I enjoy witty conversation. I freely admit to being something of a smart ass, which is critical to interesting discussions. Of course not everyone appreciates wit.
"Wit is educated insolence." - Aristotle
Which fits pretty well, but then Aristotle was kind of a stick in the mud. We know he wrote a book on Comedy to go with his treatise on Tragedy. Unfortunately, (or should I say tragically) his treatise on comedy and humor was lost. Probably because the book was so thin. That said, even Voltaire himself, one of the wittiest men who ever lived disparaged a clever retort.
"A witty saying proves nothing." – Voltaire
Apparently wit is viewed by many as only a half step above the much maligned pun as a form of humor; even below ‘knock-knock’ and ‘light bulb’ jokes ─ too bad because I like those forms of humor, too. In the end I choose to follow the advice of the bard.
Better a witty fool than a foolish wit. - Shakespeare
Here are some quotes that I found very witty, indeed.
Oscar Wilde was one of the sharpest wits of his generation. These are attributed to him.
• “I am so clever that sometimes I don't understand a single word of what I am saying.”
• “Life is one fool thing after another whereas love is two fool things after each other.”
• “Moderation is a fatal thing. Nothing succeeds like excess.”
• It is better to be beautiful than to be good, but it is better to be good than to be ugly.
• Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same.”
This is one of my favorite quotes because it is so accurate.
• "University politics are vicious precisely because the stakes are so small." - Henry Kissinger
There are lots of pithy comments about cats and dogs.
• Dogs have Owners, Cats have Staff.
• In order to keep a true perspective of one’s importance, everyone should have a dog that will worship him and a cat that will ignore him.
Everyone loves those predictions pontificated by those who should have known better.
• "Louis Pasteur's theory of germs is ridiculous fiction."
Pierre Pachet, Professor of Physiology at Toulouse, 1872 .
• "Everything that can be invented has been invented."
Charles Duell, head of the US Patent office 1880
• "The wireless music box has no imaginable commercial value. Who would pay for a message sent to nobody in particular?"
David Sarnoff's associates in response to his urging for investment in the radio in the 1920s.
And some predictions that are more interesting than they first appear.
• "Computers are useless. They can only give you answers." Pablo Picasso.
Then there are the quotations of the absurd.
• "Researchers have discovered that chocolate produces some of the same reactions in the brain as marijuana. The researchers also discovered other similarities between the two but can't remember what they are." Matt Lauer on NBC's Today Show
• "If it weren't for electricity we'd all be watching television by candlelight."
George Gobol.
• "Programming today is a race between software engineers striving to build bigger and better idiot-proof programs, and the Universe trying to produce bigger and better idiots. So far, the Universe is winning."
Rich Cook.
• "USA Today has come out with a new survey: Apparently three out of four people make up 75 percent of the population."
David Letterman.
• “I just broke up with someone and the last thing she said to me was "You'll never find anyone like me again!" I'm thinking, "I should hope not! If I don't want you, why would I want someone like you."”
• If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
• All my life, I always wanted to be somebody. Now I see that I should have been more specific.
• Just because nobody complains doesn't mean all parachutes are perfect.
And finally, a bit of wit that touches close to home
• "Some editors are failed writers, but so are most writers." - T. S. Eliot
Thos. Pinney
Tuesday, May 25, 2010
Friday, May 21, 2010
Red Hot JOW
The summer solstice marking the official start of summer is not for another month. Here in the Houston area I have a different measure of the start of summer: When we have three days in a row where the temperature is over 90. Hello Summer! I do like to whine about the soul-sapping oppressive wet heat of south Texas, but I acknowledge that we are the merest pikers when it comes to heat. I have friends that live in Phoenix. Now there is some heat! In Phoenix they don't bother making thermometers that go below 70 degrees.
You know you are in Arizona when:
you can make instant sun tea.
you learn that a seat belt makes a pretty good branding iron.
the temperature drops below 95, and you feel a bit chilly.
you can attend any function wearing shorts and a tank top.
The four seasons are: tolerable, hot, Really Hot, and ARE YOU KIDDING ME??!!
you discover that in July, it takes only 2 fingers to drive your car.
you discover that you can get a sunburn through your car window.
you notice the best parking place is determined by shade instead of distance.
hot water now comes out of both taps.
farmers feed their chickens ice chips, so they don't lay hard boiled eggs and cows ice water so they don't give powdered milk
it's noon in July, kids are on summer vacation, and not one person is out on the streets.
you actually burn your hand opening the car door.
no one would dream of putting vinyl upholstery in a car or not having air conditioning.
your biggest bicycle wreck fear is, "What if I get knocked out and end up lying on the pavement and fry?"
you realize that asphalt has a liquid state.
robins pick earthworms out of the ground with tongs.
But it is a dry heat. So dry in fact rain is becomes a distant memory. A sad Arizonan once prayed, "I wish it would rain - not so much for me, cuz I've seen it -- but for my 7-year-old."
Of course, every region has its own weather humor:
Two Viking invaders are trudging up the beach in the pouring rain. One looks skywards and says, "So this is England. What's it like?"
The other snarls, "Well, if you like the weather, you'll love the food."
What happens when the fog lifts in California? UCLA.
How to predict weather in Seattle: If you can see Mt Rainer, it's going to rain. If not, it already is.
In New Hampshire the local forecast was: Today: Sunny, 76. Tonight: Not so sunny, 55.
There's a technical term for a sunny, warm day which follows two rainy days. It's called Monday.
Many of us go on vacation to get better weather. As an old Florida boy, I am used to seeing tourists. This is an old line I remembered from those halcyon days.
A vacationer went back to his room to get something to drink for himself and his wife; one of the hotel maids was making the bed. He grabbed his cooler and was on his way out when he paused and asked, "Can we drink beer on the beach?"
"Sure," the maid replied, "but I have to finish the rest of the rooms first."
Finally, sort of a weather-related ‘joke’.
A preacher and his flock at a very poor church in the hills of Tennessee took up collections, baked cakes and washed cars for months to get enough money to buy paint for the church exterior which was bare and weather beaten. Finally they went to Wal-Mart to buy paint. The minister decided to economize and so only used less than half money they had raised, keeping the rest for himself.
They all joined together on a Saturday morning to do the job. When they were about half finished they realized that they were going to run out of paint before finishing. The preacher told them, "It’s a water base paint, just thin it down with water."
They continued painting and thinning until the color started losing its depth and when they finally finished it was dark green at the top, light green in the middle and a very light green (almost white) at the bottom. The preacher and his flock were standing on a nearby hill looking at this strange paint job when a dark cloud appeared and the heavens opened up with a deluge of rain which washed all of the newly applied paint off the church. The preacher was in tears and the congregation was stunned at all the hard work they had done for nothing.
Just then there was a huge lightening flash followed by the roll of thunder and a loud voice from the heavens rang out, "REPAINT, REPAINT AND THIN NO MORE."
Thos. Pinney
You know you are in Arizona when:
you can make instant sun tea.
you learn that a seat belt makes a pretty good branding iron.
the temperature drops below 95, and you feel a bit chilly.
you can attend any function wearing shorts and a tank top.
The four seasons are: tolerable, hot, Really Hot, and ARE YOU KIDDING ME??!!
you discover that in July, it takes only 2 fingers to drive your car.
you discover that you can get a sunburn through your car window.
you notice the best parking place is determined by shade instead of distance.
hot water now comes out of both taps.
farmers feed their chickens ice chips, so they don't lay hard boiled eggs and cows ice water so they don't give powdered milk
it's noon in July, kids are on summer vacation, and not one person is out on the streets.
you actually burn your hand opening the car door.
no one would dream of putting vinyl upholstery in a car or not having air conditioning.
your biggest bicycle wreck fear is, "What if I get knocked out and end up lying on the pavement and fry?"
you realize that asphalt has a liquid state.
robins pick earthworms out of the ground with tongs.
But it is a dry heat. So dry in fact rain is becomes a distant memory. A sad Arizonan once prayed, "I wish it would rain - not so much for me, cuz I've seen it -- but for my 7-year-old."
Of course, every region has its own weather humor:
Two Viking invaders are trudging up the beach in the pouring rain. One looks skywards and says, "So this is England. What's it like?"
The other snarls, "Well, if you like the weather, you'll love the food."
What happens when the fog lifts in California? UCLA.
How to predict weather in Seattle: If you can see Mt Rainer, it's going to rain. If not, it already is.
In New Hampshire the local forecast was: Today: Sunny, 76. Tonight: Not so sunny, 55.
There's a technical term for a sunny, warm day which follows two rainy days. It's called Monday.
Many of us go on vacation to get better weather. As an old Florida boy, I am used to seeing tourists. This is an old line I remembered from those halcyon days.
A vacationer went back to his room to get something to drink for himself and his wife; one of the hotel maids was making the bed. He grabbed his cooler and was on his way out when he paused and asked, "Can we drink beer on the beach?"
"Sure," the maid replied, "but I have to finish the rest of the rooms first."
Finally, sort of a weather-related ‘joke’.
A preacher and his flock at a very poor church in the hills of Tennessee took up collections, baked cakes and washed cars for months to get enough money to buy paint for the church exterior which was bare and weather beaten. Finally they went to Wal-Mart to buy paint. The minister decided to economize and so only used less than half money they had raised, keeping the rest for himself.
They all joined together on a Saturday morning to do the job. When they were about half finished they realized that they were going to run out of paint before finishing. The preacher told them, "It’s a water base paint, just thin it down with water."
They continued painting and thinning until the color started losing its depth and when they finally finished it was dark green at the top, light green in the middle and a very light green (almost white) at the bottom. The preacher and his flock were standing on a nearby hill looking at this strange paint job when a dark cloud appeared and the heavens opened up with a deluge of rain which washed all of the newly applied paint off the church. The preacher was in tears and the congregation was stunned at all the hard work they had done for nothing.
Just then there was a huge lightening flash followed by the roll of thunder and a loud voice from the heavens rang out, "REPAINT, REPAINT AND THIN NO MORE."
Thos. Pinney
Tuesday, May 11, 2010
Modern Medical JOW #508
I wanted to make light of the oil spill out in the Gulf that continues to pour raw crude into the environment. There is almost nothing I could think of or find that was even slightly amusing in the situation. Eleven men died and there is no end in sight for the continuing leak. Face it; water pollution just isn’t all that funny. Leno did have a comment: "They sent specialists down there to start a controlled fire on the ocean to burn the oil off. That's how you know when things are bad, when the ocean on fire is an improvement."
The Colbert Report also had a bit on the leak. The Arab network Al Jazeera put out a balanced and insightful piece on the continuing problem. After screening part of their report, Colbert put his tongue firmly in his cheek and provided this smarmy commentary.
‘Say… Al Jazeera sure seems to know a lot about this oil leak, huh? Maybe a little too much?
Look, I'm not saying that this Qatar-based international news network is actually a front for an Middle Eastern terrorist organization. I'm just saying that, as an American, I'm a little concerned that "Al Jazeera" and "Al Quaeda" both have the same first name. Just a little too coincidental for me, ya know?’
A certain JOW recipient, let’s just call her ‘Susan’ recently turned 50. She now will start to have to learn about all the things her elders have to take to stay in one piece. There are some new drugs out there she may need to learn about.
DAMNITOL
Take 2 and the rest of the world can go to hell for up to 8 full hours.
EMPTYNESTROGEN
Suppository that eliminates melancholy and loneliness by reminding you of how awful they were as teenagers and how you couldn't wait till they moved out.
ST. MOMMA'S WORT
Plant extract that treats mom's depression by rendering preschoolers unconscious for up to eight hours.
PEPTOBIMBO
Liquid silicone drink for single women. Two full cups swallowed before an
evening out increases breast size, decreases intelligence, and prevents conception.
FLIPITOR
Increases life expectancy of commuters by controlling road rage and the urge to flip off other drivers.
MENICILLIN
Potent anti-boy-otic for older women. Increases resistance to such lethal lines as, "You make me want to be a better person."
BUYAGRA
Stimulant taken prior to shopping. Increases potency, duration, and credit limit of spending spree.
JACKASSPIRIN
Relieves headache caused by a man who can't remember your birthday, anniversary, phone number or to lift the toilet seat.
ANTI-TALKSIDENT
A spray carried in a purse or wallet to be used on anyone too eager to share their life stories with total strangers in elevators.
NAGAMENT
When administered to a boyfriend or husband provides the same irritation level as nagging him.
Now a couple of jokes to close out this JOW.
=====================
'Cash, check or charge?' the clerk asked. She then noticed a remote control for a television set in the customer’s purse.
'So, do you always carry your TV remote?'
'No,' the shopper replied, 'but my husband refused to come shopping with me, and I figured this was the most evil thing I could legally do to him.'
====================
A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning.
The wife said, 'You should do it because you get up first, and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee.
The husband said, 'You are in charge of cooking around here and
you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee.'
Wife replies, 'No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible that the man should make the coffee..'
Husband replies, 'I can't believe that, show me.'
So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says .
'HEBREWS'
The Colbert Report also had a bit on the leak. The Arab network Al Jazeera put out a balanced and insightful piece on the continuing problem. After screening part of their report, Colbert put his tongue firmly in his cheek and provided this smarmy commentary.
‘Say… Al Jazeera sure seems to know a lot about this oil leak, huh? Maybe a little too much?
Look, I'm not saying that this Qatar-based international news network is actually a front for an Middle Eastern terrorist organization. I'm just saying that, as an American, I'm a little concerned that "Al Jazeera" and "Al Quaeda" both have the same first name. Just a little too coincidental for me, ya know?’
A certain JOW recipient, let’s just call her ‘Susan’ recently turned 50. She now will start to have to learn about all the things her elders have to take to stay in one piece. There are some new drugs out there she may need to learn about.
DAMNITOL
Take 2 and the rest of the world can go to hell for up to 8 full hours.
EMPTYNESTROGEN
Suppository that eliminates melancholy and loneliness by reminding you of how awful they were as teenagers and how you couldn't wait till they moved out.
ST. MOMMA'S WORT
Plant extract that treats mom's depression by rendering preschoolers unconscious for up to eight hours.
PEPTOBIMBO
Liquid silicone drink for single women. Two full cups swallowed before an
evening out increases breast size, decreases intelligence, and prevents conception.
FLIPITOR
Increases life expectancy of commuters by controlling road rage and the urge to flip off other drivers.
MENICILLIN
Potent anti-boy-otic for older women. Increases resistance to such lethal lines as, "You make me want to be a better person."
BUYAGRA
Stimulant taken prior to shopping. Increases potency, duration, and credit limit of spending spree.
JACKASSPIRIN
Relieves headache caused by a man who can't remember your birthday, anniversary, phone number or to lift the toilet seat.
ANTI-TALKSIDENT
A spray carried in a purse or wallet to be used on anyone too eager to share their life stories with total strangers in elevators.
NAGAMENT
When administered to a boyfriend or husband provides the same irritation level as nagging him.
Now a couple of jokes to close out this JOW.
=====================
'Cash, check or charge?' the clerk asked. She then noticed a remote control for a television set in the customer’s purse.
'So, do you always carry your TV remote?'
'No,' the shopper replied, 'but my husband refused to come shopping with me, and I figured this was the most evil thing I could legally do to him.'
====================
A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning.
The wife said, 'You should do it because you get up first, and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee.
The husband said, 'You are in charge of cooking around here and
you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee.'
Wife replies, 'No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible that the man should make the coffee..'
Husband replies, 'I can't believe that, show me.'
So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says .
'HEBREWS'
Wednesday, May 5, 2010
Ancient JOW #507
I have been interested in humor for a long time─ not only what people find funny, but the history of jokes themselves. The only joke book to have survived from the ancient world, is known as the Philogelos. It is a composite collection of 260 or so gags in Greek probably put together in the fourth century but including – as such collections often do – some jokes that go back many years earlier. The contexts are often odd, with references to slavery and eunuchs, things not considered amusing today. Even so, I find the ancient Greeks had a more understandable sense of humor than say, the Victorian English.
So here are 10 jokes that are all over 2,000 years old.
A favorite subject was the ‘professor’ or academic egg head who often displayed little common sense.
==================
When Plato had defined Man as a featherless biped, and was admired for it, a smart ass Greek plucked a chicken and brought it into the lecture-room and said “Here is Plato’s Man”. After that, ‘broad-nailed’ was added to the definition.
=================
A professor was talking with two friends. One of them said that it is not right to slaughter a sheep, since it brings us milk and wool.
The second said that it is not fitting to kill an ox either, since it provides us with milk and plows our fields.
The professor said that it is not right to kill a pig either, since it provides us with bacon and pork.
=================
A professor nearly drowned when he fell into a river. He swore that he would not enter the water again until he had learned how to swim
==================
A professor and his household were on a sea-voyage, when there was a big storm. His slaves, fearing for their lives, began weeping.
“Don’t cry,” the professor comforted them, “I’ve set you all free in my will.”
===================
A professor was inquiring where he ought to build his tomb: when some people said that it would look good in a certain place, he said “But that area is unhealthy.”
=================
There was an ancient version of Monty Python's dead parrot sketch:
A man buys a slave, who dies shortly afterwards. When he complains to the seller, he is told: "Well, he never died when I owned him."
=================
An absent-minded professor is asked by a friend to bring back two 15-year-old slave boys from his trip abroad, and replies "Fine, and if I can't find two 15-year-olds I will bring you one 30-year-old."
In the days before paternity testing, there were lots of ‘Who’s your daddy?’ jokes.
The story is told about a man from the provinces who looked much the Emperor Augustus Caesar. When he came to Rome the Emperor, hearing of the man, brought him to the palace and asked if the man’s mother had ever worked in the palace.
“No”, came the reply, “but my father did.”
Augustus did no more than grin and bear it. (Later Emperors were not so tolerant.)
===================
A man far from home when to a fortune teller and asked him about his household back in Greece, the seer assured him that ‘They are all healthy, including your father.’
“But it’s been ten years since my father died”,
Thinking quickly the fortune teller replied “You don’t know who your true father is.”
=========================
And finally, jokes about dumb foreigners have been around for millennia. For example, I have no idea where Abdera was, but Abderites were apparently the Aggies of the ancient world.
“An Abderite saw a eunuch talking to a woman and asked if she was his wife.
When he replied that eunuchs can’t have wives, the Abderite asked, ‘So is she your daughter then?’”
Thos. Pinney
So here are 10 jokes that are all over 2,000 years old.
A favorite subject was the ‘professor’ or academic egg head who often displayed little common sense.
==================
When Plato had defined Man as a featherless biped, and was admired for it, a smart ass Greek plucked a chicken and brought it into the lecture-room and said “Here is Plato’s Man”. After that, ‘broad-nailed’ was added to the definition.
=================
A professor was talking with two friends. One of them said that it is not right to slaughter a sheep, since it brings us milk and wool.
The second said that it is not fitting to kill an ox either, since it provides us with milk and plows our fields.
The professor said that it is not right to kill a pig either, since it provides us with bacon and pork.
=================
A professor nearly drowned when he fell into a river. He swore that he would not enter the water again until he had learned how to swim
==================
A professor and his household were on a sea-voyage, when there was a big storm. His slaves, fearing for their lives, began weeping.
“Don’t cry,” the professor comforted them, “I’ve set you all free in my will.”
===================
A professor was inquiring where he ought to build his tomb: when some people said that it would look good in a certain place, he said “But that area is unhealthy.”
=================
There was an ancient version of Monty Python's dead parrot sketch:
A man buys a slave, who dies shortly afterwards. When he complains to the seller, he is told: "Well, he never died when I owned him."
=================
An absent-minded professor is asked by a friend to bring back two 15-year-old slave boys from his trip abroad, and replies "Fine, and if I can't find two 15-year-olds I will bring you one 30-year-old."
In the days before paternity testing, there were lots of ‘Who’s your daddy?’ jokes.
The story is told about a man from the provinces who looked much the Emperor Augustus Caesar. When he came to Rome the Emperor, hearing of the man, brought him to the palace and asked if the man’s mother had ever worked in the palace.
“No”, came the reply, “but my father did.”
Augustus did no more than grin and bear it. (Later Emperors were not so tolerant.)
===================
A man far from home when to a fortune teller and asked him about his household back in Greece, the seer assured him that ‘They are all healthy, including your father.’
“But it’s been ten years since my father died”,
Thinking quickly the fortune teller replied “You don’t know who your true father is.”
=========================
And finally, jokes about dumb foreigners have been around for millennia. For example, I have no idea where Abdera was, but Abderites were apparently the Aggies of the ancient world.
“An Abderite saw a eunuch talking to a woman and asked if she was his wife.
When he replied that eunuchs can’t have wives, the Abderite asked, ‘So is she your daughter then?’”
Thos. Pinney
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