Traveling JOW #1192

 As some of you might have noticed, it has been warm lately, so we are taking a trip to Colorado to see family (including a new grand kid) and friends.  The Rockies are great for an altitude adjustment.  We will be driving there all the way across Texas.  I know those wind farms in west Texas will be glad to see me.  They are huge fans.  And we will stay in motels on the way.  Did you know a motel minibar allows you to see into the future? You can find out what a can of Pepsi will cost in 2033?   I intend to will be bring a section of a tree truck on my trip.  It’s my travelogue.  And these are my jokes of the week provided early because we are on the road.

 

What does a tree do when he's going on a vacation?

He packs his trunk and leaves.

 

Where do blind people go for vacation?

Sea World…

 

Hipsters like to hike back country rivers. They’re less mainstream.

 

My favorite trail mix includes songs from The Cranberries, Peanuts, and Eminem.

 

My wife wanted to go on vacation, but I wanted a staycation; so we compromised and had an altercation.

 

Actually,  I am sort of on a six month vacation.  I’m retired, so I take two of those a year. 

 

When you’re at the airport what kind of chocolate can you buy? A bar of plane chocolate.

 

Flat earthers only travel on a plane

 

Airlines keep adding fees.  First it was pay toilets

on the planes .  Then they started charging for emotional baggage, too.  Now the attendants tell you that ‘if the oxygen mask drops down, to please put on your mask and pay for your oxygen with a major credit card before assisting others with their transactions.

 

A few quick quips:

 

·         What do you call a traveler that doesn’t lose its temper? A nomad.

·         Which U.S. state is round at the ends and high in the middle? Ohio

·         Which U.S. state has the tiniest drinks? Mini Soda.

·         I’m not too good at geography, but I can name at least one city in France. That’s Nice.

·         What’s the capital of Spain? S.

·         Where did the heart, liver, and kidney go on a road trip? Oregon

 

A British man is visiting Australia for vacation.

The passport lady at Australian customs asks him, "Have you been convicted of any crimes in the past?"
The Brit replies by asking, "Is it still a requirement?"

 

Halfway between New York City and Washington, D.C., the train's engine fell silent. "I've got good news and bad news," the conductor announced. "The bad news is we lost power." The passengers groaned. "The good news," he added, "is we weren't cruising at 30,000 feet."

 

A man wrote a letter to a small hotel he planned to visit on his vacation,

"I would very much like to bring my dog with me. He is well-groomed and very well-behaved.
Would you be willing to permit me to keep him in my room with me at night?"
An immediate reply came from the hotel owner, which said, "I've been operating this hotel for many years. In all that time, I've never had a dog steal towels, bedclothes, silverware, or pictures off the walls.
I've never had to evict a dog in the middle of the night for being drunk and disorderly. And I've never had a dog run out on a hotel bill. Yes, indeed, your dog is welcome at my hotel.
And, if your dog will vouch for you, you're welcome to stay here, too."

 

You're on vacation, and you've arrived at your hotel. The elevators in the lobby are numbered, from left to right, 1, 2, 3, 5, and 4.

Curious, you try to enter elevator 5, but are stopped by the bell boy.
"You can't use that elevator," he says.
"Why not?"
"It's out of order"

 

A traveling salesman was driving through the countryside when his car broke down.

Without phone service, he walked a couple miles to a farm house where he knocked on the door.
The old farmer answered and the salesman told him of his situation.
The farmer says. "It's getting late, but you’re welcome to spend the night. We'll call the tow truck in the morning.
The salesman says, "Thanks, I know the drill I'll sleep in the barn."
The farmer says, "Nonsense, the wife done run oft with the bread man and my three daughters graduated from college, got married and moved out. You can sleep in one of the empty bedrooms."
The salesman sighs, "Damn it to hell, I'm in the wrong joke!"

 

I don’t want to brag, but I do speak pig Latin; I mean, I’m not fluent, but I’m sure if I ever went there, I could get by.

And speaking of Latin, here is my final joke.

Once there was an old English don who was a dedicated scholar of the antiquities, specifically Rome.  Of course he could read Latin, and as old dons due, he would occasionally talk to his peers in that dead language.

When he finally got a chance to visit the Eternal City he leapt at the chance. 

He was so excited to see the sights of Rome that he became separated from his tour.  He wanted to ask directions back to his hotel but spoke no Italian and no one on the street spoke English.  Finally, he decided that Italian couldn’t be that different from Latin so he walked up to a distinguished-looking gentleman and in his best Latin for directions to his hotel. To his delight the old man replied in excellent classic Latin.  The thanked the man profusely again in Latin, and, as he turned away the Roman said to him.

“You have been gone from Rome a long time, haven’t you?”

 

 

Quick Hitting JOW #1191

 These days it is hard to find an audience that will wait very long for the punchline of a joke; most jokes these days are quick one liners.  I know a lot of these quick little jokes so I thought I would make them the feature of this week’s jokes. 

 

A joke doesn’t become a dad joke until it is full groan

 

I always wanted to be a Gregorian monk, but I never got the chants.

 

It is gotten so bad that Wheaties are now the breakfast of participants.

 

Do baseball catcher think they are ‘working from home’?

 

Laboratory grown meat. Sure I’ll have some… with a Bud Lite.

 

He who is without oil shall throw the first rod.  Compressions 7:24

 

You can’t blame anyone else if you fall on your butt in your driveway . . . it’s your own asphalt. 

I’ve started telling everyone about the benefits of eating dried grapes. It’s all about raisin awareness.
  
I’ve started investing in stocks: beef, vegetable, chicken. One day I hope to be a bouillianaire.
   
I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes. Now I know what Heinzsight is.
  
Did you know muffins spelled backwards is what you do when you take them out of the oven?
  

Sign in a high end restaurant bathroom: Employees must wash hands.  If an employee is not available, feel free to wash your own hands.

 

Had a friend we used to call Ashley.  We call her Ash now.  She is cremated.

 

Marriage.  When dating goes too far.

 

I tried to come up with a carpentry pun that woodwork. I thought I nailed it but nobody saw it.
  
I just spoke with Bill Withers and told him “Ain’t No Sunshine” is bad grammar. He said, "I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know.”
  
Singing in the shower is fine until you get soap in your mouth. Then it’s a soap opera.
  
The Black-Eyed Peas can sing us a song but the chick peas can only hummus one.
  
Then there was the time Fruit of the Loom took Hanes to court… it was a brief case.
  

How much does a chimney cost? Nothing, it’s on the house.
  
My friend said she wouldn’t eat cow’s tongue because it came out of a cow’s mouth. I gave her an egg.
  
Once upon a time there was a King who was only 12 inches tall. He was a terrible King but he made a great ruler.
  
Ran out of toilet paper and now using lettuce leaves. Today was just the tip of the iceberg, and tomorrow romaines to be seen.
  
My friend Jack says he can communicate with vegetables. That’s right - Jack and the beans talk.
   
I was struggling to understand how lightning works and then it struck me.
  
These roadside sobriety checks are getting ridiculous.  Last night I had to fold a fitted sheet.

 

I made chicken salad last night.  It didn’t go well. Apparently they prefer grain.

 

Cows kill more people than sharks.  But then I’m surprised cows kill any sharks at all

 

As a child I loved all the old classic cartoons.  Recently I have discovered that roadrunners can only run at 20 mph while coyotes can run at 35.  Everything I was taught as a child was a lie.

 

Some puzzling questions

Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds?

 

Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii?

 

Do you need a silencer if you are going to shoot a mime?

 

If a store says it is open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, why are there locks on the doors?

 

If you throw a cat out a car window does it become kitty liter?

 

What's another word for thesaurus?

 

Why do they sterilize the needles for lethal injections?

 

What do they use to ship Styrofoam?

 

Why is abbreviation such a long word?

 

If you choke a smurf, what color does it turn?

 

Does fuzzy logic tickle?

 

Why do they call it a TV set when you only get one?

 

What was the best thing before sliced bread?

 

Okay, here are some longer ones….

 

Taylor Swift has written lots of wonderful songs about men breaking up with her, but I don’t think she has written one song about making her man a sandwich or bringing him a beer.  Coincidence? I think not.

 

Scientifically, a raven has 17 primary wing feathers (the big ones at the end of the wing), which are called pinion feathers. A crow has 16.
So, the difference between a raven and a crow is only a matter of a pinion.
  
 I was walking in the jungle and saw a lizard on his hind legs telling jokes. I turned to a local tribal leader and said, “That lizard is really funny!”

The leader replied, “That’s not a lizard. He’s a stand-up chameleon.
  
And finally, here is a variation of one of my old favorites.

Arctic terns, birds long famous for their thousands of miles migratory habits, have been profoundly affected by climate change. Researchers have determined that as landmarks have disappeared due to loss of ice, some terns get stressed to the point of prematurely ending their flights.
Exposure to cannabinoids reduces stress levels in the stopped birds, allowing them to continue their journey. A team formed to find the colonies of stragglers and drop literal marijuana smoke bombs on the birds. The head of the expedition acknowledged that it was a huge undertaking, but vowed to leave no tern unstoned.

 

International JOW #1190

 

International joke week was last week, but what with Fourth of July and new grandkid and all I am just now getting to some international jokes.  I hope these bring a smile.

 

The last time I traveled overseas I carried a money belt full of money around my middle.  It was a waist of cash.

 

A man walks into a bar......and lost the international limbo championship.

 

Yoda is actually of Swiss descent.  His last name is Lahehoo

 

Charcuterie is French for ‘I’d like a sandwich but without any bread.

 

Who is the leader of international public health?

Yes, yes it is.

 

Have you heard of the international bathroom?

When you go there, you're Russian.
Once there, European.
At the end, you're Finnish.

 

A Russian psychic and a Polish psychic were invited do to provide their visions for the future of their opposing countries.

The Russian went into a trance and come out shaking her head.

“I see a Ukraine that is shattered, the people poor and hopeless.  Their buildings are in ruins.”

The Polish psychic then did his cast into the near future.

He came out of it smiling.  “I saw Moscow, and it was wonderful.  The people were prosperous and free, everyone was relaxed and smiling, and there were wonderful lighted signs everywhere.”

“What did the signs say?” asked the smirking Russian.

“I am not sure.  I do not read Ukrainian very well.”

 

At an international scout camp, three boys were talking about where babies come from.

A German boy said that the stork brings babies, while a French boy said it involved the mother and father. The American boy was silent.
After some prodding, he finally said “Well, with us it depends on whether you’re from a red state or a blue one.”

 

A big guy was standing at the bar in the International Airport when this small Chinese guy comes in, stands next to him, and starts drinking a beer

The big man asked him, "Do you know any of those martial arts things, like Kung-Fu, Karate, or Ju-Jitsu?" 
the little Chinese guy says "No, why the hell would you ask me that? Is it because I am Chinese?" 
"No", the large man said, "It's because you're drinking my beer, you little prick."

 

Security officer: If you find a USB outside, don't bring it into the office

Me (taking notes): Note to self: Only bring international bees into the office

(When the inventor of the USB stick dies, I bet they will lower him into the grave, then have to turn it around to make it fit.)

 

Okay, enough with that.  Here are some unrelated jokes.

 

As I walk through the valley of the shadow of death I will remember never to trust Google maps

 

Six cows were smoking joints and playing poker. The steaks were pretty high.  But not as high as when they served beef on the International Space Station.

 

Why isn’t there a pregnant Barbie?  Because Ken comes in another box.

 

I have become obsessed with collecting Beatles albums.

So far I've got 17 Revolvers, 8 Rubber Souls, 25 Sergeant Peppers, 6 Hard Days Nights, 12 White Albums, 14 Abbey Roads, 7 Yellow Submarines, 5 Let It Be's, 9 Please Please Me's, a couple of With The Beatles, 3 Beatles For Sale’s, and even a Magical Mystery Tour, but it’s not enough.
I need HELP!

 

And finally, a longer international joke to wrap things up.

 

On a group of beautiful deserted islands in the middle of nowhere, the following people are suddenly stranded by, as you might expect, a shipwreck: 2 Italian men and 1 Italian woman

2 French men and 1 French woman

2 German men and 1 German woman

2 Greek men and 1 Greek woman

2 English men and 1 English woman

2 Bulgarian men and 1 Bulgarian woman

2 Japanese men and 1 Japanese woman

2 Chinese men and 1 Chinese woman

2 American men and 1 American woman

And

2 Irish men and 1 Irish woman.

One month later on these same absolutely stunning deserted islands in the middle of nowhere, the following things have occurred. ..

One Italian man killed the other Italian man for the Italian woman.

The two French men and the French woman are living happily together in a ménage-a-trois.

The two German men have a strict weekly schedule of alternating visits with the German.

The two English men are waiting for someone to introduce them to the English woman.

The two Bulgarian men took one long look at the endless ocean, another long look at the Bulgarian woman, and started swimming.

The two Japanese men have faxed Tokyo and are awaiting instructions.

The two Chinese men have set up a pharmacy, a liquor store, a restaurant and a laundry, and have got the woman pregnant in order to supply employees for their stores.

The two American men are contemplating the virtues of suicide because the American woman endlessly complains about her body; the true nature of feminism; how she can do everything they can do; the necessity of fulfillment; the equal division of household chores; how sand and palm trees make her ass look fat; how her last boyfriend respected her opinion and treated her nicer than they do; how her relationship with her mother is improving and how at least the taxes are low and it isn't raining.

The two Irish men have divided the island into North and South and setup a distillery. They don't remember if sex is in the picture because it gets sort of foggy after the first few liters of coconut whisky. But they're satisfied because at least the English aren't having any fun.

 

 

 

Climatic JOW #1189

It’s July 4^th and some fool is waking up for the last time with all 10 fingers.  It’s so hot that you have to stay in the air conditioning from 0900 until, oh, the middle of October.  Yes, the planet is getting warmer, almost certainly due to human activity.  And for the past thirty years we have been bombarded with warnings that the world will become uninhabitable within the next ten years.  Hyperbole and hysteria rein.  Example: ‘If global warming continues, in 20 years the only chance we'll have to see a polar bear is in a zoo’. In other words, nothing is going to change.  So keep chill and enjoy these jokes.

 

You know the crazy people you see in the streets shouting that the world is ending? Turns out, they’re all climate scientists.

 

Never argue about climate change

It always turns into a heated debate

 

How many politicians does it take the solve climate change?

Trick question: politicians can't solve anything.

 

Humans: There is absolutely nothing that can be done to combat climate change.

Mother Earth: Here hold My Beer.

 

Activists want actors to get involved.  They suggested Vin Diesel change his name to Vin Solar.

 

It makes sense that Leonardo DiCaprio cares so much about climate change…

He wants a world his future girlfriends can turn 21 in.

 

It was so hot in Beverly Hills, people were frying egg whites on the sidewalk.

 

What’s the difference between weather and climate?
You can’t weather a tree, but you can climate.

 

What's the difference between climate change and obesity?

One's a worldwide problem.
The other's a wideworld problem.

 

Shifting to ordinary weather jokes:

 

When it rains chickens and ducks, you could say its fowl weather.

 

Red sky at night, sailor’s delight. Blue sky at night, day

 

Tomorrow's weather forecast for Canada is in, just in time for cannabis legalization

It's going to be cloudy with a chance of Doritos.

 

What do you have to do to win gold at the weather forecasting competition? You have to beat the raining champion.

 

Today: Sunny, 96. Tonight: Not so sunny, 85. 

 

Q: What does daylight saving time mean in Seattle?

A: An extra hour of rain

 

Q: What do you call two straight days of rain in Seattle?

A: The weekend.

 

It has been a while since I did a ‘knock knock’ joke.  Here are a few weather-related ones.

Knock, knock!

Who's There?

Accordion.

Accordion who?

Accordion to the weather report, it's going to rain tomorrow!

 

Knock, knock!

Who's there?

Butter.

Butter who?

Butter bring an umbrella, it looks like it might start raining!

 

Knock, knock!

Who's there?

Emma.

Emma who?

Emma bit cold out here - can you let me in?

 

Knock, knock

Who’s there?

Scot.

Scot who?

Scot outside.

 

Knock, knock!

Who's there?

Lettuce.

Lettuce who?

Lettuce in, it's raining outside.

#####

Engineers were preparing to build a project in the middle of the Amazon forest when a native came up and told them to seek shelter because there would be heavy rain soon. The engineers looked up at the clear sky, didn't heed the man's prediction and continued with their work. Two hours later it poured heavily. The following day the native showed up again and told them not to worry it would be sunny for the next four days Sure enough it was sunny the entire four days. On the fifth day he showed up again in the morning and told them it would be too hot to work in the afternoon and sure enough it did get too hot in the afternoon. The following day the lead engineer dispatched a few of his juniors to seek the wise native, gift him some cash and ask for his prediction of the weather. They found the man in his homestead, he accepted the gift and gave them his prediction. This carried on for three months. One morning, as had become their routine the junior engineers went to seek the wise native with their daily cash gift to enquire about the day's weather. After accepting the cash the wise man had bad news. "My radio ran out of batteries last night so I didn't listen to the weather forecast so I can't help you today."

 

And finally

Once upon a time, a king wanted to go fishing and he asked the royal weather forecaster the forecast for the next few hours. The palace meteorologist assured him that there was no chance of rain.

So the king and the queen went fishing. On the way they met a man with a fishing pole riding on a donkey, and the king asked the man if the fish were biting.
The fisherman said, "Your Majesty, you should return to the palace! In just a short time I expect a huge rain storm."
The king replied: "I hold the palace meteorologist in high regard. He is an educated and experienced professional. Besides, I pay him very high wages. He gave me a very different forecast. I trust him."
So the king continued on his way. However, in a short time a torrential rain fell from the sky. The King and Queen were totally soaked.
Furious, the king returned to the palace and gave the order to fire the meteorologist. Then he summoned the fisherman and offered him the prestigious position of royal forecaster.
The fisherman said, "Your Majesty, I do not know anything about forecasting. I obtain my information from my donkey. If I see my donkey's ears drooping, it means with certainty that it will rain."
So the king hired the donkey.
And thus began the practice of hiring dumb asses to work in influential positions of government.