Fair Warning, JOW #890

 We live in a very protected, risk adverse society.  We are so used to warnings such as ‘do not stop the chainsaw with your hand’ that we no longer see them.  I’m not saying kill all the stupid people.  Just remove some of the warning labels and let the problem resolve itself.

Here are a few examples of warning signs for stupid people:

‘May contain eggs’ – on a carton of eggs.

‘Warning – do not put any person in this washing machine.’

On microwave – ‘Do not use for drying pets.’

On a rectal thermometer – ‘Warning - Do not use orally after using rectally.’

‘Warning – be certain fan blades have stopped before removing and replacing fans.’

‘This product is not intended as a dental drill’ – on a carpenter’s drill

‘Do not eat the iPad Shuffle.’  (Actually found on the Apple website.)

‘If you cannot read these directions and warnings, do not use this product.’

‘Never use a match or lighter to check the fuel level in the gas tank.’

‘Not intended for highway use.’ – pasted on a wheelbarrow.

“Warning – this zipper may harm your penis.’

‘Harmful if swallowed.’ – on a box of fish hooks

Alcoholic beverages have such warnings.  But as Bill, pointed out, there need to be lots of warnings on alcohol.  Here are some suggestions:

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your bra.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing – badly.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your friends over and over again that you love them.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lover is really dying for you to telephone them at four in the morning.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically converse with other members of the opposite sex without spitting.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you have mystical Kung Fu powers, resulting in you getting your butt kicked.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the morning and see something really scary (whose name you can't remember).

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe you are invisible.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause a disturbance in the time-space continuum, whereby small (and sometimes large) gaps of time may seem to literally disappear.

WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may lead to unexpected pregnancies.

All this makes me wonder, if we were all forced to wear a warning, what would yours say?

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In addition to unnecessary warnings we are also constantly being bombarded with demands that we hew the ‘politically correct’ line.

Political Correctness for dog shows:

The AKC dispenses with dog and bitch classes for being gender biased. Gender Neutral classes will make up the bulk of competition, which will also no longer include Veteran's Class or Puppy Class as they smack of age discrimination.

First through fourth placements will no longer be offered since anything less than a first place may potentially damage self-esteem. The judge will, instead, distribute amber colored ribbons to all participants, pat them on the back and tell them they all did a good job.

Owners of dogs will no longer be referred to as "owners," since this suggests oppression of one species over another. Henceforth, 'owners' will come to be known as 'sapien partners.'

Professional Handling is considered bourgeois as society comes to consider the blatant exchange of money for services to be tasteless and unequal. Handlers will offer their abilities gratis for 'the good of the world' and henceforth will be called "pattern facilitators."

Since no one person is better than another, the concept of 'trained and/or qualified" judges will be obliterated. Anyone who likes dogs will be qualified to stand in a ring under the auspices of the AKC. The result is that dog shows can be held anytime, anywhere, since anybody can distribute amber colored ribbons.

 Litter registrations, breeding records, etc. will no longer be monitored or considered public record; after all, what a 'sapien partner' and their dog does with his or her personal life is none of anyone's business.

Obedience competition will have been overhauled since the idea of one species taking orders from another was deemed abhorrent. Instead, sapien partners and their dogs will enter the ring with no leashes.  The sapien partner might suggest some things to the dogs like -

 "Precious, let's sit, shall we? We'll do it together.” “Precious, how do you feel about walking around the ring? Not today? Ok.”

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

Woody went into the confessional box after years of being away from the Church

Inside he found a fully equipped bar with Guinness on tap.  On one wall, there’s a row of decanters with fine Irish whiskey and Waterford crystal glasses.  On the other wall is a dazzling array of the finest cigars and chocolates.

Then the priest comes in.

 Woody looks up and says, “Father, forgive me, for it’s been a very long time since I’ve been to confession, but I must first admit that the confessional box is much more inviting than it used to be.”

He replies:” Get out, you idiot. You’re on my side.”

Random Thoughts:

“If Internet Explorer is brave enough to ask to be your default browser, your brave enough to ask that girl out.” - Abraham Lincoln 1863

And finally:

I am not worried about the zombie apocalypse.  I am in Chinle.  Everything here is ten years behind the rest of the world.  Of course, I will be back home next week.  Then I will just go to Costco.  They have concrete walls, plenty of food, and zombies can’t get inside without a Costco membership card.

Mishmash JOW #689

As usual I have some extra jokes left over from last week’s theme – Dad jokes.  This week I just threw some old various bits together from here and there along with the leftovers.  I hope you enjoy them.

First, the recycled jokes:

Why does Dad take an extra pair of socks to his golf game?
In case he gets a hole in one

‘How do I look, Dad?’

‘With your eyes.’

‘Dad, I lost all my numbers.  Can you text them to me?’

‘0,1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9   There, that should be all of them.  Feel free to rearrange as necessary.’

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Pasquale died. His will provided $40,000 for an elaborate funeral.

 As the last guests departed the affair, his wife Angelina turned to her oldest and dearest friend.

 "Ah well, Pasquale would be pleased," she said.

"You're right," replied Maria, who lowered her voice and leaned in close.

 "So go on, how much did this really cost?"

 "All of it," said Angelina. "Forty thousand."

 "Aw No!" Maria exclaimed, "I mean, it was very grand, but $40,000?!!!"

 Angelina answered, "The funeral was $6,500. I donated $500 to the church.  The whiskey, wine and snacks were another $500.  The rest went for the Memorial Stone."

 Maria computed quickly.

 "Mama Mia!!!  For the love of God Angelina, $32,500 for a Memorial Stone?  How big is it?"

“About six carats.”  

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The other day I was aT home.  I told my wife ‘I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle.   If it comes to that, just pull the plug.’

So my wife took away my beer and unplugged the TV set.

Things have gotten so bad that:

I got a pre-declined credit card in the mail

Exxon has had to lay off 25 congressmen

CEOs are having to play miniature golf

Wall Street has been renamed Walmart Street

Motel Six turned off the light

Some quick one-liners:

·         Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool. I gave him a glass of water.

·         I find it ironic that the colors red, white, and blue stand for freedom… until they are flashing behind you.

·         When wearing a bikini, women reveal 90% of their body... men are so polite they only look at the covered parts.

·         A recent study has found that women who carry a little extra weight, live longer than the men who mention it.

·         Relationships are a lot like algebra Have you ever looked at your X and wondered Y?

·         The pharmacist asked me my birth date again today. I’m pretty sure she’s going to get me something.

·         I used to be addicted to the hokey pokey. But then I turned myself around.

·         Why can't you hear a pterodactyl go to the bathroom? Because the P is silent.

·         I asked a French man if he played video games. He said "Wii"

·         What do you call a nose without a body? Nobody knows.

·         The shovel was a ground-breaking invention.

·         Me: "Doctor you've got to help me, I'm addicted to Twitter." Doctor: "I don't follow you."

·         Yesterday a clown held the door open for me. It was a nice jester.

·         I thought about going on an all-almond diet, but that's just nuts.

·         I am terrified of elevators. I'm going to start taking steps to avoid them.

·         I love elevator jokes. They work on so many levels.

·         Did you hear about the cheese factory that exploded in France? There was nothing left but de Brie.

·         I used to be addicted to soap, but I'm clean now.

·         A man tried to sell me a coffin today. I told him that's the last thing I need.

·         A horse is a very stable animal.

·         I met a girl at an internet cafe, but we didn't click.

·         The indecisive rower couldn't choose either oar.

·         In plumbing, a flush beats a full house.

·         I used to work for a soft drink can crushing company. It was soda pressing.

·         Steak puns...they're a rare-medium, well done.

·         I have a fear of speed bumps. I'm slowly getting over it.

·         I ate a clock yesterday. It was so time consuming.

·         A magician was walking down the street. Then he turned into a grocery store.

·         How does the moon cut his hair? Eclipse it.

·         Did you hear about the guy who jumped off a bridge in Paris? He was in Seine.

·         "Hey, Dad, whats this movie about?" It's about two hours.

·         Why do bears have hairy coats? Fur protection.

·         I hate perforated lines, they're tearable.

·         Want to hear my pizza joke? Never mind, it's too cheesy.

·         How do you make a hankie dance? Put a little boogie in it.

·         What's brown and sticky? A stick.

·         "I hate oyings." "What is an oying?" "This joke is."

·         Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? Its ok, he woke up.

·         My sea sickness comes in waves.

·         I heard there was a new store called Moderation. They have everything there.

·         Without geometry life is pointless.

·         No matter how much you push the envelope, it's still stationery.

Finally, some random cow jokes:

Two cows are standing in a field.

One cow turns to the other and said, “Did you hear we are having an epidemic of mad cow disease?”

The other one says, “Good thing that I’m a helicopter.”

Why is mad cow disease such a problem?  Can’t they just send them to anger management?

A bull was surreptitiously watching some other cows.  It was a steak out.

There is no use in talking to a cow.  Whatever you say goes in one ear and out the udder.