Fast Feast JOW

We have completed the annual feast of Thanksgiving where modern Americans celebrate the fact that we are the first society in history where food is so readily available that obesity even among the poor has become a national problem. You might say we have put all the good food behind us; some of us have done so in a literal fashion. There was reputedly a sign at the Olympic stadium in Peking: STADIUM HOLDS 120,000 CHINESE, or 80,000 AMERICANS.

Here are some thoughts on eating:

• Never eat more than you can lift --Miss Piggy

• If guns kill people, then a spoon made Rosie O’Donnell fat.

• Try the Garlic Diet; eat garlic with every meal. You may or not lose weight but you certainly will lose friends.


They just opened a new restaurant on the moon.
The food is supposed to be pretty good but there is no atmosphere.
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A young man rushed into the doctor’s office.
He had a carrot up one nostril, a cucumber in his left ear and a banana in his right ear.
"Doctor, doctor,” he gasped, “What’s wrong with me?"
The doctor looked at him, shook his head sorrowfully and replied, "You're not eating right."

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I heard this phone message:

“Welcome to the Weight Loss Hot Line. If you would like to lose one pound, press ‘1’ about eighteen thousand times.”

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A seafood restaurant had a sign in the window that read, "Big Lobster Tales, $5 each."
Amazed at the great value, a man stopped in and asked the waitress, "Five dollars each for lobster tails -- is that correct?"
"Yes," she said. "It's our special just for today."
"Well," he said, "they must be little lobster tails."
"No," she replied, "it's the really big lobster."
"Big, red lobster tails at $5 each?" he said, amazed. "They must be not-so-fresh lobster tails!"
"No, they're definitely today's."
"Today's big, red lobster tails - $5 each?" he repeated, astounded.
"Yes, definitely" she insisted with a smile.
"Well, here's my five dollars," he said. "I'll take one."
She took the money and led him to a table where she invited him to sit down. She then sat down next to him, put her hand on his shoulder, leaned over close to him, and said, "Once upon a time, there was a really big, red lobster..."


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An overweight business associate of mine decided it was time to shed some excess weight. He took his new diet seriously, even changing his driving route to avoid his favorite bakery.
One morning however, he arrived at work carrying a gigantic coffee cake.
We all scolded him, but his smile remained cherubic.
"This is a very special coffee cake," he explained.
"I accidentally drove by the bakery this morning and there in the window was a host of goodies. I felt this was no accident, so I prayed, 'Lord, if you want me to have one of those delicious coffee cakes, let me have a parking spot directly in front of the bakery.'
"And sure enough," he continued, beaming, "the eighth time around the block, there it was!"

And for desert:

Two young men who had just graduated from Harvard were excited and talkative about their future plans as they got into a taxi in downtown Boston. After hearing them for a couple of minutes, the cab driver asked, "You men Harvard graduates?"
"Yes, sir! Class of 2010!" they answered proudly.
The cab driver extended his hand back to shake their hands, saying, "I’m class of '68."

Thankful JOW

Thanksgiving is upon us. Travel and Thanksgiving go together like turkey and cranberry sauce. The airports are already getting congested and gas stations are hiking prices in anticipation of the annual great migration; like wildebeests masses of us move great distances in search of food. The latest news is that passengers are finally beginning to kick back at the latest ridiculous and ineffective efforts by the government bureaucrats at TSA (Touching, Squeezing, and Annoying). Every time we hear of some ridiculous plot, (the shoe bomber, the aftershave plot, the underwear bomber) TSA reacts by overreacting. We are the only country to make people take off their shoes, not even the highly-security conscious Israelis do that. And why do we make people remove their foot gear? Because it is a “government policy” and those things have a half life measured in generations. I can almost hear the terrorists cackling in their caves now. “Hey, let’s get some fool to put some explosives in his underwear. That will really drive all those effete people who wear underwear crazy.” Underwear bombs – really. Clearly the TSA wasn’t considering the size of underwear worn by women these days – I doubt if a thong-sized bomb would have enough explosive to pop a balloon. On the other hand, I have seen a few large women here in Texas whose underwear could probably disable an Abrams tank. I only hope TSA has not learned of the suicide bomber who slipped past security by secreting a bomb up his nether regions.
But enough of my rant on the enormous and ineffective federal bureaucracy that has sprung up to badger air travelers. Here are some Thanksgiving and Traveling jokes for the season.

PROPOSED NEW TSA SLOGANS

• Can't see London, can't see France, unless we see your underpants.
• If we did our job any better, we'd have to buy you dinner first.
• Only we know if Lady Gaga is really a lady.
• Don't worry, my hands are still warm from the last guy.
• Throw a few back at the airport bar and you won't even notice what we are doing.
• We've handled more balls than Barney Frank
• We are now free to move about your pants
• It's not a grope. It's a ‘freedom pat’.
• We handle more packages than the USPS
• No Shirt, No Shoes, No Problem
• Let Our fingers do some walking
• Reach out and grope someone
• Can you feel me now?
• Grope discounts available.

Now for some airline humor in the form of flight attendant announcements:

• "There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane..."
• "Your seat cushions can be used for flotation, and in the event of an emergency water landing, please take them with our compliments."
• "We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of us here at US Airways."
• "Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but they'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Southwest Airlines."

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For the few people who still travel by rail

A train was crossing America. After they had gone some distance one of the engines broke down. "No problem," the engineer thought, and carried on at half power.
Farther on down the line, the second engine broke down, and the train slowed to a dead stop. The engineer decided he should inform the passengers about why the train had stopped, and made the following announcement:
"Ladies and gentlemen, I have some good news and some bad news. The bad news is that both engines have failed, and we will be stuck here for a while. The good news is that you decided to take the train and not fly."
………………..

If you travel by car- an observation:
"Thanks to the interstate highway system, it is now possible to travel across the country, from coast to coast, without seeing anything." -Charles Kuralt


Some Turkey humor

Back in the early ‘80s my very country grandmother got her first microwave oven. She decided to try and cook the Thanksgiving turkey the new modern way. After carefully reading the instructions she put the bird into the microwave and started it up.
Even a microwave takes a while to cook a turkey. While the bird was cooking Big Momma was called to the phone. While she was talking her adult sons switched the turkey with a Cornish Game Hen.
Big Momma come back and peered into the glass front of the microwave expecting to see her big old turkey to be almost done. She looked at the diminutive bird cooking in her newfangled microwave and shook her head.
“I guess I left it in too long,” she announced, “it shrunk.”
The boys all thought that was hilarious. But the joke was on them. She never cooked anything else in that microwave again.
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A professional NFL team, the Philadelphia Eagles, had just finished their daily practice session when a large turkey came strutting onto the field. While the players gazed in amazement, the turkey walked up to the head coach and demanded to be given a chance to play at tight end.
Everyone stared in silence as the turkey caught pass after pass and ran right through the defensive line. When the turkey returned to the sidelines, the coach shouted, 'You're superb. Sign up for the season, and I'll see to it that you get a huge bonus.'
'Forget the bonus,' replied the turkey, 'What I want to know is, does your season go past Thanksgiving Day?'

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Thos. Pinney

Redneck JOW

Martha sent me some redneck humor. Poor rednecks, they and blondes are about the only group it is safe to make fun of anymore. But I have to acknowledge, those are my roots. And speaking of roots,
Who invented the toothbrush?
A Redneck!! (If it had been invented by anyone else, it would have been a teeth brush)

Rednecks have a rich cultural life. They even have poetry. Here are a few examples of Redneck haiku

A NEW MOON
Flashlights pierce darkness
No nightcrawlers to be found
Guess we'll gig some frogs

ALONE
Seeking solitude
Carl's ex-wife Tammy files fer
Restraining order

BEAUTY
Naked in repose
Silvery silhouette girls
Adorn my mudflaps

OPTIONS
Unemployment's out.
Hey, maybe I can git on
Disability

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How do you know when you're staying in a Redneck motel?
When you call the front desk and say, " I gotta leak in my sink, and the clerk replies ....."Well, go ahead."

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At the police station, Bubba explained to the police officer why his cousins shot him.
"Well," Bubba began, "We wuz havin' a good time drinking, when my cousin Ray picked up his shotgun and said, 'Hey, der ya fellows wanna go hunting?'"
"And then what happened?" the officer interrupted.
"From what I remember," Bubba said, "I stood up and said, 'Sure, I'm game.'"

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A man is driving down a country road when he spots a farmer standing in the middle of a huge field of grass. He pulls the car over to the side of the road and notices that the farmer is just standing there, doing nothing, looking at nothing.
The man gets out of the car, walks all the way out to the farmer and asks him, "Ah excuse me mister, but what are you doing?"
The farmer replies, "I'm trying to win a Nobel Prize."
"How?" asks the man, puzzled.
"Well I heard they give the Nobel Prize to people who are out standing in their field."


What do a Divorce in Alabama, a Tornado in Kansas and a Hurricane in Florida have in common?
Somebody's fixin' to lose them a house trailer.

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A redneck came home and found his house on fire, rushed next door, telephoned the fire department and shouted, "Hurry over here. My house is on fire!"
"OK," replied the fireman, "how do we get there?"
"Say, don't you still have those big red trucks?"

But wait, there’s more!

A redneck and his gal were embracing passionately in the front seat of the car.
"Want to go in the back seat?" she asked.
"No," he replied.
A few minutes later she asked, "Now do you want to get in the back seat?"
"No," he said again, "I wanna stay here in the front seat with you."

Finally, Jeff Farnsworth has made a very good living doing his “You might be redneck if…” routine. It is a funny bit because all too often you have either 1) met the criteria or 2) known someone who has.

You might be a redneck if:

-You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the House of -Tattoos.
-You have ever financed a tattoo.
-You move your refrigerator and the grass underneath it has turned yellow.
-You mow your lawn and find a car.
-Going to the bathroom in the middle of the night involves putting on shoes and grabbing a flashlight.
-Taking a dip has nothing to do with water.
-There are several lawsuits currently pending against your dog.
-You take a fishing pole to Sea World.
-The hood and one door are a different color from the rest of your car.
-You've ever filled your deer tag on the golf course.
-Your toilet paper has page numbers on it.
-The receptionist checks the rat traps at your place of business.
-More than one living relative is named after a Southern Civil War general.
-You think the stock market has a fence around it.
-Your boat has not left the driveway in 15 years.
-Your coffee table used to be a telephone cable spool.
-You keep a can of Raid on the kitchen table.
-You've ever used a toilet seat as a picture frame.
-Your Christmas tree is still up in February.
-You think that potted meat on a saltine is an hors d'ouvre.
-There is a stuffed possum anywhere in your house.
-You hammer bottle caps into the frame of your front door to make it look nice.
-You own a homemade fur coat.
-Your momma has "ammo" on her Christmas list.

Quotable JOW

We all have our moments when we say something clever. Unfortunately most of the time we think of something clever to say about five minutes after it is too late. Life is like that. So we try to remember cleaver quotes to use instead of making up our own. Of course attribution is often a problem. I have heard all sorts of people given credit for sayings I thought were said by someone else.
Just for the record I can only think of two somewhat amusing sayings that I can personally claim as mine:

• It is easier to get a poor man to donate his last dollar than to get a dime from a rich one.
• It is not your legs that are the first thing to go, it is your sense of pride.

But before I get into my humorous quotations I should put in a joke. Since it is Veteran’s Day, here is an old veteran’s joke:
Four retired veterans are walking down the street. When they see a sign that says "Veterans Bar," they go in. The bartender asks what they will have and they all ask for a martini.
He delivers the drinks and says, "That will be 40 cents," They can't believe their good luck.
They finish the drinks and order another round and the bartender again says, "That will be 40 cents."
This whets their curiosity, so they ask the bartender, "How can you afford to serve martinis for a dime apiece?"
The bartender replies, "I guess you've seen the decor here. Well, I am a retired Navy Master Chief and I always wanted to own a bar. Last year I hit the lottery for $45 million and decided to open this place for real veterans. Every drink costs a dime -- wine, liquor, beer all the same."
They notice four guys at the end of the bar who haven't ordered anything.
They ask, "What's with them?"
The bartender says "Oh, those are retired Air Force Colonels, they are waiting for Happy Hour!"

Now to the quotable observations:

Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong.

If life deals you lemons, make lemonade; if it deals you tomatoes, make Bloody Marys.

I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die.

There is great need for a sarcasm font.

These MapQuest and Google maps are great but when they provide directions, they really need to start their directions from about step 4 or so. I'm pretty sure I know how to get out of my own neighborhood.

Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.

Bad decisions make good stories.

You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment when you know that you just aren't going to do anything productive for the rest of the day.

I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to take their call.

I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with beer than Kay.

How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and smile because you still didn't hear or understand a word they said?

I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars team up to prevent a jerk from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers and sisters!

The first testicular guard, the "cup," was used in Hockey in 1874 and the first helmet was used in 1974. That means it only took 100 years for men to realize that their brain is also important.
Pity thoughts:
OK...so if the Jacksonville Jaguars are known as the "Jags"
and the Tampa Bay Buccaneers are known as the "Bucs",
What does that make the Tennessee Titan ?

I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks
so I wondered what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?

Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to?

Consistency is the final refuge of the unimaginative─the only truly consistent people are dead

Everyone is entitled to be stupid, but some of us abuse the privilege

Another Old JOW

Since I have somehow managed to survive my entry into old age I can now make fun of the elderly from the other side. Old people are second only to the battle of the sexes as a source of wonderful jokes. Here are a few.

Seven seniors, all in their eighties, were staging their bi-weekly poker game when suddenly, the guy they called “Happy” because he never smiled, and who was down more than three hundred dollars on the night, shouted “Holy Crap” and fell dead face first on the table.
There was a moment of surprised silence, then the guy next to him checked Happy’s pulse.
“He’s dead.” After a quick look around the table, he added “Happy folds.”
All six shuffled their way to a standing position in honor of their fallen poker buddy and in a unanimous vote, decided it was only fitting to finish the hand.
As the cards were being shuffled for the next hand the guy they called, “Big Dave”, because he was only five foot three, suggested that someone had to tell Happy’s wife Dora. As no one volunteered, they decided to draw cards – the lowest had to communicate the bad news.
The guy they called “Sammy” because his name was Samuel, drew a two of spades – he would be the messenger.
”For god’s sake take it easy when you tell Dora ─ don’t be too direct ─ ease into it. Dora can be pretty hot sometimes,” ordered the guy they called “Hammer” because he has a permanent blue colored finger after smashing it with a hammer some ten years ago.
After the game had wrapped up for the night, Sammy went over to see Dora. When she answered the door, Sammy, in a soft apologetic voice said, “Happy just lost three hundred dollars in the Poker game."
”Tell him to drop dead.”Dora screamed.
”I’ll deliver the message.”

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An elderly couple was attending church services, about halfway through she leans over and says, “I just had a silent fart what you think I should do?"
He replies "Put a new battery in your hearing aid."

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Many of us "Old Folks" (those over 60) are quite confused about how we should present ourselves. We're unsure about the kind of image we are projecting and whether or not we are correct as we try to conform to current fashions. I have determined that despite what you may have seen on the streets, the following combinations DO NOT go together and should be avoided:
• A nose ring and bifocals
• Spiked hair and bald spots
• A pierced tongue and dentures
• Miniskirts and support hose
• Ankle bracelets and corn pads
• Speedo's and cellulite
• A belly button ring and a gall bladder surgery scar
• Unbuttoned disco shirts and a heart monitor
• Midriff shirts and a midriff bulge
• Bikinis and liver spots
• Short shorts and varicose veins
• Inline skates and a walker
And last, but not least . my personal favorite:
• Thongs and Depends
Please keep these basic guidelines foremost in your mind when you shop for us.

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Now that I am an old fart I find:
I'm the life of the party...... even if it lasts until 8 p.m.
I'm very good at opening childproof caps... if you give me a hammer.
I'm usually interested in going home before I get to where I am going.
I'm smiling all the time because I can't hear a thing you're saying.
I'm very good at telling stories; over and over and over and over...
I get compliments on my alligator shoes while barefoot.
I'm sure everything I can't find is in a safe secure place, somewhere.

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Finally, some memorable quotes about old age:

• Youth would be an ideal state if it came a little later in life. ~ Herbert Henry Asquith
• I don't feel old. I don't feel anything until noon. Then it's time for my nap. ~ Bob Hope
• We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work its way through Congress. ~ Will Rogers
• Don't worry about avoiding temptation ...As you grow older, it will avoid you. ~ Winston Churchill
• Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty.....But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out. ~ Phyllis Diller
• The cardiologist's diet: If it tastes good ... spit it out. ~ Unknown
• By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere. ~ Billy Crystal

Thos. Pinney