Deep Diving JOW #1188

 Titan submersible collapsed at great depth last week killing all five passengers instantly.  In every tragedy eventually someone will make jokes about it.  In this case the jokes and memes began almost instantly.  I think the reason people are having a hard time finding sympathy for the submarine passengers is because this is not something that could happen to just anyone.  They knowingly took an extreme risk at great personal expenditure.  They just wanted to visit the Titanic, not take up permanent residence.  If only they had gone into space like normal billionaires.  All these jokes about the submersible are not going down well; just like the Titan.  I start this week with somewhat macabre humor before shifting topics.

 

Titanic – Killing rich people for 110 years.

 

For $250k, you should at least get a round trip.

 

One advantage of not being super rich: you don’t have to worry about dying on the ocean bed.

 

Touring the wreck of the Titanic - $250k.  Joining the wreck of the Titanic – priceless.

 

5500 PSI will crush you instantly.  On the up side, no matter how rich you are, you should rendered small enough be able to fit through the eye of a needle.

 

The ‘eat the rich’ crowd felt that since wealth inequality is a tremendous problem this was a step in the right direction.  To them, modern problems require modern solutions: like deep submersibles.

 

People are always asking me 'how deep can a submarine dive'...

And I always answer 'all the way to the ocean floor'.
The trick really is coming back up again.

 

And speaking of the Titanic…

The Titanic was a ship of dreams.  Unfortunately it dreamed of being a submarine.

Did you know that even after all these years, the swimming pool on Titanic is still filled with water?

 

My grandfather warned people that the Titanic would sink

No one listened, but he kept on warning them nonetheless until they got sick of him and kicked him out the movie theatre.

 

To think the unthinkable

The thtory of the Thitanic.

 

Why should one not talk about Titanic with a stranger?

Because it can't break the ice

 

What do you get when you cross the Atlantic with The Titanic?

About half way.

 

The titanic was built to last......let that sink in.

 

Why are there are no subtitles for the last 15 minutes of "Titanic"?

A good caption always goes down with the ship.

 

Surfacing from these soggy jokes

A little known fact” In WWII a Japanese ship the Shi Maru attacked a shore base in the Seychelles Island.   That’s right – Shi shelled Seychelles down by the seashore

 

Those who pass prematurely are at least spared the indignities of aging.   Some mornings I get up and look in the mirror and say ‘that can’t be accurate’.

 

I am not exactly aging like a fine wine.  More like a fine banana.  Or maybe milk – getting sour and chunky. 

Aging is like owning a classic car. In order to keep looking beautiful, you'll need more than a few tune-ups and a fresh coat of paint.

 

My wife told me I have ‘grown as a person’.  Well, actually she said ‘you’re getting fat’, but I know what she really meant.

 

I am at the point where I need a nap to continue to do barely anything.

 

As you get older you can be sure your secrets are safe with your old friends – they can’t remember them.

 

With age comes wisdom … and hair in really weird places.

 

You know you are old when you’re told to slow down by your doctor and not the police.

 

 I used to know a couple who grew fruit trees together. They lived to a ripe old age.

 

Old age makes us great multitaskers. Why, I can sneeze and pee at the same time!

 

How many old men does it take to change a light bulb?

Only one.  But it takes all day.

 

I called the incontinence hotline recently. They asked if I could hold.

 

Be kind to your kids. They choose your nursing home.

Doctor – “We’re just waiting for your X-ray

Blonde – “But I never dated anyone named Ray.

Doctor – And…. Maybe be better do a brain scan

Did you hear that joke about paper?  Never mind, it’s tearible. 

 

Trees actually poop. That is how we get #2 pencils.

 

Why is justice served cold?

Because if it was served warm it would be justwater.

 

Homer Simpson –“If you don’t behave I’m gonna put you in a nursing home.”
Grandpa Simpson – “You already put me in a nursing home!”

Homer – “I’ll put you in that nursing home we saw on 60 Minutes.”

Grandpa, very contrite – “I’ll be good.”

 

What do you call someone who enjoys Mondays?
Retired.

 

What’s the key to a structured retirement?
A rigid nap schedule.

 

Retirement is what happens between doctors’ appointments.

 

A Millennial asked me a question about my long life.

"What was the biggest historical event that happened during your college days?"

"I'd have to say the moonwalk," I replied.

She looked disappointed. "That dance was so important to you?

 

Visiting Annapolis, I noticed several plebes on their hands and knees holding pencils and clipboards. “What are they doing?”

I asked our tour guide. “Each year, the upper­classmen ask the freshmen how many bricks it took to finish paving this courtyard,” he said.

“So what’s the answer?” my friend asked.

The guide replied, “One.”

 

Fred found himself in a long line at the driver's license bureau and moved to stand in the shorter line.

He turned around to see an elderly woman just standing in between the two lines and not moving to get in either one. He watched as she pulled out her cellphone and began reading the news.

He was confused why she was just standing there reading between the lines.

 

Critter JOW #1187

 Ruth wound up tending to an abandoned baby bird this week.  My wife has the knack for caring for anything hurt and this reputation apparently now extends to all of God’s creatures.  So I thought to make my jokes this week about critters.  I have been accused of making bad puns about animals by others but I think it's a turtle over reaction. It’s just being shellfish and it's giving me a bad haddock. I mean, I don't do them on porpoise...

Anyway, here are a few jokes about animals.

 

Tonight I made salmon for supper.  As it was gently cooking the fish a warm bath of garlic, herbs, lemon, wine, and onion I got a visit from a Fish and Wildlife officer. He said “Sir we have reason to believe that salmon has been poached”

 

To save money California is combining the Department of Fish and Wildlife and the Highway Patrol. The new department is called the Department of Fish and Chips.

 

Did you hear about the guy who made giraffe and elephant jam?

He called it Wildlife Preserve.

 

For sale: Dead Canary.

Not going cheep.

 

 What bird can be heard at mealtimes?

A swallow.

 

The early bird might get the worm…

But the second mouse gets the cheese.

 

My email password has been hacked. That's the third time I've had to rename the cat.

 

I enjoy painting wildlife.

But the rabbits leave hair on my paint rollers.

 

I started working at the large wildlife crematorium

And now I’m urning the big bucks.

 

What do you call a penguin in the desert?
Lost.

 

One year I dressed up my dog as a mailman for Halloween. He bit himself.

The next year I dressed him up as a cat.  Now he won’t come.

 

The size of the wildlife at construction sites is huge.

I mean, just look at the size of those cranes.

 

The World Wildlife Fund has stated that if humans keep fishing at the current pace, there will be no more fish left in the oceans by 2048.

Which is going to make it really difficult to give a comforting analogy to someone who is going through a relationship break-up.

 

What does an arctic wildlife photographer get from sitting around too long on the ice?

Polaroids.

 

An elephant drinking from a stream spots a tortoise lounging on the shore. He grabs it with his trunk and flings it into the jungle. A passing zebra asks, "Why did you do that?"

"Forty years ago that very tortoise nipped my tail just for fun," the elephant said.

"Wow, forty years ago! How did you remember that?"

"Well I have turtle recall," replied the elephant.

 

What kind of bees eat brains?

Zombees.

 

Why did the bee go to the doctor?

Because he had hives.

 

Why is a bee's hair always sticky?
Because it uses a honey comb!

 

A wildlife biologist walks into a bar and orders a beer. "Did you know that bats actually aren't blind?" he mentioned to the bartender.

"Well that makes sense," the bartender agrees. "That must be why they are so good at hitting baseballs."

 

Here are a few ‘horse walked into a bar’ jokes.

A pony walked into a bar.

The bartender said, "Hey."

The pony said, "You read my mind, buddy.  It is kind of bland but I need a stable diet."

So the bartender got some hay for the pony.  Trying to make conversation the bartender said “Why is your voice so gruff and growly?”

“Well”, the pony said, “I am a little horse.  “Say, do you have anything to read in here?”

Figuring the pony was pretty smart the bartender fetched him a book by the philosopher Descartes.

The pony read the tome with interest.  After a bit the bartender asked if the pony needed anything else.

“I think not,” said the pony, and *poof* he was gone.

“You fool!” exclaimed a customer.  “You put Descartes before the horse.”

 

Here are a few miscellaneous jokes I collected over time.

I know have one of those metabolisms where I can eat anything I want and still get fat.

 

Stalking – When two people go for a long romantic walk but only one of them knows about it.

 

Apple pie in the Bahamas cost $4.  The same pie costs $5 in Jamaica.  These are the pie rates of the Caribbean

 

 "He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts... for support rather than illumination.”

Andrew Lang (1844-1912)

 

How do the other deadly sins feel about Pride getting its own month?

 

Does anyone else notice that the ‘& sign looks like a person draggling their butt on the ground?

 

Teacher - “Johnny, use the word ‘gruesome’ in a sentence.”

Johnny – “I used to be short but then I grew some.”

 

The problem with living alone is that it’s always your turn to do the dishes.

 

Being a waiter isn’t glamorous, it puts food on the table.

 

These days I still want to run wild and live life to the fullest. But I also want to be in bed by 1000 PM.

 

My wife keeps telling everyone that she can read their minds, but she never can. She’s telepathetic.

 

A zookeeper wanted to buy some new animals from another wildlife park.

She began to write a letter.

Dear Sir, We are a recently opened zoo and are looking to purchase two mooses.

‘No that doesn't sound right.’ She though and tried again.

We are looking to purchase two meese.

‘No that can't be right either.’

She made another try.

Dear Sir, I wish to inquire about purchasing a moose. Kind Regards.
P.S. Please send another moose along with the first.

And finally:

England is finally honoring its longest river entirely in its border by making repairs to the over  navigation locks, improving the many drinking water systems, abstracting flow from its discharge into the sea, and providing for wildlife sanctuaries near the coast.

The people will vote on the entire referendum poised to fund the project.
It's called the Bond...the Thames Bond....

 

Wedded JOW #1186

 There are a lot of recurring themes in my long-running Jokes of the Week.   One of them is the eternal battle of the genders.  In this case I have a bunch of little jokes on the topic which I hope amuse you.

===========

Marriage can be fun some of the time.  The trouble is that you are married all the time.

 

Before marriage a man years for his woman.  After the marriage the ‘y’ is silent.

 

Marriage is not just a word.  It is a sentence.

 

Marriage is really tough because you have to deal with feelings ... and lawyers. —Richard Pryor

 

Marriage Counselor: So, what brings you here today?

Wife: He takes everything literally.  I can’t stand it.

Husband: We came in my truck.

 

Son: Dad, I’ve heard that in some parts of the world a man doesn’t know his wife until he marries her. Father: Son, that's true everywhere.

 

Every man wants a beautiful wife, a smart wife, a loving wife, a sexy wife, and a cooperative wife. Sadly, bigamy is against the law.

 

I just read that 4,153,237 people got married last year. Not to cause any trouble, but shouldn’t that be an even number?

 

Did you know there are no canaries on the Canary Islands?  Same thing about the Virgin Islands; no canaries there, either.

 

If it weren’t for marriage women would have to spend most of their adult life arguing with strangers.

 

Her:  Don’t get me started.  I don’t come with brakes.

 

Man: “How much for these Golden Circles of Enslavement?”

Sales Clerk: “Sir, those are called wedding rings.”

 

Marriage is a three-ring circus: engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering.

 

Q: What’s the difference between love and marriage?

A: Love is blind and marriage is an eye-opener.

 

 “Am we in our golden years?” asked an older wife.

 “Not at all,” Her husband assured her. “But we are yellowing fast.”

 

My wife told me that I twist everything she says to my advantage. I take that as a compliment.

A man and woman were at a bar

Man: Hey, how about I offer you a drink
Woman: No thanks, they are bad for my legs
Man: Do they swell?
Woman: No, they spread.

Or as Dorothy Parker put it:

I enjoy an occasional cocktail

Or maybe two at the most.

With three I’m under the table

With four I’m under my host.

 

A man and woman go to the courthouse to get a divorce.

The judge asks why they want a divorce.
The woman says that they are too compatible. She explains how they like the same movies, music, sports, books, and hobbies.
The judge perplexed asks why this is grounds for divorce.
“The compatibility is just too much.  We even like the same men.”

 

An old man and woman meet at a nursing home and decide to get married.

The nursing home doctor suggests they each get a physical before tying the knot.
The doctor examines the woman first. When the man comes in, the doctor tells him, "Before we begin, I should tell you that your fiancée has acute angina."
"I know, doc. I've seen it several times already. That's why I'm marrying her!"

 

One friend complained to another, "All my husband and I do anymore is fight. I've been so upset, I've lost 20 pounds."
"If it's that bad, why don't you just leave him?" asked the second friend.
"I'd like to lose another 15 pounds first."

 

Scene: A conversation between two of my friends.
Friend #1: Are you visiting us tomorrow? Do you need directions?
Friend #2: I'm all set. I have the address, a GPS, and a GPS override.
Friend #1: What's a GPS override?
Friend #2: My wife.

 

A daughter announced to her parents that was getting married.

The excited mother said, “You have to have the rehearsal dinner someplace opulent, where there’s dancing.”

The father, seeing where this was heading, said, “I’ll pay you a thousand dollars to elope.”

“And you have to have a breakfast, for the people who are coming from out of town.”

“Five thousand.”

“We’ll need a photographer. Oh, and what colors do you want for the reception?”

“Ten thousand!”

They eloped to Mexico.

 

A weeping woman bursts into her hypnotherapist’s office and declares, “Doctor, I have been faithful to my husband for 15 years, but yesterday I broke that trust and had an affair! The guilt is killing me. I just want to forget that it ever happened!”

The hypnotherapist shook his head. “Not again …” 

 

A six-year-old asked, “Did you marry Dad because he was good-looking?”

“Not really,” the mother replied.

“Did you marry him for his money?”

“Definitely not,” she laughed. “He didn’t have any.”

“So,” the young daughter said, “Did you just feel sorry for him?”

 

During a heartfelt chat with her friend about relationships, a woman sighed and said, "You know, if something happened to my husband, I don't think I could ever marry again."

Her friend nodded sympathetically. "I know what you mean," she said. "Once is enough."

 

A man was standing in front of the bathroom mirror one evening admiring his reflection, when he posed this question to his wife of 30 years: “Will you still love me when I’m old, fat, and balding?”

She answered, “I do.” 

 

After Adam stayed out late a few nights, Eve became suspicious.
"You’re running around with another woman— admit it!" she demanded.
"What other woman?" Adam shot back. "You’re it!"
That night, Adam was fast asleep when he was awakened by Eve poking him in the chest.
"What are you doing?"
"Counting your ribs."

 

Which brings to mind a semi-related note, my last joke.

 

In the Garden of Eden - God presented Adam with the First Woman.

“Adam, this is your mate, Eve.”

Adam said “She is lovely.  But who is that?” pointing to a hairy, bedraggled figure on a nearby palm tree.

“Oh, him,” shrugged God dismissively, “That’s Keith Richards.  He was there when I got here.”

Attention Deficit JOW #1185

 It seems to be a compressed world these days.  Everything happens abruptly – it is as though the whole world is on Ritalin.  Nobody is able to focus on anything for long.   People complain that kids these days don’t have any attention span, yet they get upset when you want to send kids to concentration camps.  I myself don’t have a short attention span; it’s just that I really enjoy changing the subject.  That is why my JOW this week are pretty much all quick hitters.  I hope you can stay concentrated long enough to enjoy them.

+++++=

I just heard that they are making new TV’s for people with short attention spans.  It’s going to have 20x as many pixels as 4k.  It's called 80HD.

 

I asked for some water at an IKEA store. They gave me some hydrogen and oxygen 

 

Lance is an uncommon name today, but back in King Arthur’s time people were named Lance a lot.

 

How does my mind work?  I saw a rhino and thought it was an armored assault unicorn

 

Dad, are we pyromaniacs? Yes, we arson.

 

She was only a moonshiner's daughter, but I miss her still.

 

What do you call a pig with laryngitis? Disgruntled.

 

Why do bees stay in their hives during winter? Swarm.

 

Just so everyone is clear, I’m going to put my glasses on.

 

I lost my job as a stage designer. I left without making a scene.

 

Never buy flowers from a monk. Only you can prevent florist friars.

 

How much did the pirate pay to get his ears pierced? A buccaneer.

 

I once worked at a cheap pizza shop to get by. I kneaded the dough.

 

My friends and I have named our band ‘Duvet’. It’s a cover band.

 

Have you ever seen the Grand Canyon?  It’s just gorges.

 

So much for those Ancestry tests.  All I got back was a bunch of nuts and crackers.

 

I lost my girlfriend’s audiobook, and now I’ll never hear the end of it.

 

Why is ‘dark’ spelled with a k and not c? Because you can’t "c" in the dark.

 

Why is it unwise to share your secrets with a clock? Well, time will tell.

 

Bono and The Edge walk into a Dublin bar and the bartender says, “Oh no, not U2 again.

 

Scientists got together to study the effects of alcohol on a person’s walk, and the result was staggering.

 

I’m trying to organize a hide and seek tournament, but good players are really hard to find.

 

Alcohol allows you to run away from your problems without actually moving.

 

I got over my addiction to chocolate, marshmallows, and nuts. I won’t lie, it was a rocky road.

 

 Silence can never be misquoted

 

Don’t be part of the problem.  Be the whole damn thing

 

What do you say to comfort a friend who’s struggling with grammar? There, their, they’re.

 

I went to the toy store and asked the assistant where the Schwarzenegger dolls are and he replied, “Aisle B, back.”

 

Q: Which weighs more, a kilo of water or a kilo of butane?

A: Butane is a lighter fluid.

 

Q: What's Forrest Gump's email password?

A: 1Forrest1.

 

Q: Why did the can crusher quit his job?

A: Because it was soda pressing.

 

On Facebook: ‘I can’t wait for warm summer nights on the patio’. 

300 mosquitos liked your posting.

 

Why is lemonade made from artificial flavorings but furniture polish is made from real lemons.

 

Kid - “There is one thing that really scares me on Halloween.”

Teacher – “Which is?”

Kid – “Exactly”           

 

I just finished my latest book about all the things I ought to have done.  I call it my Oughtobiography

 

Most people are unaware that you can read something on the internet and simply move on with your life.

 

The local weatherman broke his arms and legs.  He had to call in from the hospital to explain his four casts.

 

Accordion to recent studies over 90% of people do not realize I replaced the beginning word of this sentence with an instrument.  You have my symphony

 

Some of us are so old we can remember going a whole day without taking a picture of anything.

 

That moment when you open the microwave to reheat a cup of coffee and discover the one you lost yesterday morning….

 

Nothing ruins a cup of coffee like someone saying things like, “Who are you? And why are you drinking coffee in my kitchen?”

 

The nothing is more pleasant than the sound of a child laughing.  Unless it is 2:00 AM. And you don’t have any children.

 

Miley Cyrus can dance around nearly nude and lick a hammer and it’s called ‘art’.  When I do it I get kicked out of Home Depot.

 

Sure, it’s fine to eat a test grape in the produce section but you take one bite of a rotisserie chick and it’s all “Sir, you need to leave.”

 

It turns out that when ask who your favorite child is you’re supposed to pick one of your own.  I know that now.

 

The economy is so bad that today even Dirty Deeds are no longer Done Dirt Cheap

 

“A Frenchman walks into a library and asks for a book on warfare.

The librarian replies, ‘You’ll only lose it.’

And a couple of jokes to wrap things up.

My friend told me he broke up with his girlfriend.

I asked why.

“She just didn’t work out.”

I asked him to be more specific.

“Like I told you – she never exercised.”

~~~~

I lost my watch at a club.  I looked around and sure enough I saw it on the floor but there was some dude standing on it.  He was in an altercation with his date.  Sudden he just slapped her.  That’s when I sprang into action and decked the guy.  Because you don’t hit a woman.  Not on my watch.