Soggy JOW #997

Tropical Storm Imelda gave the greater Houston area quite a dousing last week.  Sort of a more localized version of Hurricane Harvey.  Since The Woodlands has excellent drainage, all we did was sit inside and watch the TV while it rained.  Of course Houston, being flat and overbuilt, floods all the time, and we did get a lot of rain.  There for a while, though we thought Noah’s boat building crew was going to have to put in some serious overtime.

Of note, there are only three more JOWs until I reach JOW #1000!  That’s about 20 year’s worth.

Meanwhile here are some flood-related bits of humor.

The pros and cons of living in a flood plain...

Pro - Fishing from a couch right in your living room.
Con - Your couch doesn't float.

Pro - The trip to the river just got shorter.
Con - Now you can't get away from it.

Pro - Driving boats through the neighbors’ yards is cool.
Con - Dodging bullets for making waves in their kitchens.

Pro - Great time to wash your house's siding.
Con - Ring around the house.

Pro - Water-skiing in the street.
Con - Fire hydrants are like land mines right under the surface.

Pro - Swim anywhere on hot days.
Con - Floating ‘logs’. Toilets can't flush and it's gotta go somewhere.

Pro - Sun-tanning on the roof is cool.
Con – Sleeping up there sucks like an Electrolux.

Pro - Great way to meet new neighbors.
Con - Their junk keeps floating into your bedroom.

Pro - Washing dishes just got easier.
Con - All the grub is under water, too.

Pro - Good time to clean the gutters.
Con - Nothing else to do till the boat comes back.

Pro - Practice your diving skills.
Con - Breaking your neck on the top of the porch roof.

Pro - You can finally reach those dead branches.
Con - Gotta swim after the chain saw that's floating away.

Pro - You can finally slam dunk.
Con - You have to dive to the basket.

All the natural disasters took a vote to see which one was the worst.
* Hurricane tried to blow the others away.
* Earthquake shook things up pretty badly.
* Flooding was a bit of a wash.

* Mudslide let it slip away
* Blizzard almost buried the rest.
* Sinkhole's campaign totally collapsed.
* Meteor made a deep impact.
In the end, Avalanche won by a landslide.

A catastrophic math joke

After the great flood, Noah begins unloading the ark, and instructs the animals to "go forth and multiply!"

Once most of the exodus has completed, he noticed a pair of adders in the back looking rather distraught. "What's the matter?" he asked them.
"We're only adders, we can't multiply!" said the snakes.
Thinking quickly, Noah dashed off into the forest, and returned a short time later carrying a felled tree over his shoulder. After flattening the sides, he placed it on the ground next to the adders, and said "Here's a log table, now even adders can multiply."

================

Why do you have to act quickly during a flood?

Because it's an emergent sea.

A reporter in Houston asked a woman how many churches were open during the flood

She said; "I don't know; we prefer to eat at Popeye’s."

Anheuser Busch is using a Georgia brewery to can fresh water for flood victims in Texas.

They're labeling very clearly so people don't confuse it with Bud Light

A new study proves that beavers cause extensive flooding

I've read it. The evidence against them is damning.

Reports of terrible flooding in Pakistan

Authorities fear it was the work of a suicide plumber

---------------------------------

A woman and her neighbor are on her roof in Houston waiting for rescue

While they're waiting, the neighbor notices a baseball cap floating through the flood waters. Suddenly, to her surprise, the baseball cap turns around and starts floating the other way. After going some ways, it turns around and floats back again. She observes this going on for some time, back and forth in a pattern, until she decides to point it out.
"Do you see that baseball cap? Isn't that the strangest thing you've ever seen?"
"Oh, that?" replies the woman. "That's my husband. I told him he's mowing the lawn today come hell or high water."

^^^^^^^^^^^

A man is interviewed after his wife was swept away in a flood. The reporter asks "Were you close with your wife?" He responds, "No, we drifted apart recently."

++++++++++++++

A couple of guys were rescued from the flood hanging onto a case of A & Root beer.  When asked why they chose that as a makeshift raft the men shrugged and said, “Root beer floats.”

And finally, a leftover dog joke from last week.
God was relieving St. Peter at the Pearly Gates one day when 2 dogs and a cat arrived.
God said to the first dog, a Labrador, "Why should I allow you into heaven?"
The dog replied "I believe I should come in because I was a loyal dog to my master. I drowned after I had saved his baby son in a flood"
"Excellent" replied God, "You can now enter"
"And why should you be allowed into heaven" God asked the second dog.
"I believe I should get in I was a police dog and died in the line of duty protecting civilians during a hostage siege"
"You most certainly have earned entry to heaven" said God.
God then turned to the cat and asked "Why should you be allowed into heaven"
The cat replied "I believe you're sitting in my chair"

Dogs and Cats JOW #996

We are on a new diet.  It includes gluten-free beef and grass fed asparagus, all organic.  The word ‘organic’ comes from the Greek root ‘organous’ which means ‘overpriced.’  All this meat we are eating got me thinking about carnivores, which led to canids, which led to dogs in general and then dogs versus cats.  This led to my jokes this week.  See how my mind works? So here are some dog and cat jokes.

Dogs have masters.

Cats have staff

Luke Skywalker is a dog person

Han Solo is a cat person

The difference between dog people and cat people:

Dog people wish their dogs were people. 

Cat people wish they were cats

Dog people hate cats.

Cat people hate people.

Cat person: Dogs are so disgusting.

Dog person: No they’re not!  Cats are disgusting.

Cat person: Yeah….

Dog people to each other:  “Your dog is amazing.”  “No, YOUR dog is amazing.”

Cat people to each other: “My cat is amazing.”  “No MY cat is amazing.”

Dog person: Oh, don’t worry, he’s friendly.  He is just a big softy that loves people.

Cat person: My cat is a monster.  Don’t make eye contact or do anything to upset him.  He will attack you and then laugh about it.

Dog people: I like having a loyal friend meet me when I come home.

Cat people: I like being ignored and cleaning up their messes.

Dog people: My dog is like my child

Cat people: my cat is like a fully grown adult who moves in and is now somehow in charge of the house.

Dog person: Dogs are so good and loyal.

Cat person: CATS HAVE BEEN OPPRESSED SINCE THE BLACK DEATH, AND DON’T THINK I DON’T SEE YOUR ANTI-CAT AGENDA.            

Dog people: you can trust a dog.

Cat people: you can chill with a cat.

Village people: you can get yourself clean, you can have a good meal, you can do whatever you feel.

I find it strange we have hundreds of dog breeds; even mixed breeds like Labradoodle or Shepard mix.  If you ask someone what type of cat they have they will say something like “a gray one.”

Cats and dogs think differently

Dogs think, “Wow, my owner feeds me, pets me, and gives me a nice place to stay.  They must be gods.”

Cats think, “Wow, they feed me, pet me, and gives me a nice place to stay.  I must be a god.”

Dogs think, “Hooray!  My master’s home.  I must welcome him.”

Cats think, “You are late, slave.”

If you are drowning your dog will think, ‘I must go to the neighbors to get help for my person.

If you are drowning your cat will think, ‘I must go to the neighbors to see if they will adopt me.

The Dog’s Diary

8:00 am - Dog food! My favorite thing!
9:30 am - A car ride! My favorite thing!
9:40 am - A walk in the park! My favorite thing!
10:30 am - Got rubbed and petted! My favorite thing!
12:00 pm - Milk bones! My favorite thing!
1:00 pm - Played in the yard! My favorite thing!
7:00 pm - Got to play ball! My favorite thing!
8:00 pm - Wow! Watched TV with the people! My favorite thing!
10:00 pm - Sleeping on the bed! My favorite thing!

The Cat’s Diary

Day 983 of My Captivity

My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am fed hash or some sort of dry nuggets. Although I make my contempt for the rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in order to keep up my strength.

The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape. In an attempt to disgust them, I once again vomit on the carpet. Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet. I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly demonstrates my capabilities. However, they merely made condescending comments about what a “good little hunter” I am. Bastards!

There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event. However, I could hear the noises and smell the food. I overheard that my confinement was due to the power of “allergies.” I must learn what this means, and how to use it to my advantage.

Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must try this again tomorrow, but at the top of the stairs.

I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches. The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released, and seems to be more than willing to return. He is obviously retarded. The bird must be an informant. I observe him communicate with the guards regularly. I am certain that he reports my every move. My captors have arranged protective custody for him in an elevated cell, so he is safe. For now ...

What is a Cat?
1. Cats do what they want.
2. They rarely listen to you.
3. They are totally unpredictable.
4. When you want to play, they want to be alone.
5. When you want to be alone, they want to play.
6. They expect you to cater to their every whim.
7 They are moody.
8. They leave hair everywhere.

CONCLUSION: They are tiny little women in fur coats.

What is a Dog?
1. Dog's spend all day sprawled on the most comfortable piece of furniture in the house.
2. They can hear a package of food opening half a block away, but don't hear you when you're in the same room.
3. They can look dumb and lovable all at the same time.
4. They growl when they are not happy.
5. When you want to play, they want to play.
6. When you want to be alone, they want to play.
7. They leave their toys everywhere.
8. They do disgusting things with their mouths and then try to give you a kiss.
9. They go right for the crotch as soon as they meet you.

CONCLUSION: They are tiny little men in hairy coats

One final animal joke

A duck was about to cross the road when a chicken came running up and said... don't do it man ... you will never here the end of it..

Tardy JOW #995

Normally, I prefer to send out my jokes of the week sooner than Friday.  This week I am a bit late or as we should say in these sensitive times, ‘chronologically challenged’.  But that got me thinking about being late which inevitably led to ‘late jokes.’

~~~~~

Mark had a problem of getting up late in the morning and he was always late for work.  After a few weeks of this, Mr. Johnson, his boss, called him in and threatened to fire him if he didn't do something about it.

So Mark went to his doctor, who gave him a pill and told him to take it before he went to bed. He got a great night's sleep and actually beat the alarm in the morning. After a leisurely breakfast, he cheerfully drove to work arriving ten minutes early.

"Mr. Johnson," he said, "The pill my doctor subscribed me actually worked!  I am on time this morning."
"That's all fine," said his boss, "But where were you yesterday?"

----------------

“I’m terribly sorry officer” The man said, “I was just trying to make it to a meeting on time.”

“That’s a shame” the officer said upon handing him his ticket, “what time is the meeting called for?” “Three o’clock,” the motorist said.

The officer looked at his watch, “You could probably still make it if you step on it.”

Some “Timely” poems.

How did it get so late so soon?

It's night before it's afternoon.

December is here before it's June.

My goodness how the time has flewn.

How did it get so late so soon?”
― Dr. Seuss

“It ought to be plain how little you gain
by getting excited and vexed.
You'll always be late for the previous train,
and always on time for the next.”
― Piet Hein

Late has no gate
It may become
A wrinkle
Upon one's fate
Be on time
For success
It is its rhyme
As a result,
It will be great
No burden of a wait.”
― Ehsan Sehgal

And a related quote.

“I have noticed that the people who are late are often so much jollier than the people who have to wait for them.”
― E. V. Lucas

After waiting more than an hour and a half for her date, Melissa decided she had been stood up. She changed from her best dinner dress into her pajamas and slippers, fixed herself snack and resigned herself to an evening of TV.

No sooner had she flopped down in front of the TV than her doorbell rang. There stood her date.

He took one look at her and gasped, "I'm two hours late ... and you're still not ready?"

Other unrelated jokes

One morning he was drifting about ten miles offshore the man got a call on his cell phone from a business customer. Suddenly his rod bent double, and the reel screamed as line poured off the spool.

The man was master of the situation. "Pardon me," he told his customer calmly. "I have a call on another line."

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

A woman cut in line in front of me in the grocery store.  I was going to say something but then I saw she was buying Midol, tampons, chocolate, and red wine.  I let her go ahead without a word.

```````````````````

It is hard to know what it in the future.  People keep asking me what I think will happen in next year’s elections.  Come on people – do I look like I have 2020 vision? 

I do wonder what it would be like if you could go back to the past.  If you could, what would be the most difficult thing to explain to people from that time?   Probably that we all possess a device that allows us to communicate with anyone anywhere, and is capable of accessing all the information in the known world.  And that it is mostly used to circulate cat videos and argue with strangers.

Random thoughts

·         Employment application blanks always ask who is to be called in case of an emergency. I think you should write, "An ambulance.” 

·         The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement. 

·         Wouldn't you know it!  Brain cells come and brain cells go, but FAT cells live forever.

·         The sole purpose of a child's middle name is so he/she can tell when they are really in trouble. 

·         Did you ever notice that when you put the 2 words "The" and "IRS" together it spells "Theirs?" 

Two from Ruth:
What do you call a cow that just had a calf?  DeCalfinated

What do you call a camel with no hump?  Humphrey

A good and useful word:

Hippopotomonstrosesquippedaliophobia - Fear of long words.

Bill sent me this final joke:

Yossel Zelkovitz worked in a Jewish pickle factory. For many years he had a powerful desire to put his penis in the pickle slicer. Unable to stand it any longer, he sought professional help from the factory psychologist..

After six months, the therapist gave up. He advised Yosselto go ahead and do it or he would probably never have any peace of mind.

The next day he came home from work very early. His wife, Sacha, became alarmed and wanted to know what had happened. Yossel tearfully confessed his tormenting desire to put his penis in the pickle slicer. He went on to explain that today he finally went ahead and did it, and he was immediately fired.

Sacha gasped and ran over to her husband. She quickly yanked down his pants and shorts only to find a normal, completely intact penis. She looked up and said, "I don't understand. What about the pickle slicer?"

Yossel replied, "I think she got fired, too."

Another old JOW #992

I was thinking about old age and decided that old age is when you still have something on the ball, but you are just too tired to bounce it.

Some thoughts on aging provided by Bill:

I remember being able to get up without making sound effects…. Good times.

Age gets better with wine

Think old and you will be old.  Think young and you are delusional.

When I was a kid I wanted to be older.  This 3hit is not what I expected.

If you want to get a ‘smoking hot body’ just come to Texas this time of year and walk out to your car in the afternoon.

Aging: Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it. 

You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks. 

You know you are old when you get upset when they rearrange the things in the grocery store.

The older you get the tougher it is to lose weight because by then your body and your fat have gotten to be really good friends. 

Did you ever notice: The Roman Numerals for forty (40) are XL. 

Some people try to turn back their "odometers." Not me. I want people to know why I look this way. I've traveled a long way and a lot of the roads were not paved.   Life is not a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well preserved body…but rather to skid in broadside, totally worn out, and loudly proclaiming, 

"WOW - WHAT A RIDE!"

Be careful of old men.  We can’t outfight you, and we can’t outrun you, so we will just have to kill you.  And the older we get, the less ‘life in prison’ is a deterrent.

Out wants and needs change as we age

Then                                        Now

Long hair                                 longing for hair
KEG                                          EKG

Acid Rock                                Acid Reflux

Seeds & stems                         Fiber

Rolling Stones                         Kidney Stones (also still Rolling Stones, too)

Whatever                                Depends

Disco                                       Costco

Hoping for a BMW                  Hoping for a BM

Going to a new, hip joint        Getting a new hip joint

I bought a new pair of shoes with memory foam inserts.  No more forgetting why I walked into the kitchen.

An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen. The two gentlemen were walking, and one said,

"Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly." The other man said, "What is the name of the restaurant?"

The first man thought and thought and finally said, "What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love? You know... the one that's red and has thorns." "Do you mean a rose?" "Yes, that's the one," replied the man.

He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, "Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?"

Julie Andrews has publically stated that she will no longer endorse cheap brightly colored lip gloss products as they tend to crumble too easily and also give her bad breath.   Or to put it in song: ‘Super fragile color lipsticks give me halitosis.’  

Quizzical JOW #994

A few years ago my friend Tor and I sailed into the little town of Marsh Harbour in the Bahamas on his old sailboat, Silverheels.  I have been watching coverage of Hurricane Dorito (or whatever its nomenclature is) and apparently Marsh Harbour took a heavy hit.  I remember that the island was not very wide and had virtually no elevation.  I guess there is not much left of it now.  Of course, watching this hurricane is a little bit like being stalked by a turtle – not much movement.  The news organizations don’t quite know what to do with a story that lasts more than a day or two and doesn’t involve Mueller.

They attempt to outdo each other with hyperbole and hysteria in an effort to get you to watch.  But, of course they have the attention of a mayfly and must quickly move to the next “Breaking News!”

Enough of my rant.  My JOW this week consists of puzzles, riddles, and quizzes.  After 994 weeks of jokes I thought it might be time for a change of pace.  I will start with some questions Tor sent me.  Try to guess the answers before looking down.

Tor’s Questions

1. Name the one sport in which neither the spectators nor the participants know the score or the leader until the contest ends.

2. What famous North American landmark is constantly moving backward?

3. Of all vegetables, only two can live to produce on their own for several growing seasons. All other vegetables must be replanted every year. What are the only two perennial vegetables?

4. What fruit has its seeds on the outside?

5. In some liquor stores, you can buy pear brandy, with a real pear inside the bottle. The pear is whole and ripe, and the bottle is genuine; it hasn't been cut in any way. How did the pear get inside the bottle?

6. Only three words in Standard English begin with the letters “dw” and they are all common words. Name two of them.

7. There are 14 punctuation marks in English grammar. Can you name at least half of them?

8. Name the only vegetable or fruit that is never sold frozen, canned, processed, cooked, or in any other form except fresh.

9. Name 6 or more things that you can wear on your feet beginning with the letter 'S.'

The Answers

1. The one sport in which neither the spectators nor the participants know the score or the leader until the contest ends: Boxing

2. North American landmark constantly moving backward: Niagara Falls. The rim is worn down about two and a half feet each year because of the millions of gallons of water that rush over it every minute.

3. Only two vegetables that can live to produce on their own for several growing seasons: Asparagus and rhubarb

4. The fruit with its seeds on the outside: Strawberry

5. How did the pear get inside the brandy bottle? It grew inside the bottle. The bottles are placed over pear buds when they are small, and are wired in place on the tree. The bottle is left in place for the entire growing season. When the pears are ripe, they are snipped off at the stems.

6. Three English words beginning with “dw”: Dwarf, dwell and dwindle

7. Fourteen punctuation marks in English grammar: Period, comma, colon, semicolon, dash, hyphen, apostrophe, question mark, exclamation point, quotation mark, brackets, parenthesis, braces, and ellipses

8. The only vegetable or fruit never sold frozen, canned, processed, cooked, or in any other form but fresh: Lettuce

9. Six or more things you can wear on your feet beginning with 'S': Shoes, socks, sandals, sneakers, slippers, skis, skates, snowshoes, stockings, stilts

Here are some more silly questions

1) How long did the Hundred Years' War last?

2) Which country makes Panama hats?
3) From which animal do we get cat gut?
4) In which month do Russians celebrate the October Revolution?
5) What is a camel's hair brush made of?

6) The Canary Islands in the Pacific are named after what animal?
7) What was King George VI's first name?
8) What color is a purple finch?
9) Where are Chinese gooseberries from?
10) What is the color of the black box in a commercial airplane?
11) Who is buried in Grant’s tomb?

ANSWERS TO THE QUIZ

1) How long did the Hundred Years War last? 116 years

2) Which country makes Panama hats? Ecuador

3) From which animal do we get cat gut? Sheep and Horses

4) In which month do Russians celebrate the October Revolution? November

5) What is a camel's hair brush made of? Squirrel fur

6) The Canary Islands in the Pacific are named after what animal? Dogs

7) What was King George VI's first name? Albert

8) What color is a purple finch? Crimson

9) Where are Chinese gooseberries from? New Zealand

10) What is the color of the black box in a commercial airplane?
Orange (of course)

11. The correct answer is "no one," since Grant and his wife are entombed in sarcophagi above ground in an atrium rather than being buried in the ground.

Some Riddles
You find me in December, but not in any other month. What am I?

I weigh nothing, but you can still see me. If you put me in a bucket, I make the bucket lighter. What am I?

What goes up and down, but always remains in the same place?

And the answers

The letter D

A hole

He is washing windows inside the building

Stairs

A few puzzles:

1.       A man is washing windows on the 25th floor of an apartment building. Suddenly, he slips and falls. He has nothing to cushion his fall, and no safety equipment—but he doesn’t get hurt. How is this possible?

2.       Who is bigger, Mr. Bigger, Mrs. Bigger, or their baby?

3.       Some months have 31 days, others have 30 days, but how many have 28 days?

4.       Is it legal for a man to marry his widow’s sister?

5.       What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is all the time? 

6.       What happens if you throw a white hat into the Black Sea? 

7.       If there are 12 fish and half of them drown, how many are there?

8.       How much dirt is there in a hole three feet deep, six ft long and four ft wide?

9.       A dark man dressed in all black is walking down a country lane. Suddenly, a large black car with no lights on comes around the corner and screeches to a halt. How did the car’s driver know he was there?

10.   Tom’s height is six feet, he’s an assistant at a butcher’s shop, and wears size 9 shoes. What does he weigh?

11.   Imagine you are alone in a sinking rowboat, far at sea, surrounded by sharks. How would you survive?

And the puzzling answers

1.       He is washing windows inside the building

2.       The baby, since he is a little Bigger

3.       All of them

4.       No, but since he is dead it would be hard to do so.

5.       A widow

6.       It gets wet.

7.       Twelve, fish don’t drown

8.       None, or else it wouldn’t be a hole.

9.       It was daylight.

10.   Meat

11.   Stop imagining!

Finally, a small pathetic joke.

I am not superstitious.   I am just a little stitious.