Sometimes it is hard to find a theme
for my Joke of the Week. Not this week –
I have an embarrassment of riches. It is
that magical sports time when you can watch baseball (well you could until the
Detroit Tigers folded), football, preseason basketball, and if it weren’t for
the strike, hockey.
And of course there is an election going on; I
just voted, not because I think it will make a difference but because it is my
civic duty. Elections always provide a
rich source of humor, usually unintentionally.
Then there is a storm approaching New York
City so we have lots of the traditional views of TV reporters standing out in
the storm telling us not to stand in the wind and rain. (I don’t know about you but my mother taught
me to come in out of the rain.) The poor
reporters on live shots that do not have any bad weather going on right at
their location when they go on are forced to extemporize – “We may be having
rain – yes, there are definitely umbrellas showing now…” I know this is a very large storm that will
do great damage and will certainly cause deaths but still I find the TV anchors
all trying to ‘out-hyperbole’ each another to be annoying. “This is the Storm of the Apocalypse!” “This is the largest storm in history!” Whatever happened to calm and measured
broadcast journalism?
Instead, I think I will focus on an older
issue: social security. Many of my
friends from my college days are now past the magic age of 62 when they become
eligible for Social Security. David,
Janet, Dick, even Andy have all been submerged by that momentous age when they
can legally become leeches upon the State.
Fortunately, I am not that
old yet.
First, here are a couple of kid jokes:
Q:
Why did Cinderella do so badly at the game?
A:
Because she ran away from the ball; then her coach turned into a pumpkin.
++++++++++++++++++++++
When
it reached it, the little turtle began to climb, carefully and slowly. Reaching
the first branch, it carefully walked along it for a way, and then turned so it
could look at the ground.
Taking
a deep breath, it jumped off, landing on the ground with a plop. A few minutes
later it picked itself up, shook its head to clear it, and began the journey
once again.
Two
birds sitting higher up in the tree were looking in amazement at the little
turtle all this time until one turned to the other and said sadly, "You
know, we're going to have to tell him he's adopted."
A retirement joke:
He
spent the first few weeks of his retirement in peace and contentment. Then a
new school year began. The very next afternoon three young boys, full of
youthful, after-school enthusiasm, came down his street, beating merrily on
every trash can they encountered. The crashing percussion continued day after
day, until finally the wise old man decided it was time to take some action.
The
next afternoon, he walked out to meet the young percussionists as they banged
their way down the street. Stopping them, he said, "You kids are a lot of
fun. I like to see you express your exuberance like that. In fact, I used to do
the same thing when I was your age. Will you do me a favor? I'll give you each
a dollar if you'll promise to come around every day and do your thing."
The kids were elated and continued to do a bang-up job on the trash cans.
After
a few days, the old-timer greeted the kids again, but this time he had a sad
smile on his face.
"This
recession's really putting a big dent in my income," he told them.
"From now on, I'll only be able to pay you 50 cents to beat on the
cans."
The
noisemakers were obviously displeased, but they did accept his offer and
continued their afternoon ruckus. A few days later, the wily retiree approached
them again as they drummed their way down the street.
"Look,"
he said, "I haven't received my Social Security check yet, so I'm not
going to be able to give you more than 25 cents. Will that be okay?"
"A
lousy quarter?" the drum leader exclaimed. "If you think we're going
to waste our time, beating these cans around for a quarter, you're nuts! No
way, mister. We quit!"
And
the old man enjoyed peace.
……………………………………………..
A retired gentleman went to the social security office to apply for
Social Security.
The woman behind the counter asked him for his driver's license to verify his age. He looked in his pockets and realized he had left his wallet at home. He told the woman that he was very sorry but he seemed to have left his wallet at home. "I will have to go home and come back later." The woman says, "Unbutton your shirt." So he opens his shirt revealing curly silver hair. She says, "That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me" and she processed his Social Security application.
When he gets home, the man excitedly tells his wife about his experience at the social security office. She says, "You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability too."
The woman behind the counter asked him for his driver's license to verify his age. He looked in his pockets and realized he had left his wallet at home. He told the woman that he was very sorry but he seemed to have left his wallet at home. "I will have to go home and come back later." The woman says, "Unbutton your shirt." So he opens his shirt revealing curly silver hair. She says, "That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me" and she processed his Social Security application.
When he gets home, the man excitedly tells his wife about his experience at the social security office. She says, "You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability too."
--------------------------
Two guys are sitting in a bar. One looks over at the other and asks how
his sex life is going. The second guy looks at him blankly for a moment and replies,
“I’m having social security sex."
His buddy looked puzzled for a minute then finally asks "What the
hell is social security sex?"
"I get a little every month but it’s not enough to live on."
=================
When
Bernie Madoff was asked where he got the idea of paying early investors with
money from late investors he had a two word answer: “Social Security.”
And finally just something I want to get off my chest
We
have all been hearing about how Social Security is going to go bankrupt. ‘Sure, it's doing great NOW, some say.
But just wait until the baby boomers retire!’ All these claims are based on projections made
by the Social Security Administration. By law, the SSA must project SSA's finances
75 years into the future. This has meant, for reasons too mathematical to go
into, that Social Security has always shown a shortfall at some point in
their projections; often, a much larger shortfall. Yet somehow, it's never
happened. No one has ever missed a Social Security check. EVER. Yet we still hear people wanting to invest
the money themselves. (They would have
probably invested their life savings with Bernie Madoff.)
In
1996, the SSA predicted a shortfall (ie, "Trust fund depletion date")
in 2029. Yet with each succeeding report, the shortfall moved further into the
future. In the 2004 report, the shortfall is predicted for 2042.
Moving
eight years into the future moved the shortfall thirteen years into the
future. Thus I have calculated that as every year passes, the shortfall will
move 1.65 years into the future. Therefore, 100-year projections show that in
2104, the shortfall will be predicted for 2207. (2207 equals 2042 plus 165.)
Politicians of 2104 will probably talk constantly
about the "looming Social Security crisis" of 2207 and their plans to
"save" it.
13/8=1.65
2042-2004=38
75-38=37
37/.65=56.9
2004+56.9=2060.9
2042-2004=38
75-38=37
37/.65=56.9
2004+56.9=2060.9
Of
course, I don’t really care if Social Security checks are late in 2207. I am sure all my friends who are old enough
to qualify won’t mind a bit.
