I am returning to a familiar theme this week, the elderly. I can relate. If my body were a car, I would trade it for a newer model. Every time I cough, sputter, or sneeze, my radiator leaks and my exhaust backfires. As a ‘special treat’ I am also including a section on everyone’s favorite insect the dung beetle. I hope these give you some amusement.
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There are four stages
of old age:
You forget
names. Then you forget faces. Next, you forget to zip up. And
finally, you forget to zip down.
I changed my password to ‘incorrect’. That way if I forget my password the computer
will remind me – “Your password is incorrect.”
Pastry chefs know that old
age crepes up on you.
“This is your great-grandma
and great grandpa,” the old man told his grandson as he handed him a photo of his parents. “Do you think I look like them?”
He shook his head. “Not
yet.”
Out bicycling one day with
her granddaughter, a grandma got a little wistful. "In ten years," she
said, "you'll want to be with your friends and you won't go walking,
biking, and swimming with me like you do now."
Carolyn shrugged. "In ten years you'll be too old to do all those things
anyway."
When the new activities
director for the rec center walked in, the retirees quickly took notice. She
was 20-something, statuesque, and gorgeous.
One old guy whispered,
“She makes me wish I was 30 years older.”
“Don’t you mean 30 years
younger?” I asked.
“No. If I were 30 years
younger, I’d still never have a chance with a woman like that. If I were 30
years older, it wouldn’t bother me so much.”
~~~~~
Two old friends got into a
beef that quickly grew heated. Finally,
one of them declared, "That does it! I'm taking you off my pallbearer
list!"
^^^^^
What was the radioactive
older woman’s superpower?
Gramma rays.
>>>>
I have no respect for
gangs today. They just drive by and shoot people. At least in the old days,
like in West Side Story, the gangs used to dance with each other first.
<<<<<
A nurse friend of mine
took a 104-year-old patient for a walk in the hospital corridor. When she got
him back to his room and sat him down, he took a deep breath and announced,
"That was great! I don't feel a day over 100!"
`````
After booking my 102-year-old
mother-in-law on a flight from Texas to Colorado, I called the airline to go
over her needs. The woman representative listened patiently as I requested a
wheelchair and an attendant for my mother because of her arthritis and impaired
vision. I also asked for a special meal and assistance in changing planes.
My apprehension lightened a bit when the woman assured me everything would be
taken care of. I thanked her profusely.
"Why, you're welcome," she replied. I was about to hang up when she
cheerfully asked, "And will your mother-in-law be needing a rental
car?"
=====
The orthopedic specialist had
to make arrangements for an elderly patient with spinal arthritis to have a
special injection. Two days later, the patient called us, concerned that he had
missed our call because of his poor hearing. "I can barely hear, barely
see and barely walk," he told them.
Then he added cheerfully, "Things could be worse, though. At least I can
still drive."
·
The good thing
about having a bad memory is that jokes can be funny more than once.
·
The older I get,
the earlier it gets late.
·
I’m not hard of
hearing I’ve just heard enough.
·
Nowadays ‘doing
crunchies’ means eating potato chips.
·
They say with age
comes wisdom. Well, apparently that age
weights about fifty pounds.
·
I am back to the
Stone Age. Gall stone, Kidney stones, bladder
stones.
·
My fat cells must
have accepted Jesus as their lord and savior because they seem to have eternal
life.
Enough with the old
people jokes.
Patient: “Doctor, you have
to help me, I think I can see in the future.”
Doctor: “When did you
start having this power?”
Patient: “Next Friday.”
What do you call someone
with no body and no nose?
Nobody knows.
I lost track of time last
night and burned dinner. It’s my way of
burning calories.
What do you call bears
with no ears?
B–.
What do Alexander the
Great and Winnie the Pooh have in common?
They have the same middle
name.
I told my physical
therapist I broke my arm in two places.
He told me to stop going
to those places.
I was watching a nature
show (again) and watched some footage on the dung beetle, a little bug that rolls
up big balls of manure to its nest to feed its offspring. The balls can be relatively large compared to
the little bug which gives it a Sisyphus-like vibe. They also are pretty funny.
Dung beetle apps
Fecesbook
Dung
n donuts
Snap
Scat
Pooper
Eats
A dung beetle walks into a
bar and says, “Excuse me, is this stool taken?”
Two dung beetles go out
for lunch
They went into a
restaurant and came out five minutes later.
They went into another place and as they're eating, one says "this is good
sh1t"!
The other replies, "Yeah, that last place was crap".
Why do we always see a
Dung Beetle with a ball of sh1t?
Because that's how he
rolls.
Two dung beetles meet
The first one asks; “How’s
it going?”
The second replies; “Same sh1t, different day.”
Why did the Dung Beetle
quit work?
He was all pooped out!
Whenever a dung beetle goes
out for fast food they always order a Number 2.
And finally, as is my
wont, an off-topic joke to finish things out.
A businessman boarded a flight
from New York to Miami and found a young woman seated next to him wearing a
large diamond ring. During the flight, he asked her about the ring.
“It is the Klopman
diamond, but it comes with a terrible curse,” she said.
“What’s the curse,” he
asked. She replied, “Mr. Klopman.”
