Mary Ellen has a friend who is a technophobe, a real neo-Luddite. Just because a person doesn’t care for computers doesn’t mean they have no sense of humor. Just look at Henny Youngman─ okay, maybe that is not such a good example. At any rate, he said plowing on relentlessly, I received a number of jokes via the MAIL! Yes, some JOW fodder provided in neatly typed slips of paper. Of course, I have used them once or twice before; that does not matter. What is important is that if someone is willing to take the time to write jokes down, and ME is willing to mail them to me, then by George, I am going to take the time to transcribe them and send them on to you.
Two young boys walked into a pharmacy and, with at bit of discussion and whispering, pick out a box of tampons and proceeded to the checkout counter.
“Son, how old are you?’ the man at the counter asked the older boy.
“Eight.”
“Do you know what these are used for?”
“Not exactly,” the boy replied. “They are not for me. They are for my brother. He’s five.”
The man raised his eyebrows.
“You see,” the boy explained, “we saw on TV that if you use these you would be able to swim, and ride a bike. Right now he can’t do either of those things.”
A blonde calls her boyfriend. “Please come over here and help me with this killer jigsaw puzzle. I can’t even figure out how to get started.”
“What is it supposed to be?” he asks.
“According to the picture on the box it is supposed to be a tiger.”
When her boyfriend arrives she show him where she has spread out all the pieces all over the table. He studies the pieces for a moment and turns to her.
“First of all, no matter what we do, we are not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a tiger.” He takes her hand and continues, “I want you to relax. We can have a nice cup of tea. Then we can put all the Frosted Flakes back into the box.”
This is from Martha.
A man was driving when he saw the flash of a traffic camera.
He figured that his picture had been taken for exceeding the limit, even though he knew that he was not speeding...
Just to be sure, he went around the block and passed the same spot, driving even more slowly, but again the camera flashed.
Now he began to think that this was quite funny, so he drove even slower as he passed the area again, but the traffic camera again flashed.
He tried a fourth time with the same result.
He did this a fifth time and was now laughing when the camera flashed as he rolled past, this time at a snail's pace. There was no way he could get a ticket for speeding.
Two weeks later, he got five tickets in the mail for driving without a seat belt.
How you can tell the economy is in bad shape . .
* I got a pre-declined credit card in the mail.
* I went to buy a toaster oven and they gave me a bank.
* Hotwheels and Matchbox car companies are now trading higher than GM in the stock market.
* Obama met with small businesses - GE, Pfizer, Chrysler, Citigroup and GM, to discuss the Stimulus Package.
* McDonalds is selling the 1/4 ouncer.
* The most highly-paid job is now jury duty.
* Motel Six won't leave the lights on.
* The Mafia is laying off judges.
Thursday, July 30, 2009
Wednesday, July 22, 2009
Shaggy Old JOW
I have some old jokes this week. Are there any other kind? First, some advice about longevity: The secret of staying young is to live honestly, eat slowly, and lie about your age.
Martha provided these tidbits for/about senior citizens.
Cremation - Think outside the box
I'm retired. I was tired yesterday and I'm tired again today.
When I was younger all I wanted was a nice BMW. Now don't care about the W.
I was taught to respect my elders. Now there is no one left to respect.
Food has replaced sex in my life and I can't even get into my own pants.
Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.
I am so old that:
I don't buy green bananas.
When I eat out the waiter wants me to pay for the meal in advance.
The snap crackle and pop in the morning isn't my Rice Krispies
I only buy the large type version of Alphabet soup.
Words to drink by:
In wine there is wisdom,
in beer there is freedom,
in water there is bacteria.
In a number of carefully controlled trials, scientists have demonstrated that if we drink 1 liter of water each day, at the end of the year we would have absorbed more than 1 kilo of Escherichia coli, (E. coli) - bacteria found in feces.
In other words, we are consuming 1 kilo of poop..
However,
we do NOT run that risk when drinking wine & beer (or tequila, rum, whiskey or other liquor)
because alcohol has to go through a purification process of boiling, filtering and/or fermenting.
Thus it is better to drink wine and talk stupid, than to drink water and be full of crap.
Remember:
Water = Poop,
Wine = Health.
Here is a shaggy dog joke
A debt collector knocked on the door of a country family, that made their living weaving cloth.
"Is Jack home?" he asked the woman who answered the door.
"I'm sorry," the woman replied. "Jack's gone for cotton."
A few weeks later the collector tried again. "Is Jack here today?"
Once again the answer was "No, sir, I'm afraid he has gone for cotton."
When he returned for the third time and Jack was still nowhere to be seen, he complained, "I suppose Jack is gone for cotton again?"
"No," the woman answered solemnly, "Jack died yesterday."
Suspicious that he was being avoided, the collector decided to wait a week and investigate the cemetery himself. But sure enough, there was poor Jack's tombstone, with this inscription: ...
"Gone, But Not for Cotton."
Ever wonder where shaggy dog jokes come from?
A man answered his door to find a boy with a dog on a leash, who asked him,
“Are you the man who put in the ad about a lost dog?"
"Yes I did," the man replied.
Medium size?”
“Yes,” says the man.
“Light brown?”
“Yes.”
“Slight limp?”
“Yes.”
“Answers to Rex?”
“Yes.”
“Shaggy coat?”
The man peers at the dog and says, “Not that shaggy.”
Martha provided these tidbits for/about senior citizens.
Cremation - Think outside the box
I'm retired. I was tired yesterday and I'm tired again today.
When I was younger all I wanted was a nice BMW. Now don't care about the W.
I was taught to respect my elders. Now there is no one left to respect.
Food has replaced sex in my life and I can't even get into my own pants.
Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.
I am so old that:
I don't buy green bananas.
When I eat out the waiter wants me to pay for the meal in advance.
The snap crackle and pop in the morning isn't my Rice Krispies
I only buy the large type version of Alphabet soup.
Words to drink by:
In wine there is wisdom,
in beer there is freedom,
in water there is bacteria.
In a number of carefully controlled trials, scientists have demonstrated that if we drink 1 liter of water each day, at the end of the year we would have absorbed more than 1 kilo of Escherichia coli, (E. coli) - bacteria found in feces.
In other words, we are consuming 1 kilo of poop..
However,
we do NOT run that risk when drinking wine & beer (or tequila, rum, whiskey or other liquor)
because alcohol has to go through a purification process of boiling, filtering and/or fermenting.
Thus it is better to drink wine and talk stupid, than to drink water and be full of crap.
Remember:
Water = Poop,
Wine = Health.
Here is a shaggy dog joke
A debt collector knocked on the door of a country family, that made their living weaving cloth.
"Is Jack home?" he asked the woman who answered the door.
"I'm sorry," the woman replied. "Jack's gone for cotton."
A few weeks later the collector tried again. "Is Jack here today?"
Once again the answer was "No, sir, I'm afraid he has gone for cotton."
When he returned for the third time and Jack was still nowhere to be seen, he complained, "I suppose Jack is gone for cotton again?"
"No," the woman answered solemnly, "Jack died yesterday."
Suspicious that he was being avoided, the collector decided to wait a week and investigate the cemetery himself. But sure enough, there was poor Jack's tombstone, with this inscription: ...
"Gone, But Not for Cotton."
Ever wonder where shaggy dog jokes come from?
A man answered his door to find a boy with a dog on a leash, who asked him,
“Are you the man who put in the ad about a lost dog?"
"Yes I did," the man replied.
Medium size?”
“Yes,” says the man.
“Light brown?”
“Yes.”
“Slight limp?”
“Yes.”
“Answers to Rex?”
“Yes.”
“Shaggy coat?”
The man peers at the dog and says, “Not that shaggy.”
Tuesday, July 14, 2009
Axiomatic JOW
I am trying to wean myself from the tyranny of Microsoft by shifting to OpenOffice. It is a pretty good program, but I do not have all of its features quite down yet, so that will be my excuse for any errors you might notice in the new few (dozen) JOWs.
Mary Ellen offered a couple of submissions this week including this one.
If you hear a "loud rumble" tonight in the sky, don't worry.
It's not thunder.
It's Elvis beatin' the crap out of Michael Jackson for marrying his daughter.
But it was Bil who provided the best offerings with these:
Axioms for Today
Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film.
He who laughs last, thinks slowest.
A day without sunshine is like, well, night.
On the other hand, you have different fingers.
Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
Back up my hard drive? How do I put it in reverse?
She was lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
When the chips are down, the buffalo is empty.
Seen it all, done it all, can't remember most of it.
Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.
I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.
He's not dead. He's electroencephalographically challenged.
She's always late. Her ancestors arrived on the Julyflower.
You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted then used against you.
Honk if you love peace and quiet.
Despite the high cost of living, have you noticed how it remains so popular?
Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.
You can't have everything, where would you put it?
Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world's population.
If the shoe fits, it's ugly.
Flashlight: A case for holding dead batteries.
Shin: A device for finding furniture..
A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.
It was recently discovered that research causes cancer in rats.
I wished the buck stopped here, as I could use a few.
I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it..
When you go into court you are putting yourself in the hands of 12 people that weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.
And finally, Bil's favorite modern Axiom:
The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.
WAYS YOU KNOW THE ECONOMY IS BAD. . .
You got a pre-declined credit card in the mail.
HotWheels and Matchbox car companies are trading higher than GM in the stock market.
Obama met with small businesses - GE, Pfizer, Chrysler, Citigroup and GM, to discuss the Stimulus Package.
McDonald's is selling the “1/4 ouncer”.
The most highly-paid job is jury duty.
Motel Six won't leave the lights on.
The Mafia is laying off judges.
Three quick jokes.
A little boy went up to his father and asked: 'Dad, Where did my intelligence come from?'
The father replied, 'Well, son, you must have got it from your mother, 'cause I still have mine.'
Two guys were discussing popular family trends on sex, marriage and family values.
Stu said, 'I didn't sleep with my wife before we got married..... Did you?'
Leroy replied, 'I'm not sure.... What was her maiden name?'
A blonde calls Delta Airlines and asks, 'Can you tell me how
Long it'll take to fly from San Francisco to New York City?'
The agent replies, 'Just a minute.'
'Thank you,' the blonde says...... and hangs up.
Mary Ellen offered a couple of submissions this week including this one.
If you hear a "loud rumble" tonight in the sky, don't worry.
It's not thunder.
It's Elvis beatin' the crap out of Michael Jackson for marrying his daughter.
But it was Bil who provided the best offerings with these:
Axioms for Today
Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film.
He who laughs last, thinks slowest.
A day without sunshine is like, well, night.
On the other hand, you have different fingers.
Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
Back up my hard drive? How do I put it in reverse?
She was lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
When the chips are down, the buffalo is empty.
Seen it all, done it all, can't remember most of it.
Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.
I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.
He's not dead. He's electroencephalographically challenged.
She's always late. Her ancestors arrived on the Julyflower.
You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted then used against you.
Honk if you love peace and quiet.
Despite the high cost of living, have you noticed how it remains so popular?
Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.
You can't have everything, where would you put it?
Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world's population.
If the shoe fits, it's ugly.
Flashlight: A case for holding dead batteries.
Shin: A device for finding furniture..
A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.
It was recently discovered that research causes cancer in rats.
I wished the buck stopped here, as I could use a few.
I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it..
When you go into court you are putting yourself in the hands of 12 people that weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.
And finally, Bil's favorite modern Axiom:
The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.
WAYS YOU KNOW THE ECONOMY IS BAD. . .
You got a pre-declined credit card in the mail.
HotWheels and Matchbox car companies are trading higher than GM in the stock market.
Obama met with small businesses - GE, Pfizer, Chrysler, Citigroup and GM, to discuss the Stimulus Package.
McDonald's is selling the “1/4 ouncer”.
The most highly-paid job is jury duty.
Motel Six won't leave the lights on.
The Mafia is laying off judges.
Three quick jokes.
A little boy went up to his father and asked: 'Dad, Where did my intelligence come from?'
The father replied, 'Well, son, you must have got it from your mother, 'cause I still have mine.'
Two guys were discussing popular family trends on sex, marriage and family values.
Stu said, 'I didn't sleep with my wife before we got married..... Did you?'
Leroy replied, 'I'm not sure.... What was her maiden name?'
A blonde calls Delta Airlines and asks, 'Can you tell me how
Long it'll take to fly from San Francisco to New York City?'
The agent replies, 'Just a minute.'
'Thank you,' the blonde says...... and hangs up.
Tuesday, July 7, 2009
Return of the JOW
We are back from our nice relaxing vacation. We spent lots of time napping and reading. We hardly even heard about all the details of Michael Jackson’s death. There are lots of juicy jokes going around about the “Gloved One” but most, though very funny are utterly tasteless, which, I suppose is why they are so funny.
As to our vacation activities, it was very low key. I even tried to do some fishing. That is why this old joke is so topical.
================
Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, grabbed the dog, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day.
I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."
My loving wife of 10 years replied, "Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?"
==============
For the intellectuals among us.
What is the difference between Bird Flu and Swine Flu?
• For bird flu you need tweetment
• For swine flu you need oinkment.
=================
Okay, here is another leftover alligator joke
An elderly man in Louisiana had owned a large farm for several years. He also had a large pond in the back.
It was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed it up nice with picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple, and peach trees.
One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, just to look it over.
He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.
As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.
As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond.
He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end. One of the women shouted to him, 'we're not coming out until you leave!'
The old man frowned, 'I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked.'
Holding the bucket up he said, 'I'm here to feed the alligator.'
Some old men can still think fast.
===============
Rules of Houston , H-Town, Bayou City , The Dirty 3rd, or whatever you call it.
1. You must learn to pronounce the city name. It is "Hue-stun,"not "Ewe-stun", or "house-tun" Oh yea, the street is pronounced "San Phil-ee-pay," not" San Phil-eep" (San Felipe).
2. Forget the traffic rules you learned elsewhere. Houston has its own version of traffic rules...Hold on and pray. There is no such thing as a dangerous high-speed chase in Houston . We all drive like that.
3. All directions start with, "Go down to Loop 610".... which has no beginning and no end.
4. The Chamber of Commerce calls getting through traffic... a " Scenic Drive ."
5. The morning rush hour is from 6:00AM to 10:00AM. The evening rush hour is from 3:00PM to 7:00PM. Friday's rush hour starts Thursday morning.
6. If you actually stop at a yellow light, you will be rear-ended, cussed out and possibly shot. When you are the first one off the starting line, count to five when the
light turns green before going, to avoid getting into any cross-traffic's way.
7. Kuykendahl Road can only be pronounced by a native Houstonian.
(okay, it’s Kirk In Doll)
8. Construction on I-10, I-45, US 59 and Loop 610 is a way of life and a permanent form of entertainment.
9. All unexplained smells are explained by the phrases, "Oh, we must be in Pasadena!" or "God, I hate Baytown !" or "Mmm, smell that Texas City !"
10. If someone actually has their turn signal on, it is probably a factory defect.
11. All old ladies with blue hair in a pink Cadillac have total right-of-way.
12. The minimum acceptable speed on Loop 610 is 85 mph. Anything less is considered downright sissy. In turn, the minimum speed on Westheimer is at least 45mph.
13. The wrought iron on windows in east Houston is NOT ornamental.
14. Never stare at the driver of the car with the bumper sticker that says, "Keep honking, I'm reloading." In fact, don't honk at anyone.
15. If you are in the left lane, and only going 70 mph in a 60 mph zone, people are not waving when they go by.
16. The Sam Houston Toll road is our daily version of NASCAR.
(See, officer, I was QUALIFYING!!!)
17. If it's 100 degrees, Thanksgiving must be next weekend.
18. When in doubt, remember that all unmarked exits lead to Louisiana.
19. If you live in Katy and I live on the south side of Houston we'll never hang out.
20. The best thing about being drunk between 2-5 am is Whataburger will serve both breakfast and normal menus.
21. You are always able to be pulled over by any police vehicle, even if you were just given a ticket.
22. You don't have to wait for an exit to get off a freeway, just follow the ruts in the grass to the feeder like everyone else. This is how Houston residents notify
Texas Department of Transportation where exits should have been built.
23. Else-where, they are called frontage roads. Here in Houston, they are called FEEDER roads, so don't look stupid when we say "Exit the feeder road and use
the flyover."
If you don't live here, most of this will sound utterly insane, but to all of us who call this home... nothing but the truth and you know it!!!
============
And from Martha for you mega nerds:
At 5 minutes and 6 seconds after 4 a.m., on the 8th of July, this year, the time and date will be: 04:05:06 07-08-09
This will not happen again until the year3009!!!
As to our vacation activities, it was very low key. I even tried to do some fishing. That is why this old joke is so topical.
================
Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, grabbed the dog, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day.
I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."
My loving wife of 10 years replied, "Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?"
==============
For the intellectuals among us.
What is the difference between Bird Flu and Swine Flu?
• For bird flu you need tweetment
• For swine flu you need oinkment.
=================
Okay, here is another leftover alligator joke
An elderly man in Louisiana had owned a large farm for several years. He also had a large pond in the back.
It was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed it up nice with picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple, and peach trees.
One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, just to look it over.
He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.
As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.
As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond.
He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end. One of the women shouted to him, 'we're not coming out until you leave!'
The old man frowned, 'I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked.'
Holding the bucket up he said, 'I'm here to feed the alligator.'
Some old men can still think fast.
===============
Rules of Houston , H-Town, Bayou City , The Dirty 3rd, or whatever you call it.
1. You must learn to pronounce the city name. It is "Hue-stun,"not "Ewe-stun", or "house-tun" Oh yea, the street is pronounced "San Phil-ee-pay," not" San Phil-eep" (San Felipe).
2. Forget the traffic rules you learned elsewhere. Houston has its own version of traffic rules...Hold on and pray. There is no such thing as a dangerous high-speed chase in Houston . We all drive like that.
3. All directions start with, "Go down to Loop 610".... which has no beginning and no end.
4. The Chamber of Commerce calls getting through traffic... a " Scenic Drive ."
5. The morning rush hour is from 6:00AM to 10:00AM. The evening rush hour is from 3:00PM to 7:00PM. Friday's rush hour starts Thursday morning.
6. If you actually stop at a yellow light, you will be rear-ended, cussed out and possibly shot. When you are the first one off the starting line, count to five when the
light turns green before going, to avoid getting into any cross-traffic's way.
7. Kuykendahl Road can only be pronounced by a native Houstonian.
(okay, it’s Kirk In Doll)
8. Construction on I-10, I-45, US 59 and Loop 610 is a way of life and a permanent form of entertainment.
9. All unexplained smells are explained by the phrases, "Oh, we must be in Pasadena!" or "God, I hate Baytown !" or "Mmm, smell that Texas City !"
10. If someone actually has their turn signal on, it is probably a factory defect.
11. All old ladies with blue hair in a pink Cadillac have total right-of-way.
12. The minimum acceptable speed on Loop 610 is 85 mph. Anything less is considered downright sissy. In turn, the minimum speed on Westheimer is at least 45mph.
13. The wrought iron on windows in east Houston is NOT ornamental.
14. Never stare at the driver of the car with the bumper sticker that says, "Keep honking, I'm reloading." In fact, don't honk at anyone.
15. If you are in the left lane, and only going 70 mph in a 60 mph zone, people are not waving when they go by.
16. The Sam Houston Toll road is our daily version of NASCAR.
(See, officer, I was QUALIFYING!!!)
17. If it's 100 degrees, Thanksgiving must be next weekend.
18. When in doubt, remember that all unmarked exits lead to Louisiana.
19. If you live in Katy and I live on the south side of Houston we'll never hang out.
20. The best thing about being drunk between 2-5 am is Whataburger will serve both breakfast and normal menus.
21. You are always able to be pulled over by any police vehicle, even if you were just given a ticket.
22. You don't have to wait for an exit to get off a freeway, just follow the ruts in the grass to the feeder like everyone else. This is how Houston residents notify
Texas Department of Transportation where exits should have been built.
23. Else-where, they are called frontage roads. Here in Houston, they are called FEEDER roads, so don't look stupid when we say "Exit the feeder road and use
the flyover."
If you don't live here, most of this will sound utterly insane, but to all of us who call this home... nothing but the truth and you know it!!!
============
And from Martha for you mega nerds:
At 5 minutes and 6 seconds after 4 a.m., on the 8th of July, this year, the time and date will be: 04:05:06 07-08-09
This will not happen again until the year3009!!!
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