Cruisin' JOW #1227

We have safely returned from out Transatlantic cruise and Portuguese idyll.  It was wonderful.  I mean, cruise ships are just floating buffets with an ocean view.  Of course, there is always the issue with that 26-hour trip home.  I am just now getting over the jet lag. 

Jet lag is like time travel sickness.  It’s like your body clock drunk dialing you.  Crossing time zones: Nature’s way of messing with your sleep schedule.

International travel observations:

Passport photos are really just bad selfies.

 

Passport photos: the face of regret.

 

Airport security: the most awkward dance party.

 

Overhead bins: a game of Tetris nobody wins.

 

Turbulence: nature’s way of checking if you’re paying attention.

 

Middle seats: where personal space goes to die.

 

Seat belts: because mid-air turbulence likes surprises.

 

Emergency exits: a pop quiz you never want to take.

 

If the airline loses your luggage, you can sue them. You will lose that case, too.

 

Signs in an English airport:

Keep calm and Carry On

Keep calm and Checked Luggage

 

When you have overweight luggage, it’s time to weigh your options.

 

What happens when you cross a snake and a plane?
You get a Boeing constrictor!

 

Passengers were trapped on a cruise ship on the ocean for five days.

On the bright side, it’s kind of what they paid for.

 

Souvenirs are just trophies for surviving tourists.

 

Tourists are just landmark paparazzi.

 

Which type of traveler is the calmest?
The No-mad.

 

I once took a Spanish class on a cruise ship. But I got lost at sí.

 

I’m not too good at geography, but I can name at least one city in France. That’s Nice.

 

When Canadians work on board cruise ships, they need to get a document from the Canadian government called a Seaman’s Discharge Book.  Which is useless because all the pages are stuck together.

 

Did you hear the latest trend is installing trampolines on cruise ships? Now everyone is jumping on board.

 

Where does Santa go on vacation?

Santa Cruz

 

What would you call the Bermuda triangle if it had four corners? The Bermuda Wreck-Tangle

 

A woman on a cruise asked the captain “How far is the closest land?”

“Three miles”, he answers.

“That’s not too bad, in which direction? she asked.

“Straight down.”

 

We called to make reservations in the dining room for 7 p.m. The cheery young hostess said, "I'm sorry, all we have is 6:45. Would you like that?"
"That's fine.”
"Okay," the woman confirmed. Then she added, "Just be advised you may have to wait 15 minutes for your table."

 

Okay, here are a few quick pirate jokes.

A pirate walks into a bar with a paper towel on his head.

The bartender asks, “Hey, what’s with the paper towel?”

The pirate says, “Argh, I’ve got a bounty on my head.”

 

How does a pirate walk his dog?

A pirate only walks the plank.

 

A pirate’s favorite letter? Not the RRRR.  A pirate only love is the C.

~~~~~

Two bankers were the only survivors when their cruise ship sank. They were both clinging to a single life preserver. One banker, knowing that his colleague couldn’t swim, says, “I think I can make it to shore to get help. Can you float alone?”

The other banker replies, “How can you talk business at a time like this?”

 

A Back to the Future joke:

"If I owned a DeLorean… I’d probably only drive it from time to time."

 

Mini-bar prices teach budget management.   They also allow you to see into the future and find out what a can of soda will cost in 2030.

 

On a golf tour in Ireland, a man drove is fancy BMW into a petrol station in a remote part of the Irish countryside.
The pump attendant who knew nothing of golf greeted him in a typical Irish manner.

Top of the mornin’ to yer, Sir,” says the attendant.

The golfer nods a quick “hello” and bends forward to pick up the nozzle.

As he does so, two tees fall from his shirt pocket onto the ground.

“What are dose? asks the attendant.

“They’re called tees,” replies replied the golfer.

“Well, what on the god’s earth are dey for?” inquires the Irishman.

“They’re for resting my balls on when I’m driving”.

“Fookin Jaysus”, says the Irishman, “BMW thinks of everything!

 

Two smokers are out on a cruise on a boat. They realize they are stuck in the middle of the sea without a lighter.
Smoker 1: What are we gonna do?
Smoker 2 proposes a solution, “I will throw one cigarette out of the boat into the water.”
Smoker 1 is confused, and smoker 2 tells him to observe. He throws a cigarette out into the sea.
The boat is now a cigarette lighter.

And finally, off topic.

A man cruises the countryside on his bike.

He was riding past a farm when the motor started to stutter and finally stopped. He tried to start the bike again but to no avail.
Scratching his head, he suddenly hears a voice coming from his right:
"I think the carburetor's broken..."
The man turns his head to see a cow, munching grass and looking at him.
As there's visibly no one else around, the man thinks he imagined the voice but looking back at the cow he now sees her addressing him:
"I tell you, man, the carburetor's crap on that model..."
Shocked by this first encounter with a talking cow, the man goes to the nearby farm and finds the farmer to which he introduces himself:
"Hi, I was just cruising around and my bike broke down. You'll find that crazy but a cow, the one over there, talked to me, she said... she said the problem was coming from the carburetor"
The farmer looks at him, takes a look at the cow, looks back at the biker and tells the man very seriously:
"Son, be real... it's a cow... don't listen to her.  She doesn't know jackshit about bikes."

The Parting JOW #1226

I have frequently mentioned that I send out my JOW’s regularly so if you do not receive one, please let me know.  Well, there will not be any more JOW’s in April.  Ruth and I are going on a Trans-Atlantic cruise with no contact available.  Yes, it is still possible to be out of touch with the world for a whole week.  Heck, I did it for months at a time while deployed.  While in Europe we will also be visiting some old friends in Portugal, so it will be a lengthy trip.

 

Baby changing stations are a hoax. Parents go in but come out with the same baby.

 

I saw a new apartment going up in my neighborhood. They call it Morning Wood.  I bet the rents are pretty stiff.

 

My latest fortune cookie read: You will be hungry again in one hour.

 

Nowadays one more for the road means peeing before you leave.

 

Aging may have slowed me down, but it hasn’t shut me up.

 

I watched a pigeon open his bill but made no sound.  It was a failed coo attempt.

 

You never see Polar Bears and penguins together in the wild.  They are polar opposites.

 

I love going outdoors.  It’s much easier than going outwindows.

 

Adam and Eve were the first people to not read the Apple term & conditions.

 

I talked about underwear for 30 seconds to a few friends.  It was a brief discussion.

 

Nancy Drew and the mysteriously light dime bag.

 

I think it’s disgraceful that after only 50 years people don’t know who Neal Armstrong was or what kind of trumpet he played.

 

I love to take a nap but that sounds so childish.  I prefer to call them ‘horizontal life pauses.’

 

I am getting tired of winter.  I can hardly wait to start complaining about the heat.

 

The Nudist camp is clothed for the winter.

 

I kicked an ice cube under the refrigeration, but it’s just water under the fridge.

 

Pushup bras: making mountains out of molehills for forty years.

 

Avoidable.  What a matador attempts to do.

How do you get down from an elephant?  You don’t.  You get down from a goose.

 

Cowboys used to put lanterns on the saddles of their horses to help them find their way in the dark.

It was the first saddle light navigation.

 

Some of you remember John Lennon’s wife Yoko Ono.  He produced several of her albums proving that love can be not only blind but deaf, too.

 

If I get something caught in my throat I dislodge it with a cold beer.  I call it the Heineken maneuver.

 

I hear that 90% of all electric cars are still on the road.  I guess that means that the other 10% made it home.

 

Little Johnny: "I'm not going back to school ever again!"

Mom: "Why not?"

Little Johnny: "The teacher doesn't know a thing; all she does is ask questions!"

 

Patient: ‘My siblings treat me like Lucy and Linus treat Charlie Brown’

Psychologist: ‘It appears you have analogy to Peanuts.’

 

A famous psychic was buying some clothes.

Clerk: “Try this one on.”

Psychic: “That shirt will be too small.”

Clerk: “You didn’t even try it on.”

Psychic: “I’m a medium.”

 

There are two types of people in the world:

Those that can extrapolate from incomplete data… 

There was a debate between the difference between weather and climate.  It easy.  You can’t weather a tree, but you can climb it.

A man gets mugged every 30 seconds in New York City

He is starting to get really fed up.

 

How can you tell if an ant is male or female?  They are female.  If they were male, they would be an uncle.

 

I was bitten by a venomous snake.

Fortunately, my uncle’s wife gave me a bunch of money, cookies, and gifts.

I was glad to have the auntie dote.

 

Advice for dealing with an angry woman:

Next time your woman gets mad at you drape a towel over her shoulders like a cape and tell her that now she is ‘super angry’.  That should work.

Of course, any time a woman gets mad at you just tell her to ‘calm down, you’re overreacting.’  That always works……

Or you can just retreat to a safe distance and toss her some chocolate.

 

Marriage is like a deck of cards.  You begin with hearts and a diamond.  And at the end you wish you had a club and a spade.

 

The pastor says alcohol is your enemy.

Jesus says love our enemy.

Case closed.

 

I wrote about Golden Oldies a few weeks back.  Here are some new titles for classics by some of our favorite artists.

 

Herman’s Hermits

Mrs. Brown, you’ve got a Lovely Walker

Ringo Starr

I Get By with a Little help from Depends

The Bee Gees

How Can you mend a broken hip?

Roberta Flack

The First Time Every I Forgot Your Face

Johnny Nash

I can’t see clearly now

Paul Simon

Fifty Ways to Lose your Liver

Commodores

Once, Twice, Three Times to the Bathroom

Procol Harum

A Whiter Shade of Hair

Leo Sayer

You Make me Feel Like Napping

The Temptations

Papa’s Got a Kidney Stone

Helen Reddy

I am Woman, Hear me Snore

Lesley Gore

It’s my Hormones and I’ll Cry if I Want To.

 

And a final shot about not pissing off an old guy.

A grizzled old man was eating in a truck stop when three tough bikers walked in.

The first walked up to the old man and pushed his cigarette into the old man's pie, and then he took a seat at the counter.
The second walked up to the old man and spit into the old man's milk, and then he took a seat at the counter.
The third walked up to the old man and turned over the old man's plate, and then he took a seat at the counter.
Without a word of protest, the old man quietly left the diner. One of the bikers said to the waitress, "Humph, not much of a man, was he?"
The waitress looking over his shoulder replied, "Not much of a truck driver, either. He just backed his truck over three motorcycles.”