Government Approved JOW #1184

 There has been a lot of chatter about censorship lately. I acknowledge that there probably needs to be censorship at some level, mostly having to do with protecting children; but censorship of humor is usually toxic – especially censorship by governments.  Totalitarian governments are especially prone to this.  Recently a comedian had a little podcast showing his dogs unsuccessfully chasing a squirrel.  The comedian said in Mandarin – ‘Fine style of work, capable of winning battles.’  That is a catch phrase for the People’s Liberation Army.  It would by a little like a guy in the US showing a dog licking its privates and quipping, ‘Be All You Can Be.’  Pretty mild stuff.  But the CCP goons paid the comedian a visit.  The comedian was last seen recording a cringing apology and has dropped out of sight.  It is not just Chinese citizens who are being silenced for telling a bad joke.  Jamie Dimon, CEO of JPMorgan Chase, said that “the Communist Party is celebrating its 100th year — so is JPMorgan. I'd make a bet that we last longer." The executive also said he would be unable to make such a joke if he were in China.  It didn’t matter.  By Wednesday, Dimon was rapidly walking back the joke.  "I truly regret my recent comment because it's never right to joke about or denigrate any group of people, whether it's a country, its leadership, or any part of a society and culture," he said in a statement that was shared with CSB MoneyWatch. "Speaking in that way can take away from constructive and thoughtful dialogue in society, which is needed now more than ever."

 

In a daring move, I am going to make a few mild jokes about the CCP.  I will also throw in some about the Nazis, another group who famously had no sense of humor.

~~~~~~~~~~

Winning the hearts and minds of the people:

An old CCP euphemism for organ harvesting.

 

WHO investigators wanted to talk to the Wuhan scientists.

When they arrived to Wuhan Institute of Virology CCP officials informed them that unfortunately all the scientists have died after eating poison mushrooms.
WHO investigators were suspicious so they demanded that they exhume the bodies of dead scientists and check if they really died from eating poison mushrooms.
CCP officials grudgingly agree.
After they exhumed the first scientist the results of tests came back and indeed scientist did die from mushrooms.
CCP officials were happy, but WHO investigators decided to exhume another scientist.
Results were again the same. CCP officials were even happier.
Same thing happened for the third and fourth exhuming.
When they exhumed the firth scientists WHO investigators noticed dead scientist had a bullet hole in his forehead.
"How do you explain that?" they asked.
CCP official responded: "Ah, that guy did not want to eat mushrooms".

 

Sister Ya lived in communist China.

Although the church was allowed there, it lived under the rule of the CCP. The more the good sister saw, the less she could ignore. It started small, ministering people with verses dedicated to freedom and truth. But the oppression became more than she could bear. She started hiding pro-democracy pamphlets in her bible. She gave people instructions for bypassing the great firewall. She even started to reproduce banned materials at her home to sell them for a small profit.
All of this was forbidden and the local authorities took notice. One day there was a knock at her door. "Open up" they said as they broke down the door, "You are accused of undermining the harmony of Chinese society!"

I wish this story had a happy ending, I really do, but it was Nun Ya's business.

 

Here are some once dangerous jokes about the Nazis.

"Hitler and Goring are standing atop the Berlin radio tower. Hitler says he wants to do something to put a smile on Berliners' faces. So Goring says: 'Why don't you jump?'"

Don't laugh too hard though - a German factory worker was reportedly executed for telling this one.

 

Hitler visits the front and talks to a soldier. Hitler asks: "Friend, when you are in the front line under artillery fire, what do you wish for?"

The soldier replies: "That you, my Fuhrer, stand next to me!"

 

A high ranking Nazi official visiting Switzerland asks what a certain building is for. “That’s our Navy Ministry,” his Swiss host explains.

The Nazi laughs and says: “Why does Switzerland of a Ministry of the Navy? You only have 2 or 3 ships.”

The Swiss answers, “Why not? Germany has a ministry of justice.”

 

Hitler, Goering, Bormann and Goebbels are on a boat out at sea.
Huge storm blows in. The boat sinks.
Who is saved?

Germany.

 

A German man walked into the records office and asked to change his name.

The clerk asks the man's name and the man replies "My name is Adolf Stinkfoot."

The clerk is sympathetic and decides to allow the man to change his unfortunate name. "What do you want to change it to?" asks the clerk.

The man replies "Maurice Stinkfoot."

 

Shifting gears slightly.

The United Nations conducted a worldwide survey with one single question:
Would you please give your opinion about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?"
The survey was a huge failure:
* In Latin America, they didn't know what please meant ...
* In China, they didn't know what opinion meant ...
* In the Middle East, they didn't know what solution meant ...
* In Europe, they didn't know what shortage meant ...
* In Africa, they didn't know what food meant ...
* In the United States, they didn't know what the rest of the world meant.

 

And finally

Egyptian mummies were buried with their arms crossed in front of them apparently because they believed there would be countless water slides in the hereafter.

 

 

Dumb Old JOW #1183

 It seems like we live in a time when smart people are being silenced so that stupid people won’t be offended.  Well based on some of my past actions, I am well qualified to speak for stupid people so go right ahead and offend.  For example sometimes I will click on the remote several times for extra ‘lockiness’.   Here are some jokes about dumb people and some of the dumb things they do.

 

People write ‘conrats’ because it is too hard to spell congadjlashions’

 

Arguing with idiots is like playing chess with pigeons.  No matter how well you play, it will still crap on the board and strut around like it won.

 

Remember back before cell phones when we had to remember phone numbers?  I can still recall my old home phone.  Why didn’t that talent extend to remembering passwords?

 

I woke up this morning resolved to exercise more, drink less, and go on a strict diet.  But that was this morning when I was younger and still full of hope.

 

I don’t need glasses anymore, I drink right out of the bottle.

 

My winter fat has been replaced by spring rolls.

 

Police officer.  “Sir, I think you have been drinking.  Say the alphabet starting with ‘M’.

Scientist.  “Okay, Malphabet”

 

If a Lama with one L is a holy man in Tibet and a Llama with two L’s is a beast of burden what is a Lam with three L’s?

A big fire in Boston

 

When asked for his name by the coffee shop clerk, the man answered, “Marc, with a C.”

Minutes later, he was handed his coffee with his name written on the side: Cark. 

 

How many blondes does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Need to know ASAP

 

We had to have the garage door repaired.

The repairman told us that one of our problems was that we did not have a 'large' enough motor on the opener.

I thought for a minute, and said that we had the largest one made at that time, a 1/2 horsepower.

He shook his head and said, 'you need a 1/4 horsepower.'

I responded that 1/2 was larger than 1/4 and he said, 'NOOO, it's not. Four is larger than two.'

Yes, there is a thin line between a numerator and a denominator

 

The pedestrian light on the corner beeps when it's safe to cross the street.

I was crossing with a co-worker of mine.

She asked if I knew what the beeper was for.

I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red.

Appalled, she responded, 'what on earth are blind people doing driving?!'

 

A patient came to the hospital with a burned right hand. As the doctor took down his medical history, he asked the injured man, "Do you smoke?"

"Yeah, a pack and a half a day," said the patient.

Concerned, the doctor told him, "You should consider quitting."

"No, it's OK," said the patient. "I smoke with my left hand."

 

After football fans in Philadelphia were treated to a particularly excruciating loss earlier in the season, a man phoned a sports-radio talk-show host to say, “Everyone should call in and give one word for that game.”

“What’s your word?” the host replied.

“Bored out of my mind,” said the caller. 

 

A Twitter exchange between an angry customer and an apologetic Domino’s Pizza.

Customer: I ordered a Pizza & Came with no Toppings on it or anything, It’s Just Bread 

Domino’s: We’re sorry to hear about this! 

Customer (minutes later): Never mind, I opened the pizza upside down 

 

Just before the final exam in my college finance class, a less-than-stellar student approached the professor.

“Can you tell me what grade I would need to get on the exam to pass the course?” he asked. “The exam is worth 100 points. You would need 113 points to earn a D.”

“OK,” he said. “And how many points would I need to get a C?” 

 

Student: I don’t understand why my grade was so low. How did I do on my research paper? 

Teacher: Actually, you didn’t turn in a research paper. You turned in a random assemblage of sentences. In fact, the sentences you apparently kidnapped in the dead of night and forced into this violent and arbitrary plan of yours. These words clearly seemed to be placed on the pages against their will. You didn’t submit a research paper; you submitted a hostage situation.

Some quick unrelated jokes:

What did the surgeon say to the patient who insisted on closing up their own incision? Suture self.

 

When I told my contractor I didn’t want carpeted steps, they gave me a blank stare.

 

I was going to cook an alligator but then realized I only had a croc pot

 

My half-brother and I can’t play with chainsaws anymore.

 

Husband – “Why do you keep buying plants when you just end up killing them?

Wife – “Just to remind you what I’m capable of.”

 

How do you make a pirate angry? Take away the p.

 

Been reading up on the thesaurus lately because a mind is a terrible thing to garbage.

 

And finally another one of my favorites

A farmer had a three legged pig and his neighbor asked him why the pig had only three legs. "Well, I'll tell you" the farmer replied. "One day I was plowing my field and the tractor turned over and pinned me underneath. That pig ran for help. He saved my life".

"Oh, that's how he lost his leg?" the neighbor drawled.

"No. One night my wife and I were sound asleep and the house caught on fire. That pig woke us up. He saved our lives!"

"So that's how he lost his leg", stated the neighbor.

"No, that wasn't it" the farmer affirmed.

Exasperated, the neighbor demanded "Then how did he lose his leg?"

The farmer replied, "When you have a pig that good, you don't eat him all at once!"

 

 

Dead Funny JOW 1182

 I lost a couple friends this week.  As I grow older this will probably happen more frequently.  There is a Latin phrase ‘Memento Mori’ - remember that you die - one of the primary stoic principles. For obvious reasons, the concept of death has grown into something we dread. Death is most people’s biggest fear - they see it as the end.  Memento Mori reminds us that realizing our time is short helps us focus and appreciate what we have. Life is precious because it is fragile. Without death, life might be meaningless.  One thing for sure, I will find out for myself some day.  Knowing my luck I’m going to be reincarnated as me again. I have made jokes about lots of disparate subjects - well here are some jokes about death

=======

I always feel better when my doctor says something is normal for my age but then think dying will also be normal for my age at some point.

 

Do you know what the death rate around here is? One per person.

 

Roses are dead, violets are dead, I am a bad gardener.

 

Do you know the last thing my grandfather said to me before he kicked the bucket? “Grandson, watch how far I can kick this bucket.”

 

My obese parrot died. It was a real weight off of my shoulder.

 

My friend convinced me to visit Karl Marx’s grave. It turns out it’s just a communist plot.

 

I saw six men carrying a coffin in the cemetery. Each one of them was looking this way and that.

 

The Man Who Created Autocorrect Has Died. Restaurant In Peace.

 

The seven ages of man: spills, drills, thrills, bills, ills, pills, and wills.

 

I saw them again two hours later, and they were still carrying the coffin around the cemetery.  I thought to myself, “They’ve lost the plot.”

A few topical quotes.

·          “Always go to other people’s funerals. Otherwise, they won’t come to yours.” – Yogi Berra

·         “As soon as you’re born, you start dying. So you might as well have a good time.” -John M Mccrea

·         “At my age, I do what Mark Twain did. I get my daily paper, look at the obituaries page and if I’m not there, I carry on as usual.” —Patrick Moore (astronomer)

·         The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades, especially if your teammates are bad guessers.” —Demetri Martin (comedian) (Redd Fox actually died just that way, while on a set.)

·         “I intend to live forever or die trying.” —Groucho Marx (comedian)

·         “Either this man is dead, or my watch has stopped.” -Groucho Marx

·          “Death is a very dull, dreary affair, and my advice to you is to have nothing whatsoever to do with it.” —William Somerset Maugham (author)

·         “The art of dying graciously is nowhere advertised in spite of the fact that its market potential is great.” —Milton Mayer (author)

·         "My grandmother was a very tough woman. She buried three husbands and two of them were just napping." —Rita Rudner (comedian)

 

A man walks into a magic forest and starts to cut down a tree when it suddenly speaks. “You can’t cut me down,” the tree complains. “I’m a talking tree!”

The man responds, “You may be a talking tree now, but you will dialogue.”

 

No one has ever complained of a parachute not opening. Think about it.

 

For sale – parachute. Only used once.  Never opened.

 

Where can you find a good lawyer? In the cemetery.

 

Why couldn’t the T-Rex clap? Because he’s dead.

 

If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can’t see Chuck Norris, you may be only seconds away from death.

 

Smallpox, the Spanish Flu, and the Black Death have already done the whole global pandemic thing… What Covid was just plagiarism.

 

They say that breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Well, not if it’s poisoned. Then the antidote becomes the most important.

 

At the boss’ funeral, a disgruntled employee kneeled next to the coffin and whispered, “Who’s thinking outside the box now, Gary?”

 

The Bourbonic Plague is probably the most likely Black Death version that would hit any person with alcoholic abuse.

 

For all my life, my dad kept messing with the ledge above the fireplace, lengthening it, shortening it, sanding it, painting it. But he died last week. After I got home from the funeral, I compulsively got my tools out and raised the fireplace ledge six inches higher. I guess you could say I’ve taken up his mantel.

 

Lenny went on vacation and asked Bobby to watch over his house. About a week later, Lenny calls home and asked Bobby, “How’s my cat?”

Bobby hesitated a moment, then said “Your cat died.”

“What?! You shouldn’t have broken the news to me like that! You should have done it slowly. The first time I called, you should have told me she was on the roof. The second time I called, you should have said there was no way to get her down. The third time I called, you should have told me that you tried to get her off the roof, but she fell and died,” explained Lenny.

Bobby apologized and went about his day.

About a week later, Lenny called again and asked, “How’s my Granny?”

There was a long silence. Then Bobby answered, “Well, she’s on the roof.”

And finally

A man attended a funeral for his best friend. He approached the grieving widow,  and asked, “Do you mind if I say a word?”

“Sure. Go ahead,” she replied.

“Plethora,” he said and sat back down.

“Thank you,” the widow replied. “It means a lot.”

 The man nodded and then said “Bargain.”

“Thanks,” the woman responds. “That means a great deal.”

 

 

More old quotes JOW #1181

I find humor in lots of things as I age, including the art of aging itself.  This week I have collected a bunch of quotes (mostly) about getting older.  I hope you enjoy them.

 

To get back to my youth I would do anything in the world, except exercise, get up early, or be respectable." - Oscar Wilde 

 

"The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for." - Will Rogers 

 

“Men fight for liberty and win it with hard knocks.  Their children, brought up easy, let it slip away again, poor fools.  And their grandchildren are once again slaves.” – D.H. Lawrence

 

"Old age is like a plane flying through a storm. Once you are aboard there is nothing you can do about it." - Golda Meir 

 

"I’m so old that my blood type is discontinued." - Bill Dane 

 

"The older I get, the more clearly I remember things that never happened. - Mark Twain 

 

"Wisdom doesn’t necessarily come with age. Sometimes, age just shows up all by itself." - Tom Wilson 

 

"Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your retirement home."- Phyllis Diller 

 

"I don’t plan to grow old gracefully. I plan to have face-lifts until my ears meet." - Rita Rudner 

 

"I’m at that age where my back goes out more than I do." - Phyllis Diller 

 

"Nice to be here? At my age it’s nice to be anywhere." – George Burns 

 

"Don't let aging get you down. It's too hard to get back up." - John Wagner 

 

"First you forget names, then you forget faces, then you forget to pull your zipper up, then you forget to pull your zipper down." - Leo Rosenberg 

 

“Aging seems to be the only available way to live a long life.” - Kitty O’Neill Collins 

 

“Old people shouldn’t eat health foods. They need all the preservatives they can get.” – Robert Orben 

 

"It’s important to have a twinkle in your wrinkle." – Unknown 

 

"At my age, flowers scare me." - George Burns 

 

“I never go to the swimming pool if there are any kids around.” – Marco Polo

 

“I have successfully completed the thirty-year transition from wanting to stay up late to just wanting to go to bed." – Unknown 

 

"Nobody expects to trust his body much after the age of fifty." - Alexander Hamilton 

 

"The years between 50 and 70 are the hardest. You are always being asked to do things, and yet you are not decrepit enough to turn them down." - T.S. Elliot 

 

"At fifty, everyone has the face he deserves." - George Orwell 

 

"At age 20, we worry about what others think of us… at age 40, we don’t care what they think of us… at age 60 we discover they haven’t been thinking of us at all." - Ann Landers 

 

"When I was young, I was called a rugged individualist. When I was in my fifties, I was considered eccentric. Here I am doing and saying the same things I did then, and I’m labeled senile." - George Burns 

 

"I complain that the years fly past, but then I look in a mirror and see that very few of them actually got past." - Robert Brault 

 

"The important thing to remember is that I’m probably going to forget." – Unknown 

 

"As you get older three things happen. The first is your memory goes, and I can't remember the other two." - Sir Norman Wisdom 

 

“It’s paradoxical that the idea of living a long life appeals to everyone, but the idea of getting old doesn’t appeal to anyone.” - Andy Rooney  

 

“Birthdays are good for you. Statistics show that the people who have the most live the longest.” - Larry Lorenzon 

 

“The older I get, the better I used to be.” – Lee Trevino 

 

"You know you’re getting old when you can pinch an inch on your forehead." - John Mendoza 

 

"I was thinking about how people seem to read the bible a lot more as they get older, and then it dawned on me—they’re cramming for their final exam."- George Carlin 

 

"I don’t feel old. I don’t feel anything until noon. Then it’s time for my nap." - Bob Hope 

 

"I’m 59 and people call me middle-aged. How many 118-year-old men do you know?"- Barry Cryer 

 

"All men are the same age." - Dorothy Parker 

 

"I don't do alcohol anymore—I get the same effect just standing up fast." – Anonymous

 

“By the time you’re 80 years old you’ve learned everything. You only have to remember it.” - George Burns 

 

“Old age isn’t so bad when you consider the alternative.” – Maurice Chevalier 

 

"Getting older. I used to be able to run a 4-minute mile, bench press 380 pounds, and tell the truth." - Conan O’Brien

 

"I have reached an age when, if someone tells me to wear socks, I don’t have to." - Albert Einstein 

 

"We must recognize that, as we grow older, we become like old cars – more and more repairs and replacements are necessary." - C.S. Lewis 

 

"Old age comes at a bad time." – San Banducci

 

"Grandchildren don’t make a man feel old, it’s the knowledge that he’s married to a grandmother that does." - J. Norman Collie 

 

"You know you are getting old when everything hurts, and what doesn’t hurt doesn’t work." - Hy Gardner 

 

"When your friends begin to flatter you on how young you look, it’s a sure sign you’re getting old." - Mark Twain 

 

"You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks." - Joel Plaskett 

 

“It’s not your legs that are the first to go, it’s your sense of pride.” – Tom Pinney

And finally an off-topic joke

A man, a woman, and a dog were in a car which began to skid over the edge of a steep canyon.

The man and woman start arguing about the cause of the wreck.  The dog barks hysterically.  As the car sails over the cliff the man screams, "I was right, you know; bitches can't drive."
When first responders get to the scene and the car is eventually hauled back up, no one really knows what to make of the couple's dog seat-belted into the driver's seat.

 

 

Boys & Girls JOW #1180

 

The eternal battle between men and women has long been a rich source of humor.  I have a few jokes this week based more or less on gender conflict.  I hope you they bring a smile.

~~~~~~

Remember ladies.  If he isn’t wearing a diaper, you can’t change him.

 

Old man:  “When I die I’m gonna leave everything you.”

Old wife: “You already do.”

 

I’m pretty sure women spend more time wondering what men are thinking than men do actually thinking.

 

Men: the discrete bulge women find most attractive is a fat wallet.

 

Boobs are proof that men can concentrate on more than one thing at a time.

 

Love may be blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.

 

Famous quote: ‘She’s not that ugly’ – Jack Daniels

 

I tried a little flirting just to see if I still have it.  I don’t.

 

The wizard of Oz was really a chick flick.  It’s about two women fighting over a pair of shoes

The real Cat Woman doesn’t look like Julie Newmar.  More like Edith Bunker - with lots & lots of cats.

 

Never bother a woman who is looking for the answer to her problems in the bottom of a pint of ice cream.  Also avoid a woman who is drinking wine straight from the bottle.

 

“Honey, I broke a glass in the kitchen.  There is glass on the floor.”

“I’ll bring a broom.”

“It’s not that urgent.  You can come on foot.”

 

Mom brought in my dad’s urn and placed it on the mantle.  It was a bittersweet moment for everyone, especially my dad who was sitting there watching sports.

 

Have you noticed that gender reveal parties have suddenly become a bit more diverse lately?

 

The fastest land mammal is a toddler who has just been asked what’s in his mouth.

 

Never underestimate the power of a hug.  Or in some cases, a slap upside the head.  Whichever works.

 

If you are worried about Alexa listening to your conversation, they make a male version.  He never listens to anything.

 

An ‘Over the Rainbow’ conversation:

“I miss Kansas, Toto; and Boston, and Styx, and ZZ Top, Journey, and Oasis.”

 

Why Men Are Happier

·         Men can play with toys all their life. – Although this is changing; women can too, now.

·         Men can wear shorts no matter what their legs look like.

·         Men have one wallet and one pair of shoes which are good for every season.

·         Men can get ready to go out in ten minutes flat.

·         Men can choose whether or not to grow a mustache.

·         Men can "do" their fingernails with a pocket knife.

·         Men wake up looking like they did when they went to bed.  Women’s somehow decline.

·         Men only have to shave their faces and necks.

·         Men can keep the same hairstyle for years, even decades.

·         Men can do their Christmas shopping on Christmas Eve in an hour.

·         For men, wrinkles add character.

·         Men can go on a week's vacation and pack only one suitcase.

·         Men's new shoes don't cause blisters, or cut or mangle their feet.

·         Men don't have to stop and think which way to turn a screw.

·         Men can open all their own jars.

·         Men have one mood all the time.

·         A wedding dress costs over $5000. A tuxedo rental - 100 bucks

·         Weddings take care of themselves.

·         Men's last name never changes.

 

A man and woman are going at it in bed, when they hear a car out front.

The woman quickly says, "Hurry, out the window, it's my husband."
Frightened, the man grabs his pants and starts trying to get them on whilst climbing out the window.
Suddenly, he turns around and states
"Hang on, I'm your husband. Why would you say that?"
To which she responds
"So why did you try to run?"

 

A man and woman were in bed together.

The man wrapped his arms around the woman and said "Honey, am I the first man you've ever made love to?"

The woman sighed and said "Why does everyone ask me that?!"

 

Man and woman are out on a dinner date.

Waiter: "What will you be having tonight ma'am?"
Woman: "I'll have the salad, no nuts please."
Waiter: "Of course."
Man: "But it didn't say it had nuts."
Woman: "I'm allergic, so I tell them just to be safe."
Man: "That makes sense."
Waiter: "And for you, sir?"
Man: "I'll have the steak, no bees please."

 

An older couple are in a new relationship discussing boundaries

The man says: ‘So... What about sex? Is that on the table?’
The woman says: ‘No it’s in the bed.’

She then asks: ‘How often?’

‘Infrequently’, he replied.

‘Is that one word or two?’

 

A man and woman die on their way to get married.

They find themselves in a long line before the Pearly Gates. They spend time talking as they wait and decide to see if they can get married in heaven.
When it's their turn at the gate they ask St Peter if they even can get married in heaven.
"That's a good question. Wait here and I will get you an answer"
St Peter leaves the couple and a very long wait ensues. Finally St Peter returns. He look exhausted and worn.
"Ok" he says "you can get married in heaven, go on in"
"But wait! Eternity is a long time. What if things don't work out? Can we get a divorce in heaven?" They ask.
St Peter levels an angry glare at the couple.
"If it took me that long to find a priest in heaven, if you want a lawyer you can go to hell."

 

A young man and woman hit it off at a gathering and the conversation soon turns to talking about their families. The girl sighs and says, “I'm sure that wherever my dad is, he's looking down on us.”

“I’m sorry”, the boy says sympathetically.

”Oh, he's not dead.” replies the girl, “He’s just very condescending.”