Teeing it up JOW #975

First, an observation: perhaps I am just getting older and my tastes have changed, but when I see fast food commercials on television the food they show looks totally unappetizing – I would have to be really hungry to eat the food they are promoting.  Maybe it’s just a function of getting older.  Now to the jokes.

The weather is good in East Texas this time of year and we have plenty of outdoor events going on.  The Woodlands Ironman just finished yesterday; I wanted to do some triathlon jokes but apparently people take their extreme competitions very seriously as there are few jokes about swimming then biking then running extreme distances.  Fortunately there is a golf tournament here this coming weekend.   There are lots of jokes about golf.  I used to play but I didn’t just have a handicap.  It was more of a permanent disability.

Here are some jokes and comments about golf.

Consider these rich and famous men in 1923

1. The president of the largest steel company. Charles Schwab, died a pauper.
2. The president of the largest gas company, Edward Hopson, went insane.
3. The president of the NYSE, Richard Whitney, was released from prison to die at home.
4. The greatest wheat speculator, Arthur Cooger, died abroad, penniless.
5. The president of the Bank of International Settlement, shot himself.
6 The Great Bear of Wall Street, Cosabee Livermore, also committed suicide
However,
in that same year, 1923, the PGA Champion and the winner of the most important golf tournament, the US Open, was Gene Sarazen.  What became of him?
He played golf until he was 92, died in 1999 at the age of 95. He was financially secure at the time of his death. 

The Moral: Screw work. Play golf!

^^^^^^^^^^^

Duffer to his caddy – “Do you think it is a sin to play on Sunday?”

Caddy – “The way you play it’s a sin on any day.”
Duffer – “Do you think I can get there with a 5 iron?”

Caddy – “Eventually”

Duffer – “You have to be the worst caddie in the world.”

Caddy – “I don’t think so, sir.  It would be too much of a coincidence.”

·         What do most golfers have to shoot to win their tournament? The rest of the field…

·         What’s the difference between a golf ball and directions? A man will always look for a golf ball.

·         If the point of golf is to hit the ball less, if I don’t play at all, do I win?

·         What do a golfer and a very young child have in common? They can’t count past five.

·         If you drink, don’t drive. And don’t even putt.

What is the difference between a golfer and a fisherman?

When a golfer lies, he doesn’t have to bring anything home to prove it.

<<<<<<< 

A husband and wife were golfing when suddenly the wife asked: "Honey, if I died would you get married again?"

The husband said: "No sweetie."

The woman said: "I'm sure you would."

So the man said: "Okay, I would".

“Would you still live in our house with her?”

“Probably.”

Then the woman asked: "Would you let her sleep in our bed?"

And the man replied: "Yeah, I guess so."

Then the wife asked: "Would you let her use my golf clubs?"

And the husband replied: "No, she's left handed."

************

Two Mexican detectives were investigating the murder of Juan Gonzalez.

‘How was he killed?’ asked one detective.

‘With a golf gun,’ the other detective replied.

‘A golf gun?  What’s a golf gun?’

‘I don’t know, but it sure made a hole in Juan.’

++++++++++

A foursome watched as a lone player played up short of the green they were on. As they teed off on the next they noticed him quickly chip on and putt out, before running up to their tee and asking to play through.

Sensing their bewilderment, he said, “Sorry, I’ve just heard that my wife has had a terrible accident and may not make it!”

*************

After his proposal the prospective groom told his wife-to-be, “Honey, I’ve got something to confess: I’m a golf nut, and every chance I get, I’ll be playing golf!”

“Since we’re being honest,” replies the bride, “I have to tell you that I’m a hooker.”

The groom replies, “That’s okay, honey. You just need to learn to keep your head down and your left arm straight.”

==============
One day a player asked his coach: “What is going wrong with my game?”

“You’re standing too close to the ball after you’ve hit it.”

-----------------

A man playing golf on the 17th hole stood at the tee to hit his shot. He made a slice that went over the bushes, bounced on the road and into a bus tire, which kicked the ball back across the fairway, and onto the green, a few feet from the hole. "How on earth did you pull that off?" asked another golfer.

"You gotta know the bus schedule," he said.

````````````````````

We had a power outage last week and my PC, TV and game console shut down. It was raining so I couldn’t golf. So I had to talk to my wife for a few hours. She seems like a nice person.

__________
How many golfers does it take to change a lightbulb?

Fore.

Some tasteless golf expressions:

An Adolf Hitler - taking two shots in a bunker
A Rodney King - over-clubbed
An O.J. Simpson - somehow got away with it
A Condom - safe but didn't feel real good
A Twiggy - a bit thin
A Salman Rushdie - an impossible read
A Rock Hudson - thought it was straight, but it wasn't

And finally a husband/wife joke.

We were out digging some irrigation ditches when my husband got stung on the forehead by a bee.  He is in the ER now.  His face is swollen and bruised.  It sure was lucky that I was close enough to swat that bee with my shovel.

Grim Reaper Humor #974

The Baliman told me this joke:

An old farmer was sitting on his porch when an insurance agent come up to him.

“Sir, have you ever considered getting a life insurance policy to provide for your family when you pass?”

“Nope,” the old farmer said, “I don’t want nobody being happy about me dying.”

That got me thinking about dead jokes; not a subject normally associated with humor.  But, as I have found, we can make jokes about almost anything.   Let me start with some Grim Reaper humor.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

At least the Grim Reaper is better than the IRS.  He only comes once.  I bet the Grim Reaper doesn’t like his job.  He just does it for a living.  What do you think the Grim Reaper’s spouse says as he is heading out to work, ‘Knock ‘em dead?”

^^^^^^^^^^^^

The old man looked up at the black-robed spectral figure before him, scythe in hand.  “I am Death,” the specter said.

“Me, too,” said the dotard, “so speak up.”

>>>>>>>>>> 

 The old woman looked up at the black-robed spectral figure before her, scythe in hand.  “I am Death,” the specter said.

“Well, aren’t you a tall drink of water.  I really like that look with the black robe.  Are you here alone?” the old woman said, flirting with death.

<<<<<<<<<<<< 

·         Chuck Norris died 20 years ago, Death just hasn't built up the courage to tell him yet.

·         What do you call a dead fly? – A flew.

·         What do you call a dead parrot? Polygon

·         And remember, the death rate never changes.  It is always one per person.

But no more joking about the agent of death.  There could be grim reaper-cussions

Okay, one more:

Three dead bodies are delivered to the mortuary one day. Each of them has a great big smile on their face.

The coroner examines the bodies and then calls the police to tell them what has happened.

“First body: Frenchman, 60, died of heart failure while making love to his mistress. Hence the enormous smile, Inspector”, says the coroner.

“Second body: Scotsman, 25, won a thousand pounds on the lottery, spent it all on whisky. Died of alcohol poisoning, hence the smile.”

The inspector then asks, “What about the third body?”

“Ah,” says the coroner, “This is the most unusual one. Billy-Bob the redneck from Oklahoma, 30, struck by lightning.”

“Why is he smiling then?” asks the inspector.

“He thought he was having his picture taken.”

On a lighter note, Gary gave me these little one-liners

·         I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.

·         She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.

·         A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class, because it was a weapon of math disruption.

·         No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.

·         A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.

·         A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart

·         Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

·         A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.

·         Meanwhile, some stole all the toilets in police station.  The police have nothing to go on.

·         Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

·         Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other: 'You stay here; I'll go on a head.'

·         I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.

·         A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: 'Keep off the Grass.'

·         The midget fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

·         The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

·         A backward poet writes inverse.

·         In a democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your count that votes.

·         A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at him and says, 'I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger.'

·         When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.

·         If you jumped off the bridge in Paris, you'd be in Seine .

Finally, one from Bill

Teacher said:

Let's begin by reviewing some history. Who said: 'Give me Liberty, or give me Death!'?

She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Little Akio, a bright foreign exchange student from Japan, who had his hand up:

"Patrick Henry, 1775," he said.

"Very good!  "Who said:  'Government of the People, by the People, for the People, shall not perish from the Earth!'?"

Again, no response except from Little Akio:

"Abraham Lincoln, 1863."

"Excellent!" said the teacher continuing. "Let's try one a bit more difficult.

"Who said, 'Ask not what your Country can do for you, but what you can do for your Country'?"

Once again, Akio's was the only hand in the air and he said:

"John F. Kennedy, 1961."

The teacher snapped at her class, "Class, you should be ashamed of yourselves. Akio isn't from this country and he knows more about our history than you do."

She hears a loud whisper:.. "F--k the Japs."

"Who said that? I want to know right now," she angrily demanded.

Little Akio put his hand up,

"General MacArthur, 1944."

At that point, a student in the back said, "I'm gonna puke."

The teacher glares around and asks, "All right! Now, who said that?"

Again, Little Akio says,

"George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991."

Now furious, the same student yells, "Suck this!"

Little Akio jumps out of his chair waving his hand and shouts to the teacher. "Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!"

The teacher fainted.

As the class gathered around the teacher on the floor, someone said,

"Damn, we’re screwed."

Little Akio said quietly,

"Chuck Schumer when Trump got elected in 2016."

Tax Time JOW #973

Yesterday was April 15, Tax Day.  Tax Day is the day that ordinary Americans send their money to Washington, D.C., and wealthy Americans send their money to the Cayman Islands.

People who struggle with their income tax can be divided into two categories: Men and women.  Of course, some people smugly file on the very first day they can.  People who file their taxes on the first day are the grown-up version of the kids who ask the teacher for extra homework in school. 

Here are some thoughts about taxes from a variety of sources.

Indoors or out, no one relaxes
In March, that month of wind and taxes,
The wind will presently disappear,
The taxes last us all the year.
—Ogden Nash

Optimist: Someone who sets aside a couple of hours to do his income tax return.”
—Author Unknown

“The present tax code is about 10 times longer than the Bible, a lot more complicated, and, unlike the Bible, contains no good news.”
—Don Nickles, former U.S. senator,

“Taxation without representation is tyranny. “
—A slogan of the Revolutionary War and the years before, attributed to James Otis, Boston lawyer “Taxation with representation ain’t so hot either.”
—Gerald Barzan

“Tax reform is taking the taxes off things that have been taxed in the past and putting taxes on things that haven’t been taxed.”
—Art Buchwald

“Next to being shot at and missed, nothing is really quite as satisfying as an income tax refund.”
—F.J. Raymond

A tax loophole is something that benefits the other guy. If it benefits you, it is tax reform.”
—Russell B. Long, former U.S. Senator

“Income tax returns: the most imaginative fiction written today. “
—Herman Wouk

The income tax has made more liars out of the American people than golf has. Even when you make a tax form out on the level, you don't know when it's through if you are a crook or a martyr."

-- Will Rogers

"On my income tax [Form] 1040 it says "Check this box if you are blind." I wanted to put a check mark about three inches away."

-- Tom Lehrer

The only difference between a tax man and a taxidermist is that the taxidermist leaves the skin. – Mark Twain

"The hardest thing in the world to understand is the Income Tax."

-- Albert Einstein

+++++++++++++++++

An IRS agent is walking through Brackenridge Park when a mugger jumps out and yells “Give me all your money!”

The IRS agent says, “You can’t do this after all I work for the IRS.”

At which point, the mugger yells: “OK, give me all MY money!”

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

A dad walks into a market followed by his ten-year-old son. The kid is spinning a quarter in the air and catching it between his teeth. As they walk through the market someone bumps into the boy at just the wrong moment and the coin goes straight into his mouth and lodges in his throat. He immediately starts choking and going blue in the face and Dad starts panicking, shouting and screaming for help.
A middle-aged, fairly unnoticeable man in a gray suit is sitting at a coffee bar in the market reading his newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee.
At the sound of the commotion, he looks up, puts his coffee cup down on the saucer, neatly folds his newspaper and places it on the counter. He gets up from his seat and makes his unhurried way across the market. Reaching the boy, the man carefully takes hold of the kid's testicles and squeezes gently but firmly.
After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the quarter, which the man catches in his free hand. Releasing the boy, the man hands the coin to the father and walks back to his seat in the coffee bar without saying a word.
As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no lasting ill-effects, the father rushes over to the man and starts effusively thanking him saying "I've never seen anybody do anything like that before. It was fantastic! Are you a doctor?"
"Oh, good heavens, no," the man replies, "I work for the Internal Revenue Service."

=============

A businessman on his deathbed called his friend and said, "Bill, I want you to promise me that when I die you will have my remains cremated."
"And what," his friend asked, "do you want me to do with your ashes?"
The businessman said, "Just put them in an envelope and mail them to the Internal Revenue Service and write on the envelope, "Now you have everything."

Those jokes led me to think about accounting which led to accountants.
Have you heard the joke about the interesting accountant? No? Me either.

Accountants are not boring people. They just get excited over boring things.  Accounting is far from the most boring profession.  Think of actuaries.  What do actuaries do to liven up their office party? Invite an accountant.

-------

How many accountants does it take to change a light bulb? How much money do you have?

_____

An accountant is someone who solves a problem you didn't know you had in a way you don’t understand.

***********

An accountant is having a hard time sleeping and goes to see his doctor.
"Doctor, I just can't get to sleep at night."
"Have you tried counting sheep?"
"That's the problem - I make a mistake and then spend three hours trying to find it."

And even accountants have people to look down upon

Why do economists exist? So accountants have someone to laugh at.

……….

What is the definition of an economist?

Someone who didn’t have enough personality to become an accountant.

My last joke this week:

Two accountants are in a bank, when armed robbers burst in. While several of the robbers take the money from the tellers, others line the customers, including the accountants, up against a wall, and proceed to take their wallets, watches, etc. While this is going on accountant number one takes some money out and jams it in accountant number two’s hand. Without looking down, accountant number two whispers, “What is this?” to which accountant number one replies, “it’s that $50 I owe you.”

This and That JOW #972

I rely on people sending me jokes to fill in my JOW.  Often I will get several versions of the same joke from different people, which is fine, because I can use all the help I can get.  Once I get started I can usually think of several other jokes to fill my self-imposed quota of ‘about’ a thousand words.  It is good mental discipline. 

And on a political note: I predict that whenever the Mueller report is finally released lawmakers from both side will immediately cherry pick whichever sections they can find to ‘prove’ that either 1) Trump is completely exonerated or 2) Trump is guilty and should be impeached.  Remember that most congressmen are lawyers who can argue convincingly on any side of any issue so long as it accrues them political advantage.

Now back of jokes other that our politicians.  Here is a joke I have received several times, usually applied to various political figures.  I have instead substituted a lawyer as, of course, everybody hates lawyers.

>>>>>>>>>>>>> 

An associate of a divorce lawyer came up to him and told the lawyer about the fantastic dream he had other night.  It was about the lawyer.  There was a humongous parade. People lined the street, cheering when as the lawyer went past.  It was the biggest celebration the man had ever seen.

The lawyer was very impressed and said, "That's really great!  By the way, how did I look in your dream?  Was my hair OK?
His friend said, "I couldn't tell, the casket was closed".

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

Bill walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged man standing at the counter enthusiastically writing addresses on bright pink envelopes covered with hearts.
He then takes out a scent bottle and starts spraying perfume over them. Bill’s curiosity gets the better of him and he walks over to the man and asks him what he’s doing.
“I’m sending out 1,000 Valentine’s Day cards signed, ‘Guess who?’” says the man.
“Why on earth are you doing that?” asks Bill.
“Because I’m a divorce lawyer.” replies the man.

````````````
Two old friends met.  One, who always prided himself on having the best of everything, started bragging about his new hearing aid.  “It’s the most expensive one you can buy; it cost me $4000.”

“What kind is it?” his friend asked politely.

“It’s 4:15.”

<<<<<<<<<<<<<< 

The old wife turned to her old husband and asked, “Do I look fat?”

To which he replied, “Do I look stupid?”

+++++++++++++++++++++++

Some tech thoughts:

·         As a kid I used to watch The Wizard of Oz and wonder how someone could talk if they didn’t have a brain.  Then I got Facebook.

·         Technically, Moses was the first person with a tablet downloading data from the Cloud.

·         I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon at the same time.  I’ll let you know.

A wife texted her husband this winter.

‘Windows frozen.  Won’t open.’

The husband texts back, ‘Gently pour some lukewarm water over it and tap the edges with a hammer.’

Wife texts back – ‘Computer really messed up now.’

Some alcohol-related jokes:

·         The old bull rider said that he was kinda glad dinosaurs are extinct because I am pretty sure that after a few drinks I would have tried to ride one.

·         Ladies, don’t forget that alcohol helps remove stress… and bras…. And panties.

·         Dear alcohol.  We had a deal.  You were going to make me funnier, sexier, and a better dancer.  I saw the video.  We need to talk.

·         I may be older but I still don’t need glasses.  I can drink right out of the bottle.

·         Drinking at home is much better because you can drink in your pajamas and there’s no last call.

Two terrible puns:

The two paranormal investigators were discussing the spirit they had recently encountered.

“It was like it could hear everything we said,” one commented.

“Yes, it could hear very well,” agreed his co-worker.  “It was eerie.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

My cousin died last week he needed a blood transfusion but we didn’t know his blood type.  He just kept saying “b positive b positive” but it’s hard to be positive with him gone

And finally:

Poor Joe was plagued by headaches for years.  Finally, he found a doctor who had a cure.

The doctor said, "Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles."

Joe was shocked and depressed about this option but in the end he had no choice but to go under the knife.

When he left the hospital, he was without a headache for the first time in years.  As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life. He saw a men's clothing store and thought, "That's what I need ... a new suit. That'll make me feel a little better."

He entered the shop and told the salesman, "I'd like a new suit."

The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, "Let's see ... size 44 long." Joe laughed, "That's right, how did you know?"

"Been in the business 40 years!" the tailor said. Joe tried on the suit ... it fit perfectly.

As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about a new shirt?" Joe thought for a moment and then said, "Sure."

The salesman eyed Joe and said, "Let's see, 34 sleeves and 16-1/2 neck." Joe was surprised. "That's right, how did you know?"

"Been in the business 40 years."

Joe tried on the shirt and it fit perfectly. Joe walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, "How about some new underwear?" Joe thought for a moment and said, "Sure."

The salesman said, "Let's see ... size 36." Joe laughed, "Ah ha! I got you, I've worn a size 34 since I was 18 years old."

The salesman shook his head, "You can't wear a size 34. A size 34 would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache."

Wise acre JOW #971

I was still on an academic-humor kick and was planning on doing more jokes about egg heads and the folly of some over educated fools.  I have found jokes about people like that from the ancient Greeks. 

Too often they know the too much to be really useful. They have forgotten that knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad

Here are some wise-acre jokes for this week.

Once upon a time there was a learned sage who was famous for his learning and virtue.  He had many disciples who studied with him.

One day, while teaching his students, a shaft of light suddenly illuminated him and a voice echoed down. 

“You have lived a virtuous life and so you are being granted a gift.  You may either have great wisdom or great wealth.  Which do you choose?”

As his followers expected, the sage immediately said, “Wisdom.”

“It is done.” And the light faded.

The sage sat there for a few minutes before his students approached him and cautiously asked, “Master, are you wise now?”

“Yes,” he nodded sadly.

“Give us some of your wisdom.”

“I should have taken the money.”

++++++++++++++++++++++++

A liberal arts major was desperate for a job that did not involve delivering pizzas.  Finally he went looking for a job on a building site. The foreman, in need or workers says all he has to do is answer two questions correctly and they will give him the job.

"The first question is, 'what is your name?",
he answers," errr, that would be Michael ...Michael Connor,"
"OK, the next question is, 'What's the difference between a joist and a girder?'..."
"Oh, that's easy," says Michael,
"Joyce wrote Ulysses, Goethe wrote Faust". 

``````````````````````````````````

A university student delivered a pizza to an old man's house.
"I suppose you want a tip?" says the old man.
"That would be great," says the student, "but the other guy who does deliveries told me not to expect too much – he said if I got a buck, I'd be lucky."
The old man looks hurt. "Well, to prove him wrong, here's $5. What are you studying?"
"Applied psychology," replies the student 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A university writing class were given an exercise - to write as short a short story as possible using three themes - religion, sexuality and mystery.
The only A+ entry was as follows:
"Good God, I'm pregnant, I wonder who did it?"

=======================

A teacher was having a little trouble getting her pupils to understand grammar, "These are what we call the pronouns", she said, "and the way we use them with verbs; I am, you are, he/she is..." she was saying, to glazed looks.
Trying a different tack she said, "Johnny, give me a sentence with the pronoun, "I" in it.
Johnny began, "I is..."
"No, no, no, no, NO!” shouted the teacher, "Never, 'I is', always, 'I am'... now try again".
Johnny looked puzzled and a little hurt, thought a while then began again more quietly, “I... am ...the ninth letter of the alphabet".

More random thoughts

·         I don't do drugs anymore. These days I find I get the same effect just by standing up really fast.

·         It's easy to distract fat people. It's a piece of cake.

·         I realized I was dyslexic when I went to a toga party. Dressed as a goat.

·         Cats have nine lives. Which makes them ideal for experimentation.

·         Shopping tip: You can get shoes for a buck at bowling alleys.

·         I enjoy using the comedy technique of self-deprecation - but I'm not very good at it.

·         The closest I ever got to a 4.0 in high school/college was my blood alcohol content.

·         Question: What do Mack the Knife, Winnie the Pooh, and Attila the Hun have in common?
Answer: Their middle names.

·         If you're being chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel, then on to a little seesaw, and then jump through a hoop of fire. They're trained for that.

·         Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can't even get into my own pants.

·         Last week I told my psychiatrist, “I keep thinking about suicide,” and he told me from now on I have to pay in advance.

----------------

A lady came up to me on the street and pointed at my suede jacket. "You know a cow was murdered for that jacket?" she sneered.
I replied in my usual calm detached manner, "I didn't know there were any witnesses... Now I'll have to kill you too."

Finally, a few thoughts for the ladies:

·         Men who have pierced ears are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain AND bought jewelry.

·         A good place to meet a man is at the dry cleaners. These men usually have jobs and bathe.

·         Men have an easier time buying bathing suits. Women have two types: depressing and more depressing. Men have two types: nerdy and not nerdy.

·         Men have higher body temperatures than women. If your heating goes out in winter, I recommend sleeping next to a man. Men are like portable heaters that snore.

·         Most men hate to shop. That's why the men's department is usually on the ground floor of a department store, two feet from the door.

·         No man is charming all of the time. Even Cary Grant is on record saying he wished he could be Cary Grant.

·         Men are less sentimental than women. No man has ever seen the movie The Way We Were twice... voluntarily.

·         Men are self-confident because they grow up identifying with superheroes. Women have bad self-images because they grow up identifying with Barbie.

·         Every woman’s dream – A big handsome man takes her in his arms, throws her in bed…. And cleans the whole house while she takes a nap.

·         What are three words a woman never wants to hear when she's making love? "Honey, I'm home!"