Forgettable JOW #663

My JOW is somewhat late this week not because I forgot but because I was in Washington DC for Memorial Day.  That got me thinking about remembering and memory in general.  We all forget things from time to time including things we really should know such as your wife’s favorite flower – (Pillsbury?). I have had to introduce my spouse as “this is ummm…. my wife”.  People who do that sort of thing too often may be suffering from early onset dementia; or they may just be a PhD which is entirely normal for them.  They say two symptoms of getting older are you start forgetting things and, ummm….. something else.  Not only is my short term memory getting bad but so is my short term memory.   They say everyone has a photographic memory but some don't seem have to have film.  I do know one way to get people to remember you – borrow money from them.

So here are a few ‘forgettable’ jokes:

The man looked a little worried when the doctor came in to administer his annual physical, so the first thing the doctor did was to ask whether anything was troubling him.

"Well, to tell the truth, Doc, yes," answered the patient. "You see, I seem to be getting forgetful. I'm never sure I can remember where I put the car, or whether I answered a letter, or where I'm going, or what it is I'm going to do once I get there -- if I get there. So, I really need your help. What can I do?"

The doctor mused for a moment, then answered in his kindest tone, "Pay me in advance."

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An elephant is drinking out of a river when he spots a turtle asleep on a log. The elephant ambles over and kicks the unsuspecting turtle clear across the river.

“Why did you do that?” asks a passing giraffe.

“Because I recognized it as the same turtle that took a nip out of my trunk 47 years ago.”

“Wow, what a memory!” says the giraffe.

“Yes,” says the elephant. “I have turtle recall.”

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A family made an annual summer vacation trek from Chicago to a cabin usually someplace on a lake in Wisconsin or Michigan.

Every year, it seems, they would get on a highway a few miles out of the city, and the mom would wail, “Oh my goodness! I think left the iron on.” And almost every year they would turn around and go back. Not once was it was ever plugged in.

Finally on one trip Mom gasped once again, “I just know I left the iron on.”

The father didn’t say a word, just pulled over onto the shoulder of the road, got out, opened the trunk and handed her the iron.

…………………………………

Eliza and Betty were playing pontoon in the sitting room at the Wood views Home for gentlemen and gentle ladies, when a worried look settled on Eliza’s face.

‘This is awful,’ she said, laying her cards down. ‘I’m so embarrassed. I’ve known you for so many years — but I’ve completely forgotten what your name is.’

Betty gave a snort of impatience. ‘Well really,’ she said. ‘What a question. Fancy asking me that.’  She paused . . .  ‘How soon do you need to know?’

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Old Tom moved in to Wood views and immediately caused a stir. He was in his 80s but very dapper, with a clipped moustache like Clark Gable’s and a silk handkerchief in his blazer pocket.

And he had all the pick-up lines, if only he could remember them. Sidling up to Eliza one evening, he murmured suavely: ‘Tell me, do I come here often?’

Some old quotes

·         Anyone can get old. All you have to do is live long enough - Groucho Marx

·         Middle age is when your age starts to show around your middle.  I wanted to shoot my age in golf; instead I shot my weight. - Bob Hope

·         Like everyone else who makes the mistake of getting older, I begin each day with coffee and obituaries - Bill Cosby

·         You can live to be 100 — if you give up all the things that make you want to live to be 100 - Woody Allen

A few final one liners:

When I'm not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded.

Mind Like A Steel Trap - rusty and illegal In 37 States

Quantum Mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of.

I intend to live forever - so far, so good

If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

Televangelists: The Pro Wrestlers of religion.

The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.

Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder...

24 hours in a day ... 24 beers in a case ...coincidence?  I think not.



Boycott shampoo! Demand the REAL poo!

Punstory JOW #662

Tom sent me a bunch of wretched shaggy dog puns which I am using for my JOW this week.  I do love these sorts of jokes, even in an abbreviated form.  I must admit they are better spoken then written.  One problem is that your audience may not understand the context of the punch line. One of my old standard jokes ends with the line, ‘Pardon me Roy is that the cat who chewed your new shoes.’  Many younger people do not get the joke since they don’t know the song Chattanooga Choo Choo; they don’t even know who Roy Rodgers was.  Likewise, if they are not familiar with the tunes from South Pacific, when you croon ‘Someone chanted evening’, at the end of your long story of the confused monk all you will get is a blank stare.  

Another example is the Mann Act, which may be unfamiliar to younger listeners.  Here are a couple of old jokes with that final line.

A marine biologist developed a race of genetically engineered porpoises that could live forever if they were fed a steady diet of seagulls. One day his supply of the birds ran out. So he had to go out and trap some more. On the way back, he spied two lions asleep on the road. Afraid to wake them, he gingerly stepped over them. Immediately, he was arrested and charged with transporting gulls across sedate lions for immortal porpoises.

Or this version

Another marine biologist in Virginia fell afoul of the law over his dolphins as well.  It seems that all he was able to procure were female dolphins.  Without males their interest in participating in the experiments waned.  Desperate to satisfy his porpoises, he tried to see if any humans could satisfy their needs, but he was limited by morals clauses prohibiting what was in effect bestiality.  Unable to find any men in the great state of Virginia to fill this duty (UVA being on break) he was forced to use a somewhat lower form of life: West Virginia coal miners.  These men were willing to do the deed, and so he loaded them in a school bus for the trip back to his lab but, of course he was arrested for transporting miners across state lines for immoral porpoises.  

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Back in the 1800's the Tates Watch Company of Massachusetts wanted to produce other products and, since they already made the cases for pocket watches, decided to market compasses for the pioneers traveling west. It turned out that although their watches were of finest quality; their compasses were so bad that people often ended up in Canada or Mexico rather than California. This, of course, is the origin of the expression, "He who has a Tates is lost!"

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A skeptical anthropologist was cataloging South American folk remedies with the assistance of a tribal witch doctor who indicated that the leaves of a particular fern were a sure cure for any case of constipation. When the anthropologist expressed his doubts, the healer looked him in the eye and said, "Let me tell you, with fronds like these, who needs enemas?"

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Later the same scientist was feeling very sick, but was too far out in the jungle for modern aid, so he summoned the medicine man again. After a brief examination, the medicine man took out a long, thin strip of elk rawhide and gave it to the anthropologist, instructing him to bite off, chew and swallow one inch of the leather every day. After a month, the medicine man returned to see how his patient was feeling.

The scientist shrugged and said, "The thong is ended, but the malady lingers on."

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A famous Viking explorer returned home from a voyage and found his name missing from the town register. His wife insisted on complaining to the local civic official who apologized profusely saying, "I must have taken Lief off my census."

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Evidence has been found that William Tell and his family were avid bowlers. However, all the Swiss league records were unfortunately destroyed in a fire. Thus we'll never know for whom the Tells bowled.
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And on a slightly different note

A man rushed into a busy doctor's office and shouted "Doctor! I think I'm shrinking!" The doctor calmly responded, "Now, settle down. You'll just have to be a little patient."

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A thief broke into the local police station and stole all the toilets and urinals, leaving no clues. A spokesperson was quoted as saying, "We have absolutely nothing to go on."

I got this from several of my conservative friends including my own sister.

Alabama beat Arkansas, and Arkansas fired their coach.

Alabama beat Tennessee, and Tennessee fired their coach.

Alabama beat Auburn, and Auburn fired their coach.

Then Alabama beat Notre Dame, and the Pope resigned.......

Damn, I wish the White House had a team!

I have never highlighted sarcasm in any of my previous 660 Jokes of the Week, in part because it is too often shallow and vicious and is also frequently lost in written format.   Sarcasm, the witty barb that makes its point by stating the opposite, requires that the intended victim – or any nearby hanger-on – be able to figure out what the attacker is thinking, and that usually requires verbal clues;  thus the failure of so much written sarcasm.  Sadly, and interestingly enough, those who have suffered a head injury are sometimes simply unable to comprehend sarcasm.  In sarcasm, ridicule or mockery is used harshly, often crudely and contemptuously, for destructive purpose; it is actually hostility disguised as humor.   Now I’m not saying all sarcasm is bad.  It’s just better used sparingly – like a potent spice in cooking.

But I thought I would give sarcasm a try.  After all, Sarcasm is the body’s natural defense against Stupid.

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·         I am sorry I hurt your feeling when I called you stupid.  I though you already knew.  Maybe you just have bad luck when it comes to thinking.  I mean, I don’t know what makes you so stupid but it really works.

·         Unless your name is Google stop acting like you know everything.

·         Photoshop – helping ugly people look better in pictures since 1988.

·         “Join the National Sarcasm Society…. Like we need your support”

·         Join the National Apathy Society… or not….

·         Common sense has become so rare it is now classified as a super power.

·         Whenever I get a headache I take a couple of aspirin and keep away from children… just like it says on the bottle.

·         You should always be yourself.  Well, unless you can be a unicorn – then you should be a unicorn

·         ‘Immature’ is a word boring people use to describe fun people.

·         I have OCD and ADD so everything has to be perfect – but not for long.

·         Okay, so I have ADD; people don’t understand how – look a squirrel!

·         Six out of seven dwarfs are not Happy.

·         If you say ‘never say never’ haven’t you just said it twice?

·         My granddad has the heart of a lion. And a lifetime ban from the zoo.

·         With great power, comes a great electric bill

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Some more or less unrelated observations

When people say ‘Life is hard’ I am always tempted to say, ‘Compared to what?’ 

Grammar – It is the difference between misunderstandings like: ‘Lets eat Grandma’ and ‘Let’s eat, Grandma’ or   ‘Feeling your nuts’ and ‘feeling you’re nuts’

She sighed and asked him, “Do you think it's possible to fall in love in the space of a single day?"
He smiled. "I wouldn't know. I only fall in love at night and it never lasts beyond breakfast.” 

At the Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco, and Firearms who brings the chips?

To people go to nudist camps to air their differences?  And how do you tell the blind guy at a nudist camp?  It’s not hard.

What did the stone and the yardstick say to each other?  “You rock!”  “You rule!”

What did the triangle say to the circle? “You’re pointless”

Sure, everybody makes fun of the redneck, until the Zombie Apocalypse. (And you know when the Zombie Apocalypse does happen I am going to have to pretend I am not excited.)

There are three kinds of people in world, those who can count and those who can’t.

When I was a kid I used to…. No wait, I still do that.  You know, pretending to be a mature adult can be so exhausting.

I guess the first 60 years of childhood are the hardest

I have gotten so big I no longer skinny dip, I chucky duck

I might look like fat to you, but it’s really a soft, protective cover for my rock-hard abs

My bucket list now consists of 1) beer and 2) ice.

I love to drink water.  Especially when it is frozen and surrounded by scotch

The police just never seem to think it is as funny as you do.

Having a great vocabulary did not save the Thesaurus from extinction/eradication/extirpation

So.  You.  Notice.  How. When. You.  Read. This. The. Little. Voice.  In. Your. Head. Takes. Pauses?

I never really finish anythi

May or Not JOW #630

Here it is early May and I have already used up my best Cinco de Mayo joke a couple of weeks ago.  I did hear someone on Saturday, 4 May say, ‘May the Fourth be with you.” And that Star Wars reference got me wondering what would come next?  ‘Revenge of the 5th?’  Of course those jokes would be better with a nerdy lisp.  I did not say they would be “good” only better.

Before the jokes, an observation that as an author I find to be distressingly accurate.

“What Orwell feared were those who would ban books.  What Huxley feared was that there would be no reason to ban a book, for there would be no one who wanted to read one.”  Neil Postman who wrote Amusing Ourselves to Death

Woops…time to update my Facebook status… Tweet you later…  or maybe an email or Skype

My sisters submitted a couple of inputs to the JOW and I am pleased to include them in this week’s offering.

·         Healthy is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

·         I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.

·         Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.

·         The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.

·         In the 60's, people took drugs to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take other drugs to make it normal.

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A woman received a call that her daughter was sick. She stopped by the pharmacy to get medication, got back to her car and found that she had locked her keys inside. The woman found an old rusty coat hanger left on the ground.  She looked at it and said "I don't know how to use this." She bowed her head and asked God to send her HELP. Within 5 minutes a beat up old motorcycle pulled up. A bearded man who was wearing an old biker skull rag got off of his cycle and asked if he could help.  She said: "Yes, my daughter is sick. I’ve locked my keys in my car. I must get home. Please, can you use this hanger to unlock my car?" He said "Sure."He walked over to the car, and in less than a minute the car was open. She hugged the man and through tears said "Thank You SO Much! You are a very nice man." The man replied "Lady, I am NOT a nice man. I just got out of PRISON yesterday; I was in prison for car theft." The woman hugged the man again sobbing, "Oh, thank you God! You even sent me a Professional!"  Dick just sent this to me – it is one I have not heard before  A couple was Christmas shopping at the mall on Christmas Eve and the  mall was packed.   As the wife walked through the mall she was surprised to look up and  see her husband was nowhere around.  She was quite upset because they had a lot to do.  Because she was so worried, she called him on her mobile phone to ask him where he was.  In a calm voice, the husband said, "Honey, you remember the jewelry store we went into about 5 yrs ago where you fell in love with that diamond necklace that we could not afford and I told you that I would get it for you one day?"  The wife choked up and started to cry and said, "Yes, I remember that jewelry store."  He said, "Well,..... I'm in the Golf store right next to it." This is from Tom and so is politically incorrect Sue Wong marries Lee Wong   The next year, the Wongs have a new baby. The nurse brings out a lovely, healthy, bouncy, but definitely a Caucasian, WHITE baby boy. 'Congratulations,' says the nurse to the new parents. 'Well Mr. Wong, what will you and Mrs. Wong name the baby?' The puzzled father looks at his new baby boy and says, 'Well, two Wong's don't make a white, so I think we will name him.. Sum Ting Wong