My topic this week is an easy one: the eternal battle between men and women. I have to admit that these tend to favor the women over the men because 1) those kind are easier to find, and 2) Tom often forwards these to my spousal unit, which is where my bread is buttered so to speak.
So, here they are – gender conflict presented as humor.
…………………………..
Man says to God: "God, why did you make woman so beautiful?"
God says: "So you would love her."
"But God," the man says, "why did you make her so stupid?"
God says: "So she would love you."
My favorite woman’s tee shirt logo:
Objects Under This Shirt Are Larger Than They Appear.
------------------------------------------
Dan was a single guy living at home with his father and working in the family business.
When he found out he was going to inherit a fortune after his sickly father died, he decided he needed a wife with which to share his fortune.
One evening at an investment meeting he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. Her natural beauty took his breath away.
"I may look like just an ordinary man," he said to her, "but in just a few years, my father will die, and I'll inherit $200 million."
Impressed, the woman obtained his business card.
Three weeks later, she became his stepmother.
Women are so much better at financial planning than men.
Some comments by women about men. These are all unfair or untrue. I think
Q. How many honest, intelligent, caring men in the world does it take to do the dishes?
A. Both of them.
Q. Why did the man cross the road?
A. He heard the chicken was a slut.
Q. Why don't women blink during foreplay?
A. They don't have time.
Q. Why does it take 1 million sperm to fertilize one egg?
A. They won't stop to ask directions.
Q. How does a man show that he is planning for the future?
A. He buys two cases of beer.
Q. What is the difference between men and government bonds?
A. The bonds mature.
Q. Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and good looking?
A. They all already have boyfriends.
Q. What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night?
A. A widow.
Q. Why are married women heavier than single women?
A. Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed - married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.
Q. How did Pinocchio find out he was made of wood?
A. His hand caught fire.
Q. How are men and parking spots alike?
A. Good ones are always taken; free ones are extremely small or deficient in some other way.
Q. What is the one thing that all men at singles bars have in common?
A. They're married.
+++++++++++++++++++++++++
There was a couple who were big over-spenders. They always dreamed to spend holidays in Hawaii, but never able to save any money to do so. One day they came with an idea -- each time they have sex, they will put $20.00 bill into piggy bank. They bought the piggy, and followed that procedure for a few years. After that time, they decided that there is enough money for their dream vacation and broke the piggy bank.
The husband looked at their savings and said: "Isn't it strange. Each time we had sex, I put $20.00 into piggy. But there are many $50.00 and a few $100.00 bills here."
The wife replied: "Not everybody is as stingy as you are."
_________________
A working woman’s view:
I was glancing over the cover of a women's magazine I'd just bought. One title caught my eye: "Men's Secret Fear About Their Working Wives." I decided to get a firsthand account. "What's your innermost fear about my working?" I asked my husband.
"That you'll quit," he promptly replied.
…………………………………
Two women were chatting and one asked the other, "Mabel, do you talk to your husband while you're having passionate sex?"
Mabel answered, "Heavens No! Why would you want to make a phone call at a time like that?"
````````````````````
Some promising lines going down in flames:
Male: Is this seat empty?
Female: Yes, and mine will be if you sit down.
Male: Your place or mine?
Female: Both. You go to yours and I'll go mine.
Male: So, what do you do for a living?
Female: I'm a female impersonator.
Male: Hey baby, what's your sign?
Female: DO NOT ENTER.
Male: How do you like your eggs in the morning?
Female: Unfertilized.
Male: Your body's like a temple
Female: Sorry, there are no services today.
__________________________
A man is driving up a steep, narrow mountain road. He passes a woman is driving down the same road. As they pass each other the woman leans out the window and yells, "PIG!!"
The man immediately leans out his window and replies, "BITCH!!"
They each continue on their way, and as the man rounds the next corner, he crashes into a pig in the middle of the road.
………………………………
There is a new study out about women. I thought these results were pretty interesting.
85% of women think their ass has grown too big since getting married.
10% of women think their ass is just as big as it was when they got married.
The other 5% say that they don't care; they love him and would have married him anyway.
Okay, here are a few that are sort of neutral
Jack asked his girlfriend if she would go to bed with him.
She smiled coyly and said, "Yes, if you'll buy me a mink."
Jack thought for a moment and then replied, "Okay, it's a deal, on one condition."
"What is that?" she asked.
"You'll have to clean the cage," he replied.
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
A male whale and a female whale were swimming off the coast of Japan when they noticed a whaling ship. The male whale recognized it as the same ship that had harpooned his father many years earlier.
He said to the female whale, "Let's both swim under the ship and blow out our air holes at the same time and it should cause the ship to turn over and sink."
They tried it and sure enough, the ship turned over and quickly sank.
Soon however, the whales realized the sailors were swimming to the safety of the shore. The male whale was enraged that they were going to get away and told the female, "Let's swim after them and gobble them up before they reach the shore."
At this point, he realized the female was becoming reluctant to follow him.
"Look," she said, "I went along with the blow job, but I absolutely refuse to swallow the seamen."
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
And finally, that sensitive question: how many women with MENOPAUSE does it take to change a light bulb?
Woman's Answer:
One!
ONLY ONE!!!! And do you know WHY? Because no one else in this house knows HOW to change a light bulb! They don't even know that the bulb is BURNED OUT!! They would sit in the dark for THREE DAYS before they figured it out.
And, once they figured it out, they wouldn't be able to find the light bulbs despite the fact that they've been in the SAME CABINET for the past 17 YEARS!
But if they did, by some miracle of God, actually find them, 2 DAYS LATER, the chair they dragged to stand on to change the STUPID light bulb would STILL BE IN THE SAME SPOT!!!!! AND UNDERNEATH IT WOULD BE THE WRAPPER THE FREAKING LIGHT BULBS CAME IN!!! BECAUSE NO ONE EVER PICKS UP OR CARRIES OUT THE GARBAGE!!!! IT'S A WONDER WE HAVEN'T ALLSUFFOCATED FROM THE PILES OF GARBAGE THAT ARE A FOOT DEEP THROUGHOUT THE ENTIRE HOUSE!! IT WOULD TAKE AN ARMY TO CLEAN THIS PLACE! AND DON'T EVEN GET ME STARTED ON WHO CHANGES THE TOILET PAPER ROLL!!
I'm sorry. What was the question?
Tom
Monday, April 30, 2012
Tuesday, April 24, 2012
A hunting we shall JOW
I could not decide between golf and hunting as a theme for my JOW this week. There is a professional golf tournament in our neighborhood next week and several members of my family are avid golfers. On the other hand I suck at golf. So even though hunting season is more than half a year away, here are some hunting related vignettes intended to amuse.
++++++++++++++++++
A lady came up to me on the street, pointed at my leather jacket and said, "Don't you know a cow was murdered for that jacket?"
I said, "I didn't know there were any witnesses. Now I'll have to kill you too."
This joke was told to me when I was about six years old.
One morning, a father and his young son were in the woods hunting rabbits. After about an hour, they finally came across some rabbit tracks. In between the tracks, there were these little round brown pellets.
The son said to his father, "Dad, what are those?"
The father replied, "Those are smart pills. Try a couple."
The boy grabbed a couple of them and put them in his mouth. The boy made a funny face and said to his father, "Hey, these are just rabbit poop!"
The father replied, "See, you're getting smarter already."
--------------------------------------------
A group of deer hunters are in camp when they realize that they are running low on provisions.
The group appointed Kevin to get supplies.
Kevin went into the store and bought 3 bottles of whiskey, 4 cases of beer and 2 packages of hotdogs.
When he returned to the camp the group looked in his truck and they asked, "Kevin, what in the world are we gonna do with all them damn hotdogs?"
++++++++++++++++++++
A couple of Aggie hunters were driving through the country to go bear hunting. They came upon a fork in the road where a sign read "BEAR LEFT" so they went home.
……………………………….
An Aggie goes hunting and gets lost in the woods. Remembering the universal distress signal of firing 3 shots, he fires 3 shots into the air and waits. After an hour he fires 3 more shots. Another hour goes by and still no one comes to help.
Preparing for the next sequence he says to himself, “I hope somebody comes this time because these are my last three arrows.
Short shots
• Sign seen on a Taxidermist's window: "We really know our stuff."
• Anyone who is mistaken for a moose and shot is probably better off anyway.
• Did you hear about the guy who went elephant hunting and ended up in the hospital? He got a hernia carrying the decoys.
• Definition of Vegetarian: Old Indian word for bad hunter.
• What did the turkey say to the turkey hunter? "Quack! Quack! Quack!"
=======================
A group of friends went deer hunting and split up into pairs for the day. That night, one of the hunters, Charlie, returned alone, staggering under the weight of an eight-point buck.
The others asked "Where's Craig?"
"Craig had a stroke or something and died. I left him a couple of miles back up the trail."
"You left Craig lying out there and carried the deer back?!!"
"It was a tough call," nodded Charlie, "but I figured no one is going to steal Craig.
Finally, an outdoor-themed joke that I have always liked
Two young men were out in the woods on a camping trip, when they came upon this great trout brook. They stayed there all day, enjoying the fishing, which was super.
At the end of the day, knowing that they would be graduating from college soon, they vowed that they would meet, in twenty years, at the same place and renew the experience.
Twenty years later, they met and traveled to a spot near where they had been years before. They walked into the woods and before long came upon a brook. One of the men said to the other, "This is the place!"
The other replied, "No, it's not!"
The first man said, "Yes, I do recognize the clover growing on the bank on the other side.
To which the other man replied, "Silly, you can't tell a brook by its clover."
Tom
++++++++++++++++++
A lady came up to me on the street, pointed at my leather jacket and said, "Don't you know a cow was murdered for that jacket?"
I said, "I didn't know there were any witnesses. Now I'll have to kill you too."
This joke was told to me when I was about six years old.
One morning, a father and his young son were in the woods hunting rabbits. After about an hour, they finally came across some rabbit tracks. In between the tracks, there were these little round brown pellets.
The son said to his father, "Dad, what are those?"
The father replied, "Those are smart pills. Try a couple."
The boy grabbed a couple of them and put them in his mouth. The boy made a funny face and said to his father, "Hey, these are just rabbit poop!"
The father replied, "See, you're getting smarter already."
--------------------------------------------
A group of deer hunters are in camp when they realize that they are running low on provisions.
The group appointed Kevin to get supplies.
Kevin went into the store and bought 3 bottles of whiskey, 4 cases of beer and 2 packages of hotdogs.
When he returned to the camp the group looked in his truck and they asked, "Kevin, what in the world are we gonna do with all them damn hotdogs?"
++++++++++++++++++++
A couple of Aggie hunters were driving through the country to go bear hunting. They came upon a fork in the road where a sign read "BEAR LEFT" so they went home.
……………………………….
An Aggie goes hunting and gets lost in the woods. Remembering the universal distress signal of firing 3 shots, he fires 3 shots into the air and waits. After an hour he fires 3 more shots. Another hour goes by and still no one comes to help.
Preparing for the next sequence he says to himself, “I hope somebody comes this time because these are my last three arrows.
Short shots
• Sign seen on a Taxidermist's window: "We really know our stuff."
• Anyone who is mistaken for a moose and shot is probably better off anyway.
• Did you hear about the guy who went elephant hunting and ended up in the hospital? He got a hernia carrying the decoys.
• Definition of Vegetarian: Old Indian word for bad hunter.
• What did the turkey say to the turkey hunter? "Quack! Quack! Quack!"
=======================
A group of friends went deer hunting and split up into pairs for the day. That night, one of the hunters, Charlie, returned alone, staggering under the weight of an eight-point buck.
The others asked "Where's Craig?"
"Craig had a stroke or something and died. I left him a couple of miles back up the trail."
"You left Craig lying out there and carried the deer back?!!"
"It was a tough call," nodded Charlie, "but I figured no one is going to steal Craig.
Finally, an outdoor-themed joke that I have always liked
Two young men were out in the woods on a camping trip, when they came upon this great trout brook. They stayed there all day, enjoying the fishing, which was super.
At the end of the day, knowing that they would be graduating from college soon, they vowed that they would meet, in twenty years, at the same place and renew the experience.
Twenty years later, they met and traveled to a spot near where they had been years before. They walked into the woods and before long came upon a brook. One of the men said to the other, "This is the place!"
The other replied, "No, it's not!"
The first man said, "Yes, I do recognize the clover growing on the bank on the other side.
To which the other man replied, "Silly, you can't tell a brook by its clover."
Tom
Monday, April 16, 2012
Political JOW
My old sailing buddy Tor sent me some pity political quotes; that got me thinking about the whole concept of our failed politicians. I understand that you can be fined for Contempt of Congress: if they enforced that for everyone who holds congress in contempt they could balance the budget overnight with the revenue.
The only thing the current crop of politicians seem capable of doing is getting reelected – well that and being a rich source of humor. In the end, though the joke is on us; after all, we voted for them!
Let me start with a politician that I sort of admire for his quick wit:
A lady who was known as one of Churchill's rivals in parliament was giving a speech. Once Churchill dozed off while the lady was speaking. She stopped her speech and awoke Sir Winston by yelling, "Mr. Churchill, must you sleep while I talk?"
Churchill sleepily replied, "No, ma'am. I do so purely by choice."
######
Late in life, a very old Churchill came tottering into the House of Commons.
“They say he has gone dotty,” one of the members commented to a companion.
Churchill rounded upon the man and looking right at him said, “And they say he has gone deaf, too.”
Some famous political quotes:
• The problem with political jokes is they get elected.
• 'I don't make jokes. I just watch the government and report the facts'. Will Rogers
• If we got one-tenth of what was promised to us in these acceptance speeches there wouldn't be any inducement to go to heaven. — also Will Rogers
• Those who are too smart to engage in politics are punished by being governed by those who are dumber. — Plato (rough translation)
• We hang the petty thieves and appoint the great ones to public office. — Aesop
• Politicians are the same all over. They promise to build a bridge even where there is no river. — Nikita Khrushchev
• When I was a boy I was told that anybody could become President. I'm beginning to believe it.
• Politicians are people who, when they see light at the end of the tunnel, go out and buy some more tunnel.
• Politics is the gentle art of getting votes from the poor and campaign funds from the rich, by promising to protect each from the other.
• I offer my opponents a bargain: If they will stop telling lies about us, I will stop telling the truth about them. — Adlai Stevenson, campaign speech, 1952
• A politician is a fellow who will lay down your life for his country.
• Any American who is prepared to run for president should automatically, by definition, be disqualified from ever doing so. — Gore Vidal
• Politics is supposed to be the second-oldest profession. I have come to realize that it bears a very close resemblance to the first. — Ronald Reagan
• Instead of giving a politician the keys to the city, it might be better to change the locks. — Doug Larson
• Don't vote, it only encourages them
• A politician is a man who stands for what he thinks the voters will fall for.
• Leftists are among the first to speak of their rights.
Even the old Communists had political jokes; this one is from the old USSR
What is the difference between Capitalism and Socialism?
Capitalism is the exploitation of man by man and Socialism is the exact opposite.
Ruth is still working with service dogs, so here is one about canines.
It was the end of the day when I parked my police K9 van in front of the station. As I gathered my equipment, my canine partner, Jake, was barking; I saw a little boy staring in at me.
“Is that a dog you got back there?” he asked.
“It sure is,” I replied.
Puzzled, the boy looked at me & then towards the back of the van. Finally he said, “What’d he do?”
All these jokes about lying scoundrels (aka politicians) reminded me of this one
A well-known personal injury lawyer who once ran for president while cheating on his dying wife finally died & came before St. Peter for judgement.
“What exactly have you done to earn eternal happiness?” asked St. Peter.
The lawyer told them that he had once given a bum on the street a quarter.
St. Peter, nodding grimly, looked over to his assistant, Gabriel, & asked “Is that in the records?” Gabriel nodded, but St. Peter told the lawyer it wasn’t enough.
“Wait, wait, there’s more,” said the lawyer. He told of tripping over a homeless boy the week before & giving the lad a quarter.
Gabriel checked the records & confirmed the story.
St. Peter contemplated & then asked Gabriel, “What should we do?”
Gabriel glanced at the lawyer disgustedly. “I say we give him back his half a buck & tell him to go to Hell.”
Tom
The only thing the current crop of politicians seem capable of doing is getting reelected – well that and being a rich source of humor. In the end, though the joke is on us; after all, we voted for them!
Let me start with a politician that I sort of admire for his quick wit:
A lady who was known as one of Churchill's rivals in parliament was giving a speech. Once Churchill dozed off while the lady was speaking. She stopped her speech and awoke Sir Winston by yelling, "Mr. Churchill, must you sleep while I talk?"
Churchill sleepily replied, "No, ma'am. I do so purely by choice."
######
Late in life, a very old Churchill came tottering into the House of Commons.
“They say he has gone dotty,” one of the members commented to a companion.
Churchill rounded upon the man and looking right at him said, “And they say he has gone deaf, too.”
Some famous political quotes:
• The problem with political jokes is they get elected.
• 'I don't make jokes. I just watch the government and report the facts'. Will Rogers
• If we got one-tenth of what was promised to us in these acceptance speeches there wouldn't be any inducement to go to heaven. — also Will Rogers
• Those who are too smart to engage in politics are punished by being governed by those who are dumber. — Plato (rough translation)
• We hang the petty thieves and appoint the great ones to public office. — Aesop
• Politicians are the same all over. They promise to build a bridge even where there is no river. — Nikita Khrushchev
• When I was a boy I was told that anybody could become President. I'm beginning to believe it.
• Politicians are people who, when they see light at the end of the tunnel, go out and buy some more tunnel.
• Politics is the gentle art of getting votes from the poor and campaign funds from the rich, by promising to protect each from the other.
• I offer my opponents a bargain: If they will stop telling lies about us, I will stop telling the truth about them. — Adlai Stevenson, campaign speech, 1952
• A politician is a fellow who will lay down your life for his country.
• Any American who is prepared to run for president should automatically, by definition, be disqualified from ever doing so. — Gore Vidal
• Politics is supposed to be the second-oldest profession. I have come to realize that it bears a very close resemblance to the first. — Ronald Reagan
• Instead of giving a politician the keys to the city, it might be better to change the locks. — Doug Larson
• Don't vote, it only encourages them
• A politician is a man who stands for what he thinks the voters will fall for.
• Leftists are among the first to speak of their rights.
Even the old Communists had political jokes; this one is from the old USSR
What is the difference between Capitalism and Socialism?
Capitalism is the exploitation of man by man and Socialism is the exact opposite.
Ruth is still working with service dogs, so here is one about canines.
It was the end of the day when I parked my police K9 van in front of the station. As I gathered my equipment, my canine partner, Jake, was barking; I saw a little boy staring in at me.
“Is that a dog you got back there?” he asked.
“It sure is,” I replied.
Puzzled, the boy looked at me & then towards the back of the van. Finally he said, “What’d he do?”
All these jokes about lying scoundrels (aka politicians) reminded me of this one
A well-known personal injury lawyer who once ran for president while cheating on his dying wife finally died & came before St. Peter for judgement.
“What exactly have you done to earn eternal happiness?” asked St. Peter.
The lawyer told them that he had once given a bum on the street a quarter.
St. Peter, nodding grimly, looked over to his assistant, Gabriel, & asked “Is that in the records?” Gabriel nodded, but St. Peter told the lawyer it wasn’t enough.
“Wait, wait, there’s more,” said the lawyer. He told of tripping over a homeless boy the week before & giving the lad a quarter.
Gabriel checked the records & confirmed the story.
St. Peter contemplated & then asked Gabriel, “What should we do?”
Gabriel glanced at the lawyer disgustedly. “I say we give him back his half a buck & tell him to go to Hell.”
Tom
Monday, April 9, 2012
Tax Free JOW
Tax day (and Tiffany’s birthday) are coming up on us again. Fortunately, this year we have everything in and done so we look upon the dreaded date with some aplomb. However for the rest of you here are some bits of tax humor. The term "tax humor" is no doubt an oxymoron to many people; to the more cynical, it is an apt description of the entire tax code. Some people say our government is spending like a drunken sailor on a spree. Of course, I take exception to people saying that. Speaking as a former drunken sailor, I always quit when I ran out of money.
Here, presented for your amusement is your Tax free JOW.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
• How is a mugger different from the Internal Revenue Service? Both take your money, but the mugger doesn't make you fill out forms.
• Why can't Americans do their own taxes? Because the federal Tax Code is out of control, that's why. It's gigantic and insanely complex, and it gets worse all the time. Nobody has ever read the whole thing. IRS workers are afraid to go into the same ROOM with it.
Dave Berry has had a lot to say about the IRS
• We'll try to cooperate fully with the IRS, because, as citizens, we feel a strong patriotic duty not to go to jail.
• April 15 is lurking around the corner, so if you have yet to file your federal tax return, it's time to set aside a few hours, gather together your financial records, and flee the country.
• I am thinking of such helpful IRS innovations as the Wrong Answer Hotline, wherein, if you're having trouble understanding a section of the IRS Secret Tax Code, all you have to do is call the IRS Taxpayer Assistance Program, and in a matter of seconds, thanks to computerized electronics, you are placed on hold for several hours before finally being connected to trained IRS personnel dispensing tax advice that is statistically no more likely to be correct than if you asked Buster the Wonder Horse to indicate the answer by stomping it in the dirt.
• And to you taxpayers out there, let me say this: Make sure you file your tax return on time! And remember that, even though income taxes can be a "pain in the neck," the folks at the IRS are regular people just like you, except that they can destroy your life.
The Late Night comedians love to joke about income taxes.
• "Two things you need to know about taxes. They've extended the deadline to April 18, and when you write your check, just make it out to China." –David Letterman
• "Yesterday President Obama said, 'We can't continue to treat tax money like monopoly money.' Oh really — how come all those guys on Wall Street got 'get out of jail free' cards?" –Jay Leno
• “The federal government has bailed out Wall Street, banks, and car companies. In fact, did you know there's a special box on your tax form this year you can check if you want a portion of your taxes to actually go to running the government?” –Jay Leno
• "The House passed a bill where there's a tax now of 90% on the bonuses that these people get. So, half the Republicans voted against this. They said this is exactly the kind of punitive taxation that's going to drive good people out of the fraud business." --Bill Maher
I think Jimmy Kimmel has had the most fun with the IRS.
• "Tax day is the day that ordinary Americans send their money to Washington, D.C., and wealthy Americans send their money to the Cayman Islands."
• "Every year, I include a piece of chicken in the envelope with my taxes. Not as a bribe, just a little treat for the guy at the IRS who opens it."
• "I'm not going to pay taxes. When they say I'm going to prison, I'll say no, prisons cost taxpayers a lot of money. You keep what it would have cost to incarcerate me, and we'll call it even."
• "Because of a holiday, the deadline for taxes is April 18, so you have three extra days to dig through restaurant dumpsters for receipts."
………………………
Called in for an audit, Mr. Wood was confronted by a surly IRS agent. "It says here, Mr. Wood that you are a bachelor; yet you claim a dependent son. Surely this must be a mistake."
Looking him straight in the eye, Mr. Wood replied, "Yup, it surely was."
Tom
Here, presented for your amusement is your Tax free JOW.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
• How is a mugger different from the Internal Revenue Service? Both take your money, but the mugger doesn't make you fill out forms.
• Why can't Americans do their own taxes? Because the federal Tax Code is out of control, that's why. It's gigantic and insanely complex, and it gets worse all the time. Nobody has ever read the whole thing. IRS workers are afraid to go into the same ROOM with it.
Dave Berry has had a lot to say about the IRS
• We'll try to cooperate fully with the IRS, because, as citizens, we feel a strong patriotic duty not to go to jail.
• April 15 is lurking around the corner, so if you have yet to file your federal tax return, it's time to set aside a few hours, gather together your financial records, and flee the country.
• I am thinking of such helpful IRS innovations as the Wrong Answer Hotline, wherein, if you're having trouble understanding a section of the IRS Secret Tax Code, all you have to do is call the IRS Taxpayer Assistance Program, and in a matter of seconds, thanks to computerized electronics, you are placed on hold for several hours before finally being connected to trained IRS personnel dispensing tax advice that is statistically no more likely to be correct than if you asked Buster the Wonder Horse to indicate the answer by stomping it in the dirt.
• And to you taxpayers out there, let me say this: Make sure you file your tax return on time! And remember that, even though income taxes can be a "pain in the neck," the folks at the IRS are regular people just like you, except that they can destroy your life.
The Late Night comedians love to joke about income taxes.
• "Two things you need to know about taxes. They've extended the deadline to April 18, and when you write your check, just make it out to China." –David Letterman
• "Yesterday President Obama said, 'We can't continue to treat tax money like monopoly money.' Oh really — how come all those guys on Wall Street got 'get out of jail free' cards?" –Jay Leno
• “The federal government has bailed out Wall Street, banks, and car companies. In fact, did you know there's a special box on your tax form this year you can check if you want a portion of your taxes to actually go to running the government?” –Jay Leno
• "The House passed a bill where there's a tax now of 90% on the bonuses that these people get. So, half the Republicans voted against this. They said this is exactly the kind of punitive taxation that's going to drive good people out of the fraud business." --Bill Maher
I think Jimmy Kimmel has had the most fun with the IRS.
• "Tax day is the day that ordinary Americans send their money to Washington, D.C., and wealthy Americans send their money to the Cayman Islands."
• "Every year, I include a piece of chicken in the envelope with my taxes. Not as a bribe, just a little treat for the guy at the IRS who opens it."
• "I'm not going to pay taxes. When they say I'm going to prison, I'll say no, prisons cost taxpayers a lot of money. You keep what it would have cost to incarcerate me, and we'll call it even."
• "Because of a holiday, the deadline for taxes is April 18, so you have three extra days to dig through restaurant dumpsters for receipts."
………………………
Called in for an audit, Mr. Wood was confronted by a surly IRS agent. "It says here, Mr. Wood that you are a bachelor; yet you claim a dependent son. Surely this must be a mistake."
Looking him straight in the eye, Mr. Wood replied, "Yup, it surely was."
Tom
Monday, April 2, 2012
Disasociated JOW
My JOW is always easier when I have a theme. This week, I do not and despite the fact that I am no longer ‘encumbered with employment’ I took way too long to put together this totally unrelated collection of various types of jokes. I hope you enjoy them.
This is one from Martha.
The local news station was interviewing an 80-year-old lady because she had just gotten married for the fourth time.
The interviewer asked her questions about her life, about what it felt like to be marrying again at 80, and then about her new husband's occupation. "He's a funeral director," she answered.
"Interesting," the newsman thought.
He then asked her if she wouldn't mind. to tell him a little about her first three husbands and what they did for a living. She paused for a few moments, needing time to reflect on all those years. After a short time, a smile came to her face and she answered proudly, explaining that she had first married a banker when she was in her early 20's, then a circus ringmaster when in her 30's, and a preacher when in her 50's, and now in her 70's, a funeral director.
The interviewer looked at her, quite astonished, and asked why she had married four men with such diverse careers.
She smiled and explained, "I married one for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and four to go."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
• I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.
• She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.
• A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class, because it was a weapon of math disruption.
• No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.
• A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.
• When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.
==================
My friend Tom was in a pub the other night and saw two rather large girls by the bar.
They both had strange accents so he said, “Hello, are you two girls from Scotland?”
One of them screamed, “It's WALES you idiot!”
So he immediately apologized and said, “Sorry, are you two whales from Scotland?”
Looks like Tom is gonna be in that wheelchair for while yet.
…………………………………….
I tried to bake a cake the other day. I did not want a whole cake so I decided to cut the recipe in half. Unfortunately when it came time to whip up the batter I was there was not enough there to do it properly. The effort was a complete failure and I had to throw it all away.
I should have known – you cannot half your cake and eat it too.
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
This one is from the Bali Man.
A DEA officer stopped at a ranch in Texas, and talked with an old rancher.
He told the rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs."
The rancher said, "Okay, but you better not go in that field over there.....", as he pointed out the location
The DEA officer verbally exploded saying, " Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me !"
Reaching into his rear pants pocket, he removed his badge and proudly displayed it to the rancher.
"See this badge?! This badge means I can go wherever I wish.... On any land!!
No questions asked or answers given!! Have I made myself clear......do you understand?!!"
The rancher nodded politely, apologized, and went about his chores.
A short time later, the old rancher heard loud screams, looked up, and saw the DEA officer running for his life, being chased by the rancher's big Santa Gertrudis bull......
With every step the bull was gaining ground on the officer, and it seemed likely that he'd sure enough get gored before he reached safety. The officer was clearly terrified.
The rancher threw down his tools, ran to the fence and yelled at the top of his lungs.....
"Your badge, show him your BADGE........ ! !"
Tom
This is one from Martha.
The local news station was interviewing an 80-year-old lady because she had just gotten married for the fourth time.
The interviewer asked her questions about her life, about what it felt like to be marrying again at 80, and then about her new husband's occupation. "He's a funeral director," she answered.
"Interesting," the newsman thought.
He then asked her if she wouldn't mind. to tell him a little about her first three husbands and what they did for a living. She paused for a few moments, needing time to reflect on all those years. After a short time, a smile came to her face and she answered proudly, explaining that she had first married a banker when she was in her early 20's, then a circus ringmaster when in her 30's, and a preacher when in her 50's, and now in her 70's, a funeral director.
The interviewer looked at her, quite astonished, and asked why she had married four men with such diverse careers.
She smiled and explained, "I married one for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and four to go."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
• I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.
• She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.
• A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class, because it was a weapon of math disruption.
• No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.
• A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.
• When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.
==================
My friend Tom was in a pub the other night and saw two rather large girls by the bar.
They both had strange accents so he said, “Hello, are you two girls from Scotland?”
One of them screamed, “It's WALES you idiot!”
So he immediately apologized and said, “Sorry, are you two whales from Scotland?”
Looks like Tom is gonna be in that wheelchair for while yet.
…………………………………….
I tried to bake a cake the other day. I did not want a whole cake so I decided to cut the recipe in half. Unfortunately when it came time to whip up the batter I was there was not enough there to do it properly. The effort was a complete failure and I had to throw it all away.
I should have known – you cannot half your cake and eat it too.
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
This one is from the Bali Man.
A DEA officer stopped at a ranch in Texas, and talked with an old rancher.
He told the rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs."
The rancher said, "Okay, but you better not go in that field over there.....", as he pointed out the location
The DEA officer verbally exploded saying, " Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me !"
Reaching into his rear pants pocket, he removed his badge and proudly displayed it to the rancher.
"See this badge?! This badge means I can go wherever I wish.... On any land!!
No questions asked or answers given!! Have I made myself clear......do you understand?!!"
The rancher nodded politely, apologized, and went about his chores.
A short time later, the old rancher heard loud screams, looked up, and saw the DEA officer running for his life, being chased by the rancher's big Santa Gertrudis bull......
With every step the bull was gaining ground on the officer, and it seemed likely that he'd sure enough get gored before he reached safety. The officer was clearly terrified.
The rancher threw down his tools, ran to the fence and yelled at the top of his lungs.....
"Your badge, show him your BADGE........ ! !"
Tom
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)