In honor of the impending royal wedding, I am tapping a rich vein of the battle of the sexes – specifically wedding jokes.
Dick forwarded some quips on marriage from the London Telegraph…
Wedding Toasts:
• “Ladies and gentleman, if I could just say a few words… I’d be a better public speaker.”
• “As Henry the Eighth once said to one of his wives, I won’t keep you long.”
• “I hope everyone is enjoying this very special day so far. It’s been an emotional day. Even the cake is in tiers.”
• “Before I start, I’d like to say that, as usual, [insert bride’s name] looks like one in a million – unlike [insert groom’s name], who look like he’s been won in a raffle.”
• “I am not going to speak for long because of my throat. [Insert bride’s name] said she would cut it if I said too much.”
• “When [insert groom’s name] asked me to be his best man, I had no hesitation in accepting. We’ve been through a lot together… and it’s nice to see so many of them here today.”
• “They say relationships are built on trust and understanding. Well, she doesn’t trust him and he doesn’t understand her.”
• “Would the bride and groom now turn and face each other, look deep into each other’s eyes… you are now staring at the person who is statistically most likely to murder you.”
And some marriage observations:
• “A man is not complete until he is married, then he is finished.”
• “I always cry at weddings, especially my own.”
• “Before marriage a man yearns for the woman he loves. After marriage, the Y becomes silent.” Anonymous
• “I love being married. It’s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.” Rita Rudner
• “Marriage is an investment that pays dividends if you pay interest.” Bob Monkhouse
• “Before marriage, a girl has to make love to a man to hold him. After marriage, she has to hold him to make love to him.” Marilyn Monroe
• “Marriage is like a cage; one sees the birds outside desperate to get in, and those inside equally desperate to get out.” Michel de Montaigne
• “After all these years, I see that I was mistaken about Eve in the beginning; it is better to live outside the Garden with her than inside it without her.” Mark Twain
• “There is no greater happiness for a man than approaching a door at the end of a day, knowing someone on the other side of that door is waiting for the sound of his footsteps.” Ronald Reagan. Of course Ronald was referring to his pet dogs.
• “Marriage is a wonderful institution – but who wants to live in an institution?” Groucho Marx
• Marriage is not a word. It is a sentence (a life sentence!).
• Marriage is an institution in which a man loses his Bachelor's Degree and the woman gets her Masters.
• There was this man who muttered a few words in the church and found himself married. A year later he muttered something in his sleep and found himself divorced
• It doesn't matter how often a married man changes his job, he still ends up with the same boss.
• A man who says marriage is a 50-50 proposition doesn't understand two things:
1 - Women, and 2 - Fractions.
……………………………………..
The pastor noticed that the bride was in great distress so asked her what was wrong. She replied that she was nervous and afraid she would not remember what to do. The old pastor told her that she only needed to remember 3 things.
First the aisle, because that is what you'll be walking down; secondly, the altar because that is where you will arrive; finally, remember hymn because that is a type of song we will sing during the service. While the bride was walking to the wedding march, family and friends of the groom were horrified to hear her repeating these 3 words. . . Aisle, alter, hymn (I'll alter him!)
=======================
A businessman boarded a plane to find, sitting next to him, an elegant woman wearing the largest, most stunning diamond
ring he had ever seen. He asked her about it.
"This is the Klopman diamond," she said. "It is beautiful, but there is a terrible curse that goes with it."
"What's the curse?" the man asked.
"Mr. Klopman."
----------------------------------
Three weeks after her wedding day, Joanna called her minister. "Reverend," she wailed, "John and I had a DREADFUL fight!"
"Calm down, my child," said the minister, "it's not half as bad as you think it is. Every marriage has to have its first fight!"
"I know, I know!" said Joanna, "but what am I going to do with the BODY?"
Tuesday, April 26, 2011
Friday, April 22, 2011
Bare Naked JOW
The long dreaded Houston summer has begun and it is still only April. At least the problem of what to wear is much simpler – as little as is decent. That got me thinking about going ‘neckies’ ask the kids put it. I know a fair number of jokes about nudity, and some of them are clean enough to fit JOW standards
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"It's just too hot to wear clothes today," said the husband as he stepped out of the shower. "Honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like -
"Probably that I married you for your money," the wife replied.
================================
According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just grateful.
_________________________________
A couple went to a gallery to look at some art. One painting was of a beautiful, naked woman with only a little foliage covering the appropriate areas. The wife thought the picture was in bad taste and moved on quickly, but the husband lingered, completely transfixed.
"What are you waiting for?" called his wife. "Autumn?"
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Some observations about nudism:
• Why is it that most nudists are people you don't want to see naked?
• A naked man fears no pickpocket.
• Bare butts are cool.
• A Buddhist nudist practices yoga bare.
• When you think about it, a harp is a just a nude piano.
• Nudist Resort sign - Sorry, Clothed for Winter.
• Nudists are people who wear one-button suits.
• Senior Citizen Nude Beach ahead. Watch for Golden Oldies
• A peephole has been found in the fence at the Sunny Dale Nudist Resort, police are looking into it
………………………………………………….
I saw a button/pin from the American Association For Nude Recreation, extolling the virtues us nudism.
I just want to know, where would a nudist *put* such a pin?
---------------------------------------
Down in Florida, there's a little hotel, four floors high. A girl used to sun bathe up there. Since there was no one around and there were no higher hotels near it, one day she decided to take off her bathing suit and get an all over tan. As she was in the nude lying on her stomach she heard someone coming up the steps. She quickly grabbed the towel and put it around her.
A man approached her and said, "I wish you wouldn't sunbathe in the nude up here."
She said, "You never protested before."
He said, "No, but I wish you would do it like you did before, in your bathing suit.
" She said, "Why do you care? No one can see."
He said, "Madam, you happen to be lying on the skylight of the dining room."
Two old ladies were walking in the park at a retirement community.
The first old lady said, "I might as well die now, I've done everything and there is nothing left to live for."
Her elderly friend replied "I know something you haven't done. It's called streaking."
First old lady- "Streaking? I've never heard of that."
Second old lady - "You go behind this bush and take off all your clothes. I'll take them across the park and when I give you the high sign, you run naked through the park".
First old lady "Well, that sounds exciting; I’ll do it."
As she dashes out and runs through the park she passes two old men on a park bench.
First old man - "What was that?"
Second old man - "I don't know but it sure needed ironing."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"It's just too hot to wear clothes today," said the husband as he stepped out of the shower. "Honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like -
"Probably that I married you for your money," the wife replied.
================================
According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just grateful.
_________________________________
A couple went to a gallery to look at some art. One painting was of a beautiful, naked woman with only a little foliage covering the appropriate areas. The wife thought the picture was in bad taste and moved on quickly, but the husband lingered, completely transfixed.
"What are you waiting for?" called his wife. "Autumn?"
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Some observations about nudism:
• Why is it that most nudists are people you don't want to see naked?
• A naked man fears no pickpocket.
• Bare butts are cool.
• A Buddhist nudist practices yoga bare.
• When you think about it, a harp is a just a nude piano.
• Nudist Resort sign - Sorry, Clothed for Winter.
• Nudists are people who wear one-button suits.
• Senior Citizen Nude Beach ahead. Watch for Golden Oldies
• A peephole has been found in the fence at the Sunny Dale Nudist Resort, police are looking into it
………………………………………………….
I saw a button/pin from the American Association For Nude Recreation, extolling the virtues us nudism.
I just want to know, where would a nudist *put* such a pin?
---------------------------------------
Down in Florida, there's a little hotel, four floors high. A girl used to sun bathe up there. Since there was no one around and there were no higher hotels near it, one day she decided to take off her bathing suit and get an all over tan. As she was in the nude lying on her stomach she heard someone coming up the steps. She quickly grabbed the towel and put it around her.
A man approached her and said, "I wish you wouldn't sunbathe in the nude up here."
She said, "You never protested before."
He said, "No, but I wish you would do it like you did before, in your bathing suit.
" She said, "Why do you care? No one can see."
He said, "Madam, you happen to be lying on the skylight of the dining room."
Two old ladies were walking in the park at a retirement community.
The first old lady said, "I might as well die now, I've done everything and there is nothing left to live for."
Her elderly friend replied "I know something you haven't done. It's called streaking."
First old lady- "Streaking? I've never heard of that."
Second old lady - "You go behind this bush and take off all your clothes. I'll take them across the park and when I give you the high sign, you run naked through the park".
First old lady "Well, that sounds exciting; I’ll do it."
As she dashes out and runs through the park she passes two old men on a park bench.
First old man - "What was that?"
Second old man - "I don't know but it sure needed ironing."
Thursday, April 14, 2011
Dry JOW
Most of Texas is in an ‘exceptional drought’; and when you are talking exceptionally dry for west Texas that is dry indeed. Wild fires have burned over a hundred thousand acres of the western part of the state. I have been to west Texas; I bet the fires did hundreds of dollars of damage.
However with dryness on my mind I have chosen some elements of what might be considered dry humor. And a water joke. And some funny new words. Read on, you are bound to find something to amuse you.
--------------------------------
Mahatma Gandhi was asked by an English journalist what he thought of Western Civilization. Gandhi replied, "Ahhh; that would be a very good idea."
• "Our bombs are smarter than the average high school student. At least they can find Iraq." ~ A. Whitney Brown
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A passenger on a bus asked the conductor, "Is smoking permitted here?"
"No," said the conductor.
"Well, Where did all these cigarette butts come from?"
"From people who didn't ask questions." replied the man in uniform.
+++++++++++++++
A woman with her new baby got on a bus.
"My goodness," said the conductor. "What an ugly baby! I have never seen an uglier child."
Upset with the conductor's behavior, the lady complained to the inspector who had just boarded the bus.
The inspector gave her a paper and pen and said, "Write down the complaint, madam. And while you write I will hold your monkey."
==============
A woman, seeking to make her husband a bit jealous told him a that a man passing her on the street that day had greeted her with 'Hello gorgeous.'
Her husband replied, with a straight face, 'What color was his guide dog?'
………………………………..
A pair of tourists were wandering in a west Texas field when they discovered an abandoned well near an old farm house. Of course they're curious so they drop a small stone into the well, but they never hear it hit bottom. They search and find a larger rock and drop it into the well but once again hear nothing. They decide they need something larger and search the farm yard for a larger object. After much struggle, they manage to drag a large railroad tie to the edge of the well and drop it over the edge.
After several seconds, a goat tears across the yard and without any hesitation, dives right into the open hole. The two tourists stand in amazement. About a minute later, a farmer appears and tells them he is looking for a lost goat. The tourists tell the farmer about the goat diving into the well.
"That couldn't be my goat", the farmer replies, "My goat was grazing in the field roped to a railroad tie!"
----------------------------
Dry Marketing:
You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and say, "I'm fantastic in bed." That's Direct Marketing.
You're at a party and see a gorgeous girl. She walks up to you and says, "I hear you're fantastic in bed."
That's Brand Recognition.
-----------------------
One day my mother was out, and dad was in charge of his little 2 1/2 year old daughter.
Someone had given her a little 'tea set' as a gift, and it was one of her favorite toys.
Daddy was in the living room engrossed in the evening news when she brought him a little cup of 'tea', which was just water. After several cups of tea and lots of praise for such yummy tea, mom came home.
Dad made her wait in the living room to watch his little girl bring him a cup of tea, because it was 'just the cutest thing!' Mom waited, and sure enough, here she came down the hall with a cup of tea for Daddy; she watched him drink it up.
Then she said, (as only a mother would know), "'Did it ever occur to you that the only place she can reach to get water is the toilet?"
-----------------------
It is time to exercise my Poetic License. I have come across a couple of cool new words; English is great for that sort of thing.
• Lardaceous - which means "fatty." In case you haven't guessed, its base word is "lard" followed by something you might hear a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle say. Lardaceous!
•
Kinkle - Before your mind wanders, take note that "kinkle" is not a kinky way to tinkle. (I know it sounds a little misleading.) The meaning of "kinkle" actually makes a little bit of sense. A kinkle is a small kink. So if you have a slight kink in your neck, you could actually say you have a kinkle in your neck. If you're having a bad hair day and your hair is full of kinks, you could call it kinkly.
• Jentation - a fancy word for the first meal of the day, a.k.a. breakfast. It is not at all commonly used, but feel free to start a breakfast-naming-revolution!
However with dryness on my mind I have chosen some elements of what might be considered dry humor. And a water joke. And some funny new words. Read on, you are bound to find something to amuse you.
--------------------------------
Mahatma Gandhi was asked by an English journalist what he thought of Western Civilization. Gandhi replied, "Ahhh; that would be a very good idea."
• "Our bombs are smarter than the average high school student. At least they can find Iraq." ~ A. Whitney Brown
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A passenger on a bus asked the conductor, "Is smoking permitted here?"
"No," said the conductor.
"Well, Where did all these cigarette butts come from?"
"From people who didn't ask questions." replied the man in uniform.
+++++++++++++++
A woman with her new baby got on a bus.
"My goodness," said the conductor. "What an ugly baby! I have never seen an uglier child."
Upset with the conductor's behavior, the lady complained to the inspector who had just boarded the bus.
The inspector gave her a paper and pen and said, "Write down the complaint, madam. And while you write I will hold your monkey."
==============
A woman, seeking to make her husband a bit jealous told him a that a man passing her on the street that day had greeted her with 'Hello gorgeous.'
Her husband replied, with a straight face, 'What color was his guide dog?'
………………………………..
A pair of tourists were wandering in a west Texas field when they discovered an abandoned well near an old farm house. Of course they're curious so they drop a small stone into the well, but they never hear it hit bottom. They search and find a larger rock and drop it into the well but once again hear nothing. They decide they need something larger and search the farm yard for a larger object. After much struggle, they manage to drag a large railroad tie to the edge of the well and drop it over the edge.
After several seconds, a goat tears across the yard and without any hesitation, dives right into the open hole. The two tourists stand in amazement. About a minute later, a farmer appears and tells them he is looking for a lost goat. The tourists tell the farmer about the goat diving into the well.
"That couldn't be my goat", the farmer replies, "My goat was grazing in the field roped to a railroad tie!"
----------------------------
Dry Marketing:
You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and say, "I'm fantastic in bed." That's Direct Marketing.
You're at a party and see a gorgeous girl. She walks up to you and says, "I hear you're fantastic in bed."
That's Brand Recognition.
-----------------------
One day my mother was out, and dad was in charge of his little 2 1/2 year old daughter.
Someone had given her a little 'tea set' as a gift, and it was one of her favorite toys.
Daddy was in the living room engrossed in the evening news when she brought him a little cup of 'tea', which was just water. After several cups of tea and lots of praise for such yummy tea, mom came home.
Dad made her wait in the living room to watch his little girl bring him a cup of tea, because it was 'just the cutest thing!' Mom waited, and sure enough, here she came down the hall with a cup of tea for Daddy; she watched him drink it up.
Then she said, (as only a mother would know), "'Did it ever occur to you that the only place she can reach to get water is the toilet?"
-----------------------
It is time to exercise my Poetic License. I have come across a couple of cool new words; English is great for that sort of thing.
• Lardaceous - which means "fatty." In case you haven't guessed, its base word is "lard" followed by something you might hear a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle say. Lardaceous!
•
Kinkle - Before your mind wanders, take note that "kinkle" is not a kinky way to tinkle. (I know it sounds a little misleading.) The meaning of "kinkle" actually makes a little bit of sense. A kinkle is a small kink. So if you have a slight kink in your neck, you could actually say you have a kinkle in your neck. If you're having a bad hair day and your hair is full of kinks, you could call it kinkly.
• Jentation - a fancy word for the first meal of the day, a.k.a. breakfast. It is not at all commonly used, but feel free to start a breakfast-naming-revolution!
Tuesday, April 5, 2011
Old Spanish JOW
I recently had to dust off my Spanish while in Panama and later with fishermen on some isolated islands in the eastern Caribbean. Though I was taught Spanish in school it has been so long that I began to think Cinco de Mayo referred to five jars of mayonnaise and ‘Como se Llama’ referred to a South American animal. Though I am back now, and online in English; I offer these vaguely related Spanish jokes for your amusement.
================================
There was a sad case of identical twins who were taken from their mother at birth and adopted by very different families. One was a typical Hispanic couple who named their new baby Juan Gonzales. The other was a middle-eastern couple who called the other twin Jamal Hussein.
Many years later their birth mother engaged a private eye to find out what had happened to her long-lost sons. After a prolonged search he came back with full reports on both of the young men.
“Are you sure they are my sons?” she asked the PI, “Are they truly identical?”
“Oh, yes, they look exactly alike,” he assured her.
“If you have seen Juan you have seen Jamal.”
…………………………………
Aimara, a Mexican maid announced to her Boss Mr. Blanco and his wife that she was quitting. When asked why, she replied, “I’m in the family way.”
The wife was totally surprised and shocked, and asked who it was.
The maid replied, “Your husband and your son.”
Mrs. Blanco was mortified and demanded an explanation.
“Well,” Aimara explained, “I go to the library to clean it and your husband say, ‘You are in the way’. I go to the living room to clean and your son say ‘You are in my way’. So I’m in the family way and I quit.”
==========================
A big tough Mexican man married a good-looking Mexican lady and after the wedding, laid down the following rules:
“Woman, I’ll be home when I want, if I want and at what time I want – and I don’t expect any hassle from you. I expect a great dinner to be on the table at six o’clock sharp unless I tell you otherwise. I’ll go hunting, fishing, boozing, and card-playing when I want with my old buddies and don’t you give me a hard time about it. Those are my rules! Any comments?”
His lovely new bride said, “No, that’s fine with me. Just understand that there’ll be sex here at ten o’clock every night – whether you’re here or not.”
-------------------------------------------
Mary Ellen provided this final offering
A Russian woman married a Canadian gentleman and they lived happily ever after in Toronto . The poor lady was not very proficient in English, but did manage to communicate with her husband.
The real problem arose whenever she had to shop for groceries.
One day, she went to the butcher and wanted to buy chicken legs. She didn't know how to put forward her request, so, in desperation, clucked like a chicken and lifted up her skirt to show her thighs. Her butcher got the message and gave her the chicken thighs.
Next day she needed to get chicken breasts, again she didn't know how to say it, so she clucked like a chicken and unbuttoned her blouse to show the butcher her breasts. The butcher understood again and gave her some chicken breasts.
On the third day, the poor lady needed to buy sausages.
Unable to find a way to communicate this, she brought her husband to the store...
What were you thinking?
Her husband speaks English!
Tom Pinney
================================
There was a sad case of identical twins who were taken from their mother at birth and adopted by very different families. One was a typical Hispanic couple who named their new baby Juan Gonzales. The other was a middle-eastern couple who called the other twin Jamal Hussein.
Many years later their birth mother engaged a private eye to find out what had happened to her long-lost sons. After a prolonged search he came back with full reports on both of the young men.
“Are you sure they are my sons?” she asked the PI, “Are they truly identical?”
“Oh, yes, they look exactly alike,” he assured her.
“If you have seen Juan you have seen Jamal.”
…………………………………
Aimara, a Mexican maid announced to her Boss Mr. Blanco and his wife that she was quitting. When asked why, she replied, “I’m in the family way.”
The wife was totally surprised and shocked, and asked who it was.
The maid replied, “Your husband and your son.”
Mrs. Blanco was mortified and demanded an explanation.
“Well,” Aimara explained, “I go to the library to clean it and your husband say, ‘You are in the way’. I go to the living room to clean and your son say ‘You are in my way’. So I’m in the family way and I quit.”
==========================
A big tough Mexican man married a good-looking Mexican lady and after the wedding, laid down the following rules:
“Woman, I’ll be home when I want, if I want and at what time I want – and I don’t expect any hassle from you. I expect a great dinner to be on the table at six o’clock sharp unless I tell you otherwise. I’ll go hunting, fishing, boozing, and card-playing when I want with my old buddies and don’t you give me a hard time about it. Those are my rules! Any comments?”
His lovely new bride said, “No, that’s fine with me. Just understand that there’ll be sex here at ten o’clock every night – whether you’re here or not.”
-------------------------------------------
Mary Ellen provided this final offering
A Russian woman married a Canadian gentleman and they lived happily ever after in Toronto . The poor lady was not very proficient in English, but did manage to communicate with her husband.
The real problem arose whenever she had to shop for groceries.
One day, she went to the butcher and wanted to buy chicken legs. She didn't know how to put forward her request, so, in desperation, clucked like a chicken and lifted up her skirt to show her thighs. Her butcher got the message and gave her the chicken thighs.
Next day she needed to get chicken breasts, again she didn't know how to say it, so she clucked like a chicken and unbuttoned her blouse to show the butcher her breasts. The butcher understood again and gave her some chicken breasts.
On the third day, the poor lady needed to buy sausages.
Unable to find a way to communicate this, she brought her husband to the store...
What were you thinking?
Her husband speaks English!
Tom Pinney
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)