Last week I did a JOW on dying. What could be more natural to follow that then some jokes with a medical theme.
__________________
Lying on his deathbed, a loving husband was wavering between life and death when he thought he smelled chocolate chip cookies baking. They were his very favorite, so he dragged himself out of bed, crawled to the kitchen and was just reaching up to take a cookie off the plate when his wife slapped his hand with a spatula.
"Don't touch!" she commanded. "They're for the funeral."
……………………………………………..
Yet another husband was lying on his deathbed his life slipping way. He reached out to his wife who took his hand.
“I’m dying,” he told her.
“There, there,” she said quietly patting his hand.
“No, really, I am dying. I have a confession to make.”
“Oh hush, dear, you don’t have say a word.”
“Darling, I had an affair with your best friend.”
“Hush, sweetheart, just let the poison do its work.”
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
When Ruth went back to the medical lab to have some blood drawn, she was greeted with a battery of questions from the technician.
“Has your address changed?” she asked.
“No,” Ruth answered.
“Your phone number?”
“No.”
“What about your birthday?”
===============
“Do you think I’ll live another 50 years, Doc?” asked a patient.
“How old are you now?”
“Forty.”
“Do you drink, gamble or chase women?”
“No,” the man answered. “I don’t drink, I never gamble, and I don’t socialize much. In fact, I don’t have any vices at all.”
“Why then,” the doctor retorted, “do you want to live another 50 years?”
+++++++++++++++++++
They've just found a gene for shyness. They would have found it earlier, but it was hiding behind a couple of other genes.
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
A man went to the cardiologist after experiencing symptoms of a heart attack. "I had taken our cat to the vet," he told the nurse, "and while I was there, my chest got tight, and I had trouble breathing. Later, my left arm began aching."
The nurse was clearly concerned. "So," she asked, "how was your cat?"
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
Doing rounds, a new nurse couldn’t help overhearing the surgeon yelling, "Typhoid! Tetanus! Measles!"
"Why does he keep doing that?" she asked a colleague.
"Oh, he likes to call the shots around here."
------------------------------
Okay, let me wrap it up with one about a sick lawyer.
“What’s wrong, Tom?” his fellow lawyer asked solicitously.
“Oh-h-h,” he groaned, “I was out late last night entertaining a guy who can throw a lot of business our way. I’ve got the absolutely worst of all hangovers.”
“I know how you feel. I’ve had some monsters myself.”
“How did you get rid of yours?”
The first lawyer grinned. “I grab my wife and make passionate love to her. In no time, my headache is gone. You ought to try it.”
“I’ll try anything,” Tom said, reaching for his coat. “See you later.”
When he returned he was whistling a jaunty tune. “I see my remedy worked,” his colleague said.
“Like a charm,” replied the rejuvenated lawyer. “And, heh, that’s a really nice house you have.”
Tom
Tuesday, February 28, 2012
Monday, February 20, 2012
Dead Funny JOW
Over the years I have done my JOW on a very wide number of topics. Some are easier than others. This one, as you might have noticed from the title is about shuffling off this mortal coil, transferring to another phase, kicking the bucket, buying the farm, or otherwise leaving this mortal world. There are lots of heaven and hell jokes, and a surprising number of humorous bits about passing away. Here is a small sample:
========================
Things you do not want to see in your obituary:
“She leaves behind a brother and 27 cats.”
“Passed away in a failed stunt that has already been viewed more than 4 million times on YouTube.”
“Was always quick to point out others’ grammatical errors.”
“Survived by his parents and his animatronic wife, Elizabot.”
…………………………………..
A couple was making their funeral arrangements; the cemetery salesman pointed out a plot that he thought they would like. “You’ll have a beautiful view of the swan pond,” he assured them.
The old man wasn’t sold: “Unless you’re including a periscope with my casket, I don’t know how I’m going to enjoy it.”
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
A mortician, named Dale Russon tells what happened to him on his way to one funeral:
‘When I pulled up to a curb, my rear wheel dropped off the edge of the road and into a drain, causing the car to become stuck. Since I was already late, I rushed over to the trunk, got out my jack and started to raise the car out of the drain. At the motion of the jack, the trunk lid snapped down, catching me square on the head. At that point I decided I'd better call the funeral home and have them start the services without me. Blood was running down my face, dripping on my suit, and I was going to have to change my clothes. I stepped into the nearest building and asked the receptionist to call the Russon Brothers Mortuary for me.
She looked at me and said, "Buddy, you're hurt, but you aren't hurt that bad."’
++++++++++++++++++++
An old farmer is inconsolable after his dog goes missing. His wife suggests he take out an ad in the newspaper, which he does. But two weeks later, there’s still no sign of the mutt.
“What did you write in the ad?” his wife asks. “
‘Here, boy,’
======================
Seeing her friend Sally wearing a new locket, Meg asks if there is a memento of some sort inside. “Yes,” says Sally, “a lock of my husband’s hair.”
“But Larry’s still alive.”
“I know, but his hair is gone.”
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A priest suddenly became ill and asked his twin brother, also a priest, to fill in for him and conduct a funeral Mass scheduled for that day. His brother, of course, agreed. It was not until the brother was accompanying the casket down the aisle, however, that he realized that he had neglected to ask the sex of the deceased. This was information that he would need for his remarks during the service. As he approached the first pew where the deceased's relatives were seated he nodded toward the casket and whispered to one woman, "Brother or sister?"
"Cousin," she replied unhelpfully.
--------------------------------------
A MUSICIAN had given orders that when he died, his flute was to be buried with him. "What did you think, madam:" a friend asked the widow.
"Well," she replied, "I thought it a blessing he didn't play the piano."
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
One evening a man and his wife were talking about their last wishes. When asked what funeral arrangements he would like. He told me his wanted to be cremated and have his ashes scattered over Catalina Island.
"Why Catalina?" she asked.
"Why? Because I've never been there before."
Let me end this JOW with some non-mortality type jokes
I was diagnosed with antisocial behavior disorder, so I joined a support group. We never meet.
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
A man tells his doctor that he’s incapable of doing all the things around the house that he used to do. When the examination is over, he says, “Okay, Doctor. In plain English—what’s wrong with me?”
“Well, in plain English,” says the doctor, “you’re just lazy.”
The man nods. “Now give me the medical term so I can tell my wife.”
------------------
The elevator in our building malfunctioned one day, leaving several of us stranded. Seeing a sign that listed two emergency phone numbers, I dialed the first and explained our situation. After what seemed to be a very long silence, the voice on the other end said, “I don’t know what you expect me to do for you; I’m a psychologist.”
“A psychologist?” I replied. “Your phone is listed here as an emergency number. Can’t you help us?”
“Well,” he finally responded in a measured tone. “How do you feel about being stuck in an elevator?”
Tom
========================
Things you do not want to see in your obituary:
“She leaves behind a brother and 27 cats.”
“Passed away in a failed stunt that has already been viewed more than 4 million times on YouTube.”
“Was always quick to point out others’ grammatical errors.”
“Survived by his parents and his animatronic wife, Elizabot.”
…………………………………..
A couple was making their funeral arrangements; the cemetery salesman pointed out a plot that he thought they would like. “You’ll have a beautiful view of the swan pond,” he assured them.
The old man wasn’t sold: “Unless you’re including a periscope with my casket, I don’t know how I’m going to enjoy it.”
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
A mortician, named Dale Russon tells what happened to him on his way to one funeral:
‘When I pulled up to a curb, my rear wheel dropped off the edge of the road and into a drain, causing the car to become stuck. Since I was already late, I rushed over to the trunk, got out my jack and started to raise the car out of the drain. At the motion of the jack, the trunk lid snapped down, catching me square on the head. At that point I decided I'd better call the funeral home and have them start the services without me. Blood was running down my face, dripping on my suit, and I was going to have to change my clothes. I stepped into the nearest building and asked the receptionist to call the Russon Brothers Mortuary for me.
She looked at me and said, "Buddy, you're hurt, but you aren't hurt that bad."’
++++++++++++++++++++
An old farmer is inconsolable after his dog goes missing. His wife suggests he take out an ad in the newspaper, which he does. But two weeks later, there’s still no sign of the mutt.
“What did you write in the ad?” his wife asks. “
‘Here, boy,’
======================
Seeing her friend Sally wearing a new locket, Meg asks if there is a memento of some sort inside. “Yes,” says Sally, “a lock of my husband’s hair.”
“But Larry’s still alive.”
“I know, but his hair is gone.”
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A priest suddenly became ill and asked his twin brother, also a priest, to fill in for him and conduct a funeral Mass scheduled for that day. His brother, of course, agreed. It was not until the brother was accompanying the casket down the aisle, however, that he realized that he had neglected to ask the sex of the deceased. This was information that he would need for his remarks during the service. As he approached the first pew where the deceased's relatives were seated he nodded toward the casket and whispered to one woman, "Brother or sister?"
"Cousin," she replied unhelpfully.
--------------------------------------
A MUSICIAN had given orders that when he died, his flute was to be buried with him. "What did you think, madam:" a friend asked the widow.
"Well," she replied, "I thought it a blessing he didn't play the piano."
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
One evening a man and his wife were talking about their last wishes. When asked what funeral arrangements he would like. He told me his wanted to be cremated and have his ashes scattered over Catalina Island.
"Why Catalina?" she asked.
"Why? Because I've never been there before."
Let me end this JOW with some non-mortality type jokes
I was diagnosed with antisocial behavior disorder, so I joined a support group. We never meet.
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
A man tells his doctor that he’s incapable of doing all the things around the house that he used to do. When the examination is over, he says, “Okay, Doctor. In plain English—what’s wrong with me?”
“Well, in plain English,” says the doctor, “you’re just lazy.”
The man nods. “Now give me the medical term so I can tell my wife.”
------------------
The elevator in our building malfunctioned one day, leaving several of us stranded. Seeing a sign that listed two emergency phone numbers, I dialed the first and explained our situation. After what seemed to be a very long silence, the voice on the other end said, “I don’t know what you expect me to do for you; I’m a psychologist.”
“A psychologist?” I replied. “Your phone is listed here as an emergency number. Can’t you help us?”
“Well,” he finally responded in a measured tone. “How do you feel about being stuck in an elevator?”
Tom
Monday, February 13, 2012
Paraprosdokian JOW
My sister knows I love word play, so she sent me some paraprosdokians, which are "a figure of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected; frequently used in a humorous situation." "Where there's a will, I want to be in it," is a type of paraprosdokian. Since they are kind of nerdy I also included a couple of groaners just to balance things out.
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
• The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on my list.
• If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.
• We never really grow up; we only learn how to act in public.
• Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says,'In case of emergency, notify:' I put 'DOCTOR.'
• Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
• Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall
of a successful man is usually another woman.
• A clear conscience is the sign of a fuzzy memory.
• You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to sky dive again.
• Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.
• You're never too old to learn something stupid.
• To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.
• Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.
• Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
• Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
Here are a few paraprosdokians used in quotations.
"If all the girls who attended the prom were laid end to end, I wouldn't be a bit surprised." —Dorothy Parker
"I haven't slept for ten days, because that would be too long." —Mitch Hedberg
I sleep eight hours a day and at least ten at night." —Bill Hick
"She looks as though she's been poured into her clothes, and forgot to say 'when'." —P. G. Wodehouse
"If I could just say a few words... I'd be a better public speaker." —Homer Simpson
"If I am reading this graph correctly — I'd be very surprised." —Stephen Colbert
"There but for the grace of God — goes God." —Winston Churchill
"A modest man, who has much to be modest about." — supposedly Winston Churchill, about Clement Attlee
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A reporter for an English tabloid paper despised his city's Building Department need to re-roof his house. He knew he was supposed to get a building permit to do this, but didn't out of spite. He had completed most of his illegal repairs and was preparing to eliminate the sag in the eaves at the end of the house.
As the man struggled to eliminate the sag in the eaves, some rotted wood gave way underneath him. He fell right through the hole in the roof, but managed to grab the edge of the eaves as he fell, catching himself.
Unfortunately, the sudden weight of the falling man caused the edge of the roof to completely tear loose from the rest of the house, resulting in the man falling twenty feet to the ground and getting pummeled with debris from the collapsed eaves.
A neighbor happened to witness this and hurried over to check on the man. He was alive, but badly hurt. The paramedics were called and he was taken to the hospital in agony.
The man's injuries were serious enough that he spent six weeks in the hospital recovering. On his last day in the hospital, the police arrived and announced that he was under arrest for his activities six weeks earlier.
"What!?" exclaimed the man. "You're going to arrest me for falling off my own roof?"
"Oh no," replied the policeman. "We're arresting you for tearing off the edge of your roof without a permit. That's a clear case of illegal eavesdropping."
……………………………………..
Mercy Hospital in Chicago is run by a group of nuns who came from Australia. Through the years the years they have gone out of their way to maintain ties with their native land -- putting up a large map of the country in the reception area, and serving Australian tea from tins decorated with koala bears.
One night a patient calls a nun into his room and tells her how much he likes the hospital and the care. But he has one small complaint: he found some leaves in his tea.
"Of course," the nun replied, "the koala tea of Mercy is not strained."
=============================
Robinson Crusoe fell desperately ill. Just before dropping into a coma, he called for his man Friday to help him. "Friday, get help! Get help!"
"Yes!" Friday replied, "Get help now!" Not knowing what else to do, he went outside of Crusoe's tent and danced and prayed that God would send help to his master.
Shortly afterwards, he went back into Crusoe's tent and found his master awake and staring at a beautiful glowing angel at the foot of his bed.
"Who is that?" Robinson Crusoe asked.
His helper answered, "Thank Friday! It's God!"
Tom
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
• The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on my list.
• If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.
• We never really grow up; we only learn how to act in public.
• Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says,'In case of emergency, notify:' I put 'DOCTOR.'
• Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
• Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall
of a successful man is usually another woman.
• A clear conscience is the sign of a fuzzy memory.
• You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to sky dive again.
• Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.
• You're never too old to learn something stupid.
• To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.
• Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.
• Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
• Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
Here are a few paraprosdokians used in quotations.
"If all the girls who attended the prom were laid end to end, I wouldn't be a bit surprised." —Dorothy Parker
"I haven't slept for ten days, because that would be too long." —Mitch Hedberg
I sleep eight hours a day and at least ten at night." —Bill Hick
"She looks as though she's been poured into her clothes, and forgot to say 'when'." —P. G. Wodehouse
"If I could just say a few words... I'd be a better public speaker." —Homer Simpson
"If I am reading this graph correctly — I'd be very surprised." —Stephen Colbert
"There but for the grace of God — goes God." —Winston Churchill
"A modest man, who has much to be modest about." — supposedly Winston Churchill, about Clement Attlee
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A reporter for an English tabloid paper despised his city's Building Department need to re-roof his house. He knew he was supposed to get a building permit to do this, but didn't out of spite. He had completed most of his illegal repairs and was preparing to eliminate the sag in the eaves at the end of the house.
As the man struggled to eliminate the sag in the eaves, some rotted wood gave way underneath him. He fell right through the hole in the roof, but managed to grab the edge of the eaves as he fell, catching himself.
Unfortunately, the sudden weight of the falling man caused the edge of the roof to completely tear loose from the rest of the house, resulting in the man falling twenty feet to the ground and getting pummeled with debris from the collapsed eaves.
A neighbor happened to witness this and hurried over to check on the man. He was alive, but badly hurt. The paramedics were called and he was taken to the hospital in agony.
The man's injuries were serious enough that he spent six weeks in the hospital recovering. On his last day in the hospital, the police arrived and announced that he was under arrest for his activities six weeks earlier.
"What!?" exclaimed the man. "You're going to arrest me for falling off my own roof?"
"Oh no," replied the policeman. "We're arresting you for tearing off the edge of your roof without a permit. That's a clear case of illegal eavesdropping."
……………………………………..
Mercy Hospital in Chicago is run by a group of nuns who came from Australia. Through the years the years they have gone out of their way to maintain ties with their native land -- putting up a large map of the country in the reception area, and serving Australian tea from tins decorated with koala bears.
One night a patient calls a nun into his room and tells her how much he likes the hospital and the care. But he has one small complaint: he found some leaves in his tea.
"Of course," the nun replied, "the koala tea of Mercy is not strained."
=============================
Robinson Crusoe fell desperately ill. Just before dropping into a coma, he called for his man Friday to help him. "Friday, get help! Get help!"
"Yes!" Friday replied, "Get help now!" Not knowing what else to do, he went outside of Crusoe's tent and danced and prayed that God would send help to his master.
Shortly afterwards, he went back into Crusoe's tent and found his master awake and staring at a beautiful glowing angel at the foot of his bed.
"Who is that?" Robinson Crusoe asked.
His helper answered, "Thank Friday! It's God!"
Tom
Tuesday, February 7, 2012
Hard Driving JOW
I now have to battle traffic for a lengthy commute to work; that got me thinking about automobiles and driving in general. Here some jokes generally associated with motor vehicles and their operation. I start with one just for Cpt. Woody who loathes the very concept of traffic cameras.
*********************************
A grumpy old lawyer was driving when he saw the flash of a traffic camera.
He figured that his picture had been taken for exceeding the limit even though he knew that he was not speeding.
Just to be sure, he went around the block and passed the same spot, driving even more slowly, but again the camera flashed. Now he began to think that this was quite funny, so he drove even slower as he passed the area once more, but the traffic camera again flashed. He tried a fourth and fifth time with the same results and was now laughing as the camera flashed while he rolled past at a snail's pace.
Two weeks later, he got five tickets in the mail for driving without a seat belt.
++++++++++++++++
As a tribute to the Super Bowl Halftime show:
1st Officer: "Guess who I pulled over in a traffic stop the other day?"
2nd Officer: "Who?"
1st Officer: "Janet Jackson!"
2nd Officer: "What she do, was she speeding?"
1st Officer: "Nah, she had one headlight out."
---------------------------------
"Hey, I am going pretty fast," asked the brunette at the wheel, "see any cops following us?"
The blonde turned around for a long look. "As a matter of fact, I do."
"Oh, NOOOO!" yelled the brunette. "Are his flashers on?"
The blonde turned around again. "Yup...nope...yup...nope...yup..."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A Canadian driving around in Arkansas stopped to ask directions to his hotel.
The man he asked replied “Just drive down this road about 5 miles and then turn left at the Stop ‘n Go.”
He drove 5 miles, then 6, then 7. At about 10 miles down he stopped for directions again.
That man replied, “Just go back down this road about 5 miles and turn right at the Stop ‘n Go”
He headed out again but still had no luck. When he got back to where he had started he stopped again. When he asked for directions again the answer was exactly the same. This time he asked, “Could you describe the Stop ‘n Go for me?”
The man gave him a funny look and said “It’s on a pole. It’s got a red light on the top, a green light on the bottom....”
………………….
Two rednecks, Bubba and Earl, were driving down the road drinking a couple of bottles of Bud.
The passenger, Bubba, said "Lookey thar up ahead, Earl, it's a police roadblock!! We're gonna get busted fer drinkin' these here beers!!"
"Don't worry, Bubba," Earl said. "We'll just pull over and finish drinkin' these beers then peel off the label and stick it on our foreheads, and throw the bottles under the seat."
"What fer?” asked Bubba.
"Just let me do the talkin', OK?," said Earl.
Well, they finished their beers, threw the empties out of sight & put label on each of their foreheads.
When they reached the roadblock, the sheriff said, "You boys been drinkin'?"
"No, sir," said Earl while pointing at the labels. "We're on the patch."
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
A motorcycle officer stops a man for running a red light. The guy is a real jerk and comes running back to the motor officer. The violator demands to know why he is being harassed by the Gestapo!
So the officer calmly tells him of the red light violation.
The "Motorist" instantly goes on a tirade, questioning the officer's ancestry, sexual orientation, and work habits all in rather explicit terms.
The officer, being a professional, takes it all in stride.
The tirade goes on without the cop saying anything. When he finishes writing the citation he puts an "AH" in the lower right corner of the narrative portion of the citation. He then hands it to the "Violator" for his signature.
The guy signs the citation angrily, tearing the paper, and when presented his copy points to the "AH" and demands to know what it stands for.
The officer then removes his mirror sunglasses, gets in the middle of the guys face and says, "That's so when we go to court, I'll remember you're an A**Hole!"
Three months later they are in court. The "Violator" has such a bad record he is about to lose his license and has hired an attorney to represent him. On the stand the officer testifies to seeing the man run the red light. Under cross examination the defense attorney asks the Officer, "Is this a reasonable facsimile of the citation you issued my client?
The Officer responds, "Yes sir, this is the defendants copy, his signature and mine, same number at the top.
Attorney: "Officer is there any particular marking or notation on this citation you don't normally make?
Officer: "Yes sir, in the lower right corner of the narrative there is an "AH, underlined."
Attorney: "What does the AH stand for, officer"?
Officer: "Aggressive and Hostile Sir"
Attorney: Aggressive and Hostile"?
Officer: "Yes Sir?
Attorney: "Officer... Are you sure it doesn't stand for A**hole?"
Officer: "Well Sir, You know your client better than I do.”
------------------------
Finally, the following are a sampling of REAL answers received on exams given by the California Department of Transportation’s driving school (read Saturday Traffic School for moving violation offenders.)
Q: Do you yield when a blind pedestrian is crossing the road?
A: What for? He can’t see my license plate.
Q: Who has the right of way when four cars approach a four-way stop at the same time?
A: The pickup truck with the gun rack and the bumper sticker saying, “Guns don’t kill people, I do.”
Q: When driving through fog, what should you use?
A: Your car.
Q: What problems would you face if you were arrested for drunk driving?
A: I’d probably lose my buzz a lot faster.
Q: What changes would occur in your lifestyle if you could no longer drive lawfully?
A: I would be forced to drive unlawfully.
Q: What are some points to remember when passing or being passed?
A: Make eye contact and wave “Hello” if he/she is cute.
Q: What is the difference between a flashing red traffic light and a flashing yellow traffic light?
A: The color.
Q: How do you deal with heavy traffic?
A: Heavy psychedelics.
Q: What can you do to help ease a heavy traffic problem?
A: Carry loaded weapons.
*********************************
A grumpy old lawyer was driving when he saw the flash of a traffic camera.
He figured that his picture had been taken for exceeding the limit even though he knew that he was not speeding.
Just to be sure, he went around the block and passed the same spot, driving even more slowly, but again the camera flashed. Now he began to think that this was quite funny, so he drove even slower as he passed the area once more, but the traffic camera again flashed. He tried a fourth and fifth time with the same results and was now laughing as the camera flashed while he rolled past at a snail's pace.
Two weeks later, he got five tickets in the mail for driving without a seat belt.
++++++++++++++++
As a tribute to the Super Bowl Halftime show:
1st Officer: "Guess who I pulled over in a traffic stop the other day?"
2nd Officer: "Who?"
1st Officer: "Janet Jackson!"
2nd Officer: "What she do, was she speeding?"
1st Officer: "Nah, she had one headlight out."
---------------------------------
"Hey, I am going pretty fast," asked the brunette at the wheel, "see any cops following us?"
The blonde turned around for a long look. "As a matter of fact, I do."
"Oh, NOOOO!" yelled the brunette. "Are his flashers on?"
The blonde turned around again. "Yup...nope...yup...nope...yup..."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A Canadian driving around in Arkansas stopped to ask directions to his hotel.
The man he asked replied “Just drive down this road about 5 miles and then turn left at the Stop ‘n Go.”
He drove 5 miles, then 6, then 7. At about 10 miles down he stopped for directions again.
That man replied, “Just go back down this road about 5 miles and turn right at the Stop ‘n Go”
He headed out again but still had no luck. When he got back to where he had started he stopped again. When he asked for directions again the answer was exactly the same. This time he asked, “Could you describe the Stop ‘n Go for me?”
The man gave him a funny look and said “It’s on a pole. It’s got a red light on the top, a green light on the bottom....”
………………….
Two rednecks, Bubba and Earl, were driving down the road drinking a couple of bottles of Bud.
The passenger, Bubba, said "Lookey thar up ahead, Earl, it's a police roadblock!! We're gonna get busted fer drinkin' these here beers!!"
"Don't worry, Bubba," Earl said. "We'll just pull over and finish drinkin' these beers then peel off the label and stick it on our foreheads, and throw the bottles under the seat."
"What fer?” asked Bubba.
"Just let me do the talkin', OK?," said Earl.
Well, they finished their beers, threw the empties out of sight & put label on each of their foreheads.
When they reached the roadblock, the sheriff said, "You boys been drinkin'?"
"No, sir," said Earl while pointing at the labels. "We're on the patch."
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
A motorcycle officer stops a man for running a red light. The guy is a real jerk and comes running back to the motor officer. The violator demands to know why he is being harassed by the Gestapo!
So the officer calmly tells him of the red light violation.
The "Motorist" instantly goes on a tirade, questioning the officer's ancestry, sexual orientation, and work habits all in rather explicit terms.
The officer, being a professional, takes it all in stride.
The tirade goes on without the cop saying anything. When he finishes writing the citation he puts an "AH" in the lower right corner of the narrative portion of the citation. He then hands it to the "Violator" for his signature.
The guy signs the citation angrily, tearing the paper, and when presented his copy points to the "AH" and demands to know what it stands for.
The officer then removes his mirror sunglasses, gets in the middle of the guys face and says, "That's so when we go to court, I'll remember you're an A**Hole!"
Three months later they are in court. The "Violator" has such a bad record he is about to lose his license and has hired an attorney to represent him. On the stand the officer testifies to seeing the man run the red light. Under cross examination the defense attorney asks the Officer, "Is this a reasonable facsimile of the citation you issued my client?
The Officer responds, "Yes sir, this is the defendants copy, his signature and mine, same number at the top.
Attorney: "Officer is there any particular marking or notation on this citation you don't normally make?
Officer: "Yes sir, in the lower right corner of the narrative there is an "AH, underlined."
Attorney: "What does the AH stand for, officer"?
Officer: "Aggressive and Hostile Sir"
Attorney: Aggressive and Hostile"?
Officer: "Yes Sir?
Attorney: "Officer... Are you sure it doesn't stand for A**hole?"
Officer: "Well Sir, You know your client better than I do.”
------------------------
Finally, the following are a sampling of REAL answers received on exams given by the California Department of Transportation’s driving school (read Saturday Traffic School for moving violation offenders.)
Q: Do you yield when a blind pedestrian is crossing the road?
A: What for? He can’t see my license plate.
Q: Who has the right of way when four cars approach a four-way stop at the same time?
A: The pickup truck with the gun rack and the bumper sticker saying, “Guns don’t kill people, I do.”
Q: When driving through fog, what should you use?
A: Your car.
Q: What problems would you face if you were arrested for drunk driving?
A: I’d probably lose my buzz a lot faster.
Q: What changes would occur in your lifestyle if you could no longer drive lawfully?
A: I would be forced to drive unlawfully.
Q: What are some points to remember when passing or being passed?
A: Make eye contact and wave “Hello” if he/she is cute.
Q: What is the difference between a flashing red traffic light and a flashing yellow traffic light?
A: The color.
Q: How do you deal with heavy traffic?
A: Heavy psychedelics.
Q: What can you do to help ease a heavy traffic problem?
A: Carry loaded weapons.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)