, August 30, 2011
Monday, August 22, 2011
Hot Dry JOW
Most of you are aware that it has been hot and dry in Texas. We are used to the hot, but not like this. Past summers would sometimes feature a few days of 100 degree heat – every day this month has been hotter than that. We just set an all time record for most consecutive days over 100 and there is no relief in sight. This year will almost certainly be the hottest overall since records have been kept. What is worse is that it has been so dry. Fourth of July celebrations were cancelled because of the extreme drought; since that time we have had only one good rain, about an inch. This is not a place used to doing without water; watching all the big trees dying is just heartbreaking. Martha says that some of the churches have had to make adjustments because of the Big Dry. The Baptists now sprinkle, Methodists are spitting, the Presbyterians take rain checks, and the Catholics are turning wine into water.
First a few short jokes to set the tone.
Two weathermen each broke an arm and a leg in an accident; they called from the hospital about the four casts.
Martha also passed on a warning about ice as a public service:
Vodka over ice will ruin your kidneys. Rum over ice will ruin your liver. Whiskey over ice will ruin your heart. Gin with ice will ruin your brain. Coke with ice will ruin your teeth. Warn all your friends: lay off the ice!!
How dry is it here?
• It’s so dry here the all the fish have ticks.
• So dry the birds are building their nests out of barbed wire.
• It’s so dry the Red Cross has launched a wet blanket appeal.
• It’s so dry you’re only permitted to eat watermelon between 8pm and 8am.
• It’s so dry the government has announced a water pistol buy back scheme.
• It’s so dry, that the dogs are marking their territory with chalk lines.
• It’s so dry they’ve had to close two lanes at the swimming pool.
• It’s so dry the river only runs twice a week and then it just sort of jogs.
• It’s so dry we people go rafting on hand trucks.
As I said, it has also been hot
As George got out of the shower he said to his wife “Honey, it’s too darned hot to wear clothes today, what do you think the neighbors will say if I mow the lawn naked”.
“That I married you for your money”.
The weather was very hot and a man wanted desperately to take a dive in a nearby lake. He didn't bring his swimming trunks, but he was all alone. So he undressed and got into the water. After some delightful minutes of cool swimming, a pair of old ladies walked onto the shore in his direction. Very embarrassed he got out of the water and grabbed a bucket lying in the sand nearby. He held the bucket in front of his private parts and sighed with relief.
The ladies got nearby and looked at him. He felt awkward and wanted to move.
Then one of the ladies said: 'You know, I have a special gift, I can read minds.'
'Impossible', said the embarrassed man, 'You really know what I think?'
'Yes', the lady replied, 'Right now, I bet you think that the bucket you're holding has a bottom.'
…………………………………………………………
“I can’t believe it,” said the newcomer, “I’ve been in Houston for most of the summer and it’s been so hot and humid the whole time. When do you have breaks with periods of cool/dry conditions, as my parents told me happened in the early 2000’s?
“Well, that’s hard to say,” replied the local. “Last year, it was on a Wednesday.”
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
I hate this hot weather; I have to keep my windows closed because all my neighbor’s kids do is scream. I'm seriously considering letting them go.
==============================
Here is a little poem about Texas heat; it has been said that hell’s minions on earth get hardship pay for having to endure a summer here.
The devil wanted a place on earth
Sort of a summer home
A place to spend his vacation
Whenever he wanted to roam.
So he picked out Texas
A place both wretched and rough
Where the climate was to his liking
And the cowboys hardened and tough.
He dried up the streams in the canyons
And ordered no rain to fall
He dried up the lakes in the valleys
Then baked and scorched it all.
Then he ordered the sun to shine hotter,
Hotter and hotter still.
Until even the cactus wilted
And the old horned lizard took ill.
Then he gazed on his earthly kingdom
As any creator would
He chuckled a little up his sleeve
And admitted that it was good.
It was summer and Satan lay
By a prickly pear to rest.
The sweat rolled off his swarthy brow
So he took off his coat and vest.
"By Golly," he finally panted,
"I did my job too well,
I'm going back to where I came from,
Texas is hotter than Hell.
Finally on a totally unrelated note here is some wisdom passed on by my friend Dick
• If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.
• Accept the fact that some days you're the pigeon, and some days you're the statue!
• Always keep your words soft and sweet, just in case you have to eat them.
• Always read stuff that will make you look good if you die in the middle of it.
• If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it..
• It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.
• Never buy a car you can't push.
• Never put both feet in your mouth at the same time, because then you won't have a leg to stand on.
• Since it's the early worm that gets eaten by the bird, so sleep late.
• And remember, the second mouse gets the cheese.
• When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
• Birthdays are good for you. The more you have, the longer you live.
• You may be only one person in the world, but you may also be the world to one person.
• Some mistakes are too much fun to make only once.
• We could learn a lot from crayons. Some are sharp, some are pretty and some are dull. Some have weird names and all are different colors, but they all have to live in the same box.
• A truly happy person is one who can enjoy the scenery on a detour.
Tom
First a few short jokes to set the tone.
Two weathermen each broke an arm and a leg in an accident; they called from the hospital about the four casts.
Martha also passed on a warning about ice as a public service:
Vodka over ice will ruin your kidneys. Rum over ice will ruin your liver. Whiskey over ice will ruin your heart. Gin with ice will ruin your brain. Coke with ice will ruin your teeth. Warn all your friends: lay off the ice!!
How dry is it here?
• It’s so dry here the all the fish have ticks.
• So dry the birds are building their nests out of barbed wire.
• It’s so dry the Red Cross has launched a wet blanket appeal.
• It’s so dry you’re only permitted to eat watermelon between 8pm and 8am.
• It’s so dry the government has announced a water pistol buy back scheme.
• It’s so dry, that the dogs are marking their territory with chalk lines.
• It’s so dry they’ve had to close two lanes at the swimming pool.
• It’s so dry the river only runs twice a week and then it just sort of jogs.
• It’s so dry we people go rafting on hand trucks.
As I said, it has also been hot
As George got out of the shower he said to his wife “Honey, it’s too darned hot to wear clothes today, what do you think the neighbors will say if I mow the lawn naked”.
“That I married you for your money”.
The weather was very hot and a man wanted desperately to take a dive in a nearby lake. He didn't bring his swimming trunks, but he was all alone. So he undressed and got into the water. After some delightful minutes of cool swimming, a pair of old ladies walked onto the shore in his direction. Very embarrassed he got out of the water and grabbed a bucket lying in the sand nearby. He held the bucket in front of his private parts and sighed with relief.
The ladies got nearby and looked at him. He felt awkward and wanted to move.
Then one of the ladies said: 'You know, I have a special gift, I can read minds.'
'Impossible', said the embarrassed man, 'You really know what I think?'
'Yes', the lady replied, 'Right now, I bet you think that the bucket you're holding has a bottom.'
…………………………………………………………
“I can’t believe it,” said the newcomer, “I’ve been in Houston for most of the summer and it’s been so hot and humid the whole time. When do you have breaks with periods of cool/dry conditions, as my parents told me happened in the early 2000’s?
“Well, that’s hard to say,” replied the local. “Last year, it was on a Wednesday.”
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
I hate this hot weather; I have to keep my windows closed because all my neighbor’s kids do is scream. I'm seriously considering letting them go.
==============================
Here is a little poem about Texas heat; it has been said that hell’s minions on earth get hardship pay for having to endure a summer here.
The devil wanted a place on earth
Sort of a summer home
A place to spend his vacation
Whenever he wanted to roam.
So he picked out Texas
A place both wretched and rough
Where the climate was to his liking
And the cowboys hardened and tough.
He dried up the streams in the canyons
And ordered no rain to fall
He dried up the lakes in the valleys
Then baked and scorched it all.
Then he ordered the sun to shine hotter,
Hotter and hotter still.
Until even the cactus wilted
And the old horned lizard took ill.
Then he gazed on his earthly kingdom
As any creator would
He chuckled a little up his sleeve
And admitted that it was good.
It was summer and Satan lay
By a prickly pear to rest.
The sweat rolled off his swarthy brow
So he took off his coat and vest.
"By Golly," he finally panted,
"I did my job too well,
I'm going back to where I came from,
Texas is hotter than Hell.
Finally on a totally unrelated note here is some wisdom passed on by my friend Dick
• If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.
• Accept the fact that some days you're the pigeon, and some days you're the statue!
• Always keep your words soft and sweet, just in case you have to eat them.
• Always read stuff that will make you look good if you die in the middle of it.
• If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it..
• It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.
• Never buy a car you can't push.
• Never put both feet in your mouth at the same time, because then you won't have a leg to stand on.
• Since it's the early worm that gets eaten by the bird, so sleep late.
• And remember, the second mouse gets the cheese.
• When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
• Birthdays are good for you. The more you have, the longer you live.
• You may be only one person in the world, but you may also be the world to one person.
• Some mistakes are too much fun to make only once.
• We could learn a lot from crayons. Some are sharp, some are pretty and some are dull. Some have weird names and all are different colors, but they all have to live in the same box.
• A truly happy person is one who can enjoy the scenery on a detour.
Tom
Monday, August 15, 2011
Dog Days JOW
We are in the Dog Days of summer, and what a summer it has been – it is both the hottest and driest year here since they began keeping records. Whew! In recognition of these Dog Days (named for the Dog Star, Sirius) I am offering a few ‘shaggy dog’ jokes along with some quotes about dogs and a couple of semi-related other offerings. Enjoy, and remember, hydrate and use sunscreen (except for Nancy and Stephen – they live in Seattle).
Dog Quotes
• Did you ever walk into a room and forget why you walked in? I think that's how dogs spend their lives. Sue Murphy
• If there are no dogs in Heaven, then when I die I want to go where they went. Will Rogers
• I loathe people who keep mean dogs. They are cowards who haven't got the guts to bite people themselves. August Strindberg
• Outside of a dog, a book is probably man's best friend; inside of a dog, it's too dark to read. Groucho Marx
These shaggy dog jokes are better read aloud than read; try reading them out loud and see.
____________________
Once there was a circus that was without a doubt the best circus in the world because it boasted the best lion tamer in the world. He was spectacular, the lions would do whatever he said; the high point of course was that he would stick his head in a lion's mouth.
When the circus started losing money the owner started selling off animals and equipment to help meet expenses. He called the Lion Tamer into his office.
"I'd really like to keep you on, because you are our best act," the owner said. "But I've had to sell your lions because they cost too much to feed. Still, you're good, and we need you, so if you can come up with an act with what we have left, you've got a job."
"Well, I do need a job," the Lion Tamer said. "What animals do you have left?"
"Well, to tell you the truth," the owner said, "the only animal I have left is my faithful old Bassett hound. I'd never sell him!"
"I'll take him," said the Tamer.
So the Lion Tamer worked with the Bassett hound and taught him the entire lion act. The dog caught on right away, but there was a problem: no way was the Lion Tamer's head going to fit into the dog's mouth.
"My foot will fit," the Lion Tamer said, so he tried it, and sure enough the dog picked that up too.
Opening night, the Lion Tamer did the act with the Bassett hound, and the crowd loved it. They'd never seen anything like it before. At the end of the act, when the Lion Tamer put his foot into the dog's mouth, the crowd went wild.
"Encore, encore!" the crowd yelled.
Well, the Lion Tamer hadn't thought of an encore before, so he thought to himself, "If one foot is good, two is better."
So he stuck his other foot into the dog's mouth. Well, the two feet together are almost as big as the dog's head, so the dog was choking and gasping, and finally out of self-preservation, he clamped his jaws shut, biting off the Lion Tamer's legs at mid-calf.
And the moral of this story....?
Don't put all your legs in one Bassett.
-----------------------------
A mother dog gave birth to twins, whom she named In and Out.
One day In was out, so she asked Out, "Out go out and find In, In's out and I want him in; I've been looking for In outside for ages, I can't find In; he is out so go out find In and bring him in. I think In has been rolling in something rotten."
"What?" said Out.
"In's out, so Out go out find In and bring him in. I think In has been in something disgusting so go find In; I want In in, Out go out and bring In in, if you can find him."
So Out goes out to look for his brother In. Within seconds of leaving, he comes back with In in tow.
His mother asks "Out, how did you find In so quickly?"
He shrugged and replied:
"In stinkt."
++++++++++++++++++++++++
Once upon a time, there were 2 brothers, Simon and Garth Brown. They had a dog called Walter, and they loved to take the dog Walter to their Uncle Charlie's mansion at the edge of town.
But one day, as they arrived at the mansion, they were surprised to find that the gates were locked and they couldn't get in. Fortunately, just then, Uncle Charlie's tall chauffeur appeared at the mansion door and began walking toward the trio at the gates.
However, the dog Walter took a sudden dislike to the tall chauffeur, and began barking and growling, making a huge noise. Neighbors leaned out of the windows of their mansions (the dog really was making a lot of noise) and asked what the hubbub was; one of the neighbors replied:
"Simon and Garth's uncle's big chauffeur's troubled Walter."
………………………………………………..
A dog-related non-groaner
A man is taking a walk in Central park in New York. Suddenly he sees a little girl being attacked by a pit bull dog. He runs over and starts fighting with the dog. He succeeds in killing the dog and saving the girl's life.
A policeman who was watching the scene walks over and says, 'You are a hero, tomorrow you can read it in all the newspapers, 'Brave New Yorker saves the life of little girl'.
The man says, 'But I am not from New York.'
'Oh , then it will probably say, "Brave American saves life of little girl",' the policeman answers.
'But I am not exactly an American,' says the man.
'Oh, what are you then?'
'The man says: - 'Well, originally I am from Iran.'
The next day the Fox ‘News’ leading story was: 'Islamic extremist kills American dog.'
+++++++++++++++++++
A non-dog groaner
A debt collector knocked on the door of a country family that made their living weaving cloth.
"Is Jack home?" he asked the woman who answered the door.
"I’m sorry," the woman replied. "Jack's gone for cotton."
A few weeks later the collector tried again. "Is Jack here today?"
Once again the answer was "No, sir, I'm afraid he has gone for cotton."
When he returned for the third time and Jack was still nowhere to be seen, he complained, "I suppose Jack is gone for cotton again?"
"No," the woman answered solemnly, "Jack died yesterday."
Suspicious that he was being avoided, the collector decided to wait a week and investigate the cemetery himself. But sure enough, there was poor Jack's tombstone, with this inscription: ...
"Gone, But Not for Cotton."
And in conclusion here is a famous personal ad in the Atlanta Constitution
SINGLE BLACK FEMALE seeks male companionship, ethnicity unimportant. I'm a very good looking girl who LOVES to play. I love long walks in the woods, riding in your pickup truck, hunting, camping and fishing trips, cozy winter nights lying by the fire. Candlelight dinners will have me eating out of your hand. Rub me the right way and watch me respond. I'll be at the front door when you get home from work wearing only what nature gave me. Kiss me and I'm yours. Call (404) 874-7421 and ask for Petra.
Over 10,000 men found themselves talking to the Atlanta Humane Society about a black Labrador puppy.
Tom
Dog Quotes
• Did you ever walk into a room and forget why you walked in? I think that's how dogs spend their lives. Sue Murphy
• If there are no dogs in Heaven, then when I die I want to go where they went. Will Rogers
• I loathe people who keep mean dogs. They are cowards who haven't got the guts to bite people themselves. August Strindberg
• Outside of a dog, a book is probably man's best friend; inside of a dog, it's too dark to read. Groucho Marx
These shaggy dog jokes are better read aloud than read; try reading them out loud and see.
____________________
Once there was a circus that was without a doubt the best circus in the world because it boasted the best lion tamer in the world. He was spectacular, the lions would do whatever he said; the high point of course was that he would stick his head in a lion's mouth.
When the circus started losing money the owner started selling off animals and equipment to help meet expenses. He called the Lion Tamer into his office.
"I'd really like to keep you on, because you are our best act," the owner said. "But I've had to sell your lions because they cost too much to feed. Still, you're good, and we need you, so if you can come up with an act with what we have left, you've got a job."
"Well, I do need a job," the Lion Tamer said. "What animals do you have left?"
"Well, to tell you the truth," the owner said, "the only animal I have left is my faithful old Bassett hound. I'd never sell him!"
"I'll take him," said the Tamer.
So the Lion Tamer worked with the Bassett hound and taught him the entire lion act. The dog caught on right away, but there was a problem: no way was the Lion Tamer's head going to fit into the dog's mouth.
"My foot will fit," the Lion Tamer said, so he tried it, and sure enough the dog picked that up too.
Opening night, the Lion Tamer did the act with the Bassett hound, and the crowd loved it. They'd never seen anything like it before. At the end of the act, when the Lion Tamer put his foot into the dog's mouth, the crowd went wild.
"Encore, encore!" the crowd yelled.
Well, the Lion Tamer hadn't thought of an encore before, so he thought to himself, "If one foot is good, two is better."
So he stuck his other foot into the dog's mouth. Well, the two feet together are almost as big as the dog's head, so the dog was choking and gasping, and finally out of self-preservation, he clamped his jaws shut, biting off the Lion Tamer's legs at mid-calf.
And the moral of this story....?
Don't put all your legs in one Bassett.
-----------------------------
A mother dog gave birth to twins, whom she named In and Out.
One day In was out, so she asked Out, "Out go out and find In, In's out and I want him in; I've been looking for In outside for ages, I can't find In; he is out so go out find In and bring him in. I think In has been rolling in something rotten."
"What?" said Out.
"In's out, so Out go out find In and bring him in. I think In has been in something disgusting so go find In; I want In in, Out go out and bring In in, if you can find him."
So Out goes out to look for his brother In. Within seconds of leaving, he comes back with In in tow.
His mother asks "Out, how did you find In so quickly?"
He shrugged and replied:
"In stinkt."
++++++++++++++++++++++++
Once upon a time, there were 2 brothers, Simon and Garth Brown. They had a dog called Walter, and they loved to take the dog Walter to their Uncle Charlie's mansion at the edge of town.
But one day, as they arrived at the mansion, they were surprised to find that the gates were locked and they couldn't get in. Fortunately, just then, Uncle Charlie's tall chauffeur appeared at the mansion door and began walking toward the trio at the gates.
However, the dog Walter took a sudden dislike to the tall chauffeur, and began barking and growling, making a huge noise. Neighbors leaned out of the windows of their mansions (the dog really was making a lot of noise) and asked what the hubbub was; one of the neighbors replied:
"Simon and Garth's uncle's big chauffeur's troubled Walter."
………………………………………………..
A dog-related non-groaner
A man is taking a walk in Central park in New York. Suddenly he sees a little girl being attacked by a pit bull dog. He runs over and starts fighting with the dog. He succeeds in killing the dog and saving the girl's life.
A policeman who was watching the scene walks over and says, 'You are a hero, tomorrow you can read it in all the newspapers, 'Brave New Yorker saves the life of little girl'.
The man says, 'But I am not from New York.'
'Oh , then it will probably say, "Brave American saves life of little girl",' the policeman answers.
'But I am not exactly an American,' says the man.
'Oh, what are you then?'
'The man says: - 'Well, originally I am from Iran.'
The next day the Fox ‘News’ leading story was: 'Islamic extremist kills American dog.'
+++++++++++++++++++
A non-dog groaner
A debt collector knocked on the door of a country family that made their living weaving cloth.
"Is Jack home?" he asked the woman who answered the door.
"I’m sorry," the woman replied. "Jack's gone for cotton."
A few weeks later the collector tried again. "Is Jack here today?"
Once again the answer was "No, sir, I'm afraid he has gone for cotton."
When he returned for the third time and Jack was still nowhere to be seen, he complained, "I suppose Jack is gone for cotton again?"
"No," the woman answered solemnly, "Jack died yesterday."
Suspicious that he was being avoided, the collector decided to wait a week and investigate the cemetery himself. But sure enough, there was poor Jack's tombstone, with this inscription: ...
"Gone, But Not for Cotton."
And in conclusion here is a famous personal ad in the Atlanta Constitution
SINGLE BLACK FEMALE seeks male companionship, ethnicity unimportant. I'm a very good looking girl who LOVES to play. I love long walks in the woods, riding in your pickup truck, hunting, camping and fishing trips, cozy winter nights lying by the fire. Candlelight dinners will have me eating out of your hand. Rub me the right way and watch me respond. I'll be at the front door when you get home from work wearing only what nature gave me. Kiss me and I'm yours. Call (404) 874-7421 and ask for Petra.
Over 10,000 men found themselves talking to the Atlanta Humane Society about a black Labrador puppy.
Tom
Monday, August 8, 2011
Indebted JOW
It is tempting to write about how hot and dry it is here. May was hotter than usual, June the hottest ever recorded month of June, ditto July, and now we are about to set an all time record for most consecutive days over 100. They announced today that our average temperature for 2011is the warmest ever - all this during a drought where we have received less than a third or our normal rainfall. Everywhere you look you see dead and dying trees; big ones - both evergreen and deciduous. And we know there is another two months remaining before we can look for a cold front to give us some relief.
That said, I decided to write about money, well, specifically the lack of money. Money is not everything; just as long as you have VISA & MasterCard. Or if you are Congress, with the ability to borrow and print money whenever it will help you get elected. My JOW focus then is on the filthy euchre, and the lack of it.
+++++++++++++++++
Ernie took a lot of ribbing from his old buddies when he took a lively and flirtatious young woman as his wife. She was sitting in front of the makeup table wearing nothing but a robe preparing for a night out on the town with her husband when there was a knock at the door downstairs.
“Alice,” called out Ernie from the shower, “would you go see who that is?”
With a pout Alice wrapped her robe around herself and went to the door. Opening it she found Andy, one of Ernie’s old pals at the door.
Andy gaped most gratifyingly at her casual appearance. “Ummm….“ he mumbled before he was able to collect himself and ask, “Alice, what are you wearing under that robe?”
“Why nothing, Andy,” she replied mischievously.
“I will give you $400 if you open your robe and let me see,” offered Andy bringing out a wad of cash from his pocket and holding it out.
Alice pondered the offer, then, with a big grin, opened her robe, struck a brief pose and gave Andy a good look. Then, still smiling, she took the money out of Andy’s hand, closed her robe, and then closed the door on the grinning Andy.
As she came back into the bathroom thinking about how she would spend the unexpected windfall she had tucked in her robe pocket her husband asked her who was at the door.
“Oh, just Andy,” she casually replied.
“Oh, good,” replied Ernie, did he give you the $400 he owed me?”
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A vacuum sales man appeared at the door of an old lady's cottage and, without allowing the woman to speak, rushed into the living room and threw a large bag of dirt all over her clean carpet. He said, "If this new vacuum doesn't pick up every bit of this dirt then I'll eat it"
The woman replied, "Sir, if I had enough money to buy that thing, I would have paid my electricity bill before they cut it off. Now, what would you like a spoon or fork to take care of that dirt?"
----------------------------------------------------
Will Rogers, having paid too much income tax one year, tried in vain to claim a rebate. His numerous letters and queries remained unanswered. Eventually the form for the next year's return arrived. In the section marked "DEDUCTIONS," Rogers listed: "Bad debt, US Government -- $40,000.”
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
A couple of friends meet after a long time:
"I divorced my wife." One says.
"Really? How did you do it?"
"We hired a lawyer who helped divide the assets and stuff."
"What about the kids?"
"Well,...we've decided that whoever got more money would also take the kids."
"That sounds fair. And who got them?
"The lawyer."
………………………………………………..
While attending a convention, three psychiatrists take a walk. "People are always coming to us with their guilt and fears," one says, "but we have no one to go to with our own problems."
"Since we're all professionals," another suggests, "why don't we hear each other out right now?”
They agreed this was a good idea.
The first psychiatrist confesses, "I'm a compulsive gambler and I am deeply in debt, so I overbill my patients as often as I can.
“The second admits, "I have a drug problem that's out of control, and I frequently pressure my patients into buying illegal drugs for me.”
The third psychiatrist says, "I know it's wrong, but no matter how hard I try, I just can't keep a secret.”
Tom
That said, I decided to write about money, well, specifically the lack of money. Money is not everything; just as long as you have VISA & MasterCard. Or if you are Congress, with the ability to borrow and print money whenever it will help you get elected. My JOW focus then is on the filthy euchre, and the lack of it.
+++++++++++++++++
Ernie took a lot of ribbing from his old buddies when he took a lively and flirtatious young woman as his wife. She was sitting in front of the makeup table wearing nothing but a robe preparing for a night out on the town with her husband when there was a knock at the door downstairs.
“Alice,” called out Ernie from the shower, “would you go see who that is?”
With a pout Alice wrapped her robe around herself and went to the door. Opening it she found Andy, one of Ernie’s old pals at the door.
Andy gaped most gratifyingly at her casual appearance. “Ummm….“ he mumbled before he was able to collect himself and ask, “Alice, what are you wearing under that robe?”
“Why nothing, Andy,” she replied mischievously.
“I will give you $400 if you open your robe and let me see,” offered Andy bringing out a wad of cash from his pocket and holding it out.
Alice pondered the offer, then, with a big grin, opened her robe, struck a brief pose and gave Andy a good look. Then, still smiling, she took the money out of Andy’s hand, closed her robe, and then closed the door on the grinning Andy.
As she came back into the bathroom thinking about how she would spend the unexpected windfall she had tucked in her robe pocket her husband asked her who was at the door.
“Oh, just Andy,” she casually replied.
“Oh, good,” replied Ernie, did he give you the $400 he owed me?”
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A vacuum sales man appeared at the door of an old lady's cottage and, without allowing the woman to speak, rushed into the living room and threw a large bag of dirt all over her clean carpet. He said, "If this new vacuum doesn't pick up every bit of this dirt then I'll eat it"
The woman replied, "Sir, if I had enough money to buy that thing, I would have paid my electricity bill before they cut it off. Now, what would you like a spoon or fork to take care of that dirt?"
----------------------------------------------------
Will Rogers, having paid too much income tax one year, tried in vain to claim a rebate. His numerous letters and queries remained unanswered. Eventually the form for the next year's return arrived. In the section marked "DEDUCTIONS," Rogers listed: "Bad debt, US Government -- $40,000.”
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
A couple of friends meet after a long time:
"I divorced my wife." One says.
"Really? How did you do it?"
"We hired a lawyer who helped divide the assets and stuff."
"What about the kids?"
"Well,...we've decided that whoever got more money would also take the kids."
"That sounds fair. And who got them?
"The lawyer."
………………………………………………..
While attending a convention, three psychiatrists take a walk. "People are always coming to us with their guilt and fears," one says, "but we have no one to go to with our own problems."
"Since we're all professionals," another suggests, "why don't we hear each other out right now?”
They agreed this was a good idea.
The first psychiatrist confesses, "I'm a compulsive gambler and I am deeply in debt, so I overbill my patients as often as I can.
“The second admits, "I have a drug problem that's out of control, and I frequently pressure my patients into buying illegal drugs for me.”
The third psychiatrist says, "I know it's wrong, but no matter how hard I try, I just can't keep a secret.”
Tom
Tuesday, August 2, 2011
Politician's JOW
Almost all of Texas is enduring an exceptional drought. We had hope for some rain from Tropical Storm Don but he turned into a political-type storm: no nurturing rain just hot air. I was disappointed; not for myself, I have seen rain before, but for all the children here who haven’t.
My JOW has a political bent this week to mark the bumbling Congressional incompetents and their handling of the debt ceiling debacle. The biggest problem with political jokes is that so many of them get elected.
I hope you enjoy these politician-themed jokes and observations.
===================================
A bus load of politicians were driving down a country road, when all of a sudden, the bus ran off the road and crashed into a tree in an old farmer's field. The old farmer, after seeing what happened, went over to investigate. He then proceeded to dig a hole and bury the politicians.
A few days later, the local sheriff came out, saw the crashed bus, and asked the farmer where all the politicians had gone. The old farmer said he had buried them.
The sheriff then asked the old farmer, "Were they ALL dead?"
The old farmer replied, "Well, some of them said they weren't, but you know how them politicians lie."
Late one night in the capitol city a mugger wearing a ski mask jumped into the
path of a well-dressed man and stuck a gun in his ribs.
"Give me your money!" he demanded.
Indignant, the affluent man replied, "You can't do this - I'm a U.S. Congressman!"
"In that case," replied the robber, "give me MY money!"
……………………………………………
What is the difference between Capitalism and Socialism?
Capitalism is the exploitation of man by man. Socialism is the exact opposite.
++++++++++++++++++++++++
The word 'politics' is derived from the word 'poly', meaning 'many', and the word 'ticks', meaning 'blood sucking parasites'.
*********************
Here are a few memorable political quotes:
• 'You can fool all of the people all of the time if the advertising is right and the budget is big enough.' Joseph Levine
• 'Politics makes strange bedfellows rich'. Wayne Haisley
• 'In archaeology you uncover the unknown. In diplomacy you cover the known.'
Thomas Pickering
• On my arrival in the United States I was struck by the degree of ability among the governed and the lack of it among the governing.' Alexis de Toqueville
• When buying and selling are controlled by legislation, the first things to be bought and sold are legislators. PJ O'Rourke
Some actual Tea Party signs
“Keep Government out of my Medicare.”
“Don’t Steal from Medicare to support Socialized Medicine”
-------------------------
Poor Christine O’Donnell is a nice enough person but as a candidate she made fabulous fodder for the pundits.
• "Christine O'Donnell released a commercial in which she says, 'I'm not a witch.' That's pretty good, though not as effective as her opponent's slogan, 'I'm not Christine O'Donnell.'" —Jimmy Fallon
• "Today we found out that a third college Christine O'Donnell said she attended has no record of ever knowing her. I'm starting to wonder if she ever really went to Hogwarts." —Bill Maher
• "Delaware Senate candidate Christine O'Donnell said recently that Hollywood needs to re-evaluate what they're doing because movies these days are all filled with gay sex and extramarital affairs. And I thought, 'Have fun in Congress then.'" –Craig Ferguson
_______________________________
Jay Leno has been having a field day with the incompetent fools we have in Congress.
"Someone said President Obama was wrong for telling the American people to call their representatives about the debt ceiling. If there's one thing that congressmen hate, it's being told what to do by the people that put them there."
"Only 17% of Americans believe the country is headed in the right direction. Which makes me think it might be time for a woman President. At least a woman would stop and ask for directions."
"At a White House GOP meeting the other night, House Majority Whip Kevin McCarthy tried to inspire everyone by showing a clip from the movie, 'The Town'. Isn’t the best movie for Congress, 'Dumb and Dumber'?"
"A record 46 percent of Americans think Congress is 'corrupt.' The other 64 percent think Congress is 'extremely corrupt.'
There are only three ways Obama can win over the Republicans
1. Do something about the heat.
2. Put Chuck Norris on the nickel
3. Kill bin Laden again
Some of you may know that I am a real history buff. Here are some strange coincidences about Lincoln and Kennedy
Both the names Lincoln and Kennedy each contain seven letters.
Both were particularly concerned with civil rights.
Both their wives lost a child while living in the White House.
Both Presidents were shot on a Friday.
Both Presidents were shot in the head.
Both were assassinated by Southerners and were succeeded by Southerners named Johnson.
Both assassins were known by their three names composed of fifteen letters.
Booth and Oswald were shot before their trials.
Abraham Lincoln was elected to Congress in 1846.
John F Kennedy was elected to Congress in 1946.
Abraham Lincoln was elected President in 1860.
John F. Kennedy was elected President in 1960.
Lincoln's secretary was named Kennedy.
Kennedy's secretary was named Lincoln.
Andrew Johnson, who succeeded Lincoln, was born in 1808.
Lyndon Johnson, who succeeded Kennedy, was born in 1908.
John Wilkes Booth, who assassinated Lincoln, was born in 1839.
Lee Harvey Oswald, who assassinated Kennedy, was born in 1939.
Lincoln was shot at the theater named 'Kennedy.'
Kennedy was shot in a car called 'Lincoln.'
Booth ran from the theater and was caught in a warehouse.
Oswald ran from a warehouse and was caught in a theater.
A week before Lincoln was shot, he was in Monroe, Maryland.
A week before Kennedy was shot, he was in Marilyn Monroe.
Tom
My JOW has a political bent this week to mark the bumbling Congressional incompetents and their handling of the debt ceiling debacle. The biggest problem with political jokes is that so many of them get elected.
I hope you enjoy these politician-themed jokes and observations.
===================================
A bus load of politicians were driving down a country road, when all of a sudden, the bus ran off the road and crashed into a tree in an old farmer's field. The old farmer, after seeing what happened, went over to investigate. He then proceeded to dig a hole and bury the politicians.
A few days later, the local sheriff came out, saw the crashed bus, and asked the farmer where all the politicians had gone. The old farmer said he had buried them.
The sheriff then asked the old farmer, "Were they ALL dead?"
The old farmer replied, "Well, some of them said they weren't, but you know how them politicians lie."
Late one night in the capitol city a mugger wearing a ski mask jumped into the
path of a well-dressed man and stuck a gun in his ribs.
"Give me your money!" he demanded.
Indignant, the affluent man replied, "You can't do this - I'm a U.S. Congressman!"
"In that case," replied the robber, "give me MY money!"
……………………………………………
What is the difference between Capitalism and Socialism?
Capitalism is the exploitation of man by man. Socialism is the exact opposite.
++++++++++++++++++++++++
The word 'politics' is derived from the word 'poly', meaning 'many', and the word 'ticks', meaning 'blood sucking parasites'.
*********************
Here are a few memorable political quotes:
• 'You can fool all of the people all of the time if the advertising is right and the budget is big enough.' Joseph Levine
• 'Politics makes strange bedfellows rich'. Wayne Haisley
• 'In archaeology you uncover the unknown. In diplomacy you cover the known.'
Thomas Pickering
• On my arrival in the United States I was struck by the degree of ability among the governed and the lack of it among the governing.' Alexis de Toqueville
• When buying and selling are controlled by legislation, the first things to be bought and sold are legislators. PJ O'Rourke
Some actual Tea Party signs
“Keep Government out of my Medicare.”
“Don’t Steal from Medicare to support Socialized Medicine”
-------------------------
Poor Christine O’Donnell is a nice enough person but as a candidate she made fabulous fodder for the pundits.
• "Christine O'Donnell released a commercial in which she says, 'I'm not a witch.' That's pretty good, though not as effective as her opponent's slogan, 'I'm not Christine O'Donnell.'" —Jimmy Fallon
• "Today we found out that a third college Christine O'Donnell said she attended has no record of ever knowing her. I'm starting to wonder if she ever really went to Hogwarts." —Bill Maher
• "Delaware Senate candidate Christine O'Donnell said recently that Hollywood needs to re-evaluate what they're doing because movies these days are all filled with gay sex and extramarital affairs. And I thought, 'Have fun in Congress then.'" –Craig Ferguson
_______________________________
Jay Leno has been having a field day with the incompetent fools we have in Congress.
"Someone said President Obama was wrong for telling the American people to call their representatives about the debt ceiling. If there's one thing that congressmen hate, it's being told what to do by the people that put them there."
"Only 17% of Americans believe the country is headed in the right direction. Which makes me think it might be time for a woman President. At least a woman would stop and ask for directions."
"At a White House GOP meeting the other night, House Majority Whip Kevin McCarthy tried to inspire everyone by showing a clip from the movie, 'The Town'. Isn’t the best movie for Congress, 'Dumb and Dumber'?"
"A record 46 percent of Americans think Congress is 'corrupt.' The other 64 percent think Congress is 'extremely corrupt.'
There are only three ways Obama can win over the Republicans
1. Do something about the heat.
2. Put Chuck Norris on the nickel
3. Kill bin Laden again
Some of you may know that I am a real history buff. Here are some strange coincidences about Lincoln and Kennedy
Both the names Lincoln and Kennedy each contain seven letters.
Both were particularly concerned with civil rights.
Both their wives lost a child while living in the White House.
Both Presidents were shot on a Friday.
Both Presidents were shot in the head.
Both were assassinated by Southerners and were succeeded by Southerners named Johnson.
Both assassins were known by their three names composed of fifteen letters.
Booth and Oswald were shot before their trials.
Abraham Lincoln was elected to Congress in 1846.
John F Kennedy was elected to Congress in 1946.
Abraham Lincoln was elected President in 1860.
John F. Kennedy was elected President in 1960.
Lincoln's secretary was named Kennedy.
Kennedy's secretary was named Lincoln.
Andrew Johnson, who succeeded Lincoln, was born in 1808.
Lyndon Johnson, who succeeded Kennedy, was born in 1908.
John Wilkes Booth, who assassinated Lincoln, was born in 1839.
Lee Harvey Oswald, who assassinated Kennedy, was born in 1939.
Lincoln was shot at the theater named 'Kennedy.'
Kennedy was shot in a car called 'Lincoln.'
Booth ran from the theater and was caught in a warehouse.
Oswald ran from a warehouse and was caught in a theater.
A week before Lincoln was shot, he was in Monroe, Maryland.
A week before Kennedy was shot, he was in Marilyn Monroe.
Tom
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