The American mid-summer
holiday is here, celebrated by food, flags, and fireworks. I suppose the 4th of July is a classic
American holiday: it provides us with the excuse to eat too much food, drink
too much beer, and set off explosives.
Of note, John Hancock was the
only person to actually sign the Declaration of Independence on July 4th, 1776.
The other signers did not sign it until August 2nd, 1776 or even later, so I
would be justified in sending out July Fourth humor after the Fourth of the month,
but what the heck, here are a few topical bits in advance.
Joe: My brother swallowed a box of firecrackers.
Moe: Is he all right now?
Joe: I don’t know. I haven’t heard the last report.
Moe: Is he all right now?
Joe: I don’t know. I haven’t heard the last report.
#############
Father William, the old
priest, made it a practice to visit the parish school one day a week. He walked
into the 4th grade class, where the children were studying the states, and
asked them how many states they could name. They came up with about 40
names. Father William jokingly told them that in his day students knew
the names of all the states.
One lad raised his hand
and said, 'Yes sir, but in those days there were a lot fewer states.
A Tom Swifty
“Don’t light those fireworks!” Tom exploded.
“Don’t light those fireworks!” Tom exploded.
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
“The Star- Spangled
Banner” was not written by Jose Kanusee.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The Fourth of July
weekend was approaching, and Miss Pelham, the nursery school teacher, took the
opportunity to tell her class about patriotism. 'We live in a great country,'
she announced. 'One of the things we should be happy is that, in this country,
we are all free.'
Trevor, who was a
little boy in her class, came walking up to her from the back of the room. He
stood with his hands on his hips and said loudly, 'I'm not free. I'm
four.'
**********
I get a few jokes sent to
me from time to time; sort of revenge I guess.
I am forwarding a few of them to you.
I hope everyone has a wonderful
Fourth of July.
Dick sent me many of
these.
You can tell a lot from a
woman’s mood from her hands. For
example, if she has a gun in those hands and is pointing it at you she is
probably angry.
If the Russian President
was to step up onto a case of golden round crackers would that be “Putin on the
Ritz”?
If someone hates you for no
reason, give that asshole a reason to hate you.
Some people are not stupid,
they just have bad luck when they try to think.
I am not saying we should
kill all the stupid people. We should
just remove all the warning labels and let things sort themselves out.
I have got to quite saying
‘How stupid are you.’ Too many people
are taking it as a challenge.
People who claim there is no
such thing as a stupid question have never worked at a help desk.
I am sorry if I hurt your
feelings when I called you stupid. I
thought you already knew.
This one is from Tom
A big earthquake with the
strength of 8.1 on the Richter scale hit the Middle East killing two million Muslims. The countries there are totally ruined, and
the governments don't know where to start to help.
The world is quick to
respond.
The USA is sending troops to
help.
Saudi Arabia is sending
oil.
Latin American countries are
sending supplies.
New Zealand is sending
sheep.
The Asian continent countries
are sending vast numbers unskilled labor to assist.
Canada is sending
medical teams and supplies.
The British, not to be
outdone, has offered two million replacement Muslims.
+++++++++++++
From Keith
QUOTES SAID TO BE FROM
ACTUAL FEDERAL EMPLOYEE PERFORMANCE EVALUATIONS:
1. "Since my last
report, this employee has reached rock bottom and has started to dig."
2. "His men would
follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid curiosity."
3. "I would not allow
this employee to breed."
4. "This employee is
really not so much of a has-been, but more of a definite won't be."
5. "Works well when
under constant supervision and when cornered like a rat in a trap."
6. "When she opens her mouth, it seems that it is only to change
feet."
7.
"He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle."
8.
"This young lady has delusions of adequacy."
9.
"He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve
them."
10.
"This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot."
11.
"This employee should go far, and the sooner he starts, the better."
12.
"Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thing to hold it all
together."
13.
"A gross ignoramus -- 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus."
14.
"He certainly takes a long time to make his pointless."
15.
"He doesn't have ulcers, but he's a carrier."
16.
"I would like to go hunting with him sometime."
17.
"He's been working with glue too much."
18.
"He would argue with a signpost."
19.
"He has a knack for making strangers immediately."
20.
"He brings joy whenever he leaves the room."
21.
"When his IQ reaches 50, he should sell."
22.
"If you see two people talking and one looks bored, he's the other
one."
23.
"A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on."
24.
"A prime candidate for natural de-selection."
25.
"Donated his brain to science before he was done using it."
26.
"Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't
coming."
27.
"Has two brains: one is lost and the other is out looking for it."
28.
"If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week."
29.
"If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you'd get change."
30.
"If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean."
31.
"It's hard to believe that he beat out 1,000,000 other sperm."
32.
"One neuron short of a synapse."
33.
"Some drink from the fountain of knowledge; he only gargled."
34.
"Takes him 2 hours to watch 60 minutes."
And finally some more of Keith’s last minute puns.
§ This girl said she recognized me from the
vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore.
§ I
didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.
§ A
cross-eyed teacher lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils.
§ When
you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.
§ What
does a clock do when it's
hungry? It goes back four seconds.
§ England
has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.
§ I
used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.
§ I
dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.
§ Velcro
- what a rip off!
§ Cartoonist
found dead in home. Details are sketchy.
