Male and Female JOW #702

I do appreciate the jokes sent to me by JOW readers.  I have several good ones this week, mostly dealing with men and women, a well fertilized field of humor. 

Enjoy -

Keith sent me a couple of very good ones this week:

While few of the traditional seder foods trace their origins as far back as matzoh, it should be noted that the lowly horseradish root also crossed the Red Sea with the fleeing Israelites.
As impoverished slaves, they had access to few vegetables, and the hard and woody horseradish was a household staple.
While most of the fleeing Israelites carried with them horseradish, there is a story told of one family where, while gathering up their few belongings, discovered that they had no horseradish left in their house. The wife sent her husband into the field to dig up a large horseradish root, but in the darkness and confusion, he unearthed a large ginger root by mistake.
The story continues that after forty years of wandering in the desert, the Israelites finally entered the Promised Land. But it was another year before the family with the ginger arrived to settle among the rest of the Israelites.
When asked where they had been, the matriarch of the family, now grown old, shrugged and answered, "My husband insisted on taking an alternate root."

______________________

Morris and Barbara lived on a cove at Gull Lake Alberta .

It was early winter and the lower portion of the cove had frozen over.

Alan asked Sandra if she would walk across the frozen part of the cove to the general store and get him some smokes and beer.

She asked him for some money, but he told her, "Nah, just put it on our tab.

Old man Stacey won't mind."

So Barbara, being the good wife walked across the ice, got the smokes and beer at the store and then walked back home across the cove.

When she got home with the items she said, "Morris, you always tell me not to run up the tab at Stacey's store.

Why didn't you just give me some money?"

Morris replied, "Well, Barbie, I didn't want to send you out there with my cash when I wasn't sure how thick the ice was!"

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Craig provided me with this one:

A guy walked into a crowded bar, waving his model 1911 Colt .45 caliber pistol with an eight round magazine, and yelled, "Who in here has been sleeping with my wife?"

A voice from the back of the bar yelled back, "You need more ammo."

&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&

One day, long ago, when a seamstress was sewing while sitting close to a river, her thimble fell into the river.

When she cried out, the Lord appeared and asked, "Why are you crying?"

The seamstress replied that her thimble had fallen into the water and that she needed the thimble to help her husband in making a living for the two of them.

The Lord went down into the water and reappeared with a golden thimble. "Is this your thimble?" the Lord asked.

The seamstress replied, "No."

The Lord again went down and came up with a silver thimble.

"Is this your thimble?" the Lord asked.

Again, the seamstress replied, "No."

The Lord went down again and came up with a wooden thimble.

"Is this your thimble?" the Lord asked.

The seamstress replied, "Yes."

The Lord was pleased with the woman's honesty and gave her all three thimbles to keep, and the seamstress went home happy.

Some time later, the seamstress was walking with her husband along the riverbank, and her husband fell into the river. When she cried out, The Lord again appeared and asked her, Why are you crying?" "Oh Lord, my husband has fallen into the water!"

The Lord went down into the water and came up with Channing Tatum. "Is this your husband?" the Lord asked.

"Yes," cried the seamstress.

The Lord was furious. "You lied! That is an untruth!"

The seamstress replied, "Oh, forgive me, my Lord. It is a misunderstanding. You see, if I had said 'no' to Mel Gibson, you would have come up with Tom Cruise. Then if I said 'no' to him, you would have come up with my husband. Had I then said 'yes,' you would have given me all three. Lord, I'm not in the best of health and would not be able to take care of all three husbands, so THAT'S why I said 'yes' to Channing Tatum."

The moral of this story is: Whenever a woman lies, it's for a good and honorable reason, and for the benefit of others.

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

One day The Lord came to Adam, and said, "I've got some good news and some bad news".
Adam said, "Well, give me the good news first."
The Lord explained, "I've got two new organs for you.  One is called a brain.  It will allow you to create new things, solve problems, and have intelligent conversations with Eve.  The other organ I have for you is called a penis.  It will give you great physical pleasure and allow you to reproduce your now intelligent life form and populate this planet.  Eve will be very happy that you now have this organ to give her children."
Adam, very excited, exclaimed, "These are indeed great gifts you have given to me.  What could possibly be bad news after such great tidings?"
The Lord looked upon Adam and said with great sorrow, "You will never be able to use these two gifts at the same time."

Finally some reflections on our pets:

DOGS:

·         Dogs spend all day sprawled on the most comfortable piece of furniture in the house.

·         They can hear a package of food opening half a block away, but don't hear you when you're in the same room.

·         They can look dumb and lovable all at the same time.

·         They growl when they are not happy.

·         When you want to play, they want to play.

·         When you want to be alone, they want to play.

·         They leave their toys everywhere.

·         They do disgusting things with their mouths and then try to give you a kiss.

·         They go right for your crotch as soon as they meet you.

CONCLUSION: Dogs are tiny men in hairy suits.

CATS

·         Cats do what they want, when they want.

·         They rarely listen to you.

·         They're totally unpredictable.

·         When you want to play they want to be left alone.

·         When you want to be alone, they want to play.

·         They expect you to cater to their every whim.

·         Once you bring a cat into your home everything that’s yours also belongs to the cat.

·         They're moody.

·         They don’t get along with other cats

·         They leave their hair everywhere.

·         They drive you nuts.

CONCLUSION: Cats are small women in fur coats.

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And finally, a bit of wordplay by Charlie:

I see, said the blind man, as he picked up his hammer and saw.

Yet another JoW #701

   The end of February marks the end of the cold here in east Texas.  I already have lovely flowers popping up in my front yard.  Here in Texas February is the season between Football and Crawdads.  Last week we had Valentine's Day or as my some of my bachelor friends call it Independence Day. 

Andreas liked my JOW about word without English equivalents.  He even provided me another one.

Fremdschämen (German) - to express (feigned) embarrassment/shame for someone else's stupidity/embarrassing actions/appearance

===========================

A high-school English teacher was well known for being a fair, but hard, grader. One day a student received a B minus on a theme paper. In hopes of bettering his grade and in the spirit of the valentine season, he sent her an extravagant heart-shaped box of chocolates with the pre-printed inscription: “BE MINE.” The following day, he received in return a valentine from the teacher. It read: “Thank you, but it’s still BE MINE-US.”

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A cowboy rides home to the ranch and finds that his house is burned to the ground, his horses have all been stolen, his livestock slaughtered, his dogs shot down, and his ranch hands murdered.

One man, barely alive, manages to gasp out before dying: "It. . .it. . .was Shanghai Pete."

Grief-stricken, the cowboy buries his his ranch hands and his dogs. He then drags all of the livestock to a pit and pushes them in, covering their corpses with lime. Rage begins to set in and the desire for revenge overwhelms him. He mounts his faithful horse and rides for town at a full gallop. Pulling up at the saloon in a cloud of dust, he jumps off his horse and collars the first person he sees. Grabbing him and shaking him, he screams in the man's face: "Do you know where Shanghai Pete can be found?!"

"In. . .in. . .the s-s-saloon!" Stammers the man.

The cowboy storms through the swinging doors and the saloon falls deathly silent. The cowboy scans the room from under the brim of his hat and says: "Which one of you low-life sonsabitches is Shanghai Pete, who burned down my house, stole my horses, killed all my livestock, shot down my dogs, and killed all my ranch hands?"

A man dressed in black, easily 6'8" tall and nearly as wide, turns from the bar with a gun in his hand. "I'm Shanghai Pete and I did all those things! So what!!?" he thundered.

“Ummm… Well, don’t do it again, okay?”

Some stupid riddles:

Q: How many sheep does it take to make one sweater?

A: Depends how well they can knit.

Q: I am the beginning of the end, and the end of time and space. I am essential to creation, and I surround every place. Who am I? 

A: The letter E.

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

Bingo Callers have pride in their work. And the best of them all was Gérard Leahey: Bingo Caller.
             He started this career innocently enough, when called upon in grade school to call the numbers in the bingo based game that is supposed to help kids with math. The teacher, who would usually call the numbers, had a sore throat. Gérard found that he could be charmingly entertaining while calling, without disrupting the flow of the game.
             Of course this was long forgotten after high school. He enrolled in an art history in college. While attending he chanced to be asked to help out at a charity fund raiser. The fund raiser, you guessed it, was a bingo and he provided the service of caller. He easily found his pace and it was generally agreed he was the best caller the regulars had ever heard. One octogenarian suggested he work weekends at the usual bingo hall she frequented.
              It turns out that good Bingo Callers are a sought after commodity. Your fair sized bingo halls pay a good buck for "talent." That - plus tips - and Gérard stumbled into a job that he thought at first would be merely jingle change. These weekends he would develop his timing, his patter, his clever tagline commentary "clickety-click, sixty-six" and the like. The proprietor asked him to work full time. Art history classes became history.
           After several long years Gérard became somewhat of a celebrity - at least in the small town in which he worked. He had stopped working weekends long ago in favor of the weekdays and some evenings which featured younger, more interactive crowds. Gérard was happy.
            So it is not without a bit of irony that what lead to Gérard's later difficulties occurred at a charity function at the very venue where his career was launched.  It was, however, a senior's function. While Gérard felt obliged to help out, he did not look forward it.
           And sure enough, his trademark quick style and his banter was met with shouts of, "Slow down, sonny!" and "Could you repeat that!" He was off his game. He was restless and bored. Between each numbers he had to wait, and wait, and wait while watching a sea of bobbing blue haired heads wave through the room. To keep his sanity between numbers he would fidget. He called one number, then grab the next (as was his custom) and while waiting to call the number in his hand he would toss the ball into the air and catch it in his shirt pocket... catch it behind his back... catch it in his teeth.
              It was with this last stunt that it happened. Just as he caught the ball in his teeth, a little old lady in the table just in front of him yelled, "BINGO!" with a force that startled him. He ulped, and swallowed the ball he had just deftly caught. With all the attention on the winner, no one had noticed. Gérard was not about to let such an incident affect his reputation, so he told no one. He confirmed the winner, finished his duties for the evening, collected his pay then quietly left.
           But later that evening it started: the nausea, the bloated feeling in his gut, the discomfort while going to the bathroom. It was too much. The next day he was a wreck.
          So he went to the emergency room. Not trusting doctor/patient confidentiality, Gérard described his symptoms but did not explain the incident. He was too embarrassed, to boot. The puzzled doctor took X-Rays. After examining them he said to Gérard,

               "You have the strangest tumor I've ever seen. But don't worry. It's B9."

*************************
Don’t blame me for my terrible jokes.  When I was a child my father attacked me with cameras; I still have flashbacks.

Fourtunate Teller JOW #700

This is JOW #700 so I feel it is time to do some administrate stuff.

Please feel free to forward or otherwise use my jokes and to suggest people to add to my list.  Just send me an email and I will add them to the list. 

Keith gave me the inspiration for my JOW topic with this:

(Note: There will be no jokes about striking a happy medium or a small medium at large in this JOW.)

(For some reason, wives tend to like this next joke........)

In a dark and hazy room, peering into a crystal ball, the Mystic delivered grave news:
"There's no easy way to tell you this, so I'll just be blunt. Prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a horrible death from an unknown toxin this year."
Visibly shaken, Virginia stared at the woman's lined face, then at the single flickering candle, then down at her hands.
She took a few deep breaths to compose herself and to stop her mind from racing. She simply had to know.
She met the Fortune Teller's gaze, steadied her voice and asked, "Will I be acquitted?"

++++++++++++++++++++++

A woman went to see a fortune teller.

“Five dollars a question,” the mystic said

"Five dollars for one question!" said the woman to the fortune teller."That's very expensive, isn't it?"

"Next!"

An agnostic prophet carrying a sign warning would probably have something like this:

“Something Armageddonish might or might not be near!”

***********************

Many hundreds of years ago a king went to see a fortune teller to see what she could predict about the future.

The fortune teller told the king that one of his wives would die that year. The king didn't believe her and went away laughing.

Later that year one of the king's wives died.

He remembered what the fortune teller had told him and decided that she had caused the death of his wife; that she had made it happen. He decided to put the seer to death.

He ordered that she be brought before him.

When she was before him he said to her, "A few months ago you predicted that one of my wives would die this year, and one of them has died. So you are a fortune teller. Now, tell me - when will you die?"

The fortune thought very carefully before answering, "I will die three days before you do, your majesty."

 ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

Pat was ambling at the Renaissance Faire when he decided to stop and sit at a Palm Reader's table.

Said the mysterious old woman, "For twenty dollars, I can read your past and future."

Pat readily agreed and the reader took one look at his open palm and said, “You are divorced father of two children.”

“Ha, that is easy; you can see I have no wedding ring.  And you are wrong.  I have three children.”

The fortune teller smiled at him.  “That is what YOU think. Further I can see that you have no girlfriend now."

"Well, that's true," admitted Pat.

"Oh my goodness, you are extremely lonely, aren't you?"

"Yes," Pat ruefully admitted. "Now that is interesting. Can you tell all of this from my love line?"

"Love line? No, from the calluses on your palm."

And for something entirely different: 

I love words.  In my research I keep coming up with words that other languages have that English lacks.  Here are some examples:

(Note: the JOW goes to a wide variety of well-educated people.  If one of you speaks the languages I use feel free to comment on the words below.)

Kummerspeck (German)
Excess weight gained from emotional overeating. Literally, grief bacon.

Shemomedjamo (Georgian)
You know when you’re really full, but your meal is just so delicious, you can’t stop eating it? The Georgians feel your pain. This word means, “I accidentally ate the whole thing."

Tartle (Scots)
The nearly onomatopoeic word for that panicky hesitation just before you have to introduce someone whose name you can't quite remember.

Backpfeifengesicht (German)
A face badly in need of a fist.

Iktsuarpok (Inuit)
You know that feeling of anticipation when you’re waiting for someone to show up at your house and you keep going outside to see if they’re there yet? This is the word for it.

Pelinti (Buli, Ghana)
Your friend bites into a piece of piping hot pizza, then opens his mouth and sort of tilts his head around while making an “aaaarrrahh” noise. The Ghanaians have a word for that. More specifically, it means “to move hot food around in your mouth.”

Greng-jai (Thai)
That feeling you get when you don't want someone to do something for you because it would be a pain for them.

Mencolek (Indonesian)
You know that old trick where you tap someone lightly on the opposite shoulder from behind to fool them? This is the Indonesian word for it.

Gigil (Filipino)
The urge to pinch or squeeze something that is irresistibly cute.

Yuputka (Ulwa)
A word made for walking in the woods at night, it’s the phantom sensation of something crawling on your skin.

Vybafnout (Czech)
A word tailor-made for annoying older brothers—it means to jump out and say boo.

Fremdschämen (German); Myötähäpeä (Finnish)
The kindler, gentler cousins of Schadenfreude, both these words mean something akin to "vicarious embarrassment.”

Lagom (Swedish)
Maybe Goldilocks was Swedish? This slippery little word is hard to define, but means something like, “Not too much, and not too little, but juuuuust right.”

Layogenic (Tagalog)
Remember in Clueless when Cher describes someone as “a full-on Monet…from far away, it’s OK, but up close it’s a big old mess”? That’s exactly what this word means.

Bakku-shan (Japanese)
Or there's this Japanese slang term, which describes the experience of seeing a woman who appears pretty from behind but not from the front.

Seigneur-terraces (French)
Coffee shop dwellers who sit at tables a long time but spend little money.

Ya’arburnee (Arabic)
This word is the hopeful declaration that you will die before someone you love deeply, because you cannot stand to live without them. Literally, may you bury me.

Pana Po’o (Hawaiian)
“Hmm, now where did I leave those keys?” he said, pana po’oing. It means to scratch your head in order to help you remember something you’ve forgotten.

Zeg (Georgian)
It means “the day after tomorrow.” OK, we do have "overmorrow" in English, but when was the last time someone used that?

Cafune (Brazilian Portuguese)
Leave it to the Brazilians to come up with a word for “tenderly running your fingers through your lover’s hair.”

Koi No Yokan (Japanese)
The sense upon first meeting a person that the two of you are going to fall in love.

Kaelling (Danish)
You know that woman who stands on her doorstep (or in line at the supermarket, or at the park, or in a restaurant) cursing at her children? The Danes know her, too.

Boketto (Japanese)
It’s nice to know that the Japanese think enough of the act of ‘gazing vacantly into the distance without thinking’ to give it a name.

L’esprit de l’escalier (French)
Literally, stairwell wit—a too-late retort thought of only after departure.

Packesel (German)
The packesel is the person who’s stuck carrying everyone else’s bags on a trip. Literally, a burro.

Hygge (Danish)
Denmark’s mantra, hygge is the pleasant, genial, and intimate feeling associated with sitting around a fire in the winter with close friends and philosophical gentlemen.

Cavoli Riscaldati (Italian)
The result of attempting to revive an unworkable relationship. Translates to "reheated cabbage."

Bilita Mpash (Bantu)
An amazing, wonderful dream. Not just a "good" dream; the opposite of a nightmare.

Luftmensch (Yiddish)
There are several Yiddish words to describe social misfits. This one is for an impractical dreamer with no business sense.

Schlemiel and schlimazel (Yiddish)
Someone prone to bad luck. Yiddish distinguishes between the schlemiel and schlimazel, whose fates would probably be grouped under those of the klutz in other languages. The schlemiel is the traditional maladroit, who spills his coffee; the schlimazel is the one on whom it's spilled.