Numbers JOW #1122

 As I am sure you are aware, today is 22 February, or to put it another way, 22/2/22.  That is a lot of twos.  In fact today should be a ballerina because it has so many tutus. I have done a lot of jokes about words over the years, in fact I have even reposted some (foreshadowing alert), but I have not done any JOWs about numbers.  My number is up.  Here are some jokes about various numbers with a few math bits thrown in.

 

I have tried all my life multiplying really large numbers by zero.

That amounted to nothing.

 

You know what seems odd to me?

Numbers that aren’t divisible by two

 

A group of numbers were picking on 8 and he really h8'd it.

But when they pushed him over he felt infinitely worse.

 

How do you make seven even?

Just take away the ‘s’.

 

I don’t want to talk about 288 at all.  It’s just two gross.

 

Did you hear about the mathematician who’s afraid of negative numbers?

He’ll stop at nothing to avoid them.

 

The number 29 was murdered. The cops arrested all the numbers from 24 to 34.

But 31 was the prime suspect.

 

6 was afraid of 7 because 789. But why did 7 eat 9?

Because he needed 3 square meals a day.

 

So 6 was afraid of 7 because 789 but why was 10 scared?

Because 10 was in the middle of 911

 

I am so mad that I can't remember how to write 1, 1000, 51, 6 and 500 in Roman numbers

IM LIVID

 

Pi (π) and i (square root of -1) are having a conversation.

i gets angry and shouts: "Will you just be rational for a second!!!"

pi (π) replies: "Oh get real."

 

The numbers 19 and 20 got into a fight.

21

 .......

The teacher asked one of her young students if he knew his numbers.

"Yes," he said. "I do. My father taught me."

"Good. What comes after three?"

"Four," answers the boy.

"What comes after six?"

"Seven."

"Very good," says the teacher. "Your dad did a good job. What comes after ten?"
"A jack," says the little boy.

`````````````````

A farmer got an idea for how to make money off his farm in the off-season. He had a huge property all bounded by a big, white fence end to end. Along that fence was an old country road where few people drove. He decided he would set up a Christmas light display.

It took him some time to gather all the lights necessary, but eventually through the sweat of his farmhands and an absurd number of extension cords, he was finished. When sunset came, the first car to come down that road got an amazing sight.
The entire fence was covered in lights! Fence post after fence post, crossbeam after crossbeam, it was the most dazzling, amazing collection of lights they'd ever seen! The driver immediately called his friends and family and told them to get out to the old country road and within hours, the traffic was backed up for a mile.
At the end of the display, he had a couple of farmhands waiting with donation buckets and sure enough, he raked in several hundred dollars that night. This went on for weeks only getting more and more popular and even despite the high electricity bill, he turned quite a profit on the display.
And so it went for the next few years. His light displays got more and more elaborate. They synced to music. They twinkled in time to the passing cars. There were LEDs and lasers, inflatable reindeer and glowing manger scenes, and everything in between. He started to notice, however, that the number of cars began to dwindle each night.
Whereas folks used to come from counties around to see the fence, the numbers grew smaller and smaller each night. At the end of the season, he'd seen maybe a tenth of the cars.
The months passed and November crept up again. The farmer headed down to the feed and hardware shop to gather a few necessary supplies for the display and couldn't help but overhear a couple of the customers talking.
"Yeah, it just ain't what it used to be. I mean, don't get me wrong, it were pretty and all when he got it started, but something 'bout it nowadays just ain't fresh."
"I know. I wish he'd do something different. Something original. Everybody's got them Christmas lights now."
This incensed the farmer. He spent hundreds of hours every season making something amazing for the world to see and they were treating it like so much manure from his barn. He would show them.
He raced back to his farm and he ripped out every single light from post after post. He tore out the inflatable Santa and knocked down the wise men. And when he was done, he meticulously strung the exact same red and green lights on every square foot of that fence. "I'll show them. They think they can take me for granted, we'll see how they like this boring mess."
The first night of the display, the visitors (small in number as they may have been), were astonished. Their phones lit up with dials to their friends and neighbors. Soon enough, the line of cars stretched back miles and miles, longer than it ever had in the heyday of the display.
The farmer shook his head while his farmhands stood agape at the traffic. "I don't believe it! How could this be so popular?" the lead farmhand asked the farmer.
"It's simple. Everybody says they want to see something original but what really gets them going is the same old post over and over again."

  

Down Under JOW #1121

 It has been a while since I emphasized national humor.  My friend Dick sent me some jokes from Australia which gave me this week’s theme.  Deciphering Aussie humor might not always be easy, but you’ve got to love the Australian way of always seeing the funny side of things. Yes Australian humor might be anti-authoritarian, more persistently offensive, obscene and aggressive than other cultures, but it is their way of dealing with hard times and difficult subjects.  Their humor may not be politically correct, perhaps that is why I like it.  Here ae some samples. -

These were posted on an Australian tourism website, and the answers are the actual responses by the website officials, who obviously have a great sense of humor (not to mention a low tolerance threshold for cretins)

Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia? I have never seen it rain on TV, how do the plants grow? (UK).
A: We import all plants fully grown, and then just sit around watching them die.
__________________________________________________
Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? (USA)
A: Depends how much you've been drinking.
__________________________________________________
Q: I want to walk from Perth to Sydney - can I follow the railroad tracks? (Sweden)
A: Sure, it's only three thousand miles. Take lots of water.

__________________________________________________

Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Australia? Can you send me a list of them in Brisbane, Cairns, Townsville and Hervey Bay? (UK)
A: What did your last slave die of?

_______________________________________
Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Australia? (USA)
A: Af - ri - ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe.
Aust - ra - lia is that big island in the middle of the Pacific which does not . . . 
. . . . Oh, forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Kings Cross. Come naked.
__________________________________________________

Q: Which direction is North in Australia? (USA)
A: Face south, and then turn 180 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we'll send the rest of the directions.
_________________________________________________
Q: Can I bring cutlery into Australia? (UK)
A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.
__________________________________________________
Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? (USA)
A: Aus - tri - a is that quaint little country bordering Ger - man - y, which is . . .
. . . Oh, forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Kings Cross, straight after the hippo races. Come naked.
__________________________________________________
Q: Can I wear high heels in Australia? (UK)
A: You are a British politician, right?
__________________________________________________
Q: Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year round? (Germany)
A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of vegan hunter gatherers. Milk is illegal.
_________________________________________________
Q: Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can dispense rattlesnake serum. (USA)
A: Rattlesnakes live in A - mer - ica, which is where YOU come from. All Australian snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled, and make good pets.
__________________________________________________
Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Australia, but I forget its name. It's a kind of bear and lives in trees. (USA)
A: It's called a Drop Bear. They are so called because they drop out of gum trees and eat the brains of anyone walking underneath them. You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.
__________________________________________________
Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you tell me where I can sell it in Australia? (USA)
A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.
_________________________________________________
Q: Do you celebrate Christmas in Australia? (France)
A: Only at Christmas.
_________________________________________________

Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? (USA)

A: Yes, but you'll have to learn it first.

 

As I said, Australian humor can be a little rough.  Some examples:

Shane aged 23.  'My Sheila's an angel'.
Bruce aged 59.  'You’re lucky mate, mine is still alive'.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Three Aussie guys, Shane, Ricky and Jeff, were working on a high-rise building project
in Wagga Wagga.  Unfortunately, Shane falls off the scaffolding and is killed.

As the ambulance takes the body away, Ricky says, 'Someone should go and tell his wife.'
Jeff says, 'OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I'll do it.'

Two hours later, he comes back carrying a case of Fosters.
Ricky says, 'Where did you get that, Jeff?'
'Shane's wife gave it to me.'

Ricky continues, 'That's unbelievable, you told the lady her husband was dead and she gave you the beer?'

'Well not exactly,' Jeff said. 'When she answered the door, I said to her, "You must be Shane's widow".'
She said, 'No, I'm not a widow.'

And I said, 'I'll bet you a case of Fosters you are.'

 

```````

Ricky decides to go back home to Melbourne so he calls Qantas Airlines to book
his flight.
The operator asks him, 'How many people are flying with you?'
Ricky replies, 'Strewth mate, how would I know.  It's your plane.'

+++++++++++++++

Ricky was getting drunk in the pub and ran out of money.  Ricky did not feel like going home and begged the publican for another drink. 'Com'on  Robbo, givuzzanaddabeerwillya? I'll pay you next week.....'
Robbie, the publican points out the window and says to Ricky, 'See that building across the road?'
'Yeah...' says Ricky, squinting'

‘Well, that is the Bank of Victoria, and I got a deal with them.'

'Deal? Wot deal?' mutters Ricky.

Robbie, ‘Well, Ricky, they don't sell beer, and I don't lend money.'

=========

A burglar broke was arrested after he had broken into Bruce’s house,  The next morning, Bruce went to the police station and asked to speak to the burglar who had broken into his house.

'You'll get your chance in court,' the desk Sergeant Kelly told him.

'I have to know how he got into the house without waking my wife,' pleaded Bruce. 'I've been trying to do that for years.'

******

Barry walks into a bar with a newt on his shoulder.
The barmaid looks at the creature and asks the man what he calls it.   

'Tiny', answers Barry.
'Why's that?' enquires the barmaid.
'Because he's my newt'.  

 

 

 

Money, Money, Money JOW #1120

 I have a number of jokes about finance this week.   No particular reason; I have been collecting documents for tax season (oh, joy) and that is where my mind was wandering.  Trigger warning: This JOW contains ‘Knock Knock’ jokes.  

Japanese Banking Humor
Uncertainty has now hit Japan. In the last seven days, Origami bank has folded, Sumo Bank has gone belly up, and Bonsai Bank has announced plans to cut some of its branches.

Yesterday, it was also announced that Karaoke Bank will go up for sale and will likely go for a song, while shares in Kamikaze Bank were suspended today after they crashed. While Samurai Bank is soldiering on after sharp cutbacks, 500 employees at Karate Bank got the chop. Finally, analysts report that there is something fishy going on at Sushi Bank, where it is feared that staff may get a raw deal.

Some financial riddles:

Q: How many stock brokers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two. One of them lets the bulb drop, and the other one tries to sell it before it hits the floor.

Q: How many stock brokers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two. One of them lets the bulb drop, and the other one tries to sell it before it hits the floor.

Q: Why do the banks never fire their top accountants?
A: Because they always threaten to take a job as investigators with the IRS.

Q: What do you say to the investor who lost a lot of money?
A: "Don't be sad; your money isn't lost. It just belongs to someone else now..."

Q: What does the AAA-rating of a bank stand for?
A: The executive council consists of Academics, Analysts and the other A**holes.

Q: What is optimism?
A: When an investment banker irons five fresh shirts on Sunday

Who would have ever thought there would be Icelandic Bank jokes?
Q: What is the capitol of Iceland?
A: Oh, about $2.10 and sinking fast

Q: What do Icelandic banks and an Icelandic streaker have in common?
A: They both have frozen assets.

 

++++++

A man won a $5 million on the lottery and decided to donate a quarter of that to charity.  It was no big deal.  That still left him with $4,999,999.75.

------

A company selling safes has a new ad campaign:

"If your things get stolen, well it's not our vault."

 

I haven’t done many knock knock jokes lately.  Here are some money-related ones.

Knock! Knock!

Who is there?

Cash

Cash who?

No thank you, but I’ll take some almonds if you have any.

 

Knock! Knock!

Who is there?

Nicholas.

Nicholas who?

A Nicholas not worth much these days.

 

Knock! Knock!

Who is there?

Robin.

Robin who?

Robin' you. Hand over all your money.

 

Knock! Knock!

Who is there?

Hanover.

Hanover who?

Hanover all your money.

 

Knock! Knock!

Who is there?

Cash.

Cash who?

Cash me if you can.

 

Knock! Knock!

Who is there?

Yolande.

Yolande who?

Yolande me some money, I'll pay you back tomorrow.

 

Knock! Knock!

Who is there?

Iowa.

Iowa who?

Iowa you some money.

 

Knock! Knock!

Who is there?

Bellows.

Bellows who?

Bellows me money. Is he here?

 

Knock! Knock!

Who is there?

Celeste.

Celeste who?

Celeste time I'll be lending you money

 

An organic joke.
A woman called her husband during the day and asked him to pick up some organic vegetables for that night’s dinner on his way home.
The husband arrived at the store and began to search all over for organic vegetables before finally asking the produce guy where they were. The produce guy didn’t know what he was talking about, so the husband said: “These vegetables are for my wife. Have they been sprayed with poisonous chemicals?”
To which the produce guy replied, “No, sir, you will have to do that yourself.”

~~~~~~

Remember, the word ‘organic’ is from the Greek root ‘organos’ which means ‘over-priced’.

======

A mother and father take their 6-year old son to a nude beach.
As the boy walks along the sand, he notices that many of the women have boobs bigger than his mother's, so he goes back to ask her why.
She tells her son, 'The bigger they are, the sillier the lady is.'
The boy, pleased with the answer, goes to play in the ocean but returns to tell his mother that many of the men have larger things than his dad does.
She replies, 'The bigger they are, the dumber the man is'
Again satisfied with her answer, the boy goes back to the ocean to play.
Shortly thereafter, the boy returns and promptly tells his mother,
'Daddy is talking to the silliest lady on the beach, and the longer he talks, the dumber he gets.'

And finally

A lady goes to the bar on a cruise ship and orders a Scotch with two drops of water. As the bartender gives her the drink she says, "I'm on this cruise to celebrate my 80th birthday and it's today."
The bartender says, "Well, since it's your birthday, I'll buy you a drink. In fact, this one is on me."
As the woman finishes her drink, the woman to her right says, "I would like to buy you a drink, too."
The old woman says, "Thank you. Bartender, I want a Scotch with two drops of water."
"Coming up," says the bartender.
As she finishes that drink, the man to her left says,
"I would like to buy you one, too."
The old woman says, "Thank you. Bartender, I want another Scotch with two drops of water."
"Coming right up," the bartender says.
As he gives her the drink, he says, "Ma'am, I'm dying of curiosity. Why the Scotch with only two drops of water?"
The old woman replies, "Sonny, when you're my age, you've learned how to hold your liquor.
Holding your water, however, is a whole other issue."

 

Karen's JOW #1119

February Second is Groundhog Day, made famous by one of my favorite movies of the same name.  One of my favorite lines in the move: “Phil: What would you do if you were stuck in one place and every day was exactly the same, and nothing that you did mattered?

Ralph: That about sums it up for me.”

But I have a lot of jokes about Karens to use.  You know, the bossy white middle-aged women who are never satisfied and demand to speak to the manger.  That is Karen.  Also, the head of a Home Owner’s Association.  So I threw in some Karen jokes and a bit more filler to get to my self-imposed target of a thousand words.  Here you go:

================

A group of crows is called a murder. What do you call a group of Karens?

A migraine.  Either that or a Home Owners Association.

 

What kind of clothing do Karen’s wear?

A lawsuit.

 

What's a Karen's favorite band?

The police.

 

How do you measure the obnoxiousness of middle-aged white women?

In degrees Karenheit.

 

Why did Karen complain to the store manager about her photocopier?

She didn't like its tone.

 

Karen and Ruth used to hang out all the time but Karen was not caring enough so Ruth left her.

Now Karen is completely Ruthless.

 

Karen’s husband dies. After a few days, she starts missing him, so she buys an Ouija board and contacts him.
Karen: Honey, can you listen to me?
Husband: Yes
Karen: Is the afterlife better than your life on earth with me?
Husband: Yes
Karen: Nice. So how's heaven?
Husband: Who said I'm in heaven?

 

Why did Karen press CTRL + Alt + Delete?

She wanted the Task Manager.

 

What is a Karen called in Europe?

An American.

 

My friend usually complains about everything but lately she's gotten bored of it. I guess you could say that she's past the point of Karen.

 

A dyslexic Karen went to Bethlehem.

She asked to see the manger.

 

How many Karens does it take to change a light bulb?

None. They just sit around in the dark and bitch about it.

 

Two Karens are having lunch together

The waiter stops by and asks "Is anything okay?"

 

Karen: Doctor, I’ve not been feeling well lately.
Doctor: I’ve looked at your lab reports and I’m afraid I have some bad news.
Karen: Don’t give me this lab nonsense. I believe in homeopathic medicine, astrology, and healing crystals. All my life, they have never failed me. Now will you do things my way or do I need to see the manager?!?
Doctor: Sure, we’ll do things your way. No need to raise your temper. Why don’t we try an astrology based approach?
Karen: At last a sensible approach.
Doctor: So, what’s your star sign?
Karen: it’s cancer.
Doctor: Well what a coincidence.

A few mean jokes

Policeman:  I’m sorry but it looks like your wife was hit by a bus.

Man: I know, but she has a wonderful personality

 

My wife beamed at me with pride and said, “Wow! I never thought our son would go that far!“

I said, “This catapult is amazing! Go get our daughter.”

 

What does a vegan zombie like to eat? Graaains. 

 

I asked a friend if she was vegetarian because she really loved animals.

She responded, "No, I just really hate vegetables."

~~~~~~~~~~

What’s the difference between jam and jelly?

I have never been caught in a traffic jelly.

 

Finland have just closed their borders.

Which means no one can cross the finish line.

 

Autocorrect can go straight to he’ll. 

 

Blame Dick for this one:

Do you know why ants never get sick?  Because they have little anty-bodies

 

New emergency exit signs

In the case of fire, exit the building before tweeting about it.

 

Breaking news. 

Man Shot 200 times with an Upholstery Gun

Surgeons say he is now fully recovered

 

I j‌‌ust d‌‌iscovered t‌‌hat t‌‌he w‌‌ord “‌‌nothing” i‌‌s a‌‌ p‌‌alindrome…

Backwards i‌‌t s‌‌pells “‌‌gnihton”, w‌‌hich a‌‌lso m‌‌eans n‌‌othing.

 

Student: Are “well” and “actually” both single-syllable words?

Teacher: Well yes, but actually no.

 

 I bought the world’s worst thesaurus yesterday. Not only is it terrible, it’s terrible.

 

I asked a friend in Seattle what the difference was between a state like Washington and one like Florida. He shrugged. “Apples and oranges.”

 

I accidently sprayed deodorant in my mouth today.

Now when I talk I have this weird Axe scent.

 

To this day, the boy that used to bully me at school still takes my lunch money.

On the plus side, he makes great Subway sandwiches.

 

I called my wife and told her that I’ll pick up pizza and coke on the way back from work. But it seems she was not happy.

She still regrets letting me name the kids.

 

I’m sure my wife has been putting glue on my weapons collection.

She denies it, but I’m sticking to my guns.

 

My wife has evil lessons with Satan every week.

I don’t know how much she charges.

 

My wife says the salads I make tend to be a bit on the dry side.

It’s definitely something that needs addressing.

 

I have 2 unwritten rules.

1.

2.

 

I went for a job interview today and the interviewer asked me, “What would you consider to be your main weaknesses and strengths?”

I said, “Well my main weakness would be my issues with reality - telling what’s real from what’s not.”

They then asked, “And your strengths?”

I said, “I’m Batman.”

`````````

The police officer stopped a miner on the way to his job.

I got three questions for you: Whose car in this?  Where are you going?  What are you going to do when you get there?

The miner, a man of few words answered all three questions.

“Mine.”