First, some more shameless
commerce. I am having problems getting
people to go on Amazon and post a review my last book, The Old King. Here is a special offer. For anyone who will undertake to write a
review on Amazon of my book I will send a free electronic copy of The Old King. Okay, I will send you the code and website
where you can download it – but for free!
Just reply to me and I will send you your free copy of my latest
exciting book. If you want to check it
out, go to Amazon and search for Thos. Pinney.
Tom and Pat have been
helping me out with my jokes lately, so don’t blame me entirely for these.
A man working with a table
saw accidentally cut off all his fingers.
In the emergency room the
doctor told him. “Give me the fingers and I will try to reattach them.”
“But I don’t have the
fingers here.”
“Why didn’t you bring
them?”
“Doc, I couldn’t pick them
up!”
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
A woman was preparing to
celebrate her 81st birthday when she received a jury duty
notice. She called the clerk’s office to
remind them that she was exempt because of her age.
“You need to come in and
fill out the exemption forms,” the clerk told her.
“But I filled them out
last year.”
“You have to fill them out
every year.”
“Why? Do you think I am getting younger?”
-----------------------------
·
Writing of old
people, I remembered the joke about the couple that waited until they were 100
to get divorced. They wanted to wait until the kids had died.
·
And children, do
not make fun of your parents for their lack of computer skills. They taught you how to use a spoon.
·
A recent report
by a health doctor claimed that every piece of bacon you eat takes nine minutes
off your initial life span. Since I am
still around it is obvious that my initial life span must have been about 140
years or so.
·
Headline: Will
glass coffins be a success? Remains to be seen.
Some famous quotes:
John
Glenn...
As
I hurtled through space, one thought kept crossing my mind - every part of this
rocket was supplied by the lowest bidder.
Howard Hughes...
I'm
not a paranoid, deranged millionaire. Dammit, I'm a billionaire.
Old Italian proverb...
After
the game, the King and the pawn go into the same box.
Jeff
Foxworthy...
You
know you're a redneck if your home has wheels and your car doesn't.
Emo
Philips...
A
computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kickboxing.
Spike
Milligan...
The
best cure for Sea Sickness, is to sit under a tree.
Robin Hall...
Lawyers
believe a person is innocent until proven broke.
Jean Rostand...
Kill
one man and you're a murderer, kill a million and you're a conqueror.
Arnold
Schwarzenegger...
Having
more money doesn't make you happier. I have 50 million dollars but I'm just as
happy as when I had 48 million.
WH Auden...
We
are here on earth to do good unto others. What the others are here for, I have
no idea.
Johnny
Carson...
If
life were fair, Elvis would still be alive today and all the impersonators
would be dead.
George
Roberts...
The
first piece of luggage on the carousel never belongs to anyone.
Jonathan
Winters...
If
God had intended us to fly he would have made it easier to get to the airport.
Robert
Benchley...
I
have kleptomania, but when it gets bad, I take something for it.
And finaly a story passed
on by a man who is or may have been a lawyer:
The old guy began to tell
his story: “I was on the 5th hole and I had just hit a ball in the
water, I was having a miserable round.
Then I see this funny looking frog.
I take the 8 iron out of my bag to hit my next shot and, I swear, the
frog goes,
“Ribbit, 7 iron.”
“Well, after I got over my
shock I decided, what the heck, so I hit the 7 and the ball just cleared the
water and rolled right up on the green.
The 8 would have been in the water again. Well, I am no fool, so I pick up that frog
and the frog goes,”
“Ribbit, lucky frog.”
“So I keep that frog and
it keeps giving me good advice. I shot
my best round in years. So I finished up
and took that magic frog out and asked, what now frog?”
“Ribbit, Las Vegas.”
“So it is only a few hours
from LA to Vegas and so I say, why not?”
“I get there and check
into this nice place with the frog and then go down to the roulette table. Understand I had to keep the frog covered up
so no one would see me talking to the frog.
We get down there and the frog says,”
“Ribbit, all on 27.”
“So I am riding a streak
with the lucky frog and so I put down a big bet on number 27. Sure enough I was a winner! I took my winnings and go back up to the
room. ‘Frog, I says, I owe you big time.
What can I do for you?’ I’m
thinking it will want room service to bring up flies or something. Instead the frog says,”
“Ribbit, kiss me.”
“What could I do? I owned that frog a lot. So I bent over gave it a smack on the
lips. And *poof* that broke the
enchantment. Where there had once been a
frog was a beautiful 16 year old girl, wearing exactly what the frog had been
wearing – nothing.”
“And that, your honor, is
how that girl wound up in my room.”
