Brexit JOW #820

 

There has been a lot of wailing and gnashing of teeth in the media about Great Britain leaving the European Union.  That will be the last time the elites ask the people what they want.  Other nations in the EU may now want to join the UK in leaving.  The process has been called Brixit for British Exit.  Will the Greeks now want a Grexit.  Will we have Departugal?  Czechout? Finish?  Slovakout? Italeave?  How about the French getting out – will that be Fruckoff? 

The English have been making the best of shocking the world with some one-liners:

·         It's important to just accept the result and move on, possibly to another country.

·         You Brexit, you pays for it.

·         I can't believe it took a referendum for Britain's youth to find out that old people hate them.

·         So what is next?  Adele writing a break up song for Brexit?

Woody passed on an email from a British friend who explains part of the problem:

The Pythagoras Theorem   ...........................  24 words

 The Lord`s Prayer ..................................... 66 words

 The Archimedes Principle ..............................  67 words

 The 10 Commandments .............................  179 words

 The USA Declaration of Independence....................  1300 words

 The European Union regulations on the sale of cabbages..........  26,911  words

Of course the establishment elite are very unhappy here at home.  Hillary was complaining that the stock market had gone down so much that dozens of her uber-rich banking buddies were late on their payments to her campaign.  If things don’t improve soon some of the Wall Street elite may have to give up one of their Aspen homes. But I am sure it will turn out all right in the end. 

 I try to keep a positive attitude – example: I am looking forward to seeing a candidate I loathe losing the Presidential Election.

But I had better quit ranting, finish the jokes, and go exercise.  I have been gone from the gym so long they think I am in the Fitness Protection Program

Keith sent me a new version of one of my favorite jokes:

A priest, a rabbi, a doctor and a lawyer are gathered at a mutual friend's graveside to mourn his passing.
The priest says to the others, "I think our good friend would have liked to take something with him to his next life." He pulls a $100 bill from his wallet and drops it on the casket.
The rabbi agrees, "That's a fine idea," and drops his own $100 bill on the casket.
The doctor, not to be outdone, does the same.
The lawyer murmurs, "What a wonderful thought," as he gazes down at their friend's casket. Whipping out his pen, he quickly writes a check for $400, drops it into the grave and takes the three $100 bills as change.

And these on why teachers drink:

The following questions were in last year's GED (grade 12 equivalent) examination.

Q.  What is a turbine?
A.  Something an Arab or Sheik wears on his head.  Once an Arab boy reaches puberty, he removes his diaper and wraps it around his head. 
Q.  How is dew formed?
A.  The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire. 
Q.  What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on?
A.   If you are buying a house, they will insist that you are well endowed. 
Q.  In a democratic society, how important are elections? 
A.   Very important.  Sex can only happen when a male gets an election. 
Q.  What are steroids?
A.  Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs.
       (Shoot yourself now, there is little hope.)
Q.  What happens to your body as you age?
A.  When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental. 
Q.  What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty? 
A.   He says goodbye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery.  (So true)
Q.  What is artificial insemination?
A.   When the farmer does it to the bull instead of the cow. 
Q.  How can you delay milk turning sour?
A.   Keep it in the cow.         (Simple but brilliant)
Q.  How are the main 20 parts of the body categorized (e.g. The abdomen)? 
A.  The body is consisted into 3 parts - the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels:  A,E,I,O,U   

And finally one for my artist friends Bill and Debi:

A professor, a CEO, and a janitor are in a forest when they find a magic lamp which, when rubbed produced a genie.

“Well, since there are three of you I will grant each of you one wish: you may great wealth but first you must do someone else’s job for a day.

The professor says, “I’ll be an elementary school teacher.  How hard can it be to teach a bunch of six year olds?”

The genie teleports him into a classroom where he quickly finds little screaming kids know just how to get on his nerves.  After an hour he gives up throws all the crayons, paper, and other school supplies into the air and surrenders his wish.

The CEO says, “I’ll be a waiter.  All you do is carry food out to tables.  It will be a breeze.”  So he is teleported to a restaurant.

After an hour of bungled orders, annoying customers, and surly cooks the CEO can take it no longer.  After he drops a plate of food, smashing the plates and glasses, he gives up.

The janitor says, “I’ll be an artist.”  He is transported to a loft surrounded by the ruined school supplies and broken crockery from the failed attempts of his companions.

He promptly glues pieces of the broken plates and glasses on a canvas.  He adds various bits of the school supplies, and –viola- he creates a piece of art entitled “Broken Dreams’.  It sells that day for thousands of dollars.

“Wow, how were you able to do that?” asked the CEO as the janitor counted the riches given him by the genie.

“Well, I was working as a janitor because it was the only job I could get after I got my Masters in Art.”

  

Valued Contributor JOW #819

I sometimes recommend movies or books.  I just finished a very short book, a long essay actually, called Tribe by Sebastian Junger.  He has a very long and distinguished record as a war correspondent and several successful books.  He is a very smart man: he must be – I agree with him. His books's thesis is summed up in the forward: “Humans don’t mind hardships, in fact they thrive on it; what they mind is not feeling necessary.  Modern society has perfected the art of making people not feel necessary.”  This is why some soldier miss war.  Or as a survivor from the horrors of the Yugoslavian civil war put it: ‘It was better when it was worse.’  Junger credits our modern disconnected society with a host of ills from PTSD, to suicides, to mass shootings.  He makes a good case.  The book is a quick read and is worth your time.

I am always glad to receive jokes from my JOW recipients.  This particular issue of the JOW is dedicated to some of these contributors.

From Keith

·         If Hilary Clinton wins the U.S. Presidential election, it will be the first time in history that two U.S. Presidents have slept with each other.  (Well, that we know of)

·         If Donald Trump wins the U.S. Presidential election, it will be the first time in history that a billionaire moves into public housing vacated by a black family.

A woman landed a good job with an accounting firm, and after a while she got a generous raise. The day she found out about it, her husband picked her up from work, and they stopped for ice cream. As they continued home, she blurted out, "Isn't it hard to believe that I have a job that pays this much money?"
Just then, she went to toss the last of her ice cream cone out the window. However, the window was closed, and it smacked against the glass.
Her husband looked at the mess and replied calmly, "Yes."

<<<<<<<<<<< 

The District Attorney stared at the jury, unable to believe its verdict.
Bitterly he asked, "What possible excuse could you have for acquitting this man?"
The foreman answered, "Insanity."
The D.A. said, "All twelve of you?"

……..

One day Dr. Mike Wilson noticed an elderly lady slowly pushing a cart through the supermarket parking lot.
Ever courteous, he insisted on taking it over for her.
The woman struggled alongside, doing her best to keep up.
At the entrance, he said, "Here you go, ma'am," and gave her the cart.
Catching her breath, she said, "Thank you, but I was using it to lean on."

Woody sent me this one I had not read before:

Two medical students were walking along the street when they saw an old man walking stiff-legged and slowly with his legs spread apart. 

Jackson said to his friend: "I'm sure that poor old man has Peltry Syndrome. Those people walk just like that."

"No, I don't think so," his friend Owen replied. "The old man surely has Zovitzki Syndrome. He walks slowly and his legs are apart, just as we learned in class."

Since they couldn't agree, they decided to ask the old man. 

They approached him and one of the students said to him, "We're medical students and couldn't help but notice the way you walk, but we couldn't agree on the syndrome you might have. Could you tell us what it is?"

Bert, the old man, replied, "I'll tell you, but first you tell me what you two fine medical students think."

"I think it's Peltry Syndrome," Jackson suggested.

"You thought – but you are wrong," Bert responded.

"I think you have Zovitzki Syndrome," Owen offered next.

"You thought – but you are wrong," Bert repeated.

So they asked him, "Well, old timer, what do you have?"

"I well, thought it was a fart– but I was wrong, too!"

Which reminds me the three rules for old men.

1)      Take a piss when you have a chance

2)      Don’t pass up a chance for a nap

3)      Never trust a fart

 Woody also sent me some interesting facts about Texas:

Dalhart Texas is closer to five other state capitals than it is to Austin.  In fact, it is only 30 miles farther from Dalhart to Brownsville Texas to than it is up to Canada.  El Paso is closer to California than Dallas. And Texarkana is closer to Chicago than it is to El Paso.

On a really nice, efficient, Texas-size, gun range west of Houston they have actual streets with signs for Rifle and Pistol Court and Pistol Lane.  Other streets there are:  Rifle Lane, Marksman Way, Shooting Center Drive.  Those streets are needed because there so many kinds of ranges, as well as classes/activities, on that property and the streets help you find where you need to be.

Texas is the only place I know of that offers Bacon flavored sodas.  (Some people don’t like bacon.  Those people are wrong.)

From Pat’s son:

Said the Pilgrim Boy to the girl: "Ten dollars!!  By my Faith, Hope, where is thy Charity?"

If the Russians reinstate the monarchy, will Nicolas II’s great grandson become a commie tsar?

If a seagull leaves the ocean and lives on the bay, does it become a bagel?

And finally this sums up my lifestyle.

So I am not going to a party today, not even leaving the house, and going to bed early.   Seems like my childhood punishments have become my adult goals.

Grab Bag JOW #819

First, this is Palindrome Week - 6-12-16 through 6-19-16.  The date is the same forward and backward.  It is also my unofficial start of summer – when we have three consecutive days of 90 degrees or more.  The heavy rains have held back the heat but now it has arrived in a big way with lows of 79 degrees and very, very humid.

My jokes this week are sort of a grab bag of various types and varieties.  I was going to throw in a shaggy dog story but ran out of room.  Maybe next week.

The SETI project is searching for intelligent life in outer space.  Apparently they have given up looking here.

-----------------------

A construction worker accidentally cuts off his ear with an electric saw.  When the ambulance arrives the medics tell him if they can recover his ear they can reattach it.  So his co-workers start hunting for the missing piece.

One man finds an ear and holds it up.  “Is this it?”

The construction worker looks at it and says, “No, that’s not mine.  Mine had a pencil behind it.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The family gathered at Grandma’s for dinner.  When little Johnny got his plate he started eating.

“Johnny, wait until we have said our prayer,” his mother told him.

“I don’t need to.”

“Johnny you know we always say a prayer before eating at our house,” his mother said with a strained look at her mother-in-law.

“That’s at our house,” Johnny explained, “but this is Grandma’s house and she knows how to cook.”

…………………..

·         Sign at a bar: “We do not serve women.  You must bring your own.”

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> 

Two pieces of Interstate highway are drinking at the Roadside Bar.  They are sort of having one for the road and talking a little smack.

The first one says, “I’m I-10!  Atlantic to Pacific! Long and strong!  Highest speed limits on the whole system.”

The other one snorts.  “You got nuthin’.  I am I-95.  Lifeblood of the East Coast.  Always full and always busy.  Bartender, more whiskey.”

As the bartender is refilling their glasses a small gravel and dirt trail comes in and sits at the end of the bar.  All the other roads move away as he orders.

“Bartender, I’ll have a root beer.”

One of the interstates snorts derisively.  “Ha, root beer?”

The other interstate stops him.  “Don’t mess with that one,” he cautions.

“Why not?”

“Cuz he’s a total cycle path.”

<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<< 

A little boy was waiting in the doctor’s office with his mother when a late term pregant lady came in.  Being inquisitive he immediately asked her, “Why is your stomach so big?”

“I’m having a baby,” she replied with a smile.

The little boy’s eyes got big.  “Is the baby in your stomach?”

“He sure is.”

With a puzzled look the boy asked, “Is it a good baby?”

At this point the expectant mother is thinking the little boy is very cute.  “Yes,” she assured him, he is a very good baby.”

“Then why did you eat him?”

*****************

There is a story about an old French lady who had run a small shop in her rural French village for years.  One day a huge corporate supermarket opened across the road from her place.  They put out signs advertising their prices including one that said “Butter – 10 francs.”

The next day the little old lady put up a sign on her window. “Butter – 9 francs”

The supermarket responded with a sign “Butter – 8 francs”

Sure enough, the next day the little shop’s sign read “Butter – 7 francs.”

This went on until the supermarket was selling butter for only 4 francs.

One of the lady’s customers pointed to the sign and said, “Madam, you cannot keep your prices so low for long.  These big company can use their buying power to sell products cheaper than a little store like yours.  Butter costs them more than what they are charging for it.”

The little old lady leaned forward and whispered conspiratorially.  “Monsieur, I don’t even sell butter.”

----------------------------

The boss of a small company felt he was not getting enough respect.  So in an effort to change his employee’s attitudes he posted a sign on his door saying ‘I am the boss.’

Next day there was a post-it note next to it saying ‘Your wife wants her sign back.’

And finally an old story I learned in Project Manager school.

A toothpaste factory had a problem.  They had just opened a new plant.  They discovered that they sometimes shipped an empty box without the toothpaste inside.  They was a real challenge to their customer satisfaction and perceived quality.  Understanding how important this was the CEO assembled his top people.  They decided to hire an external engineering company to solve their empty boxes problem. 

The project followed the usual arc of such things: budget, project manager, RFP, selection of vendor and development of the solution.  Six months and two million dollars later they had a fix that worked, delivered on time and on budget.  Everyone was pleased.

They solved the project by using a high precision scale that would weigh each box as it came down the line and would sound a bell and flash lights when a box was too light.  The line would stop and someone would walk over, remove the defective box and restart the line.  As a result, they had no more empty boxes being shipped.

With no customer complaints, the CEO thought the millions were well spent.  He continued to review the number of empty boxes picked up by the new scale.  The first week that number was entirely consistent with projections.  The next two weeks, however there were no empty boxes detected at all.  He should have seen a least a dozen.  He had the engineers run tests.  No, no more empty boxes were being shipped and the equipment was operating perfectly. 

Puzzled the CEO went down to the factory and checked out the part of the line where the new, expensive precision scale was installed.  He noticed a cheap desk fan set up just before the scale.

“What is that fan doing there?” he asked the supervisor.

“Oh, that,” the supervisor replied. “Bert, the retired Chief Petty Officer we just hired put it there.  He got tired of having to walk over and restart the line every time the scale detected an empty box. The fan just blows the empty boxes into that bin.”