Med JOW #1101

 Ruth is back home and recovering nicely from her recent illness.  However, I still have a lot of jokes about doctors and drugs and other medical jokes and memes left over, so I thought I would share them with you before they go bad… or worse.

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What do drugs have in common with cheese jokes?

I don't know, I just like meth and feta memes.

 

What do you call a joke about drugs?  A ketameme

 

Caveman discovers weed.

Caveman discovers fire.

Stone Age begins.

 

We have a new medical explanation for the extinction of the dinosaurs: The extinction may well have occurred when a steroid hit the Earth.

----

How do you fix a broken baboon?

With a monkey wrench.

````

What sounds like a sneeze and is made out of leather?

A shoe!

>>> 

Ask your doctor if a drug with 32 pages of side effects is right for you.

<<<< 

Flossing is good for your overall health.  Flossing your cat is not.

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An infectious disease clinic is the only place where ‘being positive’ is a negative.

^^^

What’s the difference between a General Practitioner and a Specialist? One treats what you have and the other thinks you have what he treats.

***

A man walked into urgent care groaning and holding his stomach. “Help me, he groaned, “I ate something that disagrees with me.”
And a little voice from his belly said, “No you haven’t”

++++

“I’ve swallowed a golf ball.”
The doctor said, “Yes, I can see it’s gone down a fairway.”

^^^^^

The man told his doctor that he wasn’t able to do all the things around the house that he used to do. When the examination was complete, he said, “I can take it. Tell me in plain English what is wrong with me.”
“Well, in plain English,” the doctor replied, “you’re just lazy.”
“OK,” said the man. “Now give me the medical term so I can tell my wife.”

=====

A guy walks past a mental hospital and hears a moaning voice "... 13 ... 13 ... 13 ..."
The man looked over to the hospital and saw a hole in the wall, he looked through the hole and gets poked in the eye. The moaning voice then groaned "... 14 ... 14 ... 14 ..."

 

A man has a heart attack and is brought to the hospital emergency room. The doctor tells him that he will not live unless he has a heart transplant right away. Another doctor runs into the room and says, "You’re in luck, two hearts just became available, so you will get to choose which one you want. One belongs to a lawyer and the other to a social worker".
The man quickly responds, "The lawyer's".
The doctor says, "Wait! Don't you want to know a little about them before you make your decision?"
The man says, "I already know enough. We all know that social workers are bleeding hearts and the lawyer's probably never used his. So I'll take the attorney's!"

 

The doctor stood by the bedside of a very sick patient and said, “I cannot hide the fact that you are very ill; I do not think I can cure you. Is there anyone you would like to see?”
“Yes,” replied the patient faintly. “Another doctor.”

 

A young job applicant was being interviewed for an entry-level position. His prospective boss asked, "Are you a smoker?"

"Not even a little," said the young man.

"How about alcoholic beverages?"

"Never touch 'em," he replied.

The boss smiled and asked, "So you don't have any vices?"

"Well, I do have one," he admitted.

“And what would that be?" the boss asked.

"I lie."

 

A very angry woman stormed up to the receptionist’s desk at a doctor’s office.
“Someone stole my wig while I was having surgery yesterday,” she complained.
The doctor came out and tried to calm her down. “I assure you that no one on my staff would have done such a thing,” he said. “Why do you think it was taken here?”
“After the operation, I noticed the wig I was wearing was cheap-looking and ugly.”
“I think,” explained the surgeon gently, “that means your cataract operation was a success.”

 

The sweet little old lady was working at the hospital when she fell into conversation with another volunteer.

“When I’m not volunteering at the hospital, I clean up violent crime scenes.”

“That must be difficult, sympathized her co-worker.

“Yes, it is,” replied the old lady.  “I think I am getting to old to drag bodies into shallow graves.”

++++

Did you hear why Cyclops had to close his school? 

He only had one pupil.

~~~~

My boss doesn't believe money equals happiness. So instead of raises, he gives us Prozac.

 

Understand your anger with me but what do you have against the horse I rode in on? - Tor

 

My friend keeps saying “cheer up man it could be worse, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.”

I know he means well.

 

Common sense is not a gift. It's a punishment because you have to deal with everyone who doesn't have it. 

And finally

A man was brought to a hospital emergency room.  The doctor took some X-rays of a trauma patient and took the results to the senior radiologist, who studied the multiple fractures of the femurs and pelvis. 'What on earth happened to this patient?' he asked in astonishment.

'He fell out of a tree,' according to the report.

The radiologist wanted to know what the patient was doing up a tree.

'I'm not sure, but his paperwork states he works for Mark's Expert Tree Pruning Service.'

Gazing intently at the X-rays, the radiologist blinked and said, 'Cross out 'expert.'

 

Hospital JOW #1100

 

As some of you are aware Ruth recently became ill.  Although apparently not Covid-related, she was sick enough to have to go to the hospital, where they are keeping her comfortable and  making her well.   When you are admitted to the hospital for a procedure, they give you a little bracelet.  It doesn’t have rubies and diamonds, but it costs just as much.  While I wait for her to be released from hospital, my mind turned naturally to the concept of the healing arts.  Here are a few jokes about a serious subject.

****

How many doctors does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
One to find a bulb specialist, one to find a bulb installation specialist, and one to bill it all to Medicare.

This one is personal

A man goes to the doctors and says, “Doctor, I think I’m going deaf!”
And the doctor says, “Can you describe the symptoms?”
The man responds, “Yes, Homer is fat and Marge has blue hair.

>>> 

A mother complained to her consultant about her daughter's strange eating habits.
"All day long she lies in bed and eats yeast and car wax. What will happen to her?"
"Eventually," said the consultant, "she will rise and shine."

=====

My dermatologist was fired today.
I’m told he made too many rash decisions.

<<<<
A sign on a cosmetic surgery clinics:
"If life gives you lemons, a simple operation can give you melons."

++++

A neurologist received a page.  When he replied and introduced himself as the on-call neurologist, the nurse at the other end exclaimed: "Neurology? I wanted Urology. I got the wrong end!"

~~~~

A group of physicians are duck hunting. The surgeon spots a duck flying from the marsh, aims his rifle, shoots the duck in one shot, and turns to the others and says "I just shot myself a duck."

The intern sees a duck, aims his rifle, leads the duck with his first shot, lags it with his next shot, and hits with his third. He turns to the group and says, "It was too small for a condor, too big for a sparrow. I think that it was probably a duck."

The radiologist sees a duck, aims a shotgun, hits the duck, and turns to the group. He states "I just hit a flying animal. It may be a duck, pheasant, or quail. Possible flying squirrel. I cannot exclude a pterodactyl at this point. I think I should shoot it again, but with a scoped rifle."

The emergency physician spots a duck flying the marsh and brings out a huge, semi-automatic shotgun, unloading a dozen rounds into the air. After the tremendous noise ceases, the intern uncovers his ears and shouts, "What the hell was that?"

The emergency physicians turns around and says, "I have no idea, but I'm pretty sure that I hit it."

 

Some funny one-liners, exactly as typed by medical secretaries:

·         Patient has left her white blood cells at another hospital.

·         Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.

·         On the second day the knee was better and on the third day it disappeared.

·         The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.

·         Discharge status: Alive, but without my permission.

·         Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.

·         While in ER, Eva was examined, x-rated and sent home.

·         Skin: somewhat pale, but present.

·         Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities.

·         The patient was in his usual state of good health until his airplane ran out of fuel and crashed.

·         Mrs. Evans slipped on the ice and apparently her legs went in separate directions in early December.

·         Patient was seen in consultation by Dr. Jones, who felt we should sit on the abdomen and I agree.

·         The patient refused autopsy.

·         The patient has no previous history of suicides.

·         She is numb from her toes down.

·         She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life until she got a divorce.

·         Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.

·         Examination of genitalia has revealed that he is circus-sized.

·         Patient was found in bed with her power mower.

·         She has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was hot in bed last night.

 

Some medical definitions

Artery: The study of fine paintings

Bacteria: Back door to cafeteria
Barium: What they do when patients die

Cauterize: Made eye contact with her
Coma: A punctuation mark.

D&C: Where Washington is

Enema: Not a friend
ER: The things on your head that you hear with

Fester: Quicker than someone else

Genes: Blue denim slacks
G.I. Series: World Series of military baseball

Hemorrhoid: A male from outer space

Impotent: Distinguished, well-known

Medical Staff: A doctor's cane
Morbid: A higher offer than I bid

Nitrates: Cheaper than day rates

Organ Transplant: What you do to your piano when you move
Outpatient: A person who has fainted

Pap Smear: Making fun of Dad
Pathological: A reasonable way to go
Pharmacist: Person who makes a living dealing in agriculture
Pelvis: Second cousin to Elvis
Post Operative: A letter carrier

Recovery Room: Place to do upholstery
Red Blood Count: Dracula

Secretion: Hiding something
Seizure: Roman Emperor

Terminal Illness: Getting sick at the airport.
Thorax: A Dr. Seuss character
Tumor: More than one, an extra pair

Varicose: Near by/close by
Vein: Conceited

And finally

A man returned to the U.S. after a trip abroad feeling very ill. He goes to see his doctor and is immediately rushed to the hospital to undergo a barrage of extensive tests. The man wakes up after the tests in a private room at the hospital, and the phone by his bed rings.
“This is your doctor. We’ve got the results back from your tests, and we’ve found you have an extremely dangerous new virus that is extremely contagious!”
“Oh my gosh,” cries the man. He’s in a panic now. “What are you going to do, Doctor?”
“Well, we’re going to put you on a diet of pizzas, pancakes, and quesadillas.”
“Will that cure me?” asked the man hopefully.
The doctor replied, “No… but it’s the only food we can get under the door.  But I do have some good news for you.  They’re going to name the disease after you.”

 

Dino JOW #1099

 I have always had a thing for dinosaurs.  As a little kid I wanted to be a paleontologist.  Although I drifted away from that goal, the fascination remained.  My jokes this week sort of have a dinosaur theme.  But before we start on those - 

Remember those Murder Hornets back at the start of the pandemic in 2020?  What happened to them?  I think they looked around at the US in 2020 and collectively said, ‘Nope.  Later dudes.

Paleontologists recently discovered a dinosaur that was so ugly they had to call it ‘Eye Saur’

 

There is a dinosaur in the British museum that is 3 million and 24 years old.  I know it exactly because when I visited it 24 years ago, it was 3 million years old.

 

What do you say to a 10-ton dinosaur wearing ear buds?
Whatever you want. He can't hear you.

 

Which dinosaur is the worst driver?

T-Wrecks

 

What do you call a dinosaur with a great vocabulary?

A thesaurus

 

What kind of dinosaur is always quick to arrive?

A pronto-saurus

 

My friends think that your name represents what you should do in life. Dina worked to find a dinosaur fossil, Chip is a carpenter, and Jack became a lumberjack,

We don’t talk about Cliff.

 

I asked the librarian if she knew who authored any books on dinosaurs.

She said, "Try Sarah Topps."

 

Took my kids to the dinosaur museum today.

Spent the whole day looking up at the giant sculptures, I discovered a new species: Myneckisaur.

 

A dinosaur, a spider, and a cowboy walk into a bar

All three sit at the bar and begin drinking heavily, clearly distressed. The bartender asks them what their troubles are.
The Cowboy takes a shot, then says "my horse got loose, ran into traffic, and got hit by a semi-truck carrying gasoline. Cause a whole big explosion and blew my poor horse to bits." The spider nods sympathetically. "I just lost my husband in that same fire. The driver found him, freaked out, and crashed trying to squash my dear hubby."
The bartender is in shock, but finally asks the dinosaur his story.
The dinosaur sniffed, took a sip from his straw, and said "My whole family was on that truck"

 

A paleontologist was trying to figure out what era a newly-discovered dinosaur was from.

He realized that it didn't have three anuses so he ruled out the Triassic period.

 

Why did the dinosaur cross the road?

Because the chicken hadn’t evolved yet.

 

Which reminded me of this

A new employee at a resort was being given instructions on procedures for a big multiple wedding event.  After each couple was married they would be checked into the hotel. 

“Be sure that you do not count unmarried couples as checked in until after their ceremony.”

“Why not?” asked the newbie.

“Because you shouldn’t count your check-ins until they are hitched.”

 

"Do you think I reference dinosaurs too much when I write?" I asked.

She was silent, like the ‘p’ in pterodactyl, but it said everything.

 

Why can’t you hear a pterodactyl go to the bathroom?  Because the ‘p’ is silent.

 

Spelling ptournaments were pterribly ptroubling for both Pteenage Pterodactyls and their pteachers.

Some non-dinosaur jokes

A reedy little man walks into a bar and sits down next to this large hulking guy watching a hockey game.  Wanting the make conversation the looks up at the game and remarks to the big guy that Hockey in fine but it is from Canada.

Then he says, “Everyone I have met from Canada has either been a hooker or hockey player.” 

The big guy glowers down at him and says, “My wife is Canadian.”

The little guy immediately replies, “What team does she play for?”

 

Tor reminded me of this one.

A man approached a grocery store employee in the produce section and asked for half a head of cabbage.

“Excuse me, let me check,” said the produce guy and went back to the office, not noticing that the customer was following him.

“Hey, boss,” said the man to the manager, “some asshole out there wants to buy half a head of cabbage.” And noticing the customer is right behind him, continued, “And this gentleman wants to buy the other half.”

And finally
Two Men Are Lying in Hospital Beds.  One with his leg in a large cast the other with a bandage on his head and his arm in a sling
They get talking and the first man asks the second how he ending up in hospital
“Well” says the second “it’s a long story. I came home from work to find my wife in bed with another man, the red mist descended and I started chasing the man round the bedroom, suddenly he jumps out the window and lands on his leg in quite a painful looking way, great I think now he’ll be easy to catch, so I run down stairs but as I’m about to reach the bottom I slip, miss three steps, bang my head against the wall and break my arm.  Next thing I know a paramedic is having a look at me and the man is gone. Now I have a broken arm, blurry vision and a massive concussion.  But if I ever catch that guy I’ll beat him to an in inch of his life.”
He turned groggily over to the first man and asks “Anyway what are you in for?”
The other man looks nervous gulps and then says “ummmm, uhhh…. Appendix transplant?”

 

 

Generational JOW #1098

My Jokes are a little late this week because I have been on vacation.  How do you have a vacation from being retired?  Simple, go somewhere else to do nothing.  In this case we are in Marble Falls, Texas in the Hill Country enjoying the scenery and lower humidity.

My jokes this week are about differences in the generations. 

 

As I watch this generation trying to rewrite history, one thing I am sure of… it will be misspelled and have no punctuation.

 

Every generation thinks the next one is not as good or hard working.  I'm not sure that's true, but we'll see what those lazy, freeloading teenagers think of the generation after them.

 

I, myself, am from the Stone age.  That’s Rolling Stones.

 

Remember when people had diaries and got mad when someone read about their private lives?  Now they put their private lives online and get mad when people don’t read them.

 

I had a joke for Generation Z about Social Security. But they're probably not going to get it.

 

A whole generation will only know Billy Ray Cyrus for “Old Town Road”.  And that breaks my heart. My achy breaky heart.

 

If you can’t find your children, turn off the Wi-Fi.  If they are in the house, they will come out immediately.  Your neighbors may even come by.

 

Get back at the new generation.  Put them in a room with a rotary phone, an analog clock, and a TV with no remote.  The write the directions in cursive.

 

Most people just write Congrats these days because they don’t know how to spell congrajulasions.  

 

I once asked my dad what his parents' generation did to cure boredom before internet and TV existed.

Neither him nor his eight siblings had an answer.

 

What do you call a bed that gets passed down through generations?

An heir mattress

 

Generation Z is best known for being hard-working ...within the Minecraft community

 

This pandemic has given a whole generation the time to work on their hobbies and become very skillful at them...too bad these hobbies consist mostly of drinking and drugs.

 

People always ask me how I know where all of the millennials’ money went - It's in tuition.

 

Some thoughts on aging

 

My doctor asked if anyone in my family suffered from mental illness. I said, "No, we all seem to enjoy it."

 

Just once, I want a username and password prompt to say: "close enough.” 

 

Becoming an adult is the dumbest thing I have ever done.

 

I'm a multitasker. I can listen, ignore, and forget all at the same time!

 

Went to an antique show and people were bidding on me.

 

I won't say I'm worn out, but I don't get near the curb on trash day.

 

Sometimes it takes me all day to get nothing done.

 

Losing weight doesn't seem to be working for me, so from now I'm going to concentrate on getting taller.

 

Millennials have an answer:

They always talk about how much my generation depends on technology, and my grandfather always mentions it whenever I visit them, so then I replied, “no, your generation depends too much on technology.”
Then I unplugged his life support.

 

Dick provided me with this lovely story which will end my themed jokes

To commemorate her birthday, actress/vocalist, Julie Andrews made a special appearance at Manhattan's Radio City Music Hall for the benefit of the AARP.  One of the musical numbers she performed was 'My Favorite Things' from the legendary movie 'Sound Of Music'.  Here are the lyrics she used: 

 

*Botox and nose drops and needles for knitting,* *Walkers and handrails and new dental fittings,* *Bundles of magazines tied up in string,* *_These are a few of my favorite things_*

 

*Cadillacs and cataracts, * *hearing aids and glasses,* *Polydent and Fixodent and false teeth in glasses,* *Pacemakers, golf carts and porches with swings,*

  *_These are a few of my favorite things._* 

 

*When the pipes leak, When the bones creak,* *When the knees go bad,* *I simply remember my* *favorite things,*     *And then I don't feel so bad.* 

 

*Hot tea and crumpets and corn pads for bunions,* *No spicy hot food or food cooked with onions,* *Bathrobes and heating* *pads and hot meals they bring,*

    *_These are a few of my favorite things._*

 

*Back pain, confused brains and no need for sinnin',* *Thin bones and fractures and hair that is thinnin',* *And we won't mention our short shrunken frames,*

  *_When we remember our favorite things._* 

 

*When the joints ache, When the hips break,* 

    *When the eyes grow dim,*

*Then I remember the great life I've had,* 

      *And then I don't feel so bad.* 

>>>>>>>>>>>>> > >>>>>>>>>>>> >>>>>>>

Ms. Andrews received a standing ovation from the crowd that lasted over four minutes and repeated encores. 

 

And finally, a joke that combines ‘Me Too’ with a little politics

There were once two people.  Hem and Ep.
One day, they came across a wizard. After a lot of bargaining, the wizard agreed to grant them each one wish. Ep requested a loving family. Ep was granted a rebellious teen daughter, a wife, and a young son. Hem requested ownership of a toy factory with elf workers that he will treat as friends.
A few months later, Ep’s daughter and her boyfriend visited Hem’s toy factory to assist with marketing strategies, as she knew the current generation best. During her visit, an elf fell in love with her. The elf tried to ask her out. She declined. Defeated, he went back to his job. Suddenly, a soda can, thrown by Ep’s daughter as a joke, hit the elf, who collapsed. Ep’s daughter and her boyfriend, who were terrified at the thought that she may have killed the elf. They disposed of the body, not knowing that the elf was still barely alive. A camera caught the entire scene.
A few months later, Ep’s daughter was called into court. The elf’s friends believed she was the murderer because she may have felt threatened by the elf. After a bit of questioning, the judge concluded one thing.

Ep’s teen didn’t kill Hem’s elf.