In keeping with my holiday theme I am providing a few quotes and jokes about New Year holiday including a few standbys that involve alcohol along with a few semi-related jokes about bars and drunks and such. I hope that all of you are having as enjoyable season as I. So to begin here are some New Years observational quotes:
• The proper behavior all through the holiday season is to be drunk. This drunkenness culminates on New Year's Eve, when you get so drunk you sometimes kiss the person you're married to. P. J. O'Rourke
• New Year's is a harmless annual institution, of no particular use to anybody save as a scapegoat for promiscuous drunks, and friendly calls and humbug resolutions.
New Year's Day… now is the accepted time to make your regular annual good resolutions. Next week you can begin paving hell with them as usual. Mark Twain
• An optimist stays up until midnight to see the New Year in. A pessimist stays up to make sure the old year leaves.
Youth is when you're allowed to stay up late on New Year's Eve. Middle age is when you're forced to. Bill Vaughan
Definition of a hangover: Wrath of Grapes.
---------------------
When you drink Vodka over ice, it can give you kidney failure,
When you drink Rum over ice, it can give you liver failure,
When you drink whiskey over ice, it can give you heart problems,
When you drink Gin over ice, it can give you brain problems.
Apparently, ice is really bad for you.
````````````````````````````````
A man stomps into a bar, obviously angry. He growls at the bartender, "Gimme a gin". He takes a slug, and shouts out, "All lawyers are assholes!"
A guy at the other end of the bar retorts, "You take that back!"
The angry man snarls, "Why? Are you a lawyer?"
The guy replies, "No, I'm an asshole!"
++++++++++++++++
The Lone Ranger and Tonto walked into a bar and sat down for a couple of beers. A few minutes later, a lanky, bow-legged cowboy walked in and said,
"Who owns the big white horse outside?"
"I do", the Lone Ranger replied. "Why?"
The cowboy drawled, "You better take care of him; he¹s almost dead from the heat."
The Lone Ranger and Tonto rushed outside and found Silver leaning against the hitching post, panting. They got him some water and soon Silver was looking better, but he was still panting.
The Lone Ranger said, "Tonto, run around Silver as fast as you can and see if the breeze makes him feel any better.
Tonto replied, "Sure, Kemosabe," and began running around and around Silver. The Lone Ranger returned to the bar to finish his beer.
A few minutes later, another cowboy came into the bar and drawled, "Who owns that big white horse outside?"
"I do," the Lone Ranger said, "What's wrong with him this time?"
"Nothin'," the cowboy said, "But you left your Injun runnin'."
…………………………….
Okay, here is one for the Native Americans
A guy goes into a bar, orders a drink, and lights up a fine cigar. As he contentedly sips his drink, he blows several smoke rings into the air. After the ninth or tenth smoke ring, an angry Indian stomps up to him looks at the smoke rings and says, "One more remark like that and I'll punch you in the face!"
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected:
A carton of 2% milk,
A carton of eggs,
A pint of orange juice,
A head of lettuce,
A can of coffee,
And one pack of bacon.
A drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of the cashier. While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly stated, "You must be single."
The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since she was indeed single.
She looked at her six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about her selections that could have tipped off the drunk to her marital status.
Curiosity getting the better of her, she said "Well, you know what, you're absolutely correct. But how on earth did you know that?"
The drunk replied, "'Cause you're ugly.”
===================
Let me leave you with an old Irish toast:
In the New Year, may your right hand always be stretched out in friendship, never in want.
Tom
Wednesday, December 28, 2011
Monday, December 19, 2011
Christmas Week JOW
One nice thing about this season is that there are a lot of Christmas jokes. For some reason a lot of them are dirty – how odd. However, in keeping with the PG rating of the Joke of the Week here are some clean bits of humor to lighten your Holiday Season. As I plan to be traveling on Boxing Day as is traditional in my family, expect the JOW next week a bit later in the week.
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
Signs of Christmas
• Toy Store: "Ho, Ho, Ho spoken here."
• Bridal boutique: "Marry Christmas."
• Outside a church: "The original Christmas Club."
• At a department store: "Big pre-Christmas sale.
• Come in and mangle with the crowd."
• A Texas jewelry store: "Diamond tiaras -- $70,000. Three for $200,000.
• A reducing salon: "24 Shaping Days until Christmas."
• In a stationery store: "For the man who has everything... a calendar to remind him when payments are due."
The game show contestant was only 200 points behind the leader and about to answer the final question - worth 500 points!
"To be today's champion," the show's smiling host intoned, "name two of Santa's reindeer."
The contestant, a man in his early thirties, gave a sigh of relief, gratified that he had drawn such an easy question. "Rudolph!" he said confidently, "and, ...Olive!"
The studio audience started to applaud but the clapping quickly faded into mumbling, and the confused host replied, "Yes, we'll accept Rudolph, but could you please explain... 'Olive?!?'"
"You know," the man circled his hand forward impatiently and began to sing, "Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer - had a very shiny nose. And if you ever saw it, you would even say it glowed. *Olive,* the other reindeer..."
==============================
Sarah and her thirteen-year-old sister had been fighting a lot this year. This happens when you combine a headstrong two-year-old, who is sure she is always right, with a young adolescent.
Sarah's parents, trying to take advantage of her newfound interest in Santa Claus, reminded the two-year-old that Santa was watching and doesn't like it when children fight. This had little impact.
"I'll just have to tell Santa about your misbehavior," the mother said as she picked up the phone and dialed. Sarah's eyes grew big as her mother asked "Mrs. Claus" (really Sarah's uncle; Santa's real line was busy) if she could put Santa on the line. Sarah's mouth dropped open as Mom described to Santa (Sarah's uncle) how the two-year-old was acting. But, when Mom said that Santa wanted to talk to her, she reluctantly took the phone.
Santa, in a deepened voice, explained to her how there would be no presents Christmas morning to children who fought with their sisters. He would be watching, and he expected things to be better from now on.
Sarah, now even more wide eyed, solemnly nodded to each of Santa's remarks and silently hung the phone up when he was done. After a long moment, Mom (holding in her chuckles at being so clever) asked, "What did Santa say to you, dear?"
In almost a whisper, Sarah sadly replied, "Santa said he won't be bringing toys to my sister this year."
++++++++++++++++++++++
A man went to his dentist, because something is wrong with his mouth. After a brief examination, the dentist exclaims, "Holy Smoke! That plate I installed in your mouth about six months ago has nearly completely corroded! What on earth have you been eating?"
"Well... the only thing I can think of is this... my wife made me some asparagus about four months ago with this stuff on it... Hollandaise sauce she called it... and doctor, I'm talkin' DELICIOUS! I've never tasted anything like it, and ever since then I've been putting it on everything... meat, fish, toast, vegetables... you name it!"
"That's probably it," replied the dentist "Hollandaise sauce is made with lemon juice, which is acidic and highly corrosive. If you’re going to eat so much Hollandaise I'll have to install a new plate made out of chrome."
"Why chrome?" the man asked.
"Well, everyone knows that there's *no plate like chrome for the Hollandaise*!"
Christmas Carols for the psychiatrically challenged.
• SCHIZOPHRENIA: Do You Hear What I Hear?
• MULTIPLE PERSONALITY DISORDER: We Three Kings Disoriented Are
• DEMENTIA: I Think I'll Be Home For Christmas
• NARCISSISTIC: Hark, the Herald Angels Sing About Me
• MANIC: Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets and Stores and Office and Town and Cars and Busses and Trucks and Trees and Fire Hydrants and . . .
• DEPRESSIVE: Silent Night, Lonely night, All Is Flat, All Is Hopeless….
• PARANOID: Santa Claus Is Coming To Get Me
• PERSONALITY DISORDER: You Better Watch Out, I'm Gonna Cry, I'm Gonna Pout, Maybe I'll Tell You Why
• OBSESSIVE-COMPULSIVE DISORDER: Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, ........ (repeat the other sixteen identical verses)
Finally, press releases from the North Pole
Santa Reorganizes
The recent announcement that Donner and Blitzen have elected to take the early reindeer retirement package has triggered a good deal of concern about whether they will be replaced, and about other restructuring decisions at the North Pole.
Streamlining is due to the North Pole's loss of dominance of the season's gift distribution business. Home shopping channels and online shopping have diminished Santa's market share. He could not sit idly by and permit further erosion of the profit picture.
The reindeer downsizing was made possible through the purchase of a late model Chinese sled for the CEO's annual trip. Improved productivity from Dasher and Dancer, who summered at the Harvard Business School, is anticipated. Reduction in reindeer will also lessen reindeer midair ‘emissions’.
I am pleased to inform you that Rudolph's role will not be disturbed. Tradition still counts for something at the North Pole. Management denies, in the strongest possible language, the earlier leak that Rudolph's nose got that way, not from the cold, but from substance abuse.
As a further restructuring, today's global challenges require the North Pole to continue to look for better, more competitive steps. Effective immediately, the following economy measures are to take place in the "Twelve Days of Christmas" subsidiary:
The partridge will be retained, but the pear tree never turned out to be the cash crop forecasted. It will be replaced by a plastic hanging plant, providing considerable savings in maintenance;
The two turtle doves represent a redundancy that is simply not cost effective. In addition, their romance during working hours could not be condoned. The positions are therefore eliminated;
The three French hens will remain intact. After all, no one can lay off a Frenchman;
The four calling birds were replaced by an automated voice mail system, with a call waiting option. An analysis is underway to determine who the birds have been calling, how often and how long they talked;
The five golden rings have been put on hold by the Board of Directors. Maintaining a portfolio based on one commodity could have negative implications for institutional investors.
The six geese-a-laying constitutes a luxury which can no longer be afforded. It has long been felt that the production rate of one egg per goose per day is an example of the decline in productivity. Three geese will be let go, and an upgrading in the selection procedure by personnel will assure management that from now on every goose it gets will be a good one;
The seven swans-a-swimming is obviously a number chosen in better times. The function is primarily decorative. Mechanical swans are on order. The current swans will be retrained to learn some new strokes and therefore enhance their outplacement;
As you know, the eight maids-a-milking concept has been under heavy scrutiny by the EEOC. A male/female balance in the workforce is being sought. The more militant maids consider this a dead-end job with no upward mobility. Automation of the process may permit the maids to try a-mending, a-mentoring or a-mulching;
Nine ladies dancing has always been an odd number. This function will be phased out as these individuals grow older and can no longer do the steps;
Ten Lords-a-leaping is overkill. The high cost of Lords plus the expense of international air travel prompted the Compensation Committee to suggest replacing this group with ten out-of-work congressmen. While leaping ability may be somewhat sacrificed, the savings are significant because we hope for an oversupply of unemployed congressmen next year;
Eleven pipers piping and twelve drummers drumming is a simple case of the band getting too big. A substitution with a string quartet, a cutback on new music and no uniforms will produce savings which will drop right down to the bottom line;
We can expect a substantial reduction in assorted people, fowl, animals and other expenses. Though incomplete, studies indicate that stretching deliveries over twelve days is inefficient. If we can drop ship in one day, service levels will be improved.
Regarding the lawsuit filed by the attorneys association seeking expansion to include the legal profession ("thirteen lawyers-a-suing") action is pending.
Lastly, it is not beyond consideration that deeper cuts may be necessary in the future to stay competitive. Should that happen, the Board will request management to scrutinize the Snow White Division to see if seven dwarfs is the right number.
And in a related story….
New York - The American Civil Liberties Union announced today that it was bringing a lawsuit against Santa Claus for violations of the civil rights of children. An ACLU spokesman, Mr. E. Scrooge stated that, "Mr. Claus has been violating children's right to privacy and has been putting that information in a vast database. The information is then used by Mr. Claus’ organization to determine which children are considered naughty or nice. It is obvious Mr. Clause has violated the children's rights, as we have alleged in our suit, because of the memos and other company information we have obtained. In addition, we believe Mr. Claus has been engaging in activities designed to prevent the free expression of children’s behavior."
Experts are uncertain what possible effect the suit or possible pending charges might have on Mr. Claus' Christmas travels this year.
Merry Christmas to all from Tom
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
Signs of Christmas
• Toy Store: "Ho, Ho, Ho spoken here."
• Bridal boutique: "Marry Christmas."
• Outside a church: "The original Christmas Club."
• At a department store: "Big pre-Christmas sale.
• Come in and mangle with the crowd."
• A Texas jewelry store: "Diamond tiaras -- $70,000. Three for $200,000.
• A reducing salon: "24 Shaping Days until Christmas."
• In a stationery store: "For the man who has everything... a calendar to remind him when payments are due."
The game show contestant was only 200 points behind the leader and about to answer the final question - worth 500 points!
"To be today's champion," the show's smiling host intoned, "name two of Santa's reindeer."
The contestant, a man in his early thirties, gave a sigh of relief, gratified that he had drawn such an easy question. "Rudolph!" he said confidently, "and, ...Olive!"
The studio audience started to applaud but the clapping quickly faded into mumbling, and the confused host replied, "Yes, we'll accept Rudolph, but could you please explain... 'Olive?!?'"
"You know," the man circled his hand forward impatiently and began to sing, "Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer - had a very shiny nose. And if you ever saw it, you would even say it glowed. *Olive,* the other reindeer..."
==============================
Sarah and her thirteen-year-old sister had been fighting a lot this year. This happens when you combine a headstrong two-year-old, who is sure she is always right, with a young adolescent.
Sarah's parents, trying to take advantage of her newfound interest in Santa Claus, reminded the two-year-old that Santa was watching and doesn't like it when children fight. This had little impact.
"I'll just have to tell Santa about your misbehavior," the mother said as she picked up the phone and dialed. Sarah's eyes grew big as her mother asked "Mrs. Claus" (really Sarah's uncle; Santa's real line was busy) if she could put Santa on the line. Sarah's mouth dropped open as Mom described to Santa (Sarah's uncle) how the two-year-old was acting. But, when Mom said that Santa wanted to talk to her, she reluctantly took the phone.
Santa, in a deepened voice, explained to her how there would be no presents Christmas morning to children who fought with their sisters. He would be watching, and he expected things to be better from now on.
Sarah, now even more wide eyed, solemnly nodded to each of Santa's remarks and silently hung the phone up when he was done. After a long moment, Mom (holding in her chuckles at being so clever) asked, "What did Santa say to you, dear?"
In almost a whisper, Sarah sadly replied, "Santa said he won't be bringing toys to my sister this year."
++++++++++++++++++++++
A man went to his dentist, because something is wrong with his mouth. After a brief examination, the dentist exclaims, "Holy Smoke! That plate I installed in your mouth about six months ago has nearly completely corroded! What on earth have you been eating?"
"Well... the only thing I can think of is this... my wife made me some asparagus about four months ago with this stuff on it... Hollandaise sauce she called it... and doctor, I'm talkin' DELICIOUS! I've never tasted anything like it, and ever since then I've been putting it on everything... meat, fish, toast, vegetables... you name it!"
"That's probably it," replied the dentist "Hollandaise sauce is made with lemon juice, which is acidic and highly corrosive. If you’re going to eat so much Hollandaise I'll have to install a new plate made out of chrome."
"Why chrome?" the man asked.
"Well, everyone knows that there's *no plate like chrome for the Hollandaise*!"
Christmas Carols for the psychiatrically challenged.
• SCHIZOPHRENIA: Do You Hear What I Hear?
• MULTIPLE PERSONALITY DISORDER: We Three Kings Disoriented Are
• DEMENTIA: I Think I'll Be Home For Christmas
• NARCISSISTIC: Hark, the Herald Angels Sing About Me
• MANIC: Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets and Stores and Office and Town and Cars and Busses and Trucks and Trees and Fire Hydrants and . . .
• DEPRESSIVE: Silent Night, Lonely night, All Is Flat, All Is Hopeless….
• PARANOID: Santa Claus Is Coming To Get Me
• PERSONALITY DISORDER: You Better Watch Out, I'm Gonna Cry, I'm Gonna Pout, Maybe I'll Tell You Why
• OBSESSIVE-COMPULSIVE DISORDER: Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, ........ (repeat the other sixteen identical verses)
Finally, press releases from the North Pole
Santa Reorganizes
The recent announcement that Donner and Blitzen have elected to take the early reindeer retirement package has triggered a good deal of concern about whether they will be replaced, and about other restructuring decisions at the North Pole.
Streamlining is due to the North Pole's loss of dominance of the season's gift distribution business. Home shopping channels and online shopping have diminished Santa's market share. He could not sit idly by and permit further erosion of the profit picture.
The reindeer downsizing was made possible through the purchase of a late model Chinese sled for the CEO's annual trip. Improved productivity from Dasher and Dancer, who summered at the Harvard Business School, is anticipated. Reduction in reindeer will also lessen reindeer midair ‘emissions’.
I am pleased to inform you that Rudolph's role will not be disturbed. Tradition still counts for something at the North Pole. Management denies, in the strongest possible language, the earlier leak that Rudolph's nose got that way, not from the cold, but from substance abuse.
As a further restructuring, today's global challenges require the North Pole to continue to look for better, more competitive steps. Effective immediately, the following economy measures are to take place in the "Twelve Days of Christmas" subsidiary:
The partridge will be retained, but the pear tree never turned out to be the cash crop forecasted. It will be replaced by a plastic hanging plant, providing considerable savings in maintenance;
The two turtle doves represent a redundancy that is simply not cost effective. In addition, their romance during working hours could not be condoned. The positions are therefore eliminated;
The three French hens will remain intact. After all, no one can lay off a Frenchman;
The four calling birds were replaced by an automated voice mail system, with a call waiting option. An analysis is underway to determine who the birds have been calling, how often and how long they talked;
The five golden rings have been put on hold by the Board of Directors. Maintaining a portfolio based on one commodity could have negative implications for institutional investors.
The six geese-a-laying constitutes a luxury which can no longer be afforded. It has long been felt that the production rate of one egg per goose per day is an example of the decline in productivity. Three geese will be let go, and an upgrading in the selection procedure by personnel will assure management that from now on every goose it gets will be a good one;
The seven swans-a-swimming is obviously a number chosen in better times. The function is primarily decorative. Mechanical swans are on order. The current swans will be retrained to learn some new strokes and therefore enhance their outplacement;
As you know, the eight maids-a-milking concept has been under heavy scrutiny by the EEOC. A male/female balance in the workforce is being sought. The more militant maids consider this a dead-end job with no upward mobility. Automation of the process may permit the maids to try a-mending, a-mentoring or a-mulching;
Nine ladies dancing has always been an odd number. This function will be phased out as these individuals grow older and can no longer do the steps;
Ten Lords-a-leaping is overkill. The high cost of Lords plus the expense of international air travel prompted the Compensation Committee to suggest replacing this group with ten out-of-work congressmen. While leaping ability may be somewhat sacrificed, the savings are significant because we hope for an oversupply of unemployed congressmen next year;
Eleven pipers piping and twelve drummers drumming is a simple case of the band getting too big. A substitution with a string quartet, a cutback on new music and no uniforms will produce savings which will drop right down to the bottom line;
We can expect a substantial reduction in assorted people, fowl, animals and other expenses. Though incomplete, studies indicate that stretching deliveries over twelve days is inefficient. If we can drop ship in one day, service levels will be improved.
Regarding the lawsuit filed by the attorneys association seeking expansion to include the legal profession ("thirteen lawyers-a-suing") action is pending.
Lastly, it is not beyond consideration that deeper cuts may be necessary in the future to stay competitive. Should that happen, the Board will request management to scrutinize the Snow White Division to see if seven dwarfs is the right number.
And in a related story….
New York - The American Civil Liberties Union announced today that it was bringing a lawsuit against Santa Claus for violations of the civil rights of children. An ACLU spokesman, Mr. E. Scrooge stated that, "Mr. Claus has been violating children's right to privacy and has been putting that information in a vast database. The information is then used by Mr. Claus’ organization to determine which children are considered naughty or nice. It is obvious Mr. Clause has violated the children's rights, as we have alleged in our suit, because of the memos and other company information we have obtained. In addition, we believe Mr. Claus has been engaging in activities designed to prevent the free expression of children’s behavior."
Experts are uncertain what possible effect the suit or possible pending charges might have on Mr. Claus' Christmas travels this year.
Merry Christmas to all from Tom
Thursday, December 15, 2011
Shopping JOW
This is the final push for those Christmas shoppers who have not completed their shopping on Black Friday or Cyber Monday, or Green Tuesday, or whatever other contrived date the marketers could come up with. I still have a few things left to give (and get). I was going to ask for either a sweatshirt or a wind breaker but I could not decide if was going to sweat or break wind. I guess I will have to settle for socks.
Here is a gift for those of you who are also out doing your shopping: a few seasonal jokes.
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
The man approached a lovely woman in the large supermarket and asked, "You know, I've lost my wife here in the supermarket. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?"
"Why?"
"Because every time I talk to a beautiful woman my wife appears out of nowhere."
++++++++++++++
The shopkeeper was dismayed when a brand new business much like his own opened up next door and erected a huge sign which read BEST DEALS.
He was horrified when another competitor opened up on his right, and announced its arrival with an even larger sign, reading LOWEST PRICES.
The shopkeeper was panicked, until he got an idea. He put the biggest sign of all over his own shop-it read... MAIN ENTRANCE.
====================
"Cash, check or charge?" The clerk asked after folding items the woman wished to purchase. As she fumbled for her wallet he noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse.
"Do you always carry your TV remote?" he asked.
"No," she replied. "But my husband refused to come shopping with me, so I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him."
……………………………………
A teenage girl shopping at the mall stopped at the perfume counter and looked at the perfumes offered there: “My Sin”, “Desire”, and “Ecstasy”.
She turned to the salesperson and asked, “Do you have anything else? I don`t want to get emotionally involved...I just want to smell nice.”
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Dan sent me a cautionary tale for the party season:
This is a word to the wise for all my email friends. I would like to share an experience with you; it has to do with drinking and driving. As you know some of us have had brushes with the authorities over the years. The other night I was out for dinner with a few friends. After consuming too much brandy, and knowing full well that I was wasted, I did something I've never done before. Believe it or not, I took a bus home. Yes, a bus. I arrived home safely and without incident. This was really a surprise to me since I have never driven a bus before.
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
Finally, Martha has a good idea about helping with our immigration mess -
To help save the economy, the government will announce next month that the Immigration Department will start deporting seniors (instead of illegal’s) in order to lower Social Security and Medicare costs. Older people are easier to catch and will not remember how to get back home.
Tom
Here is a gift for those of you who are also out doing your shopping: a few seasonal jokes.
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
The man approached a lovely woman in the large supermarket and asked, "You know, I've lost my wife here in the supermarket. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?"
"Why?"
"Because every time I talk to a beautiful woman my wife appears out of nowhere."
++++++++++++++
The shopkeeper was dismayed when a brand new business much like his own opened up next door and erected a huge sign which read BEST DEALS.
He was horrified when another competitor opened up on his right, and announced its arrival with an even larger sign, reading LOWEST PRICES.
The shopkeeper was panicked, until he got an idea. He put the biggest sign of all over his own shop-it read... MAIN ENTRANCE.
====================
"Cash, check or charge?" The clerk asked after folding items the woman wished to purchase. As she fumbled for her wallet he noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse.
"Do you always carry your TV remote?" he asked.
"No," she replied. "But my husband refused to come shopping with me, so I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him."
……………………………………
A teenage girl shopping at the mall stopped at the perfume counter and looked at the perfumes offered there: “My Sin”, “Desire”, and “Ecstasy”.
She turned to the salesperson and asked, “Do you have anything else? I don`t want to get emotionally involved...I just want to smell nice.”
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Dan sent me a cautionary tale for the party season:
This is a word to the wise for all my email friends. I would like to share an experience with you; it has to do with drinking and driving. As you know some of us have had brushes with the authorities over the years. The other night I was out for dinner with a few friends. After consuming too much brandy, and knowing full well that I was wasted, I did something I've never done before. Believe it or not, I took a bus home. Yes, a bus. I arrived home safely and without incident. This was really a surprise to me since I have never driven a bus before.
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
Finally, Martha has a good idea about helping with our immigration mess -
To help save the economy, the government will announce next month that the Immigration Department will start deporting seniors (instead of illegal’s) in order to lower Social Security and Medicare costs. Older people are easier to catch and will not remember how to get back home.
Tom
Monday, December 5, 2011
Infant JOW
Children are on my mind these days so my JOW this week has some infant (as opposed to infantile) humor.
+++++++++++++++++++++++++
It was the day after Christmas at a church in San Francisco. Pastor Mike was looking at the nativity scene outside when he noticed the baby Jesus was missing from the figures.
Immediately, Pastor Mike turned towards the church to call the police. But as he was about to do so, he saw little Jimmy with a red wagon, and in the wagon was the figure of the little infant, Jesus.
Pastor Mike walked up to Jimmy and said, "Well, Jimmy, where did you get the little infant?"
Jimmy replied, "I got him from the church."
"And why did you take him?"
With a sheepish smile, Jimmy said, "Well, about a week before Christmas I prayed to little Lord Jesus. I told him if he would bring me a red wagon for Christmas, I would give him a ride around the block in it."
Here are some three questions from first time pregnant moms
Q: I'm two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?
A: With any luck, right after he finishes college.
Q: What is the most reliable method to determine a baby's sex?
A: Childbirth.
Q: My childbirth instructor says it's not pain I'll feel during labor, but pressure. Is she right?
A: Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current.
Things NOT to say while your wife is in pregnant, in labor or just after delivery:
-- When you lay on your back, you look like a python that swallowed a wild boar.
-- Gosh, you're lucky. I sure wish men could experience the miracle of childbirth.
-- Do you think the baby will come before Monday Night Football starts?
-- I hope you’re ready. The Glamour Shot photographer will be here in fifteen minutes.
-- If you think this hurts, I should tell you about the time I twisted my ankle playing basketball.
-- Remember what we learned in Lamaze class! HEE HEE HOO HOO. You're not using the right words.
-- That was the kids on the phone. Did you have anything planned for dinner?
-- You don't need an epidural. Just relax and enjoy the moment.
-- This whole experience kind of reminds me of an episode from I Love Lucy.
-- Stop your swearing and just breathe.
-- Your stomach still looks like there's another one in there.
________________________________________
Deep In the back woods of Tennessee, a hillbilly's wife went into labor in the middle of the night, and the doctor was called out to assist in the delivery. Since there was no electricity, the doctor handed the father-to-be a lantern and said, "Here. You hold this high so I can see what I am
doing." Soon, a baby boy was brought into the world.
Whoa there, said the doctor, "Don't be in such a rush to put that lantern down. I think there's another one coming." Sure enough, within minutes he had delivered a baby girl.
"Hold that lantern up, don't set it down there's another one!" said the doctor.
Within a few minutes he had delivered a third baby.
"No, don't be in a hurry to put down that lantern, there may be yet another one coming!" cried the doctor.
The redneck scratched his head in bewilderment, and asked the doctor, "You reckon it might be the light that's attractin' 'em?
________________________________________
Being a mother changes everything. But being a mother also changes with each baby. Here are some of the ways having a second and third child is different from having the first.
================
Maternity Clothes:
1st baby: You begin wearing maternity clothes as soon as your OB/GYN confirms your pregnancy.
2nd baby: You wear your regular clothes for as long as possible.
3rd baby: Your maternity clothes ARE your regular clothes.
---------------
Preparing for the Birth:
1st baby: You practice your breathing religiously.
2nd baby: You don't bother practicing because you remember that last time, breathing didn't do a thing.
3rd baby: You ask for an epidural in your 8th month.
---------------
The Layette:
1st baby: You pre-wash your newborn's clothes, color-coordinate them, and fold them neatly in the baby's little bureau.
2nd baby: You check to make sure that the clothes are clean and discard only the ones with the darkest stains.
3rd baby: Boys can wear pink, can't they?
---------------
Worries:
1st baby: At the first sign of distress - a whimper, a frown-you pick up the baby.
2nd baby: You pick the baby up when her wails threaten to wake your firstborn.
3rd baby: You teach your 3-year-old how to rewind the mechanical swing.
---------------
Pacifier
1st baby: If the pacifier falls on the floor, you put it away until you can go home and wash and boil it.
2nd baby: When the pacifier falls on the floor, you squirt it off with some juice from the baby's bottle.
3rd baby: You wipe it off on your shirt and pop it back in.
---------------
Diapering:
1st baby: You change your baby's diapers every hour, whether they need it or not.
2nd baby: You change their diaper every 2 to 3 hours, if needed.
3rd baby: You try to change their diaper before others start to complain about the smell or you see it sagging to their knees.
---------------
Activities:
1st baby: You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics, Baby Swing, and Baby Story Hour.
2nd baby: You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics.
3rd baby: You take your infant to the supermarket and the dry cleaner.
---------------
Going Out:
1st baby: The first time you leave your baby with a sitter, you call home five times.
2nd baby: Just before you walk out the door, you remember to leave a number where you can be reached.
3rd baby: You leave instructions for the sitter to call only if she sees blood.
---------------
At Home:
1st baby: You spend a good bit of every day just gazing at the baby.
2nd baby: You spend a bit of everyday watching to be sure your older child isn't squeezing, poking, or hitting the baby.
3rd baby: You spend a little bit of every day hiding from the children.
---------------
Swallowing Coins:
1st child: when first child swallows a coin, you rush the child to the hospital and demand x-rays.
2nd child: when 2nd child swallows a coin, you carefully watch for coin to pass.
3rd child: when 3rd child swallows a coin you deduct it from his allowance.
Tom
+++++++++++++++++++++++++
It was the day after Christmas at a church in San Francisco. Pastor Mike was looking at the nativity scene outside when he noticed the baby Jesus was missing from the figures.
Immediately, Pastor Mike turned towards the church to call the police. But as he was about to do so, he saw little Jimmy with a red wagon, and in the wagon was the figure of the little infant, Jesus.
Pastor Mike walked up to Jimmy and said, "Well, Jimmy, where did you get the little infant?"
Jimmy replied, "I got him from the church."
"And why did you take him?"
With a sheepish smile, Jimmy said, "Well, about a week before Christmas I prayed to little Lord Jesus. I told him if he would bring me a red wagon for Christmas, I would give him a ride around the block in it."
Here are some three questions from first time pregnant moms
Q: I'm two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?
A: With any luck, right after he finishes college.
Q: What is the most reliable method to determine a baby's sex?
A: Childbirth.
Q: My childbirth instructor says it's not pain I'll feel during labor, but pressure. Is she right?
A: Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current.
Things NOT to say while your wife is in pregnant, in labor or just after delivery:
-- When you lay on your back, you look like a python that swallowed a wild boar.
-- Gosh, you're lucky. I sure wish men could experience the miracle of childbirth.
-- Do you think the baby will come before Monday Night Football starts?
-- I hope you’re ready. The Glamour Shot photographer will be here in fifteen minutes.
-- If you think this hurts, I should tell you about the time I twisted my ankle playing basketball.
-- Remember what we learned in Lamaze class! HEE HEE HOO HOO. You're not using the right words.
-- That was the kids on the phone. Did you have anything planned for dinner?
-- You don't need an epidural. Just relax and enjoy the moment.
-- This whole experience kind of reminds me of an episode from I Love Lucy.
-- Stop your swearing and just breathe.
-- Your stomach still looks like there's another one in there.
________________________________________
Deep In the back woods of Tennessee, a hillbilly's wife went into labor in the middle of the night, and the doctor was called out to assist in the delivery. Since there was no electricity, the doctor handed the father-to-be a lantern and said, "Here. You hold this high so I can see what I am
doing." Soon, a baby boy was brought into the world.
Whoa there, said the doctor, "Don't be in such a rush to put that lantern down. I think there's another one coming." Sure enough, within minutes he had delivered a baby girl.
"Hold that lantern up, don't set it down there's another one!" said the doctor.
Within a few minutes he had delivered a third baby.
"No, don't be in a hurry to put down that lantern, there may be yet another one coming!" cried the doctor.
The redneck scratched his head in bewilderment, and asked the doctor, "You reckon it might be the light that's attractin' 'em?
________________________________________
Being a mother changes everything. But being a mother also changes with each baby. Here are some of the ways having a second and third child is different from having the first.
================
Maternity Clothes:
1st baby: You begin wearing maternity clothes as soon as your OB/GYN confirms your pregnancy.
2nd baby: You wear your regular clothes for as long as possible.
3rd baby: Your maternity clothes ARE your regular clothes.
---------------
Preparing for the Birth:
1st baby: You practice your breathing religiously.
2nd baby: You don't bother practicing because you remember that last time, breathing didn't do a thing.
3rd baby: You ask for an epidural in your 8th month.
---------------
The Layette:
1st baby: You pre-wash your newborn's clothes, color-coordinate them, and fold them neatly in the baby's little bureau.
2nd baby: You check to make sure that the clothes are clean and discard only the ones with the darkest stains.
3rd baby: Boys can wear pink, can't they?
---------------
Worries:
1st baby: At the first sign of distress - a whimper, a frown-you pick up the baby.
2nd baby: You pick the baby up when her wails threaten to wake your firstborn.
3rd baby: You teach your 3-year-old how to rewind the mechanical swing.
---------------
Pacifier
1st baby: If the pacifier falls on the floor, you put it away until you can go home and wash and boil it.
2nd baby: When the pacifier falls on the floor, you squirt it off with some juice from the baby's bottle.
3rd baby: You wipe it off on your shirt and pop it back in.
---------------
Diapering:
1st baby: You change your baby's diapers every hour, whether they need it or not.
2nd baby: You change their diaper every 2 to 3 hours, if needed.
3rd baby: You try to change their diaper before others start to complain about the smell or you see it sagging to their knees.
---------------
Activities:
1st baby: You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics, Baby Swing, and Baby Story Hour.
2nd baby: You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics.
3rd baby: You take your infant to the supermarket and the dry cleaner.
---------------
Going Out:
1st baby: The first time you leave your baby with a sitter, you call home five times.
2nd baby: Just before you walk out the door, you remember to leave a number where you can be reached.
3rd baby: You leave instructions for the sitter to call only if she sees blood.
---------------
At Home:
1st baby: You spend a good bit of every day just gazing at the baby.
2nd baby: You spend a bit of everyday watching to be sure your older child isn't squeezing, poking, or hitting the baby.
3rd baby: You spend a little bit of every day hiding from the children.
---------------
Swallowing Coins:
1st child: when first child swallows a coin, you rush the child to the hospital and demand x-rays.
2nd child: when 2nd child swallows a coin, you carefully watch for coin to pass.
3rd child: when 3rd child swallows a coin you deduct it from his allowance.
Tom
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