Holiday Week JOW #896

We are just back from our little Christmas Vacation in historic Colonial Williamsburg, so my JOW is a bit late.  The week between Christmas and New Year’s is typically a non-productive time where working people don’t get much done – much like every week for retirees.  With New Year’s Eve coming upon us my thoughts turn to celebrations.  It’s too bad that brain cells come and brain cells go, but FAT cells live forever.

Remember, there are some people whose job is just to make everyone feel better.  Those people are bartenders.

My jokes started with booze, then inexorably drifted into some Irish jokes.  Have a Merry New Year.

An obnoxious drunk stumbles into the front door of a bar and orders a drink, the bartender says, "No way, buddy, you're too drunk." A few minutes later, the drunk comes in though the bathroom.

Again he slurs, "Give me a drink," and the bartender says, "No, man, I told you last time, you're too drunk"

Five minutes later the guy comes in though the back door and orders a drink, again the bartender says, "You're too drunk" The drunk scratches his head and says "Dang, I must be. The last two places said the same thing."

……………………………….

Boy: "I love you so much, I could never live without you."

Girl: "Is that you or the beer talking?"

Boy: "It's me talking to the beer."

>>>>>>>>>>> 

I'm a wine enthusiast. The more wine I drink, the more enthusiastic I get.

An Irish father’s reminisces

Ah, I remember the time I took me son out for his first pint.  Off we went to our local pub only two blocks from the cottage.
I got him a Guinness.  He didn't like it, so I drank it. 
Then I got him a Kilkenny's.  He didn't like that either, so I drank it.  Finally, I thought he might like some Harp Lager?  He didn't.  I drank it.
I thought maybe he'd like whisky better than beer so we tried a Jameson's.  Nope! 
In desperation, I had him try that rare Redbreast, Ireland's finest whisky.  He wouldn't even smell it.  What could I do but drink it?!
By the time I realized he just didn't like to drink, I was so tipsy I could hardly push his stroller back home.
 This was one of my father’s favorite jokes:

Little Johnny's Chemistry teacher wanted to teach his class a lesson about the evils of liquor, so he set up an experiment that involved a glass of water, a glass of whiskey, and two worms. "Now, class. Observe what happens to the two the worms," said the professor putting the first worm in the glass of water. The worm in the water moved about, twisting and seemingly unharmed. He then dropped the second worm in the whiskey glass. It spasmed for a moment, then quickly sank to the bottom and died. "Now kids, what lesson can we derive from this experiment?" he asked. Little Johnny raised his hand and wisely responded, "Drink whiskey and you won't get worms!"

==================

Paddy was driving home, drunk as a skunk, suddenly he has to swerve to avoid a tree, then another, then another.  A cop car pulls him over as he veers about all over the road.  Paddy tells the cop about all the trees in the road.
Cop says "For God's sake Paddy, that's your air freshener swinging about!"

Irish Confession
Tom went into the confessional box after many years of being away from the Catholic Church.
Inside he found a fully equipped bar with Guinness on tap.  On one wall, there was a row of decanters with fine Irish whiskey and Waterford crystal glasses.  On the other wall was a dazzling array of the finest cigars and chocolates.
When the priest came in, Tom said to him, "Father, forgive me, for it's been a very long time since I've been to confession, but I must first admit that the confessional box is much more inviting than it used to be."
He replied, "You, moron!  You're on my side of the box.” 

--------
O’Reilly went to trial for armed robbery.  The jury foreman came out and announced, “Not guilty.
“That's grand!” shouted O’Reilly.  “Does that mean I can keep the money?”

`````````````````````````

Mick goes to the vet with his goldfish.  "I think it's got epilepsy", he tells the vet. 
Vet takes a look and says, "It seems calm enough to me"
Mick says, "I haven't taken it out of the bowl yet".

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

Three Irish women are discussing their teenage daughters. The first declares: “I was so shocked last week. I was tidying my daughter’s room and I found a packet of cigarettes under her pillow. I didn’t even know that she smoked!”

“It gets worse than that,” says the second mother. “I was tidying my daughter’s room last week and I found a bottle of vodka under her bed. I didn’t even know that she drank!”

“Oh, it gets even worse than that,” says the third mother. “I was tidying my daughter’s room last week and you’ll never guess what I found in her bedside cabinet: a packet of condoms! I didn’t even know that she had a penis!”

Smart Christmas JOW #895

First and foremost I wish each and every one of you a Merry Christmas.  Ruth and I will be spending the Christmas vacation in Colonial Williamsburg in Virginia.  It may not have snow, but at least it will be cold.

As a Christmas gift here are some smart jokes – that is, jokes about smart people.  ‘Egghead’ jokes about people who are too smart for the real world are very old.  I know a couple attributed to the Greeks that are at least 2500 years old.  The TV show Big Bang Theory is a series of skits roughly based on this theme of the absentminded professor.  Here are a few bits along those lines.

I will start with a very old Greek joke which is funny- funny odd. 

A Greek philosopher and his household had taken ship together.  The ship was caught in a terrible storm and all feared for their lives. 

“I don’t know why my slaves are afraid of us all drowning,” said the philosopher.  “I made provisions in my will that if I die they will be freed.”

The Great Albert Einstein Stories - Note: some of these are probably apocryphal, but he was said to be sweetly absentminded.

 
(1) One day during a speaking tour, Albert Einstein's driver, who often sat at the back of the hall during his lectures, remarked that he could probably give the lecture himself, having heard it so many times. So Einstein told the driver that at the next stop on the tour to switch places, with Einstein sitting at the back in the driver's uniform. Having delivered a flawless lecture, the driver was asked a difficult question by a member of the audience. "Well, the answer to that question is quite simple," he casually replied. "I bet my driver, sitting up at the back there, could answer it!"

(2) Albert Einstein's wife often suggested that he dress more professionally when he headed off to work. "Why should I?" he would invariably argue. "Everyone knows me there." When the time came for Einstein to attend his first major conference, she begged him to dress up a bit. "Why should I?" said Einstein. "No one knows me there!"

(3) Albert Einstein was often asked to explain the general theory of relativity. "Put your hand on a hot stove for a minute, and it seems like an hour," he once declared. "Sit with a pretty girl for an hour, and it seems like a minute. That's relativity!"

(4) When Albert Einstein was working in Princeton university, one day he was going back home he forgot his home address. The driver of the cab did not recognize him. Einstein asked the driver if he knows Einstein's home.

The driver said "Who does not know Einstein's address? Everyone in Princeton knows.  Do you want to meet him?.

Einstein replied "I am Einstein. I forgot my home address, can you take me there? "The driver reached him to his home and did not even collect his fare from him.

(5) Einstein was once traveling from Princeton on a train when the conductor came down the aisle, punching the tickets of every passenger. When he came to Einstein, Einstein reached in his vest pocket. He couldn't find his ticket, so he reached in his trouser pockets. It wasn't there, so he looked in his briefcase but couldn't find it. Then he looked in the seat beside him. He still couldn't find it. The conductor said, 'Dr. Einstein, I know who you are. We all know who you are. I'm sure you bought a ticket. Don't worry about it.' Einstein nodded appreciatively. The conductor continued down the aisle punching tickets. As he was ready to move to the next car, he turned around and saw the great physicist down on his hands and knees looking under his seat for his ticket. The conductor rushed back and said, 'Dr. Einstein, Dr. Einstein, don't worry, I know who you are. No problem. You don't need a ticket. I'm sure you bought one.' Einstein looked at him and said, 'Young man, I too, know who I am. What I don't know is where I'm going.'

 ##################

An absent-minded husband thought he had conquered his problem of trying to remember his wife's birthday and their anniversary. He opened an account with a florist, provided that florist with the dates and instructions to send flowers to his wife on these dates along with an appropriate note signed, "Your loving husband." His wife was thrilled by this new display of attention and all went well until one day, some bouquets later, when he came home, kissed his wife and said offhandedly, "Nice flowers, honey. Where'd you get them?"

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

Once an old British professor was on a travelling by train. As fate should have, he was in the last compartment.  Now the problem was, whenever the train stopped at a station his compartment would never be on the platform.  It was a local train and anytime the poor guy wanted to get something to eat or drink he had to struggle to get over to the platform. By the time he reached his destination, he was really irritated.  He went straight to the station master`s office to lodge a complaint.

This is what he wrote.
"Please see to it that there is no last compartment in any train. If you still insist on having a last compartment, please put it somewhere in the middle".

------------------------

The absent-minded professor just came back home from a business trip, looking tired. His wife asked him: "Dear, you look awful, how was your trip?"
"Very bad. I got a rear-facing seat on the train, which made me very uncomfortable."
"Why didn't you ask the man opposite for a switch? "
"I wish I could have. But nobody was seating on that seat."

Family Valued JOW

We had a nice dusting of powder snow last week.  It was rather unexpected, but then any snow in east Texas is unexpected.  Facebook exploded with photographs of frosted trees and little snowmen.  Snowmen fall from Heaven unassembled.  Like good snow, it quickly evaporated long before it wore out its welcome. 

It being the season where families tend to get together I have a few family-related jokes this week.  I hope you enjoy them.  I start with some modern, that is to say, wise ass, kids.

At the mall, a mother said to her unruly son, "Look at that kid over there; he's not misbehaving."

The son replied, "Maybe he has good parents then!"

+++++++++++++++++++++

A young boy comes home from school in a bad mood. His father asks him, "What's wrong, son?"

The kid tells his dad that he's upset because another kid has been teasing him and calling him gay.

The father says, "Punch him in the face next time he does that. I bet he'll stop."

The boy replies, "Yeah, but he's so cute!"

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> 

Mother: "Are you talking back to me?!"
Son: "Well, yeah, that's kinda how communication works."

<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<< 

Little Susie, a six-year-old, complained, "Mother, I've got a stomach ache." "That's because your stomach is empty," the mother replied. "You would feel better if you had something in it." That afternoon, her father came complaining that he had a severe headache all day. Susie perked up, "That's because it's empty," she said. "You'd feel better if you had something in it."

Two old grannies are comparing their grandchildren

I have the perfect grandson.
Does he smoke?
No, he doesn’t.
Does he drink whiskey?
No, he doesn’t.
Does he ever come home late?
No, he doesn’t.
I guess you really do have the perfect grandson. How old is he?
He will be 16 months old next Wednesday.

……………..

A mom texts, "Hi Son, what does IDK, LY, & TTYL mean?"

He texts back, "I Don't Know, Love You, & Talk To You Later."

The mom texts him, "It's ok, don't worry about it. I'll ask your sister, love you too."

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

An elderly couple are in church. The wife leans over and whispers to her husband, "I just let out a long, silent fart. What should I do?" 

The husband replies, "First off, replace the batteries in your hearing aid!"

A boy asks his father, "Dad, are bugs good to eat?" 

"That's disgusting. Don't talk about things like that over dinner," the dad replies. After dinner the father asks, "Now, son, what did you want to ask me?" 

"Oh, nothing," the boy says. "There was a bug in your soup, but now it’s gone."

‘’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’

A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says, "That's the ugliest baby that I've ever seen. Ugh!"

The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her, "The driver just insulted me!"

The man says, "You should go right up there and tell him off – go ahead, I'll hold your monkey for you."

+++++++++++++

A 3 years old boy sits near a pregnant woman.
Boy: Why do you look so fat?
Pregnant woman: I have a baby inside me.
Boy: Is it a good baby?
Pregnant woman: Yes, it is a very good baby.
Boy: Then why did you eat it?!

================

·         I live in my own little world, but it's OK. Everyone knows me here.

·         I don't do drugs. I find I now get the same effect just by standing up really fast.

·         I don't like political jokes. I've seen too many get elected.

·         The most precious thing we have is life, yet it has absolutely no trade-in value.

·         If life deals you lemons, make lemonade. If life deals you tomatoes, make Bloody Marys.

·         Shopping tip: You can get shoes for a buck at bowling alleys.

·         Every day I beat my previous record of consecutive days I've stayed alive.

·         Ever notice that people who spend money on beer, cigarettes and lottery
tickets are always complaining about being broke and not feeling well?

·         Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can't even get into my own pants.

·         Marriage changes passion .. . . suddenly you're in bed with a relative.

And finally, a fairy tale for the modern age.

It’s a sunny morning in the Big Forest and the Bear family is just waking up. Baby Bear goes downstairs and sits in his small chair at the table. He looks into his small bowl. It is empty!

"Who's been eating my porridge?" he squeaks. Father Bear arrives at the table and sits in his big chair. He looks into his big bowl. It is also empty!

"Who's been eating my porridge?" he roars.

Mother Bear sticks her head out the kitchen door and yells,

"For Pete's sake, how many times do we have to go through this? It was me, Mother Bear who go up first. It was Mother Bear who woke everybody else in the house up. It was me,  Mother Bear who unloaded the dishwasher from last night and put everything away. It was me, Mother Bear who went out into the cold early morning air to fetch the newspaper. It was me, Mother Bear who set the table. It was me, Mother Bear who put the cat out, cleaned the litter box and filled the cat's water and food dish. And now that you've decided to come down stairs and grace me with your presence, listen good because I'm only going to say this one more time: I haven't made the fricking porridge yet!"