S'now JOW #698

Last Friday the city of Houston was brought to a half by an ice ‘storm’.  People are not used to driving on ice here and it got ugly.  Sunday it was sunny and 70.  They predicted it would snow on Tuesday.  Change is good, I guess.  Of course it did not freeze up, but the prediction gave the local TV announcers a wonderful excuse to engage in hyperbole in an attempt to improve their ratings. 

I already sent this very amusing link to some of my friends and family who live in places that actually have snow.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QhHr7LCVQRw

I made a careless typo in my last JOW, using the word ‘euchre’, which is a card game, for ‘lucre’ which is money.  I blame autocorrect.   Pat, as a member of POEM, (Professional Organization English Majors) properly called me on my acyrologia.  Let me define that word:

Acyrologia –An incorrect use of words.  Particulately replacing one word with another word that sounds similar but has a diffident meaning.  This is possibly fuelled by a to seem a bell weather or perhaps from a deep-seeded desire to sound more educated, witch results in an attempt to pawn off an incorrect word in place of a correct one.  In academia, such flaunting of common social morays is seen as almost sorted and might result in the offender becoming a piranha;  in the Monday world, after all is set and done, such a miner era will often leave people unphased.  This is just as will sense people of that elk are unlikely to tow the line irregardless attempts to educate them.  A small percentage, however suffer from severe acyrologiaphoia, and it is there utmost desire to see English used properly.  Exposure may cause them symptoms resemble post-dramatic stress disorder and, eventually, descend into whole-scale outrage as they go star-craving mad.  Eventually they succumb to the stings and arrows of such a barrage, and suffer a complete metal breakdown, leaving them curled in the feeble position.

(Note: a wether is a castrated ram, like an ox.  Put a bell on it and it leads the flock; thus the phrase.)

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I see the squirrels are gathering lots of nuts for the cold weather.   I have not heard from some of my friends for a while.  Are you in a safe place?

A couple of stupid Knock Knock jokes –

but I repeat myself, all Knock Knock jokes are stupid.

Knock! Knock!
Who's there?
Snow!
Snow who?

Snow work today, it is snowing.

===================

Knock! Knock!
Who's there?
Icy!
Icy who?

Icy a lot of people are staying home from work today.

+++++++++++++++++++++++++

Some kid snow riddles:

Q: What did the big furry hat say to the warm wooly scarf?
A: "You hang around while I go on a head."

Q: What do you get if cross a snowman and a shark ?
A: Frost bite !

Q: How do you call an Eskimo cow ?
A: An Eskimoo !

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A man sent his girlfriend a huge pile of snow.  The next day he called her and asked ''Did you get my drift?''.

++++++++++++++++++++++

I bought a bag of peanuts for my Back Porch Philosophical Gentleman’s Club, and on the package was the warning ''may contain nuts.'' Well, YES! That's what I bought them for!  

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

Speaking of Autocorrect:

Autocorrect on phones can be so annoying not to say embarrassing.  It is the Tourette’s Syndrome of the digital world.   Autocorrect means you always end up posting some thong you didn’t Nintendo.

Here are a few autocorrects of text messages that are making the rounds:

Mom – Everything okay?  Haven’t heard from you in a few days.

Son – Yup.  Sorry mom just came out of the closet.

 Mom- Oh, Mat that is great.  I always had a hunch. I still love you no matter what

Son – Holy Shiite, Mom.  I am not gay.  I meant coming out of the clinic.  Auto correct.

Mom- oh.

Son – Wait, you think I am gay?????

Or this one

-So how did the date go last night, bro?

-We went to dinner.  Then I walked her home and killed her in the woods outside her house and left.

-Killing her seems a bit harsh, dude.  What did she do, order lobster and a fancy desert?

-KISSED!  Damn autocorrect….

Another random riddle: 

Q. What do Mack the Knife, Attila the Hun, and Winnie the Pooh all have in common.

A. Their middle name

A member of Congress was walking with her 10 year old daughter on the beach one day, when an enormous freak wave came and washed the girl quite out of sight. Immediately the Congresswoman, who had been a regular churchgoer most of her life, dropped to her knees on the sand, began to cry and clasped her hands together...
"Lord! - I know I have not been a very good believer, I have failed to attend church and ignored many of the issues of poor people in America today, I do most earnestly apologize for that...but if you will just give me back my little girl I promise I will faithfully follow the way Jesus taught us and never stray from the proper Christian path again, just please, please... give me my daughter back..."
After a pause there was an almighty crash of thunder, and a huge wave broke on the beach and the little girl was deposited, standing upright on the shore once again...
The Congresswoman looked up to the sky and said
"She was wearing a HAT!"

And in conclusion:

A man is standing on top of the safety wall at the edge of a New York Skyscraper leaning towards certain death. The doorman of the building bravely goes up to try and talk him down.
"Hey... guy...errm, you believe in God don't you?"
The man leans back away from the edge, "yes, yes I do"
"Well so do I! let's talk this thing..."
The man takes one mini-step away from the edge
The Doorman asks, "So which religion, which church are you?"
"I'm a Christian", he says, "Baptist",
"That's amazing, so am I!" said the doorman, "Which type of Baptist are you?"
"Northern Baptist", said the man taking a good step back from the roof edge.
"AMAZING! me too", said the doorman, "So, well, are you with the branch that sided with Pastor Corey?"
"YES! said the man.
"Die, you heretic  dog!" said the doorman pushing him off the roof.

Mo Money JOW #697

It is said that money is the root of all evil.  Or lack of money is the root of all evil. Or maybe rooting for money is the cause of all evil.  In these days of post Christmas bills I suspect that though few of us want to be evil most of us are willing to be a little bit naughty.  Money can't buy you happiness but it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery.

Money, the filthy euchre, is the theme of my jokes this week, more or less.

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Let me start with a knock knock joke:

Knock! Knock!
Who’s there?
Cash.
Cash who?
I didn’t realize you were some kind of nut!

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To publicize colon cancer screenings, an Idaho doctor suggested that a reminder be included in every tax notice. The idea was nixed.

"Recommending a colonoscopy in the same envelope as the tax notice may be considered ironic," said the county treasurer.

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A man goes into a bar and seats himself on a stool. The bartender looks at him and says, "What'll it be buddy?"

The man says, "Set me up with seven shots of your best Scotch and make them doubles."

The bartender does this and watches the man slug one down, then the next, then the next, and so on until all seven are gone almost as quickly as they were served. Staring in disbelief, the bartender asks why he's doing all this drinking.

"You'd drink them this fast too if you had what I have."

The bartender hastily asks, "What do you have pal?"

The man replies, "I have one dollar," and bolts.

+++++++++++++++++++++++

A crook mistakenly made a counterfeit $8 bill instead of a $10 bill. He decided to try it out anyway.
He went to the teller at the local bank and asked for change.
The teller looked at the $8 bill and gave the crook two $4 bills as change.

========================

A man knocks on the door of a woman known for her charity.

"Please, ma’am," he says when she opens up, "can you help this poor, tragic family down the block? The father just lost his job, and his wife is too ill to work. They’re about to be turned out into the cold streets unless someone can pay their rent."

"That’s the worst thing I’ve ever heard in my life!" says the woman. "May I ask who you are?"

"Their landlord."

…………………………………………

Driving back from Edinburg, Texas, I stopped at a fruit stand. It was deserted except for a large dog sleeping next to the cashbox. I stepped over the dog, helped myself to some produce, then opened the cashbox to pay. Taped to the inside of the lid was this note: "The dog can count."

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Visiting a college campus, the prospective student spotted a building called Hemingway Hall. "That’s nice," he says, "a building named for Ernest Hemingway."

"Actually," said the tour guide, "it’s named for Joshua Hemingway."

"Was he a writer?" the student asked.

"Yes. He wrote a big check."

**************

Coffee at Starbucks can be a bit pricey.  I think they need to rename some of their coffees:

For example:

·         Mocha Dinero

·         Cost-a-latte

·         Brokefest Blend

·         Excesso

·         Ka-Ching-accino

·         Goldbean Sachs

Dick sent me this notice on the AMA Position on the ACA.

The American Medical Association has weighed in on the new Affordable Care Act. The Allergists voted to scratch it, but the Dermatologists advised not to make any rash moves. The Gastroenterologists had sort of a gut feeling about it, but the Neurologists thought the Administration had a lot of nerve. The Obstetricians felt they were all laboring under a misconception. Ophthalmologists considered the idea shortsighted. Pathologists yelled, "Over my dead body!" while the Pediatricians said, 'Oh, Grow up!'
The Psychiatrists thought the whole idea was madness, while the Radiologists could see right through it. Surgeons decided to wash their hands of the whole thing. The Internists thought it was a bitter pill to swallow, and the Plastic Surgeons said, "This puts a whole new face on the matter."
The Podiatrists thought it was a step forward, but the Urologists were pissed off at the whole idea. The Cardiologists didn't have the heart to say no. In the end, the Proctologists won out, leaving the entire decision up to the assholes in Washington."

And from Kathie here is a story about one of her friends

After a meeting several days ago, I couldn't find my keys.   I quickly gave myself a personal "TSA Pat Down."   

They weren't in my pockets. Suddenly I realized I must have left them in the car.  Frantically,

I headed for the parking lot.   My husband has scolded me many times for leaving my keys in the car's ignition.  

He's afraid that the car could be stolen.   As I looked around the parking lot, I realized he was right.  

The parking lot was empty. I immediately called the police. I gave them my location, confessed that I had left my keys in the car, and that it had been stolen.

Then I made the most difficult call of all to my husband:

"I left my keys in the car and it's been stolen."                                               

There was a moment of silence. I thought the call had been disconnected, but then I heard his voice.

 "Are you kidding me?" he barked, "I dropped you off!" 

Now it was my turn to be silent.   

 Embarrassed, I said, "Well, come and get me."

He retorted, "I will, as soon as I convince this cop that I didn't steal your car!" 

And finally a quote provided by my wise friend Tor:

It is easy to sit up and take notice. What is difficult is getting up and taking action.

-- Honore de Balzac

Back to Work JOW #696

Many of my readers had to go back to work this week, ending the long holiday break.  In recognition of that I have a thought about some work-related jokes: first getting a job, then

I intended to get this set of jokes out yesterday which was the Feast of the Fabulous Wild Men day.  I got tied up and so am sending it out on National Dress Up your Pet Day.  Please don’t.

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

Boss: Who said that just because I tried to kiss you at last month's Christmas party, you could neglect your work around here?

Secretary: My lawyer.

Dan says this is why old men can’t get jobs:

Job Interviewer: "What is your greatest weakness?"
Old Man: "Honesty."
Job Interviewer: "I don't think honesty is a weakness."
Old Man: "I don't really give a damn what you think."

++++++++++++++++++

       

And young people are learning that there is nothing like a tattoo on your neck to let everyone know how uninterested you are at being employed.

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Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Officer asks a young engineer fresh out of the college, "And what starting salary are you looking for?"

The engineer replies, "In the region of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package."

The interviewer inquires, "Well, what would you say to a package of five weeks vacation, 21 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every two years, say, a red Corvette?"

The engineer sits up straight and says, "Wow! Are you kidding?"

The interviewer replies, "Yeah, but you started it."

*********************

  I applied for a job in Australia, but seems I don’t have the right koalifications.

  I love being a maze designer. I get completely lost in my work.

  Inspecting mirrors is a job I could really see myself doing.

  Sure I’m willing to work longer hours at work. As long as they’re lunch hours.

  My first job was working in an orange juice factory, but I got canned, I couldn’t concentrate.

  Then I worked in the woods as a lumberjack, but I just couldn’t hack it, so they gave me the axe.

  Next I tried working in a muffler factory but that was exhausting.

  I wanted to be a barber, but I just couldn’t cut it.

  Then I tried to be a chef–figured it would add a little spice to my life but I just didn’t have the thyme.

  Finally, I attempted to be a deli worker, but any way I sliced it, I couldn’t cut the mustard.

  My best job was being a musician, but eventually I found I wasn’t noteworthy.

  I became a professional fisherman, but discovered that I couldn’t live on my net income.

  Thought about becoming a witch, so I tried that for a spell.

  I managed to get a good job working for a pool maintenance company, but the work was just too draining.

  I got a job at a zoo feeding giraffes but I was fired because I wasn’t up to it.

  After many years of trying to find steady work I finally got a job as a historian until I realized there was no future in it.

  I quit my job working for Nike. Just couldn’t do it anymore.

  I worked very hard to get to where I am in life. An unemployed university graduate.

Of course if you have a job you may have a boss.  Here are some Boss Jokes

·         My Boss frequently gets lost in thought. That's because it's unfamiliar territory.

·         My Boss said to me " What you see as a glass ceiling, I see as a protective barrier.

·         My Boss needs a surge protector. That way his mouth would be buffered from surprise spikes in his brain.

·         I thought my Boss was an idiot, and quit, to work for myself. My new Boss is an idiot, too ... but at least I respect him.

·         My boss given automobile accident victims new hope for recovery. He walks, talks and performs rudimentary tasks, all without the benefit of a SPINE.

·         Some people climb the ladder of success. My Boss walked under it.

·         Quote from the Boss after overriding the decision of a task force he created to find a solution: " I'm sorry if I ever gave you the impression your input would have any effect on my decision for the outcome of this project!"

·         HR Manager to job candidate "I see you've had no computer training. Although that qualifies you for upper management, it means you're under-qualified for our entry level positions."

·         Quote from telephone inquiry "We're only hiring one summer intern this year and we won't start interviewing candidates for that position until the Boss' daughter finishes her summer classes.

·         The boss posted a sign which read "Today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday." I couldn't resist and added a note: "And now you know why too".

Of course I no longer work in business. I knew I was in trouble at work when:
...the new policy on sexual harassment included a photo of me.
...the Security guard made a complete inventory of my work area.
...my assistant began responding to my memos with, "Yeah, whatever."
...the Human Resources Dept requested an update of my arrest record.
...three people began helping me write a "desk manual" for my job.
...the LAN suddenly began backing-up my computer every 10 minutes.
...a large paper recycling box was placed next to my file cabinets.
...the receptionist began saying "Who ???" to anyone calling on me.

Finally, Bob provide a few puns:

*They did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.
* I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.
* A cross-eyed teacher lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils?
* Broken pencils are pointless.
* What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.
* England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool .
* I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.
* Velcro - what a rip off!
* Cartoonist found dead in home. Details are sketchy.