Their goes you're JOW #833

I confess that I had a grammar typo in my write up last week.  I typed ‘there’ instead of ‘their’.  As a published author, grammar and punctuation are important to me.  Maybe I am becoming a typochondriac.  But then, every time I make a typo the errorists win. 

I really deplore the tendency for Millennials to take spelling shortcuts such as ‘u’ for ‘you’ or ‘r’ for ‘are’.  And it is ‘before’, not ‘B4’ -you should speak English, not Bingo.  As one Millennial put it to me ‘You get the meaning.’  Yes, it means ‘u r lazy’ – and functionally illiterate. And whenever someone posts ‘to funny’ I immediate picture them leaving on a quest to find the land of Funny.  I saw a bumper sticker that stated “If your living here learn English.” And learn it correctly, too. 

Perhaps I am such a stickler because I had problems with spelling and grammar as a kid.  I remember a teacher that taught me in spelling the rhyme, ‘I before E except after C’ which made spelling hard when I tried to write about a ‘feisty heist on weird foreign neighbors’

I am not a full-up grammar Nazi.  For example, I do not order my eggs over easily.  Nor did I comment on our great grandfather’s tombstone which reads “He died loving the cause he fought for” by commenting that “His epitaph ends in a preposition.” That was Martha. 

Some word pet peeves –

‘Literally’ means something actually happened, not that it figuratively happened.

‘Nonplus’ does not mean what you think it does.

‘Affect’ is a verb.  ‘Effect’ is a noun.

‘Loose’ and ‘lose’ are two different words.

When someone says “I’m doing good,” I want to say, “No, Superman does good.  You are doing well.”

When I see a sign that says ‘This door is alarmed I wonder what startled it.”

Al Yankovic wanted to start a toy store that taught proper grammar to kids – Toys are We.

Dear girls, we hate periods, too.  Sincerely, commas.

And remember, practice safe text, and you never miss a period.

‘Well done steak; is not the same as ‘Well done, steak.’

And punctuation can save lives.  Consider these two examples:

Let’s eat grandma.

We are going to learn to cut and paste kids.

>>>>>>>>>> 

Please give me two pronouns.

“Who, me?”

<<<<<<<<<<< 

Tense, moody, irregular?  Why you must be a verb.

This exchange was overheard and misunderstood throughout the age of pirates

“The cannons be ready Captain Mike.”

“Are.”

Here is a story from Chuck on getting older.

$5.37! 
That's what the kid behind the counter at Taco Bell said to me. 
I dug into my pocket and pulled out some lint and two dimes and something that used to be a Jolly Rancher. Having already handed the kid a five-spot, I started to head back out to the truck to grab some change when the kid with the Elmo hairdo said the meanest thing anyone has ever said to me.  He said, "It's OK. I'll just give you the senior citizen discount."  I turned to see who he was talking to and then heard the sound of change hitting the counter in front of me. "Only $4.68"he said cheerfully.

 I stood there stupefied. I am 56, not even 60 yet!
A mere child! 
Senior citizen?

 I took my burrito and walked out to the truck wondering what was wrong with Elmo. 
Was he blind? 
As I sat in the truck, my blood began to boil. 
Old? Me?

 I'll show him, I thought. I opened the door and headed back inside. I strode to the counter, and there he was waiting with a smile.

 Before I could say a word, he held up something and jingled it in front of me, like I could be that easily distracted! 
What am I now? A toddler?

"Dude! Can't get too far without your car keys, eh?" 
I stared with utter disdain at the keys.  I began to rationalize in my mind!

"Leaving keys behind hardly makes a man elderly! 
It could happen to anyone!"

I turned and headed back to the truck. I slipped the key into the ignition, but it wouldn't turn. 
What now? I checked my keys and tried another. Still nothing.

 That's when I noticed the purple beads hanging from my rear view mirror. I had no purple beads hanging from my rear view mirror.  Then, a few other objects came into focus: 
The car seat in the back seat. Happy Meal toys spread all over the floorboard. A partially eaten dough nut on the dashboard.

 Faster than you can say ginkgo biloba, I flew out of the alien vehicle.  Moments later I was speeding out of the parking lot, relieved to finally be leaving this nightmarish stop in my life. 
That is when I felt it, deep in the bowels of my stomach: hunger!  My stomach growled and churned, and I reached to grab my burrito, only it was nowhere to be found.

I swung the truck around, gathered my courage, and strode back into the restaurant one final time. There Elmo stood, draped in youth and black nail polish. All I could think was, "What is the world coming to?"  All I could say was, "Did I leave my food and drink in here"? .

 Elmo had no clue. I walked back out to the truck, and suddenly a young lad came up and tugged on my jeans to get my attention. He was holding up a drink and a bag. 
His mother explained, "I think you left this in my truck by mistake."

 I took the food and drink from the little boy and sheepishly apologized.

 She offered these kind words: 
"It's OK. My grandfather does stuff like this all the time."

  As I walked in the front door, my wife met me halfway down the hall. I handed her a bag of cold food. I promptly sat in my rocking chair and covered up my legs with a blankey.

 The good news was that I had successfully found my way home.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Finally, remember, use proper punctuation.  It is the difference between knowing your shit and knowing you’re shit.  Admit. It. This. Took. You. Much. Longer. To. Read. Than. It. Should. Have.

A final example –

This sentence - ‘A woman without her man is useless.’ Changes dramatically with punctuation.

A woman, without her man, is useless.

A woman; without her, man is useless.

Debatable JOW #832

I am often reminded that there are only ‘X’ days until the Presidential Debates.  This is a good and useful warning so that I will have time to get back out somewhere where I cannot pick up any television, radio, or the internet, only emerging after the pundits have finished their babbling over who ‘won’ the debate.  One thing for sure, each side will be absolutely convinced that there candidate came out on top, even if one of them drops dead on the stage.  They should hold the event in a farm state where the copious quantities of manure generated could be put to good use.   I used to be on the debate team in high school.  Then I learned the meaning of the word ‘sophistry’ and immediately shifted to extemporaneous speaking – which proved useful.

Below are a few bits of humor for his week.

Here are some important facts to keep in mind as you age.

·         Don’t worry about old age – it doesn’t last all that long.

·         Death is the number one killer in the world.

·         Life is sexually transmitted.

·         Longevity is merely the slowest rate at which you can die.

·         Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in the hospital, dying of nothing.

·         In the ‘60’s we took acid to make the world weird.  Now we are in our 60’s we take Prozac to make it seem normal.

A police officer on patrol noticed a car swerving all over the road.  He turned on his lights and pulled the guy over.

“Sir, you know you were weaving all over the road.  Please step out of the car.  Now, walk down this line.”

“I’d be happy to, officer.” replied the drunk.  “Can you get that line to stop moving?”

 ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The only cow in a small Iowa farm died of old age.  The family did some research and discovered they could get a cow just across the state line in Wisconsin for only $500.

They bought the cow and things worked out very well; the cow had a sweet temperament and gave lots of milk.  They were so happy they decided to rent the services of a bull so they could have more cows like her.

However, when the bull was put into the pasture with their cow there was a problem.  Whenever the bull would come close the cow would move away.  No matter what approach the bull tried the cow thwarted him.  They were so concerned that a vet was called.

They explained the problem – ‘when he comes to her she avoids him by dodging and moving away.  We don’t know why she won’t let him do what comes naturally.’

The vet pondered the problem for a moment and then asked, “Do you buy a cow from Wisconsin?”

“You are amazing,” they replied.  “How did you know we got the cow from Wisconsin?”

The vet got a haunted look in his eyes, “My wife is from Wisconsin.”

+++++++++++++++++++++

A girl was writing a paper for school and came to her father for help.

“Dad, what is the difference between annoyance, anger and exasperation?”

“It’s mostly a matter of degree.  Let me show you what I mean.  Listen in on this call.”

Taking their old rotary dial phone he dialed a random local number.  When the man answered he asked, “Hello, is Melvin there?”

“There is no one living here named Melvin.  Be more careful when you dial numbers.”

“See”, the father said to his daughter.  He was probably busy and we annoyed him.  Now watch.”

The father dialed the same number again and said, “Hello, is Melvin there?”

“Now look here!” came the heated reply, you just called this number and I told you there is no Melvin here.  Don’t call this number again.”  And he slammed down the receiver.

The father turned to his daughter again and said, “Now that was anger.  Now let me show you what exasperation means.”

He dialed the same number again.  “HELLO” the man answered.

In a calm voice the father said, “Yes, hello.  This is Melvin.  Have there been any calls for me?”

_____________

A man is bemoaning his fate to the bartender.  “It was terrible.  I was away on a business trip.  I emailed my wife that I was coming home early.  When I got home I found her in bed with my best friend.  How could she do this to me?”

“Well,” said the wise old bartender.  “Maybe she didn’t check her email.”

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

A crow would sit in a tree and do nothing all day.  One day a rabbit saw the crow and asked him, “Can I sit around and do nothing all day like you do?”

“Sure, why not?” replied the crow.

So the rabbit sat on the ground doing nothing all day.  All of a sudden a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate him up.”

The moral of the story:  If you want to sit on your ass and do nothing you must be sitting very high up.

Here is a variation of an old joke.

“How do you want your tofu hot dog?” the philosophical vender asked the Zen Master.

“Make me one with everything,” the Buddhist replied.

After getting his dog the Buddhist handed the vendor a $20.  The vendor pocketed the bill and began helping the next customer.

“Where is my change?” asked the Buddhist.

“Change comes from with,” replied the philosophical hotdog vendor.

<<<<<<<<<<<<<< 

John, Tom and Pat were at a convention together sharing a large suite at the top of a 75-story hotel. After a long day of meetings, they were shocked to hear that the elevators in their hotel were broken, and they would have to climb 75 flights of stairs to get to their room.
Tom said to John and Pat, "Let's break the monotony of this unpleasant task by concentrating on something interesting. I'll tell jokes for 25 flights, John can sing songs for the next 25 flights and Paul will tell sad stories for the rest of the way."
At the 26th floor, Tom stopped telling jokes and John began to sing. At the 51st floor, John stopped singing and Pat began to tell sad stories.
"I will tell my saddest story first," he said. "I left the room key in the car."

And finally, a deep thought:

Give a person a fish and you feed him for a day.  Teach a person to use the internet and they won’t bother you for weeks and weeks.