Last of 2020 JOW #1063

 Well, we are finally almost done with 2020.  Remember when people said they were glad to be done with 2019?  Little did we know…  2020 was a leap year; like we needed another day of it.  As far as I am concerned 2020 just leaped into a pile of crap.   I don’t know about you but I’m getting tired of being part of a major historical event.  We had the virus, of course, but don’t forget the natural disasters – a record number of hurricanes and tremendous fires in the west.  The fires got so bad that the Portland rioters actually had to take a break.  Add to all that the riots, racial tensions ramping up and nasty politics and you have a real dumpster fire of a year.  Justice Ginsburg died, too – the end 2020 was Ruthless. 

==========

Face it, if 2020 was a drink it would be that colonoscopy prep stuff. 

If it was an Ice Cream truck the only flavors it would sell would be liver and onion.

If it was a shoe it would be a pair of used Crocs.

If it was a piñata it would be a hornet’s nest

++++++++

The dumbest thing I ever bought was a 2020 planner – it was like January, February, lockdown.

In 2015 not one person correctly answered the question, ‘where do you see yourself in five years?’ 

I am not sure what animal the year 2020 is on the Chinese calendar, but I am pretty sure it has rabies.

In 2019 it was stay away from negative people. 2020: Stay away from positive people. 

Do you remember all the jokes I made a year ago about having 2020 vision?  Well you know what they say about hindsight.

The world has turned upside down.  Old folks are sneaking out of the house, and their kids are yelling at them to stay indoors!  And what about education?  You think it’s bad now?  In 20 years our country will be run by people homeschooled by day drinkers…

The year 2020 began with Australia on fire and over a billion animals dead.  Little did we know then that it would be the feel-good story of the year.

^^^^^^^^

I purchased a world map and then gave my wife a dart and said, “Throw this and wherever it lands—that’s where I’m taking you when this pandemic ends.” Turns out, we’re spending two weeks behind the fridge.

-------

For months we had to somehow make do without professional sports OF ANY KIND.  I actually had to talk with my wife.  She seems nice. 

 

Covid thoughts

·         I’d tell you a coronavirus joke but you’d have to wait two weeks to get it.

·         This morning I saw a neighbor talking to her cat. It was obvious she thought it understood her. I came into my house and told my dog. We both laughed and laughed.

·         I need to practice physical-distancing from the refrigerator.

·         Every few days try your jeans on just to make sure they fit. Pajamas will let you believe all is well in the kingdom.

·         This virus has done what no woman has ever been able to do. Cancel sports, shut down all bars, and keep men at home!

·         I never thought the comment, “I wouldn’t touch them with a 6-foot pole” would become a national policy, but here we are!

·         Never in a million years could I have imagined I would go up to a bank teller wearing a mask and ask for money.

·         Zooming used to mean I was going fast. Now it means I am sitting still.

·         Because of Covid 19 the National Spelling BEE was cancilled    cancul… It’s been called off.

·         Why don’t ants get Covid?  Because they have anty bodies.

 

The governor of California has issued a stay a home order.  They residents of nearby states have been telling Californians that for years.

 

Home Covid testing.  At 5 PM open a bottle of wine and then pour some of it in a glass.  If you can smell and taste it you are good.  Celebrate by finishing the bottle.

 

Kids studying 2020 in the future will need a wheelbarrow to carry their textbook to class.  History Lecturers of the future will be able to teach a whole course on each dreadful month of 2020.

 

This got me thinking about the future.

In the 80's we used to think in 2020 we'll have flying cars cities on other planets, but here we are, teaching people how to wash their hands

 

Doc Brown to Marty McFly in Back to the Future 3: “Whatever you do Marty, do not go back to 2020.”

 

Time Traveler entering 2020: “Has the disaster happened yet?” Me: “Which one?” 

 

And finally I am ending with an off-topic joke

The doctor, after an examination, sighed and said, 'I've got some bad news.  You have cancer, and you'd best put your affairs in order.' 

The woman was shocked, but managed to compose herself and walk into the waiting room where her daughter had been waiting.  'Well, daughter, we women celebrate when things are good, and we celebrate when things don't go so well. In this case, things aren't well.  I have terminal cancer. So, let's head to the club and have a martini.' 

After three or four martinis, the two were feeling a little less somber.  There were some laughs and more martinis.   They were eventually approached by some of the woman's old friends, who were curious as to what the two were celebrating.

The woman told her friends they were drinking to her impending end, 'I don’t have long to live.  I've been diagnosed with AIDS.'

The friends were aghast, gave the woman their condolences and beat a hasty retreat. 

After the friends left, the woman's daughter leaned over and whispered, 'Momma, I thought you said you were dying of cancer, and you just told your friends you were dying of AIDS!  Why did you do that?' 

'Because I don't want any of those bitches sleeping with your father after I'm gone.' 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Hearty JOW #1062

 As some of you know I had a little problem with my ticker this week; specifically we discovered that my left anterior descending artery was about 95% closed by cholesterol plaque.  This can lead to the type of heart attack called a widow maker.  Fortunately for me, medicine has advanced to where a relatively simple (but still miraculous) procedure allowed the doctor to push all that plaque aside and install a stint which took care of the problem.  

The difference between being a senior and being elderly is that when you are a senior you talk about your aches and aliments; when you are elderly you talk about your operations and procedures. 

At any rate, all this got me thinking about that heart attack I did not have and that led to most of these jokes.

^^^^^^^

Heart-Attacks are overrated.  I mean your heart works non-stop all of your life - would it kill you if the poor guy took a break for 5 minutes?

 

The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of Charades.

And then all your friends feel bad, because they kept yelling "Stroke!"

 

My wife always says, "The way to a man's heart is through his stomach!"

Lovely woman.  Terrible surgeon.

 

A man was having a heart attack at a bar.  When a patron yelled out, "Does anyone know CPR", the place went silent, then a drunk at the back yelled out "I do... I even know the whole alphabet". Everybody laughed. Well except for this one guy.

 

You heard about the guy who had a heart-attack when the police entered his house?

He had a cardiac arrest

 

A shop owner was on his deathbed surrounded by his family. He asks if the wife is there; she was. He asks if his son was there; he was. He asked if his daughter was there, and she was.
As he finds out everyone's there, he has a heart attack. His final words were:
“Why... is no one... in the shop...”

 

A priest has a heart attack, and is rushed to the hospital.

He wakes up as he's being rushed through the hospital on a gurney by two nurses.
Am I in heaven? asks the disoriented priest.
No says one of the nurses. We're just taking a short cut through the children's ward.

 

I was hungover this morning so I phoned work and said to the boss.... "I'm afraid I won't be in today, my father had a massive heart attack and died last night."
"That was your last chance Dave," he said, "I'm taking the 'and son' off the shop sign."

This one is for Mike

What does a pirate say when he's having a heart attack?

"Arrrrrrrgh, me hearties!"

 

Let's have an Aussie accent joke

A man on vacation in Queensland suffers a heart attack and is taken to the hospital. On waking, he weakly asks the nurse, "Was I brought here to die?"

The nurse replies, "No, they brought you in yesterday."

 

To all of you idiots out there that drive these loud cars, we hate you; get off our roads.

We don't care how many heart attack victims you have to take to the hospital.

 

What's the worst thing to hear at an antivax rally?

"He's having a heart attack! Is anyone here a doctor?"

Speaking of Antivaxers:

Linda had a heart attack and was brought to the emergency room while in clinical death. The doctors managed to revive her, but during her coma she saw a bright light and God appeared to her. She asked him:
"Tell me, God, is it true that vaccines could cause autism?"
"No, autism is a condition that develops during pregnancy"
After getting well, she met her friends and told them about her experience:
"Girls, I have awful news: the conspiracy goes way higher than we've thought"

 

Careful what you wish for!

I don't think I ever got over my grandmother's death when I was a kid.
My Nana died from a heart attack during my ninth birthday party, literally while she was eating cake.  And I guess that must have screwed me up a little bit.  I mean, I still have birthday parties.
But now I'm just careful what I wish for.

 

And finally, a viral joke.

I thought you would want to know about this new virus.  Even the most advanced anti-virus protocols cannot take care of this one, including the latest ones from Pfizer and Moderna.  Like the Wuhan China Virus, it appears to primarily target those who are 55 and older.  The sporadic lockdowns seem to be increasing the chances of being affected! 

Virus Symptoms 

 1. Causes you to send the same e-mail twice. (Done that) 

 2. Causes you to send a blank e-mail. (That too) 

 3. Causes you to send an e-mail to the wrong person. (Yup) 

 4. Causes you to send it back to the person who sent it to you. (Ah-ha)  

 5. Causes you to forget to attach the attachment. (Done that) 

 6. Causes you to hit SEND before you've finished. (Oh no, not again). 

 7. Causes you to hit DELETE instead of SEND. (Hate that) 

 This virus is called the   C-NILE   virus! 

 A lot of us have already been inflicted with this disease and unfortunately as we age, it gets worse.  And if you can't admit to doing any of the above, you've obviously caught the other strain - the   D-NILE virus.  Doctors say that lots of naps and regular doses of Dr. Jack Daniels liquid medicine might help.

Hanukkah, Smanukka JOW #1061

We are in the middle of the Jewish holiday Hanukkah.  Some people spell it ‘Hanukkah’, others ‘Chanukiyah’, still others ‘Chanukah’; remember Hebrew is the language that gave us ‘yarmulke’.  (A tip of the hat to spell check for helping me sort that out.)  Hanukkah can have different meanings to different people. To some, it is a Jewish festival commemorating the rededication of the Second Temple in Jerusalem at the time of the Maccabean Revolt against the Seleucid Empire. The legend is that the lamp in the temple burned for eight days without being refueled - the modern equivalent of a cell phone going eight days without a recharge.  Now it is one of the most festive Jewish celebrations with family, friends, food, gifts and games.  Here are a few jokes in commemoration of the holiday.

======

Stan and John are walking to school one day and Stan is describing his new PlayStation to his new friend John.

“Where did you get it?” John asks.

“I got it last night for Hanukkah,” says Stan.

“What’s Hanukkah?” John asks.

Stan replies, “It’s the Jewish holiday where we get presents every night for eight nights to celebrate the festival of lights.”

“Wow, I wish we got that!” John exclaims. The next day on the way to school John runs up to Stan, curious to see what he got the previous night.

He sees that Stan is upset and asks him, “What’s wrong? Where’s your present from last night?”

Stan holds up a ball of crumpled wrapping paper as he says, “It was leftovers night.”

~~~~~

What’s the difference between Hanukkah and a dragon?

One lasts for eight nights, the other sometimes ate knights.

^^^^^

A guy bought his wife a beautiful diamond ring for Hanukkah.

After hearing about this extravagant gift, a friend of his says, “I thought she wanted one of those four-wheel-drive vehicles.”
“She did,” he replies. “But where was I going to find a fake Jeep?”

=====

What do you call someone who celebrates Christmas sometimes and Hanukkah sometimes?

Jew-ish

 

What’s the best Hanukkah gift for the person who has everything?

A burglar alarm.

```````

An old Jewish couple, Harry and Sadie, were married for 35 years but never got along.  One day around this time of year, he says to her, "So? I suppose you'll be wanting a Hanukkah present?"
She says to him, "Harry, I want a divorce."
Harry says, "I wasn't planning on spending that much."

>>>>> 

A grandmother was giving directions to her grown grandson who was coming to visit at Hanukkah with his wife. “You come to the front door of the apartment complex. I am in apartment 14T.” She continued, “There is a big panel at the door. With your elbow push button 14T. I will buzz you in. Come inside, the elevator is on the right. Get in, and with your elbow hit 14. When you get out I am on the left. With your elbow, hit my doorbell.”

“Grandma, that sounds easy,” replied the grandson, “but why am I hitting all these buttons with my elbow”?

To which she answered, “You’re coming empty handed?”

<<<<< 

A Jewish guy's mother gives him two sweaters for Hanukkah. The next time he visits her, he makes sure to wear one. As he walks into the house, his mother frowns and asks, "What – you didn't like the other one?"

****

During the first day of Hanukkah, two elderly Jewish men were sitting in a wonderful deli frequented almost exclusively by Jews in New York City. They were talking amongst themselves in Yiddish – the colorful language of Jews who came over from Eastern Europe A Chinese waiter, who had only been in New York a year, came up and in fluent Yiddish asked them if everything was okay and if they were enjoying the holiday. The Jewish men were dumbfounded. After they paid the bill they asked the restaurant manager, an old friend of theirs, “Where did our waiter learn such fabulous Yiddish?”

The manager looked around and leaned in so no one else will hear and said… “Shhhh. He thinks we’re teaching him English.”

 

Chanukah Songs that Never Quite Caught On

Oy to the World

Schlepping through a Winter Wonderland

Hava Negilah – The Megamix

Bubbie Yetta Got Run Over by a Reindeer

Enough with those facackennah Jingle Bells Already... Sheez!

Matzo Man (by the Lower East Side Village People)

I Have a Little Dreidel (the Barking Dog Version)

Come on Baby, Light My Menorah

Deck the Halls with Balls of Matzos

Silent Night? I Should Be So Lucky

Enough with the Hanukkah jokes

A sign on a cosmetic surgery clinic:
"If life gives you lemons, we can give you melons."

>>>>> 

Tim thought it would be nice to bring his wife a little gift. 

"How about showing me some perfume for my wife?" he asked the cosmetics clerk.
She showed him a bottle costing $50.00.
"That's a bit much," said Tim, so she returned with a smaller bottle for $30.00.
"That's still quite a bit," Tim complained.
Growing annoyed, the clerk brought out a tiny $15.00 bottle.
"What I mean," said Tim "is I'd like to see something really cheap."
The clerk handed him a mirror.

And finally

An efficiency expert concluded his lecture with a note of caution. "You don't want to try these techniques at home."
"Why not?" asked somebody from the audience.
"I watched my wife's routine at breakfast for years," the expert explained. "She made lots of trips between the refrigerator, stove, table and cabinets, often carrying a single item at a time. One day I told her, 'Hon, why don't you try carrying several things at once?'"
"Did it save time?" the person in the audience asked.
"Actually, yes," replied the expert. "It used to take her 20 minutes to make breakfast. Now I do it in seven."

Medicareless JOW #1060

December 7 is an important date for older Americans.  It is the last day for Medicare selection.  This means add for Medicare supplement plans will stop; we no longer get to see Joe Namath touting Medicare supplement companies and the amount of junk mail and robo calls should diminish - finally.  But all this got me thinking about health care for senior and older people in general.  Here are some jokes on those subjects.

 

You millennials and your obsession with public healthcare....Back in my day we just died.

 

Dark humor is like free healthcare - not everybody gets it.

 

Public healthcare is so bad I can't even afford Dr. Pepper.

 

Have you guys heard about the thieves stealing tires of healthcare workers cars?

Healthcare workers are now working tirelessly.

 

Medicare part C provides care for the headaches caused by parts A, B, C, and D.

 

American healthcare costs are out of a control: a simple double amputation costs an arm and a leg!

 

I asked my wife to dress up as a nurse tonight to fulfill my fantasy that we have healthcare

 

Why did the elderly chicken cross the road?  He had a reason, but is no longer sure what it was.

 

If you can't afford to pay taxes, the government will give you free food, housing, and healthcare.

If you refuse to pay taxes, the government will give you free food, housing, and healthcare.

They'll even throw in an orange jumpsuit.

---------

The phone rings and the lady of the house answers, 'Hello.'
'Mrs. Sanders, please.'
'Speaking.'
'Mrs. Sanders, this is Doctor Jones at Saint Agnes Laboratory. When your husband's doctor sent his biopsy to the lab last week, a biopsy from another Mr. Sanders arrived as well. We are now uncertain which one belongs to your husband. Frankly, either way the results are not too good.'
'What do you mean?' Mrs. Sanders asks nervously.
'Well, one of the specimens tested positive for Alzheimer's and the other one tested positive for HIV. We can't tell which is which.'
'That's dreadful! Can you do the test again?' questioned Mrs. Sanders.
'Normally we can, but Medicare will only pay for these expensive tests one time.'
'Well, what am I supposed to do now?'
'The folks at Medicare recommend that you drop your husband off somewhere in the middle of town. If he finds his way home, don't sleep with him.'

 

The seven Dwarves or old age:

Nappy

Wrinkly

Squinty

Rocky

Saggy

Leaky

And Farty

 

A story from the future

I encountered a time traveler today. During my self-isolation he came to the door dressed in a hazmat suit. I was of course alarmed when I opened the door to such a site. He quickly explained who he was and asked if he could have just a few minutes of my time. I didn't believe anything he was saying but I figured the risk of transmission was low due to his protective gear and frankly, I was ready for some human interaction, even from a potential crazy person, so I let him in.
He sat down and said he wanted to tell me some things about the future because if this knowledge was entrusted to me, I could be trusted to use it for good. Over the next few minutes he told me about many things but I was left with many questions. He said I could ask a few, so I did.
I asked about climate change. He assured me that after 2035, nations got serious and the problem has been all but solved.
I asked about Covid-19. He assured me it would be a blip on the radar of human history and nobody worries about pandemics anymore.
I asked about massive economic turmoil we are in. He said despite the borrowing and deficits of earlier times, those debts are now repaid. The United States has never been a better more united society. Everyone has free healthcare.
I was so happy to hear all this. I asked about inflation and how much it costs for a gallon of water, or a loaf of bread or a cup of coffee. He chuckled and said I didn't need to worry about such trivial things. In the year 2045, it was possible to still get coffee at Starbucks in America for under 150 Yuan.

 

And finally something completely off topic

Once upon a time, far away in the ancient land of Persia, the ruler of the country was called the Shah and his wife was known as the Shahnee.
Get sick now while Medicare is still affordable

And it came to pass, in the fullness of time, that the Shahnee gave birth to a son, and this son, being the heir to the Peacock Throne was given the title of Shan.
It soon transpired that all was not well with the young Shan and wise men were summoned from all over the kingdom to the palace. They examined the Shan carefully; then they instructed the scribes to write out enormous bills,; then they informed the Shah and the Shahnee that their son, the Shan, heir to the Peacock Throne, was epileptic.
Now in those days there was no Medicare or super-efficient public or private hospital system such as we enjoy in Australia today; there was not much that could be done about his condition.
So the wise men got together, got their scribes to write out some more enormous bills and recommended to the Shah that he appoint some special bodyguards to take care of the Shan and watch over him all the time.
And it was so. Everywhere the little Shan went, the bodyguard went, too, watching over him and taking care of him.
For a while, all was well, but then, one day, when many months had passed without any untoward incident, the bodyguard grew complacent. The time came when he left the Shan alone while he indulged in amorous dalliance with one of the ladies of the court.
And of course, it was at this time that the young Shan had an epileptic seizure and, being unattended injured himself.
Great was the commotion in the Palace and the Shah waxed wroth. Summoning the bodyguard into his presence he angrily demanded, "Where were you when the fit hit the Shan?"

Post Feast JOW #1059

We had a great Thanksgiving, although the last thing my waistline needs is for me to pound down a few thousand more calories.  I don’t care.  I ate everything; well except for sweetbreads.  I am no zombie; besides, eating brains is very fattening.  A mind is a terrible thing to waist.

Here are some weighty jokes for your amusement.

 

How do you say "Hello" in Turkish?

Gobble, Gobble

 

The turkey says, "Gobble, Gobble."

I appreciate it when food comes with instructions.

----

What do you call a fat relative around Halloween?

A plump-kin

___

You should never fat-shame people

They've already got enough on their plate

But to be truthful, they won't exactly come running after you.

+++++

Diet Day 1: Just removed all the fattening food from my house.

It was delicious.

>>>> 

What do you call a guy that overeats for the sole purpose of getting stomachaches?

A glutton for punishment.

 

 My current exercise routine:

·         Virtue Casting

·         Jumping to conclusions  

·         Carrying things too far

·         Dodging responsibilities

·         Pushing my Luck 

·         Leaping to conclusions

·         Casting aspersions

 

I did manage to burn 2000 calories.  I forgot to take the pizza out of the oven.

>>>>>>>> 

The son comes home crying and tells his mother "the lady next door hit me!” So the mother goes over and asks why she hit him and the lady replies "your son called me fat!”

To which the mother replies, “And you think you'll lose weight by hitting him?"

 

To shift off of fat jokes -

After binge watching CNN, Fox, and MSNBC - simultaneously - for nearly two days - a man decided he would hang himself in protest of the media's lack of integrity...

Thankfully he was unsuccessful. The rope broke.  He probably would be dead right now if not for that fake noose.

--------------

Netflix should make a series about what Mormons say before they ring the doorbell.

I would binge watch the shucks out of it.

<<<< 

If you only see one thing in your life it needs to be the Grand Canyon.

It's gorges.

^^^^^^

I just got kicked out of a Flat Earth Facebook group because I asked if the six foot social distancing guideline had pushed anyone over the edge.

++++++++

A man found a magic lamp and upon rubbing it, released a genie.

I am a genie – I offer you three wishes

Make it four.

Granted.  You now have three left.

==========

Customer: What’s the Wi-Fi password here?

Bartender: you need to buy a drink first.

Customer: Okay, I’ll have a beer.

Bartender: Shiner okay?

Customer: Sure, how much?

Bartender: $4

Customer: so what is the password?

Bartender: youneedtobuyadrinkfirst.  No spaces.  All lower case.

~~~~~

Two robins were sitting in a tree.

"I'm really hungry", said the first one.
"Me too," said the second. "Let's fly down and find some lunch."
They flew to the ground and found a nice plot of plowed ground full of worms. They ate and ate and ate and ate 'til they could eat no more. "I'm so full I don't think I can fly back up to the tree", said the first one.
"Me either. Let's just lay here and bask in the warm sun," said the second.
"O.K." said the first. They plopped down, basking in the sun.
No sooner than they had fallen asleep, a big fat tom cat snuck up and gobbled them up. As he sat washing his face after his meal, he thought, "I love baskin' robins."

 

And finally a silly  sort of food-related joke.

A young bachelor potato decides he wants a night out on the town. He hops in the shower and gets nice and clean, puts on some nice cologne, shaves off all those little hairs and puts on his best jacket. He decides to head down to a local bar for a drink and see where the night goes. As he orders his drink, he spied a juicy plump red tomato, just sitting alone at the end of the bar. Plucking up his courage, he goes to talk to her and offers her a drink.
She accepts, and they start talking, and find they get along really well. What the poor potato lad doesn't know is that this tomato has a boyfriend, and her boyfriend is the leader of a local gang of thug-carrots. One of these carrots is sitting in a shaded corner of the bar, and he sees this random potato talking up his boss’s girl. So he calls up the boss, who calls together the gang, and they all ride up to the bar on their motorcycles, dressed in the black leather, with the fingerless leather gloves and spiked knuckles, chain belts, bandanas and all.
They walk into the bar and immediately the atmosphere turns cold and others flee out of the bar through any exit they can. Someone calls for 911, knowing there's going to be trouble. The thug-carrots lay into the poor potato, beating him senseless. They beat him within an inch of his life. An ambulance roars into the parking lot and the thugs flee from the scene, leaving the poor potato hanging barely onto his life. They drive him to the hospital and rush him right into surgery.
Eighteen long grueling hours later, the doctor steps out of the surgery room. He's just spent eighteen hours straight operating on the poor potato, he's tired and exhausted, and immediately after stepping out of the surgery suite he gets ambushed by the potato's parents, asking for the status of their sun. The moms obviously been crying all night, the dad with his arm around her bravely fighting off tears to look strong. The doctor lets out a weary sigh and says "ok, ok Mr. and Mrs. Potato please calm down... I have some good news, and I have some bad news. The good news is, you have a strong spirited healthy son, and we think he's going to pull through this. He is a strong kid and he's holding on better then we could have possibly hoped, responding fantastically to all the treatment. There is some bad news however... we're afraid that he may be a vegetable for the rest of his life!"

Community Center JOW #1058

I love Thanksgiving – normally.  But this is not a normal year.  This year it instead of ‘over the river and through the woods’ it will be over the router and through the Wi-Fi to Grandmother’s house we Skype.  I recognize that even in 2020 we have a lot to be thankful for – as a nation we are so fortunate that even in bad times it is still pretty wonderful to be here.  That said, I’m getting tired of being part of a major historical event.  Has anyone tried unplugging this year and plugging it back in?  I mean, the library now has moved travel books to the Fantasy section, Politics to Sci-Fi, and Epidemiology is now in Self-Help.

 The Community Center in Indian Hills, Colorado has a famous sign which frequently posts puns and dad jokes.  Here are a few examples:

Break-in at the Apple store.  Police are looking for iWitnesses.

I ate a frozen apple.  Hard core.

Whenever I try to eat healthy a candy bar looks at me and Snickers

Wishing you a happy whatever doesn’t offend you

My friend David had his ID stolen.  Now he is just Dav

Irony, the opposite of wrinkly

Spiders and snakes are part of the eek-osystem.

We are in search of fresh vegetable puns.  Lettuce know.

Never trust a train. They have loco motives.

Kitchen remodelers are counter productive.

I was kidnapped my mimes.  They did unspeakable things to me.

My mood ring is missing and I don’t know how I feel about that.

My nose went on strike so I had to picket.

Alligators can grow up to twelve feet, but most only grow four.

Despite the high cost of living it remains popular.

The ideas of ‘I’ before ‘e’ except after ‘c’ has been disproved by science.

Pollen.  When flowers can’t keep it in their pants.

Is a dry cow an udder failure or a milk dud?

I was struck by a bottle of Omega 3 pills.  Fortunately my wounds were only super fish oil.

Disbarred lawyer finds new work as sue chef.

Dear Diet Coke, I feel like you are overreacting.  Sincerely, Mentos.

A few puns may make me numb but math puns make me number.

I am terrified of elevators and I’m taking steps to avoid them.

I call my iPod Titanic because it’s syncing now.

Insect puns really bug me.

Electricians have to strip to make ends meet.

A joke doesn’t become a dad joke until it’s full groan.

I saw a baguette at the zoo.  It was bread in captivity.

It’s Jamaican hairstyle day tomorrow.  I’m dreading it.

I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon to see which comes first.

I’m pining for a good tree pun.  I wish they were more poplar.

Do gun manuals have a troubleshooting section?

The only things flat-earthers have to fear is sphere itself.

I tried calling the tinnitus line.  It just kept ringing.

When I told the carpenter not to carpet my steps he gave me a blank stare.

Whenever I feel blue I start breathing again.

It was a terrible summer for Humpty Dumpty but he had a great fall.

Crushing pop cans is soda pressing.

Puns about communism aren’t funny unless everybody gets them.

Puns about communism have no class.

I just can’t handle automatic doors.

Procrastination is a dish best served eventually.

That awkward moment when a zombie looking for brains walks right by you.

Do memory foam mattresses wish they could forget?

If you marry a pirate with an eye patch is it the One I Love?

Where did the pirate get his hook?  The second hand store.

 WORDS OF WISDOM from Dick: 

·         Having plans sounds like a good idea until you have to put on clothes and leave the house.  

·         I don’t always go the extra mile, but when I do it’s because I missed my exit. 

·         You don’t realize how old you are until you sit on the floor and then try to get back up.

Quotes:

“I’d like to live like a poor man – only with lots of money.  Picasso

“They say marriages are made in heaven.  But so is thunder and lightning.” – Clint Eastwood

“Want to know what God things of money?  Look at the people he gave it to.”  Dorothy Parker

“He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of any man I know.” Abraham Lincoln

“I think the worst time to have a heart attack would be during a game of charades.” – D. Martin

“A person with a sharp tongue will eventually cut themselves.” – Robson Koenig

“Always go to other people’s funerals, otherwise they won’t come to yours.” Yogi Berra

 

Thoughts:

I started out with nothing and I still have most of it.

I am not in jail, a hospital, or a grave – I’d say I am having a good day.

Killing them with kindness is taking way longer than I expected.

Being popular on Facebook is like sitting at the cool table in the cafeteria of a mental hospital.

There is nothing scarier than that moment when you lose your balance in the shower and thing “They are going to find me naked.”

 

Two final jokes:

The proud parents of little Bobby came to see him at his school play.  Halfway through the play, a portion of the floorboards break and little Bobby fell though.

“Don’t worry,” his dad assured his mom, “It’s just a stage he is going through.”

 -----------

One day Nancy’s answered her door bell to find an enormous beetle standing there.  He reaches out and pushes her down before running away.  Shaken Nancy goes to Urgent Care and explained what happened to the doctor.

“Ah, he said, “I’m not surprised; there’s a nasty bug going around.”

 

 

Unemployed JOW #1057

I am so glad the election season is over – and I pity the poor people of Georgia who have another month of political ads left.  Now if only we could get by the Medicare enrollment period so we could lose those ads, too.  Of course, those ads are already being replaced by incessant holiday ads.  Thinking of the election I am recalling some of the past elections and how the departing presidents, even Al Gore who lost a very close, contested election, conceded their defeat with dignity and grace.  Alas, those two words are not in Donald Trump’s lectionary.  But that got me thinking about losing a job, something that happened to me on a number of occasions, which led to my jokes of the week.

Some unemployment quotes.

·         "An acceptable level of unemployment means that the government economist to whom it is acceptable still has a job" - Author Unknown

·         "It's a recession when your neighbor loses his job; it's a depression when you lose yours" - Harry S. Truman

·         "The closest to perfection a person ever comes is when he fills out a job application form" - Stanley J. Randall

·         "Collecting unemployment is the new 30" - Author Unknown

·         "When we're unemployed, we're called lazy; when the whites are unemployed it's called a depression" - Jesse Jackson

·         "Doing nothing is very hard to do...you never know when you're finished" - Leslie Nielsen

·         "Monday is a lame way to spend 1/7 of your life" - Anonymous

·         "Now joblessness isn't just for philosophy majors" - Kent Brockman

·         "We pretend to work because they pretend to pay us" - Author Unknown

·         "A mission statement is a dense slab of words that a large organization produces when it needs to establish that its workers are not just sitting around downloading Internet porn" - Dave Barry

·         "The trouble with unemployment is that the minute you wake up in the morning you're on the job" - Slappy White

·         "I always arrive late at the office, but I make up for it by leaving early" - Charles Lamb

·         “By working faithfully eight hours a day you may eventually get to be a boss and work twelve hours a day" - Robert Frost

·         “Unemployment is capitalism's way of getting you to plant a garden" - Orson Scott Card

·         "The reason why worry kills more people than work is that more people worry than work" - Robert Frost

·         "Every day I get up and look through the Forbes list of the richest people in America. If I'm not there, I go to work" - Robert Orben

·         "Unemployment has given me time to pursue real skills that will help further my non-existent career" - Author Unknown

·         "One of the main perks of being unemployed is that Mondays aren't really so bad" - Author Unknown

 

At the unemployment office: “Losing your job at the Community Center was obviously a blow.  Luckily we have come up with a volunteering opportunity for you… running the local Community Center.”

--------

More from the unemployment office: “Charley, we are going to have to lay you off.  See you here on Monday.”

<<<<< 

Some of the most tactful people on Earth are English. One office supervisor called a secretary in to give her the bad news that she was being fired. He started the conversation with, "Miss Symthe, I really don't know how we're going to get along without you, but starting Monday, we're going to try."

>>>>> 

Two neighbors were talking about work, when one asked, "Say, why did the foreman fire you?" Replied the second, "Well, you know how a foreman is always standing around and watching others do the work. My foreman got jealous. People started thinking I was the foreman."

Police Chief: "You're fired."

Me: *turns in gun and badge*
Police Chief: “You’re a janitor where did you get those”

^^^^^

I couldn't keep working on my previous job after what my boss said to me.

She told me, "You're fired."

^^^^^^

My boss at the furniture stores said "After what you did, I never want to see you again. You're fired!"

But I regret nothing. Sometimes you just have to take a stand.  

Let that one sink in.

`````````````

I was once an actor in an action movie.

Me: "Stay back, or I'll kick you!"
Director: "Cut! You messed up, try it again. Aaaaand ACTION!"
Me: "Stay back, or I'll smack you!"
Director: "Cuuut! Come on, get it correct this time! Aaaand ACTION!"
Me: "Stay back, or I'll pinch you!"
Director: "CUT! That's it, you're fired!"
Me: "Wait, why?"
Director: "Because you keep messing up the punch line!"

~~~~~~~~~

Responding to the Corona virus shutdown, a Seattle business owner called in his four employees for a meeting.  I'm really sorry, but I'm going to have to let one of you go."

Black Employee: "I'm a protected minority."

Female Employee: "And I'm a woman."

Oldest Employee: "Fire me, buster, and I'll hit you with an age discrimination suit so fast it'll make your head spin."

To which they all turn to look at the hapless young, white, male employee, who thinks a moment, then responds: "I think I might be gay..."

 

Enough out of work jokes

My Roomba accidentally went out the front door, and the neighborhood animals immediately started attacking it.

Nature abhors a vacuum.

…..

I asked the surgeon if I could administer my own anesthetic.

He said: “Sure, knock yourself out!”

-------

I absolutely refuse to vaccinate my kids.  I'll have the doctor do it instead; he's trained for it.

Jellyfish have survived 650 million years despite having no discernable brain.  This gives me hope for so many people.

+++++++++

I think Congressmen should wear uniforms. You know, like NASCAR drivers, so we could identify their corporate sponsor

And finally

The Bible tells us to love one another.  The Kama Sutra is a little more specific.

Malapropism JOW #1056

 I for one am glad the elections are over because that means so are the campaign ads.  The US has elected the oldest president in its history.  Based on his condition and advanced age, Biden will be 78 when he is inaugurated - it is likely he will be a one term president, and indeed there is a very good chance he may pass on and wind up providing the United States with its first female president.  I am confident that Ol’ Joe will stay in office longer that William Harrison, who only lasted a month before dying of pneumonia after giving a two hour inauguration speech in the rain.  If Joe does shuffle off this mortal coil while in office it will probably be more like Warren G. Harding who lasted just over two years before he died, according to some, of a broken heart when he realized he was just a weak puppet for shadowy oligarchs.

Joe has been guilty, as have we all, of using the wrong word resulting in a humorous error called a malapropism.  They will make up the bulk of this JOW.  Here are a few examples.

·         He's a wolf in cheap clothing.

·         It was a case of love at Versailles.

·         He's got one of those sight-seeing dogs.

·         In Algiers, they spend most of their time at the cash bar.

·         My sister has extra-century perception.

·         A fool and his money are some party.

·         All's fear in love and war.

·         Nip it in the butt.

·         Some viruses can lie doormat for years.

·         To each his zone.

·         Michelangelo painted the Sixteenth Chapel.

·         No more negotiating - it's a dumb deal.

·         It's a long road to hold.

·         All I want from you kids is a little piece of quiet

·         Some people drink themselves into Bolivia

·         A friend of mine once noted that she preferred “decapitated coffee.”

·         Another friend claimed her boyfriend “took her for granite.”

·         A longtime Navy man was once reported to have died from “sea roaches of the liver.”

 

Some medical malapropisms:

One woman told her doctor that she was going through “mental pause,” before adding that her husband had quit smoking, “cold duck.” (Did she mean that he had quit drinking Cold Duck?)

Another was said to have told a counselor that she couldn’t have a sexually transmitted disease because, despite a recent “falling down,” both she and her husband were unfailingly “monotonous.”

And then there was the gastrointestinal patient who apparently got confused on the word “spectrum” and said of a beautiful sunset, “It had all the colors of the rectum.”

 

Here are a few other documented malapropisms, or in the next case, simple nervous babbling.

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Question: If you could live forever, would you and why?

Answer: "I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever,"

--Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss USA contest.

(On September 17, 1994, Alabama's Heather Whitestone was selected as Miss America 1995.)

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"Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that, but not with all those flies and death and stuff."

--Mariah Carey

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"Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life,"

-- Brooke Shields, during an interview to become spokesperson for federal anti-smoking campaign

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"I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body,"

--Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward.

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"Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country,"

--Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, D.C .

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"That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass, and I'm just the one to do it,"

--A congressional candidate in Texas...

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"Half this game is ninety percent mental."

--Yogi Berra

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"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it."

--Al Gore, Vice President

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"I love California. I practically grew up in Phoenix."

-- Dan Quayle

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"We've got to pause and ask ourselves: How much clean air do we need?"

--Lee Iacocca

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"The word "genius" isn't applicable in football. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein."

--Joe Theisman, NFL football quarterback & sports analyst.

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"We don't necessarily discriminate. We simply exclude certain types of people."

-- Colonel Gerald Wellman, ROTC Instructor.

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"Your food stamps will be stopped effective March 1992 because we received notice that you passed away. May God bless you. You may reapply if there is a change in your circumstances."

--Department of Social Services, Greenville, South Carolina

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"Traditionally, most of Australia's imports come from overseas."

--Keppel Enderbery

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"If somebody has a bad heart, they can plug this jack in at night as they go to bed and it will monitor their heart throughout the night. And the next morning, when they wake up dead, there'll be a record."

-- Mark S. Fowler, FCC Chairman

 

Newspapers (remember them?) have their own problems with headlines.  Here are some examples.

 

Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
Really? Ya think?

------------------------------ ------------------------------ 

Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
  Now that's taking things a bit far!

  ---------------------------- -- -----------------------------
Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
  What a guy!

------------------------------ ------------------------------ --- 

 Miners Refuse to Work after Death
No-good-for-nothing' lazy so-and-so's!

------------------------------ ------------------------ 

 Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
See if that works any better than a fair trial!

---------------------------- -- ----------------------------

War Dims Hope for Peace
I can see where it might have that effect!

------------------------------ ------------------------------ ----

Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
 Who would have thought!