PETA, bring me the Letter JOW #1046

I thought I would use the organization People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals, PETA, as my theme this week.  Make no mistake, I believe in treating animals well, but PETA makes an easy target with their extreme positions and self-righteous posturing.  No, eating animals is not murder.  My thought is that if God didn’t want us to eat animals he wouldn’t have made them out of meat.  And did you ever notice that PETA protests against skinny models in furs but not bikers in leather jackets?

 

My friend Dante was a big PETA supporter, but suddenly stopped his support for them.

Dante’s in fur now.

 

What do you get when you combine flour, water, sugar, salt, yeast, and animal abuse?

PETA bread.

 

What do you call an animal rights' activist that never grows old?

PETA Pan

 

How many PETA activists does it take to change a light bulb?

None.  PETA can’t change anything.

 

I baked some Animal Crackers out of PETA bread.

 

You are not fun to play golf with when I shoot a birdie and crack a cold one, and you call PETA.

 

Scientists have recently come under criticism from PETA for using rats in research. Rats were used in earlier days of research because people didn't really care that rats suffered. PETA is now trying to convince science to use the politicians instead.

A baby seal walks into a bar.
Bartender: What can I get ya?
Baby seal: Anything but a Canadian Club.

 

I like to reuse vegetables.  I call them re-vegs.  I serve them right out of the refrigerator because re-veg is a dish best served cold.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A PETA activist visits a small ranch in Montana

After meeting the farmhands and inspecting the facilities, the activist asks the rancher:

“So, what do you give to the pigs to eat?”

“Well, pigs don’t need much to live. I give them scraps and food from the fridge that is almost spoilt, that sort of thing.”

“That’s a grave violation of animal rights. You are abusing those poor animals. I’m filing a complaint so you will be fined!”

After some weeks a UN ambassador visits the ranch. After checking the facilities and meeting the farmhands, the man asks the rancher:

“What do you feed the pigs?”

This time, the rancher is better prepared:

“The best food around here, eggs, fresh vegetables, whole milk…”

“What! Such a waste of food! There are children in this very country that suffer from hunger while you give full meals to pigs! I’m reporting on you so you will be fined!”

A month passes and a man visits the ranch.

After visiting the facilities and greeting the farmhands he asks the rancher:

“What kind of food do you give to the pigs?”

“Look here, man, every morning I give each one $5 and they can go and eat whatever they want.”

>>>>>>>>>>>>> 

The little boy moved from Texas to California.  He immediately got into trouble when his teacher asked him what his favorite animal was.

“Fried chicken.”  Everybody in class laughed except the teacher.  She tried to explain that people needed to treat animals ethically.

“So what is your favorite live animal?”

“Chickens.”

“Why?”

“Because you can make them into fried chicken.”

That got the little boy sent to the office. The principle explained to the boy that his teach was a member of PETA and did not like people eating meat.  The little boy promised not to agitate his teacher any more.

The next day the teacher asked the little boy who was the person he admired most.

“Colonel Sanders.”

 

Some off-topic jokes

I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes.  Now I have Heinzsight.

`````

What’s the best way to cook an alligator?  In a croc pot.

=====

I was at the monastery when I saw a man frying chips.

I asked him, “Are you the friar?”

“NO,” he replied, “I am the chip monk.”

^^^^^^

Two hunters pull up to a house to ask a farmer for permission to hunt his land.

When they pull up, one of the hunters walks up to the house and talks to the farmer.

After the hunter asks the question, the farmer says, “I don’t mind at all, but I have a favor to ask of you”

“What do you need?” inquires the hunter.

“You see that old bull over in the pasture?” the farmer says, “Well he’s an ornery sumbitch and he’s beyond breeding age and I’ve been meaning to put him down, but I just don’t have the heart to do it.  So I’ll tell you what; you take care of him on your way out and you can hunt on my land for as long as I live.”

The hunter agrees, and walks back to the truck, but decides on the way to play a little trick on his friend.

As he opens the truck door he says with a growl, “That no good old bastard said no, and on top of that he cussed me out for asking”.

“Well that sucks…” says his friend.

“No! You know what? I’m gonna show him!” He says taking up his rifle.

His friend looks over at him with a shocked and questioning expression.

“I’m gonna shoot one of his cows!  That’ll show him”, he says and raised his rifle with a grin.  He sights in the bull and as he pulls the trigger he hears a second report seconds after his own.  He quickly looks over to his friend who is also shouldering a rifle.

His friend shouts “I got one too! Let’s get the hell out of here!”

And finally

To the surprise and relief of many Americans, the Washington Redskins will apparently drop their politically sensitive name   in 2019.

 Dan Snyder, owner of the NFL Washington   Redskins, announced yesterday the organization is dropping "Washington" from the franchise name, which, beginning with the 2019 pre-season, will be simply known as "The Redskins". Snyder stated in his surprise announcement (he finds) the word "Washington" imparts a negative image of poor leadership, mismanagement, corruption, cheating, lying, and graft, and does not conjure up a suitable image for young fans of football.

 

 

 

It all adds up JOW #1045

 If you go back you can find people who commented in December that the year 2019 had been just a horrible year.  Yeah, think of what they’re gonna say when we finally end 2020.  I mean, on top of everything else, we have two hurricanes in the Gulf at the same time.  The odds of that happening in a normal year are about the same as the Houston Texans winning the Super Bowl.  All that got me thinking about odds and math. 

So here are some math jokes:  If you understand them you probably don’t have many friends.

++++++

The problem with math puns is that calculus jokes are all derivative, trigonometry jokes are too graphic, algebra jokes are usually formulaic, and arithmetic jokes are pretty basic.

But I guess the occasional statistics joke is an outlier.

_______

Rioting mathematicians are pulling people from their cars and asking them really hard word problems.

========

The number 13 was complaining that he was the worst number.

Then number 666 said that he was the worst.

And number 2020 just laughed and laughed.

++++

If 666 is evil then the root of all evil is 25.8069.

…….

“Two copies of Math for Dummies at $16.99 each,” said the cashier at the bookstore to her customer.  “That will be $50.”

****

An engineer thinks that his equations are an approximation to reality. A physicist thinks reality is an approximation to his equations. A mathematician doesn't care. 

 

A statistician drowned in a river that was three feet deep - on average.

 

How does a short mathematician count the horses in a corral?  He counts legs and divides by four.

 

How can you tell you are in the hands of the mathematical mafia?  They make you an offer you can’t understand.

 

Old mathematicians never die; they just lose some of their functions. 

 

·         Mathematicians are like Frenchmen: whatever you say to them, they translate it into their own language, and forthwith it means something entirely different. -- Goethe 

·         A topologist is a person who doesn't know the difference between a coffee cup and a doughnut. 

·         Philosophy is a game with objectives and no rules.   Mathematics is a game with rules and no objectives. 

 

A mathematician, a physicist, an engineer went again to the races and laid their money down. Commiserating in the bar after the race, the engineer says, "I don't understand why I lost all my money. I measured all the horses and calculated their strength and mechanical advantage and figured out how fast they could run..."

The physicist interrupted him: "...but you didn't take individual variations into account. I did a statistical analysis of their previous performances and bet on the horses with the highest probability of winning..."

"...so if you're so hot why are you broke?" asked the engineer. But before the argument can grow, the mathematician buys them all drinks and they get a glimpse of his well-fattened wallet. Obviously here was a man who knows something about horses. They both demanded to know his secret.

"Well," he says, "first I assumed all the horses were identical and spherical..." 

^^^^^^^^

Two scientists were talking about how when you drop a piece of toast it always falls butter side down.

One scientist disputed the idea and dropped a piece of toast which landed butter side up.

“See, it’s not true.”

“It is.  You buttered the wrong side.”

Let me shift my humor gears

What do you give a person who has everything?  Broad-spectrum antibiotics.

 

People say that money is not the key to happiness.  I say if you have enough money you can have a key made.

 

First, the doctor gave me the good news.  I’m going to have a disease named after me.

 

Finally here are some lawyer jokes – what were the odds of that?

A lawyer's dog, running about unleashed, beelines for a butcher shop and steals a roast.
Butcher goes to lawyer's office and asks, "If a dog running unleashed steals a piece of meat from my store, do I have a right to demand payment for the meat from the dog's owner?"
The lawyer answers, "Absolutely."
"Then you owe me $18.50. Your dog was loose and stole a roast from me today."
The lawyer, without a word, writes the butcher a check for $18.50.
In a few days, the butcher opens the mail and finds an envelope from the lawyer: $50 due for a consultation.

----------

Two small boys met during their first day at school. "My name is Billy. What's yours?" asked the first boy.
"Tommy," replied the second.
"My daddy is an accountant. What does your daddy do for a living?" asked Billy.
Tommy replied, "My daddy is a lawyer."
"Honest?" asked Billy.
"No, just the normal kind," replied Tommy.

 

The United Way realized that it had never received a donation from the city's most successful lawyer. So a United Way volunteer paid the lawyer a visit in his lavish office.
The volunteer opened the meeting by saying, "Our research shows that even though your annual income is over two million dollars, you don't give a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give something back to your community through the United Way?"
The lawyer thinks for a minute and says, "First, did your research also show you that my mother is dying after a long, painful illness and she has huge medical bills that are far beyond her ability to pay?"

 Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbles, "Uh . . . no, I didn't know that."
"Secondly," says the lawyer, "did it show that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair and is unable to support his wife and six children?"
The stricken United Way rep begins to stammer an apology, but is cut off again.
"Thirdly, did your research also show you that my sister's husband died in a dreadful car accident, leaving her penniless with a mortgage and three children, one of whom is disabled and another who has learning disabilities requiring an array of private tutors?"
The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, says, "I'm so sorry, I had no idea."
And the lawyer says, "So .. . . if I didn't give any money to them, what makes you think I'd give any to you?"

 

 

 

 

Another Dog Day JOW #1044

The days of mid-August are called the Dog Days, named after the Dog Star, Sirius.  These are considered the hottest, most miserable days of the year.  In my mind, the dog days of August are only good if they are chili cheese dogs.  Every year at this time I do dog-themed jokes of the week.  Recently I got my dogs collars with their names on them.  Yes, my high-tech dogs have collar I.D.

Before I begin with the dog jokes, I have one Covid joke and one hot weather observation.

 

Mike has decided that fencing is the perfect Covid 19 sport.  Everybody wears masks and gloves and if anyone gets too close you stab them.

 

Mary reminded me that the seasons in east Texas are:

Winter

Spring

Summer

Summer

Still summer

Hell’s anteroom

Still summer

Fal… Nope – still summer

Fall-ish

Summer again

Finally - Fall

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The real reason why old dogs can’t learn new tricks is because they end up eating all their homework from obedience school.

 

Why do dogs always race to the door when the doorbell rings? It’s hardly ever for them.

 

My wife and I began to long for the pitter-patter of little feet, so we got a dog. It’s cheaper, and you get more feet. 

 

For a long time, my baseball coach wanted to recruit my dog to the team. I guess it was because my dog always got walked.

 

Be aware that if you buy a dog from a blacksmith, as soon as he gets to the home he’ll make a bolt for the door.

 

Rodney Dangerfield dog jokes:

·         The other day I looked up my family tree.  A dog was peeing on it.

·         People say my dog and I look alike.  When he heard that he ran away.

·         I tell ya, my dog is lazy. He don't chase cars. He sits on the curb and takes down license plate numbers.

^^^^

Two dog owners are arguing about whose pet is smarter. “My dog is so smart,” says the first owner, “that every morning he goes to the store and buys me a sesame seed bagel with chive cream cheese, stops off at Starbucks and picks me up a mocha latte, and then comes home and turns on ESPN, all before I get out of bed.”

“I know,” says the second owner. 

“How do you know?” the first demands.

“My dog told me.”

>>>>>>> 

Two racehorses are in a stable. One says to the other, “You know, before that last race …”

“The one that you won?” asks the other horse.

“Yeah, before that race, I felt a pinch in my hindquarters.” The other horse says,

“Funny, I felt a pinch in my hindquarters before the race that I won.”

A dog walking by says, “You idiots, you’re being doped. They’re injecting you with a drug to make you faster!”

The first horse turns to the other and says, “Hey, a talking dog!”

Dog riddles

Q: How are a dog and a marine biologist alike? A: One wags a tail and the other tags a whale.

 

Q: What do you get when you have a dog with an abacus? A: A friend you can count on.

 

Q: How do dog catchers get paid? A: By the pound.

>>>>>>> 

"For sale: Eight puppies from a German shepherd and an Alaskan hussy."

--------

A Canadian psychologist is selling a video that teaches you how to test your dog's IQ. Here’s how it works: If you spend $12.99 for the video, your dog is smarter than you.

A doggie medical story

When our dog lapped up anti-freeze, the veterinarian ordered a unique treatment: an IV drip mixing fluids with vodka. "Go buy the cheapest bottle you can find," he told me. At the liquor store, I was uneasy buying cheap booze so early in the day, and I felt compelled to explain things to the clerk. "Believe it or not," I said, "this is for a sick dog."

As I was leaving, the next customer plunked down two bottles of muscatel and announced, "These are for my cats."

========

The dogs next door get a little noisy, so one day somebody called animal control to complain. When the officers arrived, I heard my neighbor tell them, "Hey, dogs bark. It's human nature."

____________

 A dog walks into a job center, walks up to the receptionist and says. “I’m looking for a job.”

 ‘Wow, a talking dog,’ says the clerk. ‘With your talent I’m sure we can find you a gig in the circus.’

‘The circus?’ says the dog. ‘What does a circus want with a plumber?

And finally, one of my favorite jokes.

A drunk staggers into a bar followed by a nondescript dog.

“Hey,” shouted the barkeep, “get that dog out of here.”

“Wait,” objected the drunk as he plopped on one of the barstools “This dog can talk.”

“Get out of here.”

“No, really.  Let me prove it.  I will ask him a question and the dog will answer.  Watch.”  The dog hopped on to the stool next to him and looked at his tipsy master.  As the large bartender glowered he drunk concentrated and then turned to the dog.  “Dog, what is on top of a house?”

“Roof.”

The bartender was not amused, and prepared to eject the drunk and his dog.

“Wait, that was too easy,” protested the drunk.  “Let me try again.  Dog, how does sandpaper feel?”

“Ruff.”

The bartender is getting pretty steamed by now but the drunk puts him off with one more question.  “Dog, who was the greatest baseball player that ever lived?”

“Ruth.”

The barkeep was not amused. He grabbed the man by seat of his pants and threw him out onto the street.  The drunk pulled himself up and sat on the curb.  The dog trotted out of the bar and sat beside him.

The man looked at the dog.  The dog looked at the man.  The dog said, “DiMaggio?” 

 

 

Weak Shark JOW #1043

Every summer since 1988, the Discovery Channel puts on Shark Week.  Yes, it has been that long.  Sharks are a big hit with the viewer; you might even call them star fish.  The public loves them.  And, really, sharks are the ocean’s most misunderstood creatures. Anything with a smile that big, and lifeless beady little eyes can’t possibly mean any harm, right?  Just remember, you’ll never need a bigger boat if you don’t go to the ocean.  All this gave me a theme for my jokes of the week.

~~~~~

A shark, crocodile, and a giant spider walk into a bar.  There’s no punchline, it’s just a normal day in Australia.

^^^^^

Researchers saw a shark swimming by itself in the ocean.  They tried to lure it with some chum, but it did not seem interested and just swam away.
I guess it was that rare species: a low-interest lone shark.

>>>>> 

Upon eating a clownfish, one shark was heard to remark to a fellow shark, "This tastes funny."

<<<<< 

If you thought swimming with dolphins was expensive, you should try swimming with sharks.

It can cost you an arm and a leg!

Shark Riddles.

Q. What’s a shark’s favorite science fiction TV show?

A. Shark Trek

Q. What do you get when you cross a shark with a snowman?

A. Frostbite

Q: What kind of shark appears threatening but is actually ineffectual

A: A paper tiger shark.

Here is a West Side Story riddle. 

Q: Why do sharks live in the ocean and not the sky
A: The sky is Jet territory.

++++++++++

Little known fact: sharks will not eat an injured seal.  They know that you “Do not consume if seal is broken.”

^^^^^^

The other day a blonde was at the beach when she saw a guy in the sea flailing about and shouting "Help, shark! Help, shark!"

‘Silly man,” she said, ‘asking the shark for help; he should call the lifeguard instead.’

^^^^^^^

Once upon a time, a man named Pete was walking down the harbor when he saw two fishermen. He always wanted to go fishing so he goes up to them to ask.

Pete has a stutter though so he goes " h-he-hello guys would y-you you mind if i come f-f-fi-fishing with you?"
They look at each other and decide that "yes you can come, but be quiet, we don't want you to scare away the fish". So Pete gets in the boat and they go out into the sea.
All goes well, Pete is having fun, the fishermen are getting fish, it’s like a dream come true.
Suddenly behind them appears a huge ship, getting closer and closer.
The fishermen don't notice but Pete does and he goes "G-G-Guys"
"SHHHH you'll scare the fish away"
"B-B-BUT THERE'S A SH-SH-SH.."
"SHHHHHH Keep quiet"
The ship crashes onto them, they start sinking but the ship captain thankfully notices and saves them just in time
A few months go by.
Pete walks down the harbor again and sees the fishermen. He goes up to them and they have a small chat. He asks if they could take him into the sea again for another fishing trip and they agreed with one condition.
"If you see a ship TELL US FAST this time!"
So they go out into the sea again, time passes, fishes get caught, everyone is happy again.
But Pete suddenly goes
"G-G-GUYS A SH-SH-SH.."
The fishermen don't even wait for Pete to finish, in panic they jump into the water and start swimming.
Pete goes "SH-SHARKS YOU IDIOTS"

Finally a sort-of sea story:

A disheveled man with a tiny little head walks into a bar.

After a few drinks he starts to relax, so the curious bartender feels comfortable enough to inquire about the man's tiny noggin.
"Sorry to be intrusive, but how did you end up with such a tiny head?" Asks the bartender.
The man replies: "I was the captain vessel cruising the Pacific when my ship took on water. We sunk in mere minutes. After a long night bobbing in shark infested waters, I washed up on the shore of an uninhabited island."
"After six months of surviving on coconuts and mussels, I started to wish that I had died with the rest of my crew. Just then, I saw a beautiful woman sun-bathing on the beach."
"Help! I cried out to her, only for her to roll down the beach and into the surf. To my surprise, she started swimming in my direction. Upon her arrival, I was shocked to see she was an actual mermaid!"
"A magical mermaid, in fact. She said she could grant me three wishes. My first wish was for a new boat so I could sail home, and *POOF!* new boat. My second wish was for 10 million dollars, and *POOF!* my pockets were bursting with cash."
"After two granted wishes, I had all I could ever need. I figured I'd have some fun with my last wish. I had been lonely and sex deprived for months, so I asked to have sex with the mermaid."
"The mermaid told me that sex with her would be impossible, as she is all fish parts from the waist down."
"Disappointed, I asked the mermaid: Can I get a little head?"
*POOF!*

 

Covid Redux JOW #1042

First, I want to let all of you know that there is an email going around offering processed pork, gelatin and salt in a can.  Do not open it.  It is Spam.  I am back to Covid 19 jokes again.  Why is it 19?  Were we just not paying attention to Covids 1-18?

Dick sent me some very useful new terms for these crazy times.

Some new quarantine vocabulary:

Coronacoaster
The ups and downs of your mood during the pandemic. You’re loving lockdown one minute but suddenly weepy with anxiety the next. It truly is “an emotional coronacoaster”.

Quarantinis
Experimental cocktails mixed from whatever random ingredients you have left in the house. The boozy equivalent of a store cupboard supper. A Southern Comfort and scotch quarantini with a glacé cherry garnish, anyone? These are sipped at “locktail hour”, ie. wine o’clock during lockdown, which seems to be creeping earlier with each passing week.

 Blue Skype thinking
A work brainstorming session which takes place over a videoconferencing app. Such meetings might also be termed a ”Zoomposium” . Naturally, they are to be avoided if at all possible.

 Coronials
As opposed to millennials, this refers to the future generation of babies conceived or born during coronavirus quarantine. They might also become known as “Generation C” or, more spookily, “Children of the Quarn”.

 Furlough Merlot
Wine consumed in an attempt to relieve the frustration of not working. Also known as “bored-eaux” or “cabernet tedium”.

 Coronadose
An overdose of bad news from consuming too much media during a time of crisis. Can result in a panicdemic.

The elephant in the Zoom
The glaring issue during a videoconferencing call that nobody feels able to mention. E.g. one participant has dramatically put on weight, suddenly sprouted terrible facial hair or has a worryingly messy house visible in the background.

Quentin Quarantino
An attention-seeker using their time in lockdown to make amateur films which they’re convinced are funnier and cleverer than they actually are.

 Covidiot
One who ignores public health advice or behaves with reckless disregard for the safety of others can be said to display “covidiocy” or be “covidiotic”. Also called a “lockclown”.

 Goutbreak
The sudden fear that you’ve consumed so much wine, cheese, home-made cake and Easter chocolate in lockdown that your ankles are swelling up like a medieval king’s.

Antisocial distancing
Using health precautions as an excuse for snubbing neighbors and generally ignoring people you find irritating.

 Coughin’ dodger
Someone so alarmed by an innocuous splutter or throat-clear that they back away in terror.

 Mask-ara
Extra make-up applied to "make one's eyes pop" before venturing out in public wearing a face mask.

 Covid-10
The 10lbs in weight that we’re all gaining from comfort-eating and comfort-drinking. Also known as “fattening the curve”.

Enough with the virus humor

“Welcome to Plastic Surgery Addict Anonymous.  I see a lot of new faces here today, and frankly, I’m disappointed.”

=======

Adulatory is a sin.  You can’t have your Kate and Edith too.

~~~~

Adult to child: “What’s the magic words that get you what you want?”

Child" “I’m Offended”

------

Ladies – Husbands are the best people to share secrets with.  They will never reveal you secrets to anyone because they aren’t listening.

<<<<
Wouldn’t it be ironic if Popeye’s Chicken was fried in Olive oil?

>>>>.

They asked me for a stool sample.  So I got one at the furniture store.

….

As the man was getting in to be she said to him, “You’re drunk.”

“How do you know?”

“Because you live next door.”

I did a tooth fairy joke last week.  Here is another one.

Dear Donovan,

I tried to come in and get your tooth but there were so many toys on your floor I tripped and fell.  I am going to come back tonight for your tooth.  Please make sure your room is clean so I won’t hurt myself again.   Signed, The Tooth Fairy.

Which reminded me of more kid humor

The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture. "Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer, she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, He's a doctor.' A small voice at the back of the room rang out, "And there's the teacher, she's dead."

*****

A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, "Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face."

"Yes," the class said.

"Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my feet?"

A little fellow shouted, "Cause your feet ain't empty."

Two quick bit of Jewish humor.

If the rich could hire the poor to die for them, the poor would make a very nice living. - Yiddish saying

A Jewish woman goes to see her Rabbi and asks, “Maurice and Abe are both in love with me; who will be the lucky one?”

The wise old Rabbi answers, “Maurice will marry you. Abe will be the lucky one.

And finally one for Don.

Dying With Dignity
I have already informed my family that   I will not be able to afford an expensive nursing home which would allow me to die poor and very old.  I have therefore moved   to Costa Rica so that I can spend my final years enjoying life, and dying with Dignity.  Oh, by the way, Dignity turns 24 this week.