I usually try to have a theme for my JOW. Since I am on something of a diet I figured this week I should do some humor about – not dieting or weight loss but what is on my mind: BACON! How good is bacon? Let’s put it this way: to improve OTHER food, they wrap it in bacon. There is no food that is not improved by adding bacon; even bacon is better with more bacon.
Meals without bacon are usually not worth eating. Even frying bacon is gratifying; the sizzling sounds just like applause. Most of your problems can be solved by cooking more bacon. Even pigs like bacon; fact. I am not sure about turkey bacon, though -- what the hell is going on at that farm?
==================
Q. Why did the pig go into the kitchen?
A. He felt like bacon.
**********************
I always get the Bacon Brothers confused. So I made myself this cheat sheet:
Kevin N. Bacon - Actor
Michael A. Bacon - Musician
Chris P. Bacon - Delicious
…………………………………..
Three couples went to a restaurant. The women wanted to compliment the men with something that was on the table.
"Could you pass me the sugar, sugar?" said the first gal.
"Could you pass me the honey, honey?" said the second.
"Could you pass me the bacon, pig?" said the third.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Some bacon and eggs walk into a bar.
“Get out of here,” ordered the bartender, “we don’t serve breakfast here.”
A retired priest and a retired rabbi struck up a friendship in their declining years. They enjoyed chaffing one another good naturedly on all subjects but especially religion.
On afternoon as they sat companionably on a park bench the smell of bacon drifted over to them.
“So tell me Abe,” the old priest asked, “have you ever tried bacon?”
“Well, yes, once, years ago. I was a bit of a rebel in my youth and I did try some. It was delicious.” There was a pause and then the old rabbi asked a question of the priest.
“Did you ever have a woman, Patrick?”
The old priest blushed slightly as an old memory stirred. “Yes, Abe, before I took my vows there as a girl… We were pretty serious for a while. So, yes, I have been with a woman.”
There was a long pause.
Then Abe leaned over to his friend. “It was better than bacon wasn’t it?”
++++++++++++++++++++++
Q: If you can't get Swine Flu from eating bacon what can you get?
A1: Obesity
A2: Heart Disease
A3: Hardening of the Arteries
And well worth all of them.
And while we are on the subject of healthy eating, this was provided by the ‘Lovely Lisa’
Math Problem: John has 32 candy bars. He eats 28. What does he have now?
Diabetes, John has diabetes. Or maybe chips, salty things go well with candy bars.
• Did you hear about that guy that went crazy up in the Bronx zoo? He thought he was a pigeon. They found him throwing bread crumbs to himself.
• Laughter is the best medicine - except in the case of diarrhea.
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
And on a completely unrelated note:
To help save the economy, the Government will announce next month that the Immigration Department will start deporting seniors (instead of illegal’s) in order to lower Social Security and Medicare costs. Additionally, older people are easier to catch and will not remember how to get back home.
Monday, September 24, 2012
Monday, September 17, 2012
'Genderal' Observations
Dan and Tom provided a lot of material for me to share this week, mostly in the form of pity observations. Again this week they tend to be about the ‘Gender Wars’. Nobody will ever win the battle of the sexes. There’s too much fraternizing with the enemy.
-----------------------------------------------
-My sex life if like a Ferrari… I don’t have a Ferrari.
-Ladies, if a man says he will fix something, he will fix it.
There is no need to remind him about it every six months.
-I once won an argument with a woman…. In this dream I had.
-NASA has photographs from no fewer than five Martian landers. None of these pictures show any sports, porn, or beer on Mars. This makes it very clear that men are NOT from Mars.
-Men have feelings, too. For example we often feel hungry.
-What’s the difference between men and women? A woman wants one man to satisfy her every need. A man wants every woman to satisfy his one need.
-I am not sure I would want to be able to read a woman’s mind. I hate shopping, don’t care about shoes, don’t like gossip, and I already know I annoy her.
-Even if a man could understand women, he still wouldn’t believe it.
-Why is a launderette a bad place to pick up a woman? Because a woman who can’t afford a washing machine will never be able to support you.
-He took his misfortune like a man; he blamed it on a woman.
-Men don’t get lost; they discover alternative destinations.
And some quotes with attributions
Do you know ‘that look’ women get when they want to have sex? Me, neither. – Steve Martin
Having sex is like playing bridge. If you do not have a good partner you’d better have a good hand.” - Wood Allen.
“Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place.” - Billy Crystal
“See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis and only enough blood to run one of them at a time.” – Robin Williams
Things you'll never hear a woman say:
• Here honey, you use the remote.
• While I'm up, can I get you anything?
• Sex isn't that important, sometimes I just want to be held.
• Aw, forget Monday night football, let's watch American Idol.
• Hey, let me hold your purse while you try that on.
• We never talk anymore.
Things you'll never hear a woman say:
• What do you mean today's our anniversary?
• Can we not talk to each other tonight? I'd rather just watch TV.
• Oh, this diamond is way too big!
• Can our relationship get a little more physical? I'm tired of being 'just friends'
• Honey, does this outfit make my butt look too small?
• Aww, don't stop for directions, I'm sure you'll be able to figure out how to get there.
• I don't care if it's on sale, 300 dollars is way too much for a designer dress.
• Hey, pull my finger!
******************************
The Wolf Man comes home one day from a long day at the office. "How was work, dear?" his wife asks.
"Listen! I don't want to talk about work!" he shouts.
"Okay. Would you like to sit down and eat a nice home cooked meal?" she asks nicely.
"No!" he shouts again. "I'm not hungry! I don't wanna eat! Alright! Is that alright with you? Can I come home from work and just do my own thing without you forcing food down my throat? huh?"
At this moment, the Wolf Man started growling, and throwing things around the apartment in a mad rage.
Looking out the window, his wife sees a full moon and says to herself, "Well, I guess it's that time of the month."
==========================
Tim thought it would be nice to bring his wife a little gift for her birthday.
"How about showing me some perfume for my wife?" he asked the cosmetics clerk.
She showed him a bottle costing $50.00.
"That's a bit much," said Tim, so she returned with a smaller bottle for $30.00.
"That's still quite a bit," Tim complained.
Growing annoyed, the clerk brought out a tiny $15.00 bottle.
"What I mean," said Tim "is I'd like to see something really cheap."
The clerk handed him a mirror.
Monday, September 10, 2012
Gridiron JOW
Football season opened this weekend with a full slate of college and professional games filling the television schedule. Football is a game when 22 big, strong players run around like crazy for two hours while 80,000 people who really need the exercise sit in the stands and watch them. Pro linemen are so huge that it takes just four of them to make a dozen. These are men so strong they can pitch horseshoes while they're still on the horse. I thought one of the linemen had a tattoo on his leg but it turned out to be a government meat inspection stamp.
I miss John Madden doing broadcasts; I remember one of his classic quotes "If you see a defensive line with a lot of dirt on their backs, they've had a bad day."
Anyway here are some football jokes at the expense of a variety of college and professional teams and their fans.
……………………………..
The Seven Dwarfs were marching through the forest one day they fell in a deep, dark ravine. Snow White, who was following along, peered over the edge of the steep chasm and called out to the fallen dwarfs. From the depths of the dark hole a voice returned, "I still think the Saints are Super Bowl contenders."
Snow White thought to herself, "Thank God... at least Dopey has survived!"
+++++++++++++++
Q. What do the Dallas Cowboys and Billy Graham have in common?
A. They both can make 70,000 people stand up and yell "Jesus Christ."
================
Why do Tennessee fans wear orange?
So they can dress that way for the game on Saturday, go hunting on Sunday, and wear it to pick up trash on Monday.
…………………………………….
An Alabama fan and a Tennessee fan, fighting side-by-side, were captured during World War II and sentenced to die by firing squad. The enemy commander asked the Tennessee fan if he had any last requests.
The Vol said, “I want to hear Rocky Top one last time.”
The Bama fan was then asked if he had any last requests.
“Yes, shoot me first!”
======================
A man is sitting at a park bench when another man sits next to him and they engage in conversation. Shortly after, the second man says, “So, I bet you’re a Texas Aggie.”
The first man says enthusiastically, “Why, yes I am. How did you know? My intelligence? My wit? My good looks?”
The second fellow says, “No. I saw your class ring when you were picking your nose.”
@@@@@@@@
How can you tell if an Auburn football player has a girlfriend?
Tobacco juice on both sides of the pickup truck.
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
A big student walked up to the coach and asked if he could play football.
“Can you tackle?” the coach asked him.
The kid said, “Yes, sir coach, I can tackle.”
The coach then asked, “Well, can you run?”
The kid said, “Yes, sir coach, I can run very fast.”
The coach then said, “Can you pass a football?”
The kid thought for a second and said, “Well, coach, if I can swallow it, I can probably pass it.”
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Did you hear about the Penn State kicker who tried to defenestrate himself? (That means throw himself out the window, Rich.)
He missed wide right.
*********************
A man inherited over one billion dollars from a long-lost uncle who happened to be an oil baron. The man, thrilled at his good fortune, asked his young son what he wanted. He told his child that money was no object. The boy said he wanted a Mickey Mouse outfit. So the man bought him the Oklahoma State University.
I miss John Madden doing broadcasts; I remember one of his classic quotes "If you see a defensive line with a lot of dirt on their backs, they've had a bad day."
Anyway here are some football jokes at the expense of a variety of college and professional teams and their fans.
……………………………..
The Seven Dwarfs were marching through the forest one day they fell in a deep, dark ravine. Snow White, who was following along, peered over the edge of the steep chasm and called out to the fallen dwarfs. From the depths of the dark hole a voice returned, "I still think the Saints are Super Bowl contenders."
Snow White thought to herself, "Thank God... at least Dopey has survived!"
+++++++++++++++
Q. What do the Dallas Cowboys and Billy Graham have in common?
A. They both can make 70,000 people stand up and yell "Jesus Christ."
================
Why do Tennessee fans wear orange?
So they can dress that way for the game on Saturday, go hunting on Sunday, and wear it to pick up trash on Monday.
…………………………………….
An Alabama fan and a Tennessee fan, fighting side-by-side, were captured during World War II and sentenced to die by firing squad. The enemy commander asked the Tennessee fan if he had any last requests.
The Vol said, “I want to hear Rocky Top one last time.”
The Bama fan was then asked if he had any last requests.
“Yes, shoot me first!”
======================
A man is sitting at a park bench when another man sits next to him and they engage in conversation. Shortly after, the second man says, “So, I bet you’re a Texas Aggie.”
The first man says enthusiastically, “Why, yes I am. How did you know? My intelligence? My wit? My good looks?”
The second fellow says, “No. I saw your class ring when you were picking your nose.”
@@@@@@@@
How can you tell if an Auburn football player has a girlfriend?
Tobacco juice on both sides of the pickup truck.
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
A big student walked up to the coach and asked if he could play football.
“Can you tackle?” the coach asked him.
The kid said, “Yes, sir coach, I can tackle.”
The coach then asked, “Well, can you run?”
The kid said, “Yes, sir coach, I can run very fast.”
The coach then said, “Can you pass a football?”
The kid thought for a second and said, “Well, coach, if I can swallow it, I can probably pass it.”
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Did you hear about the Penn State kicker who tried to defenestrate himself? (That means throw himself out the window, Rich.)
He missed wide right.
*********************
A man inherited over one billion dollars from a long-lost uncle who happened to be an oil baron. The man, thrilled at his good fortune, asked his young son what he wanted. He told his child that money was no object. The boy said he wanted a Mickey Mouse outfit. So the man bought him the Oklahoma State University.
Monday, September 3, 2012
Electorial JOW
We will be enduring sixty days of electioneering between now and the election. Candidates run negative ads that look for emotional hot buttons to tip an ill-informed electorate toward one side or the other. Example: “Did you know Romney carried his family dog on top of his car! Yeah? Well, Obama ate a dog. It was probably a cute puppy, too!” Of course we all believe all the negative ads. This is part of the reason Congress has a 10% approval rating.
There is an advantage in being in a non-battleground state where the results of the general election are fore-ordained; sure I am effectively disenfranchised in national elections but on the other hand I do not have to put up with nearly as many of those incredibly annoying campaign ads.
I honestly believe the US is in big trouble and that we are embarked in a path that will eventually lead us over a cliff. Everyone wants to create jobs and reduce our current unsustainable borrowing, but the Democrats refuse to countenance any cuts to social programs (that might hurt the people who vote for them) and the Republicans will not increase taxes (on the people and corporations that give them so much money). Any specific plan to take action is attacked and thwarted by those who deem it disadvantageous to their particular interests. Sound policies are attacked on ideological grounds.
I know perfectly well who to blame: we the voters. We continue to re-elect these self-serving scoundrels. When I look at the record of the people we have sent to Congress over the last decade, I tremble for the republic.
Well, this is supposed to be a series of jokes and amusing quotes, I will step down from my soap box and give you all some electoral humor.
Bob sent me this illustrative story of a tale of two states.
California:
The Governor of California is jogging with his dog along a nature trail. A coyote jumps out and menaces the Governor's dog.
1. The Governor starts to intervene, but then realizes he should stop because the coyote is only doing what is natural.
2. He calls animal control. Animal Control captures the coyote and bills the State $500 testing it for diseases and $1500 for relocating it.
3. The running trail gets shut down for 6 months while Fish & Game conducts a $100,000 survey to make sure the area is now free of dangerous animals.
4. The Governor spends $500,000 in state funds implementing a "coyote awareness program" for residents of the area.
5. The State Legislature spends $2 million to study how to better treat rabies and how to permanently eradicate the disease throughout the world.
6. The state spends $150,000 to hire and train a security agent with special training re: the nature of coyotes.
7. PETA protests the coyote's relocation and files a $5 million suit against the State.
Texas:
The Governor of Texas is jogging with his dog along a nature trail. A coyote jumps out and attacks his dog.
1. The Governor shoots the coyote with his Ruger pistol and keeps jogging. The Governor has spent 75 cents on a .380 cartridge.
2. The Buzzards eat the dead coyote.
3. Ruger markets a version of the pistol as the ‘Coyote special’ and has to hire additional help to keep up with the demand.
And that my friends is why California is going broke and Texas is not.
Note: The Texas part is a true story: http://articles.nydailynews.com/2010-05-25/news/27065381_1_coyote-great-gun-pistol
The pundits love the political season – it provides them a continuing source of humor:
• "The White House is now brewing its own beer. Republicans say the White House beer is actually pretty good -just don't drink the Kool-Aid." –Jay Leno
• "Yesterday a medical marijuana group officially endorsed President Obama for president. It doesn't really help Obama though, because they were just getting around to endorsing him for 2008." –Conan O'Brien
• "Here's what's great about America. You can now buy waffle-flavored vodka. See, good things are happening under Obama." –David Letterman
• "You can think outside the box and pick someone who'll excite people like Sarah Palin or you can play it safe with an honest down-home family man like John Edwards." –Craig Ferguson
• “How bad is our economy? Well I’ll give you my two cents…which used to be a dollar.” – Stephen Colbert
Here are a few more political observations:
• At a campaign stop in Virginia, Joe Biden said he is such a NASCAR fan, “I’d trade being vice president in a heartbeat for winning Daytona.”
To which President Obama said, “Deal!”
• Even though Biden made a number of gaffes this week, President Obama did say he’s sticking with Joe Biden as his running mate, and Biden is thrilled. Of course he’s thrilled; do you want to be looking for a job in this economy?
• President Obama is still reminding people that he inherited this economy. Let me tell you something. If this economy doesn’t turn around soon, his inheritance could be cut off in November.
• CNN plans to air a 90-minute documentary on Mitt Romney. Yeah, 90 minutes of Mitt Romney. Even Red Bull is like, “This is outta my league, bro.”
• One of the presidential debates will have a town hall format where citizens will ask the candidates questions. The most common question: “Are you the only two choices?”
+++++++++++++++++++++
After spending a night at a hotel with a prostitute at the convention, the politician took $200 out of his wallet and placed it on the dressing table.
"Thanks," she said. "But I only charge $20."
"Twenty bucks for the entire night?" the amazed delegate replied. "You can't make a living on that."
"Oh, don't worry," the hooker replied. "I do a little blackmail on the side."
And one non-political joke.
After spending 3-1/2 hours enduring the long lines, surly clerks, and insane regulations at the department of motor vehicles, a man stopped at a toy store to pick up a gift for my son. He brought his selection - a baseball bat - to the cash register.
"Cash or charge?" the clerk asked.
"Cash," he snapped. Then, apologizing for his rudeness explained, "I’ve spent the afternoon at the motor-vehicle bureau."
"Shall I gift wrap the bat?" the clerk asked sweetly. "Or are you going back there?"
Tom
There is an advantage in being in a non-battleground state where the results of the general election are fore-ordained; sure I am effectively disenfranchised in national elections but on the other hand I do not have to put up with nearly as many of those incredibly annoying campaign ads.
I honestly believe the US is in big trouble and that we are embarked in a path that will eventually lead us over a cliff. Everyone wants to create jobs and reduce our current unsustainable borrowing, but the Democrats refuse to countenance any cuts to social programs (that might hurt the people who vote for them) and the Republicans will not increase taxes (on the people and corporations that give them so much money). Any specific plan to take action is attacked and thwarted by those who deem it disadvantageous to their particular interests. Sound policies are attacked on ideological grounds.
I know perfectly well who to blame: we the voters. We continue to re-elect these self-serving scoundrels. When I look at the record of the people we have sent to Congress over the last decade, I tremble for the republic.
Well, this is supposed to be a series of jokes and amusing quotes, I will step down from my soap box and give you all some electoral humor.
Bob sent me this illustrative story of a tale of two states.
California:
The Governor of California is jogging with his dog along a nature trail. A coyote jumps out and menaces the Governor's dog.
1. The Governor starts to intervene, but then realizes he should stop because the coyote is only doing what is natural.
2. He calls animal control. Animal Control captures the coyote and bills the State $500 testing it for diseases and $1500 for relocating it.
3. The running trail gets shut down for 6 months while Fish & Game conducts a $100,000 survey to make sure the area is now free of dangerous animals.
4. The Governor spends $500,000 in state funds implementing a "coyote awareness program" for residents of the area.
5. The State Legislature spends $2 million to study how to better treat rabies and how to permanently eradicate the disease throughout the world.
6. The state spends $150,000 to hire and train a security agent with special training re: the nature of coyotes.
7. PETA protests the coyote's relocation and files a $5 million suit against the State.
Texas:
The Governor of Texas is jogging with his dog along a nature trail. A coyote jumps out and attacks his dog.
1. The Governor shoots the coyote with his Ruger pistol and keeps jogging. The Governor has spent 75 cents on a .380 cartridge.
2. The Buzzards eat the dead coyote.
3. Ruger markets a version of the pistol as the ‘Coyote special’ and has to hire additional help to keep up with the demand.
And that my friends is why California is going broke and Texas is not.
Note: The Texas part is a true story: http://articles.nydailynews.com/2010-05-25/news/27065381_1_coyote-great-gun-pistol
The pundits love the political season – it provides them a continuing source of humor:
• "The White House is now brewing its own beer. Republicans say the White House beer is actually pretty good -just don't drink the Kool-Aid." –Jay Leno
• "Yesterday a medical marijuana group officially endorsed President Obama for president. It doesn't really help Obama though, because they were just getting around to endorsing him for 2008." –Conan O'Brien
• "Here's what's great about America. You can now buy waffle-flavored vodka. See, good things are happening under Obama." –David Letterman
• "You can think outside the box and pick someone who'll excite people like Sarah Palin or you can play it safe with an honest down-home family man like John Edwards." –Craig Ferguson
• “How bad is our economy? Well I’ll give you my two cents…which used to be a dollar.” – Stephen Colbert
Here are a few more political observations:
• At a campaign stop in Virginia, Joe Biden said he is such a NASCAR fan, “I’d trade being vice president in a heartbeat for winning Daytona.”
To which President Obama said, “Deal!”
• Even though Biden made a number of gaffes this week, President Obama did say he’s sticking with Joe Biden as his running mate, and Biden is thrilled. Of course he’s thrilled; do you want to be looking for a job in this economy?
• President Obama is still reminding people that he inherited this economy. Let me tell you something. If this economy doesn’t turn around soon, his inheritance could be cut off in November.
• CNN plans to air a 90-minute documentary on Mitt Romney. Yeah, 90 minutes of Mitt Romney. Even Red Bull is like, “This is outta my league, bro.”
• One of the presidential debates will have a town hall format where citizens will ask the candidates questions. The most common question: “Are you the only two choices?”
+++++++++++++++++++++
After spending a night at a hotel with a prostitute at the convention, the politician took $200 out of his wallet and placed it on the dressing table.
"Thanks," she said. "But I only charge $20."
"Twenty bucks for the entire night?" the amazed delegate replied. "You can't make a living on that."
"Oh, don't worry," the hooker replied. "I do a little blackmail on the side."
And one non-political joke.
After spending 3-1/2 hours enduring the long lines, surly clerks, and insane regulations at the department of motor vehicles, a man stopped at a toy store to pick up a gift for my son. He brought his selection - a baseball bat - to the cash register.
"Cash or charge?" the clerk asked.
"Cash," he snapped. Then, apologizing for his rudeness explained, "I’ve spent the afternoon at the motor-vehicle bureau."
"Shall I gift wrap the bat?" the clerk asked sweetly. "Or are you going back there?"
Tom
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