Pachyderms and Asses JOW #837

There is almost constant discussion about the upcoming election.  I personally think the election will not even happen.  Why?  Think about it.  Before 8 November one of two things is certain to happen – either the city of Cleveland, AKA the ‘Mistake by the Lake’, AKA ‘Losertown USA’, will have championships in two major sports at the same time or the Cubs will have won the World Series.  Either of those events is a sign of the Apocalypse and the end of the world. 

However, in recognition of the electoral madness, I have some jokes about the two symbols of the major parties.  

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While on holiday in Kenya and walking through the bush a man comes across an elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seems distressed so the man approaches very carefully. He gets down on one knee and inspects the bottom of the elephant's foot only to find a large thorn deeply embedded. As carefully and as gently as he can he removes the thorn and the elephant gingerly puts its foot down. The elephant turns to face the man and with a rather stern look on its face, stares at him. For a good ten minutes the man stands frozen - thinking of nothing else but being trampled.

Eventually the elephant turns and walks away.

Years later the man is walking through the zoo with his son. As they approach the elephant enclosure, one of the elephants turns and walks over to where they are standing at the rail. It stares at him and the man can't help wondering if this is the same elephant. The man climbs tentatively over the railing and makes his way into the enclosure. He walks right up to the elephant and stares back in wonder. Suddenly the elephant wraps its trunk around one of the man's legs and swings him wildly back and forth along the railing, instantly killing him.

Probably not the same elephant.

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An elephant is drinking out of a river when he spots a turtle asleep on a log. The elephant ambles over and kicks the unsuspecting turtle clear across the river.
“Why did you do that?” asks a passing giraffe.
“Because I recognized it as the same turtle that took a nip out of my trunk 47 years ago.”
“Wow, what a memory!” says the giraffe.
“Yes,” says the elephant. “Turtle recall.

Here are some elephant riddles:

Q: Where do elephants with skin problems go?
A: Pachydermatologists.

Q: What do you get when you cross an elephant with a rhinoceros?
A: Eliphino

What do you call an elephant that doesn't matter? An irrelephant.
Q: What weighs 5,000 pounds and wears glass slippers?
A: Cinderelephant.

Q: Why do elephants drink so much?
A: To try to forget.

Q: How does an elephant get down from a tree?
A: He doesn’t! Even elephants know you get down from a goose!

Q: Oh, all right. How do elephants get out of trees?
A: They float down on the leaves between 4pm and 6pm.

Q: How does a programmer catch an elephant?
A: Fly to Cape Town and head east. When you reach the ocean, go north and slightly west. Keep repeating this until you see an elephant, then grab it.

Q: How does an experienced programmer catch an elephant?
A: The same way; but before you start, you place an elephant at Gibraltar, so you won’t fall into the Mediterranean if there are no elephants.

Q: What did the elephant say to a naked man?

A: Hey that thing is cute but can you breathe through it?

From Bill
The king wanted to go fishing. He called on the royal weather forecaster and inquired as to the weather forecast for the next few hours. The weatherman assured him that there was no chance of rain in the coming days.  So the king went fishing with his wife, the queen.

On the way he met a farmer on his donkey.  Upon seeing the king the farmer said, "Your Majesty, you should return to the palace! In just a short time I expect a huge amount of rain to fall in this area".  

The king was polite and considerate, he replied: "I hold the palace meteorologist in high regard.  He is an extensively educated and experienced professional.  And besides, I pay him very high wages.  He gave me a very different forecast.  I trust him." 

So the king continued on his way.  However, a short time later a torrential rain fell from the sky.  The King and Queen were totally soaked and their entourage chuckled upon seeing them in such a shameful condition.  Furious, the king returned to the palace and fired the professional.  Then he summoned the farmer and offered him the prestigious and high paying role of royal forecaster.
The farmer said, "Your Majesty, I do not know anything about forecasting.  I obtain my information from my donkey.  If I see my donkey's ears drooping, it means with certainty that it will rain."
So the king hired the donkey.  And thus began the practice of hiring dumb asses to work in the government and occupy its highest and most influential positions. 

And finally, another from Bill

"Since Valentine's Day is for a Christian saint and we're Jewish," little Thelma asked her father,

"Will God get mad at me for giving someone a valentine?”

 Thelma's father thinks a bit then says "No, I don't think God would get mad.  Who do you want to give a valentine to?" 

 "The whole ISIS group," she says.

"Why them," her father asks in shock? 

 "Well," she says, "I thought that if a little American Jewish girl could have enough love to give them a valentine, they might start to think that maybe we're not all bad, and maybe start loving people a little bit.  And if other kids saw what I did and then they sent valentines to them, they'd love everyone a lot.  And then they'd start going all over the place telling everyone how much they loved them and how they didn't hate anyone anymore."

Her father's heart swells and he looks at his daughter with new found pride.  "Thelma, that's the most wonderful thing I've ever heard."

"I know," Thelma says, "and once that gets them out in the open, the Marines could blow them up."

Sexy Grammar JOW #836

I noticed in the media was shocked, shocked, to discover that Hillary Clinton was disingenuous, often telling groups what they wanted to hear instead of what she believed and that Donald Trump was a coarse, womanizing jerk.  Like we have not known this for years. 

Here are a few jokes starting with some pretty racy (for JOW) jokes about grammar.

Glen sent me some more grammar jokes.

You can’t run though a campground.  You can only ‘ran’ because it’s past tense.

And why is sex so good while camping?  Because it is fuck’in in tents.

For the teenagers – “How to get laid? – Lay in bed.  Wait one hour. Lay becomes past tense.

And the difference between ‘than’ and ‘then’ is important; Example: ‘I’d rather be pissed off, then pissed on takes an entirely different context.

Irony is when someone writes ‘You’re punctuation is terrible.'

Bad grammar just makes me [sic]

Bill had some contributions some of which are included below.

Sign at a bar outside Texas A&M – “Education is important but Cold beer is importanter”

“No senior citizen discounts.  You’ve had twice as long to get the money.”

“Today’s special – Buy two drinks and pay for them.”

“Alcohol will not solve your problems.  But then neither does water or milk.”

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A Harley Biker is riding by the zoo in Washington, DC when he sees a little girl leaning into the lion's cage. Suddenly, the lion grabs her by the collar of her jacket and tries to pull her inside to slaughter her, under the eyes of her screaming parents. The biker jumps off his Harley, runs to the cage and hits the lion square on the nose with a powerful punch. Whimpering from the pain the lion jumps back letting go of the girl, and the biker brings the girl to her terrified parents, who thank him endlessly.

 A reporter has watched the whole event. The reporter addressing the Harley rider says, 'Sir, this was the most gallant and bravest thing I've seen a man do in my whole life.'

 The Harley rider replies, 'Nah, it was nothing, really. The lion was behind bars. I just saw this little kid in danger, and reacted.'

 The reporter says, 'Well, I'll make sure this won't go unnoticed. I'm a journalist, you know, and tomorrow's paper will have this story on the front page. So, tell me about yourself.

The biker replies "I'm a U.S. Marine, a Republican and I'm voting for Trump".

 The journalist leaves.

 The following morning the biker buys the paper to see if it indeed brings news of his actions, and reads, on the front page:

  U.S. MARINE ASSAULTS AFRICAN IMMIGRANT & STEALS HIS LUNCH 

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Ah, growing old, the mind says ‘Yes,” but the body says “what in the hell are you thinking?”

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These are difficult times for musicians:

17/8    19/16    17/16   and 15/8 

And finally this joke:

There was a man, let’s call him Pat who was famous for dropping names.  His friends had to have repairs done to their floors from all the heavy names he dropped during his visits.  One day he was with his friend Woody and Pat claimed he knew the Playboy Bunny of the month.

“She’s a great little cook,” Pat told his friend Woody.

“You are full of crap,” protested Woody.  “Let’s make a bet.  We can fly out to LA and prove it.”

The terms of the bet were agreed to and both men, being currently unencumbered by employment, hopped on a plane and flew right out there.  At the Playboy mansion Pat was recognized and let right in.  Sure enough, the young woman in question came out and greeted Pat with a big hug.

“I know a lot of people in the entertainment industry,” Pat explained, “from back when I did some legal work for my good friend Steven Spielberg.”

“I don’t believe that for an instant,” retorted Woody.  “Double or nothing?”
So they jumped in a car and drove across town to the studio.  Once again, Pat was immediately recognized and taken in to see the important producer.  Spielberg came out his office and shook Pat’s hand chiding him good naturedly about waiting so long to come visit.

“Okay,” Woody grumbled, “you know a lot of people in the entertainment industry.”

“I know people in finance, too,” Pat said.  “Warren Buffett is a close friend.”

“Bull roar.  Let’s go to Omaha and prove it.  Double or nothing again?”

Off they went to Omaha where once again Pat was welcomed warmly.

“Alright, you know a lot of people in finance and entertainment,” Woody admitted.

“Oh, I know people in lots of fields, even religion.  As a matter of fact I know the Pope quite well.”

‘Now I gotcha’, thought Woody and he quickly challenged Pat to prove it with the usual terms.

Off they jetted to Rome followed by a taxi ride to St. Peter’s Square in the Vatican.  There was a huge crowd waiting for the pontiff to come out and bless them.

“Wait here,” Pat said confidently and made his way to the door.  He whispered in the ear of the Swiss guardsman and to Woody’s astonishment was permitted entry.

A few minutes later the Pope came out onto the balcony in his white robes waving to the cheering crowd and there, right next to him was Pat.

“Would you look at that,” said Woody in astonishment.

“Yeah,” said a stranger standing next to him.  “Who is the guy in white next to Pat?”