We are continuing our vacation in the cool heights of the Colorado Rockies. There are dude ranches out here. We sat and watched 20 make-believe cowpokes whooping and hollering around a small herd of cattle. I went up to the ranch owner and asked her how many cowboys it normally takes to drive a herd of that size.
"One," she replied.
"One?!" I said incredulously.
"And a dog," she added.
Looking up at the snow capped mountains that surround Estes Park I had to ponder ─ where does all the white go when the snow melts?
Which caused me to remember a 5th Grade riddle:
Why don't mountains get cold in the winter? They wear snow caps.
Pondering mountains led me to consider wise men who sit atop the peaks. That led me to ponder the Dali Lama, the wisest holy man from the highest mountains. A little research me led to these other ‘lesser known’ gurus.
• (BUDDY) HOLLY LAMAS: This little known offshoot of the Dalai Lama is a small band --- literally --- of wandering musician/monks who practice the Lama Rama Dhamma. The group is easily recognized by their horned-rimmed glasses, penny loafers and giant orange hats. They spread the dharma at bars and small concerts of fellow seekers. With electrified thumb cymbals they blend rock and roll with traditional Tibetan music to sold-out crowds. Their current world tour features their new hit single, "Peggy Sutra."
• COLLIE LAMA: Living in the mountains north of Los Angeles, this compassionate canine teaches humans worldwide about unconditional love and kindness. Better known to the western world as Lassie, generations have learned about devotion and loyalty through his movies, television series and stories, dating back to the early 1940s.
• DALI LAMA: This strange and artistic teacher founded a practice that encourages followers to realize their surreal self. Most noted for his feat of melting clocks while meditating on the nonexistence of time. When practitioners reach enlightenment they instantly sprout a thin, smile-shaped mustache and have a blissful wild-eyed stare.
• DALLY LAMA: Always late for morning meditation and chanting, this lama was living proof that time waits for no man
• DELI LAMA: He'll make you one with everything. He is famous for chanting "Let's do lunch."
• DILLY DALLY LAMA: This Australian master is the 12th reincarnation of the Bodhisattva of Procrastination. He lives at an undisclosed location in the Australian Outback. To become a student of his, one must undergo the Trial of Beating Around the Bush, wherein the potential disciple wanders throughout the Outback trying to get to The Pointe, the Dilly Dally Lama's temple and home. Few people ever make it to The Pointe, and those who do have missed the point of the teaching which, needless to say, is very indirect and unspecific.
• DOLLY LAMA: Seeking enlightenment through country music and meditating on the cosmic significance of water slides in her natural habitat in the Great Smoky Mountains.
• GOLLY LAMA: A simple guy from Mayberry with occasional profound insights, he also is an accomplished singer you can sometimes catch on the local Oldies station.
• LLAMA LAMA: He set up a site in the Andes and seeks solace via raising pack animals to ease the burdens of the native people.
• POLLY LAMA: This colorful Lama hails from the jungles of Central America. He meditates by repeating phrases spoken to him and eschews the saffron robes for brighter colors. He lives an ascetic life, eating little, and showing a decided preference for crackers.
• RAMEN LAMA: Formerly a Zen monk, this lama can be found at food stalls on train stations in Tokyo, slurping down noodles and giving blessings to passing commuters.
• VOLLEY LAMA: All he needed was a net, a good setter, and a wicked spike to lead his followers.
• WALLY LAMA: Lives a monastic lifestyle in community with such like-minded devotees as the Lumpy Lama, the Eddie Lama, the Beav, Ward and June lamas.
Finally, I saw this prayer and thought it was funny. For those who do not know, Rick Perry is the current governor of the state of Texas.
“Dear Lord last year you have took away my favorite actor, Patrick Swayze, my favorite actress, Farah Fawcett favorite singer, Michael Jackson, and my favorite salesman, Billy Mays. I just wanted to let you know that Rick Perry is my favorite governor.”
Thos. Pinney
Wednesday, June 30, 2010
Monday, June 21, 2010
On the Road JOW #514
Summer has officially arrived. Let me state the obvious ─ the greater Houston area is hot and miserable for six months out of the year, and we are well into that six months. Never mind that May, 2010 was world wide the hottest month of May ever since they began keeping accurate records of temperatures, it is just really hot and humid here. Travis says people in the DC area complain about Washington heat and humidity; he just laughs. They have no idea. So Ruth and I will be getting some altitude, specifically some Rocky Mountain high air. We will be gone for a couple of weeks so this JOW is out early. I might get a JOW out next week if I can find internet access and I am not having too much fun.
In light of my upcoming adventure here are a few jokes that are vaguely related to travel. Sorry about the first one – I couldn’t resist.
When the driver of a huge trailer lost control of his rig, he plowed into an empty tollbooth and smashed it to pieces. He climbed down from the wreckage and within a matter of minutes, a truck pulled up and discharged a crew of workers.
The men picked up each broken piece of the former tollbooth and spread some kind of creamy substance on it.
Then they began fitting the pieces together. In less than a half hour, they had the entire tollbooth reconstructed and looking good as new.
"Astonishing!" the truck driver said to the crew chief. "What was the white stuff you used to get all the pieces together?"
The crew chief said, "Oh that was tollgate booth paste."
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
There were three men traveling together, a priest, a doctor and a lawyer. It was starting to get late and they needed to find a place to sleep.
They came across this farm and they asked the farmer there if they could spend the night. He said, "That's fine but my guest room is only big enough for two people, one of you will have to sleep in the barn."
The priest said, "I don't mind sleeping with God's creatures, I will take the barn."
So they all agreed and went to their room/barn). About an hour later there was a knock at the guest room door and there stood the priest.
He said, "There is a pig in there that won't stop oinking! I'm sorry, but I'm going to have to sleep in the guest room."
"That's ok," said the doctor, "I'll sleep in the barn, I am not too proud to sleep with animals."
So they all agreed and traded places. About an hour later there was a knock at the guest room door and there stood the farmer.
"I can't stand the odor from that cow in there anymore. I'm sorry but I'm going to have to sleep in the guest room."
"Well, I guess that leaves me," said the lawyer. So he went to sleep in the barn.
About an hour later there is a knock at the guest room door and there stood the pig and the cow.
***************************************
A group of Americans were traveling by tour bus through Holland. As they stopped at a cheese farm, a young guide led them through the process of cheese making, explaining that goat's milk was used. She showed the group a lovely hillside where many goats were grazing.
"These" she explained "are the older goats put out to pasture when they no longer produce." She then asked, "What do you do in America with your old goats?"
A spry old gentleman answered, "They send us on bus tours!"
=====================================
There is a story about a monastery perched high on a cliff several hundred feet in the air. The only way to reach the monastery was to be suspended in a basket which was pulled to the top by several monks who pulled and tugged with all their strength. Obviously the ride up the steep cliff in that basket was terrifying.
One tourist got exceedingly nervous about half-way up as he noticed that the rope by which he was suspended was old and frayed. With trembling voice, he asked the monk who was riding with him in the basket how often they changed the rope.
The monk thought for a moment and answered brusquely, "Whenever it breaks."
Some tips about camping
-A two-man pup tent does not include two men or a pup.
-A potato baked in the coals for three hours makes an excellent hockey puck.
- Lint from your navel makes a handy fire starter. Warning: Remove lint from navel before applying the match.
-The guitar of the noisy teenager at the next campsite makes excellent kindling.
-The sight of a bald eagle has thrilled campers for generations. The sight of a bald man, however, does absolutely nothing for the eagle.
-It's entirely possible to spend your whole vacation on a winding mountain road behind a large motor home.
-In an emergency, a drawstring from a parka hood can be used to strangle a snoring tent-mate.
- You can duplicate the warmth of a down-filled bedroll by climbing into a plastic garbage bag with several geese.
- The best backpacks seem to be named for national parks or mountain ranges. I would steer clear of those named for landfills.
====================
And finally from Don:
What is the difference between girls/women aged 8, 18, 28, 38, 48, 58, 68, and 78?
******************************************************
At 8
You take her to bed and tell her a story
*******************************************************
At 18
You tell her a story and take her to bed
*******************************************************
At 28
You don't need to tell her a story to take her to bed
******************************************************
At 38
She tells you a story and takes you to bed
*******************************************************
At 48
She tells you a story to avoid going to bed
******************************************************
At 58
You stay in bed to avoid her story
******************************************************
At 68
If you take her to bed, that'll be a story
*******************************************************
At 78
What story? What bed? Who the hell are you?
Thos. Pinney
In light of my upcoming adventure here are a few jokes that are vaguely related to travel. Sorry about the first one – I couldn’t resist.
When the driver of a huge trailer lost control of his rig, he plowed into an empty tollbooth and smashed it to pieces. He climbed down from the wreckage and within a matter of minutes, a truck pulled up and discharged a crew of workers.
The men picked up each broken piece of the former tollbooth and spread some kind of creamy substance on it.
Then they began fitting the pieces together. In less than a half hour, they had the entire tollbooth reconstructed and looking good as new.
"Astonishing!" the truck driver said to the crew chief. "What was the white stuff you used to get all the pieces together?"
The crew chief said, "Oh that was tollgate booth paste."
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
There were three men traveling together, a priest, a doctor and a lawyer. It was starting to get late and they needed to find a place to sleep.
They came across this farm and they asked the farmer there if they could spend the night. He said, "That's fine but my guest room is only big enough for two people, one of you will have to sleep in the barn."
The priest said, "I don't mind sleeping with God's creatures, I will take the barn."
So they all agreed and went to their room/barn). About an hour later there was a knock at the guest room door and there stood the priest.
He said, "There is a pig in there that won't stop oinking! I'm sorry, but I'm going to have to sleep in the guest room."
"That's ok," said the doctor, "I'll sleep in the barn, I am not too proud to sleep with animals."
So they all agreed and traded places. About an hour later there was a knock at the guest room door and there stood the farmer.
"I can't stand the odor from that cow in there anymore. I'm sorry but I'm going to have to sleep in the guest room."
"Well, I guess that leaves me," said the lawyer. So he went to sleep in the barn.
About an hour later there is a knock at the guest room door and there stood the pig and the cow.
***************************************
A group of Americans were traveling by tour bus through Holland. As they stopped at a cheese farm, a young guide led them through the process of cheese making, explaining that goat's milk was used. She showed the group a lovely hillside where many goats were grazing.
"These" she explained "are the older goats put out to pasture when they no longer produce." She then asked, "What do you do in America with your old goats?"
A spry old gentleman answered, "They send us on bus tours!"
=====================================
There is a story about a monastery perched high on a cliff several hundred feet in the air. The only way to reach the monastery was to be suspended in a basket which was pulled to the top by several monks who pulled and tugged with all their strength. Obviously the ride up the steep cliff in that basket was terrifying.
One tourist got exceedingly nervous about half-way up as he noticed that the rope by which he was suspended was old and frayed. With trembling voice, he asked the monk who was riding with him in the basket how often they changed the rope.
The monk thought for a moment and answered brusquely, "Whenever it breaks."
Some tips about camping
-A two-man pup tent does not include two men or a pup.
-A potato baked in the coals for three hours makes an excellent hockey puck.
- Lint from your navel makes a handy fire starter. Warning: Remove lint from navel before applying the match.
-The guitar of the noisy teenager at the next campsite makes excellent kindling.
-The sight of a bald eagle has thrilled campers for generations. The sight of a bald man, however, does absolutely nothing for the eagle.
-It's entirely possible to spend your whole vacation on a winding mountain road behind a large motor home.
-In an emergency, a drawstring from a parka hood can be used to strangle a snoring tent-mate.
- You can duplicate the warmth of a down-filled bedroll by climbing into a plastic garbage bag with several geese.
- The best backpacks seem to be named for national parks or mountain ranges. I would steer clear of those named for landfills.
====================
And finally from Don:
What is the difference between girls/women aged 8, 18, 28, 38, 48, 58, 68, and 78?
******************************************************
At 8
You take her to bed and tell her a story
*******************************************************
At 18
You tell her a story and take her to bed
*******************************************************
At 28
You don't need to tell her a story to take her to bed
******************************************************
At 38
She tells you a story and takes you to bed
*******************************************************
At 48
She tells you a story to avoid going to bed
******************************************************
At 58
You stay in bed to avoid her story
******************************************************
At 68
If you take her to bed, that'll be a story
*******************************************************
At 78
What story? What bed? Who the hell are you?
Thos. Pinney
Wednesday, June 16, 2010
Laws of the JOW #498
My JOW was donated in large part this week. Keith offered up some of the real Laws of Life. It all started with Murphy’s Law, of course. Then there was O’Toole’s addendum to Murphy’s Law – Murphy was and Optimist. And Obermeyer’s Corollary – Not only will things go wrong; they will go wrong at the worst possible time. Paranoids, in their conviction that “they are out to get me” understate the problem ─ the Entire Universe is out to get us all! If you have any doubts, just consider these well known Laws of Life
• Law of Mechanical Repair - After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch & you'll have to pee.
• Law of Biomechanics - The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.
• Law of Gravity - Any tool, nut, bolt, screw, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.
• Law of Probability - The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act. This probability is squared if the individual has a means of recording the event. The probability cubes if said individual likes to post recordings of stupid events on the internet.
• Law of Random Numbers - If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal & someone who is always annoyed always answers.
• Law of the Alibi - If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire.
• Law of Close Encounters - The probability of meeting someone you know increases dramatically when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.
• Law of the Result - When you try to prove to someone that something won't work, it will.
• Law of the Theater & Baseball - At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle, always arrive last. They are the ones who will leave their seats several times to go for food, beer, or the toilet & who leave early before the end of the performance or the game is over. The folks in the aisle seats come early, never move once, have long gangly legs or big bellies & stay to the bitter end of the event. The aisle people also are very surly folk.
• The Coffee Law - As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.
• Gym’s Law - If there are only two people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.
• Law of Physical Surfaces - The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor, are directly correlated to the newness & cost of the carpet or rug.
• Law of Logical Argument - Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about.
• Oliver's Law of Public Speaking - A closed mouth gathers no feet.
• Wilson's Law of Commercial Marketing Strategy - As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it.
• Doctors' Law - If you don't feel well, make an appointment to go to the doctor, by the time you get there you'll feel better. But don't make an appointment, and you'll stay sick.
• Law of Appliance Repair – Any item which requires a repairman to visit will operate perfectly while, and only while he is there.
• Tom’s Theory of a Hostile Universe – Bad things will only happen when you are unprepared for them. Conversely, bad things seldom occur when we are ready for them.
• Tiffany’s Law of Footwear - If the shoes fit, they're ugly.
• Cole’s Law – Chopped cabbage dressed with mayonnaise
• Hunnicutt’s Dictum – If you intend to carry a gun, make sure it works
• Vandermollen’s Corollary to Hunnicutt’s Dictum – If you carry a gun, make sure you know to work it.
• Otis’ Law of Elevators – The person who has to get out of the elevator is always in the back
And finally, Al offered this true story.
The Sierra Club and the U.S. Forest Service were presenting an alternative to a group of Wyoming ranchers for controlling the coyote population. It seems that after years of the ranchers using the tried and true methods of shooting or trapping the predators, these two groups were offering a "more humane" solution.
What they proposed was for the animals to be captured alive, the males would then be castrated and turned loose again. Thus the population would be controlled. No kidding, this was actually proposed to the Wyoming Wool and Sheep Grower's Association by the Sierra Club and the U.S.F.S.
The ranchers listened to the presentation and then sat there in a sort of dumb-found silence, trying to make sense of the amazing proposal they had just heard.
Finally, an old boy in the back of the conference room stood up, tipped his hat back and said, "Son, I don't think you understand our problem. Those coyotes ain't screwin' our sheep - they're eatin' 'em!"
You should have been there to hear the roar of laughter.
Thos. Pinney
• Law of Mechanical Repair - After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch & you'll have to pee.
• Law of Biomechanics - The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.
• Law of Gravity - Any tool, nut, bolt, screw, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.
• Law of Probability - The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act. This probability is squared if the individual has a means of recording the event. The probability cubes if said individual likes to post recordings of stupid events on the internet.
• Law of Random Numbers - If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal & someone who is always annoyed always answers.
• Law of the Alibi - If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire.
• Law of Close Encounters - The probability of meeting someone you know increases dramatically when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.
• Law of the Result - When you try to prove to someone that something won't work, it will.
• Law of the Theater & Baseball - At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle, always arrive last. They are the ones who will leave their seats several times to go for food, beer, or the toilet & who leave early before the end of the performance or the game is over. The folks in the aisle seats come early, never move once, have long gangly legs or big bellies & stay to the bitter end of the event. The aisle people also are very surly folk.
• The Coffee Law - As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.
• Gym’s Law - If there are only two people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.
• Law of Physical Surfaces - The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor, are directly correlated to the newness & cost of the carpet or rug.
• Law of Logical Argument - Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about.
• Oliver's Law of Public Speaking - A closed mouth gathers no feet.
• Wilson's Law of Commercial Marketing Strategy - As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it.
• Doctors' Law - If you don't feel well, make an appointment to go to the doctor, by the time you get there you'll feel better. But don't make an appointment, and you'll stay sick.
• Law of Appliance Repair – Any item which requires a repairman to visit will operate perfectly while, and only while he is there.
• Tom’s Theory of a Hostile Universe – Bad things will only happen when you are unprepared for them. Conversely, bad things seldom occur when we are ready for them.
• Tiffany’s Law of Footwear - If the shoes fit, they're ugly.
• Cole’s Law – Chopped cabbage dressed with mayonnaise
• Hunnicutt’s Dictum – If you intend to carry a gun, make sure it works
• Vandermollen’s Corollary to Hunnicutt’s Dictum – If you carry a gun, make sure you know to work it.
• Otis’ Law of Elevators – The person who has to get out of the elevator is always in the back
And finally, Al offered this true story.
The Sierra Club and the U.S. Forest Service were presenting an alternative to a group of Wyoming ranchers for controlling the coyote population. It seems that after years of the ranchers using the tried and true methods of shooting or trapping the predators, these two groups were offering a "more humane" solution.
What they proposed was for the animals to be captured alive, the males would then be castrated and turned loose again. Thus the population would be controlled. No kidding, this was actually proposed to the Wyoming Wool and Sheep Grower's Association by the Sierra Club and the U.S.F.S.
The ranchers listened to the presentation and then sat there in a sort of dumb-found silence, trying to make sense of the amazing proposal they had just heard.
Finally, an old boy in the back of the conference room stood up, tipped his hat back and said, "Son, I don't think you understand our problem. Those coyotes ain't screwin' our sheep - they're eatin' 'em!"
You should have been there to hear the roar of laughter.
Thos. Pinney
Tuesday, June 8, 2010
Paternal JOW
My Joke this week has a paternal aspect, in recognition of the approaching Hallmark Holiday of Father’s Day. Yes, America, it is another made up event designed to stimulate the economy by encouraging spending on items such as cards. All most fathers really want is to get some acknowledgement from their kids. However, a simple “Hi Dad” doesn’t do much for the Gross Domestic Product. So here are a few free jokes with a Fatherly Theme.
...............
A young man, who left his home in Texas at an early age, finally purchased his own ranch in Oklahoma. He invited his father out for a visit, and took him on a tour of the property.
Driving along in the son's pickup truck, a jack rabbit hopped onto the road in front of them.
The son stopped the truck to let the rabbit pass, and the father queried: "What in tarnation is that!?"
The son replied, "That's a jackrabbit, Dad, what did you think it was?"
The father shrugged and said, "We grow 'em a lot bigger'n back home in Texas."
So they went on and a little farther on they came to a few cattle roaming the range. The son stopped the truck and the father again said in a puzzled tone "What are those?"
The son hesitantly said "Those are cows, Dad; you gotta be kiddin me, you really don't recognize them?"
The father replied "Well, I guess they're kinda familiar-it's just that we grow 'em so much bigger back in Texas."
The son, a bit disgruntled, drove on in silence. At length they approached a low part in the road with marshy wetlands on either side. A large snapping turtle lumbered onto the road. The father peered intently at the creature and said "Now what one earth is that thing!?"
Without missing a beat, the son replied, "Wood tick"...
………………..
One evening a little girl and her parents were sitting around the table eating supper. The little girl said, "Daddy, you're the boss, aren't you?" Her Daddy smiled, pleased, and said yes. The little girl continued "That's because Mummy put you in charge, right?"
===============
I figured out why they call our language the "Mother Tongue." Fathers never get a chance to use much of it.
===============
One time my kids wanted to surprise me with a good breakfast in bed on Father's Day. They put a cot in the kitchen.
---------------------
One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm a mother was tucking her small boy into bed. She was about to turn off the light when he asked with a tremor in his voice,
"Mommy, will you sleep with me tonight?"
The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug.
"I can't dear," she said. "I have to sleep with Daddy."
A long silence was broken at last by his shaking little voice:
"The big sissy.
A young boy came to Sunday School late. His teacher knew that he was usually very prompt and asked him if anything was wrong.
The boy replied no, that he was going fishing but his dad told him that he needed to go to church.
The teacher was very impressed and asked the boy if his dad had explained to him why it was more important to go to church than to go fishing, to which the boy replied, yes he did, dad said he didn't have enough bait for both of us.
A final census joke.
Five year old Becky answered the door when the Census taker came by.
She told the Census taker that her daddy was a doctor and wasn't home, because he was performing an appendectomy.
"My," said the census taker, "that sure is a big word for such a little girl. Do you know what it means?"
"Sure! Fifteen hundred bucks, and that doesn't even include the anesthesiologist!"
Don from UAB was so impressed with my military jokes he provided this one.
The Navy and the Air Force decided to have a canoe race on the Potomac River. Both teams practiced hard and long to reach their peak performance before the race. On the big day, the Navy won by a mile. Afterwards, the Air Force team became very discouraged and depressed. The officers of the Air Force team decided that the reason for the crushing defeat had to be found.
A "Metrics Team," made up of senior officers was formed to investigate and recommend appropriate action. Their conclusion was that the Navy had 8 seamen rowing and 1 officer steering, while the Air Force had 1 airman rowing and 8 officers and NCOs steering.
So the senior officers of the Air Force team hired a consulting company and paid them incredible amounts of money. They advised that too many people were steering the boat and not enough people were rowing.
To prevent losing to the Navy again the next year, the Air Force Chief of Staff made historic and sweeping changes: the rowing team's organizational structure was totally realigned to 4 steering officers, 3 area steering superintendents and 1 assistant superintendent steering NCO.
They also implemented a new performance system that would give the 1 airman rowing the boat greater incentive to work harder. It was called the "Air Force Rowing Team Quality Program", with meetings, dinners, and a three-day pass for the rower. "We must give the rower empowerment and enrichment through this quality program."
The next year the Navy won by 2 miles.
Humiliated, the Air Force leadership gave a letter of reprimand to the rower for poor performance. Initiated a $4 billion program for development of a new joint-service canoe, blamed the loss on a design defect in the paddles, and issued career continuation bonuses and leather rowing jackets to the beleaguered steering officers in the hopes they would stay for next year's race.
Meanwhile, the Army team is still trying to figure out why the oars keep making divots in the grass when they're rowing.
===================================
And finally, a trip down memory lane ─ here are some things that were once common parts of our life and are now virtually extinct. Of course the next generation will soon be quacking about remembering Video Stores, land-line phones, and Windows 95.
But we were here first so here is the Older Than Dirt Quiz:
Count all the ones that you actually remember not the ones you were told about.
1. Head lights dimmer switches on the floor.
2. Ignition switches on the dashboard. (not the new ones)
3. Real ice boxes. (With ice. Sort of home ice chests)
4. Pant leg clips for bicycles without chain guards.
5. Using hand signals in cars (they were actually required in driver’s tests)
6. Blackjack chewing gum (liquorish flavored. It would stain your mouth)
7. Wax Coke-shaped bottles with colored sugar water
8. Candy cigarettes (yes really)
9. Soda pop machines that dispensed glass bottles
10. Coffee shops or diners with tableside juke boxes (Johnny Rocket doesn’t count)
11. Home milk delivery in glass bottles with cardboard stoppers
12. Party lines on the telephone (You had to remember which ring was yours)
13. Newsreels before the movie (I even remember seeing cheesy serials)
14. P.F. Flyers (or even the Converse High Tops)
15. Butch wax (Needed for flat tops. Think Dapper Dan Hair Pomade)
16. TV test patterns that came on at night after the last show and were there until TV shows started again in the morning.(Black and white with an Indian head)
17. Peashooters
18. Howdy Doody
19. 45 RPM records
20. S & H Greenstamps
21. Hi-fi's (the ones that could play 45’s and 33 1/3 vinyl records)
22. Metal ice trays with lever
23. Mimeograph paper
24. Blue flashbulb
25. Packards (I actually owned one)
26. Roller skate keys
27. Cork popguns (I still have one)
28. Drive-ins (Movies)
29. Studebakers (very cool cars)
30. Wash tub wringers
31. Ash Trays
32. Cigarette machines
33. Lever activated adding machines
34. Mechanical cash registers
35. Transistor AM Radios
36. Cars without seat belts
37. Clothes lines
38. Using clothes pins (see above) to clip cars to the spokes on your bicycle so it sounded like a motorcycle
39. “Free Kittens to Good Home”
40. Burning leaves in the fall
If you remembered fewer than 10 = You're still young
If you remembered 10-20 = You are getting older
If you remembered 20-30 = Don't tell your age,
If you remembered more than that = You're older than dirt! It is surprising you can remember anything at all.
...............
A young man, who left his home in Texas at an early age, finally purchased his own ranch in Oklahoma. He invited his father out for a visit, and took him on a tour of the property.
Driving along in the son's pickup truck, a jack rabbit hopped onto the road in front of them.
The son stopped the truck to let the rabbit pass, and the father queried: "What in tarnation is that!?"
The son replied, "That's a jackrabbit, Dad, what did you think it was?"
The father shrugged and said, "We grow 'em a lot bigger'n back home in Texas."
So they went on and a little farther on they came to a few cattle roaming the range. The son stopped the truck and the father again said in a puzzled tone "What are those?"
The son hesitantly said "Those are cows, Dad; you gotta be kiddin me, you really don't recognize them?"
The father replied "Well, I guess they're kinda familiar-it's just that we grow 'em so much bigger back in Texas."
The son, a bit disgruntled, drove on in silence. At length they approached a low part in the road with marshy wetlands on either side. A large snapping turtle lumbered onto the road. The father peered intently at the creature and said "Now what one earth is that thing!?"
Without missing a beat, the son replied, "Wood tick"...
………………..
One evening a little girl and her parents were sitting around the table eating supper. The little girl said, "Daddy, you're the boss, aren't you?" Her Daddy smiled, pleased, and said yes. The little girl continued "That's because Mummy put you in charge, right?"
===============
I figured out why they call our language the "Mother Tongue." Fathers never get a chance to use much of it.
===============
One time my kids wanted to surprise me with a good breakfast in bed on Father's Day. They put a cot in the kitchen.
---------------------
One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm a mother was tucking her small boy into bed. She was about to turn off the light when he asked with a tremor in his voice,
"Mommy, will you sleep with me tonight?"
The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug.
"I can't dear," she said. "I have to sleep with Daddy."
A long silence was broken at last by his shaking little voice:
"The big sissy.
A young boy came to Sunday School late. His teacher knew that he was usually very prompt and asked him if anything was wrong.
The boy replied no, that he was going fishing but his dad told him that he needed to go to church.
The teacher was very impressed and asked the boy if his dad had explained to him why it was more important to go to church than to go fishing, to which the boy replied, yes he did, dad said he didn't have enough bait for both of us.
A final census joke.
Five year old Becky answered the door when the Census taker came by.
She told the Census taker that her daddy was a doctor and wasn't home, because he was performing an appendectomy.
"My," said the census taker, "that sure is a big word for such a little girl. Do you know what it means?"
"Sure! Fifteen hundred bucks, and that doesn't even include the anesthesiologist!"
Don from UAB was so impressed with my military jokes he provided this one.
The Navy and the Air Force decided to have a canoe race on the Potomac River. Both teams practiced hard and long to reach their peak performance before the race. On the big day, the Navy won by a mile. Afterwards, the Air Force team became very discouraged and depressed. The officers of the Air Force team decided that the reason for the crushing defeat had to be found.
A "Metrics Team," made up of senior officers was formed to investigate and recommend appropriate action. Their conclusion was that the Navy had 8 seamen rowing and 1 officer steering, while the Air Force had 1 airman rowing and 8 officers and NCOs steering.
So the senior officers of the Air Force team hired a consulting company and paid them incredible amounts of money. They advised that too many people were steering the boat and not enough people were rowing.
To prevent losing to the Navy again the next year, the Air Force Chief of Staff made historic and sweeping changes: the rowing team's organizational structure was totally realigned to 4 steering officers, 3 area steering superintendents and 1 assistant superintendent steering NCO.
They also implemented a new performance system that would give the 1 airman rowing the boat greater incentive to work harder. It was called the "Air Force Rowing Team Quality Program", with meetings, dinners, and a three-day pass for the rower. "We must give the rower empowerment and enrichment through this quality program."
The next year the Navy won by 2 miles.
Humiliated, the Air Force leadership gave a letter of reprimand to the rower for poor performance. Initiated a $4 billion program for development of a new joint-service canoe, blamed the loss on a design defect in the paddles, and issued career continuation bonuses and leather rowing jackets to the beleaguered steering officers in the hopes they would stay for next year's race.
Meanwhile, the Army team is still trying to figure out why the oars keep making divots in the grass when they're rowing.
===================================
And finally, a trip down memory lane ─ here are some things that were once common parts of our life and are now virtually extinct. Of course the next generation will soon be quacking about remembering Video Stores, land-line phones, and Windows 95.
But we were here first so here is the Older Than Dirt Quiz:
Count all the ones that you actually remember not the ones you were told about.
1. Head lights dimmer switches on the floor.
2. Ignition switches on the dashboard. (not the new ones)
3. Real ice boxes. (With ice. Sort of home ice chests)
4. Pant leg clips for bicycles without chain guards.
5. Using hand signals in cars (they were actually required in driver’s tests)
6. Blackjack chewing gum (liquorish flavored. It would stain your mouth)
7. Wax Coke-shaped bottles with colored sugar water
8. Candy cigarettes (yes really)
9. Soda pop machines that dispensed glass bottles
10. Coffee shops or diners with tableside juke boxes (Johnny Rocket doesn’t count)
11. Home milk delivery in glass bottles with cardboard stoppers
12. Party lines on the telephone (You had to remember which ring was yours)
13. Newsreels before the movie (I even remember seeing cheesy serials)
14. P.F. Flyers (or even the Converse High Tops)
15. Butch wax (Needed for flat tops. Think Dapper Dan Hair Pomade)
16. TV test patterns that came on at night after the last show and were there until TV shows started again in the morning.(Black and white with an Indian head)
17. Peashooters
18. Howdy Doody
19. 45 RPM records
20. S & H Greenstamps
21. Hi-fi's (the ones that could play 45’s and 33 1/3 vinyl records)
22. Metal ice trays with lever
23. Mimeograph paper
24. Blue flashbulb
25. Packards (I actually owned one)
26. Roller skate keys
27. Cork popguns (I still have one)
28. Drive-ins (Movies)
29. Studebakers (very cool cars)
30. Wash tub wringers
31. Ash Trays
32. Cigarette machines
33. Lever activated adding machines
34. Mechanical cash registers
35. Transistor AM Radios
36. Cars without seat belts
37. Clothes lines
38. Using clothes pins (see above) to clip cars to the spokes on your bicycle so it sounded like a motorcycle
39. “Free Kittens to Good Home”
40. Burning leaves in the fall
If you remembered fewer than 10 = You're still young
If you remembered 10-20 = You are getting older
If you remembered 20-30 = Don't tell your age,
If you remembered more than that = You're older than dirt! It is surprising you can remember anything at all.
Thursday, June 3, 2010
Post Memorial JOW #511
Memorial Day weekend has come and gone, but all the talk of the military reminded me of a lot of military humor. So, a typical week behind, here are some Military jokes and humorous observations.
The various services have different opinions on when to wear camouflage Battle Dress Utilities or BDU’s
MARINES: Consider BDU’s to be a work uniform, to be worn during training and in field situations.
ARMY: Will wear it anytime, anywhere.
AIR FORCE: Will defeat the purpose of camouflage uniforms by putting blue and silver chevrons and colorful squadron patches all over them.
NAVY: Will not wear camouflage uniforms; they do not camouflage you on a ship.
I found a couple of old soldier jokes from the War Between the States
A soldier, who was habitually drunk, publicly announced to all the men in his company and surrounding companies that he was swearing off drinking and that all the other soldiers should give up this foul habit also. Almost every night the other soldiers would tease him into falling off the wagon by giving him whiskey and get him drunk. Every morning he would be back preaching about the sins of alcohol. One day his tent mate told him he ought to give up preaching about the evils of the jug as he always wound up drunk. With a twinkle in his blood shot eyes he said " What, and give up all that free whiskey?"
A soldier had lost his bayonet; he quickly whittled one from wood so he could stand inspection and not be punished for losing his weapon. He was hoping not to be discovered until the regiment had gone into battle where he could pick up one from a dead soldier. At the inspection, an officer asked to see his bayonet.
The soldier stated " Sir, I promised my father I would never unsheathe my bayonet unless I intended to kill with it."
The Officer insisted he hand over the bayonet.
Taking it out, the Soldier looked skyward and declared “May the Lord change this bayonet to wood for breaking my vow."
The Navy always makes fun of the Army, but recently they have been especially harsh about the pathetic Army football teams.
Q: Do you know why the Army football team should change its name to the "Opposums"?
A: Because they play dead at home and get killed on the road.
Q: Why doesn't Army have ice on the sidelines during games?
A: The guy with the recipe graduated.
Q: What do you get when you breed a groundhog and a West Point Cadet?
A: Six more weeks of bad football.
---------------------------------------------
Navy is playing Army, which has a first down with three minutes left in the half. An Army fan sets off a firecracker, and Navy, thinking it's the end of the half, runs off the field. Four plays later, Army scored!
........
The Five Most Dangerous Things in the Army
1. A Private saying, "I learned this in Basic..."
2. A Sergeant saying, "Trust me, sir..."
3. A Second Lieutenant saying, "Based upon my experience..."
4. A Captain saying, "I was just thinking..."
5. A Warrant Officer chuckling, "Watch this $#!+..."
Which Service has the dumbest officers?
In the Coast Guard the officers stay nice and dry on land, while the enlisted people head out to sea in all sorts of weather.
In the Army, the officers stand behind the troops and shout, "Attack!"
In the Navy, the officers stand on the bridge and steer the ship into action.
In the Marine Corps, the officers stand in front of the troops and shout, "Attack!"
And in the Air Force? Well, the officers go off to battle in their pretty flight suits, flying their expensive toys, while the enlisted people head for the club for a cold one.
Say what you will, the Air Force does have a lot of good words, such as:
BLAMESTORMING - Sitting around the squadron discussing why a mission failed
and who was responsible.
SEAGULL COLONEL - A colonel who swoops in, makes a lot of noise, and craps all over everything and then leaves.
SALMON DAY - The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream only to get screwed and die in the end.
ASSMOSIS - The process by which some people seem to absorb success and promotability by kissing up to the commander.
CRM - Career Restricting Move - Used among officers to describe ill-advised activity..
FLIGHT RISK - Used to describe troops who are suspected of planning to retire or separate from the service soon. Alternatively, any O-6 or above that gets behind the controls of an airplane.
GENERICA - Features of the Air Force landscape that are exactly the same no matter which base one is at, such as Burger King, Robin Hood, the BX, and AMC terminal. Used as in "We were so lost in generica that I forgot what base we were at."
OHNOSECOND - That minuscule fraction of time after hitting the "enter" key or clicking "ok" in which you realize that you've just made a BIG mistake.
PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE - The fine art of whacking the crap out of a $200,000 inertial navigation unit to get it to work again.
AVIATION CONTINUATION PAY - The paycheck you'll earn when you get out and continue
to fly until you're a senior captain at United Airlines.
Here are a few bits of military wisdom that explain a lot
• If everything is as clear as a bell, and everything is going exactly as planned, you're about to be surprised.
• Combat pay is a flawed concept.
• Once you are in the fight, it is way too late to wonder if this is a good idea.
• There is no such thing as a small firefight.
• NEVER get into a fight without more ammunition than the other guy.
• Cover your Buddy, so he can be around to cover you.
• A free-fire zone has nothing to do with economics.
• Medals are OK, but having your body and all your friends in one piece at the end of the day is better. The only medal you really want to be awarded is the Longevity Medal.
• Everybody's a hero in the club after the fourth drink.
• The madness of war can extract a heavy toll. Please have exact change ready.
• Decisions made by someone over your head will seldom be in your best interest.
• The further away you are from your friends, the less likely it is that they can help you when you really need them the most.
• If the rear echelon troops are really happy, the front line troops probably do not have what they need.
• C-4 (plastic explosives) can make a dull day fun. (Believe me on this!)
• Cocoa Powder (found in field rations) is neither cocoa nor powder.
• Eat when you can. Sleep when you can. Visit the head when you can. The next opportunity may not come around for a long time. If ever.
• Hot garrison chow is better than hot MREs, which, in turn is better than cold C-rations, which is better than no food at all. WHAT is often more important than WHY.
• Loud sudden noises in a helicopter WILL get your undivided attention.
• It is a fact that helicopter tail rotors are instinctively drawn toward trees, stumps, rocks, etc. While it may be possible to ward off this natural event some of the time, it cannot, despite the best efforts of the crew, always be prevented. It's just what they do.
• Flying is better than walking. Walking is better than running. Running is better than crawling. All of these however, are better than extraction by a Med-Evac, even if this is technically a form of flying.
Thos. Pinney
The various services have different opinions on when to wear camouflage Battle Dress Utilities or BDU’s
MARINES: Consider BDU’s to be a work uniform, to be worn during training and in field situations.
ARMY: Will wear it anytime, anywhere.
AIR FORCE: Will defeat the purpose of camouflage uniforms by putting blue and silver chevrons and colorful squadron patches all over them.
NAVY: Will not wear camouflage uniforms; they do not camouflage you on a ship.
I found a couple of old soldier jokes from the War Between the States
A soldier, who was habitually drunk, publicly announced to all the men in his company and surrounding companies that he was swearing off drinking and that all the other soldiers should give up this foul habit also. Almost every night the other soldiers would tease him into falling off the wagon by giving him whiskey and get him drunk. Every morning he would be back preaching about the sins of alcohol. One day his tent mate told him he ought to give up preaching about the evils of the jug as he always wound up drunk. With a twinkle in his blood shot eyes he said " What, and give up all that free whiskey?"
A soldier had lost his bayonet; he quickly whittled one from wood so he could stand inspection and not be punished for losing his weapon. He was hoping not to be discovered until the regiment had gone into battle where he could pick up one from a dead soldier. At the inspection, an officer asked to see his bayonet.
The soldier stated " Sir, I promised my father I would never unsheathe my bayonet unless I intended to kill with it."
The Officer insisted he hand over the bayonet.
Taking it out, the Soldier looked skyward and declared “May the Lord change this bayonet to wood for breaking my vow."
The Navy always makes fun of the Army, but recently they have been especially harsh about the pathetic Army football teams.
Q: Do you know why the Army football team should change its name to the "Opposums"?
A: Because they play dead at home and get killed on the road.
Q: Why doesn't Army have ice on the sidelines during games?
A: The guy with the recipe graduated.
Q: What do you get when you breed a groundhog and a West Point Cadet?
A: Six more weeks of bad football.
---------------------------------------------
Navy is playing Army, which has a first down with three minutes left in the half. An Army fan sets off a firecracker, and Navy, thinking it's the end of the half, runs off the field. Four plays later, Army scored!
........
The Five Most Dangerous Things in the Army
1. A Private saying, "I learned this in Basic..."
2. A Sergeant saying, "Trust me, sir..."
3. A Second Lieutenant saying, "Based upon my experience..."
4. A Captain saying, "I was just thinking..."
5. A Warrant Officer chuckling, "Watch this $#!+..."
Which Service has the dumbest officers?
In the Coast Guard the officers stay nice and dry on land, while the enlisted people head out to sea in all sorts of weather.
In the Army, the officers stand behind the troops and shout, "Attack!"
In the Navy, the officers stand on the bridge and steer the ship into action.
In the Marine Corps, the officers stand in front of the troops and shout, "Attack!"
And in the Air Force? Well, the officers go off to battle in their pretty flight suits, flying their expensive toys, while the enlisted people head for the club for a cold one.
Say what you will, the Air Force does have a lot of good words, such as:
BLAMESTORMING - Sitting around the squadron discussing why a mission failed
and who was responsible.
SEAGULL COLONEL - A colonel who swoops in, makes a lot of noise, and craps all over everything and then leaves.
SALMON DAY - The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream only to get screwed and die in the end.
ASSMOSIS - The process by which some people seem to absorb success and promotability by kissing up to the commander.
CRM - Career Restricting Move - Used among officers to describe ill-advised activity..
FLIGHT RISK - Used to describe troops who are suspected of planning to retire or separate from the service soon. Alternatively, any O-6 or above that gets behind the controls of an airplane.
GENERICA - Features of the Air Force landscape that are exactly the same no matter which base one is at, such as Burger King, Robin Hood, the BX, and AMC terminal. Used as in "We were so lost in generica that I forgot what base we were at."
OHNOSECOND - That minuscule fraction of time after hitting the "enter" key or clicking "ok" in which you realize that you've just made a BIG mistake.
PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE - The fine art of whacking the crap out of a $200,000 inertial navigation unit to get it to work again.
AVIATION CONTINUATION PAY - The paycheck you'll earn when you get out and continue
to fly until you're a senior captain at United Airlines.
Here are a few bits of military wisdom that explain a lot
• If everything is as clear as a bell, and everything is going exactly as planned, you're about to be surprised.
• Combat pay is a flawed concept.
• Once you are in the fight, it is way too late to wonder if this is a good idea.
• There is no such thing as a small firefight.
• NEVER get into a fight without more ammunition than the other guy.
• Cover your Buddy, so he can be around to cover you.
• A free-fire zone has nothing to do with economics.
• Medals are OK, but having your body and all your friends in one piece at the end of the day is better. The only medal you really want to be awarded is the Longevity Medal.
• Everybody's a hero in the club after the fourth drink.
• The madness of war can extract a heavy toll. Please have exact change ready.
• Decisions made by someone over your head will seldom be in your best interest.
• The further away you are from your friends, the less likely it is that they can help you when you really need them the most.
• If the rear echelon troops are really happy, the front line troops probably do not have what they need.
• C-4 (plastic explosives) can make a dull day fun. (Believe me on this!)
• Cocoa Powder (found in field rations) is neither cocoa nor powder.
• Eat when you can. Sleep when you can. Visit the head when you can. The next opportunity may not come around for a long time. If ever.
• Hot garrison chow is better than hot MREs, which, in turn is better than cold C-rations, which is better than no food at all. WHAT is often more important than WHY.
• Loud sudden noises in a helicopter WILL get your undivided attention.
• It is a fact that helicopter tail rotors are instinctively drawn toward trees, stumps, rocks, etc. While it may be possible to ward off this natural event some of the time, it cannot, despite the best efforts of the crew, always be prevented. It's just what they do.
• Flying is better than walking. Walking is better than running. Running is better than crawling. All of these however, are better than extraction by a Med-Evac, even if this is technically a form of flying.
Thos. Pinney
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