Post Tax JOW #1041

I just noticed that my last JOW was #1040 which was submitted on the new tax day.  I missed my chance to used taxes as a theme on my 1040.  Here are some IRS jokes for your amusement.

~~~~~~

Tax Day is the day that working people send their money to Washington, D.C. and wealthy Americans send their money to the Cayman Islands. 

******

I tried cancelling my subscription to the IRS and asked them to remove me from their mailing list, but to no avail.

-------------

Imagine a tax accountant reading bedtime stories to her child: “And all the hardworking men and women leave a copy of their tax returns under their pillow so the Tax Fairy can replace it with a tax refund.

=======

Called in for an audit, Mr. Briggs was confronted by a surly IRS agent. "It says here, Mr. Briggs that you are a bachelor; yet you claim a dependent son. Surely this must be a mistake."

Looking him straight in the eye, Mr. Briggs replied, "Yup, it surely was."

 ^^^^^^^^^

The stockbroker received notice from the IRS that he was being audited. He showed up at the appointed time and place with all his financial records, then sat for what seemed like hours as the accountant poured over them.

Finally the IRS agent looked up and commented, "You must have been a tremendous fan of Sir Arthur Conan Doyle."

"Why would you say that?" wondered the broker.

"Because you've made more brilliant deductions on your last three returns than Sherlock Holmes made in his entire career."

“””””””””

The owner of a small deli was being questioned by an IRS agent about his tax return. He had reported a net profit of $80,000 for the year.

"Why don't you people leave me alone?" the deli owner said. "I work like a dog, everyone in my family helps out, and the place is only closed three days a year. And you want to know how I made $80,000?"

"It's not your income that bothers us," the agent said. "It's these deductions. You listed six trips to Bermuda for you and your wife as deductions."

"Oh, that," the owner said smiling. "I forgot to tell you - we also deliver."

<<<<<<<< 

A bright, young, fresh-out-of-school auditor just joined the IRS, excited to begin tracking down high-powered tax evaders.

 Anxious for his first high-powered audit, he was a bit dismayed when his assignment was to audit a Rabbi.

 Looking over the books and taxes were pretty straight forward, and the Rabbi was clearly very frugal, so he thought he'd make his day interesting by having a little fun with the Rabbi.

 "Rabbi," he said, "I noticed that you buy a lot of candles."

"Yes," answered the Rabbi.

"Well, Rabbi, what do you do with the candle drippings?" he asked.

"A good question," noted the Rabbi. "We actually save them up and when we have enough, we send them back to the candle maker. And every now and then, they send us a free box of candles."

 "Oh," replied the auditor somewhat disappointed that his unusual question actually had a practical answer, so he thought he'd go on, in his obnoxious way...

"Rabbi, what about all these matzo purchases?  What do you do with the crumbs from the matzo?"

"Ah, yes," replied the Rabbi calmly, "we actually collect up all the crumbs from the matzo and when we have enough, we send them in a box back to the manufacturer and every now and then, they send a box of matzo balls."

 "Oh," replied the auditor, thinking hard now how to fluster the Rabbi. "Well, Rabbi," he went on, "what do you do with all the foreskins from the circumcisions?"

"Yes, here too, we do not waste," answered the Rabbi.  "What we do is save up all the foreskins, and when we have enough we actually send them to the I.R.S."

"The I.R.S.?," questioned the auditor in disbelief.

 "Ah, yes," replied the Rabbi," the I.R.S." ...and about once a year, they send us a little prick like you."

>>>>>>>>>>>> 

A Dutch pastor was explaining the red, white and blue Netherlands flag to an American pastor.  The first pastor said, "Our flag is symbolic of our taxes.  We get red when we talk about them, white when we get our tax bills, and blue after we pay them." 

The American nodded his understanding. "I know what you mean. It's the same in the United States, only we see stars too."

+++++++

These bits are from Dick

·         When I was born, I was given a choice – Good looks or a good memory.... I can’t remember which I took.  

·         Impotence: nature's way of saying, "No hard feelings..."

·         There are only two four letter words that are offensive to men - 'don't' and 'stop', unless they are used together.

·         Panties: Not the best thing on earth, but next to the best thing on earth.

·         There are three stages in a man's life: Tri-Weekly, Try Weekly and Try Weakly.

·         Virginity is not dignity, it's a lack of opportunity.

·         Having sex is like playing bridge - if you don't have a good partner, you better have a good hand.

·         I tried phone sex once, but the holes in the dial were too small.

·         Marriage is the only war where you get to sleep with the enemy.

·         Question: What's an Australian kiss?
       Answer: The same thing as a French kiss, only down under.

·          Question: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
       Answer: Breasts don't have eyes.
And finally

Climatologists can use tree rings to deduce changes in our climate.  There was a recent conference where three of the scientists, science being a contentious thing, got into a very public heated debate over the meanings of the tree rings.  It was a real tree ring circus.

Legal Weed JOW #1040

We just got back from Colorado where marijuana is legal, a fact that I completely forgot while I was in the state.   Apparently the decision to legalize marijuana there was made by a 'high' government official.  Ironically there are still some counties in Colorado which do not allow alcohol.  What do you call a place where marijuana is legal but alcohol isn't?  High and dry. 

I am starting off with some marijuana jokes, shifting to some rest home humor.

`````

If the whole world smoked a joint at the same time, there would be world peace for at least two hours. Followed by a global food shortage.
<<<<<
There was a magic show where the magician made Marijuana and Cocaine disappear.  It was all just a bunch of smoke and mirrors.

>>>> 

I think it would be a good business move to put a donut shop next to a marijuana store.  You could call it

Glazed and Confused.

^^^^^

If a marijuana dispensary gets flooded...is that considered high water?

+++++++

I watched a documentary on marijuana last night.  I really enjoyed it. From now on that's how I’m going to watch all documentaries.

~~~~~~
Why did the cows return to the Marijuana field?

It was the pot calling the cattle back.

…..

Why is it a bad idea to give a cow marijuana?

The steaks are too high.

==========

Police Officer: "How high are you?"

Pothead: "No officer, it's "Hi. How are you?"

Pot riddles
Q: What do you call money that grows on trees?

A: Marijuana
Q: Why is the roach clip called a roach clip?

A: Because pot holder was taken

Q: Did you hear about the kid that overdosed on weed?

A: Neither did I.

Apparently there is bi-partisan agreement in Congress that medicinal marijuana should be allowed for the purpose of relieving arthritis pain. In other words - ...there is joint support for joint support for joint support.

******
A comedian's fan offered him a joint

Not wanting to disappoint his fans, he accepted it. He almost finished the drive to his lodging when a police officer stopped his car.
The officer asked him, "Have you been drinking?" The comedian denied doing so.
The officer then asked, "Is that marijuana I smell?"
The comedian replied, "No, I ran over a skunk a few miles back."
The officer gave him a good look over and asked, "Why are your eyes red?"
The comedian sniffled and said, "It was a baby skunk."

+++++++++++

A police officer came upon a terrible wreck where all occupants in a car had been killed

As he looked through the wreckage a little monkey came out of the brush and hopped around the crashed car. The officer looked down at the monkey, let out a deep sigh and said, "I wish you could talk."
The monkey looked up at the officer and shook his head up and down.
"Wait, You can understand what I'm saying?!?" exclaimed the officer.
Again, the monkey shook his head up and down.
"Well, did you see this?"
"Yes," motioned the monkey.
"What happened?" The monkey pretended to have a can in his hand and turned it up by his mouth.
"They were drinking?" asked the officer.
The monkey again nodded up and down.
"What else?" The monkey pinched his fingers together and held them to his mouth.
"They were smoking marijuana?"
The monkey again nodded yes in agreement. "Now wait, you're saying they were drinking, and smoking marijuana before they wrecked?" asked the officer.
"Yes," nodded the monkey, emphatically.
"What were you doing during all this?"
"Driving," motioned the monkey.

From Don

Do not regret growing old, it is a privilege denied to many.

These are actual ads seen in ''The Villages'' Florida newspaper.   Who says seniors don't have a sense of humor?
 ------------------------------ -- -----------------
 FOXY LADY
 Sexy, fashion-conscious blue-haired beauty, 80's, slim, 5'4' (used to be 5'6').
 Searching for sharp-looking, sharp-dressing companion.
 Matching white shoes and belt a plus.
 ------------------------------ -- -----------------
 LONG-TERM COMMITMENT
 Recent widow who has just buried fourth husband,
 Looking for someone to round out a six-unit plot.
 Dizziness, fainting, shortness of breath, not a problem.
 ------------------------------ -- -----------------
 SERENITY NOW
 I am into solitude, long walks, sunrises, the ocean, yoga, and meditation.
 If you are the silent type, let's get together, take our hearing aids out and enjoy quiet times.
 ------------------------------
 WINNING SMILE
 Active grandmother with original teeth seeking a dedicated flosser to share rare steaks, corn on the cob and caramel candy.
 ------------------------------
 BEATLES OR STONES
 I still like to rock, still like to cruise in my Camaro on Saturday nights and still like to play the guitar.
 If you were a groovy chick, or are now a groovy hen, let's get together and listen to my eight-track tapes.
 ------------------------------
 MEMORIES
 I can usually remember Monday through Thursday.
 If you can remember Friday, Saturday and Sunday, let's put our two heads together.
 ------------------------------
 MINT CONDITION
 Male, 1932 model, high mileage, good condition, some hair, many new parts including hip, knee, cornea, valves.  Isn't in running condition, but walks well.
 ------------------------------
 AND FINALLY
 A lady in the Villages in Florida (a senior retirement community), was
 sitting on a bench, near another bench with a gentleman sitting on the
 bench.
 She asked him if he was new to the community and he said "no, I have owned a condo here for 20 years".
 She then said "I have been here for 15 years and I have never seen you around!".
 He then said "I have been in prison for the last 17 years.".
 She finally asked him what he had done.
 He said that he had murdered his first wife.
 She after a long pause she said...
 So you're SINGLE???

Walking JOW #1039

I have been enjoying the high altitude here in Estes Park- now that I have figured out how to get oxygen from the air at this altitude.  I have been taking a lot of walks (with the dog) and hikes (in the wilderness).  The only reason I took up walking is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.  I like long walks - especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.
Dick sent me some walking humor and that forms this week’s theme.

^^^^^^^^^

·         I saw a couple of large rocks while I was walking.  One was larger but shy.  The other was a little boulder.

·         Walking can add months to your life.  That way when you are 90 years old you can spend an additional five months in a nursing home at $7000 per month.

·         "Sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world."  - Bears

·         Yogi Bear is quite safe, however – he’s a gummy bear

·         "Never follow someone else's path - unless you're in the woods and you're lost, and you see a path.  Then by all means, you should follow that."

·         I made a playlist for hiking.  It has music from The Cranberries, Peanuts and Eminem.  I call it my trail mix.

·         I was determined to carry on my hike around the lake, come hill or high water

·         I have to walk early in the morning, before my brain figures out what I'm doing.

·         If you are going to try cross-country skiing, start with a small country.

·         I know I got a lot of exercise the last few years, just getting over the hill.

·         I'm like a walking encyclopedia.... I'm old, know it all, and nobody wants me.

>>>>> 

“My walking stick broke,” Tom Swift snapped.
“Good, now you can’t complain about splinters,” Bob said pointedly.

<<<<< 

What kind of running means walking?

Running out of gas!

Enough with the walking jokes

Hundreds of years after their deaths, Galileo, Leonardo Da Vinci, and Marco Polo are walking in heaven and decide to have a conversation with Jesus...

Galileo says, “Jesus, I’ve been thinking about my past life on Earth, and I wanted to know what I am remembered for all these years later.”
Jesus pauses and replies, “Galileo, you are remembered as the Father of Modern Physics. By being one of the first to apply mathematics to motion, you led the way to the creation of modern science.”
Galileo smiled with joy and walked away.
Leonardo, intrigued by Galileo’s question, says, “Jesus, please tell me what I’m remembered for all these years later.”
Jesus pauses and replies, “Leonardo, you are remembered as one of the best painters, sculptors, architects, scientists, and anatomists in all of history. Your paintings of the Mona Lisa and The Last Supper are still considered to be one of the most miraculous works of art of all time.”
Leonardo smiled with joy and walked away.
Marco, now eager to ask the same question, says, “Jesus, please tell me what I’m remembered for on Earth all these years later.”
Jesus pauses for a significant amount of time. Then he says, “Ok, so a bunch of kids get into a pool...”

---------------

Morris went to his rabbi for some needed advice. “Rabbi, tell me is it proper for one man to profit from another man’s mistakes?”

“No Morris, a man should not profit from another man’s mistakes,” answered the rabbi.

“Are you sure Rabbi?”

“Of course, I’m sure, in fact I’m positive,” exclaimed the Rabbi.

“OK, Rabbi, if you are so sure, how about returning the two hundred dollars I gave you for marrying me to my wife?”

And finally

A woman is walking through the park when she sees a very attractive man sitting on a park bench. He's reading a book and eating some fruit out of a Tupperware container. The woman gathers the courage to go ask the man out.

So, she walks over and takes a seat next to him on the bench, turns to him and says, "Sorry to bother you. I know this may be a little forward, but I would love to grab coffee with you some time."

Flattered, the man responds, "Sure... but what makes you so certain you and I would get along so well?"
"Well," the woman says, "A couple things, actually. I noticed you were wearing an Iron Maiden t-shirt. Iron Maiden are my favorite band of all time. When they went on their reunion tour in 1999 my parents took me to see them in Cleveland. I was 12 years old; it was the first concert I ever went to. I absolutely love Iron Maiden. "
The man can't believe it. "I saw them play Cleveland in '99! First concert I ever went to on my own. My best friend Jimmy Spitz and I told our parents we were sleeping at each other’s houses, snuck out, took a us into the city and saw them play at the Plain Dealer Pavilion!" Naturally, they're both shocked.
"If that isn't weird enough," says the woman, "I noticed you're reading Mark Twain. I was a communications major in university and I actually wrote my thesis on Mark Twain, how he used satire as a lens to comment on current events of the time, comparing him to satirical news sources of today. He's my favorite author"
Now the man is really taken aback, "Get out of here. I was an English major in university! I specialized in 19th century American literature, this is like my fourth or fifth time reading Tom Sawyer, I absolutely love Mark Twain."
They both can't believe it, this has got to be a match made in heaven.
"Ok," the woman says, "well, buckle up because here's the icing on the cake. I noticed you're eating a prune. Prunes are my absolute favorite fruit. When I was a kid, my grandfather lived on a farm. He had an orchard that mainly grew apples and some lemons, but he knew how much my sister and I loved prunes, so he kept a couple of plum trees. Every year at the end of the summer, we'd go up and harvest the plums with him. He'd dry them and by the time we'd go back to his place for Thanksgiving he'd always have those prunes saved just for us. They're my favorite fruit! I love prunes, you're eating a prune, this has got to be fate. What do you say?"
The man puts down his fruit and responds,
"It's a date."

Rocky Mountain High JOW #1038

We are spending a few weeks in the Rockies where the air is fresh and cool - except where folks are smoking dope.  Ever since Colorado passed amendment 64, legalizing marijuana, there have been talks of renaming the Rocky Mountains to the Stoney Mountains. 

Here are a few mountain-themed jokes and an amusing and informational vignette about an interesting fact concerning horse’s behinds and how they impacted the space race.

--------

The female janitor in my building asked if I would smoke some weed with her.  I said no; I can't deal with high maintenance women.

>>>>>>> 

There were a lot of dead crows on highways in the Rocky Mountains this year. Ornithologists suspected it was due to vehicles hitting the crows.  This was surprising because crows have adapted to feeding on carcasses by having two birds watching from the trees while two birds feed. If there is a vehicle coming, two crows will shout out so the other birds can fly away.
After analyzing the car chips left on the crows, it was found that 80% of crows killed by trucks and only 20% were killed by cars.
Turns out crows are really good at yelling "caw caw caw" and not good at yelling "truck truck truck".

+++++++++

Two priests die at the same time and meet St. Peter at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter says, "I'd like to get you guys in now, but our computers are down. You'll have to go back to Earth for about a week, but you can't go back as humans. What'll it be?"
The first priest says, "I've always wanted to be an eagle, soaring above the Rocky Mountains."
"So be it," says St. Peter, and off flies the first priest.
The second priest mulls this over for a moment and asks, "Will you be keeping track of us, St. Peter ?"
"No, I told you the computer is down. There's no way we can keep track of what you are doing. This week's a freebie."
"In that case," says the second priest, "I've always wanted to be a stud."
"So be it," says St. Peter, and the second priest disappears.
A week goes by, the computer is fixed and the Lord tells St. Peter to recall the two priests.
"Will you have trouble locating them?" He asks.
"The first one should be easy," says St. Peter. "He's somewhere over the Rocky Mountains, flying with the eagles. But the second one could prove to be more difficult."
"Why?" asks the Lord.
"Because he's on a snow tire somewhere in Colorado."

^^^^^^^^^

A Kansas farmer decides to retire and move to the Rocky Mountains after living his whole life on the prairies. A few months later a friend comes to visit.
"What do you think of the mountains?" his friend asks.
"They are okay, but they sure obscure the view."

~~~~~~~~

It’s a five-minute walk from my house to the bar but it’s a 35-minute walk from the bar to my house.

The difference is staggering.

Finally, an amusing (to me) bit of information that I believe is actually true. 

The US standard railroad gauge (the distance between two rails) is 4 feet 8.5 inches... an exceedingly odd number.
Why was that gauge used?
Because a number of the early railroad lines in the US were built to fit standard-gauge locomotives manufactured by English railroad pioneer George Stephenson. The English expatriates who immigrated to America built them to the same dimension they had built them in England.
Why did the English build them like that?
Because the first rail lines were built by the same people who built the pre-railroad tramways, and thats the same gauge they used.
Why did "they" use the gauge for tramways then?
Because the people who built the tramways used the same jigs and tools that they used for building wagons, which also used that wheel spacing.
OK! Why did the wagons have that particular wheel spacing?
Well, if they tried to use any other spacing, the wagon wheels would break on the old long-distance roads in England, because that's the spacing of those wheel ruts. If you wheel spacing didn't match the old ruts, your wheels would quickly self-destruct.
So who built those old rutted roads?
Imperial Rome built the first long-distance roads in Europe and in England for legions. Those roads have been in use ever since.
And the ruts in the roads?
Roman war chariots formed the initial ruts, which everyone else had to match for fear of destroying their wagon wheels. Since the chariots were made for Imperial Rome, they were all made exactly alike in their wheel spacing. Every Imperial Roman war chariot was made just wide enough to accommodate the back ends of two Roman war horses. Those Roman chariots carved their deep ruts through England, Europe and the Middle East for several centuries thus establishing a well-worn precedent that has lasted for two thousand years. Providing how much bureaucracy can last forever.
Thus the U.S. standard railroad gauge of 4 feet 8.5 inches is derived from the original specifications for an Imperial Roman war chariot designed to accommodate the width of two equine buttocks.
So the next time you're handed a specification and wondered what horse's ass came up with that one, perhaps you'll pause and think about just how right you might be.
An ironic addendum of this story is that the solid rocket boosters (SRBs) used on the NASA space shuttles were manufactured by Thiokol Corp in Ogden, Utah, then shipped to Florida by rail-car for final assembly at the Cape Canaveral launch site. The rail lines pass through several narrow railroad tunnels hand carved through the Rocky Mountains back in the 1800's. The booster pieces thus had to be built small enough to fit through these narrow tunnel bores. Thus, our story concludes the width of one of the most advanced vehicles ever constructed by man was determined in part by the width of one of our most ancient vehicles... and a horse's ass!