What with Thanksgiving and all my JOW is based on mostly family stuff.
MaryEllen sent this one.
A little girl learned to read at a very early age. She was fascinated by the written word and read everything in the house. One day she asked her Mommy about the napkins she had found in the bathroom.
Embarrassed, her Mom told her those were “special napkins’ and so thought the matter was put to rest. That is until Thanksgiving. Imagine her mother’s surprise when she came to the Thanksgiving table with her family to the table and found every setting carefully set by her young daughter with the “special napkins.” Even the tapes had been pulled out to enclose the silverware.
So you see, there are sometimes disadvantages even to having a smart and thoughtful daughter.
==================
A little boy and his father are playing with toy cars, the father has the police car and pretends to pull over the car that the boy is playing with.
"Do you have a driver’s license?" asks the father.
"No," says the boy.
"Are you resisting arrest?" he asks.
The boy hesitates before he says, "No ... I'm not sleepy yet."
=================
After an overnight flight to meet my father at his latest military assignment, my mother wearily arrived at Rhein-Main Air Base in Germany with my six siblings and me - all under age 14. Collecting our many suitcases, the eight of us entered the cramped customs area.
A young customs official watched our entourage in disbelief, "Ma'am," he said, "do all these children and this luggage belong to you?"
"Yes, sir," my mother said with a sigh. "They're all mine."
The customs agent began his interrogation: "Ma'am, do you have any weapons, contraband or illegal drugs in your possession?"
"Sir," she calmly answered, "if I'd had any of those items, I would have used them by now."
The official allowed us to pass without opening a single suitcase.
================
A young woman brings home her fiancée to meet her parents. After dinner, her mother tells her father to find out about the young man. The father invites the fiancée to his study for a drink.
"So what are your plans?" the father asks the young man.
"I am in seminary," he replies, “I am going to be a preacher.”
"A preacher. Hmmm," the father says. "Admirable, but what will you do to provide a nice house for my daughter to live in, as she's accustomed to?"
"I will study," the young man replies, "and God will provide for us."
"And how will you buy her a beautiful engagement ring, such as she deserves?" asks the father.
"I will concentrate on my studies," the young man replies, "God will provide for us."
"And children?" asks the father. "How will you support children?"
"Don't worry, sir, God will provide," replies the fiancée.
The conversation proceeded like this for a while, the young idealist insists that God will provide.
Later, the mother asks, "How did it go, Honey?"
The father answers, "He has no job and no plans, but the good news is he thinks I'm God."
=================
At one point during a Little League game, the coach asked of his young players, "Do you understand what cooperation is? What a team is?"
The little boy nodded in the affirmative.
"Do you understand that what matters is the enjoyment of playing together?"
The little boy nodded yes.
"So," the coach continued, "when a strike is called, or you're out at first, you don't argue or curse or attack the umpire. Do you understand all that?"
Again the little boy nodded.
"Good," said the coach. "Now go over there and explain it to your mother."
Tom
Tuesday, November 25, 2008
Wednesday, November 19, 2008
Knock Knock JOW #430
“Knock Knock” jokes get no respect. Just because most of us outgrew them in elementary school we tend to denigrate them to a level below that of a pun. Well, some of them are funny. So to make sure you find one that is funny to you I am giving you all a bunch of them. There are some other bits below the Knockers so if you are too sophisticated for them, just skip on down.
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Aardvark!
Aardvark who?
(singing) Aardvark a hundred miles for one of your smiles!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Abe!
Abe who?
Abe C D E F G H...!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Adair!
Adair who?
Adair once but I'm bald now!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Alaska!
Alaska who?
Alaska my friend the question then!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Al!
Al who?
Al give you a kiss if you open this door!
Knock Knock
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Joanna!
Joanna who!
Joanna big kiss?
Who's there?
Isabella!
Isabella who?
Isabella out of order!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Abbott!
Abbott who?
Abbott time you answered the door!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Ivana!
Ivana who?
Ivana be rich!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Joan!
Joan who!
Joan you remember me?
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Juno!
Juno who!
Juno what time it is!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Justin!
Justin who?
Justin time for tea!
Tom & Martha’s daughter is a physician which must be why they sent me what doctors thought of the financial bailout
The Allergists voted to scratch it, and the Dermatologists advised not to
make any rash moves.
The Gastroenterologists had sort of a gut feeling about it, but the
Neurologists thought the Administration had a lot of nerve, and the
Obstetricians felt they were all laboring under a misconception.
The Ophthalmologists considered the idea shortsighted; the Pathologists
yelled, 'Over my dead body!' while the Pediatricians said, 'Oh, Grow up!'
The Psychiatrists thought the whole idea was madness, the Radiologists
could see right through it, and the Surgeons decided to wash their hands
of the whole thing.
The Internists thought it was a bitter pill to swallow, and the Plastic
Surgeons said, 'This puts a whole new face on the matter.'
The Podiatrists thought it was a step forward, but the Urologists felt the
scheme wouldn't hold water.
The Anesthesiologists thought the whole idea was a gas, and the
Cardiologists didn't have the heart to say no.
In the end, the Proctologists left the decision up to some assholes in
Washington .
And finally, for Bil and Van—I know they are missing Arkansas
If we are going to have ‘Knock Knock’ jokes then I get to knock Arkansas
A guy from Arkansas passed away and left his entire estate to his beloved
widow, but she can't touch it till she's 14.
How do you know when you're staying in an Arkansas hotel? When you call the
front desk and say, "I got a leak in my sink," and the clerk replies, "Go
ahead."
How can you tell if an Arkansas redneck is married? There's dried tobacco
juice on both sides of his pickup truck.
Did you hear that they have raised the minimum drinking age in Arkansas to
32? It seems they want to keep alcohol out of the high schools.
What do they call reruns of "Hee Haw" in Arkansas? Documentaries.
An Arkansas State trooper pulls over a pickup on I-30 and says to the
driver, "Got any I.D.?"and the driver replies " 'Bout wut?"
Did you hear about the $3 million Arkansas State Lottery? (Come on- this is
funny!) The winner gets $3.00 a year for a million years.
The governor's mansion in Arkansas burned down! Yep. Pert' near took out the
whole trailer park. The library was a total loss too. Both books - poof! Up
in flames, and he hadn't even finished coloring one of them.
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Aardvark!
Aardvark who?
(singing) Aardvark a hundred miles for one of your smiles!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Abe!
Abe who?
Abe C D E F G H...!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Adair!
Adair who?
Adair once but I'm bald now!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Alaska!
Alaska who?
Alaska my friend the question then!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Al!
Al who?
Al give you a kiss if you open this door!
Knock Knock
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Joanna!
Joanna who!
Joanna big kiss?
Who's there?
Isabella!
Isabella who?
Isabella out of order!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Abbott!
Abbott who?
Abbott time you answered the door!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Ivana!
Ivana who?
Ivana be rich!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Joan!
Joan who!
Joan you remember me?
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Juno!
Juno who!
Juno what time it is!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Justin!
Justin who?
Justin time for tea!
Tom & Martha’s daughter is a physician which must be why they sent me what doctors thought of the financial bailout
The Allergists voted to scratch it, and the Dermatologists advised not to
make any rash moves.
The Gastroenterologists had sort of a gut feeling about it, but the
Neurologists thought the Administration had a lot of nerve, and the
Obstetricians felt they were all laboring under a misconception.
The Ophthalmologists considered the idea shortsighted; the Pathologists
yelled, 'Over my dead body!' while the Pediatricians said, 'Oh, Grow up!'
The Psychiatrists thought the whole idea was madness, the Radiologists
could see right through it, and the Surgeons decided to wash their hands
of the whole thing.
The Internists thought it was a bitter pill to swallow, and the Plastic
Surgeons said, 'This puts a whole new face on the matter.'
The Podiatrists thought it was a step forward, but the Urologists felt the
scheme wouldn't hold water.
The Anesthesiologists thought the whole idea was a gas, and the
Cardiologists didn't have the heart to say no.
In the end, the Proctologists left the decision up to some assholes in
Washington .
And finally, for Bil and Van—I know they are missing Arkansas
If we are going to have ‘Knock Knock’ jokes then I get to knock Arkansas
A guy from Arkansas passed away and left his entire estate to his beloved
widow, but she can't touch it till she's 14.
How do you know when you're staying in an Arkansas hotel? When you call the
front desk and say, "I got a leak in my sink," and the clerk replies, "Go
ahead."
How can you tell if an Arkansas redneck is married? There's dried tobacco
juice on both sides of his pickup truck.
Did you hear that they have raised the minimum drinking age in Arkansas to
32? It seems they want to keep alcohol out of the high schools.
What do they call reruns of "Hee Haw" in Arkansas? Documentaries.
An Arkansas State trooper pulls over a pickup on I-30 and says to the
driver, "Got any I.D.?"and the driver replies " 'Bout wut?"
Did you hear about the $3 million Arkansas State Lottery? (Come on- this is
funny!) The winner gets $3.00 a year for a million years.
The governor's mansion in Arkansas burned down! Yep. Pert' near took out the
whole trailer park. The library was a total loss too. Both books - poof! Up
in flames, and he hadn't even finished coloring one of them.
Tuesday, November 18, 2008
New Author JOW #429
The first copies of my new book, The New King, the exciting sequel to my first book, The Chronicles of Athan, are scheduled to arrive at my house tomorrow. In recognition of this event, I have a somewhat literary theme to my JOW this week.
I have been asked if there are any jokes in this book. Yes, of course there are. In fact much of the latter part of the book is a romantic comedy staring Zoe, the resourceful young woman who is ‘probably a respectable widow’. There is also a section that discusses “Why a dog is better than a man.”
Look for an email detailing more about how you can get a copy of this wonderful historical romance. Meanwhile, here are the jokes:
Here is a new breakthrough in entertainment technology.
Announcing the new Built-in Orderly Organized Knowledge device (BOOK).
It's a revolutionary breakthrough in technology: no wires, no electric circuits, no batteries, nothing to be connected or switched on. It's so easy to use even a child can operate it. Just lift its cover. Compact and portable, it can be used anywhere-even sitting in an armchair by the fire-yet it is powerful enough to hold as much information as a CD-ROM disk.
Here's how it works: Each BOOK is constructed of sequentially numbered sheets of paper (recyclable), each capable of holding thousands of bits of information. These pages are locked together with a custom-fit device called a binder which keeps the sheets in their correct sequence. By using both sides of each sheet, manufacturers are able to cut costs in half. Each sheet is scanned optically, registering information directly into your brain. A flick of the finger takes you to the next sheet. The BOOK may be taken up at any time and used by merely opening it. The "browse" feature allows you to move instantly to any sheet, and move forward or backward as you wish. Most come with an "index" feature, which pinpoints the exact location of any elected information for instant retrieval.
An optional "BOOKmark" accessory allows you to open the BOOK to the exact place you left it in a previous session-even if the BOOK has been closed. BOOKmarks fit universal design standards; thus a single BOOKmark can be used in BOOKs by various manufacturers.
Portable, durable and affordable, the BOOK is the entertainment wave of the future, and many new titles are expected soon, due to the surge in popularity of its programming tool, the Portable Erasable-Nib Cryptic Intercommunication Language Stylus...(PENCILS).
Not every one appreciates books:
TEACHER: Who is your favorite author?
PUPIL: George Washington.
TEACHER: But George Washington never wrote any books.
PUPIL: You got it.
And then there are the working parts of creating a book, such as dictionaries.
My sister gave me a really cheap dictionary for my birthday.
I couldn't find the words to thank her.
If you don't know what the word "dictionary" means,
where would you look it up?
And of course, a tribute to literary types
Q. How many editors does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A. Only one; but first they have to rewire the entire building.
Q. How many illustrators does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A. Does it HAVE to be a lightbulb?
Q. How many copyeditors does it take to change a lightbulb?
A. The last time this question was asked, it involved illustrators. Is the difference intentional? Should one or the other instance be changed? It seems inconsistent.
Q. How many new authors does it take to change lightbulb.
A. That’s not important; let me tell you about my new book!!
Q. How many science fiction writers does it take to change a light bulb?
A. Two, but it's actually the same person doing it. He went back in time and met himself in the doorway and then the first one sat on the other one's shoulder so that they were able to reach it. Then a major time paradox occurred and the entire room, light bulb, changer and all was blown out of existence. They co-existed in a parallel universe, though.
Q. How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A. Two. One to screw it almost all the way in, and the other to give it a surprising twist at the end.
Mary Ellen and Bil really banged on my punctuation (and each other). Punctuation is important. Just check out different meanings of this punctuation parable
Dear John,
I want a man who knows what love is all about. You are generous, kind, thoughtful. People who are not like you admit to being useless and inferior.
You have ruined me for other men. I yearn for you. I have no feelings whatsoever when we're apart. I can be forever happy - will you let me be yours?
Gloria
Dear John,
I want a man who knows what love is. All about you are generous, kind, thoughtful people, who are not like you. Admit to being useless and inferior.
You have ruined me. For other men, I yearn. For you, I have no feelings whatsoever. When we're apart, I can be forever happy. Will you let me be?
Yours,
Gloria
And finally,
A man was sent to Hell for his sins. As he was being processed, he passed a room where an editor he knew was having an intimate conversation with a beautiful woman.
"What a crummy deal!" The man complained. "I have to burn for all eternity and that editor spends it with that gorgeous woman."
An escorting demon jabs the man with his pitchfork and shouts, "Who are you to question that woman's punishment?"
I have been asked if there are any jokes in this book. Yes, of course there are. In fact much of the latter part of the book is a romantic comedy staring Zoe, the resourceful young woman who is ‘probably a respectable widow’. There is also a section that discusses “Why a dog is better than a man.”
Look for an email detailing more about how you can get a copy of this wonderful historical romance. Meanwhile, here are the jokes:
Here is a new breakthrough in entertainment technology.
Announcing the new Built-in Orderly Organized Knowledge device (BOOK).
It's a revolutionary breakthrough in technology: no wires, no electric circuits, no batteries, nothing to be connected or switched on. It's so easy to use even a child can operate it. Just lift its cover. Compact and portable, it can be used anywhere-even sitting in an armchair by the fire-yet it is powerful enough to hold as much information as a CD-ROM disk.
Here's how it works: Each BOOK is constructed of sequentially numbered sheets of paper (recyclable), each capable of holding thousands of bits of information. These pages are locked together with a custom-fit device called a binder which keeps the sheets in their correct sequence. By using both sides of each sheet, manufacturers are able to cut costs in half. Each sheet is scanned optically, registering information directly into your brain. A flick of the finger takes you to the next sheet. The BOOK may be taken up at any time and used by merely opening it. The "browse" feature allows you to move instantly to any sheet, and move forward or backward as you wish. Most come with an "index" feature, which pinpoints the exact location of any elected information for instant retrieval.
An optional "BOOKmark" accessory allows you to open the BOOK to the exact place you left it in a previous session-even if the BOOK has been closed. BOOKmarks fit universal design standards; thus a single BOOKmark can be used in BOOKs by various manufacturers.
Portable, durable and affordable, the BOOK is the entertainment wave of the future, and many new titles are expected soon, due to the surge in popularity of its programming tool, the Portable Erasable-Nib Cryptic Intercommunication Language Stylus...(PENCILS).
Not every one appreciates books:
TEACHER: Who is your favorite author?
PUPIL: George Washington.
TEACHER: But George Washington never wrote any books.
PUPIL: You got it.
And then there are the working parts of creating a book, such as dictionaries.
My sister gave me a really cheap dictionary for my birthday.
I couldn't find the words to thank her.
If you don't know what the word "dictionary" means,
where would you look it up?
And of course, a tribute to literary types
Q. How many editors does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A. Only one; but first they have to rewire the entire building.
Q. How many illustrators does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A. Does it HAVE to be a lightbulb?
Q. How many copyeditors does it take to change a lightbulb?
A. The last time this question was asked, it involved illustrators. Is the difference intentional? Should one or the other instance be changed? It seems inconsistent.
Q. How many new authors does it take to change lightbulb.
A. That’s not important; let me tell you about my new book!!
Q. How many science fiction writers does it take to change a light bulb?
A. Two, but it's actually the same person doing it. He went back in time and met himself in the doorway and then the first one sat on the other one's shoulder so that they were able to reach it. Then a major time paradox occurred and the entire room, light bulb, changer and all was blown out of existence. They co-existed in a parallel universe, though.
Q. How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A. Two. One to screw it almost all the way in, and the other to give it a surprising twist at the end.
Mary Ellen and Bil really banged on my punctuation (and each other). Punctuation is important. Just check out different meanings of this punctuation parable
Dear John,
I want a man who knows what love is all about. You are generous, kind, thoughtful. People who are not like you admit to being useless and inferior.
You have ruined me for other men. I yearn for you. I have no feelings whatsoever when we're apart. I can be forever happy - will you let me be yours?
Gloria
Dear John,
I want a man who knows what love is. All about you are generous, kind, thoughtful people, who are not like you. Admit to being useless and inferior.
You have ruined me. For other men, I yearn. For you, I have no feelings whatsoever. When we're apart, I can be forever happy. Will you let me be?
Yours,
Gloria
And finally,
A man was sent to Hell for his sins. As he was being processed, he passed a room where an editor he knew was having an intimate conversation with a beautiful woman.
"What a crummy deal!" The man complained. "I have to burn for all eternity and that editor spends it with that gorgeous woman."
An escorting demon jabs the man with his pitchfork and shouts, "Who are you to question that woman's punishment?"
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