Nautical JOW #757

            It seems the Presidential campaign has finally begun with the first candidate ‘throwing his hat into the ring.  I do not think he has a very good chance, though.  Even though the fellow seems well-spoken and graduated from Harvard Law he is a just a 44 year old first term Senator who has sponsored no significant legislation and has no executive experience at all.  Besides, this guy was born outside the US to a foreign-born father.  There is no chance Americans would ever elect someone like that President.

            There will be no JOW next week.  Ruth and I are going on a cruise and I do not expect to have internet service at sea.  Since I am thinking about being underway again I have a few nautically-related themes this week.

           

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A very nervous first time asked the ship’s captain, “Do ships like this sink very often?”

“Not too often,” replied the skipper. “Usually it’s just once.”

…………..

Guest: “Excuse me, I have a question.”

Cruise Director: “Yes, sir?”

Guest: “Where does the water in the pools come from?”

Cruise Director: “We actually convert seawater into freshwater and put it into the pools.”

Guest: “Oh, so that’s why the water’s splashing so much!”

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One musician who signs up with an orchestra onboard a luxurious cruise ship is having difficulty keeping time with the rest of the orchestra. Finally, the captain said, “Either you learn to keep time or I’ll throw you overboard. . . . It’s up to you, sync or swim.”

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A newlywed sailor is informed by the navy that he’s going to be stationed a long way from home on a remote island in the South Pacific for a year.   A few weeks after he gets there he writes his wife a letter.
"My darling," he writes, "We’re going to be apart for a very long time. Already I’m starting to miss you and we’re constantly surrounded by young, attractive native girls. The temptation’s terrible. I need some kind of hobby to keep my mind off them."
His wife sends him back a harmonica with a note reading, "Why don’t you learn to play this?"
Eventually his tour of duty comes to an end and he rushes back to his wife. "Darling" he says, "I can’t wait to get you into bed so that we can make passionate love!"
But she stops him with a wave of her hand. "First, let’s see how well you play that harmonica."

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Passengers aboard an elegant cruise yacht were having a great party when a young girl fell overboard. Immediately a chubby middle-aged man went into the water and with much splashing around, managed to rescue her.  The captain was grateful as well as astonished that the man performed such an act of bravery.  That night a luxurious banquet was given in honor of the cruise yacht’s unexpected hero. He was called forward to receive an award and was asked to say a few words.

He said, “First of all, I’d like to know who pushed me in!”

Some quick ones:

An older couple was having dinner with the Captain one night in rough seas, and someone asked him why the ship was rocking so much. Without missing a bite, he replied, “Well this is a honeymoon cruise.

·         What do you get if you cross the Atlantic Ocean with the Titanic?  Just over half way.

·         Why do seagulls fly over the sea? Because if they flew over the bay, they'd be bagels!

Three Pirate ‘Jokes’!

·         What's a pirate's favorite letter? You may think it's the RRRRR, but it's the C that they're in love with!  Aye.

·         How much did the pirate pay for his piercings? A buck-an-ear!

·         What does a Dyslexic Pirate Say? HGRRA!

A random lawyer joke:

The overbearing and arrogant lawyer was forced to see a psychiatrist by order of the judge.

As soon as the lawyer became comfortable on the couch, the psychiatrist began the session by asking the lawyer, “Why don’t you start at the beginning?”

The lawyer said, “Okay. In the beginning I created heaven and the earth…”

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Which led me to this final joke:

A sailor trying to sneak back to his ship about 3 o'clock in the morning was spotted by a chief petty officer who ordered him to explain his tardiness. The lame explanation didn't work. "Take this broom and sweep every link on this anchor chain by morning or it's the brig for you," the chief said.
The sailor began to sweep, but a tern landed on the broom handle and he couldn't continue. He yelled at the bird, but it didn't budge. He finally plucked it off the broom and gave it a toss. But the bird came right back and again landed on the handle. Over and over, the same routine was repeated. A toss, one sweep, and the bird was back.
When morning came, the chief also was back. "What have you been doing all night? This chain is no cleaner than when you started!" "Honest, chief," said the sailor, "I tossed a tern all night and couldn't sweep a link."

“Well, you should have driven it away by throwing rocks at it,” countered the chief.  “You should have left no tern unstoned.”

World Peace JOW #756

My jokes this week have a general theme of World Peace.  With all the turmoil in the world it is easy to forget that – believe it or not – this is the most peaceful world has been for many years.  Every day Europe sets a new record for the longest stretch of peace between European nation states since the rise of those states well over four hundred years ago.

We know about more conflicts now because we are much more globally connected.  And things are more complicated.  Foreign events, especially in the Middle East, are getting more and more convoluted.  We support the Iraqi government in the fight against the Islamic State. We don’t like IS but IS is supported by some people in Saudi Arabia, and we do like Saudi Arabia. We don’t like President Assad. We support the fight against him but not IS which is also fighting against him.  We don’t like Iran but Iran supports the Iraqi government against IS.

So, some of our friends support our enemies and some of our enemies are our friends and some of our enemies are fighting against our other enemies whom we want to lose but we don’t want our enemies who are fighting our enemies to win.

If the people we want to defeat are defeated, they might be replaced by people we like even less. And all this was started by us invading a country to drive out terrorists who weren’t actually there until we went in to drive them out.

I think we should employ Romanausky’s Dictum:  “Kill ‘em all.”

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If we could just get everyone to close their eyes and visualize world peace for an hour, imagine how serene and quiet it would be until the looting started.

………………..

Sign on the church bulletin board: “The peace making meeting scheduled for today has been cancelled due to a conflict.”

 ===================

Women dream of world peace, a safe environment, and eliminating hunger.

What do men dream of?
Being stuck in an elevator with the Doublemint twins.

-          On a bumper sticker : Imagine Whirled Peas

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A man was beaten up by robbers on a road. He lay there, half dead and in bad shape. A minister came along, saw him and passed by on the other side. Next, a physician came by but also walked quickly on the other side. Finally, a social worker came along, looked at the man and said "Whoever did this needs help!"

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> 

As everyone was leaving the church, the Pastor noticed a young boy in the hallway, looking at a number of pictures on the wall. He said, "Well, hello, young man, how are you today?" 

The boy said, "Oh, fine." 

The pastor said, "I see you are looking at the pictures on the wall, do you know who the men in those pictures are?"

The boy said "No, who are they?"

The pastor said proudly "Well, son, those are pictures of the men in our congregation that gave their life in the service".

The boy replied, “The 9 o'clock or the 11 o'clock service?

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A woman was walking along the beach when she stumbled upon a Genie's lamp. She picked it up and rubbed it, and lo-and-behold a Genie appeared. The amazed woman asked if she was going to receive the usual three wishes.
The Genie said, "Nope ... due to inflation, constant downsizing, low wages in third-world countries, and fierce global competition, I can only grant you one wish. So ... what will it be?"
The woman didn't hesitate. She said, "I want peace in the Middle East. See this map? I want these countries to stop fighting with each other."
The Genie looked at the map and exclaimed, "Gadzooks, lady! These countries have been at war for thousands of years. I'm good, but not THAT good! I don't think it can be done. Make another wish."
The woman thought for a minute and said, "Well, I've never been able to find the right man. You know, one that's considerate and fun, likes to cook, is a good provider and helps with the housecleaning. One  who also gets along with my family, doesn't watch sports all the time, and is faithful. That's what I wish for ... a great mate."
The Genie let out a long sigh and said, "Let me see that stinking map lady!"

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The story is told of the Atheist who accosted a preacher. "Do you believe in eternal life?" The preacher has no time to reply.

"Well its a load of rubbish!" shouted the Atheist. "I believe in science, evolution, survival of the fittest, and when we die, that's it! No eternal life, no great judgement, and no God!"

The Atheist continues his assault against the preacher repetitiously and tirelessly. "Eternal life! Eternal life! Ha! "Its all pie in the sky when you die." When I die that's it, the end, no eternal life, no nothing. He continues, until he reaches his climax, "I will be buried six feet under when I die and that's it! Nothing! Caput! When I die I am utterly convinced that that will be the end of me!"

 "Well thank God for that" replies the preacher

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And this press release is just in:

TEHRAN - Stating that “their continuing hostilities are a threat to world peace,” Iran has offered to mediate talks between congressional Republicans and President Obama.

Iran’s Supreme Leader, Ali Khamenei, made the offer one day after Iran received what he called a “worrisome letter” from Republican leaders, which suggested to him that “the relationship between Republicans and Obama has deteriorated dangerously.”

“Tensions between these two historic enemies have been high in recent years, but we believe they are now at a boiling point,” Khamenei said. “As a result, Iran feels it must offer itself as a peacemaker.”

He said that his nation was the “logical choice” to jumpstart negotiations between Obama and the Republicans because “it has become clear that both sides currently talk more to Iran than to each other.”

He invited Obama and the Republicans to meet in Tehran to hash out their differences and called on world powers to force the two bitter foes to the bargaining table, adding, “It is time to stop the madness.”

Hours after Iran made its offer, President Obama said that he was willing to meet with his congressional adversaries under the auspices of Tehran, but questioned whether “any deal reached with Republicans is worth the paper it’s written on.”

For their part, the Republicans said they would only agree to talks if there were no preconditions, such as recognizing President Obama’s right to exist.

Rainy Day JOW #755

Spring must be coming to Texas; it has been raining for four straight days.  I’m saving up for a rainy day. So far I’ve got an umbrella, two raincoats, and a kayak.  I should not complain; our precipitation does not pile up like it does where it is cold, but it does cause problems on the roads.  We have to substitute rain for snow to give us an excuse to have wrecks.  Which makes me wonder; do you refer to a dangerous precipitator a ‘rain of terror’?

Still, I prefer rain to drought.  Or as Bob Marley put it, “Some people feel the rain.  Others just get wet.”

Here are a few mostly rain-related jokes followed by a few ‘old’ ones.

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A pickup truck  is making its way down a flooded road after a night of torrential rain when the driver sees a man’s head sticking out of a large puddle. He stops his truck and asks the man if he needs a lift.

‘No thanks,’ says the man. ‘I’m on my bike.’

Stupid kid riddles.  (The riddles, not necessarily the kid.)

Q: What is a king's favorite kind of precipitation?

A: Hail!

 Q: When does it rain money?

A: When there is "change" in the weather.

Q: What's the difference between a horse and the weather?

A: One is reined up and the other rains down.

Q: What do you call it when it rains chickens and ducks?

A: Fowl weather.

Q: What did one raindrop say to the other?

A: Two's company, three's a cloud

Q: Where did the meteorologist stop for a drink on the way home from a long day in the studio?

A: The nearest ISOBAR

Q: What's worse than raining buckets?

A: Hailing taxis!

Q: What goes up when the rain comes down?

A: An umbrella.

Q: What do you call two straight days of rain in Portland?

A: A weekend.
Q: What does daylight-saving time mean in Portland?

A: An extra hour of rain.
Q: What did the Portland native say to the Pillsbury Doughboy?
A:"Nice tan."

On a related note:

A newcomer to Portland arrives on a rainy day. She gets up the next day and it's raining. It also rains the day after that, and the day after that. She goes out to lunch and sees a young kid and out of despair asks, "Hey, kid, does it ever stop raining around here?"
The kid says, "How should I know? I'm only 6."

This is one of my favorites:

One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm a mother was tucking her small boy into bed. She was about to turn off the light when he asked with a tremor in his voice, "Mommy, will you sleep with me tonight?"

The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug. "I can't dear," she said. "I have to sleep in Daddy's room."

 A long silence was broken at last by a shaken little voice saying, "The big sissy."

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A ship’s captain radios a lighthouse keeper, ‘Radio reception is very bad. Please spell out your weather report.’

 The keeper replies, ‘W-E-T-H-O-R R-E-P-O-R-T.’

The captain says, ‘My God, that’s the worst spell of weather I’ve had in a long time.’

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I like words.  Here are a few words that don't exist, but should:

1. AQUADEXTROUS (ak wa deks'trus) adj. Possessing the ability to turn the bathtub tap on and off with your toes.
2. CARPERPETUATION (kar'pur pet u a shun) n. The act, when vacuuming, of running over a string or a piece of lint at least a dozen times, reaching over and picking it up, examining it, then putting it back down to give the vacuum one more chance.
3. DISCONFECT (dis kon fekt') v. To sterilize the piece of confection (lollipop) you dropped on the floor by blowing on it, assuming this will somehow 'remove' all the germs.
4. ELBONICS (el bon'iks) n. The actions of two people maneuvering for one armrest in a movie theater.
5. FRUST (frust) n. The small line of debris that refuses to be swept onto the dust pan and keeps backing a person across the room until he finally decides to give up and sweep it under the rug.
6. LACTOMANGULATION (lak' to man gyu lay' shun) n. Manhandling the "open here" spout on a milk container so badly that one has to resort to the 'illegal' side.
7. PEPPIER (peph ee ay') n. The waiter at a fancy restaurant whose sole purpose seems to be walking around asking diners if they want fresh ground pepper.
8.PHONESIA (fo nee' zhuh) n. The affliction of dialing a phone number and forgetting whom you were calling just as they answer.
9. PUPKUS (pup'kus) n. The moist residue left on a window after a dog presses its nose to it.
10. TELECRASTINATION (tel e kras tin ay' shun) n. The act of always letting the phone ring at least twice before you pick it up, even when you're only six inches away.

And finally, a few ‘old’ jokes.  I may have used some of these before – I can’t quite remember…

"OLD" IS WHEN..... Your sweetie says, "Let's go upstairs and make love," and you answer, "Pick one, I can't do both!"
"OLD" IS WHEN..... A sexy babe catches your fancy and your pacemaker opens the garage door.
"OLD" IS WHEN..... Going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.
"OLD" IS WHEN..... When you are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of by the police.
"OLD" IS WHEN..... "Getting a little action" means I don't need to take any fiber today.
"OLD" IS WHEN..... "Getting lucky" means you find your car in the parking lot.
"OLD" IS WHEN..... An "all-nighter" means not getting up to pee!

Dilbert JOW #754

Keith sent me some of Dilbert’s Rules of Work.  Dilbert has been a workplace staple for decades.  Although Scott Adams is a bit too cynical for my taste; I have to admit he does resonate with the modern workplace. Since most people enjoy Scott’s work, here are some Dilbert-themed Jokes Of the Week.

Dilbert's Laws of Work

·         A pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick in the rear.

·         Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.

·         You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard.

·         Eat one live toad the first thing in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you the rest of the day.

·         When the bosses talk about improving productivity, they are never talking about themselves.

·         If at first you don't succeed, try again. Then quit. No use being a fool about it.

·         Everything can be filed under "miscellaneous."

·         Never delay the ending of a meeting or the beginning of a cocktail hour.

·         To err is human, to forgive is not our policy.

·         Anyone can do any amount of work provided it isn't the work he/she is supposed to be doing.

·         If you are good, you will be assigned all the work. If you are really good, you will get out of it.

·         You are always doing something marginal when the boss drops by your desk.

·         People who go to conferences are the ones who shouldn't.

·         If it wasn't for the last minute, nothing would get done.

·         When you don't know what to do, walk fast and look worried.

·         When confronted by a difficult problem you can solve it more easily by reducing it to the question, "How would the Lone Ranger handle this?"

·         “I love you like a fat kid loves cake!”

Scott does have some good quotes of his own.

-“If there are no stupid questions, then what kind of questions do stupid people ask? Do they get smart just in time to ask questions?”

-“Creativity is allowing yourself to make mistakes. Art is knowing which ones to keep.”

-“Engineers like to solve problems. If there are no problems handily available, they will create their own problems.”

Dilbert is not especially well drawn; most of the humor is in the dialog.  Some examples:

“We are no longer using the term ‘work-life balance’ because it implies that your life is important. And I’d like to give a big thanks to those of you who never had a life.”

Dogbert: “I need $100,000 for my location-based, social media, cloud start-up.”

Venture Capitalist: “I’m not giving you $100k just because you spewed some buzz-words.”

Dogbert: “Then what about $10 million?”

Venture Capitalist: “Wait…now it sounds like a good investment.  How did you do that?”

Dogbert’s motto: “Dance like it hurts.  Love like you need money.  Work when people are watching.”

Female engineer on a first date: “I judge potential mates by their cell phone apps.  Hand over your phone.”

Wally, on being given a new project: “I barely have time to avoid the work I already have.”

Boss: “My boss says we need some more eunuch programmers.”

Dilbert: “I think he means Unix not eunuchs, and I already know Unix.”

Boss: “Oh. If the company nurse drops by tell her I said ‘never mind.’”

****************

A young man hired by a supermarket reported for his first day of work. The manager greeted him with a warm handshake and a smile, gave him a broom and said, "Your first job will be to sweep out the store."
"But I graduated from Texas A&M," the young man replied indignantly.
"Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't know that," said the manager. "Here, give me the broom - I'll show you how to use it."

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Two high school dropouts are digging a ditch in the hot summer and they're complaining about it non-stop.
"Sheesh, this is hard work. I hate this job!"
"Yeah. How come we're down here working our asses off, and the foreman is up there sitting under a shady tree with a cool drink, and making 3 times as much as us? It's not fair!"
"That's it! I'm sick of this! I'm gonna go ask him!"
So the guy climbs out of the ditch and goes up to the foreman under the shady tree.
"How come we're down there working our asses off in the burning hot sun, while you sit up here under this shady tree with a cool drink?"
The foreman says, "Well, it comes down to one word: Intelligence."
"Whaddya mean, intelligence? You calling me stupid!?"
"Well, here. Let me show you."
So the foreman holds his hand up against the tree and says, "Punch my hand as hard as you can."
The guy figures, now's my chance for some payback! He winds up and swings at the foreman's hand as hard as he can, but at the last moment, the foreman yanks his hand away. The guy nearly breaks his hand smashing it against the tree.
"See what I mean?" the foreman says. "Intelligence."
"Alright. I get it." And he goes back to work with his hand throbbing in pain.
His buddy in the ditch asks him, "So whad he say?"
"He said we're slaving away down here because of intelligence!"
"Intelligence!? Is he calling us stupid!? What does he mean by that!?"
His buddy says, "Well here, let me show you."
Seeing no tree around, he holds up his hand in front of his face. "Take your shovel and hit my hand..."

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And since tomorrow is my 25^th wedding anniversary this final Scott Adams’ quote has a point.

“The Cheesecake Factory has a great business model.  However if you take your wife there for your 25^th wedding anniversary you may not have a 26^th.”