Leaping JOW #1221

 This is a Leap Year February.  Our system of measuring time is clunky and unusual.  For example, why are there 24 hours in a day?  I think it all goes back to the Babylonians and Egyptians who once used base 12.  And now we are permanently stuck with our current cumbersome system of seconds, minutes, hours and days; well at least until we leave this planet and start using ‘Star Dates’.  But this planet, Earth, takes 365.242190 days to orbit the sun, so our year is not especially accurate.  Julius Cesar established the first leap day, way back in 45 BCE, adding an extra day every fourth year.   I am sure you all remember our last leap year, 2020; like we needed that awful year to be any longer than it was.  Enough about why we have an extra day this week.  I am sure you will use the time to straighten out all your ‘stuff’.  So here are a few jokes in recognition of our extra day this month.

 

I can’t believe it’s been only four years since I got to tell you the same old Leap Year jokes.

 

Monday - Greg, Tuesday - Ian, Wednesday - Greg, Thursday - Ian, Friday - Greg, Saturday - Ian, Sunday – Greg:

The Gregorian calendar.

 

My calendar only has dates like the 1st, 3rd, 5th and 7th. It’s very odd.

 

Did you know that Chuck Norris`s calendar doesn’t need a leap year?
It is more accurate than ours.

 

If a leap year has 366 days, what do you call a year with 365 days?
A light year.

 

Instead of a calendar, I downloaded a colander app, and now my battery keeps running out.

 

Why are calendar puns so bad?

Because they are always so week and dated

 

Invisible calendars.... That’s something you don't see every day.

 

Some terrible Dad Jokes:

What kind of music do you listen to on Leap Day? Hip Hop.

 

What do kids play on Leap Day? Hop-scotch.

 

Where do most people eat out on leap day?  IHOP.

 

What do you call a frog born on February 29?  Leap frog.

 

A man was imprisoned in a room that contained only a bed and a calendar. How is he able to live? He consumes dates from the calendar and sips water from the bed’s springs.

 

If someone removes the fifth month from all your calendars, would you be dismayed?

 

I like to mark my calendar with bright neon colors. It’s the highlight of my day.

 

On the 13th day of the 13th month, I realized I shouldn’t have bought a cheap calendar.

 

My calendar won’t last long. Its days are numbered.

 

 If a dog is born on Leap Day does, does he only have a birthday every 28 years?

 

Did you know that February 29 is both Leap Day and Bachelor’s Day?
Great, now we have an extra day to not make decisions.

 

A social media researcher walks into a bar and orders a beer.
“Have you ever noticed that women complain less in the month of February?” he asks the bartender.

“Really?” the bartender asks. “I hadn’t noticed. Is it because of Valentine’s Day?”
“No,” the researcher replies. “Near as we can tell we’ve determined it’s because February fewer days.”

 

I met a fortune teller, and she gave me a calendar as a little gift.

What a lovely thought, it's just a shame It doesn’t go past October…

 

American scientists made a clock that advances a second if someone nearby swears.
So for testing they put them in army barracks of sailors, soldiers, airmen and marines. After a while went in and checked on clocks.
In the Air Force barracks, the clock was two minutes fast.

In the Army barracks, the clock was seven minutes fast.

The Navy clock was half an hour fast.

They then visited the marine barracks and saw that the clock was missing.
They asked a nearby marine, "What happened to the clock?".
The marine replied: "We didn't need that fan in here."

 

If you think 30 seconds isn't a significant period of time, try hesitating for 30 seconds when your wife asks you if she looks fat in that dress.

 

I saw a man on the street with a sign saying he was hungry.  I told him I had an extra sandwich, and he could pick which one he wanted, either turkey or roast beef. He looked at both sandwiches for about 30 seconds, then shouted, ‘It’s too hard!” and ran off.
I wondered for a second, then I remembered,
"Beggars can't be choosers."

 

And finally

A beautiful woman in a sports car was driving on a mountain road one rainy night when she saw a man in biker gear staggering up over the edge, battered and bleeding.

She pulled over to help and quickly ascertained that he was not badly hurt, but that his Harley was down in a ditch and would need a tow truck.

Secretly turned on by the rough biker she offered to take him into town in her car.

“I don’t think my wife would like that,” he said with a smile.

But she was persuasive, and he got in.   

“Why don’t we stop at my house?  It’s on the way and we can get you cleaned up,” she offered with a smile.

“Thank you, but my I don’t think my wife would like that.”

Nothing daunted she took the biker home to her secluded home and helped him inside.

“Why don’t you take off those wet clothes and join me in the shower?” she asked him seductively.

“I really don’t think my wife would like that.”

“Well,” she said putting a hand on his arm, “Where is your wife?”

“I guess she’s still in the ditch with the Harley.”

 

Presidential JOW #1220

 Did you know it was Presidents Day Monday?  I think that means that if the President leaves the White House and if he sees his shadow, it’s six more weeks of bull sh1t.  Here are some quips attributed to various presidents and a few sort-of related jokes.

“So many quotes on the internet are wrongly attributed.” —Abraham Lincoln

 

“I just received the following wire from my generous Daddy: Dear Jack, don’t buy a single vote more than is necessary. I'll be damned if I'm going to pay for a landslide.” —John F. Kennedy, addressing complaints that his father’s money was buying the primary for him.

 

JFK was asked how he became a war hero. “It was involuntary. They sank my boat.”

 

“One useless man is a shame, two is a law firm, three or more is a congress.”  – John Adams

 

“When they call the roll in the Senate, the senators do not know whether to answer ‘present’ or ‘not guilty.'”  - Teddy Roosevelt

 

 ” Making a speech on economics is a lot like pissing down your leg. It seems hot to you, but it never does to anyone else.” – Lyndon Johnson

 

“People say I’m indecisive, but I don’t know about that.” - George Bush

 

"Being president is like running a cemetery: you've got a lot of people under you and nobody's listening." —Bill Clinton

 

“Republicans seem to support one fella: some guy named Brandon. He’s having a really good year.” – Joe Biden

 

''Many of you know that I got my name, Barack, from my father. What you may not know is Barack is Swahili for 'That One.' And I got my middle name from somebody who obviously didn't think I'd ever run for president.”  Barack Hussein Obama

 

Abraham Lincoln has lots of great quips here are just two. 

“If I were two faced, would I be wearing this one?”

 

Of one long-winded orator, he observed, 'He can compress the most words into the smallest ideas of any man I ever met.' "

 

Ronald Reagan also had a bunch of good lines:

"I am not worried about the deficit. It is big enough to take care of itself."

"I have left orders to be awakened at any time in case of national emergency -- even if I'm in a Cabinet meeting."

“Politics is supposed to be the second oldest profession.  I have come to realize that it bears a close resemblance to the first.”

 

"I hope you're all Republicans." —Speaking to surgeons as he entered the operating room following a 1981 assassination attempt

~~~~

About his disappointing and difficult presidency, Martin Van Buren made no bones about the job.   “The two happiest days of my life were those of my entrance upon the office and my surrender of it,” 

 

One day first lady Eleanor Roosevelt left the White House to visit a penitentiary. When FDR asked where she was, he was told, "She's in prison, Mr. President."

"I'm not surprised," Roosevelt responded. "But what for?"

 

 “I don’t know whether it’s the finest public housing in America or the crown jewel of the American penal system.” – Bill Clinton

 

When Coolidge decided not to run for re-election in 1928, a reporter asked him, "Why don't you want to be president anymore?"  He replied: "Because there's no chance for advancement."

Political riddles.

Q. What was Herbert Hoover’s best quality?
A. He gave a dam.

 

Q.  How many of Biden’s presidential aides does it take to change a lightbulb?
A. None.  They prefer to keep him in the dark.

 

Q. Why are there not many films about Abraham Lincoln?
A. He doesn’t do well in theaters.

 

Q: What did they call George Washington’s false teeth?
A: Presidentures.

 

Q. In what state was Abraham Lincoln born?
A. Naked & screaming, just like the rest of us.

 

Q: Which rock group has four men who don’t sing?
A: Mount Rushmore.

 

Q: When is Presidents Day a sad reminder?
A: If your wallet is filled with pictures of the first president.

 

Q: What’s the difference between death and taxes?
A: Congress doesn’t meet every year to make death worse.

 

Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Abraham Lincoln
Abraham Lincoln who?
Seriously? You must have done terrible in history class…

++++++++

Republicans and Democrats came together in Congress to allow medicinal marijuana for the purpose of relieving arthritis pain. So, there is joint support for joints for joint support.

 

Putin is running a contest for the best joke about his presidency. The first prize is 20 years.

 

One day the telephone in the office of the rector of President Roosevelt’s Washington church rang, and an eager voice said, “Tell me, do you expect the President to be in church this Sunday?”

“That I cannot promise,” the rector explained patiently. “But we expect God to be there, and we fancy that will be incentive enough for a reasonably large attendance.”

>>>>>> 

A man went into a seafood restaurant and asked for a lobster tail. The waitress smiled sweetly and said, “Once upon a time there was this handsome lobster…”

^^^^^^^

A grasshopper walks into a bar. “I’d like a drink.  What do you recommend?”

The bartender looks at him and says, “Well, they named a drink after you.”

“Really?” replies the grasshopper. “There’s a drink named Stan?”

Here is an old, sweet one to wrap things up.

In the public library, a man with his new library card questioned the pretty librarian.

“Do you mean to say,” he asked, “that with this card I may take out any book I want?”

“Yes,” she answered.

“And may I take out record albums, too?”

“Yes, you may.”

“May I take you out?” he ventured.

Drawing herself up to her full height, she replied, “The librarians, sir, are for reference only.”

 

 

Cookie JOW #1219

 It is that time of year again – Girl Scout Cookie season.  I love those cookies.  Okay, I love almost all cookies.  This is a problem because I really shouldn’t (and don’t) eat cookies anymore.  Maybe that is part of the reason I love cookies so much.  Fortunately, jokes about cookies are also low calorie.  I hope you enjoy these joke which are (mostly) about cookies.

 

Losing weight using the internet is so difficult.

Like every weight loss website I visit, I get cookies.

 

There is a new machine at the gym. It’s truly awesome!

I almost threw up after using it for an hour, it really has it all.

Cookies, chocolate bars, chips, sodas.

 

My computer became self-aware and asked for a snack.

I replied, “Sorry I’m fresh out of computer chips.”

Now it’s asking me for a byte of cookies.

 

What's Cookie Monster's favorite Pink Floyd song?

Comfortably Nom nom nom nom.

 

What do you call a 70's cookie band?

OREO Speedwagon

 

I ate too much cookie dough and got sick

It was an overdoughse.

 

Why did the Oreo cookie go to the dentist?

Because he lost his filling.

 

What do you call a metric cookie?

A gram cracker.

 

Just got to get this off my chest.... I'm getting sick and tired of people complaining about the price of things, $3.70 for coffee, $1.50 a cookie, $4.00 an hour for parking.

If I hear any more moaning. I'm stopping inviting people to my house.

 

What did the Hershey’s bar, the marshmallow, and the cookie use to communicate?

S'morse Code

 

I just opened up a fortune cookie and there wasn’t a fortune inside.

I thought to myself, “that’s unfortunate.”

 

Today a fortune cookie told me that ‘Every exit is an entrance’.

But my girlfriend says ‘no’.

 

Here is a joke for Debi and Bill

A CEO, a laborer, and an immigrant are at a table.  The table has 20 cookies. The CEO takes 19 cookies and says to the laborer, “look out, that immigrant is trying to take your cookie!”

 

An employee at the cookie factory fell into the dough mixing vat.

It looks like he's going to make it, but he was badly battered.

 

My fortune cookie said my dreams would become reality.

Great...So, I'll be in my underwear at school, late for a class I can't find.
Thanks, fortune cookie.

 

What do you call a drawing of a laughing cookie?

A snicker-doodle.

 

My wife just got done making some cookie dough.

Wife: "Do you want to lick clean one of the beaters?"
Me: "Does it have raw egg in it?"
Wife: "It does..."
Me: "Well, I might get sick... But that's a whisk I'm willing to take."

 

A woman’s husband left her.  Devastated, she doesn’t know how to continue to live her life but then she hears that there’s a very wise monk who lives up in a mountain, and she decides to go there to consult him.

After few days of traveling, she reaches the top of the mountain and meets the wise monk, telling him, “I have spent my whole life with him, my youth was dedicated to support him, take care of him. And now he left me for some skinny women. My life is stolen, and I’m left with nothing. I don’t know what to do”.

The monk gives her a cookie and asks her to eat it. After she finishes eating, he asks her, “Is the cookie delicious?”

“Yes,” she replies.

“Do you want another one?”

“Yes, please.”

The monk looks her in the eyes and says, “Do you see the problem now?”

The woman thinks for a while, and then slowly speaks. “I guess human nature is greedy. You got one, then you want more, maybe a new one, bigger one. It’s never enough. And nothing lasts forever, anything is impermanence. We should be aware and not disappointed for that.”

The monk shakes his head, “No, I mean you are too fat, you should eat less.”

 

On a visit to New York, an Englishman and a Scotsman go to a pastry shop.

The Englishman whisks three cookies into his pocket with lightning speed. The baker doesn’t notice.

The Englishman says to the Scotsman, “You see how clever we English are? You’ll never beat that!”

The Scotsman says to the Englishman, “Watch this, a Scotsman is cleverer than an Englishman.”

He says to the baker, “Give me a cookie, I can show you a magic trick!”

The baker gives him the cookie which the Scotsman promptly eats. Then he says to the baker, “Give me another cookie for my magic trick.”

The baker is getting suspicious, but he gives it to him. He eats this one too. Then he says again, “Give me one more cookie.”

The baker is getting angry now but gives him one anyway. The Scotsman eats this one too. Now the baker is really mad, and he yells, “And where is your famous magic trick?”

The Scotsman says, “Look in the Englishman’s pocket!”

And finally, one of my favorite jokes.

There is an old Irish man sadly dying in his bed in his home when he smells something amazing. It’s the smell of his favorite chocolate chip cookies.

With his last strength, he gets out of bed, and he totters into the kitchen, where his wife of 50 years is cooking these beautiful chocolate chip cookies.

And they are on a plate, just out of the oven. And with his last human strength, he reaches over to take one of the cookies.

But his wife sees him and slaps his hand as she says, “No, those are for the funeral.”

 

 

Oral JOW #1218

I had some oral surgery on Monday and that kinda put me off schedule which is why my JOW is later than usual.  Which reminds me – If you stop getting the JOW, please send me an email.  People drop off the list for no apparent reason.  Also, should you change your email address, if you let me know I will make the change so you can still get the jokes.  And I welcome new people reading my jokes.  Several people do forward my jokes, which is great.  If someone says they like my joke, let me know and I will add them to the list.

Because dental work was on my mind, I start this week with oral jokes.  Tooth oral.  Get your minds out of the gutter.

 

Q: What is a dentists’ favorite dinosaur?

A: Flossosaurus.

 

Q: What’s the dentist’s favorite idiom?

A: Put your money where your mouth is.

 

Q: What is the number one reason patients don’t show up for root canals?

A: They lose their nerve.

 

Q: What did the Dentist of the Year get?

A: A little plaque.

 

Q: What do you call a dentist that does not like tea?

A: Denis

 

 Q: We brush our teeth at night so that we can keep our teeth. Why do we brush our teeth in the morning?

A: We brush our teeth in the morning to keep our friends

 

Q: What has 26 teeth and 24 legs?

A: An Arkansas cheerleading squad.

 

I saw a woman in Walmart with March Madness teeth.  She was down to her final four.

 

They called him the king of the dentists because he specialized in crowns.

 

Ten years without brushing causes a horrible tooth decade.

 

A patient asks the dentist how long it’ll take for the tooth to be pulled out.

The dentist said it’ll just take a few minutes.

The patient asks why it’s $500 if it’s only a few minutes of work.

“If you want it to take longer, I can pull it out slowly.”

 

The dentist told his patient to open wider. “My goodness!” he said. “You’ve got the biggest cavity I’ve seen, the biggest cavity I’ve seen.”

“Ok,” said the patient, “but I’m scared enough. Do you need to repeat yourself?”

“I didn’t,” said the dentist. “That was the echo.”

 

A man went to the dentist, he put all caps on his teeth. Now he can’t stop shouting.

 

 A young boy once asked his father, “Should I be a heart surgeon or a dentist?”

The father responded, “You should be a dentist.”

“Why should I be a dentist, dad?”

“We have one heart and thirty-two teeth.”

 

A man goes to the dentist to ask how much it would be to pull a tooth.

“$100,” said the dentist.

“Oh, that’s expensive,” said the main. “Do you have anything cheaper?”

“That’s the normal price for an extraction,” said the dentist.

The man thinks about it, “what about if you don’t use the anesthetic?”

“Well, that would be unusual, but we could do that. It would be about $75.”

The man thinks some more. “What about if you used a trainee and no anesthetic?”

“Well,” said the dentist,” I think that could work, but it would be a lot more painful. I think that would be about $35.”

“Great,” said the man. “That’s perfect.  Book my wife for an appointment on Tuesday.

 

Let me shift from these dental jokes.

Humans can’t hear a dog whistle because dogs can’t whistle.

 

Cyclops: How do you spell Hawaii

Wife (biting her lip) With two I’s

Cyclops: My life is just a joke to you, isn’t it Linda.

 

Things change as you get older.  Now movies are like, ‘Debbie does Dialysis’.

 

 Charcuterie is French for “I’d like a sandwich, but I don’t have any bread.”

 

Penguins produce oil that helps insulate their bodies from the cold.  Or to put it another way, ‘The oily bird gets the warm.’ 

 

Have you heard the joke about yoga. Never mind, it’s a bit of a stretch.

 

Minnesota recently did a poll for best snowplow names.  Here are some of the winners. 

 

·         Taylor Drift

·         Clark W. Blizzwald

·         Dolly Plowton

·         Beyonsleigh

·         You’re Killin’ Me Squalls

·         Barbie’s Dream Plow

·         Just Scraping By

 

We will have the first female referee in the Super Bowl this year.  I’m sure she will do fine because women are very good at telling men what they did wrong.  Of course, she won’t tell them what they did wrong, but still….

 

One day Max went to see Carl. Carl had a big swollen nose.
“Whoa, what happened, Carl?”, Max asked.
“I sniffed a brose,” Carl replied.
“What?”, Max said. “There’s no ‘b’ in rose!”
Carl replied, “There was in this one!”

 

 A mosquito walked into a clinic. The doctor saw her and asked what the matter was. The mosquito said that it had a lot of problems. She was not happy with her life; was not happy with the job she was doing. She was depressed and had no motivation. The doctor listened to the problems and told the mosquito that it should visit a therapist instead of a doctor.

The mosquito replied, "Yeah, I know. I just came in because of the blood."

Finally, a grammar joke

My buddy got arrested on drug charges and because it was his first offense, he thought he would get off lightly, but it turned out his lawyer was one of the worst in the state and ended up botching his case, so instead of getting a short term, he ended up getting 40 years without parole!!
Man, that sentence was way too long.