Holy JOW #1135

This JOW is church/religion-based.  It will have to last you for a couple of weeks as I will be out of the country next week; I am going on a cruise as a vacation and this includes a vacation from my weekly set of jokes.  Sorry, contact me for refunds is so desired.  In the meantime enjoy these people.

-----------

The fact that there’s a highway to hell and only a stairway to heaven says a lot about anticipated traffic numbers.

 

“Jesus said ‘love your enemies.’ He didn’t say not to have any.”

 

A father was approached by his small son who told him proudly, "I know what the Bible means!"
His father smiled and replied, "What do you mean, you 'know' what the Bible means?
The son replied, "I do know!"
"Okay," said his father. "What does the Bible mean?"
"That's easy, Daddy..." the young boy replied excitedly," It stands for 'Basic Information Before Leaving Earth.' 

========

There was a very gracious lady who was mailing an old family Bible to her brother in another part of the country.
"Is there anything breakable in here?" asked the postal clerk.
"Only the Ten Commandments." answered the lady.

========

A minister parked his car in a no-parking zone in a large city because he was short of time and couldn't find a space with a meter.
Then he put a note under the windshield wiper that read: "I have circled the block 10 times. If I don't park here, I'll miss my appointment. Forgive us our trespasses."
When he returned, he found a citation from a police officer along with this note "I've circled this block for 10 years. If I don't give you a ticket I'll lose my job. Lead us not into temptation."

========

There is the story of a pastor who got up one Sunday and announced to his congregation: "I have good news and bad news. The good news is, we have enough money to pay for our new building program. The bad news is, it's still out there in your pockets."

========

A minister waited in line to have his car filled with gas just before a long holiday weekend. The attendant worked quickly, but there were many cars ahead of him. Finally, the attendant motioned him toward a vacant pump.
"Reverend," said the young man, "I'm so sorry about the delay. It seems as if everyone waits until the last minute to get ready for a long trip."
The minister chuckled, "I know what you mean. It's the same in my business."

========

People want the front of the bus, the back of the church, and the center of attention.

========

Sunday after church, a Mom asked her very young daughter what the lesson was about.
The daughter answered, "Don't be scared, you'll get your quilt."
Needless to say, the Mom was perplexed. Later in the day, the pastor stopped by for tea and the Mom asked him what that morning's Sunday school lesson was about.
He said "Be not afraid, thy comforter is coming."

========

The minister was preoccupied with thoughts of how he was going to ask the congregation to come up with more money than they were expecting for repairs to the church building. Therefore, he was annoyed to find that the regular organist was sick and a substitute had been brought in at the last minute. The substitute wanted to know what to play.
"Here's a copy of the service," he said impatiently. "But, you'll have to think of something to play after I make the announcement about the finances."
During the service, the minister paused and said, "Brothers and Sisters, we are in great difficulty; the roof repairs cost twice as much as we expected and we need $4,000 more. Any of you who can pledge $100 or more, please stand up."
At that moment, the substitute organist played "The Star Spangled Banner."
And that is how the substitute became the regular organist.

^^^^^^^^

One day a group of scientists got together and decided that man had come a long way and no longer needed God.

So they picked one scientist to go and tell Him that they were done with Him.
The scientist walked up to God and said, "God, we've decided that we no longer need you. We're to the point that we can clone people and do many miraculous things, so why don't you just go on and get lost?"
God listened very patiently and kindly to the man. After the scientist was done talking, God said, "Very well, how about this? Let's say we have a man-making contest."
To which the scientist replied, "Okay, great!" But, God added, "Now, we're going to do this just like I did back in the old days with Adam.
"The scientist said, "Sure, no problem" and bent down and grabbed himself a handful of dirt. God looked at him and said, "No, no, no. You go get your own dirt."

Last, but not least, a great one:

When Apollo Mission Astronaut Neil Armstrong first walked on the moon, he not only gave his famous "One small step for man; one giant leap for mankind" statement, but followed it by several remarks, including the usual COM traffic between him, the other astronauts, and Mission Control. Before he re-entered the lander, he made the enigmatic remark "Good luck, Mr. Gorsky."
Many people at NASA thought it was a casual remark concerning some rival Soviet Cosmonaut. However, upon checking, [they found] there was no Gorsky in either the Russian or American space programs.
Over the years, many people have questioned him as to what the "Good luck, Mr. Gorsky" statement meant. On July 5, in Tampa Bay, FL, while answering questions following a speech, a reporter brought up the 26- year-old question to Armstrong. He finally responded. It seems that Mr. Gorsky had died and so Armstrong felt he could answer the question. When he was a kid, Neil was playing baseball with his brother in the backyard. His brother hit a fly ball which landed in front of his neighbors' bedroom window. The neighbors were Mr. and Mrs. Gorsky. As he leaned down to pick up the ball, he heard Mrs. Gorsky shouting at Mr. Gorsky, "Oral sex? Oral sex you want? You'll get oral sex when the kid next door walks on the moon!"

 

Yet Another Old JOW #1134

 I hope some of you don’t remember that I have been doing a lot of old people jokes.  The subject is easy and topical.  It’s weird being the same age as old people.  I am still as swift as a gazelle.  An old one.  With a bad knee.  Anyway, here are some jokes about older folks.

 

How to tell if you are old?

Pretend to fall down. If people laugh, you are not old yet.

 

Why don’t you ever see beggars over 65?

Because old people hate change

 

I got a Seniors GPS.  Not only does it tell me how to get to my destination, it tells me why I wanted to go there.

 

Think people are getting dumber?  Fifty years ago the owner’s manual of a car showed you have to change oil and adjust the valves.  Today it warns you not to drink the contents of the battery.

 

How many older people can remember their childhood phone number (Evergreen 9-7100) but can’t remember their passwords?

 

I just ordered a life alert bracelet so if I get a life I will be notified immediately

 

People who ask me what I am going to do tomorrow probably assume I even know what day of the week it is.

 

Getting old is just one body part after another saying “Ha.  You think that is bad?  Watch this.”

 

I try to be hip, I am faking it.  Sort of an artificial hip.

 

“What’s a hipster?” asked my four-year-old cousin. “Someone who will wear something just to look different,”

I said. “They’ll often buy clothes in thrift shops and wear thick glasses.”

“Is Grandma a hipster?” he asked

 

 “Dad, what were your good old days?” His thoughtful reply: “When I wasn’t good, and I wasn’t old.” 

 

Just as she was celebrating her 80th birthday, our friend received a jury-duty notice. She called the clerk's office to remind them that she was exempt because of her age.
"You need to come in and fill out the exemption forms," the clerk said.
"But I filled them out last year," she replied.
"You have to fill them out every year."
"Why? Do you think I'm getting younger?"

 

Seeing her friend Sally wearing a new locket, Meg asks if there is a memento of some sort inside.

“Yes,” says Sally, “a lock of my husband’s hair.”

“But Larry’s still alive.”

“I know, but his hair is gone.”

 

One of the shortest wills ever written: “Being of sound mind, I spent all the money.”

 

On the phone with my 93-year-old brother in Wisconsin, and I told him I thought it was time he paid someone to shovel snow for him. He suddenly grew indignant. “Why should I pay someone to shovel?” he demanded. “I can get my son to do it. He’s only 70!”

 

The average age of people living in our military retirement community is 85. Recently, a neighbor turned 100, and a big birthday party was thrown. Even his son turned up.

“How old are you?” a tenant asked.

“I’m 71 years old,” he answered.

The tenant shook her head. “They sure grow up fast, don’t they?”

 

“This is your great-grandma and great grandpa,” I told my grandson as I handed him a photo of my parents.

“Do you think I look like them?”

He shook his head. “Not yet.”

 

As the hostess at the casino buffet showed a elderly woman to her table, the old lady asked her to keep an eye out for her husband, who would be joining me momentarily. She started to describe him: “He has gray hair, wears glasses, and has a potbelly ...”

The waitress stopped her, “Honey,” she said, “today is Senior Day. They all look like that.” 

 

Doctor: How old are your kids?

Patient: Two who are 44 and 39 from my first wife and two more from my second wife; they are 15 and 13.

Doctor: That’s quite the age difference!

Patient: Well, the older ones didn’t give me any grandkids, so I made my own.

 

After my 91-year-old mother finished having her hair cut and shaped, the stylist announced, “There, now you look ten years younger.”

My mother, un­impressed, replied, “Who wants to look 81 years

 

You can tell monopoly's an old game because there's a luxury tax and rich people can go to jail

 

People say Millennials are entitled but have you ever tried to tell an old lady her coupon has expired?

Here are a few more jokes to round out the week.

Autocorrect can lead you down some strange places.  It helps if you imagine autocorrect as a tiny elf in your phone who tries to be helpful but is quite drunk.

 

Apple pie in Jamaica costs $3.00

Key Lime pie in Antiqua costs $3.50

Cherry pie in Tortuga costs $2.75

These are the Pie Rates of the Caribbean

 

You remember those yardsticks?

They don't make them any longer.

 

I went to a horrible bar called the Fiddle.  I really was a vile inn.

 

If any of you know how to fix broken hinges my door is always open

 

A perfectionist walked into a bar.  Apparently it was set high enough.

 

I wanted to be a singing monk, but I never got the chants.

 

My friend was explaining electricity and I was like Watt?

 

Some puns make me numb and math puns make me number.

 

My friend David had his ID stolen.  Now he’s just Dav

 

A police car lost their wheels to thieves.   Cops are working tirelessly to nab suspect.

 

Now that we have lived through a plague, we understand why all those Renaissance paintings are of chubby women lying around without a bra.

 

 

Think we have a lot of bad jokes? Here is a joke that appeared in an 1872 issue of the Daily Phoenix

 

A man said to a preacher, 'that was an excellent sermon, but it was not original'.

The preacher was taken aback. The man said he had a book at home containing every word the preacher used. The next day, the man brought the preacher a dictionary.

 

Obit JOW #1133

 I have make jokes about a lot of things over the past twenty plus years; this week I have some funny obituaries.  I have reached the age where I sometimes read the obituaries; most of them are not well written, but these samples I have are funny and sometimes touching.  Most of these were written by loving relatives, but some were written in advance (obviously) by the person themselves.  I have edited them only for length, cutting out the stuff that was less funny.

+++++

James “Jim” Groth made his last wildly inappropriate and probably sarcastic comment on July 28th.

His regrets were few but include eating a rotisserie hot dog from a convenience store in the summer of 2002, not training his faithful dog Rita to detect cancer, and that no video evidence exists of his prowess on the soccer field or in the bedroom.

Although a less than average life span, Jim did not live an average life.  He traveled where he wanted to travel, laughed inappropriately at every chance, learned what he wanted to learn, fix what he wanted to fix and loved who he wanted to love.

Cremation will take place at the family’s convenience, and his ashes will be kept around as long as they match the décor.

----

Aaron Kuylmeyer, Age 35, died peacefully at home on November 25 after complications from a radioactive spider bite that led to years of crime-fighting and a year’s long battle with a nefarious criminal named Cancer, who has plagued our society for far too long.  

He is survived by first wife Gwen Stefani, current wife Nora and their son Ralph, who will grow up to avenge his father’s untimely death.”

++++

Pat Stocks, 94, passed away peacefully at her home in bed July 1, 2015.

She left behind a hell of a lot of stuff to her daughter and sons who have no idea what to do with it.  You should wait the appropriate amount of time and get in touch.  Tomorrow would be fine.

This is not an ad for a pawn shop, but an obituary for a great Woman, Mother, Grandmother and Great-Grandmother.  She leaves behind a very dysfunctional family that she was very proud of.

``````

So, the world doesn’t have Angus MacDonald to kick around anymore.  I’m gone!  The devil finally called my name.  The grim reaper came for me on Friday March 25, 2016.  I bought the farm.  I bit the dust.  So I guess I’m off to the Promised Land?

I’m being cremated and my ashes are being scattered (somewhere).  So instead of going to see the great creator, I will be going to see the great cremater. 

I had some serious health problems the last few years, but survived them (up till now anyway) with the help of my wife, Brenda; my granddaughter, Nicole; and my sweetheart little dog, Scarlett.  Scarlett died recently; there really are no words to describe what a total de-stresser Scarlett was for me.   I guess if there’s a place in the after-life where little dogs and old dawgs go, then that’s where you’ll find me and Scarlett.  Maybe I’ll see you all there sometime.

>>>>> 

“Walter George Bruhl Jr. is a dead person, he is no more, he is bereft of life, he is deceased, he has wrung down the curtain and gone to join the choir invisible, he has expired and gone to meet his maker.

He drifted off this mortal coil on March 9, 2014 at his home.

His spirit was released from his worn out shell of a body and is now exploring the universe.

He was surrounded by his loving wife of 57 years, Helene Sellers Bruhl, who will now be able to purchase the mink coat which he had always refused her because he believed only minks should wear mink.  Walt was preceded in death by his tonsils and adenoids, a spinal disc, a large piece of his thyroid gland, and his prostate.

There will be no viewing since his wife refuses to honor his request to have him standing in the corner of the room with a glass of Jack Daniels in his hand so that he would appear natural to visitors.

Cremation will take place at the family’s convenience and his ashes will be kept in a Grecian urn until they get tired of having it around.  What’s a Grecian Urn?  Oh, about 200 drachmas a week.

Everyone who remembers him is asked to celebrate Walt’s life in their own way.  Raising a glass of their favorite drink in his memory would be quite appropriate.

>>>> 

 “Norma Rae Flicker Brewer, a resident of Fairfield, passed away while climbing Mount Kilimanjaro.  She never realized her life goal of reaching the summit, but made it to the base camp.  

Her daughter, Donna, her dog, Mia, and her cats, came along at the last minute.  There is suspicion that Mrs. Brewer died from hypothermia, after Mia ate Mrs. Brewer’s warm winter boots and socks.

<<<<< 

Waffle House lost a loyal customer on April 30, 2013.  Antonia W. “Toni” Larroux died after a battle with multiple illnesses: lupus, rickets, scurvy, kidney disease and feline leukemia.

She had previously conquered polio as a child contributing to her unusually petite ankles and the nickname “polio legs” given to her by her ex-husband, Jean F. Larroux, Jr.  It should not be difficult to imagine the multiple reasons for their divorce 35+ years ago.

Two children resulted from that marriage.  Due to multiple, anonymous Mother’s Day cards which arrived each May, the children suspect there were other siblings but that has never been verified.  Toni often remarked that her son, Jean III, was “just like his father,” her ex-husband, Jean Jr., a statement that haunts her son to this day.

Her favorite activity was sipping hot tea on her back porch with friends seated around her porch ensemble from Dollar General (again, not kidding.)  This ensemble will be sold to the highest bidder at her garage ‘estate’ sale.

‘’’’’’’’’

 On Saturday February the 8th Molson’s stock price fell sharply on the news of Bill Eves’ passing.  Senior executives at Molson called an emergency meeting to brace for the impact of the anticipated drop in sales.

After his retirement he pursued some of his many hobbies including cooking, carpentry, gardening and sending daily joke emails to family and friends.

Perhaps most important to Bill was educating people on the dangers of holding in your farts.  Sadly, he was unable to attain his life-long goal of catching his beloved wife Judy “cutting the cheese” or “playing the bum trumpet”—which he likened to a mythical rarity like spotting Bigfoot or a unicorn.

 

And finally, a joke on another topic provided by Dick.

I asked a supermarket worker where they kept canned peaches.

He said ‘I’ll see.’ And walked away.

He did not come back so I gave up and eventually found them.

They were in Aisle C.

Red Hot JOW #1132

 It is May, and this year I am starting to whinge about the East Texas heat and humidity earlier than ever. The humidity is the worst; I hate it when you step out of an air conditioned space and your glasses immediately fog over.  The sun has become an active enemy.  Not only is it uncomfortable, it can be damaging to your skin.  On the upside, an air conditioned house is a very effective sun block.  What is really disheartening is that it will be like this in East Texas for the next five months.  If hell is going to be this hot, I am going to have to start being a better person.  If you want a sense of what it is like here, take a really hot shower, then put on your clothes back on without drying off.

Here are some jokes about high heat and humidity.

 

I want to rename the basketball franchise in Miami The Humidity.

Then when someone asks if it’s the Heat I can say "it’s not the Heat, it’s the Humidity."

 

Why doesn't the Weather Man ever carry valuables on them in a Texas summer?  It gets too muggy.

If you are struggling to sleep at night because of hot and humid weather. I have a solution. 
Get into bed, lay on your side and get as close to the edge of the bed as possible. 
You will soon drop off.

Cold is nice because you can just add layers until you are comfy.  When it’s hot you can only take off so many layers before it becomes illegal.

 

I just bought a new hat with a built-in fan that keeps my head cool during hot weather.
It really blows my mind.

 

I was at a miniature golf course on a brutally hot day when I saw a father with his two kids. "Who's winning?" I asked cheerfully.

"I am," said one. "No, I am," said the other.

"No," the father said "their mother is!"

A weatherman for the air force and one day during a briefing, the Colonel said, "I think we should all thank Mark here for the wonderful weather that we've been having for our flight ops."
The meteorologist replied, "I'm in prediction, not production. I think we need to thank the chaplain."
The chaplain, without missing a beat, says, "I'm in sales, not in management."

 

 

I knew a guy who always used to say "there is no such thing as bad weather, only inappropriate clothing".

I say "used to' because he got hit by lightning.

 

Enough with the humidity.  Here are some puzzling questions:

Which letter is silent in the word "Scent," the S or the C?

Do twins ever realize that one of them is unplanned?

Why is the letter W, in English, called double U? Shouldn't it be called double V?

Maybe oxygen is slowly killing you and it just takes 75-100 years to fully work.

Every time you clean something, you just make something else dirty.

The word "swims" upside-down is still "swims".

If you replace "W" with "T" in "What, Where and When", you get the answer to each of them.

If you rip a hole in a net, there are actually fewer holes in it than there were before.

 

A physicist, a chemist, and a statistician walk into an office to discover the trash can is on fire.

The physicist announces "We must put the garbage can in the fridge so that the temperature will be below the ignition temperature and therefore put itself out!"
The chemist replies "No, we must cover the garbage can so that the fire consumes all of the oxygen and, in the absence of reactants, can no longer continue!"
Meanwhile, the two turn around to find that the statistician is running around the room setting everything else on fire. "What the hell are you doing??"
"Getting a proper sample size!"

<<<<< 

I just melted an ice cube by staring at it. Took a bit longer than I thought it would, though.

>>> 

Even though I no longer smoke pot, but I like hanging out with friends who do.  They always have the best snacks.

 ^^^^

Caveman discovers weed.

Caveman discovers fire.

Stone Age begins.

========

While driving in Pennsylvania, a family caught up to an Amish carriage. The owner of the carriage obviously had a sense of humor, because attached to the back of the carriage was a hand printed sign: "Energy efficient vehicle: Runs on oats and grass. Caution: Do not step in exhaust."

++++

When I got home, I realized I'd accidentally bought a thesaurus. As you can understand, I was pretty crushed... upset... disappointed... vexed... disconcerted.

…..

How did the hipster burn his mouth? He ate his pizza before it was cool.

***

A product manager walks into the bar and asks for a drink. The bartender says, “Sorry, no drinks, but we'll consider adding them later.”

A profound observation on organizations

An organization is like a tree full of monkeys, all on different limbs at different levels.

The monkeys on top look down and see a tree full of smiling faces. The monkeys on the bottom look up and see nothing but assholes.

And in conclusion:

Somebody has said there are only two kinds of people in the world. There are those who wake up in the morning and say, "Good morning, Lord," and there are those who wake up in the morning and say, "Good Lord, it's morning."

 

 

Another War JOW #1131

I did my jokes last week about the Russo-Ukrainian war.  This week my theme is about another, longer war: the battle of the sexes.  This has been a rich source of jokes for me for years; it is time to revisit some of them.

Some gender differences:

Women speak in estrogen and men listen in testosterone

Women love cats. Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats.

Men are like Bluetooth.  They connect to you when you are nearby but searches to other devices when you are away.

Women are like Wi-Fi.  She sees all available devices but connects to the strongest one.

====

Women have to deal with menstruation, pregnancy, childbirth, breastfeeding, menopause, hot-flashes, etc.

Men have to deal with women.

I call it a tie.

Some first person gender war jokes.

My wife came out from the other room and asked if I had just gotten a stabbing pain in my chest like someone had a voodoo doll of me and was sticking pins in it.

I replied ‘no’.

A moment later she asked, ‘How about now?’ 

 

I was in my local pub last night enjoying a nice cold pint of beer, when this butt ugly fat bird came up to me and slapped me in the back, and said how about giving me your number handsome
I looked at her and asked Do you have a pen?

Sure! She said.
So I said, Well you better get back in it before the farmer notices you're missing!
My dental surgery is this Friday.

 

I called my girlfriends cell phone and some other guy answered the phone...

He told me that my phone number was no longer in service and to call the phone company to pay my bill.
First she cheats on me and then she tells him about my financial troubles!

 

I've been trying to hide my erectile dysfunction from my girlfriend...

But I just don't think I can keep it up for much longer.

 

My wife sorted out some clothes she no longer wears, I said what are you going to do with them? She replied give them to charity, I said why don't you just throw them away, she replied, there are a lot of starving women out there that will appreciate them.
I replied, anyone that fits into your clothes are definitely not starving.

 

I once dated a woman that had one leg longer than the other.

Her name was Eileen

She had a Japanese friend with the same condition.

Her name was Irene

~~~~

A man walks into a bar sits down, orders a beer, and begins to gaze longingly at the barmaid. The barmaid hands him the beer, returns the stare and says...
"Take a pitcher, it'll last longer."

<<< 

He asked why the house wasn’t clean since she was home all day.

She then asked him why they weren’t rich since he works all day.

>>> 

A golfer stands over his tee shot for what seems an eternity to his partner. He looks up, looks down, measures the distance and figures the wind direction and speed. The longer he takes, the more his partner fidgets.

Finally his exasperated partner says, "What's taking so long? Hit the blasted ball!"

The guy answers, "My wife is up there watching me from the clubhouse. I want to make this a perfect shot."

"Forget it, man," the partner says. "You'll never hit her from here."

>>> 

A woman standing in front of a mirror and telling her husband: "I am fat, old, wrinkled and no longer pretty. But will you still give me a compliment?
The husband replies: "Your eyesight is still excellent".

^^^^

A woman went to see a tarot reader woman to predict her future.  The fortune teller looked and the cards and said, “I’m sorry to inform you that your husband will die in the near future.”

Don’t tell me things that I already know, tell me if there will be an investigation.”

=====

Two American tourists, a man and his wife, are traveling in the Middle East. An Arab approaches the husband, saying, “I’ll give you 100 camels for your woman.”

After a long silence, the husband says, “She’s not for sale.”

The indignant wife says, “What took you so long to answer?”

The husband replied, “I was trying to figure out how to get 100 camels back home.”

++++

After a tiring day, a commuter settled down in her seat and closed her eyes.

As the train rolled out of the station, the guy sitting next to her pulled out his cell phone and started talking in a loud voice: "Hi sweetheart. It's Eric. I'm on the train".
"Yes, I know it's the 6:30 and not the 4:30, but I had a long meeting". "No, honey, not with that blonde from the accounts office. It was with the boss".
"No sweetheart, you're the only one in my life".
"Yes, I'm sure, cross my heart"
Fifteen minutes later, he was still yammering loudly.
When the young woman sitting next to him had enough, she leaned over and said into the phone,
"Eric, hang up the phone and come back to bed."
Eric doesn't use his cell phone in public any longer.

 

I am tired of keeping track of so many pronouns.

Apparently now they have specific pronouns for Russian army....

was/were

 

I only use one pronoun set.

You/people don't seem to appreciate it

 

What pronouns does a chocolate bar use?

Her/she’s

 

What are the pronouns for someone who identifies as an attack helicopter?

Apache/Apachim

 

What are Snoop Dogg's pronouns?

Hizzle/shizzle.

 

If Michael Jackson were alive today, what would his pronouns be?

Hee/Hee

 

I'm coming out as binary.

My pronouns are 00110101 and 10100110.

 

Hi, I'm an identity thief.
My pronouns are you/yours.

 

And finally something off topic

Mary Poppins will no longer be endorsing ‘Rimmel Vibrant Shades’ lipstick - she claims it “breaks too easily” and it “makes her breath smell”.

She gave the following statement:
“The super color fragile lipstick gives me halitosis”..