Great Outdoors JOW #708

I have been pretty regular in getting my Jokes of the Week out over the years.   I have only missed four weeks since I started posting them on my blog back in 2008.  I will probably have to miss next week, however as I will be on the Appalachian Trail, backpacking with my friend David.  It is not that there will not be internet access – I just don’t want to carry a laptop.  Frankly, one of the blessings of a trip back to nature is that you can escape the omnipresent interconnectedness foisted upon our modern society. 

My jokes this week focus more or less on the Great Outdoors and our reactions to it. 

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A large, well established, Canadian lumber camp advertised that they were looking for a good lumberjack.
The very next day, a skinny little man showed up at the camp with his axe, and knocked on the head lumberjacks' door. The head lumberjack took one look at the little man and told him "get out of here".
"Just give me a chance to show you what I can do," said the skinny man.
"Okay, see that giant redwood over there?" said the lumberjack. "Take your axe and go cut it down."
The skinny man headed for the tree, and in five minutes he was back knocking on the lumberjack's door. "I cut the tree down," said the man.
The lumberjack couldn't believe his eyes and said, "Where did you get the skill to chop down trees like that?"
"In the Sahara Forest," replied the puny man.
"You mean the Sahara Desert," said the lumberjack.
The little man laughed and answered back, "Oh sure, that's what they call it now!"

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

A visitor to Glacier National Park in Montana attempted to lure a ground squirrel by dangling the keys out in front of the critter.  The squirrel popped out, grabbed the keys and ran down a hole with them.
The keys were never retrieved, a ranger cited the man for harassment of wildlife, and they had to call a locksmith to make new car keys.

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A camper at Long Pine Key in Everglades National Park decided to take a dip in the lake despite signs saying "No swimming--Danger--Alligators."  She swam to an island about 75 yards from the shore, then saw some alligators and refused to swim back.

"Didn't you see the signs?" asked the ranger who retrieved her in a canoe.

"Sure," she said, "but I didn't think they applied to me."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
 In 1993 a woman called 911 from the top of Half Dome using her cell phone.  According to dispatch, she reported: "Well, I'm at the top and I'm really tired."

The answering ranger asked if she felt sick.

 "No," she said, "I'm just really tired and I want my friends to drive to the base and pick me up."

The dispatcher explained that she would have to hike down the trail she had ascended.

The visitor replied, "But you don't understand, I'm really tired." 

What happened next?  

"It turned out we got really lucky," the ranger reported, “it seems her phone battery suddenly died."

********************

These are actual comments left on US Forest Service comment cards by
backpackers completing wilderness camping trips:

* "Escalators would help on steep uphill sections."

* "Instead of a permit system for hikers, the Forest Service needs to
reduce worldwide population growth to limit the number of visitors to wilderness."

* "Trails need to be wider so people can walk while holding hands."

* "Found a smouldering cigarette left by a horse."

* "Trails need to be reconstructed. Please avoid building trails that go
uphill."

* "Too many bugs and leeches and spiders and spider webs.  Please spray
the wilderness to rid the area of these pests."

* "Please pave the trails so they can be plowed of snow in the winter."

* "Chair lifts need to be in some places so that we can get to wonderful
views without having to hike to them."

* "Need more signs to keep area pristine."

* "A McDonald's would be nice at the trailhead."

* "The places where trails do not exist are not well marked."

* "Too many rocks in the mountains."

The National Parks also get their share of comments and questions by people who do not quite get the concept of wilderness.

Grand Canyon National Park:
Was this man-made?
Do you light it up at night?
I bought tickets for the elevator to the bottom--where is it?
Is the mule train air-conditioned?
So where are the faces of the presidents?

"Why did the Indians only build ruins?" 

Everglades National Park:

Are the alligators real?
Are the baby alligators for sale?
Where are all the rides?
What time does the two o'clock bus leave?

Mesa Verde National Park:
Did people build this, or did Indians?
Why did they build the ruins so close to the road?
Do you know of any undiscovered ruins?
What did they worship in the kivas--their own made-up religion?
Why did the Indians decide to live in Colorado?

Carlsbad Caverns National Park:
How much of the cave is underground?
So what's in the unexplored part of the cave?
Does it ever rain in here?
How many Ping-Pong balls would it take to fill this up?
So what is this--just a hole in the ground?

Yosemite National Park:
Where are the cages for the animals?
What time of year do you turn on Yosemite Falls?
What happened to the other half of Half Dome?
Can I get my picture taken with the carving of President Clinton?

Denali National Park:
What time do you feed the bears?
What's so wonderful about Wonder Lake?
Can you show me where yeti lives?
How often do you mow the tundra?
How much does Mount McKinley weigh?

"What time do they let the animals out in the park?" 

Yellowstone National Park:
Does Old Faithful erupt at night?
How do you turn it on?
When does the guy who turns it on get to sleep?
We had no trouble finding the park entrances, but where are the exits?

<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<< 

Having grown up in New York City, the city boy barely knew a cow from an ear of corn. Until, that is, he met and married a small town girl from Ohio. His first visit back to her home included going to a small country church.  He was trying real hard on the first Sunday to fit in...maybe too hard. With his wife sitting beside him in her childhood church he was asked by the pastor  to say something about himself.   

Trying to be honest, he began with, “I never saw a cow until I met my wife.”

Finally a non outdoors joke:

Looking over the log book kept by the computer support staff at my office, the IT manager noticed several entries stating the problem was PICNIC.  He asked one of the technicians what PICNIC meant. He explained  it meant..."Problem In Chair, Not In Computer."

Existentialist JOW #706

For no particular reason I decided to try to do some Jokes of the Week about existentialism.  This may seem a pointless or even ridiculous choice to some.  I can’t help it – I went to a fine liberal arts college and sometimes stuff (that word is a euphemism) like this just sort of floats up.

The Frenchman Jean Paul Sarte was a well known advocate (if that word could be used) for the philosophy of existentialism.  This philosophy in part claims that life is empty and meaningless; that that struggling was pointless since everything ended up inevitably in surrender and death.  (Come to think of it, that pretty well sums up French military history for the last couple hundred years.)  Sarte famously claimed that ‘Hell is other people,’ which is probably why no one ever invited him to dinner parties.   I guess existentialism is okay of you are into that Sarte of thing.

It is easy to mock existentialism - they think life is ridiculous; the rest of humanity holds that existentialism is what is ridiculous.  Fortunately, existentialism is such a ridiculous philosophy it will never be widely accepted.  Good thing, too.  Existentialists would like to add postscripts at the end of fairy tales that say ‘but, of course everyone goes into death alone.’ right after ‘and they all lived happily ever after,’

Or to put it another way, existentialists do it pointlessly.

Here is what a press release would be like in an existentialist world:

SCHAUMBURG, IL—In an ultimately futile act some have described as courageous and others have called a mere postponing of the inevitable, existentialist firefighter James Farber delayed three deaths Monday.

"I'm no hero," Farber said after rescuing the family from a house fire on the 2500 block of West Thacker Street, and prolonging for the time being their slow march toward oblivion. "Like any other man, I am thrown into this world, alone and terrified, to play a meaningless role in an empty life. In my case, that role happens to involve charging through towering blazes to pull helpless individuals from a sea of flames before they suffocate or are burnt alive."

While acknowledging that the Morgenstern family no longer has a home, authorities said it really makes no sense to bemoan this fact, as things like this happen every day, and it's no use trying to pretend that, in and of itself, existence is anything but a provisional circumstance over which we exert limited control.

Though the cause of the fire remains unknown, and can perhaps never truly be known, sources close to the investigation said that no foul play is suspected, only the haphazard, amoral processes inherent in nature itself.

"The house will be rebuilt, or perhaps it won't," Farber said of the destruction. "Perhaps an entirely new building will be built there, one that's not even a house. Or maybe it will remain a vacant lot, and a tree will grow there, and some day, long after I and everyone I know has died, young children will come here and play in its branches.  Or not."

++++++++++++++++++++++

If you asked an existential GPS where you were it would reply either, “Exactly where you should be.”  Or “You are here for no apparent reason.”

----------------------------

And then there was a single existential sock who asked, “Have you ever considered that maybe you’re the one who is lost?”

********************

Taking a long car trip with an existentialist family would be different.

Kid: “Dad, I have ennui.”

Father: “Well you should have made peace with the absurdity of human existence before you got in the car.”

·         Existential Angst: running young minds since 1938

Here are some words that do not exist – but should.

Defecately - A more dignified way to say "Shit Yeah!" so you don't sound uneducated in the presence of others.

Scoratorium - The purposeful avoidance of all forms of media or communication which might disclose the results of a sporting event...

Delazify - Prying one's fat butt off the couch to get stuff done.

Touron - A combination of a tourist and a moron.

Libidinous - Full of sexual lust, lustful, lewd, lascivious.

Brinksmanshit - When two or more parties have entered separate bathroom stalls at nearly the same time and deliberately delay moving...

Cousin Bil sent me some reasons why – “It is good to be a man.”

The garage is all ours.
Wedding plans take care of themselves.
Chocolate is just another snack.
We can never be pregnant.
We can wear a white T-shirt to a water park; actually we can wear NO shirt to a water park.
Car mechanics tell us the truth.
The world is our urinal.
We never have to drive to another gas station because the restroom is just too icky.
We don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
Wrinkles add character.
Wedding dress $5000. Tux rental-$100.
People never stare at our chest when you're talking to them.
New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle our feet.
Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
We know stuff about tanks.

A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.

We can open all our own jars.
If someone forgets to invite you to an event they can still be your friend.
Our underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack.
Three pairs of shoes are enough.
Everything on our face stays its original color.
The same hairstyle lasts for years, even decades.
We only have to shave our face and neck.
We can play with toys all our life.
One color for all seasons.
We can wear shorts no matter how our legs look.
We can 'do' our nails with a pocket knife.
We have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.

St. Paddy JOW #705

Today is St. Patrick’s Day, which, like Cinco de Mayo is mostly celebrated by people here in the US by immigrants or their descendents.   St. Paddy’s Day is most celebrated by wearing green and imbibing too much alcohol.  I'm not wearing green today, but I am wearing blue pants and a yellow shirt, so it’s pretty much the same thing.

People have been drinking at the local pub since this morning because, well, you can’t drink all day if you don’t start off first thing.  Alcohol may not solve your problems but neither will water or milk.  It’s okay to pretend to be Irish on St. Patrick’s Day… you pretend to by good on Christmas. 

I will start with an Irish toast that I like:
Here's to a long life and a merry one.

A quick death and an easy one.

A pretty girl and an honest one.

A cold beer and another one.

&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&

An Irishman, by the name of O'Malley proposed to his girl on St. Patrick's Day. He gave her a ring with a synthetic diamond. The excited young lass showed it to her father, a jeweler. He took one look at it and saw it wasn't real.
The young lass, on learning it wasn't real returned to her future husband. She protested vehemently about his cheapness.
'It was in honor of St. Patrick's Day, 'he smiled.
'I gave you a sham rock.'

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Murphy told Quinn that his wife was driving him to drink. Quinn thinks he's very lucky because his own wife makes him walk

===============================

'I had an accident opening a can of alphabet spaghetti this morning,' said Murphy.
'Were you injured?' inquired Seamus.
'No, but it could have spelled disaster,' concluded Murphy.

************************

Two Irish mothers, Kate and Lorna were talking about their sons.
Kate says, 'My Patrick is such a saint. He works hard, doesn't smoke, and he hasn't so much as looked at a woman in over two years.'
Lorna responds, 'Well, my Francis is a mighty good, too. Not only hasn't he not looked at a woman in over three years, but he hasn't touched a drop of liquor in all that time.'
'My word,' says Kate, 'You must be so proud.'
'I am,' announces Lorna, 'and when he's paroled next month, I'm going to throw him a big party.'

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Two Irishmen, Patrick Murphy and Shawn O'Brian grew up together and were lifelong friends. But alas, Patrick developed cancer, and was dying. While on his deathbed, Patrick called to his buddy, Shawn, "O'Brian, come 'ere. I 'ave a request for ye." Shawn walked to his friend's bedside and kneels.
"Shawny ole boy, we've been friends all our lives, and now I'm leaving 'ere. I 'ave one last request fir ye to do."
O'Brian burst into tears, "Anything Patrick, anything ye wish. It's done."
"Well, under me bed is a box containing a bottle of the finest whiskey in all of Ireland.  Bottled the year I was born it was. After I die, and they plant me in the ground, I want you to pour that fine whiskey over me grave so it might soak into me bones and I'll be able to enjoy it for all eternity."
O'Brian was overcome by the beauty and in the true Irish spirit of his friend's request, he asked, "Aye, tis a fine thing you ask of me, and I will pour the whiskey. But, might I strain it through me kidneys first?"

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

The Doctor was puzzled "I'm very sorry but I can't diagnose your trouble, Mahoney. I think it must be drink. "
"Don't worry about it Dr. Kelley, I'll come back when you're sober."

……………………………………….

His wife had been killed in an accident and the police were questioning Finnegan.
"Did she say anything before she died?" asked the sergeant.
"She spoke without interruption for about forty years," said the Irishman.

Cousin Bil ponders these things:

-Why do you have to 'put your two cents in'... but it's only a 'penny for your thoughts'? Where's that extra penny going to?
-Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?
-What disease did cured ham actually have?
-If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?
-Why are you IN a movie, but you're ON TV?
-Why is 'bra' singular and 'panties' plural?
-If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME crap, why didn't he just buy dinner?
-If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
-Did you know the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?
-Why did you just try singing the two songs above?
-Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will -have materialized?
-Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end on your first try?
-How do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light fixtures?
-Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always
manage to knock something else over?
-In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?
-How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?